06x09 - George Joins the Neighborhood Wha-tcha and Raises the Vigil-ante

[bunniefuu]

Hey, dad. Grandma.

Whoa, stop.
What do you got there?

Uh, nothing.

Let me see.

That's your mom's
lingerie catalog, cochino.

It's for
my social studies class...

I'm writing a paper

about how women are objectified
in today's culture.

Really?

Can you give me the definition
of the word "objectified"?

I don't know,
but neither do you.

Oh, no, â¿sabesquã©? I do.

Then use it
in a sentence.

Okay, "my son
doesn't know the meaning

of the word 'objectify'."

There, fool.

Put it back.
Put it back!

All right.

I'll see you
in the recycling bin.

What's going on
out there?

Mom said you guys are hosting
a neighborhood watch meeting.

Oh, man!

Look at these people,

eating my food,
drinking my soda.

I don't want
these people in my house.

Oh, and gidwani's here, too.
I hate that guy.

What did he do to you?

I borrowed his generator
during the blackout.

I gave it back to him, but he
keeps saying that I didn't.

Um, didn't you sell a generator
at your garage sale?

Oh.

All right, hey--
even if I did,

it's his fault for not coming
to my garage sale.

I like my neighbors.

If it weren't for them,
I wouldn't have cable...

Bottled water...

Or a cute little kitten.

George, come on.
The meeting started.

Why are we
having it here?

I told you.

We're the neighborhood watch
captains.

Since when?

Since a week ago.

Why do you think

we've been walking
the neighborhood every night,

shining flashlights
into people's yards?

I thought we were looking
for the lost kitten.

Oh!

By the way, I got a pretty good
idea I know where it is.

Come on.
Meow.

Everyone,
this is my husband George.

Where is my generator?

I don't know, okay?

But now that
I'm neighborhood watch captain,

I'll get
to the bottom of it.

Let me describe it
for you.

It is big and red,

and it was
in your garage.

Are you yelling
at a watch captain?

Because I can have your yard
re-zoned as a dog park.

That'll make your barefoot
tai chi an adventure.

You'll be like that.

George.

Last item on the agenda.

Um, I know everyone
with a child is concerned

about whether sexual predators
are living in the neighborhood.

My police contact told me

you can go
onto the Megan's law web site,

and it'll show you
exactly where they live.

See?

Our neighborhood
comes up,

and there are
no sexual offenders nearby.

Whoa, what's that?

That wasn't there yesterday.

"Cris Watson,
sex with a minor...



Well, that's just
up the street.

I saw a moving Van there
last weekend.

All right, there's
no picture on the web site.

Does anybody know
what this guy looks like?

So a sexual predator
just moved into a house

that Max has to walk by
every day on his way to school?

All right, that's it.
I'm neighborhood watch captain.

I say we go confront this guy.
Who's with me?

Oh, wait!
You're overreacting.

There is a better way
to deal with this.

I am gonna send Mr. Watson
a certified letter

to let him know
we are aware of his presence.

And to show him
we mean business,

I say we double
our patrols.

Oh, quela,
double our patrols!

Why don't you just send him
Max's yearbook

with a highlighter?

He can pick out
the one he wants.

Okay, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait.

What's going on?

We just found out a child
molester lives up the street.

I'll get my g*n.

Benny...

You're on probation.
You can't have a g*n.

Relax.
I'm not an idiot.

It's not
registered to me.

Come on, let's go
get this guy.

Wait. I want everyone
to keep in mind--

there are laws.

You can't just run around
like a bunch of vigilantes.

We're not vigilantes.

I'm a neighborhood watch
co-captain,

and I'm making a call
in the field.

What-tcha.

You're all deputized.

Santa-Santa-colita...

We're the law now.
It's on!

Think, think...

About what you are doing.

Are you gonna solve every
problem in the neighborhood

with fear and intimidation?

She's right.

Eventually somebody's
gonna confront us,

so after the molester,
I say we get that kid

who races his mini-bike
up and down the street.

Vamanos!

* all my friends

* know the low rider

I remember when I was little,
these streets were safe.

I could walk to the bar alone
at last call,

help you off the floor and roll
you home in my little red wagon.

Yeah, that was back
when a kid could be a kid.

Here it is.

Molester!
We know what you do.

Hey, man, far out!

What's up, George?

I always knew

there was something creepy
about you, Gutierrez.

We heard cris Watson just
moved in here. That's right.

We know about
your sick little games.

George, what are you
doing here?

It's 1-3-8 elm,
not 1-8-3.

Oh... no.

I'm sorry,
my--my dyslexia.

We just found out there's
a molester in the neighborhood.

We're gonna scare him
outta here. You want in?

But I got brownies
in the oven, man...

But i-i--I'll catch up
with you guys.

Okay, we'll be
across the street.

Yeah, I'll be
right there, man.

Hey, George, that, uh,
generator you sold me, man--

works great, man!

You are a thief!

This guy doesn't know
what he's talking about, man.

He's fried.
Smell his house.

Oh,
that's my brownies.

Come on, everybody.
There's a predator at 8-1-3.



Damn it! Let's get this guy
before he moves again.

- 1-3-8, 1-3-8, 1-3-8, 1-3-8.
- George.

I appeal to everyone
to take a moment--

To calm down
so we don't do anything rash.

Okay, I say after we finish
with the molester,

we take care of
little Mary sunshine here, huh?

Yeah!

Blink if you're being held
against your will.

What's going on?

All right, you just blinked
when you said that,

so I'm kinda confused.
Are you in danger?

We're looking
for cris Watson.

That's me.

You know you're on a web site
as a sex offender?

Yes. I registered
because I just moved here.

I was gonna go house to house
and talk to you all personally,

but since you were
nice enough to form a mob

and come visit me,

I guess now is
as good a time as any.

It was five years ago.

I was a teacher,
and I-I made a huge mistake

with a 15-year-old boy

that I will regret
for the rest of my life.

I served my time
in prison,

and I'm still dealing
with things in therapy. I...

Welcome
to the neighborhood.

Oh, good.
All right,
have a good day, miss.

Bye.
Yeah.

Oh, thanks.

So she seems nice.
¿sabes qu� I liked her.

Wait a minute.

All of a sudden
no one's upset anymore?

It's okay because
she's a woman and he's a boy?

Am I the only one
who finds this disturbing?

Yeah, pretty much.

There he is!

Get him! Get him!

George!

Hey, where'd you guys go?

I thought we were
gonna watch the game.

We found out a molester
moved into the neighborhood,

but it turns out
that it was just a woman.
Oh.

Stop saying
she was just a woman.

She's a criminal,
and she did a horrible thing.

Of course she did.

She was hot, dude.

How can you be okay
with this?

She victimized
a 15-year-old boy.

Hey, some call him a victim,
â¿sabes quã©?

I call him fortunate.

So it would have been okay
if one of your teachers

had done something
inappropriate to you?

As long as it was
miss blanco.

She was fine.

Remember miss blanco?
You 'member. 'Member?

When we used to do math,
I'd be like that.

God, I was
in love with her.

She must be
about 60 now.

I think I'm gonna go
look her up in the phone book.

George, if this
had been a man

and Carmen
still lived at home,

you would be
going crazy right now.

Look, it's different
for guys.

Okay, look--

if the big bad wolf goes after
little red riding hood,

it's bad
and it has to be stopped.

But if mother goose goes after
Jack and the beanstalk,

we know he wants it, too,

so â¿sabes quã©?
It's all good.

That is a complete
double standard.

No, it's one standard for men,
one standard for women.

That's two standards.

A double standard would be
what I just said, but twice.

Well, one thing's for sure--

we're gonna have to warn Max
about this woman,

and if you are not
gonna take it seriously, I will.

Wait. You're just gonna
embarrass him, okay?

I'll talk to him.
I want to be there.

I'm his father, okay?
I will take care of this.

Max.

Have a seat.

Someone just moved
into the neighborhood

that I want
to warn you about, okay?

She's a criminal, and I want you
to stay away from her.

Wow, what'd she do?

She had sex
with a boy your age.

And then she k*lled him?

No!

Look...

Having sex with
an underage boy is a crime.

Is she hot?

Let's just say, I don't think
her last victim suffered.

Anyway, your mom's
worried, okay?

So stay away from her.
Stay away from her.

All right.

You can tell mom
she has nothing to worry about.

Girls my age
aren't even into me.

What's going on there?

Laura Ortiz
wouldn't kiss me,

and the bottle
pointed right at me.

She spun it.

She has to kiss me.
That's the rule!

All right,
take it easy, man. Relax.

Don't get
down on yourself.

Laura Ortiz
is a little girl

who doesn't know
what she's doing.

Yeah, but I don't know
what I'm doing, either.

All right.

Look, I'm gonna
tell you a secret

that will help you
with women.

It's all about
confidence, okay?

Be bold. They love it.

Really?

Yep. Hey, and don't
be afraid to be rejected.

Act like you want them,
and they'll want you.

Does that really work?

Yeah, look,
and if you're like me,

you'll be chasing women
who are way out of your league.

And then one day,
you're gonna run into one

who's having a bad day,

and she's gonna do something
that she regrets.

That's where you come in.

What's with the flyers?

Oh, they're pictures
of the molester.

I passed them out
last week,

but a couple of the parents
were out of town,

so I wanted to make sure
they got one.

Oh. Her mug shot's
way better than mine.

Well, you shouldn't
have resisted arrest.

That taser
made your hair all frizzy.

Hello?

What?!

Are you sure
it was Max?

Oh, man,
I'll be right down.
What is it?

That was Gutierrez. He saw Max
going into Watson's backyard.

The predator? I thought
you warned him about her.

I did.

Hey, Angie,
you wanna take my g*n?

Are you crazy?

It's registered in your name.
You might as well take it.

What the hell
are you doing?

It's not
what it looks like.

Get away from my son.
He came over here
on his own.

He threw a ball
over my fence

and said he had to go
in the backyard to get it.

Then why
was his shirt off?

Because after I let him in,
he took it off and said,

"what happens down the block
stays down the block."

That is ridiculous.

My son would never
do something like that.

You tricked him
into your yard.

Hmm. If I tricked him, then why
did he show me a condom?

Hand it over.

"No glove, no love.
Van buren high. Go, panthers."

It was your idea
to come over here?

Yeah.

What were you
thinking, Max?

You coulda got her
put in jail.

We're really sorry
about this.

Yeah, could you please
just take your son home?

I really don't need
the neighbors thinking

I'm trying to lure
young boys over here.

Oh, hey. What up?

Just practicing my ollies.

Are you trying
to look young for her?

No.

Golly, you don't know
what I do on the weekends.

¿sabes qu�
We grew apart, man.

You got all old, hairy
and had a family.

I stayed all young,
extreme and smooth. What-tcha!

Look, it's not you, okay?

You're a great guy.
Look at me.

Somewhere out there...

Oh, I can't do this.

You just got shot down
by a sex offender.

Make some changes, dude!

Later, bro.

I'll be in my room.

órale, jailbait.

I don't think so.

We need to talk.

I don't wanna talk about this
in front of mom.

Oh, so now you're all shy
in front of older women?

I know that hurt, but I'm trying
to make a point to the boy.

Do you realize how wrong
and stupid that was?

Well, dad told me

I had to be bold
and confident to get a woman.

That's what
you told him?

I was talking
about girls his age.

Come on, let's focus
on the boy.

This isn't time to be
pointing fingers at each other.

Then I found out
how hot the lady was

because I saw
the flyer mom made.

Way to go,
smut peddler.

But you made it seem like
it wasn't that big a deal.

Well, look...

I didn't think it was
until I saw you

coming out of that woman's place
without your shirt on.

It's a double standard,
Max, okay?

It's a huge deal
for a girl or a boy.

I was wrong, and this woulda
messed you up emotionally.

Being with a woman that age
woulda screwed with your head

when you were trying to have
a normal relationship.

Okay. I was wrong. I won't
do it again. Are we done?

Not yet.

Angie, I need
to talk to Max.

The last time
you talked to our son,

he went all chippendales
down the street.

I know what
I'm dealing with now.

Max...

Your brain is at w*r
with another part of your body.

I get it, dad.

No, Max, you don't.

This part of your body
will lie to you.

It'll trick you,

and it'll make you believe

you're in love
with Sonia Garcia

just because
she went to gym class

without a bra
and was running laps.

Dad!

Dad!

Run, Sonia, run through
the high hurdles!

She was like that...
Dad!

You see?

You see what I mean?

You can never
let your guard down.

Here's the bottom line--

this isn't gonna go away.

So wait till you're older

and find somebody
that you really care about.

Is it okay if I care about
anyone I can get?

Are you listening
to me, man?

No! They have to be special.

But what if
I can't find anyone,

and I end up like Ernie?

A thousand things
have to go wrong

before you end up
like Ernie.

All right. Maybe this is
the wrong way to look at it,

but Ernie woulda never
gotten into that woman's house.

What are you
telling him?

No, no, no, you--you--
you missed the middle part

with all the lessons.

All right,
I'll take care of this.

Max, go in
the living room.

I want you to watch this video
from the church called,

"waiting can be wonderful."

We are really gonna
have to stay on top of this.

Well, it can be done. I mean,
I waited till I was 18.

George, please.

You didn't have
any other options.

Yeah, well,
you ended up with me,

so who's the loser?