15x04 - Biscuit Ballyhoo/Student Driver Survivor

[bunniefuu]

Are you ready, kids?

kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

I can't hear you.

kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Ready?

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

[flute plays]

[waves crashing]

[bright music]

All right, Science Scouts,
listen up.

This here business is serious
as a rattlesnake bite,

so let's make sure
we don't mess it up.

If we earn enough money,
we can finally

afford that trip to Mars!

[grunts]

Now, get out there
and sell these biscuits!

[together] Aye, aye,
Science Master Sandy.

♪ ♪

[doorbell rings]

What's all that racket?
- Good day, ma'ams.

Would you like to buy
some Science Scouts biscuits?

Science?
Puh!

That malarkey ain't real.

Back in my day, we had alchemy,

and that was
good enough for us.

Aw.
Mary, it's Wednesday.

Time to shave down my bunions!
Ugh!

[tools grinding]

Ew.

[eerie music]

[wolf howling]

[knocker clangs]

Who is it?

Good day, sir.
Are you the man of the house?

Oh, no.
The master is in repose.

[cheers and applause]

Well, perhaps your master
would like to wake up

to some fresh-baked biscuits.
- Oh, no.

He doesn't care
for solid foods.

[slurping]

Master does get thirsty though.
Sorry.

[strained, high-pitched]
No problem.

[upbeat music]

Sup, little lady bro?
- Yes, hello, sir.

Have you considered purchasing
some Science Scout bis--

um...
- [grunting]

I mean, energy bars?

They will fill you
with the fuel for fitness!

Well, Larry does need
to carbo load.

I'll take a dozen boxes.

[cash register chimes]

♪ ♪

Ah!
[chewing]

Yeah!

We got our first sale.
- Whoo-hoo!

♪ ♪

[doorbell ringing]

[cash register chimes]

[knocks]

♪ ♪

[laughs]
Oh, yay!

[coughing]

Oh, my aching knuckles.

I must have knocked on
a million doors today.

[money twinkling]

[sniffs]
Money?

[giggles]
Tasty morsels for the Krabsy.

Hey, claws off!

That money belongs
to the Science Scouts.

I got it from selling biscuits.

Selling biscuitses, eh?
[giggles]

All right,
that was some fancy

biscuit hawking yesterday,
but today, we're going to--

hey, where's SpongeBob?

He's over there
with Mr. Krabs

and that sad-looking octopus.

SpongeBob,
what are you doing?

He's working with the premier
biscuit-selling team

in Bikini Bottom,
that's what he's doing.

Now, if you don't mind,

we've got some Krusty Doodles
to sell.

Krusty Doodles?

[chomps]
Blech!

These are just
stale Krabby Patty buns.

Aged to perfection
and sprinkled with cinnamon.

Now, scram!
This is Krusty Scout territory.

Oh, no, this is
Science Scout territory.

Oh, yeah?
How about a little wager?

Whoever sells the most biscuits
today gets to keep selling.

And the loser leaves
the biscuit biz forever!

[together]
Deal.

[knocks]
- Hmm? Oh, no.

A solicitor.
- [grunts]

Friend,
how would you like to buy

the most collectible snack
in the whole ocean?

They're mint biscuits
in mint condition.

Ooh, mint, you say?

If you want
real biscuit flavor,

try a Krusty Doodle instead.

Your cosplay is terrible.
I'll pass.

Give me three boxes.
- Whoa!

Avast, Mr. Squidward.

If you want to move biscuits,
you gotta be cuter.

Here, I'll help you.
- [grunts]

[air hisses]

There you go.
Now you're adorable, see?

I can't see anything.
My retinas detached.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, Pearl,
don't you look cute?

Oh, thanks, Mrs. Puff.

I'm selling biscuits so
my scout troop can go to Mars.

Adorable.
Let me get my purse.

Wait a minute.
Buy my biscuits instead!

What's wrong with
your eyes, Squidward?

You're blowing it again.
I'll show you how it's done.

[tender music]

Hello, my sweet Puffikins.

Won't you buy some biscuits
from the only crab

to ever steal your heart?

Oh, well,
that does sound nice.

Don't listen to him.

My biscuits are better,
Mrs. Puff.

Don't listen to her!

Hey, find your own house
to sell at!

Hey, get your biscuit
right here.

Come on, buy mine!
- Uh-huh.

[brawlers arguing indistinctly]

[boat honks]
- Oh!

Would you like
to buy some biscuits?

No!

Are you sure you don't want
to buy some biscuits?

Yes.

How about our super spicy
cinnamon biscuits?

[tires thud]

[screaming]

[brawlers arguing indistinctly]

[record scratch]

Why did everyone
stop yelling?

[boat honking]
- [screaming]

[expl*si*n]

[bright music]

[all groaning]

Well, looks like
the biscuit business

is all mine now.
[sniffing]

We ain't letting him
win this one.

Come on, Science Scouts!
Ugh! Oh.

Oh, why not let it go, Sandy?

There's only one place left
in town to sell to anyway,

the old folks home,

and you'd have to sell
to every single oldie there

to beat me.

Looks like
it's up to you, Pearl.

[steam whistle toots]

[panting]

What?
Wait, what?

That was my plan.

[panting]

♪ ♪

I believe this
belongs to you.

Ah.

[laughs]
- Huh? Huh?

Ah, my biscuits!

[bike whooshes]

[chuckles]
Nothing beats sabotage-y.

[sparks crackling]

Huh?
Me brakes?

They've been sabotagied!

[tires screech]
Oh!

♪ ♪

[expl*si*n]

♪ ♪

Who wants biscuits?

Huh?
- What about you, mister?

Buy some biscuits from
a sweet little girl?

Are you kidding?

Everyone's chompers
have gone missing.

How are we supposed
to chew biscuits

if we ain't got no teeth?

[all groaning]

[chuckling]

[slams trunk]

Looks like I borrowed
everyone's dentures.

[laughs]

[screams]
Ooh-ie!

♪ ♪

[blender whirring]

♪ ♪

Get your biscuit mush
right here, nice and soft.

We do the chewing
so you don't have to.

Oh, yeah.
- Homemade biscuits.

Lovely mush.

Well, I guess that's it.
Time to call it a day.

[cart squeaking]
- Live and learn, Pearly girl.

That's just the way
the biscuit bounces.

[chuckling]

Make mine extra mushy.

[laughs]

[sighs]

Aw, hey there, Pearly girl.

Sorry you didn't win
the competition.

Oh, I didn't lose yet.
- You didn't?

Nope, I realized there was
one more person to sell to,

and I know how to get him
to buy anything.

[laughs]
- Oh.

I don't like
where this is going.

[straining]

[sobbing]
Oh, Daddy!

Buy my biscuits.
[sobbing]

Oh, Daddy!
- No, I can't-- I--

[sobbing]

[water gurgling]

All right,
I'll buy your biscuits.

Thanks, Daddy.
Mwah!

We're going to Mars.

[sobs]
Hm, these are tasty.

[rocket whooshes]

Whew, that was some
mighty fine selling,

Science Scouts.

Now, we can afford
to boldly expand

into new biscuit markets.

[together]
Hooray!

[knocking]

[together]
Huh?

Greetings, Earth creatures.

Would you like to purchase
some Astro Biscuits?

We are raising money
for a trip to Earth.

OK, y'all.

If we earn enough money,

we can afford a trip
to Jupiter.

[upbeat music]

Vroom, vroom!
Vrow!

My boat was stuck in reverse
for a whole mile.

I turned left and backed into
a mountain of giant springs.

Whoa!
Wow.

Righteous, dude.

Then, the boat
sprung forward,

up onto an unfinished bridge,
where we bounced--

yoink, yoink--
from column to column

and got caught on the hook
of a construction crane,

where we swung out
over the city

until we landed
on a garbage dumpster.

Thank you, SpongeBob,
for that melodramatic

retelling of our
last driving lesson.

My pleasure.
[engine revving]

[horse neighing]

[laughs nervously]
Wall came out of nowhere.

[sparse applause]

Settle down, class.

I'm elated to announce
that today

we have a new driving student
with us.

Come in and introduce yourself.

Thank you so much
for this opportunity.

Acceleration T. Greenlight's
the name,

and teaching driving
is my game.

What?

I'm the owner and operator of
the Greenlight Driving School.

[horn honks]

All right, mister,
you can just--

And I guarantee
a driver's license

to anyone after only one drive
around the block,

and at half the price
that Mrs. Puff charges.

[chuckles]

[cheers and applause]

I've dealt
with his kind before.

[desk buzzes]

No, I am not going back
to the slammer.

Once around the block
and your license is a lock.

Follow me!
Right this way, beep, beep!

Beep, beep!
Beep, beep!

Class, where are you going?
Don't listen to him.

Come back.
We have a lesson.

[sighs]

Welcome, suckers--
I mean, students--

to the Greenlight
Driving School.

I can't believe
everyone left me.

Not everyone!

[sighs]
SpongeBob.

I might have known.

Whoa!
- No problem.

Careful.
Watch out.

I got this.
- Slow down.

Brakes, brakes!

[screaming]
- Sorry.

Oh, Neptune.
- Whoops.

Here you go.
That's for today's lesson.

[grunts]

Don't spend it all
in one place.

See you next week.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[growls]

Yessiree,
once around the block.

[laughs]

Congratulations!

You're a licensed driver.

Gnarly.

[cash register chimes]

[chuckles]

[boat crashes]

I want a license.
- Me too!

[scoffs]
Acceleration T. Greenlight.

Yah! Bills?
Overdue, delinquent?

[gasps]
"Pay or die?"

How will I ever pay these bills

teaching SpongeBob
only once a week?

Oh.

Yah!
- Yoo-hoo, SpongeBob?

Hop in for your next lesson.

Oh, you're mistaken,
Mrs. Puff.

Today's not my lesson day.

I just upgraded you
to Super Gold status.

You'll have lessons every day,
with the corresponding fees,

of course.
- Yeah, but I--

I'm on my way to work.

Get in the boat!
- Yes, Mrs. Puff.

Now, drive.
- Aye, aye.

[bright music]

♪ ♪

[screaming]

Wow!
I can't look!

[screams]
Stop!

♪ ♪

[boat thuds]

Ooh, looky there.

It's that really successful
driving school.

Hey, thanks.
- Thanks.

[laughs]
Great.

I can drive now.

♪ ♪

Huh, thanks!

♪ ♪

Hello, loser.

Don't worry, Mrs. Puff.

I'm loyal to you and only you.

Oh, thank you, Sponge...

[tires screech]
Bob!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[all screaming]

[boat crashes]

[trident point thuds]

[sighs]

That was a long day's
driving lesson, Gary.

[boat honking]

SpongeBob,
time for your next lesson!

Yeah, but it's
the middle of the night.

Tonight's lesson is...
- [screams]

Late-night driving.

Of course,
there'll be an extra fee.

Hurry up.

[yawns]
Coming, Mrs. Puff.

The most important part of
night driving is staying awake.

Some loud music...

[bombastic big band music]

And coffee should do it.

Eeeh!
- Watch it.

Get off the road!

[boats crashing]

[bright music]

♪ ♪

I'll see you in the morning
for tomorrow's lesson.

But tomorrow is Sunday.

It's your Sunday
driver lesson,

you silly billy boy.

Yeah, I'm a silly billy boy.

Finally, a day to myself.

[humming melody]

[boat honks]
Huh?

Today's lesson, ice driving.

Whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Turn into the slide.
Foot off the gas.

Pray to Neptune.

[screams]

♪ ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, that actually worked.

[ice cracking]

[boat splashes]

[yodeling]

Just what I needed,
some me time.

[inhales deeply]

[boat honks]
Yikes!

What lesson now?

Mountain driving lesson.

[screaming]

Look out below!

[expl*si*n]

Nurse,
I'm unzipping him now.

[monitors beeping]

Oh, hold on, Doctor.
Mrs. Puff, are you in there?

[echoing]
Are you in there?

Don't be silly, SpongeBob.
How would I fit in there?

Yeah,
there's only room for one, me.

[together]
Oh, Patrick.

Time for your next
driving lesson.

But, Mrs. Puff,
I'm totally broke.

I can't pay for
any more lessons.

Well, I guess it's
the end of the road for me.

Can we get some lunch now?
Your stomach is empty

[sighs]
Out of business.

I thought my school
would last forever.

SpongeBob,
the one-sponge wrecking crew.

[bell dings]
Ooh!

Hold on, SpongeBob.
That's it.

I can't believe I've been
going about this all wrong.

[laughs]

Happy trails, snail.

[meows]

Well, if it isn't Mrs. Puff.

What brings you to
my humble driving school?

You say you can get
any student a license

with just one lesson?

Guaranteed.

Well, I've got
a live one for you.

[laughs]
Oh, good luck!

You'll need it.
Mwah.

[laughing]

The trick to being
a licensed driver

is going once around the block.

Whoa!

[screaming]

What are you doing?
Let me out!

Oh, I haven't learned
"let me out" yet,

but I'll show you
what I have learned.

[engine rumbles]

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, ah, whoa!

[sobbing]

[boats crashing]

Stop!
Stop this boat, I beg of you!

The trick
to being a passenger

is to give up all control.

[screams]

[boat crashes]

How's my driving?

Well, if it isn't SpongeBob.

And you've captured
the notorious

Acceleration T. Greenlight.

He's been selling
phony driver's licenses

throughout the seabed.

And I would have
gotten away with it, too,

if it wasn't for the
worst driver in all the oceans.

[laughter]

I wonder
who he meant by that.

Thank you, SpongeBob.
Do go on.

Then, Acceleration and I
went down the mountain,

and we drove through the fog.
[crashes]

And we crashed on the ice.

I love that story, SpongeBob.
Tell it again.

[objects crashing
and thudding]

Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.