Remake (2025)

[bunniefuu]

I used to call myself a

filmmaker,

a documentary filmmaker.

Although my films

touched on broad issues

like nuclear weapons

proliferation or big tobacco.

What was central

to my films was always

what was happening in my own

life,

often involving my family.

And you, Adrian,

were a big part of that.

Can you cut a piece for me, Dada?

Most of the time when I was

filming scenes like this one,

I didn't really have a purpose

in mind.

But I always did

imagine that someday,

I'd watch some of them with you.

Say, when you were in

your mid-thirties

and had kids of your own.

You ready?

Yes.

You made the little trap

yourself.

You once said

it was like flying a kite

except it was underwater.

Whoa!

How many did we get?

That is a big one.

That's the biggest one

we ever caught.

I think so, it's huge.

Do you think we should

let some crayfish go?

Yeah, I think we should.

Because this big one

might be really angry.

He might be, Adrian.

I filmed you spontaneously,

randomly,

just a few minutes every month

or so

as you were growing up.

But as the years went by,

it added up to quite a bit of

footage.

I got something!

I definitely got something.

Great!

I can probably use that for

bait, Dada.

Maybe.

Hey, it's a little one.

Why do you think

you like fishing so much?

I don't know, I just love...

the deep surprise of the ocean.

You never know what you'll catch.

Adolescent.

And adolescence is going

through...

An adolescent

is going through adolescence.

That's exactly right.

Which is the...

Yeah, that's good?

-Yeah, that's good.

-Yeah, that's good?

Now, as I look back over

that footage from those years,

I found a partial record of what

was happening in our lives then.

What you were up to, and

what I was up to

and how we were both moving

closer

to the day that you would die.

I look at this footage

both to convince myself

that you were alive,

but also, to convince myself

that you're gone.

It's been seven years since you

died.

And I still miss you every day.

This is Adrian with his mom,

Marilyn.

In the film, I called In

Paraguay.

In Paraguay touches on

various subjects,

like the devastation caused by

a series of disastrous wars

initiated by Paraguayan

dictators.

But it mostly dealt with the

complexities of foreign adoption

We were in Paraguay to

adopt our daughter, Mariah.

We need some more dirt.

I mean more...

More bricks.

We ended up being

stuck in limbo in Paraguay

for three months during

the adoption process.

And I found my camera gravitating

more and more towards my son.

This is a restaurant house.

There's even a bed.

One minute.

What would you like to eat?

Do you have any patatas fritas?

Sit down and go over there.

I will be there in a second.

Serve yourself salad, please.

Serve yourself salad.

Mmm, tasty.

Even then, I could see

that this was, for me,

a kind of golden period

of family life and of filming.

Boy, that was good.

Mom, it takes a while to eat

that!

I gulped it. I'm sorry,

I was starving.

I was a pig, eating a pig.

Hey waiter,

my steak is as hard as a rock!

No, it isn't.

I was in love with my wife,

in love with my kids,

and in love with the pleasure

and practice of filming

moments in life that unfolded

before the camera.

In Paraguay premiered at

the Venice Film Festival.

Venice was a great way

to premiere the film.

But as it turned out,

further screenings

were postponed indefinitely

until my wife and I

could come to terms

with putting another chapter

of our family life in public.

It had already taken me years

to finish In Paraguay

And as the years went by,

things at home became

more and more strained.

Marilyn had made it clear that she

preferred not to be filmed anymore.

And with the kids now in their

teens,

that seemed to be more or less

the feeling around the house.

Mariah?

Please may I touch it?

Wait a second, honey.

Tell me what you did.

I did pee-pee.

Did you really?

Yes Did you really?

Upstairs?

Yes Upstairs?

Let me touch it.

Over there?

You can touch it here.

What do you see?

Rainbow.

-Rainbow?

-Rainbow.

Mariah?

What page are you on, sweetheart?

I have to go find out.

Somehow, the so-called golden period

of filming moments from my family life

seemed to be coming to an end.

Adrian, I asked you to keep the

sound down until I finished filming.

It is down.

Don't film me right now.

Dada,

I'm going to make something

for you as a present.

Oh, good.

It's called a "Cooking TV".

What's a Cooking TV?

It's the good kind of TV,

not the bad kind

that makes you stupid.

It's the good kind.

Where do you see the image on it?

Well, the image

is on the paper right here,

But it's sort of like a puppet

show.

And I go behind it and then I

talk.

Then the story comes through.

But I have to write something

on there at the end.

I love you, Dada.

I love you too, honey.

You're so cute, Dada.

Is that going to come on the

film?

Probably Is that going

to come on the film?

Why do you say probably?

Whether I edit it out or not.

-What?

-Whether I edit it out or not.

It depends on whether I

edit it out, cut it out of the film.

I want you to keep it on.

Okay, I'll keep it on.

Okay!

In nearly all my films, my family

life had been the lens through which

I've tried to make sense of

the world around me.

In fact, my mother's

favorite expression was

everything begins and ends

with family.

But although my kids

had loved being filmed

and I had loved filming them,

they'd apparently had enough.

I wasn't sure where to go from

here.

Until I got a phone call.

I have to be quiet though

because my father's asleep

upstairs.

You know, I think he already

has enough questions

about the validity

of my film project without...

seeing me dressed up like this,

talking to my own camera.

Hi Sis.

-Hi!

-Hi Sis.

Where's Dad?

Oh, he's way back there.

The call was from

a Hollywood producer

who was interested in trying to

remake one of my documentaries

as a fiction film.

I made Sherman's March

back in my mid-thirties,

when I was still single

and my family and friends

were starting to become

concerned about my singleness.

Hello, Dede.

Hi, I'm glad to meet you.

-Glad to meet you, too.

-Hi, I'm glad to meet you.

Charleen has to say the least

said a lot about you.

Oh, and about you.

Would you stop? Would you stop?

Don't touch that lens.

I can't help but touch it.

Turn it off!

This is important.

This is not art, this is life!

Alright.

Sherman's March was the film

where I found my footing as a filmmaker

by making the decision to film things

that were happening in my own life.

I come from a family of doctors.

Grandfather, father and brother.

And at first, my way of making

films seemed a little strange to them.

I'll be glad when that big eye

is gone.

But eventually, they got used to

it.

Making Sherman's March

had been an adventure,

a road movie, in which I didn't

know where the road would lead.

But I did manage to meet

a few women along the way.

Now that there was an offer

to remake Sherman's March,

I felt somewhat protective of my

film.

I decided to talk it over with

my sort of trusted advisors,

my brother and sister.

I think it's a wonderful movie,

and I think it deserved

to be on the big screen.

It was on the big screen...

Bigger screen.

-Can a movie b*mb twice?

-Bigger screen.

Tommy, be nice!

I think it's a very bad idea.

Really?

You really think that?

Depends on...

on what he does with it?

Well, that's my concern, too.

Can he make a good film?

But if you have some

kind of control on that

and they say you're going

to be one of the producers,

then maybe it'll work.

Yes, that's a very intelligent

thing my brother just said.

Well, I'm a doctor.

He's a doctor...

-What do you expect?

-He's a doctor...

I'm an animal activist.

I train the wild beast!

Yes, I work with animals.

So how are you going

to control this guy?

So I won't be reading the New

York Times Friday movie review

saying, Ross McElwee

sold his soul.

One star.

One star and a half...

-Maybe.

-One star and a half...

Well, they'll let me have some

input.

They want my input

in constructing the script.

Well, that sounds good.

Yeah, I don't really think

they have a clear idea

as to how they're gonna do it?

I do think if you decide not to

do it,

then you'll always

second-guess yourself.

Well, I'm taking the first step.

What?

I'm taking the first step

we'll see what happens...

I think that's a good idea.

I went to Los Angeles.

A meeting had been set up

for me to talk with Steve Carr,

the director of a string of

commercially successful comedies.

When did you first see

Sherman's March?

The first time it played on PBS

I was living in New York,

and it played on channel thirteen,

which is a New York affiliate for PBS.

Sure.

And I guess I was waiting for

Monty Python's Flying Circus

to come on,

and I stumbled onto it.

And I remember my mom

was watching it, too.

I caught it at the very beginning

and it just unfolded for me.

You think any of it really has

anything to do with your lifestyle?

The way you dress, the way you

live?

And it was a world I hadn't seen

the characters just seem to

one on top of the next

become more and

more interesting to me.

And then as I got caught up in

your likability and the journey.

On February 16th, 1865

Sherman's troops massed here

on the banks of the Congaree River.

I got the opportunity to

see it quite a few times.

And then it always just stuck

with me and I always loved it

and didn't see it for years and

years

but always remember it and

would talk about it with friends.

Then when Jason and I got

together,

I've always had this idea

about the movie

that I thought this could be,

and it always included every bit

of the documentary that I've seen

and that I cherish.

And now the experience

I have of actual filmmaking

and how to tell the story

of a film being made.

I am bored with your singleness.

Well, I've made attempts

at correcting this situation.

Yeah, well, you see, that's the

other thing that's boring, failure.

It is time to get on it.

You have been insufficient

in this quest

and so I have to take over.

I have to.

See now Charleen wants

Amy Adams to play her.

Yeah, she's great.

She's actually on our list.

Is she really?

-Yeah.

-Is she really?

She's actually on our list for...

She's on almost every one of our

lists.

Yeah, yeah She's on

almost every one of our lists.

She's great.

Oh my God, the best.

My son, Adrian, wanted me to

give Steve and his team a crack

at turning my old film

into a work of fiction.

It was kind of a running joke

between us.

He'd say,

I like your documentaries, Dad,

but it's time to make a real movie.

He was becoming

more and more interested in

filmmaking as a possible career.

And it did occur to me that maybe

the remake of Sherman's March

might also open a door for him

to enter the world

of what he called real movies.

Does it look okay

through the viewfinder?

It is what it is, Dad.

Is what it is...

It's a still shot

that you picked out yourself.

I finally agreed to sell the

rights to Sherman's March.

And in turn, I secured the rights

to make a new documentary

about the fictional remake

of my old documentary.

I asked Adrian if he'd like to

film his dad signing the contract.

I'm saying that,

I'm surprised you don't at least

want a slow zoom or something.

Go ahead and do a slow zoom.

Well, let me sign this,

and then you can do a slow zoom.

It's boring to have it running,

that's the kind of shots you can get

when you're filming yourself.

The point of having a cameraman,

is you can actually get...

a more interesting shot.

Okay, take the camera off the

tripod and get a more interesting...

I don't want to take it off the

tripod.

Well, move the tripod. I don't

want to take it off the tripod.

-Well, move the tripod.

-Alright.

That is so peculiar.

I can't believe it. It's so

peculiar.

The irony of Sherman's March

being undertaken by somebody else.

Who is it that made that

decision?

And how can we escape him?

No, I don't want to escape him.

I want him to succeed.

I think, you know, if he can

make a really good independent

fiction film from Sherman's

March,

I'd be elated.

I just don't quite know

how it can be done.

I mean, I'm saying

that I can't be replaced

neither can you.

And it'll be hilarious

for us to see people try.

Charleen Swansea

is one of my oldest friends

I met her in high school when she

was teaching a poetry workshop.

You know, I learned a lesson

from the Ezra Pound debacle,

which is that it didn't f*cking

matter.

I mean, it didn't matter

what Ezra Pound thought.

Charleen has been there for

many of the important moments

in my family life.

Adrian, hi darling!

This baby has got some...

This is such a smart baby!

He's been around a camera a bit.

That's not what makes him smart,

being around a camera

makes you stupid!

This is a smart baby.

So, I'll come in on August the

eighth and if I'm not going to come in

it would be because I'm

on so much medication

that it's really hard

for me to think ahead.

And I hate to do the tests that

you're going to do on memory

when I can't remember my name,

let alone some questions that

you would be asking me.

They're testing...

Old people

about how

accurate their memories are.

But it's part of a scientific,

data-driven study.

It's a long... It even has a

name.

I can't remember the name of it

because I didn't care.

And that's how you remember

something you care about it usually.

Anyway.

What did you ask me?

How is your memory, Charleen?

Speaking of memory.

I don't know it's too

complicated, it's like a beehive.

But do you find that your

short-term memory is holding

together okay as you get older?

No, of course not.

-Oh, boy.

-No, of course not.

I can remember

odd pieces of stories

and things about

things I remember about you.

They just pop up.

I don't know

that's how memory is, it just

it surprises me.

You filming?

Is it filming?

-Yes.

-Is it filming?

Bravo, Bravo!

Bravo, Bravo!

Looking at this now,

you seem as alive as ever...

in a kind of half-life

that now represents you.

I mean, you're alive

here in this footage,

but you're no longer

alive in the real world.

Where's your favorite place

that we've been to Adrian?

What about Munich?

Well, that was nice.

We were only there for one day.

I was?

Munich Film Festival?

That's right, remember?

And that's the place where

the film had a problem.

That's right.

It got all confused because they

put the wrong numbers on the leaders.

What happens when you do that?

Well, people can't tell

which reel comes first.

Because what if you put a two

here and you put a one at the end.

That's what happened.

And it took them a long time to

get the leader straightened up.

The story I thought I was

telling with my filmmaking,

the story of lives lived over

decades.

Is now disjointed.

Confused.

The reels are all out of order.

First, there is a father,

and he has a son, me.

But then it starts all over.

I am now the father.

And I have a son, you.

But something goes awry,

something goes off script.

And then suddenly you're gone.

Did you like the wedding scene?

Yeah, I love that part.

That's your favorite part?

I love when you get married

That's your favorite part?

With Mama.

You think you might want

to get married someday?

With you, Dada and Mama.

Only with Mama or Dada?

Mama and Dada.

Only Mama and Dada.

So yes, you're gone.

Except you're not gone.

Not entirely.

Because I still have all these

moments with you I captured on

film.

Adrian,

I know you think that I should be

working for a Hollywood production.

You can though, that's why...

I don't understand it.

It's like Steve Carr does,

he works on

the moneymakers first.

Then he has time

to do whatever he likes.

Doesn't have to worry about

money.

So you want me to be

more like Steve Carr?

Adrian, I'm trying to do films

my way.

Yeah, but...

No one always gets their way

just like you said to me,

you can't, you know...

you can't just start at the top.

You might have to be

someone's coffee b*tch for a while.

Or file paperwork or run

little errands in a trailer.

For a couple of years before

you even do anything meaningful.

And so plenty of people

do stuff like that.

So I don't see

why you're above that.

But I've done that.

That's how I began my career.

And you've been

successful but I'm saying,

why not just do some

blockbuster hits here?

Oh, Adrian, it's not as if I

can just opt to do a famous...

You've been offered to do

commercials for Jaguar

and you turned them down.

Well, that was years ago,

Adrian. and you turned them down.

Why would you turn

something like that down?

It just doesn't make sense to me.

Because I didn't want

to do TV commercials.

But it's not always about

what you want to do.

You're blessed, it's such a

spoiled attitude to have.

Had to get that out of the way.

Ow, f*ck!

I told you that was my worst

fall.

Yeah, good job Adrian.

I'm done.

I almost hit you in the face.

I'm going to do something big,

and it's not going to be...

It's not going to be from a

degree.

I'm not going to graduate

with a degree in English or film

and do this and that.

I would love to work for HBO,

for example, or an internship for...

Steve Carr and get involved

in that project heavily, and then

maybe they really like me and

they move up one position more

and then one position more.

You know, that's how it

happens I understand that.

But on my own, I think it's

going to be through a book

I've been trying to write.

It's based on my life, my

experiences,

and I've had a lot

of ridiculous experiences.

And weren't you working on a

screenplay based on the novel?

Yeah.

But then again, I also...

I came up with this company,

None Higher, Nonehigher.com

It's up, check it out.

Right now, it's just

basically a music blog.

But my ultimate goal is

to have a line of T-shirts.

Once again, another thing

I'm procrastinating.

At the time, Adrian was pursuing

multiple projects in multiple fields,

but almost all of them seem to

connect back to filmmaking.

What?

Hi.

Hey

Can I watch you?

Yeah, sure.

What?

How old did you say you are?

Me?

Eight years old.

Yeah, my sister's nine.

She is? I'm turning nine.

Really?

Yeah.

So you're in first grade?

What?

You're in first grade then?

No!

I mean, second!

Third?

Oh!

You gotta be careful.

I know. Okay.

I can't really do it but,

you just go like...

When I have all my protection

stuff,

You go like this, like this...

Yeah

Like that, like that.

Yeah

And then I can turn it around

like that.

That's pretty sick.

Yeah.

Like that.

Oh, sorry.

It's okay.

Two, Three.

Alright, cut.

So I went back home,

back to the south.

The people producing the

Sherman's March remake

asked me to record narration

they had written for a sample reel.

It would be composed of actual

shots from Sherman's March.

They've already set me up on

dates with a few nice women,

and I've been looking

at some of my...

Take two

They've already set me up on

dates with a few nice women,

and I've been looking up some

of my ex-girlfriends as well.

I'm holding out hope that

romantic love is still possible

here in the modern South.

A few weeks later,

they sent me

the finished sample reel.

So I went back home,

back to the south.

Leave us alone.

You better leave us alone.

The fiction film as you know of

it...

Steve and his team in Los

Angeles had struck a deal with

a well-known cable

television network.

Rather than a feature film,

the idea would now be to adapt

Sherman's March into a

dramatic television series.

Oh well, TV would be fine.

Gosh, I don't know

where it stands right now.

It started off as a narrative

feature.

It then morphed into a series.

Right, the AMC TV show.

-That's right.

-Right, the AMC TV show.

With Steve directing the pilot...

I was beginning to have my

doubts about the whole project.

I needed to be back in

the world I had filmed.

To remind myself that

my friends were real people

living real lives,

not actors following a script.

Does it look the same?

Oh, I see it. Oh, neat!

As Steve and the network

began talking to writers,

I decided to go back

to North Carolina.

I had learned that my friend,

Philip Osborne,

who had appeared in

Sherman's March, had died.

Tension that up?

Yeah Tension that up?

Now put it back on there

and see what happens.

I bet you it'll work just great.

Yeah

I bet you it'll work just great.

Philip's son, Phil Jr.,

had taken over the family

business.

Philip?

Good to see you,

how you been doing Ross?

I'm okay Philip.

Great, great.

Great to see you, man.

-Good to see you.

-Great to see you, man.

How about that?

There's a fella here in town

that owns this one now.

You never wanted to

drive one around yourself?

I do have some old British cars.

I have an old Bentley

that I drive, so I enjoy it.

You drive a Bentley?

Yeah, I have a 1952 Bentley Mark

VI.

You're doing pretty well.

Well actually, it was

my father's car originally

and I inherited it.

We lost him in October 2010.

And he said that

he was very content.

He was happy with the life

he had lived.

When we come in here,

we say he still lives because

Of the things we've done

together,

the things we used to do,

and the things we have

a lot of great memories of

That's right

Do you remember

taking off my steering wheel?

Well you know, that was

one of the safety features

as they used to say for

keeping your car there.

See you take your

steering wheel off with you.

You take it off with you and

go anywhere you want to go.

Take it on in the house.

That's right.

That way, nobody can

steal your car. That's right.

Philip does a lot of work now

himself.

Oh yeah, I saw him. Philip

does a lot of work now himself.

You only have one son, right?

Right

You only have one son, right?

One son and one daughter.

That's such a shame

about your daughter.

Yeah, it was something...

Sorry to hear about that.

But that's just one of those

things that happen though.

Yeah, I think about that girl,

I miss her too.

I really do.

How did she die, Philip?

She had cancer.

Cancer?

That's bad, bad.

Your mother had cancer, too?

-Yeah, she had cancer also.

-Your mother had cancer, too?

Yeah.

My mother always encouraged

my hopes of becoming

some kind of an artist.

But she died when she was young,

long before I became a filmmaker.

I went to visit my family's

burial plot in Charlotte,

but discovered that my mother's

headstone had mysteriously disappeared.

Oh, there it is.

And obviously, this one

has been quite a while.

You're spinning very slowly,

but you're not gaining any

ground.

This hippie lifestyle just has...

Not a hippie lifestyle!

This hippie lifestyle just has...

It is a hippie lifestyle.

In New York and Boston,

you can get on the subway

and ride to the beach, you know.

And here you have to drive

through five miles of miserable,

swampy, muddy road to

be attacked by mosquitoes

and you get stuck in the

mud for all your trouble

and then you have to walk back.

And you never get to the beach.

And then you have to walk back.

While down South,

I visited another friend

who had appeared

in Sherman's March,

Wini Wood.

When we were making

Sherman's March,

a lot of random moments

got filmed, you know,

from your life here.

And those exist now in a film.

What do they seem like

to you now, 30 years later?

Well,

now, it's odd that the film

is a kind of memory archive for

me.

Yeah. Is a kind of

memory archive for me.

It's you know, I remember

what it felt like being at Genesis

and I remember,

a lot of things I did.

But for me now, looking at the

film,

it's how those memories become,

I mean, they're really activated.

When I watch me milking a cow,

I can feel the sensation

of the cow's utter

I can feel what it's like to

touch and smell a cow.

So it really activates memories.

It functions as memory.

And I can see this as you're

making your other films,

as you're getting older and

trying to retrieve those memories.

Because we become more

acutely interested in memory

as we get older, I guess.

You know, memory is also partly

about connecting the past to the present.

What is this?

This some w*r trash, honey.

I'm trying to remember what

you said that irked me so

because it is so absolutely, totally

the wrong thing to say to a woman.

I don't remember

making movies together.

Really?

I really don't.

What movies would we have?

Well, I made a movie

called Sherman's March.

You were in it, and you were

great

in your role in that film.

People loved it.

I don't remember the...

I don't remember it.

-Really?

-I don't remember it.

You don't remember when

you went with me to

a military bunker near your

house?

I mean, what you say to

a woman is not self-effacing.

I mean, that's not it, that's

not even interesting let alone...

I never met her before.

-I don't care, Ross!

-I never met her before.

I'm trying to tell you.

Postpone a vacation

I'm trying to tell you.

Because I was coming into town.

That's absurd.

Ross, that's what's wrong with

you.

What she wants to hear

what all women want to hear,

what children want to hear,

you've got to be more

passionate, Ross.

Now, if you had said to Dede,

please postpone...

You talk about a passion

being necessary

to have a meaningful life.

I don't care, Ross!

I'm telling you...

It's a scene that resonates,

and I think people have really

appreciated it over the years.

You don't remember that?

No

Not anything about that.

What I remember about

you and I together is not that.

It's um...

I feel like I can make you laugh.

This place is like a tomb.

No it's not, it's like pubic

hair, part the bushes!

Go into the place!

Go with it, Ross. It's not like a

tomb. That's the trouble with you.

You don't know the difference

between sex and death!

Sex and death?

-Sex and death!

-Sex and death?

This is life!

You can't even tell it

when it sits on your face.

You can't tell which it is.

And you also make

viewers, audiences laugh.

And you used to make us

laugh in the classroom.

Classroom? What classroom?

Fred, stand here with me.

I want you to be my lover for a

minute.

I want y'all to imagine that...

You were a teacher, you taught

poetry.

To high school students.

To what?

You taught poetry.

You want to say what you feel

so the people know it

and give it back to you.

Okay, I got to say what I feel

to this man, I'm in love with him

because I got to make him

love me back.

Now I can talk to him

one of two ways.

Fred,

look at me.

I love you, Fred.

Do you remember the

Poetry in the Schools program?

That's how I first met you.

I don't know,

but things just disappear.

They just disappear.

Charleen.

One day, Adrian told his

parents, Ross and Marilyn

that he wanted a baby sister

to play with him at the beach.

It was me?

Yes.

Then one day, they heard

that in a country far away,

called Paraguay...

When my wife and I

decided to separate,

I moved into a sublet

not too far away from the house.

A trial separation

is what the court called it.

My son was in Vermont,

attending college.

His sister stayed at home

with her mom.

And suddenly I was living alone.

My wife and I worried

about the effect

the separation would

have on our children,

but we didn't worry

enough about it

to prevent the separation

from happening.

And then suddenly,

my son was back in Boston,

living with me.

In Vermont, he'd ended up

in a hospital emergency room.

He'd gone to a party and overdosed

on vodka and the drug ecstasy.

His mother and I

had rushed to Burlington.

We'd been through this before.

Adrian had had flare-ups

with alcohol and drugs,

binge drinking, being expelled from

high school for marijuana possession.

We'd sent him to a

wilderness program in Utah

for kids with substance abuse

issues.

And we found therapists and

psychiatrists to try to help him.

But whenever we thought things

were maybe getting a little better,

a new crisis would happen.

Adrian, I'm totally supportive of

you writing, editing, and filming...

I believe between

the internet, filming, writing

and creating a clothing brand,

I would be very well off,

I'd be happy with my life.

Right, but you're undermining

yourself by all of this other behavior.

Like what happened last night, you

know, why do you do those kinds of things?

Why?

-Because I just...

-Why?

I don't know

You're going to hurt yourself

drinking and...

I didn't drink anything last

night.

Well not last night, but...

You did something

with some drugs last night

and you know,

you could really hurt yourself.

Well,

it's always a risk

so is skiing, so it driving...

It's not like I'm sh**ting up

heroin.

No, I'm thankful for that at

least.

Go work on your resumes

and get them in.

I'll go get some ice coffee.

Can you give me a Venti or

whatever it is? The largest one.

Yeah.

Can you get double espresso

shots?

Yeah.

Just want some caffeine, okay?

Okay.

Go cut your toenails at some

point.

I was worried about my son's risky

behavior with drugs and alcohol.

But suddenly, there were issues

of my own to deal with.

After your MRI, the

radiologist called me and said.

I'm calling you about,

Mr. McElwee, your patient.

He goes, Wow, is he

having any symptoms?

He's not having headaches,

he's had no neurologic symptoms.

I said, no, I was just looking

for

pressure.

See, this is what I'm looking at

is putting pressure on his brain

has kind of collapsed

part of the ventricle.

But you can see it here.

You can see how huge it is.

It's a very important part

of the brain that there could be

neurologic consequences as well.

I mean, it's your brain.

Chances are I'm going to survive

it.

That seems.

Almost certainly,

you're not going to die.

We basically go down the

mid line.

To the tumor in that little

opening that I mentioned to you,

and then literally take the

pulp out of the tumor and then

bring in the rind of

the tumor, if you will,

so that we get all the tumor out.

But then we put that dura,

the covering back, stitch it back.

And then we put the bone back in

with little metal plates and screws,

and then we put the skin and scalp

back on, and stitch that back up,

let you heal.

So tell me, Ross,

in your darkest hours

what do you worry about?

Well,

I do worry about something

freakish happening.

And me dying.

And Adrian

having not straightened himself

out.

Right.

I worry a lot about that.

Adrian remains a question mark.

I think he'll be fine,

ultimately.

But I don't want to leave

him now, I really don't.

Right.

I mean, a lot of people

would look at this,

this nice

construction that this

neighbor of mine is making

and just think of it as a flower

box.

I mean, after all,

Spring is coming and

the flowers will still

be in bloom, and,

but I look at it with my surgery

two days away and I think,

it's a coffin.

It's a box.

A coffin for a human being.

But for God's sake,

this is all morbid.

There's a 95% chance of success

with this operation.

So why do I dwell on the 5%?

Why?

I think it's because

there's a 5% chance

I won't see my daughter again.

Mariah continues to be such

a joy, such a sweetheart, and

I would really miss her.

And the 5% chance

that I won't see my son.

It's been difficult

the last two years with Adrian.

He's twenty-one,

he's got all kinds of problems.

But the kid also has

tremendous skills

and abilities and eventually

he'll figure himself out.

So all of that is figuring into

this very complex equation now

as I think about

the next forty-eight hours.

A week after my surgery,

Adrian smuggled a small video

camera into my hospital room.

He said he thought it

would help me recover faster.

I remember being thrilled

to be filming again.

I mean, you'll never know what

you'll get.

The deep surprise of the food

tray...

It meant a lot to me that he

would bring me the camera,

and also that he took charge

of sending out bulletins

to family and friends

to let them know of

my recovery progress.

I was finally allowed

to come home from the hospital.

My wife and I put the divorce on

hold.

During my rehab, I'd learned

that Adrian's psychiatrist

had diagnosed him

with bipolar disorder

and had prescribed lithium to

treat it.

Adrian reluctantly agreed to

go along with the treatment.

A month after my return

from the hospital,

my wife and I decided to

proceed with the divorce.

After twenty-four years of

marriage, suffice it to say,

the breakup was very painful.

And once again, we were both

worried about the effect on our kids,

but not worried enough

to avoid divorce.

We sold the house and began

packing.

Adrian, what are you?

A squid.

Until the movers took away

the TV console,

I'd forgotten that years ago,

we placed a mousetrap behind it.

A few months later,

I had to go to Prague to screen

a retrospective of my films.

A prospect I wasn't looking

forward to

given everything that

was happening back home.

The projectionist was

preoccupied.

I slipped into the projection

booth.

A scene from my wedding

ceremony happened to be playing.

For richer, for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

For richer, for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

To love and to cherish forever.

To love and to cherish forever.

To love and to cherish forever.

I remember feeling

like stopping the projection,

going into the theater and

making an announcement.

We did not stay together

until death do us part.

We're headed for divorce.

This film might have been shot as

a documentary, but now it's fiction.

You think you might want

to get married someday?

With you, Dada and Mama

Only Mama and Dada.

This was very easy to make.

How long did it take you to make

it?

Few days.

And how did you know

what God looked like?

Well, I don't really know.

But this reminds me of God.

It reminds me of God.

I think God looks like this.

Do you think that

God's seen this painting?

Sure.

Well, not inside...

I'll show her or he out the

window.

Open the window, please.

Right there.

This is a mysterious picture of

God.

Now do you want to go camping?

So I put the camera down

and went camping.

But I remember thinking that God

sort of looked like a movie camera here.

Some of the footage I shot with you

as a young child, it's just so beautiful.

And it's because I shot it

with film and not with HD.

I agree and I think that

Going back to being younger

and being filmed

The biggest regret I have

is you not putting me in...

some kind of child ads

I was a child star to some

extent, but...

I think we did you a favor by

not trying to make you a child star.

I think you could've made

me a child star pretty easily

I already was, I was like a

D-list,

Z-list

How do you put up with him?

I don't know

I just wonder if you ever think

about

reversing the roles

sometimes a bit more

Well, here.

Got it?

Yeah.

Okay.

I got it.

Got it?

-I can film.

-Got it?

Okay.

Oooh

Don't drop it.

Where do I need to...

Do you see me?

Yeah!

Okay.

These haven't been sorted out

yet.

I can't see them very well.

They're kind of tiny.

In this camera.

How can I adjust if the

camera's not working very well?

Well, I think you can

see them if you look.

Just move the camera

until you see my hands

holding the shells...

It's right in the middle of

them, yeah!

You know what?

-What?

-You know what?

I think you're interesting.

-Why?

-I think you're interesting.

I'm kind of boring I think.

You're like the man behind the

camera. I'm kind of boring I think.

No one gets to see you enough...

Well they do, I get in front

of the camera now and then.

For let's say, about one

percent of your films.

Well, there's a reason for that.

People don't want to see

a film about me.

They want to see a film

about what I see.

But perhaps...

You could change it.

Perhaps I'll change in the

future?

Maybe.

It's kind of blurry you know

that?

Is it?

Probably the eyepiece

needs to be adjusted.

What?

Why don't we turn it off for now?

Sure.

All you have to do

is press this little button.

Sure that's the right one?

Yup, it's on video right now.

Okay.

You want a three-egg omelet or

two?

Three, please.

So, Adrian.

Yes?

Tell me what you think of your

dad.

I'm taking pretty good care of

you.

You always do but...

this place is not satisfactory.

This is temporary, Adrian.

You complain too much

about temporary housing.

I'm very affected by the

surroundings.

You've been angry at me a lot

about this and that.

But seriously Adrian,

some of the things

that have gone down

over the last couple of years,

have been really...

painful and complicated and

we've made a few mistakes

along the way but...

Just a few?

Huh?

-Just a few?

-Huh?

Well, a few...

Maybe more than a few but,

you've certainly made

a lot of mistakes too.

And sometimes I don't think

you've been willing to admit that.

We've already had that

discussion.

I've been through things that are not

really comprehendible to most people.

Like what?

Things I don't want to talk

about.

I think it may have really

triggered some of the worst,

some of the bad tendencies in

myself...

vices and anxiety.

Well, it was only meant to help

you.

Maybe we made some mistakes.

I think that's putting it

lightly.

Adrian, that's going to fall.

It's not Dad, I live life on the

edge.

See...

Oh!

It could be worse.

Hi.

It's me and Mark on

the phone together.

Hey Ross.

You know, here's the thing, I think

television is so good right now...

The team in Los Angeles called

again.

The Sherman's March television

series was now being reconceived

as a half-hour sitcom.

Almost three years into

development,

I was having even greater

doubts about the project.

What's more, there wasn't

really anything for me to film

for my making-of documentary.

Just a series of meetings that

they'd rather I did not try to film.

I found myself sh**ting random

moments out my window.

But then I was notified that a proposal

I had submitted for a different film,

one that had to be shot in

France had been approved.

The film would be called

Photographic Memory

How old is this map?

Well, it's got to be...

Thirty, thirty-five years, at

least.

Can you imagine going on a

trip like this someday, Adrian?

Wandering and not really

knowing where you're going?

Feel like I've already done that.

You have?

Where did you do it?

Places that I don't really

want to talk about.

Okay...

For the film, I'd be retracing my

steps when I was my son's age.

Back when I was unsure of

what I wanted to do with my life.

While back in the US,

my son is trying to figure out

what he wants to do with his life.

Hello Adrian.

Hi Dad.

Can you see me?

Yeah, I see...

Is that a camera?

There is a camera in the back of

me and the ocean in front of me.

What do you do

with your days, Adrian?

Sometime after this conversation,

Adrian decided to taper

off of his lithium prescription.

He said it had caused

him to gain a lot of weight

and made him feel sluggish.

He felt lithium deprived him

of his creativity, his spark.

Photographic Memory premiered

at The Venice Film Festival.

And since Adrian has appeared

in the film, he came along.

He showed me at least

a first draft of the film.

It was definitely a surprise at

first.

And if it was not my

father, I probably would

I'm not saying press charges,

but I would definitely...

Oh, come on.

I'm making a joke.

But no, it would be a little bit

different

if it had not had that level of

intimacy.

But I think it's worth

saying that if you had really

objected to any of the footage,

I would have taken it out first.

And he obviously has that

integrity.

Had I said, I really don't

feel comfortable with this,

of course, it would not be in

the film.

A lot of people ask,

Were you uncomfortable seeing a

lot of these images on the screen?

And projected,

put into the public light?

The answer is yes.

A lot of it is definitely hard

to see.

In terms of growing up, even

in the past couple of years.

Also compared to as when

I was a younger child, but...

It...

Even if it's pretty brutal,

it does help, uh...

Once again, bring back the

entire theme of the film and

help strengthen it.

Plus now you get to go to film

festivals.

Right. Plus now you

get to go to film festivals.

I'm also very tired.

I want to thank my guests.

Thank you, thank you.

After Venice, we traveled to

other film festivals together.

As usual, Adrian brought

his camera along.

But I also noticed he was

making notes here and there.

I now wonder what he wrote

on that scrap of paper.

This is something he shot after I

went back to my room for the night.

It might have been for a

music video he was making

but I'll never know for sure.

Adrian did have a penchant

for music videos.

Especially those which featured

his appearances at film festivals.

When I eventually came upon this

video

Adrian made at the Venice Film

Festival,

I didn't know exactly how to

take it.

I mean, was a kind of

tongue-in-cheek parody of himself

as a film festival big shot?

Or does it on some level,

actually represent the life

that he wanted for himself?

Not that there's anything

wrong with that per se,

but for Adrian,

it may have been poison.

I now worry that maybe filming

my son

and then letting him travel

with me to film screenings

somehow contributed

to his destabilization.

Maybe gave him a

distorted sense of reality.

And I'm haunted by the comment

a journalist made about the film.

Saying he felt I was

too tough on my son,

too judgmental.

Why do you do

those kinds of things?

Why?

I just...

I don't know...

You're going to hurt yourself

I don't know...

Drinking and...

I didn't drink anything last

night.

Well, not last night but... I

didn't drink anything last night.

You did something with

some drugs last night and

you know, you could

really hurt yourself.

What the journalist did not know

because I didn't explore it in

the film

was the seven years of

sporadic hell and suffering

my son had gone through

due to alcohol and drugs

and his psychiatric issues.

Photographic Memory offers up a

version of a kid who was troubled, but

who would eventually be okay.

I now think it was this version,

a fundamentally false version,

that Adrian ended up embracing

as the true version of himself.

Even after the period covered

in Photographic Memory,

Adrian continued to have

problems,

including minor run-ins

with the Boston police.

I even let him go.

There's a dent on my hood, okay?

And maybe the last straw

for Adrian was that during

the manhunt for the culprits of the

Boston Marathon t*rror1st bombing,

FBI agents questioned him briefly

because someone had sent in

an anonymous tip saying that

Adrian resembled one of the bombers.

The agents quickly realized that he

wasn't the man they were looking for.

But Adrian decided it was

time to get out of Boston.

As he told his friends,

even the FBI has me on their

radar here.

So he took a parcel of internet

domain names he'd accumulated,

and he sold them.

He moved to Colorado

to make a fresh start.

In watching what you'd

film in Colorado,

it was your ski footage

that moved me the most.

I was mesmerized by your shadow

when it floated over the snow.

And when you sneezed,

it was the same sneeze you

made when you were a little kid.

When I saw this footage, it was suddenly

like being able to inhabit your body.

I was reminded of how you

loved getting off the main trail

finding your own way down the

slope.

When you were a little boy and

while we were skiing together,

we'd sometimes stop just

to listen to how quiet it was.

I wonder if that's what

you were doing here.

Shh.

Just listen.

I used to call myself a

filmmaker.

I used to call myself your

father.

I used to call myself a

filmmaker.

I used to call myself your

father.

I used to call myself your

father.

A few years go by,

then I meet Hyun Kim, a

filmmaker from South Korea.

We fall in love.

She moves in with me.

Early in our relationship, she

asked me not to film her face.

Did you commit some kind

of crime I don't know about?

No, it's because I don't

look natural on camera.

I just want to have my private

life.

Just because I'm not a performer

type,

I'm an observer.

You will be a mystery woman

in this film.

I love being mysterious.

Even though she won't let me

film her face,

Hyun is wonderful.

At odd moments, I'm astounded

that we somehow found each other.

My daughter, Mariah,

is getting to know Hyun.

Or a smaller one.

Well, I think that's a good size.

We got pumpkins.

Hyun is making a film about

the effects of the Korean w*r

on three generations of her

family.

In watching it, I'm struck by how

similar our filmmaking styles are.

It's as if we speak the same

language.

How do you feel?

Well, I'm very happy.

I just wish you would let me

film you the way you film me.

No, you refuse?

Not even for...

Not even for a wedding present?

Do you want to hold hands?

Oh, okay.

Are you ready?

-Yes, we are.

-Are you ready?

Okay.

Would you turn and face her

and then repeat after me?

I Ross.

I Ross I Ross.

Take you, Hyun.

-Take you, Hyun.

-Take you, Hyun.

To be my wife.

-To be my wife.

-To be my wife.

And I pledge to you.

-And I pledge to you.

-And I pledge to you.

Justice Lopez's official

title is The Solemnizer.

As if to make official the solemn

exchange of wedding vows.

My friendship,

My support,

My support, My support,

It is probably a little strange

to her and not so solemn

That both Hyun and I are recording

this event with our respective cameras.

I now pronounce you husband and

wife.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, you're welcome.

Enjoy.

We decided not to invite any

friends or family members.

And so, we're married in the

presence of only Justice Lopez.

And the ghosts of former

city council members.

My daughter drops by to fix

dinner for Hyun and me.

So what do you think is going

to happen to you after leave

the program that you're in now?

I'm going to be working.

I'm going to find a job, work, and

then maybe go to another college.

We're going to get another dog.

Dad.

Mariah, come on, let's go.

Hold the other side,

pick the other side up.

Let's go, we're on a journey.

Okay, we're almost good.

I think this is good...

Mariah is growing up and

seems to be doing well.

My main concern continues

to be for my son,

who's now been living

in Colorado for two years.

When we talk by phone, he tells

me he's making progress

on getting his media

business up and running.

He says he's been filming

demo reels for ski clients.

He says he misses us.

The last time I visited Adrian,

he seemed to be doing okay.

But I always leave knowing I'm

probably not seeing the whole picture.

Adrian had told me he'd begun

sh**ting footage for a documentary

with and about his friends

and what their lives were like.

We're making our movie,

and right now we're making it by

talking.

Exactly.

No one can help me.

No doctor can help me.

No friend can help me.

-Not in the end...

-No one can help me except me.

If I can even help me...

You'll get a kick out of looking

at the [remake production] book.

They're thinking of every

part and every possible actor.

I could just be myself but

like...

You know?

You should be your

dad, though. You know?

That would be pretty epic.

I mean, how could they

not cast you as your dad?

Because you're like the same age.

I don't know. because

you're like the same age.

It's because they want like a...

You'd just have to grow a beard.

They want a star who has...

you know, some mainstream-like

sh*t.

Dude, all you have

to do is grow a beard

and you could be your dad so...

We're gonna find it.

Dude, that's f*cking bullshit.

There's a piece of bud on the

ground.

Wait, wait, stop!

What's under this bag?

Ganja.

What is all this?

Is that all weed?

Is this weed?

That's his sh*t...

But the footage Adrian left

behind,

gradually became more

and more about drug use.

And especially his own

struggles with addiction.

So it's Oxy like Roxies?

What made you buy this,

what was in your motive?

It's like candy.

Do you like candy?

No, I actually hate candy.

Listen.

I started off just like you.

I think that...

it's going to be interesting to

document

regarding the American drug

problem and prescription problem...

and myself.

Which is probably the hugest

thing of all

I mean, not cause it's me, but

because...

I mean...

I know you think this is

probably bullshit, but...

One night, we got a call

from a Colorado hospital

saying that Adrian has checked

into a drug detox unit for a week.

When he emerges from detox, he

tells me his film has become about how

drug addiction was wrecking his

life.

And how it ruined his

relationship with his girlfriend.

Who had already been battling

addiction issues of her own.

I've not been in the habit of bringing

my camera when I visited Adrian,

but this time he asked

me to bring it with me.

About three weeks ago,

I came out of a treatment

place called Centennial Peaks.

It's actually not in

Centennial, Colorado but

a little bit outside of Boulder.

And it was only a week long,

it was technically a psych ward.

So there's no shoelaces and...

What do you mean,

there was no shoelaces?

Because they...

Well, now I have some on but,

because they don't want

people to hang themselves

so they take away your shoelaces.

It's pretty common with any

of those type of places, I guess.

I was there to detox or withdraw

from

opiates or specifically,

black tar heroin and

You know, I think it helped a

lot and

I'm trying to move forward from

there.

I was snorting OxyContin.

Not regularly enough where I...

had like experienced really

withdrawals from that before.

But I enjoyed it, you know.

It gave me anxiety

relief and an energy boost

and it was nice.

But, that became really hard to

find and really, really expensive.

And so someone had

basically some powder.

And this kid, Darren,

he called me into his room

and you know, he

offered me a line of it and

you know, I never, I never

really...

planned on trying

heroin, I think most people

would say the same, but

it's basically the same

thing as the OxyContin...

and it is true I mean,

they're all opiates.

They're all basically the same

thing and bind to the receptors.

So...

I just was really sad at the

time and depressed or whatever

and I said, What the hell

and tried that.

And it's not like I just

got hooked after that.

It doesn't work like that.

You know, it's a slow

progression, and where this last...

the last year and a half,

basically

last two years, I really...

started using it daily.

I mean, all day and all night.

It's quite, it's quite nice.

It's a ritual and it's relaxing.

You know, it just...

It's a little euphoric, it's

kind of like a warm blanket.

That's what kind of

the opiate feeling is.

And it gives you some

energy for a while, and...

Yeah,

make you sleep great

and all that type of stuff.

So it seems like

a wonder drug at first.

But then the reason people

start injecting is because...

I feel like most people

would know this, but

as your tolerance builds with it,

it becomes not so cheap.

Because...

You know, I can smoke

through a gram in about

an hour if I wanted to.

Easily or less.

And that's eighty dollars, you

know.

I think there was a way in

which I should have known, or

did know, and yet

didn't want to admit it.

That you were in trouble.

If not with heroin, then with

opiates.

Percocet and OxyContin.

And I feel terrible about that.

I was too distracted.

With my so-called profession and

teaching.

I don't think... you know

It's not my fault,

you know, I'm not saying

this is all my fault, but

it makes me feel terrible.

Well, I feel bad about it too.

What happened with

you and your girlfriend?

I had no idea

that you were doing heroin.

We were completely

dependent on it, so

if we didn't have it for even

ten hours

we were sick as dogs.

It's that quick.

Meaning that you were vomiting?

No

It's called being dope sick.

You start sweating.

And like I said, you're...

You're fairly cold

but you're sweating a lot.

You know, there's all the

ailments.

You can't sleep, restless legs,

you're just miserable,

miserable and more.

And so we would drive,

down 36th all the way to

wherever that technically was...

And you would meet these,

you know, the Mexican dudes,

the cartel, Mexican cartel guys.

And we would,

give them $450 every three days

for about a year.

God...

That's a lot of money.

Yeah, it is.

And you haven't seen her since?

No, the last time I heard

from her was Christmas Day.

I really thought I was

going to marry her and

probably have kids and stuff, so

it's sad, you know, I just...

I don't care about her past she

had some

f*cked up things that her past

and whatnot but I guess

so do I in my own way, so

I can't really judge and I

didn't, so

I thought I treated her really

well.

Introducing her to heroin is

not treating her well, Adrian.

But, I don't mean like...

It's not like what you think.

If I had never used...

black tar heroin out here with

her

or in general

I would still be with her right

now.

But um...

I don't know where she is,

or what's going on...

Four months go by,

Adrian relapses.

He agrees to a five-week stay in a

residential rehab facility outside Denver.

His mother and I are allowed

to visit him for only a few hours

on only one day.

After he finishes his stint in

rehab,

Adrian remains out west

in a series of sober houses.

And he keeps filming.

This is something Adrian filmed

in his apartment in Boulder.

Presumably for the documentary

he's making about his struggles.

He forgot to turn on his

microphone.

Adrian's mother and I decide to

bring him home for Thanksgiving

and try to persuade him to

stay through Christmas.

His little sister will be able to see

him for the first time in two years,

and he'll finally be able to

meet Hyun for the first time.

Off and on over the years, I've

taken my kids to see Handel's Messiah.

In fact, the tradition

began when Adrian

was still a few weeks from being

born.

His mom and I went

when she was pregnant.

And I could place my

hand on her stomach, and

I could feel Adrian

kicking rhythmically.

Now, here we are

twenty-seven years later.

We make an appointment

for Adrian with a psychiatrist

who agrees to prescribe Suboxone,

a drug which inhibits opioid

craving.

Adrian begins taking the

medication.

Adrian seems glad enough to be

back.

I take him to see a movie in the

theater,

something we haven't done in

years.

He fixes a salmon dinner

for Hyun and me.

He visits his mom

and his little sister.

He asks me to film him

performing a vaping trick

he learned in Colorado.

Adrian now says he might decide

to move back to Boston for good.

He's even made a list of apartments

that he's planning to look at.

I'm quietly ecstatic.

Oh, there we go.

Yeah, that's right, like these

little pieces that are too long.

She cuts my hair sometimes.

No, I've never done that.

-Yes, you have.

-No, I've never done that.

You trimmed it.

I think her memory is

better than yours, Dad.

Maybe.

Don't trust me.

Did you ask him if

he wanted a haircut?

Yes, he said yes.

With a pair of...

With a pair of scissors

I can cut your hair.

Cut my hair?

-Yeah.

-Cut my hair?

You think you could do a good

job?

Yeah. You think you

could do a good job?

Cut Dada's hair, Adrian.

No!

A few days after Adrian died,

these flowers arrived sent by

friends.

He had relapsed and overdosed

and died in our bathroom

the day before Christmas.

Because he'd been taking Suboxone

and seemed to be doing so well,

we were stunned.

The medical examiner later told us

that it was fentanyl that had k*lled him.

At the time, I didn't even

know what fentanyl was.

This startled me.

The movement in the screen of

his phone.

It was just my own

reflection but for a moment,

I kind of hallucinated

that it was Adrian

trying to film me through

the shattered glass

as if he were trapped just

beneath the surface.

Adrian scribbled this note and

left it here.

More a kind of note to himself I

think.

The note is hard to read, so

I'll read it.

I constantly live under

a bleak, threatening

feeling of everything being out

of place.

Feeling like there are multiple

versions of myself almost.

The worry, the insecurity,

the discomfort is simply awful.

I believe that at my core,

I am not a pathetic drug addict.

However, I can guarantee you

that anyone living in my head

would turn to any immediate way

out.

The only actual hope of me slowly

trying to move forward would be...

And then something was spilled

here.

I can't really read it.

It goes on.

Amazing memories through

skiing, traveling, and past life.

I so badly want to

experience this side of life.

And then it becomes illegible.

Way up high

And the dreams

that you dare to dream

Oh, why can't I?

What happened?

I think there's someone across the

street who requires lots of medical care.

The night Adrian died,

while I administered CPR,

Hyun had guided the

ambulance down the driveway.

While the police were collecting

information from me,

She had to watch helplessly as the

EMTs continued to try to revive Adrian.

Every time this happens,

I think about Adrian.

Me too.

This piano has been in my

family for several generations.

It's also been in a few of my

films.

It followed me from Charlotte to

Boston.

And since then, it's followed

me every time I've had to move.

And since I can't play it

anymore due to a wrist injury,

it's become a kind of

eight-hundred-pound albatross.

When I had to move

yet again, I finally decided

that I'd had enough

and I would give it away.

But Adrian asked me not to.

And now, Hyun plays it.

Adrian stayed with us

for a month and a half.

He was my nephew's age, but

strangely I felt he was

like my older brother

because he was very

caring and thoughtful.

When you told him you were

going to sell the piano, he said,

No, Dad, don't sell the piano. I'm

going to give it to my kids someday.

He was imagining

his future with his children.

A year after Adrian died,

the DEA Arrests dozens of

dealers, and

charges them with possession of

fentanyl.

It occurs to me,

though the chances are slim,

that one of the men being arraigned

could've actually had his hands on

a packet of fentanyl

that was sold to my son.

Filming isn't allowed in the

courtroom

and I'm only able to get one shot

off before the arraignment begins.

But as I watch the defendants

come before the judge

one after the other,

I find myself wondering,

is he the one

who sold fentanyl to my son?

As time goes by, I still have no

idea what to do with the anger I feel

about losing Adrian.

Anger at China for exporting

illicit fentanyl.

Anger at the Mexican cartels

that distributed it.

Anger at the FDA for not

regulating OxyContin,

which is how the whole opioid

epidemic began.

Anger at my son for letting himself

get sucked into this maelstrom.

Anger at myself for not recognizing

how serious his psychological issues were,

and anger at myself for not

having checked his bedroom

the night he died.

I only filmed three brief shots

of you

during the month and a

half that you stayed with us.

Filmed them casually.

Now that you're gone, sometimes

these shots seem like a treasure.

But other times they opened

up a black hole for me.

For a year after you died,

maybe longer,

I had no desire to pick up a

camera.

I no longer knew what it meant

to try to be a filmmaker.

I could only keep watching

things you had filmed.

And as I did, I began seeing

the world through your eyes.

And so I watch, and I watch.

I watched the footage you shot,

the footage I shot.

I keep watching.

But my fear now is that by looking

at this footage over and over again,

things will slowly start

shifting into making you seem

like a fictional character.

Someone who never existed

except on film.

The option rights

for the various versions

of the Sherman's March

remake have lapsed.

No one had been able to figure

out a satisfactory way to pull it off.

Then one day I receive a proposal

for an entirely different

approach to an adaptation.

Yes, much better.

Again, we want to keep this

drama right at one-thirty-four.

What are you saying there?

You're asking him a question.

How can you be a filmmaker?

Asking him that question.

All right, mean that question.

So glad to see you

You look right at him

So glad to see you

You look right at him

for the first time

Hello Dede

I'm glad to meet you

Glad to meet you, too

Charleen has, to say the least

said a lot about you

Oh, and about you

Would you stop, would you stop?

Don't touch the lens

Turn it off! This is important

This is not art, this is life!

Ross, that's what's

wrong with you

You've got to be more passionate

How can you be a filmmaker

if you don't have passion?

I have plenty of passion

I don't even know her

That doesn't matter

I don't know anything about her

What matters is

the quality of your passion

So what that you don't know her!

That's not relevant.

So what that you don't know her

That's not relevant

I can't help but wonder what

you'd say about all this Adrian.

And if you were

helping me film this,

would you have advised

repositioning the camera?

Maybe, doing a few slow zooms?

I wonder what you would have

said.

That's a good shot.

You were so passionate, Adrian.

You were passionate

about everything.

Life is just...

so extraordinary in every way.

Everything I see is a surprise.

Look at the wall.

Those are just people that I

used to know and still think of,

and most of them are dead.

But I still think about them

and their brains.

I think about their brains still.

My father's up there on the wall.

My mother's up there on the wall.

My brothers and sisters

are up there by the wall.

All my kids are on the wall.

And they come over to

my house all the time.

And we have a

rip-roaring good time.

Family is everything, I think.

The only person who's

not still together in our family

is you.

And I think you're

just amazing how you can

make something out of nothing.

That thing that I'm looking down

into

is the ugliest thing I ever saw.

I mean, it's an ugly

piece of equipment to me.

There's no beauty in it to me

because I don't understand it.

It looks at me and

I can't see myself in it

and therefore, it's doubly ugly.

It's just a piece of equipment

that you've got to hold all the time

and look at me with a grin,

I can't see anything but you

and I don't like this equipment.

Tell me about the dream

you had, Adrian.

We went to this lake.

It was a cool,

it was a beautiful, big lake

and we got in a submarine,

I looked through the window

And I saw...

We started diving and...

I saw a giant squid,

so three-dimensional

I thought it was real.

It was amazing.

Were you scared?

No, not at first.

And then we went down a tunnel.

So it was very claustrophobic.

And I screamed,

We're losing air!

And then...

I screamed, We're losing air!

in real life.

Like not in the dream.

But I screamed it,

like really screamed it.

And then I woke up.

I'm so relieved to be alive.

Somehow, as a kid,

you became obsessed

with giant squids.

When you were nine,

you wrote a poem about giant

squids.

The poem goes like this:

When squids feed,

there is love in the lead.

But when squids dive,

love is just a try.

In some ways, the poem

doesn't really make sense.

But in other ways it does,

at least for me.

I hope you knew, Adrian

that no matter

how deep you dived,

I never stopped loving you.