02x07 - Always Be Brownies/Mystery Meat

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Rise of the ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Rise of the ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Heroes in the half-shell Turtle power ♪

♪ Rising up against evil paint the city green ♪

♪ Raph is ready for a fight Leo's making a scene ♪

♪ Mikey's got mad skills Donnie rocks machines ♪

♪ With each other they discover ♪

♪ Their destiny and rise ♪

♪ Cowabunga ♪

♪ Rise of the ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪

♪ Heroes in the half-shell Turtle power ♪

♪ Rise ♪

- Buy a cookie, and help me save trees!

Without trees there'd be no air.

Without air, there'd be no us.

Think of the trees, people!

[cheering] - [whimpering]

- Try Grandma CJ's Brownies,

and you'll see just how good a brownie can be!

Way better than a cookie.

[gloomy organ music]

- [sighs]

[sighs]

And the list of my failures continues to grow.

That crashed harder than my aviary club.

Ha ha! - [cooing]

[hawk shrieks] - Huh?

Miniatures club...

[sighs]

Huh? Magician's Assistants Club...

[sighs] And that was just Tuesday.

- Sounds like you could use a little help

from an experienced salesman. Sit and watch!

[somber music]

- Do you think you are a failure?

Are you afraid you'll never achieve your goals?

Well...

Hot Soup that attitude in the face!

Hello, I am action star, Lou Jitsu.

You know from hit films and hit infomercials like

"Greeting Card Neckties,"

and "Dreamcatcher Gloves."

I am here to talk to you about

my patented five step Lou Jitsu: J-I-T-S-U Strategy.

- Mm-hmm. - Follow my plan,

and you can karate chop any obstacle

between you and your goals.

Into splinters.

- What?

This is the best part! - You're in.

But we need something to disguise this...

whole situation.

- All right, April, just remember this:

When making a sale, you are not selling the cookie,

[chewing] you are selling an idea.

Go on, fly, my little Lou.

- Okay. You can do this, O'Neil.

[inhales]

[exhales] People of New York,

are you enjoying the sunny spring day?

The outdoors? The breathing of air?

Buy this cookie,

or there won't be any more air!

Or cookies or us, because trees!

- [screaming] - Mmm.

- [groans]

[laughter]

- Eh, don't sweat it, April.

Sit back and watch how it's done.

[sniffing]

Mmm, remember this smell?

- Hm? - What?

- Piping hot chocolate chip cookies, like mom used to make.

Oh, it brings me back to simpler times.

[crying]

Times when I had someone to kiss my boo-boos,

[laughing] to read me stories,

to tuck me in at night.

[crowd awws]

Now who wants to buy some love? [crowd cheering]

- I want one! - Me, me, me!

- Please!

- Ha! Ugh.

[cheering]

[rock music]

- [grunts] Aah!

♪ ♪

Grr.

I don't currently take Mandarin, Spanish, Swedish,

and Flemish, to be outsold by these [indistinct].

[phone rings] [indistinct talking]

- Uh, Julia, Grandma CJ wants to see you.

- [gasps]

[shady music]

[kids chattering]

- Boss, I know sales are down, but you gotta believe me.

It's not my fault.

There's this new super cool hairy teen

in--ugh--skinny jeans slinging cookies like rocks.

- Cookies!?

The peasants of desserts are beating my brownies?

This will not stand!

- Excellent.

I shall crush our chocolate chip enemies between my fists.

[chuckles] - No!

Bring them to me.

This fashion-forward punks are either going to work for me,

or they're never going to work at all!

- $, $, $, $, $, $!

What'd I tell you? We nailed it!

- You did.

No one took a pamphlet except for the one guy

who used it to wipe the cookie off his face.

- Okay, that's it. What has gotten into you?

- Without you, I wouldn't have raised a single dollar

to plant new trees.

I'm such a failure.

- April, you're not a failure. You are--

Wah! [coughing]

[gasps]

- [giggling]

- Girls, could you give us a minute?

I was just ramping up to a life-changing speech.

- The only thing you're ramping up to

is a meeting with Keats... [knuckles crack]

...and Fitzgerald. [knuckles crack]

I read at a th grade level. Rah!

- [grunts] - [grunts]

[villainous music]

♪ ♪

- [whistles] [bells ringing]

♪ ♪

- Wha--where am I? What am I doing here?

- Grandma CJ wants to see you.

Apparently, she wants to recruit you.

- Why would she want me when she's got you guys?

You're amazing.

- Yes. Yes, we are.

- You should really let me go.

If you do, this'll go a lot easier for you.

[both laughing]

- And how are you gonna break outta here?

- Ha ha. Breaking out of places is easy.

Me, I'd just scoot through that duct.

- Whoa. You can crawl in that duck?

- It's duct, not "duck."

- Duck, that's what I said.

- No, you didn't.

- Ya-huh. - Nah-uh.

- Ya-huh. - Nah-uh.

- I don't know what you're talking about!

[grunts]

Brownie! Maybe you should hit me again?

- Do not lie to me, Lou Jitsu!

I know you're here to stop my world takeover!

- World takeover? - Yes!

- As Grandma CJ? Oof!

- Brownies are the key.

You sell enough, you get to meet everyone.

Fortune CEOs,

mayors,

world leaders.

Once everyone knows our brand,

we'll be able to get into any office in the world.

Even the oval one!

- Sounds complicated. How long is this going to take?

- Based on my projections and factoring in inflation

and natural disasters to the Coco Region,

it should only take--

ten years!?

[somber music]

[sniveling and crying]

- Uh...

[quacks] - Duct, duck.

Duct-- - 'Scuse me, 'scuse me.

- Whoa, did you just, like, untie yourself with a walnut?

Amazing!

- Eh, that was basic. Nyuh!

- Aah!

[metal creaking]

Urgh.

- [shrieks] - That was amazing.

- Guards! Attack!

[nose honks] - [grunting]

- You know, those Foot Clan guys,

they never really treated me right,

but we were doing cool stuff, you know?

Like trying to raise the Shredder.

You do that, and you're top dog.

The world is your oyster to crush.

- Mm-hmm. We have all been there.

- Now, I'm looking at brownie projections

and watching the next ten years just bake by.

I'm a failure! - Ha, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta.

Just because you failed doesn't make you a failure.

You're focusing only on the negative, not the positive.

- What do you mean?

- Let me tell you about a girl I know.

She also thinks she's a failure.

- Agh! [grunting]

- She's incredibly tenacious and capable.

Not everything she does works out.

- Oof! - Ha!

- Huh? all: Yah!

- Come on!

- But that never stops her from trying.

- Aah!

[all grunting]

Who's next?

[metal clanking]

- I hate to beat up an old lady.

- I'm ! - Ha ha!

- Hmm, exactly.[grunts]

- She could fail again.

- Oof!

- And again! - Ooh, ow!

And again!

- [gasps]

- Rah! - And again.

But despite her many failures, she never gives in.

She always finds a way forward.

- [laughs manically] - [grunts]

[exciting music]

- You remind me a lot of her.

Your passion. You both strive for greatness!

- Aah![grunts]

- Aah!

♪ ♪

- Don't forget milk!

- Wow, did you just French braid all of us together?

[laughs]Amazing!

- Huh?

- And maybe brownies are not your key to world takeover,

but if anyone was

going to take over the world with brownies,

I doubt they could do a better job than what you have.

- [honks nose] Thank you so much.

You're such a great listener.

- Uh, I feel like I did most of the talking.

- I feel like things are gonna be different from now on.

From this day forward--

- You're going to start being a good person?

- Nobody will stand in my way to world domination!

- Wrong lesson! Wrong lesson!

[metal clanging]

- Aah!

[grunts]

- You've taken out my entire Brownie Clan.

Impressive.

- Let him go.

- Make me. - Everyone calm down.

[chuckles]

I'm sure we can all find a way to get along.

- Enough! Talk's cheap.

- I could agree more.

- See how much you have in common?

both: No we don't! She's my enemy!

- Need I say more?

- Give me back my money and the rat.

- How about I let him go, but I keep the money.

- Hmm. Well...

- [stammering]Really!?

- [groans] Fine.

- [grunts] Oof!

- [coughs]

Well, she's gone, and so is our tree money.

[sighs]

Looks like another typical April O'Neil failure.

- April, you are not--

- Although, I did rescue you. - Yes, which--

- And I did take out a troop of lethal little girls.

- See, this is what--

- And I got myself free with a walnut!

A walnut!

- Ah, look at you.

A J-I-T-S-U course graduate!

- Yeah, but I still can't even sell a single cookie.

- Oh, I know you will.

It is like I say in my video tape:

There is no one path to success,

other than the one you make.

If a pompadour punch isn't working,

approach your problem with a flaming gorilla arm bar.

- Yes, teach me how to arm bar my way to world domination!

[dark music]

- [snarling]

♪ ♪

- Hah!

[school bell rings]

[bleak militaristic music]

[depressed murmurs]

- Enjoy your Sloppy Joseph.

- Ew. - Gross.

- Baron Draxum, we have a code red.

- Bah, bah, bah.

I'm dealing with a situation, O'Neil.

- Dale, pick up that napkin! - It's not mine.

- [gasps] [gasping]

- [growls]

- Whoa! Waah!

Okay, okay!

Mommy!

Ah! - Recycling!

[crying] - [laughs]

- Draxum, you promised not to use your yokai powers

in front of people.

- But it makes things so much more efficient.

Why shouldn't I?

- Because of this letter I found in your mailbox.

- Ah, my mailbox. What is a mailbox?

"The Lunch Lady Association is honored to declare Barry Draxum

"Lunch Person of the Month

for his excellence in lunchroomery."

- And the superintendent of lunchrooms, Vivian Slopworth,

is coming today to present your award.

- This is marvelous!

It's about time the human worms show the great Baron Draxum

the respect he commands!

Ooh!

- No, this is bad. Do you wanna blow your cover?

Because that's what's gonna happen

if Slopworth sees how you run things.

- What is wrong with how I run things?

I find this warm, moist ecosystem

really keeps the baloney soft.

- Uh. - [grumbling]

[unsettling music]

- Oh, boy, if the big boss sees this mystic stuff,

you're outta here. We need help.

Mikey, we have a code double red.

The superintendent of lunchrooms

is coming to tour Draxum's kitchen.

- I can't hear you, April, I'm saving New York!

- [laughs] Whoo!

- It looks like you're go-karting.

- I'm not go-karting, and I still can't hear you!

- Ha! - Aah!

- Okay, we have got to clean this up

before Slopworth gets here. - You mean her?

[dramatic sting]

- Oh, boy.

Okay, look, Draxy. You keep her busy,

and I'll take care of--[gasps]

This whole situation. - Got it.

- You, quit stirring that pot of mystery meat,

and get rid of everything in here that's still alive.

You, get a bucket of suds

and start making this place spotless.

- [whiny gibberish]

- I don't care how long you've been working here.

I'm a vertebrate, so I'm in charge.

[both speaking gibberish]

- [grunting]

- Welcome to the caf, your excellency.

- Delighted.

I was very impressed by how low your costs are.

How do you run this entire place by yourself?

- Draxum prides himself on efficiency.

- [gasps]

You have children eat from a trough?

- Uh...

- That's exactly what I suggested on my first day.

No one listened!

"They'll burn their hands," they all said.

- [laughs] The weaker ones do,

but we're trying to cull the herd.

- Now let's see what you've done to this kitchen.

- Uh, kitchen?

[growling] - Ooh!

[squeaking] [gleaming]

- [gibberish]

[frantic music]

- [roars]

- [grunting]

♪ ♪

- Time to open the kitchen... - [gasps]

- After a gentle push of this unlocked swinging door, April!

- [gasps] Hah!

[grunting]

- Aah!

[glass breaking]

- Mmm, mmm, these nuggets are delicious!

Mmm! - Right?

Why use costly chicken

when there are dozens of birds out by the trash?

Anywho, this is my unpaid intern, April.

Cha-ching.

[both gasp] - Superintendent Slopworth!

I've heard so much about you in the last ten minutes.

I'm a big fan of the cafeteria arts.

- Call me Viv.

I hope you'll join us for Barry's banquet tonight.

- Banquet?

What a perfect way for my subjects--

I mean, colleagues, to kneel at my feet!

[buzzes]

[ominous sting]

- I thought we'd have it right here in your cafeteria.

[both gasp]

I've invited every lunch lady in the district.

- Really?Here?

[squelching] - [neighing]

[roars] [shrieks]

- What better place than the finest cafeteria

in our whole district?

- [grunting] - You have a great point.

I am the best! - Aah, ooh, aah!

Would you like to see how I organize the sporks, Viv?

- You have a spork system?

- Ooh!

[squishing] - Ooh, aah!

- [laughs]

- Gotcha! Hmm.

Whoa! Aah!

[grunts]

Aah!

[crashing] [shrieks]

- [gurgling]

- Whaa-- Ooh!

[gasps]

Get back here you sloppy goblin!

Aah! [honking]

[engine revs]

- Ha ha!

Gotcha!

Hot soup, baby!

Problem solved!

- I thought you were saving the city.

- And you were my next stop.

Now what's this about the superintendent

checking up on Draxum?

[squelching]

- [snickers]

- O'Neil! - Uh...

What is the status? - Draxum!

Why was there an ooze-squito in your kitchen?

- Well, I don't know.

Okay, I was going to turn

that Dale kid into a cantaloupe mutant.

His head--come on, it looks just like one!

- Because you couldn't give up your mystic stuff,

there's now a mutant inside that locker!

- I got you a swank apartment, and this sweet job,

and you're risking it all to play with ooze-squitos!?

Are you trying to get thrown in the Hidden City Prison?

Huh? - [sighs] No.

[all scream]

- [growls]

- Ooh! Ah!

- Draxum, no!

- [snarls]

both: No!

- Byah.

- [whistling] [wails]

Ooh.

- Please, please, stop the mystic stuff.

You almost blew your cover again.

- But we have to stop him.

I'm about to receive the Lunch Person of the Month Award,

which I can only assume is the highest human honor!

- Where'd you go, Barry?

- He must not ruin it for me.

- You have done enough.

Keep the superintendent busy,

and we'll go deal with Sloppy Joseph.

[tires squeal]

[tense music]

[tires squeal] - Yah!

- [squelching gibberish]

- Aah! Oof!

[placid music]

- [bellowing snarls]

- When he eats, he grows?

- [growling gurgles]

- When he eats he grows!

[whistling]

- Ha ha! Yes!

[grunts]

- Take a look at that, Barry. - [gasps]

A statue of me made of fish sticks?

In my previous life,

naturally I assumed they would build statues in my honor,

but even I never imagined such beautiful breading.

- [growling]

[tires screeching]

- Oh! Oh, no.

[crashes]

Aw, man. - Mikey!

He's after the sugar machine!

[bellowing snarls]

[burps] [both gasp]

[bellowing snarling]

[roars]

[both scream]

- Okay, this isn't going as planned.

[snarls]

[sniffing]

both: What?

- Lunch ladies and lunch gentlemen,

this room says it all.

The best-managed cafeteria in the district!

I proudly present the Golden Hairnet

to Lunch Person of the Month, Barry Draxum!

- Ha ha, thank you. [clapping]

- Whoo.

- I humbly accept this totem of your eternal worship.

As the greatest among you, I-- - [shrieks]

- [snarls]

- My lowly lunch subjects, remain calm!

There's a simple human explanation for this harmless--

- [bellowing snarls] - My statue!

This monster must be slain!

[roars]

[all screaming]

- [grunts]

- Barry, no mystic stuff!

- What!? - No, no, no.

- [sighs]

Totally explainable common beast,

as lord of the lunchroom, I command you to stand down.

[dings]

- [snarling] [all grunting]

- Ugh?

- My hair! - Your excellency!

- [grunting]

- No!

[grunts]

- Draxum, what are you doing?

- Fine, no mystic stuff.

- [belching]

- Ooh! [grunts]

What am I gonna do? [gasps]

[triumphant music]

Sloppy Joseph!

You're about to get served! [bell rings]

♪ ♪

Wah-tah!

- [snarls]

- Come and get it, lunch meat!

[cannons c*ck]

- [shrieks]

- Aah! Infinity sauce cannon!

- [growls]

- Battle ladles of justice! Hyah, hyah!

Ooh, ha, nyuh! Hyuh!

[grunting] - [snarling]

[exciting music]

[snarling] - [grunting]

♪ ♪

- Hyah! [grunts]

- Aah! - Ooh.

♪ ♪

- Hyah!

- Eeyh!

- [grunts]

[splattering]

- I'm revoking your award, Draxum.

- As you wish, your excellency.

- [scoffs]

- Don't worry, Barry.

We've all had to deal with an occasional meat goblin.

- Just last week,

one of my chalupas took out the entire debate team.

- The point is, you're one of us now.

And what happens in the lunchroom

stays in the lunchroom.

[drum music]

[clock ticking]

♪ ♪

- Aah, mmm.

- You lucked out this time, Barry.

- From now on, no more mystic stuff.

Promise me that!

- I promise on my fish stick statue.

both: Okay.

[gentle music]

- Hungry buddy?

- [snarly coos] - Yes, you are.

Hmm.

We better not overdo it. - [snarls]