01x08 - Westerham

[bunniefuu]

Okay, just a sec.

Here, let me show you a better angle.

Oh, did you finally get an OnlyFans?

Good for you.

I'll send you my top 20 paypigs.

And if you're gonna show hole,

you want your laptop
on the ground, facing up.

It makes your hole look taller.

Yes, Mom...

...this is a better angle of my kitchen.

Hm?

What's that?

Is someone else there?

They're just people. They can't hurt us.

Look who it is.

- Mom. Dad.
- Hi, Mom.

I think they're frozen.

No, just unhappy.

Quick, say something
about Taiwanese sovereignty.

I was just telling Mom and Dad that
you're the head of design at your company,

and that you got a new office job.

Well, you know me.

I love to work.

Business meetings, stocks, briefcases,

NASDOG, things of that nature.

Isn't it great
how all three of your children

are succeeding in New York?

One succeeding, two also around.

You know what? I'll take it.

We have to go prune the ginkgo.
It's at peak fertility.

Very stinky. Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Love you.

They're calling back.

Sorry, we got cut off.

I meant to say something
we don't say enough.

You look fat.

Andrew is "head of design"?
Eunice has an office job?

Why are you acting all nice?

I am not being nice.

Those things are all true.

I just want them
to be happy for you like I am.

They're not happy for us,
'cause they're never happy for us

because you have always been the favorite.

Parents don't have favorites.

They used to take us to Legal Sea Foods
to watch you eat lobster.

We were only allowed
to have oyster crackers.

If you wanted to eat,
you should've gotten better grades.

It's like Mom and Dad said,
"B+, be hungry."

Hungry? Are you having
a pregnancy craving, my love?

I've been having sympathy cravings myself.

I must say, it's a walk in the park
compared to the lactation.

Why is Warren here? Why is he talking?

He's house-sitting for me.
Did you get my plant-watering schedule?

Yes. I have noticed it leaves me
but 30 minutes for sleep.

- Do you want to do it or not?
- Wait, where are you going?

Well, I was thinking we could go home
to Westerham this weekend.

Ugh! Why can't Mom and Dad just come here?

The only reason to go
to Massachusetts is for college

or to see the birthplace
of Hilaria Baldwin.

We literally go back every year
for Christmas.

Yes, and we don't stay more than 24 hours

because on day two,
Mom tries to secretly weigh us.

Okay, fine, I need you
to come back with me

because I'm gonna tell them I'm pregnant,
and I can't do it alone.

Ruthie, we already went over this.
You can't tell Mom and Dad.

You can never tell them.

Just do what Liberace did.

Raise the child as your lover,
then adopt him once he becomes an adult.

It's gonna be fine
because I picked the perfect time.

Mom's Chinese dance recital.

Big celebration.
Everyone will be in a great mood.

So who's gonna care about a little
marital affair-slash-unplanned pregnancy?

Just look at me. I got over it.

Yes, there were a few days of crying
and some regrettable voicemails.

But after that, more crying.

But after that, acceptance.

Seriously, guys,
I can't do this without you.

This is going to be hard for me,
and I need you to have my back.

Fine, we'll go.

But only because I want to go through
our old yearbooks and see who's in jail.

Ugh! Gross.

- I can't believe we didn't fly.
- Yeah, I know.

Massachusetts is disgusting.

- Hey!
- Oh.

Are you late to your shift
at Cumberland Farms?

- f*cking New Yorkers.
- We are from here.

Yeah, and I got sole custody of my kids.

Get real.

Westerham is the worst.

Everyone here is so Irish and so angry.

That's not true.
Some of them are Portuguese and angry.

You guys are crazy.

This was a perfectly nice place
to grow up.

Move ya cah! It's almost tip-off.

The C's are starting
an all-white lineup tonight.

Up yours! Larry Bird's not walking
through that door, you jerk-off.

Andrew, what was that?

I don't know. It just came out of me.

It's gonna be okay.

Just remember,
that part of you is dead now.

- But what if it isn't?
- It is.

You just need something to eat.
Let's get you a crullah at Dunkin'.

I'm sorry. A cruller at Dunking.

- Baba, Mama, hao.
- Mom, Dad.

- Hello.
- Hi, Mom.

Cool door. Love how, uh... brown it is.

Smells great. You guys cooking something?

No, it just smells like that.
Where is Warren?

Oh, right.
Well, he couldn't be here because...

he got sick.

Yep, super sick with a really bad cough.

Has he been using the air fryer indoors?

Where else would he use it?

Very bad for air quality.
Only use air fryers outside.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, that was it.

Oh, I almost forgot.
I... I mean, we brought you a gift.

Aiya. Ruthie, this is very thoughtful.

Before I forget,
did you see this news article?

Very big baby born in Indianapolis.

Fourteen pounds.

I need you and Eunice
to go through this box of your old stuff.

Otherwise, we're going to burn it.

Don't you mean donate?

You think someone will want this?

No, we burn.

Check it out. Jackpot! My old Tamagotchis.

k*ll us.

We live in our own filth.

k*ll us now.

What happened to my room?

We converted it last summer.

Daddy needed a grow-house
for his Chinese herbs.

Fungus too. Damp and dark is best.

But Andrew and Eunice's room is the same.

We always assumed
they'd eventually have to move back home.

Yeah! Suck it, Ruthie!

You know that's not something
to be proud of, right?

And don't worry.
We've kept all your stuff very safe.

How come you don't
have any pictures of us?

That's not true.
You and your brother are right here.

Okay, that's from when I had frosted tips,

so this is actually a nice thing you did.

That's how I'm choosing
to feel about this.

And look what we found in the attic.

Your old erhu.

You loved playing it so much as a child.
Will you play for me?

Right now?

It's been 20 years.
I'm probably a little rusty.

Nonsense!

This is why I made you practice


Yeah, I read that book, and turns out
it's 10,000 hours over your whole life.

Ha! Maybe for white kids with Game Boys.

Go on, play. Make your mother happy.

Ah, yes, the haunting sounds
of a Chinese graveyard.

Perfect!

As always.

You know, they actually
used to be able to do that.

They just don't teach it anymore.

Teach what? How to fly?

No, not fly.

Just kind of zoom around a little.

That's flying.
You're saying you could fly.

Well, not us,
but we knew people who could.

- Who?
- They're Chinese.

You wouldn't know them.

- Is it just me, or is it so hot in here?
- Well, that's because you're wearing Uggs.

Huh, I guess I must have
found them in my closet.

Hey, is that my Bruins jersey?

Uh... No. This one's mine.

Oh, right. Mine still has bloodstains
from when I stabbed that Canucks fan.

Hey, I'll trade you a sip of my Dunkies
for a bite of your lobster roll.

Psst! You two.

Are you gonna tell them?

Mom and Dad have been total dicks to us
since we got here.

I'm gonna do it soon.

Mom's in a great mood
because of the recital.

Dad's emotionally vulnerable because
Chow Yun-Fat is about to get poisoned.

No! Not again!

I made dessert.

You just cut up an orange.

Or you can have red bean paste
in lukewarm water.

Mmm! Orange slices.

Mom, Dad,

I have something I need to tell you.

Andrew was almost fired from his job.
His new position is a huge demotion.

And Eunice's new job is unpaid.

The way she makes money
is selling photos of her feet.

I didn't want to lie to you,
but they made me.

- Is this true?
- It's not just my feet.

It's feet and various baked goods.
I'm not a pervert.

What the hell, Ruthie?

You didn't have to
throw us under the bus like that.

Yeah. What happened to,
"I can't do this without you guys"?

What happened to,
"I need you to have my back"?

What happened to Clive Owen's film career?

I know that's off-topic,
but he was great in Closer.

I messed up, and I panicked.

But I'm going to tell them.
I promise. I just need more time.

More time? Since we left New York,
a new Sleep No More opened

where they can beat you up.

This is hard for me, okay?

I like being the favorite.

Imagine your whole life you're Joe Jonas,

and then you wake up one day
and you're... Kevin.

Okay, but that means I'm Nick.

Andrew, you want some ginseng
in your coffee? Good for memory.

Um, sure.

Great. Maybe you will remember
when you were the co-founder of a company.

Mom doesn't want me
to talk to you, but look.

Um, it's an article
about how to trap live birds?

Very useful. You want the link?

Ruthie, other children,
time to go to the salon.

I need to get my hair done
for the dance recital,

and Eunice can get a pedicure.

Wait, really?

Yes, so you can sell pictures
of your feet for men to have sex with.

They have sex with the bread, Mom! God!

- How many?
- Two. And hurry up!

Mom, I don't want my hair done.

And you don't have to yell
at the hairstylists.

Oh, please.
They like it when you degrade them.

Okay, what color would you like?

We have "black," "jet black,"

"charcoal," "midnight,"

"squid ink linguini,"

"badly done microblading,"

and "Oops! All-purple toner."

No, thank you,
I will stay with my usual color.

"Black, but in direct sunlight,
red for some reason."

Take a seat.

Look who it is. Is that Ruthie?

She came all the way from New York
to watch us perform.

Aunt Joanie, Aunt Grace.

Ayi hao.

Hello!

Ruthie, how do you want your hair done?

Maybe the way you wore it when you were
on CNN, when you were defending Amazon?

Ah, I was defending ExxonMobil
against the Amazon.

That river had to pay up big-time.

Ruthie, you met Anderson Shephard?

Wolf Blizzard.

I love him.

He looks like when children
wear old-age makeup for a play.

And, Vivian,
how are your other children doing?

So great.

Andrew has his fashion company,
Eunice has an office job.

But Ruthie, she is my little star.

Of course she is.

A high-powered lawyer,
Harvard degree and a handsome husband.

From England. The original one.

Right. Yeah, that's me.

The star.

Mom, come on.

You're embarrassing me.

I just don't know what I'd do without you.

Your success gives my life purpose.

And we all know that without purpose,
old people die sad and alone.

- Well, I'm not perfect.
- Ah!

But I am rich!

Hey, how are you?
You guys got NESN? Game's on.

No. TV is for Chinese kids
singing competition only.

Come on, lady! Top of the seventh,
Sox are down six, but we're coming back.

Turn over the clickah now or your head's
gonna meet this bottle of Sam's Summah!

People these days.

Please rise
for the Boston national anthem.

Bernie & Phyl's

Quality, comfort and price

That's nice

Please give my daughter a full perm.

Every treatment you have.

I want to hear the follicles crunch.

No, thanks, Mom.

I can't have chemicals
in my hair right now

because I'm thinking of donating it

to one of those charities
for women with bad hair.

Ruthie, I think we need
to talk about something.

Something you have been hiding.

Oh?

Your erhu playing is still so good!

So I want you to play
for the recital tomorrow.

Oh! Thank you, but I don't think I can.

I told my friends you would do it,
so you will.

Okay,

sure.

I'll do it.

Cannot wait to hear her play!

Squid ink linguini is not her color.

Ah, bubblah's on the fritz. Bubblah?

Bubbler? Water fountain.
We've been in Boston too long.

Wicked long.

No, Eunice,

Wicked is a musical,
not a word that means "very."

We're regressing. This is your fault!

Andrew, Eunice, stop talking to Ruthie
about your g*y problems.

Ruthie, we are ready
to rehearse when you are.

Ruthie, are you crying?

Oh no, you're thinking of the time
Michelle Kwan lost to Tara Lipinski again.

No, it's just, uh...

just love seeing Mom dance so beautifully.

Oh, good.

I wasn't thinking of Michelle Kwan either.

I hear she's doing great.

Sean McMurphy.

Five to ten years, auto theft.

- Rob Shaughnessy.
- January 6th.

Ooh, Tim Collins.

Also January 6th.

Oh, wait, no,
he ran over a mailman on January 6th.

You are going back to New York.
I bought two bus tickets.

You leave tomorrow morning.

You don't want us at the recital?

I will send you a file of the recording.

It's three hours long and will be filmed
from as far away as possible.

- I think they can come, right?
- No!

Chairs are too small for their wide butts.

Ruthie, don't you have
something else to say to Mom?

- What is she talking about?
- I don't know.

Eunice says made-up stuff all the time,

like "gyatt" or "rizz"
or "neurodivergent."

I need to relax.

If anyone needs me, I will be
at the massage chair at Brookstone.

Okay, when are you finally
gonna come clean?

Mom's been calling me a stupid l*sbian.

Joke's on her, though,
'cause that's actually my type.

I know I said I would tell them,
but then I had a better idea.

What if I didn't?

Ruthie, that was the whole point
in us coming here.

Look, I get it.

Mom is not gonna react well.

But if you tell her,
I promise she will eventually get over it.

I just can't do it, okay?
I'm not like you guys.

You are, though.

Ever since you moved to New York,
you've gotten so much cooler.

You even stopped writing "get a real job"
on the tip line at restaurants.

Maybe that's the problem.
There's a reason I'm the favorite.

Have you ever considered that Mom and Dad
are always disappointed in you

because your lives
are actually disappointing?

What?

I'm just saying, you kind of
bring it on yourselves, you know?

In every family there is a screwup,
and you are the screwups.

And you are a coward.

You're 39, and you still do everything
for your parents.

Maybe I am, but look where it's gotten me.

I am rich, I am successful,

and Mom says if I ace the practice SAT
she's making me take tonight,

I get a bathroom scale
that yells at you in Mandarin.

Shall I?

Do it.

Whoops, hang on.

That's for work.

Well, I guess this is "Joan Chen."

Are you trying to say goodbye?
That's zai jian.

That's what I said.

- Ow!
- Fan tuan is for good children.

You get a bag of old batteries.

Some work. Some don't.

Huh. I wonder who that could be.

Probably the Jehovah's Witnesses again.

We are not interested!
Everyone here is Jewish!

Baruch atah Adonai!

No, no, it's me.

Eunice said Ruthie wasn't feeling well.
First trimester problems, I suppose.

From her pregnancy.

The one that arose from the affair
she had with her co-worker Peter,

whose strapping spunk
slashed its way to immediate implantation.

Oh, come off it! The pregnancy!

Which effectively ended our admittedly
sexless and unhappy marriage.

That pregnancy!

Ruthie!

Ruthie!

Mom, it's okay.

Lots of people raise kids
on their own now, like Andy Cohen.

Well, was Andy Cohen's baby

the result of an affair
with a married man?

Oh my God, was it?

Ugh, you guys have to tell me
when you're doing metaphors.

Look, I know this isn't
what you expected, but it'll be okay.

And rest assured,
I will be around all the time.

- No, you won't.
- No, I won't!

- Yes, he will.
- Yes, I will!

You are going to move back in with Warren.

You will live as a married couple
and raise the child together.

No, we're not, Mom.
We're getting a divorce.

You did not have an affair.

You love your husband Warren,
who is the father of your child.

You will play the erhu tonight
at the recital,

and you will speak of this to no one.

Understand?

Okay, while everyone's mad,

I just wanna throw out there that I'm bi.

Andrew, Eunice,
get dressed for the recital.

But you said you didn't want us there.

Why would I say that?

My favorite children
should be in the audience.

- Favorite?
- You two are in first place.

Ruthie is in last.

All parents rank their children.
Any that say they don't are lying.

Is this really happening?

We really are the favorites.

Ruthie, in the words
of Boston's greatest poets,

"How do you like them apples?"

You know you can just take video
on your phone, right?

Twenty dollars on eBay.

Hello, everyone,

and welcome to our Chinese dance recital.

At this time, we ask
that you silence all cell phones,

or ask your grandkids
to silence them for you,

even though the menus are in Mandarin
and they can't read them.

Such a shame.

I am so happy because tonight my husband
and my two accomplished children,

Andrew and Eunice, are here.

My daughter Ruthie is also here.

And her husband Warren will be joining us
with his adult male a cappella group.

Hello, everyone.
We are the Testostertones.

Feel free to clap
on the ones and the threes.

And one piece of exciting news.

Ruthie and Warren...

Oh God, please don't.

...are expecting a baby together!

Oh, no. We have to do something.

But even if we k*ll
all the Testostertones,

the art of adult a cappella will live on.

No, I mean about Ruthie.
Mom's being horrible to her.

So what? Mom has been mean to us
for our entire lives.

All this is happening because of us.

If we don't do something,
Ruthie is gonna have to live with Warren

for the rest of her life.

And yes, we do take requests.

Get off the stage.

Okay.

Yeah, we gotta do something.

Yankees suck! Yankees suck! Yankees suck!

En-luh! En-san!

What are you doing?

Something we should have done
a long time ago.

See a gynecologist!

- Be ourselves!
- Be ourselves, yeah!

Everything our mom says about us is a lie.

We're not some perfect family.

I lost my job earlier this year.

And I make money from feet pics.

I take antianxiety medication.

And I did chemo recreationally.

I told them it was my birthday
at the Cheesecake Factory,

but my birthday was the next week.

And I joined !sis on accident.

You can't boo us.

You're at a Chinese dance recital
in suburban Boston.

Boo yourselves!

That's right, everyone. We're screwups.

And we lied about it because
we were sick of living in the shadow

of our perfect sister Ruthie.

Actually, I have something to say.

I, too, am a, uh...

screwup.

I am pregnant, but...

Warren and I are getting a divorce.

I cheated on him, and the baby isn't his.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Now, to be fair, it's not her fault.

The doctor said my sperm sample was,
quote, "mostly dust."

Vivian, we have heard enough!

Your children are a disgrace.

Come on, ladies.

Huh.

I can't believe you guys did that for me.
You were finally the favorites.

We knew you couldn't handle
Mom and Dad being mad at you.

But they've been
disappointed in us for years.

- What's a few more?
- I am never telling them the truth again.

Yeah, lying is a lot easier.

One time, Dad found my vibrator,
so I told him it was a curling iron.

Eunice, that was a curling iron.

That explains why my pubes
always had messy beach waves.

Is this gonna be forever?

Andrew, when you came out to them,
how long did it take them to--

Stop being assholes?

It just takes time.

What happens is, they're not
gonna talk to you for a few months,

and you'll think they really are serious
about cutting you off.

You'll try calling them a bunch at first,
and they'll send you to voicemail.

You've reached the voicemail box of--

Ruthie,
I can't get this new phone to work--

Then, out of the blue,

they're gonna text you
with the saddest thing you've ever heard

about someone
you went to high school with.

Remember Karen who threw up that one time?

Not really.

She died in a helicopter accident.

What do you want for Christmas?
Little Bible?

The next thing that'll happen
is they'll finally call,

but only to talk about some bad weather


Andrew, are you okay?

What? Yeah, why wouldn't I be okay?

There was a tornado in Ohio.

Yeah, I don't live near Ohio.

It was in eastern Ohio,
very close to New York.

Fill up the bathtub.

But what if there is no tornado?

What if it's a sunny day,
and they never call?

There's always going to be bad weather.
Climate change is real.

I could direct you to several scientists
my firm paid to say the opposite,

but... ...thank you.

The point is,
they will eventually come around.

And even if they don't, you have us.

Yeah, whatever you need,
we'll be there for you.

It's Mom.

Oh, thank God.
I thought we'd have to be there for you.

"Not sure if you remember Sharon Chu
from math camp. Huge teeth."

"Anyway, she died
from drinking too much water."

- "Thought you should know."
- Aw, see?

It's already starting.

Oh my God.

Do you remember how big her teeth were?

Oh, Melissa Lau said they had to make
her braces out of bicycle chains.

Oh right, Melissa Lau.

No joke, she had to buy her floss
from the military.

- She saw an elephant dentist.
- She had to go to the zoo.

Your dandruff is getting on me.

Every whoa-oh-oh

Still shines

Every shing-a-ling-a-ling
That they're starting to sing

Is so fine

When they get to the part
Where he's breaking her heart

It can really make me cry

Just like before

It's yesterday once more