06x08 - George's Grave Mistake Send Him to a Funeral, Holmes

[bunniefuu]

Mahalo, George.

I went shopping for our trip
to Hawaii today,

and I got
some great stuff.

Check out
my new bathing suit.

Ma-hello.

It's not fair that you guys
are going to Hawaii without me.

I'll tell you what, Max--
if you can spell "Maui,"

you can come with us.

M-o-w-i-e.

Angie?

No.
Sorry, dude, way off.

Max, this trip
isn't a family vacation.

Your father and I need
some alone time

to renew our relationship
and reconnect emotionally.

Look what you did
to our marriage.

Your mom and I have to fly
thousands of miles

to some island just to remember
what we saw in each other.

Yeah, thanks a lot,
home wrecker.

Now I have to reserve
the rental car.

What credit card did you use
to book the hotel?

I didn't use a credit card.
I just made the reservation.

What?! I told you,
you have to put a deposit down,

or they don't hold the room.

Wha... ah-hah!

I'm just messing with you.

You should've seen your face--
you were like that...

I used the gold card.

Don't do that again.
You scared me.

Angie, this is gonna be
the best vacation ever.

Get ready, 'cause every night--
watch out.

Aloha,my love.
Go get ready,

'cause â¿sabes quã©?
I can feel it right now.

Oh, please,
oh, please, oh, please.

One time, one time,
one time, one time.

Yeah, yeah,
alohato you, too.

Hey, this is George Lopez.

I, uh, booked a room
for Saturday,

but I forgot to call in
and hold it with my credit card.

What do you mean,
you gave it away?!

Is that because
i'mchicano,or what?

I'm not calling you a r*cist,
Mr. Gonzalez.

Okay, I'll call you back,
brother.

Viva la raza.
Sã­, se puede.

Who was that?

Oh, just double-checking
with the hotel.

Ooh, what's
the confirmation number?

I wanna write it down,
because you always forget it.

Okay, uh, get ready.
"C" as in Charles, 3-p-o,

dash "r"... uh, 2-d-2.

Honey... come sit down.

What is it?

I have some horrible news.

Daddy, what's wrong?

I just got a call
from your sister.

Uh, I don't know
how to tell you this,

but your mother
passed away this afternoon.

What?no!

She had a heart attack.

Oh, Angie, I'm so sorry.

I have to call my sister.

I'll come with you.

You know, this is crap!

Why can't I go to Hawaii
with you?

I'll leave you guys alone.

Max, we're not going
to Hawaii anymore.

Something bad happened.
Oh, I get it. You don't
wanna hear me complain,

so you say the trip's off,
and then you just sneak out.

Look, I'm sorry, but your
grandma emelina, uh, died today.

Nice try. Does mom know
that's the one you're using?

Because that's sick!

No, man, it's true.
She had a heart attack.

Really?
What if I call her?

You know what?

Call her, and if she picks up,
I wanna talk to her.

* all my friends

* know the low rider

**

I got you some tea, Angie.

Did you get any sleep?

No. I kept waking up
and thinking it was a dream.

It doesn't seem real.

I just talked to my mom
last week.

Yeah, I'll never forget all
the stuff grandma did for me.

She helped me
through rehab...

She bailed me out when
I got caught shoplifting...

She didn't press charges

when I stole her car
and crashed it.

You know,
she was very proud of you.

She kept your mug shot
in her wallet.

I can't believe I'm never
gonna talk to her again.

Uh... I mean,
can I do anything, Angie?

Can I get you some honey
for your tea?

My mom used to put honey
in my tea.

Okay, no honey.

Uh... can I turn on the TV?

Maybe it'll take
your mind off things, huh?

Damn, how can these batteries
be dead? They went so quick!

But... you know, they had
a long and fruitful life...

Just go.

Okay, thank you.

Are Veronica and mom
crying again?

Yeah. Hey, uh...

Don't mention
batteries or honey.

I kinda feel bad
that I haven't cried.

I mean, that's okay,
you know?

Men aren't supposed to cry, Max.
We're supposed to be strong.

You cried
during that penguin movie.

The egg slipped
onto the ice and froze.

I just feel bad
that I don't feel bad.

You know, it's not your fault,
Max. I mean, look,

you really didn't even know
your grandma that well.

You only saw her at holidays.
You never liked her, did you?

Max, don't say that.
Look, when someone passes away,

you're only supposed to say
good things about them.

What good stuff
can you say about grandma?

Okay, um...

When I married your mom...

Emelina was so mad at me that
she threw a glass of wine at me,

and she hit me in the head.

So at the service,
I'm gonna tell people that,

â¿sabes quã©?
She had a hell of an arm.

How are you holding up, Vic?
Oh, not so good.

Emelina and I were just about
to get back together,

and then... she's gone.

Here it comes.

No, no, don't you do it, Vic,
don't you do it.

Man up. Ahem, ahem, ahem.

Oh... man, that was close.

Hi, daddy.

Angie, darling.

I just read through
your mother's will,

and she wants you to take care
of her burial arrangements.

Why me?

Well, you are
the most responsible child.

She probably would have
asked me to handle things

if we'd had
a chance to reconcile,

but fate decided
it was not to be.

Here it comes.

Don't do it, Vic.
Ahem, ahem...

Hi, Angie.

Sorry about emelina.

I brought over some food.

Thank you, Benny.

Oh!

George...

I've decided,

if I'm in charge of
my mom's burial arrangements,

I want her out here.

Of course.

We have three spaces
in our family plot.

I want her next to me.

Oh, um... you know, I...
We can't do that, Angie.

You know, those spots
are for, uh, you know,

me, you and my mother.

Benny...

I feel weird asking this--

no, Angie.
We made a promise to my mom.

That's her spot. She wants to be
right next to me, right, mom?

You can have it
for 50 bucks.

Thank you, Benny.

I promise we will find
a great spot for you,

and--and you, too, daddy.

Oh,
don't worry about me.

When I go,
my death will give life.

I'm donating my body
to science.

Well, I feel sorry
for whoever gets your tongue.

"If the surgery was a success,

why am I talking
with this ridiculous accent?"

We'll have to fly mami
out here.

I have the number
for the funeral home.

I have
to get to the cemetery.

There's no way I can Bury
emelina next to us.

Why? What's the problem?
Mom, I only got two spots.

I gotta get
the spot next to us,

or I'm gonna
break Angie's heart.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!

What were you gonna do
with me when I die?
Pet cemetery.

I already got
your little casket.

Your paws are gonna be
like this.

I told 'em you were
a mexi-doodle.

Hello.

I'm Mary bass,
the sales manager.

What can I do for you?

A couple of years ago
I bought two grave sites,

and now I need one more
right beside them.

The name is George Lopez.

Well, let's see.

Hmm. I'm sorry. Everything
right next to you is taken.

The best I can do is, uh...
Two plots away.

Maybe you can call the people
who are in between us,

and see if they'd be willing
to, you know, like, scoot down?

I'm sorry.

Mr. and Mrs. Tarkesian
have already been buried.

Their scooting days
are over.

Okay, I know you can't be
involved in this

because of ramifications,

but what if my buddy and I
came back tonight

with a backhoe
and replanted them?

We're latinos. It'll look like
we're working overtime.

Mr. Lopez, that's ill*gal.

The only time we disinter
is under a court order.

I didn't want
to have to do this,

but I'm an undercover coroner,
and I suspect foul play.

Dig 'em up, lady!

Dig 'em up!
Dig 'em... up.

That might have been
more convincing

if your friend
wasn't smiling.

Hey, I'm only smiling

because I really love my job
as assistant undercover coroner.

Okay, look,
my wife's mom just died,

and she wants her buried
next to us.

And I screwed up
and only got two plots,

but now I need three together,
all right?

I'll pay whatever it costs.

Oh. Ahem. Just a moment.

You're in luck.

I have three spaces
right here,

and it'll just cost you
for the one additional spot.

Oh, thank you, thank you.
How much is that?

$15,000.



Well, I'm sorry. It's
the only three I have together.

If it were my family,

I wouldn't hesitate
to spend the extra money.

I would hate to have to go
to my wife and tell her

she can't spend the rest
of eternity next to her mom.

You're trying to guilt me.

You don't know
who you're dealing with.

I'm a Lopez.
We're born emotionally detached.

We don't care
about the living.

You think we're gonna
spend money on the dead?

We let the city
take care of it.

"Can you identify this body,
sir?"

"No, I can't."

"Bye, uncle Bobby."

órale, Quincy, let's go.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm really sorry
about your mom, Angie.

Thank you, Ernie.

You doing okay, baby?

Well, I was trying to
put together photos of my mom

for the viewing, but I just
can't look at them right now.

I think I'll, uh,
drop by the cemetery

to see which plot
I want to give her.

Uh, oh, um, you know what?
I'm gonna watch some TV.

Yeah, there's a special on

about the world's
most horrible husbands.

Yeah.

They cheat,
and they're a*usive.

It kinda makes a little lie
seem like nothing, huh?

What was that about?

Uh... okay, Angie,
you're hurting,

so I'm just
gonna tell the truth.

The owners of the cemetery
were in debt,

and they had to sell some land
back to the city.

The bottom line is, um...

That our plots
are now gonna be

under a swimming pool
for deaf kids.

What? That doesn't
make any sense.

Angie, they need
their own pools

because their Marco Polo games
take forever.

They're like this--
"Marco"...

You never bought
three plots, did you?

Angie, let me explain--
did you?

No. I forgot to buy
the third plot.

Where are we supposed
to put my mother?

Angie, listen,
I went to the cemetery,

and the closest spot they had
was two people down.

That's not next to me.

But it's not that far.
I mean, it's like--it's like

from the oven to the table.

Just imagine a nice,
dead Armenian couple, Angie,

right there
where the sink is.

No. You ruined this.

I said I wanted her
next to me.

Wow, she seemed really mad.

Oh, I've never seen her
this upset.

Maybe there's something else
bothering her about her mom.

No, look, I know Angie, man.
I really screwed up this time.

This one's about me.
Well, I'm just saying,

a lot of times
when someone dies suddenly,

all the people
close to them are left

holding a bag
of unexpressed emotions.

What the hell
are you talking about?

All right, check it out.

When my auntcucadied,
my mom seemed okay

until I asked her
for some lemonade.

Then she started beating me
with a wooden spoon.

Palo,palo,
but it turns out,

that when
they were little girls,

they had a lemonade stand,
and my mom stole the money,

so when my aunt died,
my mom felt guilty

because
she never told her.

You might want to ask Angie

if she and her mom
ever had a lemonade stand,

or a paper route or...

Tãºsabes, any other kind
of small business endeavor

that could've led
to an unresolved grievance.

What happened, man,
what happened?

You started talking,
and then I blacked out.

"Unexpressed emotion"?

Estã¡ loco,
"unexpressed emotion"!

Angie...
I don't feel like talking.

Look, I'll go
to a different cemetery

where we can get
three spots together.

It's too late.
No, it's not.

Look, Angie, I'll do
whatever it takes.

I mean,
I'll borrow the money,

whatever it takes
to get this fixed.
No. Drop it. It doesn't matter.

It can't be fixed.
It can never be fixed.

Look, i--

I'm just gonna
go ahead and ask.

Angie, did you and your mom
ever have a... lemonade stand?

What the hell
does that mean?

You know,
maybe you're not mad at me.

Maybe you got a bag
of unexpressed emotions.

I wish
they were unexpressed.

Do you know what I did?

When we were
on the phone last week,

I told her I never forgave her
for cheating on my dad.

I called her a selfish tr*mp.

That...

Is the last thing
I said to my mother.

Oh, baby,
I didn't know that.

Come on. Look, she knew
you loved her, Angie.

One fight
wouldn't change that.

I can never say I'm sorry.

I don't know
how to make this better

now that she's gone.

Well, I'm not gonna lie.
It's gonna be a lot tougher now.

George.
Okay, look, Angie,

do you remember how many times
Carmen said "I hate you" to us?



You counted?

Yeah, it hurt.

Okay, okay, it hurt.

But did you ever believe
for one minute

that--that Carmen
didn't love you?

No.

It's the same thing
with your mom.

It's all in that book she sent
you after she left your dad.

I was so mad at her,
I never even opened it.

I did.

Why would you read a book called
"sins of the mother"?

Well, I didn't mean to.

It fell open after I threw it
at that spider in the bathroom.

You used a book my mom gave me
to k*ll a spider?

k*ll? I wish.

I just got two of its legs,
Angie.

It's still around here
somewhere,

training, getting stronger.

She wrote something
in the front for you.

"I read this and I cried,

"and then I smiled,
because it made me think of us.

"I know you must be
angry with me,

"but no matter
what happens,

"I'm your mother,

and I will
always love you."

Thank you so much
for showing me this.

You feel better?

Yeah.

I just...

I just wish
there was some way

I could show her
how much she meant to me.

You could keep
her memory alive.

You know, Max was asking me
about her yesterday.

I could tell him
all about her life.

There you go.

So...

What are we gonna do
about my mom?

Well, why don't we give
our spots to your parents,

and whichever
one of us dies first

gets taken care of
by the other?

You're gonna dump me off
on the city, aren't you?

Angie,
I would never do that.

"Can you identify this body,
sir?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know her,
but she's beautiful.

Bye, Angie."

Hey, what's that?

It's a scrapbook
of old photos of my mom.

I'm learning
about grandma's life.

This is grandma emelina
in the fourth grade.

Here she is under a tree...

This is great. I feel like
I really know her.

Angie, didn't your mom
keep a diary?

That's right. She wrote a page
for every day of her life,

starting
from when she was 13.

I have it upstairs.

Thanks a lot!
I said I felt bad.

I didn't say I wanted
to take "grandma 101."

Hey, it makes
your mom happy,

and it's a nice way
to honor your grandmother.

Hey, where are you going?
I'm-a go play golf.

I'll be back in five hours.
You should be done by then.

See ya later, sucker!
Got you!