05x22 - It's a Cliffhanger, By George

[bunniefuu]

Hello, everyone!

Hey, Daddy!

Son?

Ah, it's a beautiful day, huh?

The sun is brighter and the roses smell fresher.

And does anyone know why?

Clipped your eyebrows and mustache so you can actually see and smell things now?

Oh, Michael, you what? But I can't hear you today.

Well, you had the trimmers up, bro. You should have done your ears, man.

I met the love of my life online.

Her name is Lindsay, and she's perfect.

Well, she has one flaw, you know.

Her breasts are slightly larger than I'm used to.

But oh well, I guess I'll have to deal with it.

Daddy, how do you know you're in love?

How many times have you gone out with her?

That night was our first date, and it was magical.

She says I'm the most handsome man she'd ever seen.

Oh, that's so nice.

So when you kissed her goodnight, did her seeing eye dog growl?

She's not blind.

She's crazy about me, and we are going out again tonight.

You, however, will die alone with your underwear

Full of cobwebs.

You know, Benny...

the internet might be the perfect way for you to meet a man.

I've got my own ways of meeting men.

I drink until they look like Tom Selleck.

But you haven't had a real relationship in over a year.

Maybe it's time to throw your net out there and see what you can catch.

Angie, please, my mom's already caught enough things from dating.

George.

Your mom's perfect man might not be in L.A.

He could be in a trailer in North Carolina.

or a trailer in Wyoming.

Or a trailer in Alabama.

I got it. Operation Take Out the Trash.

Look at that. There are thousands of men on this website in your age range.

Mom, come on. Let's find your dream man.

I'm not gonna do this. I don't need help meeting a man.

You need help meeting a good man.

Somebody that doesn't turn to you at last call and say,

hey, buddy, why don't we go out and get a couple chicks?

You know what?

It would be nice to meet a good man.

A guy who wouldn't interrupt the date every five minutes to go call his wife.

okay look here's a profile builder with a bunch of questions

All right.

Preferred age range.

legal and up.

What's your idea of a fun date?

c*ck are fun.

I'm going to put that bird watch in.

Hobbies

Um, drinking, smoking, gambling.

Ideal companion.

Drinker, smoker, gambler.

Let's see if we have any matches.

Hey, look at that. Three guys came up.

Let's see their pictures.

All right.

There's one.

The next one.

all right bye

okay you know what mom here's 30 dollars tom selick's on me tonight

Hey, Dad.

When can I have my first beer?

When you're 21.

But most of my friends have already gotten drunk.

I want to see what it feels like.

Let me tell you a tragic story about what happened to someone who started drinking at your age.

Grandma, the end.

Eddie

Eddie Carter, right?

Yeah.

Do I know you?

George Lopez.

Remember I used to go out with my mom, Benny, when I was a kid?

Oh, yeah!

Little George!

Man, I remember when you were a kid and you had a skinny body and a giant head.

And now...

You're older.

Hey, this is my son, Max.

This guy is great.

When he was going out with your grandma,

he used to take me to Dodger games,

buy me hot dog souvenirs.

He bought me my first beer when I was 14.

innings into a great game

on my 21st birthday.

So, uh...

How's your mom?

I bet she left the factory, settled down, and married a good man.

You know, sort of. I mean, she's still at the factory or...

House burned down, and she got left at the altar,

so it's not the worst year she's ever had.

What about you, Eddie? You ever get married?

Yeah, a couple of times, but it didn't work out.

I'll never find another woman like your mom.

We've been looking.

Hey, I know you guys had some rough times,

but Benny was all right.

When you see her.

Tell her I miss her.

Hey, you know what, Eddie?

Why don't you tell her yourself?

I'm having a barbecue at my house tonight.

She'll be there.

Why don't you come on over?

Oh, thanks, George. It'd be nice to see Benny again.

She was one classy lady.

Just to be sure, this is my mom, right?

This is the Benny you're talking about.

Yeah, that's her.

Man, she got better looking with age.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Three.

Are you on medication?

No.

All right, I'll see you tonight.

Okay.

Thanks for watching!

Give me all the money in your register, now!

Oh, and a bottle of wine.

And some flowers.

I got a date tonight.

Mom, I just got my letters from Northwestern Iowa and Columbia oh it's gonna be a tough choice

they're all great colleges Oh Northwestern my first choice the only school I really want to go

to

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You know what?

You don't want to go to school in Chicago anyway.

It's a windy city.

A terrible college for hair.

Oh, I can.

do this. You do Iowa.

I don't know.

You know what?

I have a great feeling about Columbia.

Thank you.

Sorry, honey.

I don't know.

Well, who wants to go to New York anyway?

I mean, shopping and theater and nightlife.

Stupid city never sleeps, and I need my eight hours.

Carmen, don't be too upset.

There's still a letter coming from Northern Vermont State.

Go, Maple Tappers!

Thank you.

Angie, I got the ginger ale for your stomach.

Thanks.

George, Carmen just got rejected from northwestern Iowa and Columbia.

Hey, the hell with them!

Carmen still got Vermont, and if that don't work out, she can go to Valley Community College like her old man.

She'll be a legacy.

I'll see you next time.

It dropped out after two weeks.

That's two more weeks of college than you had

Jealousy is so ugly, so high school

Thank you.

Hey! What are you doing?

Ah!

I'm

We're bringing you a beer.

Because I love you, Grandma.

And I'm gonna drink this beer because I love it.

Oh, don't get there yet.

What are you doing?

I got a surprise.

I ran into one of your ex-boyfriends at the convenience store.

Mom.

You remember Eddie?

Eddie Garcia.

Eddie Johnson?

Ericka Macho.

No, you guys had something special.

Oh

Big Eddie Bergman.

Fast Eddie.

Freaky Eddie.

Mom!

Slow, steady, sweaty Eddie.

What are the John Collins?

Your classy lady's waiting for you.

Eddie Carter.

Hello, Bonita.

You look just as lovely as the day you chased me out of your house with a hot iron.

i still got the triangle on my a*s

considering where i was aiming you were lucky you turned around

eddie this is my wife angie nice to meet you

Um, I wonder if you could come outside for a moment and talk.

Who's that?

The only good guy my mom ever dated.

Why don't you break up with them?

Who knows? You know, some things just happen.

I mean, why does the wind blow?

because air naturally moves from a high pressure system to a low pressure system

wrong nice try

Then where does it come from?

Nobody knows. That's my point.

Check it out. They're hitting it off.

How do you know?

Remember when we went to the zoo and the rhinos were about to...

It's like that.

They're trying to figure out who's the dominant male.

We're going to go for a little drive.

Why don't you start dinner without us?

Okay, you kids have a good time.

And just so you know, Eddie, her curfew is the first week of August.

If you're going to keep her out past then, really, bro, thank you.

George!

Dude, don't keep things from me, all right?

I'm your friend. You need to tell me the truth.

Okay, fine.

I submitted your name to Extreme Makeover.

They might be able to do something about those ears.

Might.

I'm talking about Mel and Jack.

I heard they were going to close a factory.

What? Who told you that?

Welp.

Michelle from accounting was asking me out on a date,

and Mel and Jack walked by, and I heard them talking

that they were going to sell the factory.

That doesn't make any sense. Michelle is hot, man.

Why would she ask you out on a date?

Not hot Michelle. Nasty Michelle.

What's going on with the factory?

Let me call Mel and Jack.

Ernie, did you get that stuff for the barbecue we forgot?

Oh, no, the convenience store is closed, man.

It's all taped off. It just got robbed.

When.

Like an hour ago, the dude held it up at gunpoint.

Get out of here. Max and I were just there.

Well, maybe you saw the guy.

The cop said the guy was wearing jeans and a leather jacket.

You don't think that Eddie...

No, no, no, no, no way!

And you know what the weird thing is?

They say that the crook didn't just steal the cash.

He took a bottle of wine and some flowers, too.

the circumstantial eddie's the greatest guy in the world

And the witness says he saw the crook talking to a Mexican dude

with his little girl just before he robbed him.

Damn it! Max needs a haircut, I told you.

Hey, where are you going?

I gotta go find my mom. I just sent her out with an armed robber.

George, he could kidnap her or k*ll her.

Don't try to talk me out of it. I still gotta find her.

Vamanos!

hey let me ask you something uh how would you feel if i decided to get married again

Are you out of your mind?

You just met this woman online a few days ago.

What do you even know about her?

Well, I know she's a stunning 27-year-old who loves me.



That's younger than me.

I know.

high five oh angie angie if you met her you would like her she has exquisite taste

You should see the diamond bracelet she picked out.

Jodi, how's you buying her expensive jewelry?

She only accepted the bracelet because she knew it made me happy.

Same with the watch and the car.

Oh, it's a two-year lease. Come on, save me the dramatics.

No, it's not that. It's just I've had a stomachache all day.

Thanks for watching!

You don't have any fever. How long have you been sick?

Well...

The past few mornings, I've just felt a little nauseous.

It's probably just a stomach bug.

Or maybe, you're pregnant.

Yeah, right.

Ha, ha, ha.

I went to Thirsty's

I checked her apartment, I looked in her drawers,

I can't find my mom anywhere.

I hope she's okay.

Look, how could you have no clue this guy was an armed robber?

I saw the guy in the store for two minutes!

Well, what about when you were a kid?

Were there any signs he was a criminal?

I mean, he dove in the bushes when the cops drove by.

He buried cash in the backyard and beat some dude with a bat.

All the money, and he was a regular neighborhood guy.

Thank you.

Mom are you okay?

What are you talking about?

He's a criminal. He robbed a convenience store.

Oh, I know. Why the hell do you think I got rid of him?

You should have told me. Mama thought he kidnapped you.

I called the police.

You did what?

Are you out of your mind?

We were worried about you. He's armed.

Oh, please. He shot fewer people than the vice president.

when did you call the cops about 20 minutes ago why oh i gotta get out of here eddie is

gonna think that i turned him in and when the cops bust him he's gonna give me up

hey what do you mean give you up mom you haven't done anything wrong well

No, Mom, what did you do?

Rob a place? sh**t someone? I know.

You flash someone, and they k*ll themselves.

No, George.

I drove a getaway car once.

I didn't know that he was robbing the place.

He jumped in the car.

He told me to peel out.

I did.

Then I threw the g*n out the window and I painted my car white.

I didn't paint the car while I painted it

While you told me you were teaching me karate

Don't you understand what you have done?

Mom, that was a long time ago. There's a statute of limitations.

George, it was in Arizona. I cross state lines. They can bust me any time.

George!

Don't allow cigarettes in prison anymore!

I...

Will we?

Die.

Mom, pick up. They're after Eddie, not you.

And even if you did get arrested,

they would send you to a woman's prison.

All you'd have to worry about is that butchy woman

who rules the shower, and that could be you.

What are you doing out here in the dark?

I just got my letter.

mind

to open it.

This is my last shot, Mom.

Not just for an education, freedom.

i can't party and pierce things in this house i need to go away

carmen

If, for some crazy reason, they are stupid enough not to take you...

then your dad can pull some strings for you at Valley Community College.

You're a legacy.

Mom, that place is a joke, and I didn't even apply.

It's not a joke, and you can always apply.

I just got a coupon in the mail. It'll save you $10 on tuition, and we can get our carpets cleaned.

Come on, Vermont.

I want to do this alone.

Thanks for watching!

Good luck.

Thank you.

Takk for att du så på!

Thank you.

Thanks for watching!

I can't get a hold of my mom.

I need to talk to you.

Wait, I gotta call Jack and Mel and find out what's going on with the factory.

It's pretty important.

Yeah, more important than me losing my job?

Yeah, this may be bigger than that.

I'll see you next time.

Cough!

Remember.

Last month when we were watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith

and you chased me upstairs calling me Angelina.

Well...

Brad?

I might be giving you what Jennifer wouldn't.

A Cambodian kid?

No.

I might be pregnant.

WHAT?!

Oh, no, hell no. Hey, hell no.

You better hope that Brad and Angelina

want a little Mexican kid for their collection

because how come I'm not raising another one?

Well, I'll tell you in about five minutes.

What about the extra room? That was going to be my home theater.

Your home theater?

How could you be so selfish?

What about what's going to happen to my body?

Oh, man, the hormone's already kicking in.

Mom, where you been? I've been calling you.

George, the police are at my place. I can't get inside.

I need cash quick. I got to get out of town.

Mom, running away makes you look guilty.

I already told you, I am guilty.

Now give me 300 bucks and I'll call you after I buy a house in Guatemala.

i'm not giving you any money george i need your help i'm not gonna get anywhere with 60 bucks a

pack of smokes

And Eddie's gone.

What the hell?

Why do you have that?

I don't know, I don't know.

Okay, you know what?

He asked if he could stay at my place for a couple of days,

and then I said no, and we had this huge fight.

And that is when he must have put it in my purse!

Oh.

Mom, it's the cops.

Okay, all right, George, listen.

Don't let him in, because it's going to look like I'm trying to get rid of his g*n.

I've got to get rid of this guy.

Hey, hey, I'll be right there, man.

I've got to put some clothes on.

Okay, what else don't I know about?

What did you do, steal a car, knock off a bank?

Maybe you've got a balloon full of heroin in your butt.

Buy me some time, George.

Lie, make up something.

Mom, I'm not lying to the police.

George, please, you gotta...

Cover for me, George, please.

I'm your mother. I raised you.

You know, you're not helping yourself there.

George!

Call me. I just went through Mel and Jack's desk.

They're moving the company to Mexico.

I can't lose my job. What am I going to do?

What are you going to do?

Thank you for watching.

Thanks for watching!

Thank you.

Teksting av Nicolai Winther

Cut the top of the cake.

I will make the base of the cake.

♪

Well, Lindsay...

There is something I have to ask you.

© transcript Emily Beynon

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for watching.

Thanks for watching!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Are you George Lopez?

Uh, yes.

We're looking for your mother. Do you know where she is?

Why, did somebody order a stripper grub?

I get it.

You hold a boombox while Officer Grindit here gets down to a G-street.

We have Eddie Carter in custody, and we want to talk to your mother.

Is she here?

Mr. Lopez, if you know where she is and you don't tell us, you're an accomplice.

We'll be right back.