04x23 - George Stare-oids Down Jason

[bunniefuu]

Yeah?

I'm Brad.

So you know who you are.
Now here comes the tough one...

Why are you here?

I'm here to pick up Jason
for football camp.

Oh, right.
Come on in.

Yo, Jason,
your ride's here!

So, what side of the ball
you play on, son?

Uh, I've got
a girlfriend.

Not that.

Offensive line
or defensive line?

Actually, i'm
a quarterback.

You're a quarterback?

I know I'm a little small.

I got hurt,

and I couldn't hit the
weight room like I wanted to.

Yeah, I know
what that's like.

I got hurt in high school
during a game.

I remember.

We're in the stands
making fun of the band geeks.

One of them snapped
and went after George.

Even with the tuba and
the big hat, he ran you down.

Brad, can I get you
something to drink?

No, ma'am.

Okay.

Enjoying the show,
desperate housewife?

George, please...

Those tall athletes
do nothing for me.

I prefer your build.

I'll go see
what's keeping Jason.

Why don't you
go get Carmen up?

Look, you know, you don't need
to lift weights.

I got a whole bunch of trees
in my backyard

that need to be dug up.

How does 20 bucks
an hour sound?

That sounds pretty good.

Hey.

You seem like a nice kid,
so I'll give you a heads up --

you're gonna get there, there
are not gonna be any trees.

There'll be
a camera set up.

She'll offer you
some lemonade.

Don't drink it.

Uh, I'm gonna wait
in the car.

Mm-hmm.

Jason's not on the couch.

Did you guys see him
go out this morning?

George: What are you
doing in there?!

I'm gonna k*ll you!
What is going on?

I caught them
in bed together.

Dad, we didn't
do anything.

You better think about
what you're gonna say to god

because you're gonna
meet him today!

Cramp! Cramp! Cramp!

How could this happen?

You let her dress
like a tr*mp.

You move her boyfriend
into the house.

You did everything right.

Dad, I swear to god
nothing happened

it was an accident.

We were listening to music,
and we fell asleep.

I'm just so tired with football
camp and the weight room,

we just crashed.

Come over here, I'll help you
sleep for a month.

All right, George,
you're too angry.

Let's all calm down and talk
about this like adults.

This is stupid.

I'll see
if they did anything.

No, nothing.

She still got
that dumb, goofy look.

If she had hooked up
with that,

she would be, like,
glowing.

Mr. Lopez...

You took me into your home.
I wouldn't betray you that way.

And besides,
you'd be able to hear us.

I mean, we can hear
everything you're doing.

You had to be
a screamer.

You know, I don't think
they did anything, George.

It's hard to hook up with
your parents in the house.

Sometimes you get
so close,

and then your mom walks by
with her robe open,

eating a Turkey leg,
and the moment's gone.

Look, you fell asleep
in Carmen's room.

You broke the rules.
You can't live here anymore.

But, daddy, we didn't --

no! You can't have
a society without rules.

A society without rules is like
an inner-city high school

before the black angry principal
shows up with a bat.

But Jason has
to finish football camp.

If I don't finish camp,
my dad will k*ll me.

He expects me to be
a starter in college.

You should have
thought of that

before you fell asleep
in Carmen's room.

Your dad's coming into town.
He can just take you with him.

Dad, please, it was one time.
It will never happen again.

Okay.
You know what?

Maybe I overreacted.

Why don't you two go upstairs
and take a shower

and massage each other
and see where that leads.

I know when
you're being sarcastic.

That's because you're
the smartest teenager

who ever lived!

* all my friends
know the low rider *

What are you doing?

When Jason's dad finds out
we're throwing his kid out,

he's not gonna want
to have dinner with us.

I don't plan to tell him
until after dinner.

I want to wine him
and dine him,

then we hit him with the bill
for all of Jason's expenses,

then after we get the money,
we give him the bad news.

I had another plan on getting
the money, but that might work.

What was your plan?

I was gonna steal a bunch
of Jason's underwear,

sell it on the Internet
when he makes it to the NFL.

What kind of an idiot buys
an athlete's underwear?

Some guys want to be close
to their heroes.

I know one guy
who's a factory manager

who's got Fernando valenzuela's
boxers at work.

You're keeping
his underwear at work?

That's disgusting!

You know, you say
you want intimacy,

but yet, you don't
make it safe for me.

I'm hungry.
Where's Mr. Moneybags?

We were supposed to eat
a half-hour ago.

Maybe his private jet
was delayed.

Or maybe he fell asleep
listening to music

in his girlfriend's
bedroom.

We told you,
nothing happened.

Jason's dad really wants him
to finish football camp,

so if he asks you to give
Jason a second chance,

couldn't you
at least listen?

I'm a rock.

I cannot be moved.

Once I set my mind to it,
no one can make me change it.

Once I get like this,
watch out.

Sorry I'm late.
I'm Blaine McNamara.

Nice to meet you, sir.
This is my wife -- Angie.

Hi.

Oh, I would have thought

you were Carmen's sister.

You call that smooth?
He sounds insane.

There she is.

Oh, you'd be even more beautiful
if you'd only smile.

Hi, Mr. McNamara.

There it is.

Blaine, this
is our son -- Max.

Well, look at the mop
on this one, huh?

Don't you let anybody tell you
to cut your hair

until it's time
to cut your hair.

It's time
to cut your hair.

Hey, dad.

Hello, son.

Ooh, ooh,
good, firm handshake.

The trainer must be making
some progress with you.

Let's see your calves.

Not here, dad.

What? I'm paying good money
for this trainer.

If it'll make you
feel better,

I'll do it
at the same time.

Your white customs
are very strange

to the people
of my valley.

Spoken like a man
with toothpick legs.

Oh, yeah?

Did someone order up
some chocolate thunder?

Ooh!

George...

No one wants to see
your chocolate thunder,

your thighs of steel,

or your Mexican jumping
butt cheeks.

Let's eat, huh?

I, uh, I can't thank you enough
for taking my boy in.

We agree, that's why
we want money.

Angie, give him
the kid's bill.
George!

I'm sorry.

What my husband is trying to say
is that we're on a budget,

and your son's expenses were
a bit more than we expected.

The kid eats like kirstie alley
with a tapeworm.

We broke the bill down into
food, utilities, and labor.

What kind of labor?

Well, helping Jason
with his homework,

cheering him on
at his games.

It's hard to put a dollar figure
on encouragement.

But we did,
and here it is.

Well, I hope
you didn't think

I wasn't gonna cover
my son's room and board.

I pay my bills.

Now this should cover Jason's
expenses so far.

Thank you.
We really appreciate it.

And this should cover
Jason's expenses

in the event
that you could keep him

for another three months
until he goes to college.

Look, sir, Jason broke a major
house rule this morning, okay?

And I don't think --
$10,000, I can't believe it!

Holy cow.
I'm just gonna say this --

do you need a mistress?

No.

So, whatever rule
Jason broke

I think can be
overlooked now, right?

I think I know what you're
trying to do with this check,

and let me say
to you, sir --

bravo.

What happened?
Can he stay?

I told his dad we had
to think about it.

Dad, please.
Let him stay.

Jason's the most important thing
in my life right now,

And if this doesn't
happen, I don't know.

I just don't know.

Carmen, please don't cry.

I hate when you do that
because as a father,

it tears me up inside
because you're my little girl,

And I love you so much.

That's how you do it.
Lesson's over.

Why don't you two
go into the living room?

Your father
and I need to talk.

What are you thinking?

I don't like the idea
of some rich guy coming in here

and trying to buy me off.

But when it actually happens
and you see the check,

it's not so offensive.

Daddy, you're back already?
How was Vegas?

I haven't slept
in three days,

I reek of booze and cigarette,
and lost all my money.

Can't wait to go back.

So, how was your weekend?

We caught Jason and Carmen
in bed together.

We were gonna kick
Jason out of the house,

but then his dad
offered us 10 grand

to keep him here
for the summer.

That's not good.

What would you do, daddy?

Well, you have
to ask yourself --

do you think you did
a good job as a parent?

Did you instill the right
values in your children?

Ultimately...

Do you think you raised Carmen
well enough to trust her?

Carmen, bad news!

Tell Jason
to pack his things!

I'll call his dad
and ask him to pick him up.

Why are you carrying
your backpack like that?

'Cause you said to take
better care of my stuff.

Max, what's
in the backpack?

Just books.

Oh, way to go.

You just spilled
a cup of my pee!

What?

For seven years,
it was in his bed.

Now it's in his backpack.

Oh!

There's whiz all over
my book report.

Max, why is there urine
in your backpack?

Somebody paid me for it.

Who would do that?

You know, there's drug testing
at the factory next week.

I'm gonna say
something to you

that I haven't said
to anyone in years.

Is my mom buying your pee?

Jason: It's your fault
he's kicking me out!

Carmen:
Jason, calm down!

You want to tell my dad
what happened?

He's gonna k*ll me!

What's going on
in here?

I knocked over a lamp.
My dad will pay for it.

You don't yell
at my daughter that way.

This is between
me and Carmen.

No, this is between
you and me now.

Jason, stop.

Carmen, what happened?
I've never seen Jason like that.

I don't know.

It's been happening ever since
he started football camp.

It's like he just gets
so angry out of nowhere.

Mood swings...

Aggressiveness...

Smashing things...

Either he's doing drugs
or he's my ex-wife.

No, he's not doing drugs.

Plus they test for drugs
at the camp.

Did you sell Jason
your pee?

Yeah, but I thought

he was just gonna put it
in water balloons

and throw it at girls.

You know, teenage stuff.

Hey, look,
what are you doing?

You can't go through
Jason's stuff!

What's this?

Testosterone cypionate.

The boy's doing steroids.

You better go after him.

Well, give me,
like, six of these,

because I want
to be able to catch him.

Where's Jason?

I couldn't find him.

How could
you not find him?

Just 'cause he's on steroids

doesn't mean there's a trail
of overturned cars

and giant footprints
leading down the street.

Why George chase Jason?

Jason want alone.

I love Jason, but I am feeling
a lot better

about our decision to get
him out of the house.

Hey.

You will never do steroids,
you understand?

They will mess you up.

Believe me.
I'm not gonna do any drugs.

If my pee isn't pure,
I'm out of business.

You're out
of business now.

Go upstairs
and flush your inventory.

I-I got Angie's message.
I am so sorry.

Come on in.

Why didn't
you tell me at dinner

that you found them
in bed together?

I never would have offered you
the money to keep Jason.

I know you wouldn't trade
your daughter's sexual innocence

for $10,000.

Of course not.
No.

After I called you, Carmen
and Jason got into a fight,

and Jason stormed
out of the house.

I'll try calling him
on his cell.

Lots of drama
at that age, huh?

It's worse
than you think.

You know...

Jason's doing steroids.

Well, that's okay.

I'm the one who got him
the trainer

who put him
on the regimen.

What?

Look, if he's gonna play
division-one football,

he's gonna be up against
some 300-pound monsters.

If he doesn't bulk up,
he's gonna get k*lled.

But the kid's got roid rage.
He screamed at my daughter.

He almost started
a fight with me.

He even broke one
of my family's antique lamps.

We can put a dollar figure
on this later.

Let me tell you something --

this is none of your business.
Let me worry about my son.

You've got your hands full
with your daughter.

What's that supposed
to mean?

Jason told me
about her running away

and getting kicked
out of school last year.

Look, my daughter
may have problems,

but at least
she's not on steroids.

So if she becomes
impotent, angry,

and gets hair in all the wrong
places, that's genetic.

She gets that
from her grandmother.

A trainer
is watching over Jason.

I don't know how you
do things at the factory,

but one thing I've learned
is that sometimes

you have to take a little risk
in order to succeed.

I know about success.

That private jet that you flew
in on has landing gear.

You know who runs the factory
that makes that landing gear?

Me.

You guys do the landing gear
for gulfstream?

You got
one of the big ones?

When Jason shows up,
call me.

Look, let me
tell you something --

a good parent will do
anything he can

to give his son
the competitive edge.

Look, my son doesn't need
a competitive edge.

He just made 200 bucks today
selling your kid pee.

I can't believe
Jason's taking that crap.

What did his dad say?

His dad made him do it.
Doesn't think he's big enough.

God, I hate that guy!

Nothing Jason ever does
is good enough for his dad.

Why does he keep trying
to please him?

Well, when you're a kid
who never gets love,

you'll do anything for it.

When I was little,

I thought about
setting myself on fire...

So my mom would wrap me
in a blanket and hold me.

Oh, my god, dad.
That's horrible.

Well, you and mom love me
unconditionally, right?

You know, Carmen, we won't
know that until you're on fire.

Can I come in?

Are you gonna
freak out again?

No, I'm cool now.

Are you, canseco?

Look, I'll let you in
if you promise...

Jason no hurt George.

George friend to Jason.

Okay.

What are you thinking, dude?

I'm sorry I lost it.

I just came back
to get my stuff.

I'll call my dad.

He'll probably have me
go live with the trainer.

So, you're gonna
keep doing steroids?

How else
am I gonna get bigger?

Man, do it old school --
lift weights.

You might have to work
twice as hard,

but that way
you can walk around the gym

with your head held high
and your huevos down low.

Because you know this junk
makes them go like -- whoop!

Look, I got to do it.
I can't let my dad down.

Look, Jason, you may have
to face the fact

that you may never
get his approval.

I've been waiting my whole life
for my mom to give me one

"way to go, George,"
or "good boy,"

or "I'm so proud of you."

Mr. Lopez, I think
your mom's proud of you.

Why, what did she say?
You heard her say something?

Look, I appreciate you
trying to help,

but I really don't
have a choice in this.

Yeah, you do.

If you tell your dad
you're not gonna do steroids,

I'll let you live here.

Are you serious?
Oh, that would be awesome.

But, you know,
if I stand up to him,

he's not gonna give you
the 10 grand.

Oh, yeah, maybe that isn't
the best solution.

No, no, no.
Wait, wait, um...

I'll get a part-time job
and pay for my expenses.

Come on. I won't break
any more rules.

Please, Mr. Lopez.

If you make it to the NFL,
I'm gonna need you

to sign some underwear
and give them to me.

What kind of idiot buys
an athlete's underwear?

All right,
I'm done opening up.

Here's the deal --

you stay in the garage.
You never go to Carmen's room.

You don't even go
to the second floor.

You shower in the yard
with the hose.

You can use the dog
as your towel.

Thanks so much,
Mr. Lopez.

Hey, no crush George.

Should I go apologize
to Carmen?

Call your dad first.

Okay.

So, he's calling his dad
to come pick him up?

Um...

No, he's calling his dad
to tell him he's gonna...

Stay here.

What?

I don't believe this.

You just decided that
the kid who had roid rage,

bought our son's pee,
and slept in our daughter's room

is going to be staying
with us,

and you didn't even
talk to me about it?

Why do you got to say it
like that, all negative?

That's why the kids
come to me,

because I love them
unconditional.