01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

NARRATOR:
In the expanding shadows

of Death Adder's evil,

Gilius Thunderhead
and Hampton Squib make their way

toward the dark fortress

of Death Adder's
faithful minion,

Damned Hellstrike.

Damned Hellstrike?
That's a bizarre name.

I wonder if he's a bad guy.

♪ ♪

He's probably a bad guy.

Gilius, I've been working
on a new battle cry

for when I face
Damned Hellstrike.

Check it out. Yeah!

Ha! You're crazy if you think

you're ready to face
Damned Hellstrike.

You need more training.

Well, then train me.

I am, and the first lesson
starts now.

Finally!
What'd you have in mind?

Carrying buckets of water
up a hill, down a hill.

Just tell me where
you want the buckets, Gilius.

I'm dying over here.

There's no buckets.

You're gonna fight those guys.

[growling]

[Hampton gasps]
The one-eyed marauders?

- Why would I fight them?
- They're mad at you

for stealing their eye patches.

Catch.

But I didn't take these.
We have to tell them.

- In you go.
- Gilius!

Hey! Look, way over there.

That skinny guy's
got our eye patches.

MARAUDER: How can you tell
with only one eye?

Wait. Do you have two eyes?

Wha-What? No. [gasps]

We're one-eyed marauders.

You can't maraud with us
if you got both.

All right, all right.
I lied about that.

But everything else
I said was true.

Even when you said
I'm a good singer?

Attack!

[shouting]

[shrieks]

Aah! Whoa!

Did you see that, Gilius?

I parried an arrow.
I'm an arrow-parrier.

Ah, great start. Now fight back.

Right, of course. I will.

What do you suggest I do?

What do you mean?
You have a legendary weapon.

Use the blade.

Right. Stand back, bandits,
for I wield...

the Emerald Blade!

Oh. Okay, um, how about... Yah!

I said yah!

Yah? Y-- Ouch!

Man down! Full-grown man down!

Absolutely pathetic display,
Hampton.

Thank the gods
I didn't put you up

- against the two-eyed marauders.
- [groaning]

[shouting]

Yah!

No, wait, we wanted to fight
the skinny guy!

[Gilius and marauders grunting]

Gilius, if I die,
tell my parents

I died.

They'll know what you mean.

MARAUDER: My eye!

NARRATOR: While Gilius
struggles to train his protégé,

his former companions Ax
and Tyris have already arrived

on Damned Hellstrike's doorstep.

- A toast!
- NARRATOR: Wait,

are they drinking
the night before a battle?

So irresponsible.

Tomorrow we scale
the Ancient Mound

and vanquish
the fiend Damned Hellstrike.

My mother always said,

"A hearty meal warms the heart

before a hearty,
heartfelt battle."

She wasn't the best with words.

She sounds like a great warrior.

She was not.

She was a gentle,
defenseless soul,

who was slain quite easily
by Death Adder's minions.

Thank you, Tyris,

for that wonderful reminder
of the painful circumstances

surrounding
my mother's tragic death.

Anytime.

I know how hard it is
to lose one parent

because it happened
to me... twice.

She thinks because
both of her parents were k*lled

by Death Adder, that she's
a better fighter than me.

I do. It's twice as sad
and therefore

- makes me twice the warrior.
- I don't know.

I'm pretty tough

and everyone I care about
is doing fine.

Surely, you have faced
some horrific tragedy

that has spurred you
to become a hero.

Village destroyed?
Friend m*rder*d?

Ran over by an evil horse?
It happened to a bard I know.

He swore vengeance
against all horses.

I'm not saying I agree.

Nah, I'm trauma-free.

I fight
because I like adventure.

Pain and vengeance are what
makes warriors great.

What fuels you
to destroy your enemies

if not for the visceral memory
of your parents being gutted

in front of you at 12 years old?

Hearing your father's gurgling
screams as he slips away.

"Hold me, Tyris.

"I'm so cold.

"I see the black mountain.

Avenge me."

Well, I for one
think it's refreshing.

A new generation of heroes
who don't need to witness

the horrors of the world
to do what we do best:

endlessly k*ll
reanimated skeletons.

I'll drink to that.

♪ ♪

"Avenge me."

- [snoring]
- [Gilius] Wake up, kid.

Ow. What the...

Oh, Gilius. I know
we're brand-new friends, but

I don't really love
being woken up that way.

Oh. And what is your preference?

Well, it starts
with a back tickle,

but that's only the beginning--

[grunts] Okay, I don't like that
when I'm awake either.

- Where are we, by the way?
- This

- is Tender Hamlet.
- Whoa!

- I've brought you here because--
- No, no, don't tell me.

Two adventurers
arrive at a small town

in the middle of a larger quest.

Evil must be afoot.

I bet I can figure it out.

- Hampton, there's no evil afoot.
- [bell ringing]

[gasps] A town crier.
The first clue.

Hear ye, hear ye.
I love my bell.

Huh. Didn't seem
worth town-crying about.

The evil must be elsewhere.

Hampton, I promise you,
this is a nice place.

Nothing is ever
as it seems, Gilius.

- Danger could be anywhere--
- [low growling]

HAMPTON:
I'm deeply sorry.

Not necessary.

Human connection
is always appreciated.

Terrific boots, by the way.

Now, do me a favor
and have a great day.

What a nice bird.

Doesn't seem evil,

but anything's possible,
I guess.

Hampton, listen to me.

MAN:
Help me! Oh, please, gods,

- help me!
- There it is-- a cry for help.

Oh, thank gods.

I'm the mayor and two strangers
have arrived in town

and I haven't personally
welcomed them!

Two strangers?
That could possibly be bad.

- We're the strangers.
- Indeed you are.

Welcome to Tender Hamlet.

The tenderest place
in all of Yuria.

Okay. And are there
any foul doings about town?

Well, I don't think so.
Look around.

We've got a tavern
where the mead is free.

A barbershop
where haircuts cost one hug.

And, you know we have
a thriving theater scene.

That's my one-man show.

I sing some songs,
tell a few jokes,

but it's mostly character work.

Ooh!
I'll set aside some tickets

- for you.
- You see?

Nothing going on.

Hmm. He almost had me fooled.

But when someone invites you
to a one-man show,

you can be certain
his intentions are evil.

Hampton!
Tender Hamlet is a nice place.

Disgustingly so.

That is why
I'm leaving you here.

What?

You couldn't even handle
the one-eyed marauders.

You're not ready
for what we're up against.

Now, I know you're gonna
want to argue with me

and I am not interested
in doing that sober, so

- let's go off to the tavern.
- [gasps]

Mm.

Hey, there. You look
like you're feeling down.

Might I suggest you stop
by the town compliment hut?

Whoa! You look like
you've been working out.

What? We've never met.

You look good, bud.
Shoulders are looking wide.

You're leaving me? [sobbing]

But... [sniffles] but-but
it just doesn't make sense.

Dry those tears.

Two meads, on the house.
Just like always.

Ugh, mead is disgusting.

I'll stick to my fetid wine

stored in a goat's belly,
thank you.

Why are you doing this?

This is for your own good.

You can't fight,
can't use the Emerald Blade.

Honestly, is there anything
you are good at?

I'm a pretty good grandson.
Both my grandmas say so.

It's my fault for believing
in some silly fairy tale.

Which is why,
instead of k*lling you

and ditching your body
in the road,

I'm leaving you here.

But I'm destined
to be a great hero.

All I need is a supportive,

patient father figure to help
nurture my hidden talents.

Well, I don't have
that kind of time.

I'm going to prove you wrong,

Gilius Thunderhead.

Mark my words.

You will woo this day.

Really, I'm gonna "woo" it?

I'm gonna woo this day?

You know I meant "rue."

[mocking] Woo. Woo.

♪ ♪

AX: The moment of Damned
Hellstrike's defeat has arrived.

- Oh, this is gonna be fun!
- It's not supposed to be fun.

It's supposed to be a cathartic
release of internal rage!

[shouting]

[snarling]

[grunting]

Look at him. There's just
no way you can fight

that ferociously without
some sort of internal turmoil.

- Tyris, focus.
- I am focused.

Are you sure you haven't
lost a cousin or something?

Maybe moved around a lot
as a child?

Thank you, Chronos.
Excellent in battle, as always.

It's just what us kitty-cats do.

Tyris.

I have something
to tell you both.

That scenario
I brought up last night--

the one about
a 12-year-old girl named Tyris

seeing
her father's guts spilled?

Well, that was me. I was Tyris.

And that was Tyris' father.

And Tyris' father was my dad.

And dad means father.

I can't believe I was friends

with someone who was
in a scenario.

But now that I've seen
Chronos fight,

it seems the death of my parents

was just a meaningless act
that brought me no advantages.

Heavy stuff. [sniffs]

Do you guys smell that?

[gasps]

[sniffs]

[gasps]

[whimpers]

Aah.

[growls]

[shouting]

[roars]

Wow, he...
he really hates cages.

I never got to bury my parents.

"Woo the day?"

Ugh! Great start
on proving yourself, Hampton.

Oh...

Hey, you're sitting on my bench.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Don't apologize, move.

You're not very nice.

In fact, you're the first
not-nice person I've met

- in this entire hamlet.
- Thanks.

Name's Dry Arthur.

Been sober ten years,
feels like 20.

That's why you're
in such a bad mood, mm-hmm.

No, sober people can be fun.

I mean, I'm not,
but it is possible.

I'm rude because I can be.

Everyone else in Tender Hamlet
has been enchanted to be nice.

Dare I say...

tender.

No, no. No. Nice.
Nice is the right word.

So, you're telling me

this whole town
is under an enchantment?

DRY ARTHUR:
Yup.

Hey, you broke my hut!

Good job.

It's in the mead.

Yes! Something is afoot
in this town.

This is the perfect opportunity
to prove myself to Gilius.

Gods, it is so hard
to make friends as an adult.

What do you want?

- How hot is the hot pretzel?
- Scalding.

I'll make it work.

HAMPTON:
Gilius, you were wrong.

There is something
going on in this town.

Nope. No use trying
to change my mind, kid.

You're staying here.

Okay, option B.

Let's share a mead
before you go.

If this disgusting honey wine

will keep you in this hamlet,
then bottoms up.

Ugh. Yeah,
that's still disgusting.

I feel, ugh, I-I feel...
I feel...

♪ ♪

I feel well and truly
grateful for it.

- It worked!
- What worked?

Nothing. Have more mead.

Wow! You'd make a great waiter.

But to be fair, you'd be
great at a lot of things.

Chef, model.

Oh, this one's crazy--
blacksmith?

Oh, I don't know,
everything's so heavy

and I have these
little chicken wrists.

Don't you dare let that stand
in the way of your dream.

You know, my real dream
is to become an adventurer.

What's stopping you?

Technically, you.

But if you're on board,
then maybe I should

come with you to fight
Damned Hellstrike after all?

Well, I see no reason why not.

[gasps] Oh, I can't wait
to eat my pretzel.

Starting to feel
a little guilty.

Hey, you listen to me.

Never let anyone make you feel
guilty about anything.

Okay.

Fare thee well, Tender Hamlet.

I will tell tales
of your hospitality.

But now we must venture forth

to defeat Damned Hellstrike.

But first there's something
important we need to do.

Gather supplies?

Splash in the fountain!

[laughing]

Okay. Okay, I'm done,
I'm done, I'm done.

So, we can go
after Damned Hellstrike?

Who cares
about Damned Hellstrike?

That guy's painting caricatures.

[chuckles]

[exclaims]

I like axes
and he likes daggers.

Sor-Sorry, I didn't mean
to speak for you,

I'm just really excited.
[laughs]

The hell?

Oh, hey guys. You made it.

Chronos. Hey, bud.

You, uh, want to tell us
what happened?

I won the fight.

All right, uh,
care to go into details?

Sure.

I went left and right,
jumped a couple times,

few kicks,
you know how battles go.

Figured I'd wait for you
to take on

- Damned Hellstrike.
- [grunts]

Throne room
is just down the hall.

[weak chuckle]
Uh, why do you know that?

Beats me. I have no memory
of this place.

- [cackling nearby]
- [growls, roars]

I'm worried about Chronos.

Do you think he got
enough sleep last night?

MAYOR:
All right,

raise your hand
if you've ever mixed up

the town crier
with the town friar.

[audience laughs]

Whoa, that's more
than I expected.

Does it get any better
than a one-man show?!

Hey, uh, after this,
I was thinking

that we should finally go after
Damned Hellstrike.

Or, better i--
or, better idea--

what if we invited him here?
I think he'd love this place!

Now I'm gonna need
a volunteer from the audience

who loves to smile.

Me! Pick me!
You're talking about me!

First rule of showbiz,

always pick the person
who wants it most.

Get up here, Gilius!

This show blows, huh?

Oh, hey, Dry Arthur.
Good to see you.

Uh, that's a lie.

So I tell you
the whole town's enchanted

and you enchant your friend?

Yeah, but I think
it's kind of backfiring.

[laughing]

Any idea
how to sober up a dwarf?

One day at a time.
[chuckles]

Ah, I swear I was so funny
when I was a drinker.

I-I don't...
I don't think you were.

♪ ♪

Hello?

[grunts]

[clears throat]

Bar maiden. I know
what you're doing to this town,

and I need to know
how to reverse it.

You know that I'm enchanting
people to be nice?

That's right. I know everything.

So that I can k*ll them

and use their body parts
in my evil stew?

That part is new to me.

When Death Adder's evil hordes

march through
this part of Yuria,

they'll be
in need of nourishment.

And they will gain
powerful strength

from my enchanted feast.

And if I have
a little left over,

I'm gonna make
a potpie just for me.

- [cackling]
- Why can't you just

make the stew out of veggies?
[shrieks]

MAN:
Oh, wow, a witch!

[bar maiden cackling]

Time to add our main ingredient.

[exclaims]

Ooh, scary. [giggles]

Citizens of Tender Hamlet,

prepare to die.

[cackles]

Big cauldron. [laughs]

[growls]

[gasps]

[chortles]

Well, I'll be Damned.

The prodigal son has returned.

Tyris, do they know each other?

DAMNED HELLSTRIKE:
Oh, did Chronos not tell you?

Chronos was not born,

but created by my dark magic.

I gave him
a very traumatic upbringing,

filled with unimaginable
t*rture and suffering.

Isn't that right, Chronos?

Wait, wait. You're his father?

[laughs] Okay. Oh...

Oh, yes, that-that's good.

Why did I do it?

It's simple.
I thought it would be funny.

- [roars]
- [shouts]

[shrieks]

- I'm sorry!
- [roaring]

DAMNED HELLSTRIKE:
He's eating my face!

What have I done
to deserve this?!

Thank the gods.

You are a victim of trauma.

And it's way worse than mine.

[chuckles]
Oh, today is confusing.

DAMNED HELLSTRIKE:
Chronos! My boy...

[indistinct chatter]

Form a line, people.

Everybody will have a chance
to get in the boiling cauldron.

Don't do it, everyone!

Oh, but I want to be soup
so bad.

Whee!

Oh, gods.

- [Gilius laughs] Me next!
- [gasps] Gilius?

[chuckles] So fun.

I'm gonna get
my dirty a*s in there.

Stop, Gilius.
You have to snap out of it.

I'm gonna pretend
I'm a slice of onion.

- Gods, what do I do?
- Hey, buddy, it looks like

you're really
struggling with something.

I enchanted my friend and now
I don't know how to reverse it.

Most enchantments
can be reversed

with a drop of blood
from someone who is unaffected.

Hey, I'm unaffected.

I can do this. Or...

Hey, can I borrow something?

Ow! Hey!

- I was so nice to you.
- Sorry.

- [exclaims]
- Now drink, Gilius.

What in a pig's taint
did you do to me?

I'm so sorry,

but the bar maiden's
an evil sorceress

enchanting the town and is now--

Making a people stew
to feed Death Adder's hordes.

Oh, that witch!

- Aah!
- I'm giving you one chance

to free these townsfolk
on your own, you frigging witch!

I'm a frigging sorceress.

And it's not my job to explain
to you the difference.

It's your job to die!

And I hear you're
real good at it. [shouts]

[grunting]

Go, Gilius! He is doing it.

- Aah!
- [growls]

- [whimpers]
- [shouts]

Your friends will be
joining you spoon.

- Joining you spoon?
- Oh, uh, I-I think

the enchantment
must still be wearing off.

- Sure, dude.
- [laughing]

Shut up, shut up!

[grunting]

You fight well, dwarf.

But you're a fool
if you think you can stop me.

[cackling]

Aah!

Right in my witch chest.

[raspy laugh, exhale]

Is it crazy that I want
to try the soup?

♪ ♪

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Sorry I enchanted you.

Guess I can't blame you
for ditching me now.

GILIUS:
Oh, shut up.

You're coming with me.

Don't joke around, Gilius,

I'm too fragile
for sarcasms right now.

Look, you drugged me

and I'm pissed as hell.

That was stupid and reckless,
but also a lot of fun.

Now, Damned Hellstrike awaits

and if we're gonna defeat him,
we're gonna have to teach you

how to fight and figure out

what the heck
turns on the Emerald Blade.

Training? Finally!
What'd you have in mind?

Nothing, if you don't
get rid of that picture.

- Come on, let's go.
- Aw.

Well, this doesn't look real.

[shouts] I could have
drawn this way better.

♪ ♪

[growling softly]

He ate his face.

He ate his father's whole face.

What's wrong with Ax?

Nothing's wrong.

He's got some new trauma
that's gonna make him

extra good at fighting tomorrow.

Tyris, trauma doesn't
make you a better fighter.

Now, let's rest,

for tomorrow we take on
Dad Hellstrike...

Damned Helldad.

Dad Dad-dad.

Welp, goodnight.

[snores]

He doesn't even remember.

What do you have to go through

to eat your father's face

and not remember?

Maybe it would be healthier
to talk about our trauma.

Chronos?

Is he asleep now?

[man imitates weapons firing]

Chirp.

[production theme]