05x19 - George Gets Cross Over Freddie (1)

[bunniefuu]

Look at Max!

He knows he's not supposed to be on the internet when we're not at home.

What do you think he's looking at?

I don't know.

He's a boy. He's 14. He's alone.

I'm sure he's checking his stocks.

What?

What do you think he's looking at, Angie?

That's a magic box full of naked women.

Well, we'll never see.

He's so fast, the second we go in there,

he's gonna sign off.

Not this time.

what does it say it's not a website he's talking online to somebody named z girl relax that's zoe

She's 13. She lives in Chicago.

I met her in a chat room.

Max, this is the Internet.

For all you know, you could be talking to some old dude

who stands at the window all day

wearing boxers and eating cereal.

Mr. Vasquez across the street?

Yes.

He watched me mow the lawn yesterday.

It was hot, but I put my shirt back on

because no one gets this show for free.

What's with all the noise?

You just woke me up.

You left Max alone.

He was talking to some stranger on the Internet.

We pay to watch our kids not get drunk

and pass out on the couch.

Hey, I'm one for two.

Carmen's okay.

Is she still here?

Don't worry, okay?

The way she was dressed, she will get a ride home.

Can I please get back on the Internet?

I can show you Zoe's girl. She sent me her picture.

That picture could be fake.

Ernie uses Antonio Banderas' picture to pick up women online.

Then when he meets them, he tells them he gained weight for Zorro the later years.

Dad, you're wrong.

Zoe's a girl, and she gets me.

She LOLs at all of my jokes.

I'm going to show you the type of person you're really talking to.

What are you doing?

Pretending to be you.

What's your screen name?

RIP

to the max.

Okay, now there's only one thing you ripped.

Hmm.

Oh

Dude, I think the twins are switching on us.

Why would they do that?

They're testing us.

They want to make sure that we know they're different.

The challenge.

You need personalities.

here.

You take this.

and you put a mark on one of them

so we can tell the difference.

Thank you.

You want me to brand my date?

What are you wearing?

What are you doing?

I'm chatting with someone.

Yeah.

Someone who wants to know what you're wearing?

Who asks that?

I asked that.

You see?

Creepy.

That doesn't sound like Max.

Who's Max?

Relax, 14, he's my friend who lives in California.

I met him online.

Are you out of your mind?

You have no idea what kind of perverts hang out in these chat rooms.

People lie about themselves all the time, Zo.

And not just on the Internet.

I, uh...

know a guy who pretended to be homeless so he could

Meet this hot girl who worked at a soup kitchen.

Heh.

Yeah, yeah.

I totally had her until I invited her back to my penthouse.

Let's see how old Max really is.

Uncle Pretty.

I'm going to beat you.

All right.

Sure.

you're fourteen

As you sound.

Way more mature than any 14-year-old I know.

Thank you for watching.

You know he can't hear you.

I'm in character.

I am mature for my age.

আ দু লাট্স

of adult things.

Adult things? Oh, come on, this is no 14-year-old.

Yeah.

А мы тебе.

people.

only make age a big deal because they're trying to

stop you from doing stuff that's...

Fun!

There it is. You see that, Max? Anything fun is sexual.

True that.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Dad, that doesn't sound like Zoey.

Because I tricked Zoey into revealing his true identity.

Now I'm going to draw him out.

I like to do fun things too, like skateboarding.

Video games, oh.

Tickled parties.

This guy's a sicko.

Okay.

Let's see if he'll give up where he lives.

Chill me.

The address.

this

Tickle party.

I'll tell you where my...

Tickle spot is.

spot that's not a girl they never tell you where it is they try to make you

find it and when you can't they make you feel bad

Give me your address

And I'll give you mine.

Tch!

Sure.

Just give me yours first.

That's it?

He knows Armando, but he won't break.

Thanks for watching!

I knew it. I spooked him away.

I bet with this guy's email address, I can find out where he lives.

I'm going to call the cops on your a*s.

All my friends know the lowrider.

The lowrider is a little higher.

Officer, I don't think you're taking me seriously.

Is she talking to the police?

Yeah, we think a guy's stalking Max on the internet.

Oh, my God, that's horrible.

At least in Cuba there was no internet with strangers trying to lure you away.

If an old man put his hand in your pants,

he was looking for food.

Why were you walking around with food in your pants?

Why didn't you just use a paper bag?

and leave my dad without a briefcase?

I don't think so.

Max get down here

Thanks for watching!

I understand you're swamped, detective.



No wonder you're so behind.

Give me the phone. You're being too nice.

My son is being stalked on the internet!

No, I can't prove the guy's an adult. That's your job. Get off your lazy butt and do it.

Hey, don't threaten me with unpaid tickets.

There are a lot of George Lopez's in L.A.

Just try to find me.

Yeah, that's my address, but what room am I calling you from?

damn it the cops aren't gonna help us we're on our own

Okay.

Put a filter on the computer so now you can use it again.

Finally

You know, if I get an F on my history report,

It's because you wouldn't let me do research on the internet.

You could have gone to the library and opened up a book.

Why is everything a joke to you?

okay but from now on you can't i am anyone or go into any chat room without my approval

and only i know the secret password

Is it whopper?

Not anymore.

This isn't fair.

Why can't you guys trust me?

Max.

Honey, you're only 14. You're still a little naive.

No, I'm not.

Max, I get you every time with that fake stain thing.

I would do it right now if you didn't already have a big one right there.

Hello.

Well, at least I'm not the guy who has magic underwear to help the Raiders win.

Hey, I know my underwear don't have any magic powers.

That's when someone bleached the magic right out of him.

Spring freshness.

Da loca, spring freshness!

Mom and dad won't let me use the internet.

I think I'm talking to some old perp.

Well, that's sad.

There's a desperate old perv out there who can't get anyone but you?

It's a girl.

Hey.

Can I use your cell phone to email her?

Um...

Normally I'd say no

But there's a chance you could be wrong and get abducted.

So here.

Thank you.

Takk for at du så med.

Thanks for watching!

Thank you.

Sorry about that.

My parents kicked me off.

Thank you.

That's okay.

My uncle has a business trip to L.A., and I'm going to ask if I can go with him.

We can actually meet.

That would.

O Zé...

잘가

Dad!

What are you thinking?

I told you not to talk to this guy anymore! Max, you're grounded!

Dad, stop freaking out! It's a girl!

This is how people my age hook up.

It's not like when you and mom were dating,

you just went down to the disco and did the two...

You

Let's make one thing clear. Your mother and I never did drugs,

and we never, ever set foot in a disco.

This is a metal family.

That's why your name is Max, the loudest setting on an amplifier.

You were almost reverb Lopez.

Dad, I'm gonna talk to Zoey.

I'll just use one of my friends' phones at school if I have to.

You can't stop me.

And we'll see about that.

Wow.

You raised your voice and you gave him a vague...

Threat?

You did everything they told you to do

in Weak Parenting Magazine.

No, please, please, don't give me that disappointed look.

It affects my self-esteem.

I think seeing you climbing out of a trucker's cab at dawn with your clothes on backwards would take care of that.

Man, the guy after Max is coming to L.A.

All right, fool, come out here.

I'll set a trap and take care of you once and for all.

Zoey.

I said I don't want you talking to this guy.

He's not what you think.

You'll see when we meet him in L.A.

Oui.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You're not going anywhere.

This is a business trip.

Mike, are you...

Because he's my business partner.

And I can get him into the Playboy Mansion.

dude you scored that

We'll be right back.

Come on, man. You know how smooth I am. I just called him up. I was like, yo.

Chris and Freddy are rolling into town.

How much?

It's five grand apiece and we're g*y designers from Germany.

but not so g*y we can't be turned

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

What?

I can't wait to meet you in LA. I even know a place where we can be alone.

This guy doesn't give up.

All right, dirtbag.

Sounds great. I'll email you when I get there.

When this guy gets to Ernie's apartment, Mom,

I'm gonna beat the crap out of him.

You want me there for backup?

you know mom i would but at ernie's apartment they don't allow pets

i think i can handle this myself

Are you kidding me?

Come on, George. You got your lunch money stolen by that little girl next door who had a hole in her heart.

Hey, when you got nothing to lose, you fight that way.

I thought her oxygen tank would slow her down,

but she wrapped that hose around my neck,

and I was all like that.

Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

No!

I know, huh?

Hey.

Have you heard from the Predator?

Is he in L.A. yet?

Shh, no, man, keep it down.

I didn't tell Angie because I don't want her to worry.

Yeah.

Hey, it's scary with all those creeps on the Internet.

Things were a lot simpler when we were kids.

You knew who the bad guys were.

They'd show up in a van and ask you to help them find their puppy, you know?

That happen to you?

No, I was too fat.

Yeah, the van slowed down and looked at me,

but then kept right on going.

I tried to jump in one time,

but Tabato locked the door from the inside.

He's here.

Thank you.

Can't wait to meet you.

Thank you.

I'm at 6739 Magnolia, apartment 2B.

My parents are out of town.

Hey, wait a minute! That's my apartment!

What are the neighbors gonna think when some creepy, weird dude shows up?

I don't know. What did they think when you moved in?

Where are you guys going?

Uh, we're gonna pick up a...

Overtime shift at the factory

George.

What's going on? Where are you really going?

Out, okay? Out.

Ernie?

Where are you going?

If you lie to me, I will be very, very sad.

we're gonna go beat up Max's online pervert.

Dude, I can't lie to her.

I don't know how you do it all the time.

Baby, I only lie.

protect

Don't give me that crap.

You're just afraid to tell me the truth because you don't think I can handle it.

Okay.

Want to know some truth? Here's this.

You know why we got the house so cheap?

Because a horrible crime was committed here.

Here's a hint.

There may be something to that frightened old lady who runs through your dreams.

Oh no!

Well, now I want to move.

Are you kidding?

We'll never sell this house.

There was a bloodbath here.

I can't believe you lured Max's stalker here.

I'm going to call the police.

They will handle this.

You already tried that.

The cops aren't going to do anything until it's too late.

I'm going to solve this the Lopez way.

When are you going to admit there's no Lopez Way?

That's just what you say right before you do something stupid or wrong.

You got a better idea?

No, but I think we should talk about this.

Yeah, what's that, the Angie way?

Talk, talk, talk until you come up with a reasonable solution.

Well, we're not going to do that this time.

You are not going to walk out that door.

Yes, I am.

Ernie and I are going to make sure that this guy never messes with any kids anymore!

You don't know what you're getting into.

What if this guy stands his ground and fights?

We're prepared.

Right, Ernie?

Yeah, that's right.

Watch out.

Cup check.

Cup check.

Oh!

Yeah, man.

Hey, man, you don't say cup check unless you're wearing one.

I never played sports, George.

I don't know.

Yeah, man.

What the hell are you doing?

Yeah, I always warm up before I kick butt, eh?

Listen, I'll take care of this guy, all right?

You just stand behind me and look like my tough friend.

Oh, all right.

you know what man just watch tv oh

hey if that's him don't say anything just buzz him in yeah it's either him or the pizza i ordered

ernie well i didn't know how long this was gonna go

Dude, can't you go an hour without cheese?

Okay, this is it.

I'm gonna knock on the door. When the guy opens it, we grab him.

I got to be honest.

I'm as committed to this as you are, but it's very important to me that nothing above the neck or below the

waist is in any danger.

Chris, we've got the element of surprise.

This guy's expecting a 13-year-old girl,

and I've seen you fight.

You're at least a 15-year-old girl.

A 15-year-old girl whose Pilates instructor

says he has the strongest core in the...

Class.

Is that you, Zoey?

Crack your voice.

It's me, Max.

Can you believe this guy?

Who does he think he's kidding?

Yes, this is Joey!

Let me in. I want to hug you.

Come on in. The door's open. I want to hug you, too.

Thank you.

Zoe!

Max!

Bird!

Give up!

No way!

You give up, old man!

I'm not old!

I just look old to you because I'm not 14.

Hey, hey, hey.

You don't want any of this.

man. Dude, not that table. That's rent to own.

This is hot sauce.

You don't want this in your face.

Oh, dude, you picked the wrong guy, man.

I got hot sauce on my face most of the time anyway.

Give it up, Pearl.

You're the one after my son.

Oh, yeah, right, your son.

I know you're really Max.

Whatever you say, Zoe.

Zoe's my niece.

Yeah, prove it.

I got a picture of her in my wallet.

I got a reach in my pocket to get it unless you want to do it.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

You see?

That's me, Zoey, and her mom on her birthday.

I made that cake.

Actually.

It was a chocolate raspberry torte with a rose petal sorbet.

Now I'm really afraid of you.

Man, that's the girl in the picture Max showed me.

Let's see some pictures of your kid.

right

Family barbecue.

That's my son, Max, my daughter, Carmen, and that's my wife, Angie.

Hello.

man she's pretty

Is that a garden gnome with a cigarette in its mouth?

Nah, man, that's my mom.

I guess the kids really were talking to each other online.

Guess this was all a mistake.

Hey.

You dodged a b*llet today, Holmes.

Yeah, sure.

So

What does rent-to-own mean?

I don't know.

So, uh...

No hard feelings?

Cool.

Hey, why don't we grab a couple of beers, man, and just forget all about this?

Yeah, sounds good.

Yeah, I mean...

You know, I just need a minute to take out my cup.

Oh, me too. Yeah, me too.

Good news.

Zoe really is a girl.

I met her uncle, and he invited us to Chicago

so you two can meet.

No way! That's so cool!

WAIT

Isn't this where you say you were wrong?

Fax, I was looking out for you, and I'd do it again because you're still a naive boy.

I'm 14. I'm almost a man. I can take care of myself.

Everyone knows you're not a man until your hand is bigger than your face.

Thank you.

Still sore on yourself?

Hello.