01x06 - The Milking Room

[bunniefuu]

[classical music playing]

And thanks to our efforts here,
the black rhino will stay extinct.

Next, I want an update
on the St. Stephen's case. Peter.

Our client Richard Klein came to us
claiming St. Stephen's Medical Center

refused to treat his burst appendix
because he didn't have insurance.

[group exclaiming]

So we dropped him
to represent the hospital instead.

Today, we won our countersuit
in the amount of $14 million.

Richard's gonna lose his home
and most of his spleen.

[applauding]

Terrific stuff.

Next, I believe
congratulations are in order.

Ruthie Dang has won another class action.

AgraFoods International
was cleared of wrongdoing

after metal screws were found
in their Mr. Squishy YumYum cakes.

Not only that, Ruthie got the FDA
to reclassify the screws as vegetables.

Great work.

What can I say? Babies need iron.

Ha! Ruthie, you're too much.

Keep this up,
and soon you'll be in my seat.

Wouldn't you say, Bertram?

Bertram?

Ah, wouldn't you know it.
Bertram has died. When did that happen?

Three weeks ago.

You said he needed to be paid through
holiday bonuses for the tax write-off.

I remember. I remember.
Well, you know what to do.

Switch out his blood with Febreze

and call the cemetery
to make sure it's still segregated.

[grunting]

Don't let it get away!

[theme music playing]

[theme music fades]

- [poignant music playing]
- [people crying]

Bertram was a great man.

Husband to his beloved Myrtle.

Father to Bert Jr.

Sugar daddy to Kayla, Monique, Bianca,
Amberlynn, Danica and Trevor.

World w*r II veteran.
Not important which side.

I'll never forget the time
he thought I was the valet.

He said to me,
"I'm not letting one of you park my car."

"You people can't drive for sh*t."

With Bertram gone, there is now
an open spot on the board of directors.

But if I tell you
who the leading candidate is,

I'll be putting a target on their back.

Well, guess what?
It's Ruthie. Have at him.

Thank you, Mr. Langmore.

But as I've told you several times,
I am a woman.

Ah, yes. So competent
I forget you're not a man.

[scatting "Man! I Feel Like A Woman"]

Let's go, girls. [laughs]

Sorry to interrupt
this little danse macabre,

but I took it upon myself
to throw together an impromptu baby shower

for our expecting mother
and the father-to-be.

- Cheers, Peter. Top marks.
- No.

Who is this? What's going on?

[groans] This is Warren,
my estranged husband.

And what's going on is,
I'm going to k*ll him.

Well, don't do it before the shower games.

I put candy bars in these nappies

so they look like
little pieces of baby sh*t.

Who's hungry?

Eunice, why are you here?

Warren made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

As promised,
here's your $5 Starbucks gift card.

Yes! I'mma get a cake pop, suckers!

[lively music playing]

Okay, before you say anything,

OnlyFans is a company expense.

One of the guys
is wearing cargo pants in the beginning.

Yeah, it's not that.
Listen, you gotta fire Jil.

What?

Jil is one of my best designers, I think.
She's never actually designed anything.

She told me she's shy,
and that's a protected class.

Well, she's been stealing.

Oh, come on. What, you're gonna fire her
because she took a few pens?

- [mysterious music playing]
- Oh.

Well... [gasps]

That's my office.

I was meditating.

Wait a second.

Goddamnit. So she's kind of a klepto.
Is that so bad?

She also embezzled $450,000.

So yeah, you gotta fire her.
Get it done by end of day.

But you know I'm bad with confrontation.

That's why I've never told you
that your new hairline looks weird.

I-- [groans]

I told you I went to Turkey because I own
a vacation home with Salt Bae.

Look, man, firing people
is not that hard. Watch.

Hey, you. Yeah, you're fired.

[electronic warbling]
I was so close to retirement...

[whirring]

[gasping]

[in English] Got one!

Are we sure there are no other takers?

- No? Well, looks like round eight for me.
- [indistinct chatter]

[laughs]

You know, I've never actually
been to one of these before.

In the past, we'd just give
the secretaries an envelope full of cash

and send them on their way

with a pat on the behind
and an open-mouth kiss.

Well, I hope this doesn't change
how you think of me.

I'm still just one of the guys.

Okay, everyone, new game.

Everyone write down how dilated
you think Ruthie's cervix will be

when she arrives at hospital.

Closest wins a copy of The Sacred Pudenda,

a graphically illustrated guide
to how pregnancy forever alters the vulva.

Mr. Langmore, I am so sorry. I...

[laughing]

Good one. [laughs]

[growls]

[lively music playing]

Hey, have you seen Jil?

- Jil? Is she, like, really tall?
- Short.

- Redhead?
- Brunette.

- Australian accent.
- American.

- Was she in The Hours?
- Are you thinking of Nicole Kidman?

Huh. I guess I am.
Who are you looking for?

- Jil.
- Oh! I don't know.

Can't find Jil. Maybe tomorrow? Sorry.

- [stomach gurgles]
- [groans]

[groaning]

- [both scream]
- Oh my God, Jil!

- Get out!
- I didn't see anything!

- They look great, I think. I don't know!
- [clicks]

[yelling] Accidentally took a picture.

Delete. Oh no, accidentally posted it.

- Delete! I self-liked!
- [chimes]

Get out!

[lively music playing]

Sorry, what were you even doing
in the breastfeeding room?

I didn't think anyone actually used it,
so I go in there to fart.

Oh, so you just fart wherever?
Like a g*dd*mn animal?

At Klerp, we don't have
breastfeeding rooms.

Everyone can pump out in the open

as long as Jane can use a bit
of their milk for her smoothies.

Ruthie, you're a lawyer.

Let's say, hypothetically, you're at work,

and one of your g*y
and extremely stylish coworkers

hypothetically walked in on you pumping

and hypothetically saw everything. And--

- Oh God!
- I know. It was awful.

n*pples stretching towards me
like Silly Putty.

No, no, no, not that.

I'm just realizing, this isn't going
to end when the baby is born, is it?

[ominous music playing]

I'm going to have to pump at work?

I'm always going to be
the woman with a... kid!

You'll be fine.

Honestly, how much care does a baby need?

Mom and Dad left me alone all the time,
and I'm awesome.

Andrew!

[grunts] There, there.

- [burps]
- Ooh!

That's a big one.

[classical music playing]

Mr. Langmore, I just wanted to say
that I promise I won't let this baby

affect my work in the slightest.

That's good to hear,
but I do have some concerns.

What happens
when your brain starts getting smaller

so that the baby's brain can get bigger?

Or what if it gets lost,
and comes out the butt?

'Sup, boss? Just got a box of Cubans,
Jeremy Piven collection.

Each cigar comes
with its own set of bongos.

Ah! Cigars! My only vice.

Besides whiskey, of course.

And women.
And Confederate w*r memorabilia.

And young Thai men with soft, wet hands.
But that's it!

You should get out of here, Ruthie.

I heard secondhand smoke
is bad for the baby.

Turns it g*y or something.

That's in no way true.

I said "or something"!

Ruthie, do you mind if we partake?

Does she mind? [groans]

Is this what it's going to be like
from now on?

Just because Ruthie
let some guy knock her up?

It was you!

Hell yeah, it was. Bye-bye now.

Hey, girlie!
Wasn't that so random yesterday?

Don't worry. I don't even like those.
Like, ick. No, thank you. [chuckles]

Anyway, um, you're fired.

And what are you doing this weekend?
Wanna grab brunch?

- What?
- Brunch?

You shouldn't now that you're fired.
You should save your money.

Okay, pack your stuff.
Security will see you out. Love your hair!

You can't fire me.

But I really want to.

You walked in on me topless,
and now you're letting me go?

This is retaliation.
I could sue you for sexual harassment.

Oh, no, no, I would never
sexually harass a woman.

I like the guys. Watch.

Hey, Roy! Diggin' the bulge, my man!

- That's sexual harassment.
- See? Guys.

[Mr. Langmore] It was then,
after winning the club championship,

that I realized my caddy
had been an old Black ghost all along.

[golf cart horn honks]

'Sup, dickbags?
Thought you could play a round without me?

They used to call me
the female Tiger Woods.

And not because we both enjoy
having sex on Ambien.

No, we thought pregnant ladies
weren't supposed to go out in nature,

just 'cause, like,
predators can smell the baby in there?

I am begging all of you to read one book.

Come on, Mr. Langmore,
you're gonna let a woman play golf?

There's too much math.
She'll hurt herself.

I say we let her join. It might be fun.

Like when you see
a dog riding a skateboard.

Thank you, Mr. Langmore.

[squawks]

Great shot, Ruthie.

There is a two-stroke bonus
for k*lling an animal.

[tense music playing]

What the hell, man? Jil's still here!

I know, because she just embezzled
another $50,000

and somehow spent it all
at Dave & Busters!

I was gonna fire her,

but I walked into that little room
down the hall so I could fart,

which is normal, but then I saw her boobs,
panicked, said they looked great,

which I don't even know if they did,
and she says I sexually harassed her.

You did sexually harass her.

No, that's just how I talk
to all my female friends,

of which I have many.

I said, of which I have many!

Hey, boss man,
here's all that work stuff you asked for.

Great work, Jessica.

And may I just say, as your coworker,
you've got some epic badonkers.

Thanks!

I wish more of our colleagues
would be that candid.

Andrew, I know that's your sister.
She visited us in college.

No, I don't think we've met.

Wait! Oh, yeah!
You were the chubby little bald guy.

No! We didn't meet! That was another guy!

[sobbing]

- [sultry jazz music playing over speakers]
- [indistinct chatter]

[audience cheering and whistling]

[Mr. Langmore] Wow!

- [men] Yeah! Yeah!
- [Mr. Langmore whoops] Hello!

- That's what I'm talking about!
- [Ruthie] Yeah!

Get a load of the getaway sticks
on that tomato!

Hey, let's see some shoulder!

Hear, hear!

I'm not quite sure how to phrase this,
but do these chicks ever show beav?

Heavens no, boy!

These women are trained
in the art of seduction.

You see, Whitmer, the simple curve
of an ankle or the silhouette of a hip

can be far more sensual--

Oop! I creamed my pants! It happened.

Why the hell is she here?

I go to strip clubs to get erections
surrounded by my male friends.

I don't want some woman around
making it weird.

[scoffs] Please. I love strip clubs.

It just sucks that I have to be sober
because I'm pregnant.

Oh my God, you're pregnant?
Congratulations!

I have a ten-month-old at home.

His name is Venmo, like the app.
My mom's watching him while I work.

Mr. Langmore, I don't like seeing
these strippers as mothers and daughters.

It's bumming me out.

Yes, I'm starting to realize
these women have interiority,

and, uh, I don't like that.

I suppose it's time to call it a night.

- [phone chimes]
- Hey, Mom, sorry for calling so late.

I just miss you, and, uh...
[sobs] ...I'm sorry.

[man on TV] Welcome back
to Perineum Island.

Okay, Darlene, you've had a chance
to review the contestants.

Now, can you tell us
which perineum belongs to your son?

- One.
- Three.

Oh...

Three!

Darlene, there can only be one winner,

and it taint you.

Please get the f*** out.

Damn, Andrew,
you're usually so good at this.

Like, too good.

It's this whole Jil thing.

Ruthie, there must be some way
I can legally fire her, right?

I can't deal with your sh*t right now.

If I don't do something soon,

Mr. Langmore is gonna give Peter
the board seat.

I need to find a way
to level the playing field.

Level the playing field, you say?

What are you talking about?
Why'd you say it like that?

So you're saying if I can find a way
to get Jil to sexually harass me,

we're all even.

That's not what I'm saying.
Please tell me you understand that.

Maybe she just happens to walk in on me
in the milking room.

- Not what it's called.
- Maybe my pants are accidentally off.

Why would your pants be off?

Oops, guess we're even now, Jil.

I am telling you not to do this.

I feel like you are though.

Can you guys shut up?
She's about to use one of her lifelines.

[man on TV] Contestant three,
please cough.

[contestant coughs]

- It's two!
- Oh, it's two.

- [birds singing and chirping]
- [g*ns c*ck]

Hello, boys!

Oh, this? It's a Ruger 336.

It's the one they pulled
from Charlton Heston's cold, dead hands.

Pass the brandy.

No sense hunting
unless we're good and drunk.

What are we hunting?
Something endangered, I hope.

'Tis I!

- [grunts]
- [back cracks]

Nothing like a bit
of the most dangerous game

to get the blood pumping.

Best of luck to you all.

- Warren?
- Ah, I see your concern.

Nothing to fuss about.
They're using tranquilizer darts.

The doctors say there's a 50-50 chance
I'll have no side effects, or lots.

What do you say, Ruthie?
First person to sh**t your husband wins.

Loser has to drop out of the race.

Oh, that won't be necessary.

I've made my decision
about who will join the board.

Ruthie, you've proven over and over that
you have what it takes to lead this firm.

Your k*ller instinct is something
all of us would do well to emulate.

But mostly, I must praise your taste
in extramarital romantic partners.

Congratulations, Peter.
You've got the job.

Hell yeah, Peter! That's my boy!

- [growling]
- [dramatic music playing]

- [Warren yells]
- [Ruthie gasps]

Warren! I didn't know
we'd be using tranquilizer darts.

[gasps] No trouble at all.

Nothing some minor surgery
won't be able to sort out.

That's why God gave us two legs, right?
In case our wife blew off the other one.

- [chuckles]
- [thuds]

Good thinking, Peter.
He'll suffer a lot less under anesthesia.

Right, that's why I did it.

[suspenseful music playing]

- Oh, no!
- [gasps]

Oh my God, Jil. You walked in on me!

What are you doing in here?
Why are your pants off?

[scoffs] You're looking down there?

Well, guess we're even.
I suppose I can fire you now.

- Uh, what's going on here?
- Andrew's in here with no pants on!

Oh, no! No, no, no.
You're not supposed to see this.

Why are your pants off?

Don't look at me! Look away! Just go! Now!

Whose pants are off?

Oh man, that's twice in one week.

He sexually harassed...

You're all seeing this.
Jil is sexually harassing me.

Playing field's level!
[screams] Playing field's level! [grunts]

[siren wailing distantly]

[pensive music playing]

Andrew! Have you been watching
Perineum Island without me?

Um, I would never. And we still need
to watch last week's PI Untainted

to see the behind-the-scenes stuff.

Weird. That's all been watched too.

Well, I haven't watched any of it
since we were at Ruthie's.

[gasps] You don't think...?

Ruthie, it's Andrew and Eunice.

I'm Eunice, and I'm with Andrew.

[Ruthie] It's unlocked.

[dramatic music playing]

[music fades]

What's up, dudes?

Ruthie, what's wrong? Did you see
a homeless person with an iPhone?

No, it's not that.

I lost the board seat to Peter.

And I shot Warren.

And I humiliated myself
and destroyed my career.

Hey, but at least you shot Warren.

Getting pregnant was a huge mistake.

I had just gotten everyone at Langmore
to forget I was a woman.

They were even giving me ball taps.

Ruthie, being pregnant is awesome.
You get so many perks.

People give up their seats to you
on the subway.

At restaurants,
you get a table immediately.

Honestly, I would get pregnant tomorrow
if they could find my IUD.

And even after you're pregnant,

they give you a special room
just for you to pump,

and it somehow doesn't have a lock on it.

Yes! Brought it back to me.

What are you doing?

The only thing that will cheer you up,

using your newfound privilege
against others.

- Hi. Excuse us.
- [lively upbeat music playing]

Coming through. She's pregnant.

- [thudding]
- [man groaning]

And that's for abusing
a registered trademark

at a Children's Television Workshop.

Excuse me. Hi, I'm pregnant.

Oh, be my guest, ma'am.

And have a second. You're hitting for two.

- [Ruthie grunting]
- [man groaning] Ow!

[lively upbeat music continues]

[player 1] Hey, uh, you guys need to move.

She's pregnant.

[player 1] Yeah,
but we need to tip off, so...

[player 2] She said she's pregnant.

[player 1] Sorry.
Uh, we'll play around you.

I have to admit, you were right.
It's not so bad being pregnant.

Oh! I'm glad you're seeing the light.

And to think you were
so wound up about your job.

My job? Oh my God, I have to go.

Okay, rude!

You were naked in the breastfeeding room.

Okay, I wasn't naked.
I was Porky Pigging it.

First, don't talk about Porky like that.
He's a friend.

Second, Jil is threatening to sue us now,
unless she gets a public apology.

Okay, jeez, I'll apologize...

on a Notes app Instagram story.

Hey! On grid!

[scoffs] Grid is forever.
I'll do it in person.

- [indistinct chatter]
- [clears throat]

So, I just wanted
to apologize publicly to Jil.

It was wrong of me to Porky...

Uh, to Donald Duck it
in the breastfeeding room.

Mm-hm. Apology not accepted.

Well, good.

Because actually, I don't apologize.

Yes, I walked in on Jil
while she was pumping,

but there's a perfectly good explanation
for that.

I go in the breastfeeding room to fart.

[gasping and chattering]

But why were your pants off?

Oh, you keep your pants on to fart?

Yeah.

You fart with your pants on,

and then you walk around
with little fart particles in your pants?

That's weird. You're weird.

Do all of you do this?

Wow, what a shame

that this office is making us
walk around in our fart particles all day.

I thought we were better than this.

As a society.

Why do you keep
calling them fart particles?

Like, shouldn't it be farticles?

Oh, is this a joke to you, Roy?

And why are we sending Jil
into a tiny little cave to pump?

Just 'cause Cliff wants it that way?

'Cause he thinks
she's doing something shameful?

I never said that.

I don't know about you,

but I don't want to live in a world
where mothers have to hide away

while everyone else is walking around
spraying fart particles into their pants.

Call me a dreamer, but I believe mothers
should be able to pump out in the open.

It's the farters
who should have their own room,

where they can remove
their pants in privacy the normal way.

So yeah, I guess I do owe
all of you an apology.

I'm sorry that I think
motherhood is beautiful.

[dramatic music playing]

He's right.

It is more normal
to take your pants off to fart.

- [employee whoops]
- [music crescendos]

[music fades]

And under the terms of the settlement,

our client's chemical plant expl*si*n

has been legally categorized
as an oopsie-daisy.

[door slams open]

Mr. Langmore,

you may think you don't want
a pregnant woman as the face of this firm.

- That's right.
- But ask yourself.

Who are our clients?

Polluters? White-collar criminals?

Abby Lee Miller?

Who do you think would be
a more sympathetic defense attorney?

- Peter?
- 'Sup, homie?

Or this?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

when my child is born,
I want him to live in a world

where he can be whatever he wants,

whether that's a teacher or a doctor

or someone who does cost cutting
for nursing homes.

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous.

Juries are gonna rule in her favor
just because she's pregnant?

[groans] My back is k*lling me. May I?

Oh, of course.

- sh*t.
- My point is, we get what we want.

Hmm. This could work.
Let's put it to a vote.

Everyone in favor of stripping Peter
of his board seat and giving it to Ruthie.

Norm?

Ah! Norm has kicked it.

Oh, well. Elections for Norm's seat
will begin after we dispose of the body.

Someone call the coroner,
and make sure to use the punch card.

I think this one should be free.

- [whimsical jazz music playing]
- [farting]

[farting]

Hey, man. I just wanted to say,

I thought it was cool
how you stood up for Jil back there.

Thanks, Roy.
But I wasn't standing up for Jil.

I was standing up
for all women everywhere.

Damn, I didn't realize
you were such a feminist.

Unlike some people.

I didn't do anything!

Also, he sexually harassed you! Twice!

Yeah, but all I have to do
is sexually harass him back.

That'll level the playing field.
Everybody knows that.

Wow. I really did it.

No, you didn't. Jil still works here.

She just stole the copper wiring
out of the kitchen.

[electricity humming]

It's for the baby!

Wait, so now
everyone takes their pants off to fart?

They're supposed to.

But I suspect
there's still some nasty little freaks

ripping it into their khakis.

You could have just fired her
and avoided all of it.

Mm...

I like my way. Shh!
They're about to do the reveal.

Your 90 minutes are up.

It's time for the moment of gooch.

What's your final answer?

- It's one.
- Pfft. You're insane.

It's clearly number three.

It's two. You can tell by the texture.

I choose number two. Lock it in.

The perineum that belongs to your son is...

number two!

- No. What?
- It looks nothing like her!

Congratulations.

For correctly guessing
which perineum belongs to your son,

you're both going home with $80!

You know what? I see it now.

[theme music playing]