15x02 - Upward/Unidentified Flailing Octopus

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Ready?

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SquarePants!

[laughing]

[flute plays]

[waves crashing]

[light jazzy music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, Lady Upturn!

Always a delight to
have you back at our gallery.

- I'm bored by the art
in my home.

What do you have that's
new and interesting?

[sniffs] Ick.

- Oh, I-I've been saving
our newest and finest

pieces just for you.

This work is by one of
our emerging artists.

- Bleh.

Where did they emerge
from, under a rock?

- Ah, how did you know?

- Lady Upturn,
I am so, so sorry.

I should never have
shown you that dreck.

Never fear.

This next work is
guaranteed to excite.

[wheels squeaking]

Bikini Bottom's
premier dance troupe

has created
a performance so new,

even they don't
know what it is yet.

[claps]

[dissonant jazz music playing]

♪

- Yawn.

Moving in time to
music is hardly new.

This does nothing
for me, either.

- Oh, surely, there's
something here you'll enjoy.

- No, I'm afraid not.

Regigilled!

I need a walk to clear my mind.

Carry me.
- Very good, ma'am.

[grunting]

- Alas, I have failed.

Ow.

[peaceful music]

- Whoo!
[laughs]

- [inhales deeply]

[off-key tune playing]

- No!

- [screaming]
- [howling]

- [wailing]

♪ ♪

- Oh?
- Oh.

My apologies, madam.

I shall remove your person
from this cacophony at once.

- No, no, Regigilled.
Take me closer.

- [groans] As you wish.

♪ ♪

- You, there!

Yes, you!

- I'm allowed to play
my clarinet here.

It's a free ocean, you know.

I'm not stopping!

- Stop?

I wouldn't dream of it.

That is the most interesting
and avant-garde music

I have heard in years.

Oh, it is sublime.

Do you have a patron?
I simply must be yours.

- Yeah, yeah, very funny.

What is this, one of those
hidden-camera TV prank shows?

- Heavens, no.

Television
is the lowest form of art.

Regigilled, pay the man.

- You can't just buy the soul
of a raw talent like myself.

[cash register bell dings]

Lady, you just bought
yourself an artist.

[upbeat music]

Hello, losers.

- Hi, Squidward.

- What's with all the joy,
Mr. Squidward?

- I'm a paid musician now.

- You?
Musician? Paid?

[laughing]

- Laugh all you want,
but it's true.

I don't need this minimum-wage
prison anymore.

I quit.

- [laughing]

[fanfare playing, horn honks]

[laughing]

Huh?

[fanfare continues]

[horn honks, tires squealing]

- Wow!

Squidward's dreams are
finally coming true.

[fanfare continues]

[tires screech]

- Welcome to your new home,
Mr. Tentacles.

[objects tinkling]

- Oh, my, it's incredible.

But where are you
going to live?

- [groans]
- [laughs] The mansion is mine.

You just get one tiny room.

- [gasps] Oh, my.

Wow!
- [laughs]

- I cannot wait to show you off

to my wealthy,
taste-making friends,

so you better get writing.

- Yes, ma'am, ma'am.

- Toodle-oo, you genius, you.

[regal music]

- [inhales deeply]

[off-key tune playing]

♪ ♪

[upbeat orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[pen scratching]

♪ ♪

[shimmering tone,
angelic singing]

[off-key tune continues]

[upbeat orchestral music]

[cash register bell dings]

♪ ♪

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[car horn honks]

♪ ♪

Out of my way, peon.

- So sorry, my lord.

- Wow, Squidward.

That was very, uh,
confident of you.

- Yes.

Being an artist requires
having an artist's temperament,

you boob.

[snaps tentacles]

What took you so long?

Now, then, I'm only
here to invite you

both to my big debut concert.

[inhales deeply]
[clarinet squeaks]

[clarinet honks]
- Huh?

- Witness my rebirth
on the grandest stage

in Bikini Bottom...

if you can get the time off.
[laughing]

- [growls] Somehow,
he's even more annoying now

than when he worked here.
[horn honking]

- Wait, Mr. Krabs.

Squidward is just being
insufferable because his dreams

are coming true.

We have to go and support him.
We're his friends.

- Well, "friends"
is a strong word, but fine.

[sweeping music]

♪ ♪

[door opens]
- Hiya, Squidward.

Mr. Krabs and I just wanted
to wish you luck

before your big show.

- [scoffs] Luck?
Don't be stupid.

I'm the greatest musician
who ever lived.

Rich people say so.

- Can't argue with money.
- Now, go find your seats.

I'm in the middle
of my pre-show ritual,

and I don't want
to be bothered.

- Eh.

[indistinct chatter]

[cheers and applause]

- Good evening, music lovers.

Like me, I'm sure you are tired
of the same old notes being

played the same old ways.

Well, fear not.

Tonight you will finally
hear something new.

Tonight I present to you

Mr. Squidward Tentacles.

[cheers and applause]

[fanfare playing]

- Forget your wedding.

Forget the birth
of your first child.

This is going to be

the greatest night
of your lives.

[applause]

all:
Oh!

- [inhales deeply]

[off-key tune playing]

♪ ♪

[all groaning]

♪ ♪

- [screams]

♪ ♪

[screaming]

- Oh, isn't it
dazzling, Doctor?

[electricity crackling]
Oh. [laughing]

- Hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.
Yes.

Pardon me, Lady Upturn.

May I...?

- Of course, Dr. Fishberg.

[electricity crackling]

- Lady Upturn, there's
a jellyfish blocking your ears.

- Oh, goodness!

It must have gotten
stuck up there during my walk

through Jellyfish Fields.

[music continues]

- Oh. Is that what
he really sounds like?

♪ ♪

This music is terrible!

- Indeed.

The jellyfish's buzzing
must have altered the noise

to be more pleasurable for you.

- Oh!

♪ ♪

- [inhales deeply]

- Stop that racket!

Stop it!

- How dare you interrupt m--

- I have a confession to make.

[feedback whines]

A jellyfish was
obstructing my ears,

so I hadn't truly heard
this fraud's music.

And now that I have,

I am offended!

- Hey!

- To make up for this
abysmal performance,

I would like to invite
you all back to my home

to experience real music

by my newest artiste,
Maestro Patrick Star.

- What?

[cheers and applause]

[musical flatulence]

♪

- [screams, laughs]

- Yay!

♪

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- Huh? Uh...

[groans]

[laid-back music]

Oh.

- Whoo! Go, Squidward!
- Encore! Encore!

- We want more!
- [whistles]

- We want more!
- Do you really mean it?

- Of course.

We've got jellyfish.

- Huh.

I'll take what I can get.

[off-key tune playing]

- Yeah! Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo!

- Come on, Squidward!

[both cheering]

♪ ♪

[haunting music]

♪ ♪

- This just in:
New evidence that

unidentified flying objects
have been secretly visiting

Bikini Bottom for years.

General, what are the
chances that these photos

and videos are just a hoax?

- 99.99999%.

- There you have it--

conclusive proof that
there is a 0.00001% chance

UFOs are real.

- That means there could be
evidence of UFOs anywhere!

- Let's go find some.

- Here, alien.

- Alien! Alien!

[upbeat music]

- Hmm.
- Huh?

[mumbling]

- Uh, huh?

[Patrick laughing]

- [groans] Huh?

[shouts]

[giggling]

- It's the middle of the night!

What are you two idiots doing?

- We found an
alien crop circle!

- It's only a crop circle
because you're

stomping on my begonias!

- Huh?

- Okay.

Yeah, that is us.

- We're hunting space
aliens and UFOs.

- Space aliens and UFOs
do not exist.

Go to sleep!

[laughter]

- [grumbling]

Okay.

You want to see space aliens?

I'll show you space aliens.

[eerie music]

- This could
definitely be a UFO.

♪ ♪

- [exclaims]

A real UFO!

both: First contact!

First contact!

First contact!
- [laughs]

[eerie music]

both: Whoa!

- Intergalactic.

- Spacey.

- Cosmic.

[grunting]

♪ ♪

- We just got hit
by a flying saucer!

- Yeah!
- Yeah! Cool!

- Cool! Yeah!

- [in monotone voice]
Greetings, earthlings.

- A r-r-real space alien.

Greetings, sir.

- [laughs]

It's me, you tinfoil twits.

It was all me.

Space aliens don't exist.

Got it?

- Thank you, Squidward.

We can see now how
silly we really were.

I know.

Let's play superheroes instead.

- Yeah!

At least we know they're real.

[laughing]

- Idiots.

[eerie music]

[ship whirring]

[beeping]

♪ ♪

- At last, evidence of our
ancient aquatic ancestors.

- We must take the artifact
back to the ship.

We'll be rich.

Rich, I say.

[laughing]

- I told you two,
space aliens don't exist.

Go away!

- Oh, no.

The artifact is infested
with a parasite.

- We must eradicate it
before our departure.

- I'm telling you,
it's always something.

[snoring softly]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[can rattling]

- Huh?

Who--who's there?

Ahh!

[screaming]

- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[exhaling]
[sizzling]

- [whimpering]

♪ ♪

- [laughs]

[growls]

- Ah-ha!

[dryer whirring]

- [screams]
- [groaning]

- My holes!

My holes!

Oh, my holes!

[both groaning]

- Thank Neptune
I have my readers.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

Have SpongeBob and Patrick
gone cuckoo?

[growls]

You!

[shouts]

[growls]

SpongeBob and Patrick,
take off those stupid masks!

I know it's you.

- Stop it.

You're hurting me.

- Mayday!
Mayday!

We need backup.

- [groaning]

[glass breaking]

- [laughing]

- Will you two
shut up in there?

I'm trying to get your heads--

off?

♪ ♪

Those nimrods were right.

Aliens are real!

[screams]

[whimpering]

SpongeBob, let me in!

You were right!

Tell Patrick you were right!

- Success.

The vermin has evacuated.

- Let's take the artifact
to our ship

before that horrible stinkbug
comes back.

[ship beeping]

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[whirring]

- [whimpers]

♪ ♪

[rumbling]

- No! Wait! Wait!

Wait, wait, wait!

[whimpering]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

[grunts]

Hmm.

- So I says, I'll show
youa tractor beam.

[laughter]

- All right,
who's in charge here?

I want to speak to the manager.

- Manager?

- [sighs]

[in monotone voice]
Take me to your leader.

- That would be our supervisor.

His office is down this hall.

You just make a left
then a right.

- Don't talk to him.

He is the vermin we eradicated.

- Looks like somebody
failed eradication class.

[laughter]

- Zip it.

I outrank you both.

- I want you to put my home
back where you found it.

- Could you step forward?

I'm hard of hearing.

- Sure.

And another thing.

What's the big idea
of coming to my planet

and taking my house
out of my yard

just because it looked
like your stupid head?

[squelching]

[muffled shouting]

- Talking vermin are
the worst kind.

Am I right?

- Just so it's not
a total loss,

I say we run some tests
and do a probe.

- Hooray!
We're doing a probe!

all: Probe! Probe! Probe!

Probe! Probe! Probe!

Probe! Probe!
- Probe?

- Probe! Probe! Probe!

Probe! Probe!

[ominous music]

[squelching]

- [grunts]

[mechanical clank]

[mechanical whir]

- X-ray.

Despite the large cranium,

the brain seems
below average size.

- Hey!

[heart thumping]

- High blood pressure.

Better watch that temper.

Rotate neck.

[cranking]

♪ ♪

Nose hose.

- [grunts]

[air whooshing]

♪ ♪

Impressive storage space.

Now for the fun part.

[whirring, clanking]

- [inhales]

- Ahh!

[grunting]

[beeps]

- Freedom!

- [horn blasts]

all: Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut.

Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut.

- [whimpering]

[whirring]

[panting]

Huh?

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[heartbeat thumping]

- Daddy.

- [screams]

[whimpering]

Huh?

[dramatic music]

[shouting]

♪

[whirring]

No!

Please don't probe me!

[whirring, clanking]

♪ ♪

Huh?

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

- In this probe,
I will be asking you

embarrassing questions
about your childhood.

- Well, I guess I did have
trouble making friends.

- Then when I was three,
I said, "Mumsy, I told you,

I don't like kelp juice."

And she said, "Well, I don't
like being called Mumsy."

And then--
all: Enough!

[whirs]
[thuds]

[upbeat music]

- Good riddance, vermin.

Keep your dumb, old artifact.

- And you can keep your
mother stories too.

Oy vey!

♪ ♪

- Squidward, if I
didn't know better,

I'd be thinking that was
a real alien spaceship.

- But we do know better,
huh, Squidward?

- I was wrong, okay?

Aliens are real!

I was on their ship, and I was
telling them about my mother,

and--and--and--and--

- We get it, Squidward.

- Aliens don't exist!

- But they do exist.

[grunts]

[sighs] Of course.