02x05 - Pentagon

[bunniefuu]

Chocolate coins!
Who wants to buy chocolate coins?

f*ck, Pirmin. You can't be dead.

You have to be there
for your wife and your child.

They need you now,
you gotta change diapers.

You can't weasel out of this, bro.

f*ck...

You were more than a partner to me.

You're my only friend.

And your mango chutney's the best!

Really?

Pirmin?

Your only friend?

Pirmin, you're alive?

Bulletproof vests are
a good invention.

I thought you were dead!

There was a gunfight.
They're on the 5th floor, room 503.

I think I broke a rib.

f*ck, you shot me in the arm,

so stop whining.

Are you alright?

I'm alright.

Bax and the other one,
the fat one, what's his name?

- Who, Pirmin?
- Exactly.

They can't be far away. C'mon!

I'll check the other side.

sh*t! She's getting away.

Hurry, we have to follow her.

Thanks.

C’mon!

- She drives worse than you do!
- Shut up!

Bax, do you think I'm fat?

No, you're just sturdy.

Not sturdy-strong. Know what I mean?

You smell like booze,
have you been drinking?

No.

We're trying to save the Valais
and you're smashed?

Even in this condition
my aim's way better than yours.

That's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you're so convinced
that my aim is sh*t

then my aim will be sh*t.

Why can't you just
believe in me for a change?

Because you shot me in the arm,
you fat prophet.

So now I'm fat after all, or what?

No, you're not fat, Pirmin.

sh*t. Shush...

She's stopping.

Hello, ladies.

I'm the king!

A bit more... Yeah...

I can't do it, Ms Brotz.

Really?

I knew you'd need my help one day.

Come on, untie us.

Did you let yourself get beat up?

- Hello?
- Yes, Annette.

Pirmin, where are you?

Gerda's got the key
and is taking it to the sect.

- sh*t.

- They're going to
detonate any minute.

Where are you?

At the Christ King statue.
But we can't do it on our own.

Don't worry, I'm bringing reinforcement.

Ms Brotz?

Yes, she's on our side.

sh*t. Come, I have an idea.

We need weapons.

A lot of weapons.

Oh, hi there.

I'm glad you're here.

I didn't know the rave
had a dress code.

Ouch, my rib.

Hi.

Tell me when you see Gerda.

Shut up, they're looking at us.

Of course they're looking.
Look at yourself.

Never mind,
we need to get the key.

Is that Gerda?

No, look at those stubby fingers.

Really?

♫ The water flooded the earth

♫ and Noah went into the ark with his sons

♫ his wife

♫ and the wives of his...

Seriously?

♫ The water flooded the earth

♫ and Noah went into the ark with his sons

Suddenly I heard it.

When you hear such a rasping sound
it's either Scheggi's tuned scooter

or Didi from bowling.

Is that Didi?

Which Didi? Rasper?

♫ The water flooded the earth

♫ and Noah went into the ark with his sons

- ♫ his wife
-Didi?

Didi, is that you?

f*ck this sh*t.

What the f*ck?

Didi, you love the Valais.

The Rhone, the mountains, the wine!
Why do you want to destroy this?

The Valais isn't what it used to be.

- Bullshit, Didi!
- No, believe me.

People are blinded by mass tourism

and poisoned by the
pharmaceutical industry.

Bullshit, take off
the f*cking tinfoil hat, Didi.

We're giving
the Valais a fresh start.

A fresh start? Millions of dead people.
What about your friends?

I'm among friends here.

♫ The water flooded the earth

Stop it!

Don't listen to him!

He fell from the balcony as a kid
and landed on his head.

He has a screw loose.

Didi! Don't do that! Didi, come on!

Let's have a glass of wine
at the Frohheim! Didi.

♫ and the wives of his sons

f*ck! What's that?

Take out the key!

- ♫ The water flooded the earth
- Thank God!

Don't do that!

Take out the key!

f*ck!

- Does that thing fly?
- Yes.

Yeah, but Fricker
hasn't flown it yet.

His corneal curvature’s terrible.

Nothing to do with the foreskin.

You work on a crane, right?

No.

Do you have any idea
how afraid of heights I am?

I can't do that.

Back in a moment.

What the hell?

You looking for the weed?

Listen, you little sh*t.

If you don't want us all to drown

you'd better tell me
where the weed is.

First I want to see your pretty t*ts.

Go on.

I haven't got all day.

How can this thing be stopped?

Nobody can stop God's plan.

We gotta go to the dam
and stop the expl*si*n.

Bax, it's over.

Where are they?

Juni, fly lower!

Is he smoking weed?

Closer, Juni,
further down. A bit closer.

C’mon!

- Bax, come on!
- Closer, that's not close enough!

I bet you can do it.

And you know already:

If there's a bet to be won,
nothing can stop me.

Order a coupe Denmark
with extra chocolate.

I was among the best in long jump.

But with winds like this,

even Simon Ammann
would've been blown off course.

Wait, don't leave yet.

I'm OK, I'm not hurt!

Bax, your feet!

Yeah, greet your wife too!

OK, up!

Pirmin!

Pirmin!

No!

Up a bit. Up!

The head's coming,
we're almost there.

You're doing great,
keep it up!

You OK?

No!

Pirmin shot me in the arm

and it was not cool of you
to leave me behind.

You can't toy
with my feelings that way!

I'm a sensitive, insecure person.

Like a small, tender flower
that needs lots of...

Bax, we gotta split now.

We gotta find the blasting chambers
and stop the mechanism.

You go left, I go right. OK?

Yeah.

Bax...

Take care.

Chillwave.

And then I suddenly caught a whiff.

Apricot, lavender with a tinge of vanilla.
Tchibo magazine, half price.

I can smell your perfume from here, Gerda.

Take off your f*cking mask!

f*ck!

I never wanted it to end like this.

You broke my heart...

I don't give a damn anymore,
just sh**t me.

Bax, don't!

Even though it was hard for me

to see my great love
in this state,

it helped me.

Because I got to the point
where I could see

Gerda and I were just
not going to work out anymore.

Bax! The access to
the blasting chamber's been blocked!

We can't do anything!
We won't get in!

It's impossible.
It’ll blow up any moment!

And through the water?

There should be floodways.

Not a chance, Bax.
They're 25 metres below the surface.

No way to get there
without special equipment.

Not even Tom...

...Cruise...

Believe me, I was born
with special equipment.

And I don't think much
of those Scientology guys.

A good cop's always got a pen on him.

♫ 13 stars, our coat of arms
13 stars, red and white.

♫ The Valais too has 13 stars
...'cause it's also my homeland.

♫ 13 stars with edges
Rough edges like the people of the Valais.

♫ 13 stars our coat of arms
The most beautiful stars far and wide.

Sorry, they told me
you'd sleep for a while.

So I took your coupe Denmark.

Pretty tasty! Anyway,
you still owe me a bulldozer.

What happened?

You almost drowned.

They fished you out of
the jacuzzi at the Leuk spa.

Didn't you learn to swim at school?

- Pirmin.
- Bax!

What happened?

- How are you?
- What about the dam?

What dam?

The one they wanted to blow up.

Bax, you're a f*cking hero!
You saved the Valais.

I don't get it.

He said I almost
drowned in a jacuzzi.

That's the official version.
Instructions from the top.

From the Pentagon?

No. Federal Council.

They had to make
a diplomatic decision

to keep the story under wraps.

It would be bad
for Switzerland and Italy.

There would be no winners.

The damage to the image
on both sides would be too big.

What about the damage to my image?

Couldn't you come up
with a better story

than drowning in a jacuzzi?

Apparently not. And it was
in all the f*cking newspapers.

They'll soon forget about it.

...Jacuzzi accident.

Yesterday a policeman almost drowned
in the jacuzzi at the Leuk spa.

It's the same policeman

who was involved in the
child beater case a few weeks ago.

Well, Michelle,
I'd say karma struck back.

That could be...

Look, it's just important that
nobody learns about the real story.

Yeah, but...

Bax, may I present?

BJ.

BJ?

Yes, because of you. Bax junior.

You know what BJ means, right?

sh*t!

I told you it seemed familiar
from those porn sites.

Well, that's how it is...

A good cop doesn't need a revolver,

a badge and a uniform.

Most of all, a cop
needs the following

good friends.

And he always has a pen on him.

Couldn't you just've stuck
in your tiny d*ck?

What about Annette?
Are you together now?

Bax, we gotta go.

So, don't forget,
don't walk before the car...

has come to a stop.

Bye.

f*ck the police!

- How did it go?
- Great!

Do they still know the zebra song?

Yes, the zebra song went pretty well.

Listen.

I know you're desperate
to tell this story to someone.

But you know we'd have to join
the witness-protection programme

if it gets out.

And I really don't feel like...

It won't get out.

Calm down.

Come, BJ's waiting.

If Biffiger had seen
how we worked together

these past few days,

how we were there for each other,

he would've seen that
his work is bearing fruit.

He truly united us.

But Diego'd never say
that he's proud of us.

Diego never said that.

First, he'd drink a
glass of white wine

and then he'd say:

"Well done, colleagues!

Well done!"

And...

"Don't fear anyone,
but respect everyone."

Amen.

The mourners are

cordially invited to the reception.

The reception has been provided
by courtesy of the Federal Council.

The Federal Council?

Hey, are you high at a funeral?

It's from all the crying.

This is pretty distressing for me.

I've always liked that about you.

You're a man who
can show his feelings

and doesn't hide them from the world.

Valmira, did you see?

2.5 million views.

- Did you buy Indian likes again?
- No. It really went viral.

Sitting in the Panda, dollar bills,
money, money... Hey, look.

Valmira...

Gucci, Gucci, Prada, Prada.

Something smells bad,
did you change his diapers?

That weed you gave me
was pretty good.

What did you do?

Special situations
require special measures.

It was just a little weed.

In 10 years' time
he'll be a junkie anyway.

Hand over BJ, now.

See, now he's crying.

Pirmin,

you really impressed us
with your bowling skills.

I've never seen Diego so proud.

Go ahead, Ludi, ask him.

We're looking for a new member
for our bowling club.

I'm not sure,
now that I have a baby...

Come on, darling,
Dad would've been so happy.

I'll think it over...

Ms Brotz, is this a parking
space for the disabled?

It's called a "parking space
for people with special needs".

And what special needs do you have?

I just wanted to check
on a delicate flower

that I hurt.

Not good enough.
I must give you a ticket.

Are you paying cash
or do you want an invoice?

Bax, writing tickets isn't your job.

I'm very impressed by what you did.

Call me if you're in Bern.

Then we can sip a coffee
from a plastic cup.

Nice try. But you
won't get off so easily.

That'll be 40 francs.

And I don't go to
the city that often.

OK, Bax, all the best.

Ms Brotz...

I know it was you,
who fished me out of the jacuzzi.

Thanks.

"I don't go to the city that often."

She invited you on a date.

No way.

Of course.

- You think so?
- Yes.

Yes, but...

But it takes at least 2.5 hours
by train to Bern.

I don't know my way around that city.

Then I'll have to find
a hotel for the night?

You always act as if
you're a tough cop

but when it comes to women

you sh*t your pants.

There's nothing you can
teach me about women.

Now go and change diapers
for the next two years

and set up your new office.

- I declined.
- What? Why?

I'd rather be on the road
with my partner than stuck in the office.

So you'll keep tagging along?

Yeah.

Well, part-time.

Regina will be working too.

- She'll continue to teach?
- Yes.

Maybe you'd better go back
to the school library too.

At least you can't sh**t anyone
in the arm there.

f*ck you.

What are you doing with your phone?

Do you have a half-fare travel card?

What do I need
a half-fare travel card for?

I'm buying you a
train ticket to Bern.

No way. Give it to me.

Stop it!

There's no way I'm going by train,
I'll take the car.

Have you checked
its carbon footprint?

You can't do that these days.

What? 100 francs for an
economy class ticket?

See, it's f*cking expensive.
Forget it, I'm not going to Bern.

sh*t... Sorry!

What should I search for, dude?

The road's in front of me.
I don't know what to search for!

Not “search”, man... "Curse"!

My mind's gone blank.

Tell us now...

Tell us...

Tell us how...

I can't pronounce that.

I'm sorry.

Rookie.

That's so mean!

I love the Valais...
No, sorry.

f*ck, stupid flies.

sh*t, what's going on?!