01x15 - The Jackalope

[bunniefuu]

I do solemnly swear that everything

I am about to tell you is true.

A spill of weirdness from

another dimension turned my

hometown into the center of

weirdness for the entire universe.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

After a long Indiana winter, people's

thoughts turned to the coming of spring.

But here in Erie, all

thoughts give way to

the big weekend of

small town fun known as

Jackalope Days.

Okay, okay. Down a little, Mitch.

Up a ditch on your end, Mr. Crawford.

Oh, no, no.

Mitchell, you gotta keep on coming

up, all right? Crawford, just stay there.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

Yes, it does.

Anybody who comes in, this is

the first thing they're gonna see.

How's that?

Stanley?

Dead nuts. All right,

Mitchell. Tie it up and use

a sheepshank nut and

we don't want it slipping.

Stanley, who exactly put you in charge?

Jackalope Days.

Where the little guy is king.

Well, maybe a little guy

can tell us where to put these.

I know where we can put one of them.

Wow. The first Jackalope makes

you feel fuzzy all over, doesn't it?

Well, that could be the dust mites.

I forgot to seal the box.

Tell us the story, Mr. Crawford.

All right.

A rare and wily Jackalope was

born in the mists of Erie's past.

Across between the Jackrabbits

and the Pigmianthalope,

he was the undisputed

king of the Great Midwest.

A majestic creature who

protected the weak in the timid.

To this day, he still

roams Erie's party woods.

Ever vigilant to defend those.

Pure part and wiggly of nose.

But this year, we're going to win

your best fake Jackalope photo contest.

Oh, good luck. Remember, always

a chance you'll need one face to face.

I can hardly wait.

But Corona III was most

renowned hunter of the Unhunted.

The Unhunted?

I go after what no one else believes

in, let alone has the guts to hunt.

Wow.

Wow, doesn't begin to describe it.

African hoop snake bites

his tail and roll up on you.

Ah, smoked one in 93.

The Minotaur, the Griffin, got

them all with old bugs in here.

The Acroid, PSI, 90, free on blast up.

Modified, of course.

They're only a weapon to bag the beast.

Sherlock Holmes called the

most terrified he ever faced.

The giant rat of Sumatra.

Sherlock Holmes's fiction.

So are all those other animals.

They don't exist.

Not anymore!

What, uh, brings you to Erie, Mr. Corona?

Mm-hmm.

I came to pick off one of these.

Hey, you sell hunting licenses.

Cost you $20.

A small price to pay to bag a legend.

Yes!

The Jackalope is a goofy rural myth.

A tall-tail postcard come to life.

But Buck Corona III made my blood run cold.

And I wondered if

the little critter was in

danger of a fate worse

than being bad folk art.

Back home, my family was making

their own preparations for Jackalope Days.

Unaware of the dark force

that had just blown into town.

Uh-huh.

Mitchell Stanley.

Hey, you're just in time to try my

entry into the Jackalope Stuke contest.

Chili!

The little guy's favorite!

Give it here.

No, no, no.

You know, you know Jackalope's love chili.

If it's spicy enough to make

your nose run, the Jackalope.

It comes and it picks up its

scent and it comes to taste it.

I know.

Stanley, you better hold off.

Last year you ended up

sucking ice so you could talk.

Getting there, Mr. T.

Ice is in the freezer.

I'm soon here fretting

my hearts in despair.

The warden's done told

me I'm getting the chair.

I soon will be staying

in that heavenly choir.

With my back side all scorched in my hair.

Still on fire.

So you long, little dogees.

I know how you feel.

But I still want a big

steak to be my last meal.

What was that?

Oh, well, the nuclear

worker's song, Ziller.

He thought it might be fun for us to have

some Jackalope songs for the festivities.

Jackalope songs?

Legend has it.

The Jackalope can imitate the human voice.

Didn't you know that?

Many old cowpokes sing

into their little doggies.

Heard their lonesome melody

echoing down from the high grass.

Try and keep up on your local history, son.

Jackalope days are so much like Christmas.

Great songs.

Wonderful food and animals with antlers.

Yeah.

People who want to k*ll them.

What?

It's just we met this really

weird big game hunter at the

world of stuff who said he

was going to sh**t a Jackalope.

The Jackalopes made up, Mitchell.

But Mr. Crawford sold him

a Jackalope hunting license.

Now, why would he buy one

unless there was a chance, even

a really small chance, the

Jackalopes still live here?

Oh, Mitchell.

It's probably somebody that Mayor

Carver brought in to attract more tourists.

Come on, Stanley, let's

go test that chili again.

Despite the incredibly sensitive

and supportive assurance

from my best friend and

family, I still felt uneasy.

And what happened in the days to

come didn't make me feel any better.

Hey, Mitchell, how's it going?

Hey, Damien, where'd you go?

When you were eight years old, say saw

Jackalope sunbathing at these coordinates?

Mm-hmm.

And those chewed carrot

plastic casts that showed

me came from two clicks

north the exact same spot?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

What's going on?

Mr. Weirdkingdom over there

rendered part of my store for a w*r room.

He's paying five bucks for tips and

the likely whereabouts of the Jackalope.

You're kidding.

For 50 bucks?

I told him there was a

creek in the Piney Woods

where you could still

catch fur-bearing bass.

Uh-uh.

Come make yourself some folding money.

Don't you think it's strange that

he's investing so much into a fantasy?

Oh, listen, people come in here

all the time to buy lottery tickets.

It's pretty much the same thing.

There you go.

Yours.

You got any information, kid?

Just questions.

Why are you doing this?

Okay, let's pretend for a

minute that the Jackalope is real.

Oh, he's as real as he and me.

Okay, but he's totally harmless.

Homeless!

Yeah, the stories talk about how

he protected the weak and timid.

How do you figure he can protect

anything if he's so harmless?

Listen, kid.

I'll tell you the same thing I tell those

tree huggers and I won't wear fur folks.

Don't you be taken in by

that Jackalope's docile nature?

No?

No?

Well, here's a couple of

agencies who've been conspiring

to keep the people in

the dock about the horn.

Minus Jackalope is a barbaric bunny.

The scourge of the Bigfoot.

What an extinction.

I thought the Bigfoot was extinct.

It is.

I got the last one.

Well, that's not the point.

Jackalope is vicious, non-predictable.

I can't wait to call the one.

Silence of beaten to

both his evil little hearts.

You little girl, yokeles!

You think it's all fun?

As long as there's one lonely

Jackalope, y'all in danger of extinction?

He goes

All we do.

Tell me, Stanley.

This guy's a numero uno nut bar.

Still thinks you should have

sold him some sightings.

We could have used the

money to build a better Jackalope.

I hate using Mr. Huggy this way.

We mean the encyclopedias chock full of

real animals who are hunted to extinction.

Maybe but corona's the reason none of the

mythological creatures are around either.

You're just not going

to get into the spirit of

Jackalope days until you

put this to rest, are you?

Nope.

All right, Kimosabi.

What do you have in mind?

All right, let me get this straight.

We're going to set out a b*llet chili,

start a tape-up and snare a Jackalope?

That's the plan.

And what actually makes

you think that that will work?

Well, it might not.

But corona's basing his hunt

on the exact same game plan.

So at least we're

starting from ground level.

Right!

Follow the same game plan as a loonie ball.

Always a good idea.

Well, if you love a better idea

than I What the what happened?

I don't know, we must have

to walk into some kind of a trip.

Ow!

Well Well It looks like I

caught me a couple live ones.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

The nose sounds up, huh?

It's mine!

What?

A rope snail is a hunter's best friend.

Always hang your prey, what

the other predators can't get at it.

I hate to sign out with

dramatic, but there's

nothing in these

woods that hunts kids!

Until now.

Now.

Ah!

What?

That's my Oh, let

me tell you, fellas.

Spies the food and

country music by convincing

cow girl to go out with you,

but it won't work with jackalopes.

Yes, it's who.

Says somebody who's

huddin' things like them,

and doesn't like other

hunters' work in his turf.

We have just as much

right being here as you.

Uh At least I think we do.

Why don't you guys get on home?

You can't compete.

I'll be hanging out

jackalopes for the tail

of my meat locker while you're still

wonderin' if you heard a twig snap.

Yeah, we're still gonna take our chances.

Suit yourself.

But maybe you ought to

see what you're up against.

Wow.

Angel Plasm Detectors?

Phantom Radar?

Spector Sonar?

He's got everything from every

Sci-Fi movie we've ever seen.

The ultimate and mythical monitors.

If we had this, all the weirdness

and airy wouldn't stand a chance.

That is, if it works.

Oh, it works alright.

You wanna see what I found for lunch?

Go on, you wanna try and fill it?

You have lived till you've tasted pan-fried

fur-bearing bass, fresh from piney woods,

melts in your mouth.

Mmm, mmm.

I'll pass.

I don't feel like eating

some bad taxiderm joke.

Mmm.

Stanley, this is serious.

He's not some magna c*m

agnoramis or some yahoo.

He knows there's a jackalope

here and he's gonna k*ll it.

Yeah, but what are we supposed to do?

I mean, you saw all that stuff?

We'll have to split up.

Oh, yeah, great.

Then we'll have even less to work with.

No, we'll be in twice as many places.

Besides, we have something he doesn't.

Oh, yeah, what?

We know the stories.

And if they're true, so's the jackalope.

You take mom's tape

recorder, I'll take dad's chili.

Stay in constant radio communication.

If we do find the jackalope, we're

gonna have to get out of here but quick.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Splitting up the double-a-ons.

Admitors.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Trapper one to Trapper two.

Come in.

Trapper two.

Ugh.

Trapper one, I'll set.

Roger.

Trapper two over and out.

What a couple of my runes.

Mmm.

Anything new Trapper two?

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm

not a fan of country music.

And I may never smell

anything again except Tabasco.

Can you hear that?

Sounds like an echo.

No.

I just think your mom

was singing with Carrie.

No, Carrie wasn't singing.

She was all done up it.

Mitchell!

It's a jackalope.

It's gotta be.

Can you see it's not yet?

Hold on, Sam.

I'm coming to help.

Sam, I got something!

I got one!

We both got one!

You won't get away from me!

Come back here!

No matter where you're

on, I'll get there first!

Carrie!

So quick!

This is a major coup, Mitchell.

Not only are we gonna

win that photo contest,

we've discovered a whole brand new species!

We can get ourselves a

zoo, open up a foundation,

and get ourselves our own TV show.

Stanley, let's think about this.

Jackalopes have stayed hidden for

centuries without harming anything.

You mean they're not like goat suckers

or werewolves always wreaking havoc?

Exactly.

I mean, we can be messing

with the balance of nature here.

And how are we supposed

to bring them out into

the open with Corona

trying to sh**t them?

Little b*llet prevents?

Dad, what happened?

It was unbelievable.

We were sitting here,

quietly playing a three-way

game of Scrabble, and

then this madman burst in.

Just when I was about to make

my first triple word score ever.

What kind of a madman?

He looked like one of those men

from one of those nature shows.

What did he want?

Jackalopes.

He swore that you had one of those men.

Oh, Mitchell.

What are we going to do?

You do have one?

Well Look, Mitchell.

We have been awfully understanding

about this weirdness kick of yours,

but I mean, if this is

going to affect your home

life, I am going to have

to put my foot down.

Did he say where he was going yet?

He said something about

checking out the world of stuff.

Stand high the crates.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to see if I can

reason with this madman.

Oh, don't forget your jacket!

You should cover what happened.

Oh, that Jackalope had a guy kick.

Wow!

Oh, that Jackalope had a guy kick.

Oh, that Jackalope had a guy kick.

Oh, that Jackalope had a guy kick.

I can't bust it in here.

For a minute, honey, I

want to cut it back, you know.

Fortunately, all he wanted was you.

Did he say anything?

Oh, I'll say.

Most of which I can't repeat.

And for the kids, they're a polite company.

But he did say that he wanted you to

bring his Jackalope back to his camp.

Or he'd use his hostage for a bait.

He took a hostage?

Yeah, the garbage guy.

Garbage guy?

Yeah.

You know, the guy's

always going to my garbage.

I could have swore.

I already bagged the last of you.

Of course, the moon will be up soon.

So it's looking like I got you

for a Jackalope dinner time.

Hahahaha!

Mitchell?

Stanley?

Where are you?

In the attic.

Are you okay?

I'll fill you in later.

Right now, I need you

to get back to the woods.

Here's the plan.

Corona!

Where's my Jackalope?

I don't have him.

You let Bigfoot go.

Not on your life!

Why not?

He doesn't harm anybody.

He just dicks through our trash and

he doesn't even read our old junk mail.

You don't get it, do ya?

The Jack-a-low doesn't eat him,

I'm gonna have to finish him off.

You can't leave creatures

like this running around.

Why not?

Well, imagine a world where

minotaurs travel people's lawns.

Mothers can't leave the

babies playing out in the yard

because I afraid some griffing is

gonna come down out of the sky.

Swoop away with him.

That only happens in mythology.

Without guys like me, it'll

be happening every day.

I'll make the world safer, ordinary life.

It'll be a lot safer.

Once that rare and wild

Jack-a-loops is gone as well.

Alright, alright, you win.

If you let Big Foot go, I'll let

you have one of our Jack-a-loops.

Show him to me first.

Stan!

Alright, place him in the

middle of the clearing there.

And make sure the lid stays shut.

Alright, now back off.

All on tired of Big Foot.

Walk him over to ya.

Nobody moves.

And you're gonna hear from Bugsy.

Come on.

I can't leave Mr. Hockey!

Mr. Hockey!

Mr. Hockey!

He's toasted!

You think I was born yesterday

trying to pull that old trick on me?

Give him my Big Foot!

But what are you waiting for?

Uh, Mitchell?

I don't think that would

be such a good idea.

Why not?

Because there's someone

here who looks out for the

Pure of heart and a wiggly of nose.

What are you talking about?

Maybe you should look behind you?

You really do think I was

born yesterday, don't ya?

Okay, don't look behind you.

Ha ha ha ha.

This is what they say.

That's not the mess with Mother Nature.

The Jackalope didn't eat Buck Corona.

Mr. Crawford saw him high

telling it out of town next morning.

And Jackalope days

went off without a hitch.

Except we didn't win our photo contest.

Nobody thought our

pictures looked fake enough.

Hey, hey Stan.

Do you think that Big Mama Jackalope

was nature's way of saying that

there's some really weird things out

there that should just be left alone?

You mean like they're there for a purpose?

Yeah.

And until we can understand

what that purpose is,

we shouldn't go around

trying to get rid of them.

Hmm.

Well, now we gotta focus on

getting rid of something else.

Tell me about it.

I mean, they're breeding like rabbits.

You.