01x01 - Forever Ware

[bunniefuu]

[FOOTSTEPS]

MARSHALL:
To whom it may concern.

If you're reading
this document,

it means I'm either dead,

or have disappeared under
mysterious circumstances.

My name is Marshall Teller.

Not long ago, I was
living in New Jersey

just across the river
from New York city.

It was crowded, polluted,
and full of crime.

I loved it.

But my parents wanted a better
life for my sister and me.

So we moved to
a place so wholesome,

so squeaky clean, you could
only find it on TV.

Unfortunately, nothing could be
further from the truth.

Sure, my new hometown
looks normal enough.

But look again.

What's wrong with this picture?

The American dream
come true, right?

Wrong.

Nobody believes me.

But this is the center of
weirdness for entire planet.

Thank you, lil paper boy.

Eerie, Indiana.
My home, sweet home.

[CAWING]

Still don't believe me?

You will.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL:
Ever since moving here,

I've been convinced that
something was very wrong
with Eerie, Indiana.

I tried telling myself
there was a logical
explanation for everything.

But logic
doesn't apply here.

That's my family.

They're all too busy
to see what's going on.

Mom just started her own
party planning service

down at the Eerie mall.

My sister Syndi is practicing
for her driver's test.

Personally, I don't think
anybody who spells

Cindy SYNDI should be
allowed to operate
a motor vehicle.

Dad works for
Things, Incorporated,
a product testing company.

Dad's job is one of the
reasons we moved here.

Because,
statistically speaking,

Eerie is the most normal
place in the entire country.

Statistics lie.

Hey, Mom,
what's to eat?

There's plenty
of leftovers.

Leftover from what?

Think we ought to
send this to the lab for
carbon testing.

[LAUGHS DERISIVELY]

Okay, so it's not
an ad for
Good Housekeeping.

But your father and I
work all week.

So until I get to the grocery
store this afternoon, it's
every teenager for himself.

Don't eat those.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Where's Donna Reed
when you need her?

Welcome, neighbors.
Hi.

I'm Betty Wilson,
from up the street.

Just thought I'd stop by
and welcome you folks

to our little corner
of the universe.

Won't you...

come in?

I'm Syndi, and this
is my brother, Marshall.

These are my boys,
Bertram and Ernest.

Hey, how's it going?

They're such
good boys...

Is the lady of
the house at home?

Mrs. Teller,

if you're like me,
a homemaker on the go,

you know how overwhelming
the task of everyday
housework can become.

Well, I wouldn't
say overwhelming...

BETTY: Well, those days
are over.

Thanks to the spaceage
wonder, ForeverWare.

Every homemaker's answer
t every homemaking problem.

From our own secret formula
stimulated plastic,

ForeverWare manufactures
a full line of vacuum seal
containers to meet

any contingency
in the home of today.

[RATTLING ON PLASTIC]

I'm sorry.

Tell you what.

Why don't you come to
a little ForeverWare Party
I'm throwing at my house

tomorrow afternoon? Come as you
are. It's just a few gals from
the neighborhood

getting together
to trade gossip

and tips about how to organize
your life with this wonderful
line of products.

EDGAR: Honey, is this leftover
stuffing or something else?
I can't tell.

Sorry.

So it's all set then?


Ah, umm...

Well, I was looking to meet
some other ladies on the block.

Oh, heck. Why not?
Wonderful.

I'll just leave you with
this complimentary catalog,

written by my
late husband, Walt,

the inventor
of ForeverWare.

It's full of recipes,

household hints,
words of wisdom,

and information
on financing plans.

Financing?

Oh, and one last thing.

I always like to leave

a special sample behind

as a little thank you.
[CHUCKLES]

Here's one of our
supersandwichsavers.

It's yours to keep.
No obligation, of course.

And if you're hungry,
the Baloney sandwich inside

is as fresh as the day
it was made...

in 1974.

Of course, you've always
got to be sure the lids
are sealed tight.

Otherwise, the aging
process is...

accelerated.

Oh, of course.

Otherwise, ForeverWare
is guaranteed

when used
as directed,

to keep anything
fresh... forever.

Well, great then.
We'll see you tomorrow.

Four-thirty, sharp.
You're going to love my friends.

Oh, should I bring anything?
Oh, no.

MARSHALL:
I thought that was
the last I'd see of the twins.

But then, suddenly,

unexpectedly, one of them
slipped me a note.

There was a weird look
in his eye. Something
desperate.

"Yearbook 1964"

What did it mean?

Was this some kind
of cry for help?

That's Simon.
My next door neighbor.

He's just a kid.

But I let him hang out,
because his parents don't
seem to want him around.

He's the only friend
I've made since
moving here.

He's also the only one
who believes me
about Eerie.

The librarian thought I was
weird, checking out all
those yearbooks.

Better weird than dead.

What are you
looking for anyway?

Here, check out
this note.

"Yearbook 1964"?

There's gotta be something
in these yearbooks.
Some kind of clue.

I'm looking for something
wrong, or out of place.

Someone like these guys!

SIMON: Hey, it's Bert and Ernie!

These guys must be really dumb.
They've been in
the seventh grade forever.

I don't recognize any of
the other kids, though.

How could you?
This yearbook is from 1964.

But that's impossible.

Unless...

Unless the twins are...
BOTH: thirty something!

We gotta get a close look
at this ForeverWare stuff.

[RELEASING VACUUM]

[SNIFFS]

Smells like
a Baloney sandwich.

Looks like
a baloney sandwich.

BOTH: Nah...

MARILYN:
I'm sure Forever is just
a figure of speech.

EDGAR:
Not according to
the financing plan.

Ah, this from a man who's still
paying off his student loan.

Simon, your mom's
yelling for you.

Hey, you boys aren't playing
with my ForeverWare sample,
are you?

Oh, no, Mom.
It's not a toy. It's a tool.

EDGAR: What does that mean?
MARILYN: I don't know...

MARSHALL:
The way Mom was talking
about ForeverWare,

I knew it was time
to spring into action.

That night,
Simon and I agreed

to sneak out and spy on
the ForeverWare Lady
and her twins.

I had to find out
what was going on before
Mom went to that party.

Ready, Simon?
I was born for this.

MARSHALL: Unfortunately, this'd
require some stupid risks
on our part.

[BETTY HUMMING]

MARSHALL:
I knew something
was wrong with her.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

[WHISPERING]
It ain't natural.

[WHISPERING]
Check out the twins.

BETTY: Boys. Mr. Sandman says
it's beddy-bye time.
I'm coming up now.

MARSHALL:
I'd seen some strange
things since coming to Eerie.

But nothing prepared me
for what I saw next.

Goodnight, dumpling.

Sleep tight!

[RELEASING VACUUM]

[GASPS AND SCREAMS]

No wonder they don't age!

Their mom vacuum seals
them every night in giant-sized
ForeverWare!

Marshall, look!

[THUNDERCLAPS]

Run away!
Run away...

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

MARSHALL:
I was scared to death.

But if I didn't
do something quick,

my whole family was
going to end up
human leftovers.

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

MARSHALL:
Normally, I wouldn't be
afraid of pancakes.

But back in Jersey,
breakfast was always a serve
yourself bowl of cereal.

Mom had me worried.

So, how are
the pancakes?

Great.
Yeah?

I got the recipe
out of my
ForeverWare catalog.

MARSHALL:
It was almost time
for the ForeverWare party.

Mom was on
a housekeeping binge.

If she went to
that party in
her state of mind,

who knows what
could happen.

I decided I had
to tell somebody,

no matter how crazy
it sounded.

I'll tell Dad.

Dad was
a reasonable guy.

He believed that Mom
was being lured into

a mind sucking cult
of housewife zombies

who preserve themselves
in giant rubbered kitchenware.

He'd believe me.

He'd know
what to do.

Dad...

Yes.

Never mind.

MARSHALL:
There was nothing
I could do to stop her.

So Simon and I decided
to crash the Foreverjunk party.

Somebody had
to save Mom.

[KNOCKING]

ALL: Hi...
[ALL GIGGLING]

Everybody, meet
Marilyn Teller,

soon to be the newest member
of our ForeverWare family.

[WOMEN CHEERING]

Not if I got
anything to say about it.

[EXCITED INDISTINCT BANTER]

Well, why doesn't everyone
introduce themselves?

Oh...

Beatrice Pillsbury,

and I have been
a ForeverWare user since 1962.

[GIGGLES]

I'm Eumagene Crocker,
and I've been fresh
ForeverWare since 1966...

[APPLAUDES AND GIGGLES]

Winifred Swanson, and...

I just don't know what I would
have done without ForeverWare
since...



My name is Phyllis Stouffer.

I sealed these Brussels sprouts
when Jimmy Carter was President.

And they're still fresh.

[RELEASING VACUUM]
ALL: Oh...

Okay everyone, it's time for
the "ForeverWare" song.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Ladies...

[GIGGLES]
MARILYN: Sorry.

[BLOWS TUNER]

One, two, three...

* ForeverWare

* For wives and mothers
Everywhere

* Our goal has always been
To seal the freshness in

* Forever,
Foreverware

* For any dish that you
Prepare

* For each and every meal,
We have the perfect seal

* Some muffins that
You make today
Will still be fresh

* In early may
Your coffee cake
Your cinnamon ring

* Will last at least
Until next spring

* It works on
Almost everything!

* ForeverWare

ForeverWare.

BETTY: Oh, 30 years I've been
singing that song

and it still
gives me goosebumps!

[WHISPERING]
Marshall, Marshall,
Marshall...

[RELEASING VACUUM]

[DOOR SHUTS]

Hello.
Marshall.

Mom...

Oh, everybody. If you'll just
take a moment and look at
what Marilyn is

demonstrating. It's our
model L99,

the pickle lifter.
Oh, wow.

Show us how it works, won't you?
Oh, um, well, let's see...

You just take this off, and...

[SCREAMS AND APPLAUDS]

Hi, guys. Um... You're probably
wondering what I'm doing here.

I checked out
the '64 Yearbook.

That's you guys,
isn't it?

BOTH: We need your help.
You do?

[WINIFRED SOBBING]
So I, I told Bob.
I said...

if, if, if a silly new car
means more to you

than vacuum fresh food,

well, then you're just
not the man I married.
[SCREAMS AND SOBS]

Come on, everybody. I think
Winnie needs a little cheer up.

I know, how about a little
"ForeverWare Wave"?

[SOBBING CONTINUES]

[CHEERING] Yay...

Excuse me, my casserole.

Our mother has been sealing us
up every night since
our Dad died in 1964.

She wants to preserve us
so we never grow up
and leave her.

Boys...
BOTH: Mother!

[DOOR RELEASES VACUUM]

Boys, why are you
up here?

You know how much I need
my boys at my side...

Ernie has gas.
[ERNIE BURPS]

Yes, well...
I suppose you did
the right thing then.

Try to get better to help me
downstairs with
the refreshments, all right?

BOTH: Yes, Mom.

Oh, such good boys...

Now I'm going downstairs.
I want you to follow me
licketysplit, understand?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, man! I thought she was
never gonna leave.

Now you see why
you've got to help us.

What if something
goes wrong?

BOTH: What if you're next?

You don't know what it's like
being in seventh grade
for 30 years.

BOTH: It's a living hell.

Come on.

[WOMEN TALKING]

[ALL LAUGH]

BETTY:
Oh, and there's just
one more little thing.

Here's your
ForeverWare contract.

Remember, ForeverWare
will last you a lifetime.

Maybe even longer.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

Yes. I can see that now.

Let me have...

Dealer Special.

[WOMEN GASP AND SCREAM]

The family sized started pack!
Excellent. Excellent choice.

Welcome to the
ForeverWare family!

Will that be
cash or cheque?

Such a wise choice...

[BETTY HUMMING]

Tell me what
you need me to do.

MARSHALL:
As I watched Mom sign
on the dotted line,

I knew I had no choice, but to
go along with the twins' plan.

So later that night,

Good night, little darling.

SIMON: But I want to
go in with you.

Sorry, Simon.

No offense, but you're
just a kid, and this
could be dangerous.

Besides, I need you for
an important job.

All right, here's the key
to the evidence locker.

You know what to do
if I don't come back.

I go straight
to the President.

And if I can't get through
to him, I tell your Mom and Dad.

Check.

[CASSETTE PLAYING]
ForeverWare tip number 714.

Vacuum seal yourself for
eight uninterrupted
hours a day

and stay young forever.
[BETTY YAWNS]

Remember, eight hours a day
keeps the wrinkles away.

Remember, eight hours a day
keeps the wrinkles away.

Remember, eight hours a day
keeps the wrinkles away.

MARSHALL: Somebody
had to help the twins graduate
from seventh grade.

And that somebody was me.

[RELEASING VACUUM]

Hurry, Marshall.
Get Ernie.

[RELEASING VACUUM]

Remember, eight hours a day
keeps the wrinkles away.

Remember, eight hours...

Thanks, Marshall.

Now what?

BOTH: We'll take care
of mother.

MARSHALL:
My mission accomplished.

I didn't hang around
to see what happened next.

[RELEASING VACUUM]
Boys, what have you done?

BETTY: My vacuum seal...
[screams]

MARILYN: Morning, Mars.
How you doing?

I don't
know yet.

How are you?
Well, I made your
favorite breakfast, cornflakes.

Thanks, Mom.
Milk's bad.

Well, look at this.
Oh...

Well, so much for the "Forever"
in ForeverWare.

SYNDI: Oh, gross. Yeech.

Oh, well, I'm glad
we found out now.

You know, I don't know
what got into me.

I guess that Betty is just
some kind of a super saleswoman.

Yeah, I'm going over to Betty's
right after breakfast
and cancel that order.

Way to go, Mom!

Stay the way you are.
The messy Mom that I love.

Oh, thanks.
I think.

You're okay too, Dad.

Thanks, Marshall.

Now that everyone's okay,

can somebody tell me
what is going on with the mail.

Oh, something's pecked out
Ed McMahon's eyes.

Cool.
[CROWS CAWING]

MARSHALL: I couldn't help
wonder what happened
to the twins

without their ForeverWare.

Did Bert and Ernie turn into
rotten globs of goo?

[HAMMERING NAILS]

BOTH: Can we help you?
MARILYN: Hi.

Uh, sorry to bother you, but...

we were looking
for a Mrs. Wilson?

Oh, I'm sorry. But there was
an emergency in the family.

And, and she had to leave
suddenly. Can we help you?

Huh. Ah, maybe.

Ah, you see, I placed
this order for some
kitchenware with her, and...

well, I've had
a change of heart.

I really wanted
to cancel that order but...

Hm, if she's not here...

Well, she left some paperwork.
Is this what you're looking for?

[LAUGHS] Yes, this is just
what I was looking for.

Huh! Um...

Excuse me, but, are you related
to the twin boys who live here?

Yes.
Twins run in the family.

[LAUGHS] Nice!

BETTY: Boys, who is it?

Who's there?

Nothing, Mother.

Just go back inside, Mom.
We'll be up in a minute.

Such good boys...

Um, say, will you
be seeing Mrs. Wilson?

I think so.

Please tell her I'm sorry
about canceling my order.

We will.
Thank you.

BOTH: No, thank you

[CONFUSED] Uh-huh.

Come on, Marshall.
We're leaving.

[CROWS CAWING]

Thirty years in
the seventh grade.

Now that's scary.

Hope Bert and Ernie
got what they wanted.

I'm never eating leftovers
again as long as I live.

MARSHALL: Simon and I
added one petrified
Baloney sandwich

to our Eerie Museum of Horror.

That's where I've hidden
all the evidence

you'll need to find out
what I already know.

A kid's gotta grow up
fast in Eerie,

or he might not
grow up at all.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]