05x20 - George Vows to Make Some Matri-Money

[bunniefuu]

you cooking dinner you see it don't you mom's planning a big wedding so dad's doing the cooking

and laundry

That's why I'm hungry and going commando.

all right free willy i'll give you a choice

you can either figure out how to work the washing machine or

You can make your own underwear.

This is a game of chicken you're gonna lose, old man.

Go clean yourself.

I don't know.

All right.

Brooke, this is my husband, George, and my mother-in-law, Benny.

Oh, so nice to meet you.

I'm sorry I'm taking all of Angie's time, I just...

Didn't realize it took so much to plan a wedding.

We never had wedding planners.

All you had to do was get to Vegas, say your vows at the drive-thru chapel,

and be on your way.

Well, Brooke's situation's a little different than yours, Mom.

First of all, she's not a minor.

She's not pregnant, and she knows the last name of the guy she's marrying.

I knew his last name.

I just didn't know he was going to be using it for his other family, too.

You know...

If he says he's working late, he's cheating.

If he goes to the store, he's cheating.

Men never get off the couch unless they're cheating.

Anyway, congratulations on your oh-so-magical day.

Brooke, don't listen to her.

George and I have been married for 19 years.

Gosh, what's your secret?

The three L's.

Love, laughter, and, uh...

Yeah, what's that third one you're always talking about?

Listening.

Oh, yeah, listening.

I thought you were going to say laundry.

I'm always washing my fiancé's bloody clothes.

No, he's a butcher.

Well, I hope he's a butcher.

Okay, Brooke, I will call you later about the flowers,

and don't worry, your wedding is in good hands.

Okay, great.

Hey, tell me something.

Anthony and I are trying to wait until the honeymoon.

Any ideas on how to keep him from getting turned on?

Ahem.

If you want to k*ll the mood, you could.

Dig around in your ear with a Q-tip

and pull out something that looks like a candy apple.

Still, that only works half the time.

Well, I guess it's going back to starting to fight for no reason.

BIG EPISODE!

I'm not your mother!

I guess that'll work.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Bye-bye.

Take care.

Drive safe.

Okay, call me.

She is a monster!

I can't work with her anymore. I quit.

What are you talking about?

She's crazy, George.

Oh.

Thanks for watching!

I know what's going on.

You get two beautiful girls together, and the next day...

You don't understand.

She calls me 50 times a day.

Nothing is ever right.

She can't make a simple decision to save her life.

So women are indecisive.

I know one woman who couldn't decide what to name her own kids.

That's why her son's legal name is Max Victor Roberto Magic Johnson Lopez.

All right, maybe they weren't all yours.

You know what?

I know that this is a big commission, but it is not worth the headache.

I have to call her and tell her I am not going to plan her wedding.

So.

You're going to quit just because you don't want to work hard?

Excuse me? I work hard.

I am tired of you belittling my job.

Okay, I'm not belittling your job, Angie.

It just seems that most of what you do is call other people so they can do the work.

That's all you think I do.

Okay.

You call the printer, they print the invitations.

You call the caterer, they make the food.

You call the baker,

They bake the cake.

The hardest thing you do, you're like that.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

All right, that might have been a little bit little.

It is not just making phone calls.

I help a bride through one of the most stressful times of her life.

There is a whole emotional side to wedding planning that you know nothing about.

Please, Angie, a stressed-out bride is nothing.

Let me tell you this.

At the factory, I work with ex-cons,

substance abusers, and sexual harassers.

And I'm not just talking about my mom.

There's other people like that there, too.

You know what?

You think you know everything.

You wouldn't last a minute planning a wedding.

Please, I could do your job with my eyes closed

and both legs tied behind my back.

Oh, yeah? Then why don't you plan Brooke's wedding?

Fine.

But I get to keep the commission, and I'm not using that money on the house or the kids.

I'm going to spend it on something that I've always wanted, a giant painting of me that I can put over the mantel.

I'm going to be like that.

There is not going to be a commission because you can't pull this job off.

And don't call me for help because beep-boop-beep-boop-beep-beep-beep-beep.

Hi, you've reached Angie's Clueless Husband hotline.

Please press nothing for help because you're not getting it.

All my friends know that I'm a writer.

What are you doing with your golf clubs?

Brooke's on her way over here to meet with you about her wedding.

How long can it take?

I ask her what she wants, I write it down,

I make some calls on the course in between shots.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

This is my favorite part.

When you're all smug right before you fail.

Like that time you put on your own fireworks show for the Fourth of July.

maybe I like fireworks that I level I'll be right back keep an eye on

Bye, Mom.

Carmen, wait!

I'm not working today. Maybe we can hang out together.

Oh, no, no. I've got a poetry reading.

I could go with you.

We haven't spent a lot of mother-daughter time together lately.

Yeah, I know, but the poems about how we're drifting apart,

it would k*ll it if you were there.

See ya.

Hey, Brooke.

Come on in.

I can't believe Angie can't do my wedding because of jury duty.

What kind of trial lasts a month?

Well, she's not allowed to talk about the trial, and neither am I, but...

Let's just say that it's a.

profile celebrity.

But why did she suggest you plan the wedding?

Don't you work in a factory?

Yes.

A dream factory. I make wedding fantasies come true.

Now come in and take a look at my portfolio.

This is amazing!

It's just.

pictures cut out of a bridal magazine?

Well, if you don't want a wedding that's gonna make it into a national magazine

then maybe I'm not your planner.

Good day.

No.

I said good day.

Okay, but everyone else has quit on me.

All the good wedding planners are taken. You're my last option.

Well, it's not the first time I've been a girl's last option.

And like all the other times, I'll take.

let's go over the details now angie said you wanted to get married march 29th now do you want

an indoor or outdoor wedding

Okay.

Band or DJ?

Band.

Okay.

Fish or chicken?

Well, don't you usually get both?

Buffet it is.

I'll see you March 29th.

Now, call me the night before,

but just to make sure everything's cool, all right?

Later.

Oh, my God.

I believed you for, like, a second.

Thank God you have a sense of humor

because I am totally stressed out.

We have, like, a million things to talk about today.

The guest list, the flowers, the locations.

You know, I had an appointment down at the golf course this afternoon.

No.

No golf courses. Country clubs are done to death.

I was thinking something more like...

Except nothing with too many flowers, because my grandmother is allergic to bees.

Oh, and I was thinking something next to a stream because I'm Pisces and that's fish science, so it'll be good luck.

You're not writing any of this down.

Scribble! Scribble!

Now, I want torches everywhere,

because fire balances water, and I defi...

want balance in my marriage, but none of those Hawaiian torches, okay? This is a wedding. It's

not a pig roast. No, everything has to be classy. Like the music?

The music before the service has to be a quartet,

and they should all be wearing tuxedos.

Except for the women, they should be wearing gowns,

but not white.

I could live with eggshell or pearl,

but that's pushing it.

Are you getting all of this?

Um, no B's.

Now, yay!

Hey, did you get the glue?

Yeah.

I stopped by the drugstore.

Man, I can't believe you took a personal day to finish his wedding program.

Let me show you what I gotta do 150 times.

Cut a little ribbon.

Right?

I make a tiny bowl.

I glue it to the wedding program and I spray it with just a hint.

of lavender, but not too much because it leaves a SPOT!

sometimes you gotta do it over again

man how long have you been at this six hours

Would have been done faster, but every five minutes or so,

I got to look down my pants to remind myself I'm still a man.

Wait a minute.

I thought you finished these yesterday.

It did.

But apparently I made a huge mistake and I got to redo all of them because Brooke.

Doesn't want to get married on March 29th.

She wants to get married on the 29th of March.

I hate her, Ernie. I hate her so much.

Hey, look what she did to my hand.

Brooke, it's 1 o'clock in the morning.

Like I told you at 12.30 and 12.45, I got everything under control.

No, you can't come over and look at the wedding programs.

I'm already in bed.

What do you mean I'm standing next to my chunky assistant?

oh hey don't look now but the hottest burglar ever is in your yard

What the hell is she doing here?

I couldn't sleep. We have so much to go over.

Now, I was thinking about the birds in the park,

and I don't want them flying during the ceremony.

They're going to be bombarding guests and eating the hors d'oeuvres,

so we need to get a scarecrow, but he's going to have to wear a tux.

That makes sense to me.

Hi, I'm Lan.

Tachanqui es este.

I'll be doing your fitting and it's okay if you get naked because I'm g*y

beat it Rosie O'Donnell

look I told you I have everything under control we can talk about these things in the morning

no George I'm not going to be able to sleep until we go over the seating chart okay now

I told you my parents are divorced and you put them at the same table

I told you my parents are divorced and you put them at the same table

All right, look, I'll move your mom to...

Table 11, and I'll bump your Aunt Ellen over to table 6.

Okay, is that at least 100 feet away from Uncle Peter?

Why?

Because he has a restraining order against her.

What are those?

Those are the second batch of wedding programs, huh?



Little ribbon, tiny bow with a hint of lavender.

Everything's perfect.

No, I wanted champagne ribbons.

These are gold.

You're going to have to redo all of these.

Why?

Why are you doing this to me?

Because you said I could have the wedding of my dreams,

and in my dreams, the ribbon is champagne.

Well, when do you dream? You're never asleep.

you're always calling me look there's no difference between gold and champagne and i'm not taking a

scarecrow to get fitted for a tux you know why god made you so pretty to cover up all that crazy

Hey, I don't know how many weddings you're juggling,

but obviously you're too stressed out to handle mine.

You're fired.

Thank you.

I will be back for the rest of these.

What is all that yelling?

What is Brooke doing over here at one in the morning?

She was so happy with my wedding programs,

she wanted to thank me in person,

so she's taken a box to show her friends.

That explains everything, right?

Is something going on?

Yeah.

There is.

I think it's obvious that I can do your job.

So let's call this whole thing up, okay?

Look, let's stop the fighting and start the love.

I don't care if there's so much wax in your eye

I can make a candle

I'll light it and set the mood

You don't realize

This is the easy stuff.

Things don't get tough until the day of the wedding.

I'm not gonna admit you can do my job

until Brooke walks down that aisle and says I do.

Just have to keep at it then.

Thanks for watching!

Are you crying?

A little bit.

But I'm just thinking about how beautiful the wedding's gonna be

Hi!

Brooke, give me a second chance to plan your wedding.

I don't think so.

Okay, you're not gonna find another planner this late.

I promise you, from here on in...

Everything will be perfect.

And you'll fix the programs?

I paid for them out of my own pocket.

Fine.

But if you make one more mistake,

You're fired.

Thank you.

You won't regret this.

You know, they say that dreams can't come true,

but those people never hired me.

The people in the story who said that dreams can't come true,

the naysayers of dreams.

I'm sorry, I've been working with glue all night.

smell your program welcome program yet a lot of work went into that

Smell your program.

smell your program

smell it

What are you two doing here?

I wanted to see if we're really going to pull this thing off.

And I came to check out the bridesmaids.

Well, you're out of luck, Vic.

The only single one isn't that easy on the ice.

Hi, George, please.

At this stage of my life, I want a companion.

Someone I can talk to, someone I can share my life with.

It's all made.

He's over there.

Ay, Dios mío, look at that horse face.

George, George.

Thank you.

Brooke, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

I don't feel beautiful.

My stomach's in a knot, my heart is racing,

and I'm sweating in this dress.

OK, listen to me, Brooke.

I've never seen a woman.

more amazing in a wedding dress right now than you

Ahem.

Sorry, baby, not your day. Deal with it.

A beautiful bouquet?

for a beautiful bride.

Whopper!

Just what I wanted, a dozen yellow...

Oh my god!

What?

There are 13 roses here. It's bad luck.

I'll take one out.

No, it's too late. I already held it.

It's okay.

I got a backup bouquet.

It's the same bouquet.

No, it's not, count the roses.

George, look, the damage is done, okay?

Just tell everybody to go home, and the wedding is off.

Because of a stupid superstition?

You don't understand.

Everything is supposed to be perfect.

This is an omen that my marriage is doomed,

and I'm going to get divorced, just like my parents

and everybody else in my family.

This is that emotional stuff I was talking about.

You're damn right it's emotional.

I tied tiny ribbons, I sprayed lavender, and you busted my a*s.

This isn't her wedding anymore. It's mine.

And I'm not going to let it ruin my special day.

Thank you for watching.

I think you're making a big mistake.

This wedding was a mistake, okay?

I can't do this.

Brooke, let me ask you something.

Do you love your fiance?

Do you want to spend your life with him?

Then how can you throw it all away just because people in your family got divorced?

George, you don't understand.

Everybody in my family is divorced.

My parents, my sister, my brother.

My cousin Cheryl is on her fourth marriage and that's not going to last because the guy's already cheating on her.

don't worry cheryl it's just a rumor

i don't want to be her just because your family's messed up

Doesn't mean you're going to repeat their mistakes.

My dad abandoned my mom and me when I was two,

but that didn't affect me and Angie.

We've been married for 19 years.

Wait.

Are you happy every day? Is it everything you wanted?

Is she behind me?

Then my marriage is perfect

And I'm happy like



Honey



George



And stop talking to me through the bathroom door

Because when I'm in there like that

That's George time

What my husband is trying to say is that you can't expect your marriage to be perfect.

If you do.

You're just going to be disappointed.

You're both going to make mistakes.

One of you might belittle the other one's job and...

Then your stupid pride's going to keep you from apologizing,

and then you end up

planning your first wedding and

You realize you're in way over your head.

So this is the first wedding you've ever planned?

Yeah, and you're wearing a white dress!

So we both stretch the truth a little.

Now.

Stop sweating the small stuff.

Okay, take this bouquet.

Walk down that aisle.

You make Anthony the second luckiest guy in the world.

Thanks, George.

Oh, man.

Beautiful.

Gorgeous.

Stay strong

There are no such thing as omens

Pick it up, pick it up

You got tense, didn't you?

You got tense, didn't you?

Lightning!

There was metal underwire in this dress

You'll be fine

This is your day

Start the car, this isn't going to end well

Start the car!

Where are you going?

Come back!

This is my day!

No!

I thought you were joking

I can't believe you wasted all the money you made from Brooke's wedding

I can't believe you wasted all the money you made from Brooke's wedding

I didn't waste it.

Hey, George, did you...

Oh, you got it.

Yeah, check it out.

Dude, that is awesome.

It's stupid.

Is it stupid that no matter where you go in the living room,

my eyes follow you?

That's art!

Why does it say 1 of 10 on here?

Go up to the bedroom.

Lie down.

And look up!

Happy birthday to you! I'll be like that with you.

Ha, ha, ha.