06x13 - George Rocks to the Max and Gets Diss-Band-ed

[bunniefuu]

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All right, all right.
We got the chords.

Now let's just work
on the moves, all right?
Okay.

Just like in high school,
man, all right?
All right.

All right, what-tcha, what-tcha,
what-tcha. Strut, strut.

Lizard, lizard,
like that, like that.

Pose. What-tcha.

Nah, nah, George, you're
remembering it all wrong, man.

First, it's lizard, lizard
up here on the neck like that.

Then it's strut, strut
like that, like that.

You have to use
the neck like that.

Then split.
Wow, rock 'n' roll!

Oh. See? Like that.

That's why we did
the pose, man.

But you know
what would be cool?

Is at the end,
we did a little kick

like David Lee roth,
like that. Ay, buey!

Ow, let's take five.

Hey, we still got it.

Yeah, damn straight.
Hey, pull my leg. It's burning.

Guitars and ice packs.

You guys are getting
the band back together.

I'll call everyone
who used to watch you play.

Oh, wait.
I'm already here.

Okay, we don't
need you tonight,

'cause our old drummer
Johnny vamos has a band,

and tonight we're gonna
jam with them at...

The viper room!
The viper room!

* ah

I don't remember a Johnny vamos
in "dos badasses."

Before I met you,
it was "tres badasses."

But Johnny and I had
creative differences.

I was creative, and â¿sabes quã©?
He was different.

That's why they called him
Johnny vamos,

'cause it'd be like that--
"Johnny, vamos."

Yeah, Johnny's doing
pretty good, though.

He's making a living
out of playing music.

Yeah, I wish
I had his life.

I thought
you wanted my life.

No, I really wanted
his life.

I just settled
for wanting yours.

Well, you won't be
saying that after tonight.

Because when Johnny
brings us up to jam,

I'm gonna rock him
off the stage.

I'm gonna be like...

Then I'm gonna be slow
like that, like that--

tender, like that...
And a tear's gonna fall,

then I'm gonna
pick it back up like that.

Then I'm gonna pose like that.

I wanna see you guys play.
Can I come?

Yeah, sure, why not?
Really?

Yeah, in seven years
when you're old enough. Ha!

You know, I just hope
when I'm your age,

I'm not still trying to act
like I'm in high school.

Hey, when you're my age,

you'll still be
in high school.

But you won't
be living here,

because â¿sabes quã©?
When you're 18, you're out,

and that's this many,
right here, like that.

Will you stop making jokes about
kicking him out of the house?

They hurt his feelings.

No, they don't, Angie.
He's a Lopez. He's like me.

He's tough.
Nothing bothers him.

Really?

So I guess
it doesn't bother you

that the drummer
from your high school band

is now
a professional musician

doing what
you always dreamed of.

Ooh.

Well, if it doesn't
bother you

that some of your cheerleader
friends from high school

married rich doctors who like
to communicate and cuddle.

In your face!

* in your face,
they got it in your face *

* they got it
in your face *

* they got it in your face

* you married a factory worker,
he doesn't make any money *

* he's got a real big head,
he's got an alkie mom *

How was the show?

Terrible.
Johnny totally blew us off.

Maybe he didn't see you.

You don't think
he would notice that?

Yeah, he saw me.
He pointed his Mike at me

so that I could sing
with him.

órale, Axel gross.

He wasn't
pointing it at you, man,

he was swinging it at your head
from the bottom.

My guitar!

Max!

The strap fell off. I just
wanted to play it a little.

You know you're not supposed
to touch my guitar.

Now there's a scratch on it.

George, calm down. It's not even
an expensive guitar.

Angie, are you crazy?
This is a vintage les Paul.

It's a los palo.

You got it
at the swap meet.

Yeah, well, it's still
a collector's item.

Only a hundred were made
before they raided the factory

and freed the children.

Stay away from my stuff,

and remember, everything
in this house is my stuff.

Mom!
¿sabes qu�
Don't talk to her.

She's my stuff, too.

George.

You wanna be dropped
and scratched?

I'm protecting you.

You know what?

I'll just go up to my room
and stay in there till I'm 18.

Then I'll move out,

and you'll get
what you always wanted.

Do you hear that? Now do you
believe that when you joke

about kicking him out of
the house he takes it seriously?

Look, I don't want to talk
about Max. He dropped Salma.

Daddy's here.

George, you can't
keep pushing him away.

He'll be out of the house
before you know it,

and you're
gonna miss him.

Angie, I'm not
all sentimental like you.

Really? Remember
when he was a baby

and his first word
was "da-da"?

Oh, no. I know
what you're trying to do,

and it's not gonna work.

How about when he was 4 and he
would take a nap on your chest

while you were watching
the raiders game?

They never lost
while he was on me.

Then there was that Halloween
when he was 8.

We asked what superhero
he wanted to be,

and he said, "my dad."

I miss him already!

Why'd he go away?

He's upstairs wondering
where his dad went.

You know,
it wouldn't hurt you

to be more careful
with Max's feelings.

Actually, you could be
more sensitive with everyone.

Okay. You're right.

I'm gonna be more sensitive.

Starting now, I'm gonna be
sensitive. What-tcha.

I can change like that.
Lookit.

Insensitive--sensitive.
Even the snaps were different.
Oh.

Hey,
I'm outta here, man.

I bent over to pick up
a pretzel off the floor,

and my pants split open.

Yeah, well if your pants
start ripping open,

maybe you should start eating
vegetables off the floor.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize I still had
one left in the chamber.

Man,
are you wearing a thong?

I didn't want crease lines
in the leather.

¿sabes qu� Man,
I'm trying to be sensitive,

and you're wearing a thong.

Put it in reverse
and back the hell outta here.

I don't wanna see
your backstreet boys.

Oh, uh, my keys.

That reminds me--
I have a ham to defrost.

* all my friends

* know the low rider

* the low rider

* is a little higher

Max, buddy!

I got you a surprise.

For what?

Well, you know, you've been
doing a lot better in school.

I just got a "d"
on my geometry test.

I need you to sign it.

Okay, uh...

You went to the dentist.
No cavities, right?

Three.

Did you tie your own shoes?

They're slip-ons.

Okay, good job picking out
shoes you can handle.

I got you a guitar.
No way! Oh, awesome!

And I got you an amp, too,

and I'm gonna
teach you how to play.

Put your finger like that,
and you'll be like that.

You'll be like that,
you'll be like that.

Sweet!

Oh, this'll be fun!
We can all play together.

You know,
when I was a little girl,

daddy used to have his friends
over to practice the congas,

and I played
a mean tambourine.

I can also sing.

* chirri boom, chirri boom,
tamborina *

* chirri boom, chirri boom,
tamborina *

* chirri boom, chirri boom,
tamborina *

* chirri boom, chirri boom--

I can't hear myself sing.

Yeah, I know, but I can.
Crank it up, Max!

What the hell is that?

It's Max. I bought him
a guitar last week.

Jeez. Just hearing that noise
brings back the headaches

from when
you used to play.

You woke up every morning
on the bathroom floor

sweating Tequila
and hugging the toilet.

Those headaches
didn't come from my guitar.

Wow.

He's already better
than you ever were.

I taught him that.

I'm actually spending time
with my son

doing something
we both enjoy.

You wouldn't know
nothing about that.
Cut the crap, George.

I played with you
when you were a little kid.

Oh, yeah.
Those were fun games, mom.

"Shots and ladders"?

"Brandy-land"?

And my favorite--
your version of "clue"--

it's "colonel mustard"
in the bedroom with my mom.

Those are the chords
we were working on last night.

We were like that.

What's that?

Hey, dad, these are my friends
from school.

They asked me
to join their band.

That's awesome, dude!
You've only been playing a week.

They said I could learn
while we practice.

There's a battle of the bands
coming up.

Hey, back in the day,
I was in one of those.

After our song,
we set our instruments on fire.

The crowd went wild.
We won the first round.

What about
the second round?

What second round?
We set our instruments on fire.

We're the reason the curtains
in your auditorium

are flame-retardant.

Dude, Max, we gotta practice.
Yeah, hey, before you guys
get started,

why don't I show you
a trick or two?

Um, Nicky's really good, dad.
I don't think we need any help.

Max, â¿sabesquã©? I was playing
guitar before Nicky was born.

What-tcha.

Yeah, technically okay,
but no emotion.

Nope.

Dad, we really
have to practice.

Yeah, okay, sure.
We'll jam later.

That's awesome, Nicky.
You've gotta teach me that.

Hey, when he can play that
with a flaming curtain

falling down on his head,
then I'll be impressed.

Show-off.
Yeah, how about you?

You have had 25 years to learn
how to be a cool teenager,

and you still can't do it.

That Nicky kid
may know some flashy tricks,

but Max and I
are having a good time,

and I'm gonna be the one
to teach him

how to play the guitar.

Hey, dad, I didn't
wanna say it in there,

but Nicky thinks I should
only jam with him now

because then I won't
pick up any sloppy habits.

You understand, right?

Yeah, of course,
that's--that's a good idea.

Uh, you go back in there, man,
and you rock with Nicky.

Hey, I'm totally cool
with that.
All right.

Huh? I'm cool.

I used to be a superhero.

Testing, one, two.
Check, check.

At the end of the meal,
you pay the check, check.

You got a monster
under your bed?

You better check, check.

If you find a lump
on your huevos,

you better check, check.

What are you doing?

I'm testing the P.A. system
I got for Max and the band.

I know you're upset

that Max didn't want
to play guitar with you,

but maybe you should give him
some space, huh?

Now you want me
to back off?

You told me
to get more involved.

Make up your mind, woman.

You can't play the piano
with both hands at once.

That is how
you play the piano.

Not in rock 'n' roll.

You play with one hand,
and with the other hand

you point out which groupies
you want to come backstage.

No, no, no--that's a dude--
yes, hello.

I'm flattered,

and it's great
you got Max a guitar,

but now he's in a band.

He's got friends.

I think you should let him
come to you now.

Listen,
this is the first thing

that we've ever enjoyed
doing together.

I'm not just gonna let it go.
What's this?

I got you guys the one thing
you don't have--a P.A. system!
Oh, no way!

Awesome.
Of course, you're gonna need
somebody to run the board,

you know, somebody who
understands high end, feedback,

tambiã©n reverbs--
nouns like that.

Well, maybe you can be
our sound guy, dad.

Yes! Okay, Angie,
â¿sabes quã©? You gotta go.

The band and I got a lot
to cover, tambiã©n.

Okay, why don't you guys
run through

your battle of the bands set,
and I'll check your levels?

All right.

One, two, three, four.

Stop! Stop, stop!

You're not gonna get any girls
to throw their panties on stage

playing that song.
They're gonna hear that song,

and they're gonna think you're
already wearing girls' panties.

Like that...
Dad, we like this song.

Okay, you know what, you guys?
You're lucky I'm here, okay?

Let's start from the beginning.
What's the name of the band?

Suspicious package.

Oh, quela,
suspicious package!

Why don't you guys just
call yourselves "the losers"?

Actually, that might work--

replace the "s"
with a backward "z."

Isn't a backward "z"
just an "s"?

Isn't a "z"
just an "n" on its side?

We can do this all day.

Oh, ã³rale.

órale, romper room.
What's this?

This is Laura, Annie,
marnie and Jackie.

They came
to watch us practice.

No, â¿sabes quã©?
No chicks.

Just us, the core guys.

Dad, grandma Benny just came out
of the house in a bikini.

Damn it! Who told her there were
high school boys here?

She's not out here.

What are you doing in there?
"No chicks"?

Trust me, chicks ruin bands.

One minute they're happy
to hear you play,

the next minute
they're changing everything.

Telling you what to wear, what
to play, bossing you around.

That's what
you're doing, dad.

You're the chick
ruining our band.

What are you talking about?
We're doing this together, man.

You need me.

No, we don't need you. We just
need a place to practice,

but you're embarrassing me,
so we'll find someplace else.

That's got you.

Then I'm keeping
the fog machine,

and I'm taking back
the band's name.

That's right--
I'm the only "loser" here.

It's a backwards--see,
you don't get it. It's cool.

Oh, we get it.
You're a loser.

Who are your parents?

Because, â¿sabesquã©?
They didn't raise you right.

What's with all the smoke?

Did a little girl from Kansas
throw water on your mother?

No, it's a fog machine
I got for Max and the band.

Yeah, Angie told me you were
teaching him to play guitar, no?

When my son was 13,

I bought him a camera,
and we took a photography class.

Two weeks later, he was selling
naked pictures of our maid.

Well, it didn't work out
for me and Max, either.

As soon as he got in that band,
he dropped me.

Well, Max is
at a difficult age, you know,

but he wants to be with you,
and he wants to be his own man.

It's the push-pull
of a teenager.

Well, I reached out to him,

and all I got
was a handful of rejection.

And you know
what really sucks, Vic?

That's a great title
for a song,

and I got nobody
to share it with.

Well, George,
if it cheers you up,

"handful of rejection" sounds
more like a trance-techno thing,

and that's not your bag,
daddy.

George, I need
to talk to you about Max.

Don't worry.
I'm gonna give him his space.

The guys kicked him
out of the band.

What happened?
Well, they only wanted him

so they could have
a place to practice.

He really needs you
right now.

Look, I tried to bond with him,
and he pushed me away.

What, so now
he got his feelings hurt,

and what am I supposed to do,
go running to him?

Why would I do that?
Because you're his father

and you're supposed
to love him unconditionally.
No, you see, I'm a Lopez.

I got
all kinds of conditions.

I need respect and support,

and if we get in a fight, I need
you to say "I'm sorry" first.

That's not fair.

And I'm not into people
who are all into fairness.

Now say you're sorry.

George.

No, Angie,
I'm not gonna do it.

Seriously, no,
he's on his own.

Damn it, boy,
get your pinkie down!

Oh, que la.

Come on, man,

you gotta get
that pinkie down.

Thanks.

Hey, good move
quitting the band.

I didn't quit.
They kicked me out.

I know, but that's not
the story you tell at school.

You had artistic differences,

and you left the band
to pursue a solo career.

I suck at guitar.

No, you don't. Hey,
you're way ahead of where I was

when I was your age.
You'll get another band.
You think so?

Hell, yeah! You got
a new guitar, a P.A. system

and someone who will jam
with you whenever you want.

Sorry about what I said.

It's okay, Max.
You know what?

You're my son.

We're gonna
do this together.

That's it?

I thought we were
gonna play together.

We are. I'm-a get
the fog machine, vato.

¿sabes qu�
We're gonna do this,

we're gonna do it right.

If you see your mom coming with
a tambourine, lock this door.

I'll come in
through that window. Ciao!

Strut, strut, strut, strut.

**

One, two, tres, nine.

**