01x04 - The Hottest Old People on Earth

[bunniefuu]

[mellow music playing]

- [enchanting music playing]
- [birds singing and chirping]

[Eunice] So, what do you think
of Central Park?

I don't like nature being free.

What? I just think it should cost money
to look at a sunset.

[man] Mmm.

Oop! [laughs nervously]

Big boobs, good morning!

What's he talking about?
I'm wearing a gigantic parka.

Damn, you really fill out that Patagonia!
That Gore-Tex is sitting!

- Oh no, it's the Freaquinox.
- The what?

You know, the first day
that everyone decides it's spring?

Wait, everyone decides it's spring?
It's 45 degrees out.

Yeah, but we can wear shorts now.

The sun comes out.
The c*m trees start to bloom.

- The c*m trees?
- The trees that smell like c*m.

- You know what I'm talking about.
- Oh, yeah, I do.

It's the first time anyone has seen
bare flesh in like eight months.

It's the horniest day of the year.

- Be careful today.
- [gasps]

[Andrew] The Freaquinox
can make you do dumb things.

Last year, I woke up next
to an Uber Eats delivery robot.

[tires screech]

- Watch where you're going!
- Are you blind?

[sultry music playing]

- [panting]
- [cat meows]

{\an8}[beeps]

[all moaning]

[ominous music playing]

[music turns dramatic]

You, quick, call the police!

[vendor] Mmm. Mmm!

[all scream]

Down here.

[dramatic music continues]

[Andrew] Dead end! [gasps]

[moaning]

Eunice, Ruthie, run!

Do your worst.

[yells]

[heroic music playing]

Go! Just go!

It's too late for me.

Oh, wow. [chuckles] Big rough hands.

Okay, I can work with this.

[theme music playing]

[music fades]

[Eunice] "Likes hiking, comedy."

- "Looking for a long-term relationship"?
- [yawns]

"Report for harassment."

[message whooshes]

[chimes]

[Andrew] He's hot. Is that his mom?

Aw, it's so nice when men like their moms,
even though they're women.

Eh, any guy can be obsessed with his mom.

Never met one
who can actually plan a date, though.

- [chimes]
- Oh!

[door opens]

- Thanks for having me over.
- Uh-huh. Goodbye.

That was really hot, especially the part
at the end where you said...

Oh, what was it?

Uh, I think it was "hurry up."

Yeah, "hurry up." [laughs]

I like that.

You know, if I didn't live in Hoboken,
I'd say we could go another round.

But you do, and therefore we can't. Sad.

Oh, look, my sister's here.

Okay, bye!

- Ooh! Who is that?
- Ugh.

Some rando I banged on the Freaquinox.

He said he had a "nice time."
Who does that?

Yeah, that's insane.

Anyway, I have a date with a guy tonight.
I need your help.

Well, he is a straight man,

so he'll probably cancel five minutes
after he's supposed to be there.

But if he does, I can get us tickets
to Shakespeare in the Park.

Ooh! Chet Hanks is playing Hamlet.

It works. He has daddy issues.
But what if Nate doesn't bail?

Plan B is
it goes like all your other dates.

I hide in the bathroom and interrupt
if he starts talking about his podcast.

[gasps] What are you gonna say this time?
Apartment flooded? Grandma died?

I have a new one.
Your dentist is selling his practice.

- Why would I leave for that?
- Why is the Mike Yanagita scene in Fargo?

To build out the world, Eunice.

- [lively music playing]
- [Andrew panting]

- [elevator chimes]
- Hold it!

Thanks.

Oh, hey.

- [dramatic sting plays]
- Oh, hi. [chuckles nervously]

How have you been?

Since this morning? I'm okay.

So, what brings you here?
Visiting a friend?

If you're looking for the WeWork
on our roof, it blew away.

- I work here.
- sh*t!

I mean, I have to take a sh*t.

- Yeah.
- [elevator chimes]

Well, this is my stop.

Wow, me too. I work for the startup
on the other side of the floor.

It's like Spindrift, but with AI,
if that makes sense?

- It doesn't.
- Very cool.

- Well, maybe I'll see you around.
- Maybe not.

[lilting music playing]

So, what is your skincare routine?

- Huh?
- What?

Why are you asking me that?

You just said
your skincare routine is so important

you'd choose it over your own brother.

Wait, you've been listening to me?
That's crazy.

Even I don't listen to me, and I'm me.

Eunice, from the dentist's office.

You won't believe this.
Dr. Garabedian is selling his practice.

[laughs nervously] Just give me a sec.

Mission canceled.
Things are actually going amazing.

He asked a question about me,

then a follow-up question
about the question.

It's like he wants to get to know you.

[gasps] Maybe he's trying
to steal your identity.

Whatever you do, do not tell him
the make and model of your first car.

No, I think maybe he's just nice.

Can't people be hot and nice?

- Shrek.
- Shrek.

I should go back.

Sorry. You know how friends
from the dentist are.

So, what do you do at Google?

I'm not sure, actually.

I just show up, I don't do anything,
and I've never asked why I'm there.

That's amazing. Money for doing nothing?

You're, like, living my dream.

When I was a kid, I used to pray
I'd find a piece of rat in my Red Bull.

That would be so sick.

Nate, before this gets any more serious,

there's something important
I need to ask you.

[tense music playing]

Have you ever hosted
or been a guest on a podcast?

Nope.

[enchanting music playing]

[sniffles]

Oh, God. Is everything okay?

You're crying.

They're happy tears.

["Danke Schoen" playing]

♪ Danke schoen ♪

♪ Darling, danke schoen ♪

- [rats squeaking]
- [screams]

♪ Thank you for all the joy and pain ♪

♪ Picture show ♪

♪ Second balcony ♪

♪ Was the place we'd meet ♪

♪ Second seat, gold Dutch treat ♪

♪ You were sweet ♪

♪ Danke schoen ♪

♪ Darling, danke schoen ♪

[customers gasping]

♪ Save those lies
Darling, don't explain ♪

♪ I recall Central Park... ♪

Wanna hang out again tomorrow?

[giggles] I'd like that.

♪ How you tore your dress
What a mess, I confess ♪

♪ That's not all ♪

♪ Danke schoen-- ♪

- [song ends]
- What are you doing?

- Nothing.
- Are you wistfully sliding down a door?

No, maybe. Crap, I don't know!

It's 2:00 a.m.

I picked out photos for the news
in case you had gone missing.

Ones where you look hot, but not so hot
that people think you deserved it.

[laughs] Oh my God. You like this guy.

Oh no. Do I?

Am I catching feelings? Can it be stopped?

Is there a vaccine?
Damn whoever the president is!

[tutting] Don't get ahead of yourself.

If a guy seems too good to be true,
he probably is.

- Let me see what I can dig up.
- Dig up?

Like you're gonna find dirt on him?

I'm a corporate lawyer.
I search and destroy for a living.

Have you seen Jeff Bezos' stand-up?

- No.
- And you never will.

But if there's incriminating material
on Nate out there,

I will find it.

[tense pensive music playing]

Hmm...

Ooh.

Huh.

Okay, I'm in.

What is this?

Facebook. You don't know what that is?

I was born in 1999.

Anything before Skibidi Toilet
is basically just cave paintings to me.

[Ruthie] Oh, jeez.

[Andrew] That's a lot of Asian girls.

So he knows some Asian girls. So what?

[inhales sharply] Hate to break it to you.
Nate has an Asian fetish.

He's from Irvine!

It's r*cist to not know Asian people
if you're from Irvine.

Every time a non-Asian dude
is interested in an Asian girl,

everyone thinks it's a fetish.

It's so annoying.

Why is it so hard to believe
he's into me for who I am?

A very hot person.

Oh, check his phone.

One time, I was dating a guy
I thought had a fetish,

so I checked his phone, and I saw he had
his Hinge set to only show Asian guys.

Oh my God, gross.
So you didn't hook up with him, right?

I did not... at that time.

But I kept his number and two weeks later,
when I was mega horny, I did.

And then a bunch more times
when I was bored.

But I was super judgy about it.

I'm not going through Nate's phone.
That's insane.

Come to dinner with us.
You'll see he's a nice, normal guy.

[laughs] I'll get dinner with him,
all right.

I'll get dinner with him so hard,
he won't know what hit him.

[indistinct chatter]

So the problem is that you're worried
you might run into the guy

you liked enough
to have sex with yesterday.

Exactly. I can't be held responsible
for who I was nine hours ago.

- What do I do?
- Just tell him you're not interested.

Pfft. Easy for you to say.

I've never actually
rejected anyone before.

I'm either actively
hooking up with someone

or letting them drift off into space
like George Clooney in Gravity.

Boning or ghosting, one or the other.

Except that I can't ghost him
because he could be around any corner.

[yells]

Oh, sorry. Thought you were someone else.
[laughs weakly]

[yells] I mean, hey.

Hey, you guys about to eat?
Mind if I join you?

Uh, we're done, actually.

So nice to see you.

[whirring]

[dishes crashing]

[Eunice] We love this place.
The bathrooms are always out of order.

That's how you know it's good.

So, Nate, do you eat dumplings often?

- No, never.
- Huh.

If I'm eating Chinese, I prefer congee.

[Ruthie] Hmm.

Can I ask you two questions,
this one included? Do you have a type?

Yeah. Eunice is my type.

- Aww.
- Meaning?

Well, she's all my favorite things.

Chaotic, flaky and smart,

but not the kind of smart
where she reads books or anything.

Uh-huh. Have you ever
traveled internationally?

Oh, yeah. Went to Asia once.

No way. Where?

Portugal.

That's absolutely in Europe.

Well, now it is. Not when I went there.

See? He doesn't have an Asian fetish.

He's just stupid.

Stop being happy about that.

One last question.
Who's your favorite Charlie's Angel?

Kristen Stewart.

No, not the new version, the old one.

Oh, Farrah Fawcett.

No, the reboot.

- Minka Kelly?
- g*dd*mn it!

Why are there so many Charlie's Angels?

The one with Lucy Liu.

Ah. Yeah, I didn't see that one.
But I loved her in k*ll Bill.

I was so into her in middle school.

He had a crush on Lucy Liu.
Classic yellow fever.

So he got hornt for one Asian person
in middle school.

Also, everyone had a crush on Lucy Liu.
I had a crush on Lucy Liu.

I still do.

It's like everyone's crush
on Anderson Cooper.

It means nothing.

We're gonna
have to run this up the flagpole.

There's only one way to know for sure
if a guy has an Asian fetish.

How?

- [dramatic fanfare playing]
- All rise.

The Special Tribunal on Asian Fetishes
has now convened.

{\an8}Chrissy Teigen,

{\an8}Chloe Kim,

{\an8}Margaret Cho,

{\an8}Padma Lakshmi,

{\an8}and Rina Sawayama presiding.

Your Honor, I believe my sister
is dating a man with an Asian fetish.

On what grounds? Do you have any evidence?

Is this guy a weeb? Has he ever said
the word "waifu" in your presence?

Does he own a body pillow
with a cat girl on it?

A body pillow? He's a normal straight man.

He doesn't even own sheets.

We've all seen the evidence.

The numerous female Asian friends.

Your Honor, I'd like to call
a surprise witness

in a way that causes a murmur
to ripple through the courtroom.

- Proceed.
- Esteemed tribunal...

I call Nate's former roommate...

[suspenseful music playing]

...Doug.

- [Chloe] Wow, that's Doug.
- [Rina] Okay.

Hey there. I'm Doug.

Doug, has Nate dated any of these women?

And if so, could you identify them for us?

Yeah, he dated three of them.

That's Jenny Lee,
Esther Choi and Serena Chang.

- [panel gasps]
- Are they all Koreans?

As we all know, two is a coincidence,
three is a pattern, and four is a fetish.

- What's five?
- Five is jail.

Wait, Jenny is half-Irish, half-Korean,

which means that dating me puts Nate
at three and a half Asian women.

Under the limit for a fetish.

Ah! The Kristin Kreuk Statute of 2002
reads as follows.

"Halfies count as wholies."

Okay, so he dated four Asian women.

That could be, like, random, right?

- It could be. Let's do the math.
- [pensive music playing]

The US is 7.3% Asian,

so if we give Nate a gimme
on his first Asian girlfriend,

the odds of him
dating three in a row are, oh, .04%.

- [music stops]
- What's going on here?

We're doing math about race.

And that's so important.

Carry on.

I'm sorry, but to convict him,
we need proof beyond a reasonable doubt.

Due to a lack of evidence,

we hereby rule this case inconclusive.

[growls]

Next case?

Guilty.

Aha! See? I won.
Nate doesn't have a fetish.

No, they said they didn't have
enough evidence to prove it.

You can deny it all you want,
but you know I'm right.

You're not always right about men.
You dated Pete Buttigieg in college.

I still think it's just a phase.

[groans] Oh! This always happens.

Every guy I'm ever interested in,
you find a problem with.

"Oh, this one has an Asian fetish."

"This one's wife went missing
under mysterious circumstances."

"This one is Machine g*n Kelly."

Just be happy for me!

[somber music playing]

Ooh! Wanna try that
new Vietnamese place for dinner?

No. Why would you suggest that?

Or we could do Italian?

Sure.

This menu doesn't make any sense.

Is "antipasta" the opposite of pasta?

And what is the opposite of pasta?

[gasps] Chocolate?

Why did you start dating me?

Uh, because you're cute
and really unpredictable,

so I'm always kind of surprised by you,
but in a, like, horny way?

That's it?

And I feel like I can trust you,

which is kind of scary,
to be honest, 'cause...

I think it means I like you.

[tender music playing]

I think I like you too.

I'm gonna shower before dinner.

I saw a TikTok that finally
made me realize I should wash my butt.

[tense pensive music playing]

[shower running]

[buzzes]

Hmm. [gasps]

- [buzzes]
- Oh.

Ooh!

- [buzzes]
- Ah.

[gasps]

[buzzes]

- Why are you going through my phone?
- Oh, this?!

I thought it was a book,
so I was trying to burn it.

What were you looking for?
My d*ck pics? I sent you the best ones.

I'm sorry, but after
we had dinner with Ruthie,

I thought you might have an Asian fetish.

I just needed to be sure.

Well, I don't have an Asian fetish
or any fetish.

Yes, I once had a sex dream
about Count Chocula, but I didn't like it.

You said you trusted me,
but clearly you don't.

If you really want
to look through my phone, look.

The password is 696969.

[poignant pensive music playing]

Here, let's be even.
Look through my phone.

Don't actually!

I think you should go.

I should never have listened to you.

Things were good with Nate,
but you had to go and make me paranoid,

and now I've ruined everything!

Paranoia is a survival skill,
and I will not be shamed for it.

And I want everyone listening in on us
through our Alexa to know that too!

You have no idea
what a good relationship even looks like.

You married Warren,
and he has a Hamilton tattoo.

Yeah. "Immigrants, we do a good job."

He didn't even get the lyric right.
But I am only trying to protect you.

I've dealt with this kind of sh*t before.
I know these guys.

You're not trying to protect me.

You're trying to control me
because your life is such a mess.

But I'm not like you.

I'm young, I'm hot,
and I don't have a purse or a wallet.

I just use my hands.

[door opens then closes]

[indistinct chatter]

The commissary really went hard
for National Coming Out Day, huh?

- What'd you get?
- The "No Son of Mine Caesar." You?

The "Mom, Dad, I Met Someone at College,
and His Name Is Dan Chicken Fajita Bowl."

Ugh! There he is again.
It's like he won't leave me alone.

I thought you stayed friends
with all your exes.

Yes, and it's exhausting.

Do you know how many improv shows
I've been to since I moved to New York?

None, I would never.
But I've been invited to so many.

I know you don't like confrontation,
but sometimes that's the only way.

Just go up to him,
be direct and tell him how you feel.

[sighs]

Hey, Andrew, you can sit here if you want.

No, I'm not gonna sit here 'cause, uh...

I don't think we should see each other.

Oh, well, that's okay.

I just don't think we're compatible,
is the thing.

Hey, I get it. No hard feelings.

You're desperate and sad,

and every time you smile at me,
I wanna push you into traffic.

- I see.
- I can't believe I let you hit it.

Gross. Goodbye, get lost,
eat glass and swallow hard.

[inhales sharply]

Excuse me.

- How did it go?
- Pretty good. I let him down easy.

[lively music playing]

Look, I'm really, really, really sorry.

But as an Asian woman dating a white guy,

there's always part of me
that worries I'm being fetishized.

And I don't want
to be fetishized for my race.

I only want to be fetishized
for my perfect t*ts.

I'm not dating you because you're Asian.

I mean, yeah,
I've dated a few Asian girls,

but none of them were like you.

What do you mean?

I mean, you're not like the others.
You're different.

You speak your mind, but you're not, like,
you know, bossy or whatever.

Not like the others?

Nate, being some exception
is just as bad as being fetishized.

Wait, yeah, it's complicated,
but I mean it.

No, I just mean
that I can bring you home to my parents

without worrying
that you'll be all quiet and mousy

or some crazy dragon lady
like your sister.

Hey, I am not better than Ruthie.

I'm worse in almost every way
according to most people who have met us.

I was wrong to think you were different.
Goodbye, Nate.

[door slams]

Wow! Should I examine
how my whiteness has affected

how I interact with the world?

Nah, too hard. I'm gonna get high
and watch how balloons are made.

[humming lilting melody]

- You're in a better mood.
- I feel great.

Ever since I told Patrick
I wasn't interested,

I'm not scared of bumping into him.

[elevator chimes]

Speak of the devil. Hey, Patrick.

Andrew.

Uh, this is my coworker, Benji.

Doing anything this weekend?

Well, I have a date.

He's an Olympic gymnast,
and unlike some other people,

he's actually vers.

I told you, I only top during leap years.

What? Why?

Because there's a sense of whimsy
in the air.

[elevator chimes]

Okay, so that was really hot, right?

Uh, he seems pretty pissed at you.

Yeah, but there's something different
about him.

- Is it that he's not into you anymore?
- Yep, that's it.

- I'm gonna call him again.
- No, Andrew!

[gentle music playing]

So, what happened to Nate?

You were right. Total Asian fetish.

Hey, don't get too down on yourself.

It's something all Asian women
have to deal with.

The universe makes up for it by letting us
be the hottest old people on Earth.

I know you just wanted to protect me
'cause of what happened to you.

What did happen to you?

Well, when I was in college,
I dated this guy Brian for a month.

And when we broke up, he told me,

"I could have another Asian girl up here
in five minutes."

Oh my God, ew! What did you do?

Eh, some people say
the best revenge is success,

but I say the best revenge is successfully
destroying the man who hurt you.

- Do you know how to destroy a man?
- Um...

- Take away the things he loves?
- Give him everything he wants.

You need to make the little piggy fat
before you slaughter it.

And do you know how to slaughter a pig?

- Stab it.
- Send it to med school.

{\an8}Even if you have to learn
medicine yourself

so you can fix the test
so he graduates at the top of his class

and gets into his perfect residency.

And after I gave him everything,
do you know what I did?

- You took it away!
- I became a farmer.

I lived off the land,
I learned the rhythms of Earth.

I sought out the way of the yeoman.
Have you heard of cloud seeding?

- [Eunice] No.
- [Ruthie] Neither had Brian.

And it would cost him.

I seeded clouds
all above his little village.

I created a once-in-a-century rainstorm
that flooded his house

and carried it away
down the Delaware River.

And then, when he had nothing,

I showed up at his door at the motel
where he was living, and I said,

"Looks like you'll never have
another Asian girl up here

because your house
doesn't have a second floor anymore."

And he said, "What?"

And I said, "Remember that thing you said
when we broke up?"

And he said, "Not really."

Then he invited me in,
and I met his lovely wife Akiko.

[Eunice] How long have they been together?

Nineteen years.

He met her five minutes
after he broke up with me.

Huh.

[lively music playing]

[Eunice] Ooh! Eli.

He has abs and unlimited vacation days.

- He's cute, right?
- On it.

Okay, team, we are looking for Eli H.



Interests include skateboarding,
growing his own mushrooms and women's MMA.

This is a high-priority target.
Happy hunting.

[tense pensive music playing]

Eli Hartenberg, 31, 730 credit score.

- Graduate of Harvard.
- [Eunice] Boo.

- Extension school.
- [Eunice] Yay!

Two major exes.
Brooke Iannucci and Connie Long.

Aww.

Wait, it's the white kind,
like Justin Long. We're good.

- Yes!
- Wait.

It says here he has two convictions
for felony arson.

But those abs, though.

[jazzy bass line playing]

You guys eating a*s?

This an a*s-eating crowd?

None of you have ever eaten a*s? Come on.

This guy, he looks like he's eaten a*s.

Just look at him.

But for real,
anybody here been to the moon?

Damn, for real? Nobody?

[theme music playing]