04x08 - Trouble in Paradise

[bunniefuu]

I can't do it.

Sure you can.

It's one more piece of pie.

Just undo the top button
on your pants like me.

Ohh.

I just can't pick up
and move to Colorado.

But I just got the job.

I thought you were okay
with this.

Look, Angie, everybody's
coming for Thanksgiving.

But it's completely
overwhelming.

Let's just forget for a moment
that the kids hate it.

We have to sell our house,
move our bank accounts,

find new doctors
and dentists.

I have to call my clients

and tell them I'm out of the
wedding-planning business.

You don't have to give up
being a wedding planner.

I mean, I know this is
supposed to be paradise,

but people probably
get married here anyway.

You really think
this town's big enough

to support
something like that?

Hey, winnie, is anybody
in town getting married?

Fred told me his son, Connor,
is gonna be tying the knot.

See? Go over there
and introduce yourself.

Tell them you're a big-shot
L.A. wedding planner.

They don't need to know
your day

is making two calls from
the garage and taking a bath.

Hey!

What can I say?

Us country folks
are straight shooters.

Hi, I'm Angie Lopez.

I'm moving here
from Los Angeles.

I hope
I'm not interrupting.

I'm Fred.
This is my son, Connor.

Hi.

I'm kind of a big-shot
wedding planner,

and I understand Connor here
is getting married.

What?!

Well, I was gonna wait
till we finished our pie.

But...you knocked her up,
son.

You've got to marry her.

You know, it seems like you two
have some things to talk over,

so why don't I just leave you
my card?

Don't need the card.
You're hired.

I got a hundred bucks.

Let's see if we can make this
happen before her milk comes in.

Congratulations.

I heard you're gonna be
managing the factory.

Yep.

Y'all should be celebrating.
Where are the kids?

That's one of the things
I'm gonna like

about living in a small town.

I have no idea.

Well, if I could give you
my two cents,

I think you're doing
the right thing moving here.

It is a great place
to raise kids.

I bet you my daughter
and your boy

are putting a carrot nose
on a snowman right now.

You want to go behind
the dumpster and French?

I'm not sure.

You've done it, right?

Probably.

They call me l'il bit
because I won't do everything,

but I'll do a little bit.

Okay.

I got to go back
to the hotel first

and get that thing
I French with.

You mean your tongue?

Oh, that's how you do it
here?

I thought you wanted to do it
L.A. style.

No, thanks.

Let's go back to the inn.

I -- I got to walk
him home,

or my parents would go nuts.

We'll wait for you.

Then we can go bust into
one of those summer cabins

and party...

Unless you're scared.

Scared?

I lived on the streets.

I was in a rap video having
a pillow fight on a water bed,

and I was swinging
the end of the pillow

with the zipper on it.

That'll leave a red Mark.

Great.
So, you're coming.

I -- I didn't say that.

Fight it all you want,

but there's nothing else
to do in this town.

You'll be back.

Hey, don't tell us
what to do

'cause we're from Cali,
a'ight?

Has anybody seen my mittens?

Seriously, guys, my mom told me
not to lose another pair.

Dad, can we talk to you
for a minute?

Yeah, sure, come on over
by the fire.

Warm up.

See? It's the simple pleasures
that make a small town so great.

Dad, they have fire
in L.A.

Only when the Lakers
win the championship.

What's up?

We know you want to move
because we screwed up,

but what if we promise
to do better?

What if I work really hard
in school and got all a's?

I'll do better, too,
and listen to you and mom

and be helpful
without being asked.

Those are big changes.

I mean,
you've had 15 years...

And you've had 11.

It's just not in you.
Let's be realistic.

"I'll try harder."
"What if I get straight a's?"

You almost had me.

Dad, we can't live here.

I miss the sun.
I miss my friends.

It's so boring here.

You should see what goes on
down at the canyon mart.

The kids have nothing
better to do

except hang around
and get into trouble.

I don't want to hear
your excuses, okay?

Back home, you said I never gave
you enough freedom.

So, now you're in
a safe-enough place

where you can have
all the freedom you want.

So, go, Carmen, have fun.

Max, do something
you've never done before.

Beer me.

So, shoplifting
or frenching?

Let's French
till we get hungry.

* all my friends
know the low rider *

* the low rider
is a little higher *

Hey, you guys made it!

So, this is it?

I can't believe we are
spending Thanksgiving

in a glorified truck stop.

You just got here, okay?
Don't start, mom.

Come on. Did you see
all that roadkill?

Those weren't accidents.

Those animals were trying
to end it all.

We hit a squirrel, and I swear
I heard it whisper,

"bless you, stranger."

Behave yourself, okay?

'Cause all I have to do
is push you outside,

yell, "wild boar," and wait
for the sh**ting to start.

Then I'll have you mounted
so the football team

can rub your snout
for good luck.

Daddy, I'm so glad
you're here.

I came from Cuba to Miami
to Los Angeles

so we could all be together,

and now you move away
to a place

that is colder
than a witch's teta.

I should know.

I slept with your mother's
poking into my back

for 30 years.

We're doing
what you did for us.

We're giving our kids
a better life.

So, how's everything
at the house?

Completely normal.
Status quo.

You feeling all right,
Ernie?

You look a little carsick.

Uh...it's just that I saw
a horrible, horrible accident.

Why don't we all get a little
something to eat, huh?

You guys
must be starved.

We just need to get our bags.
We'll be right there.

Ernie better not
open his mouth.

Even if he does, we'll just
tell George we were drunk.

The kiss meant nothing.

Of course it meant nothing.
I'm still seeing Randy.

It wasn't even a real kiss.

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
It was a real kiss.

Are you kidding?

It was all teeth
and whiskers.

It was like a dog

trying to get peanut butter
off its face.

Dogs do not kiss
like that.

Are you speaking
for all dogs,

or did you get to know one
special pooch?

So, you already made up
your mind to stay?

Pretty much.

I'm gonna tell you something
I never told you, all right?

You can't leave
because you owe me.

I turned down
a job in Dallas

so that you wouldn't lose
your best friend.

You never told me this.

I didn't want
to make you feel bad.

They were offering me
some mad cash, man.

Gonna give me
a company car.

Oh, yeah,
and there was this girl.

She thought I was a stud.

A girl?

Oh, I went too far, huh,
with the girl?

Just stay in L.A.

Look, Ernie, we want the kids
to grow up in a safe place

where people treat their
neighbors like family.

Hey, Mr. Perkins, how's
that arthritis today?

That is like your family.

That's strange.

Mr. Perkins is usually
so friendly.

Must be my mom.

They sense the evil one
has come,

as the prophecies foretold.

Mrs. Murphy,
is that new puppy

still chewing up
the furniture?

Okay, well, something's
definitely wrong.

People are avoiding us.

Angie, everything
was fine yesterday.

Ed will tell us
what's going on.

He's a good guy.
Hey, ed.

Hi, George, Angie.

Hey, man, we've been kind of
getting the cold shoulder.

Any idea what's going on?

Well, look, I know you said
you were moving here

because you wanted to keep
your kids out of trouble,

but the word is they're the
kind of kids who start it.

What?

We hear the boy's
a gangbanger,

and the girl's
a hip-hop hoochie mama.

Who would spread lies
like that?

It was your kids,
and it's all over town.

Now, look,
I'm not the judging type,

but when you move here,

you'll understand
why I have to say this.

Keep your damn kids away
from mine!

We'll see you guys
Thanksgiving?

We're gonna end up being
the town outcasts.

No, Angie, we can turn it
around at Thanksgiving.

Once they get to know
Carmen and Max,

they'll see that the rumors
aren't true.

The rumors are true.

We're gonna lie.

We deny the bad rumors

and start good rumors
to work in our favor.

We use the small-town rumor
system to our advantage.

I think
Mr. Perkins heard you.

Who's gonna believe
Mr. Perkins,

an alcoholic cross-dresser?

It's pretty nasty, huh?

I've seen worse.

Oh, hey, calamity Jane,

could you have cookie
fire up the Chuck wagon?

'Cause I'm powerful hungry.

We're just waiting
on Carmen.

Where the hell is Carmen?

How's she gonna make
a good impression

if she's late
for Thanksgiving?

She went to the canyon mart
to buy yams,

but that was over
an hour ago.

The food's getting cold.
Where's Carmen?

Knowing my little angel,

she probably stopped off
at a soup kitchen

to help feed the homeless.

There are soup kitchens
in Denver.

Do you know
where your daughter is?

You hear about Mr. Perkins?

I heard he limps

'cause his thong is cutting into
him like a cheese slicer.

Hey, this is nice.

I never had Thanksgiving
in snow before.

You know, Benny was the dog
in that kiss.

You said it was a mistake,
so just let it go.

I can't.

Other than my ex-wife,

Benny's the only woman
I have kissed in 35 years.

Look, I'm not a shrink,

and I haven't been
with that many women,

but don't kiss people
in your own family.

It's low class.

Sorry I'm late, winnie.

I could not talk the wife
and kids into coming.

This doesn't have anything to do
with my kids, does it, ed?

Oh, no, my wife
is 100% choctaw.

Thanksgiving is not a real good
day around my house.

Everybody, Ed's here.
I think we should just start.

Winnie, if it's okay, Max
would like to say the prayer.

Yeah.

Go ahead, Max.

Dear lord, thank you for
bringing us to this town.

Thank you for bringing me
good, new friends.

Thanks...for, uh, tongues,
cherry lip gloss.

Amen!

Now I'd like to say
my own grace,

as I do before every meal
and tambiã©n most of my snacks.

God, forgive us for our sins

as we try every day
to be better people.

Forgive us for judging others
and spreading rumors

about things
we know nothing about

that happened in another city
anyway.

Amen.

And thank you for my wonderful
family, especially my children,

who make me feel blessed
every day.

Sorry I'm late.

But...i got the yams.

Whoopsie.

Oh, no, somebody gave my
diabetic daughter root beer.

She got t-t-t-the sugar dizzies.

That was a real
beer bottle.

Who's gonna believe you,
he-she?

Come on, Carmen,
let's get you to bed.

How many times am I gonna
hear that in one day?

Angie, your daughter
is stinkin' drunk.

I sure yam!

Out, now!

Hey, don't blame me,
all right?

You dragged us to this town,
and I never drank in L.A.

But that's all there is
to do here.

Unless you want to make out
with some tr*mp

behind the canyon mart.

Hey, you're here!

Dad, you want to know why they
call her l'il bit?

Get her out of here!
She's making a scene!

What's going on
with you two?

Pull down his turtleneck.
You'll see.

Hey, no, this isn't
about my neck.

This is about the drunk girl
that ruined Thanksgiving.

It's a hickey!

Boy, dinner and a show.

L'il bit
did that to you?

No way.
Not unless he pressured her.

He pressured me.

You held me down.

I believe the boy!

Women cannot resist
the palmero men.

Low class.

Your kids
are out of control.

Moving is not a replacement
for good parenting.

Whoa, whoa, wait a second.
My kids weren't in this alone.

Somebody gave my son a hickey,

and somebody gave
my 15-year-old daughter beer.

You can get it anywhere.

All the kids drink, dad,
and nobody cards you.

Not all the kids drink.

My oldest boy
has never touched alcohol.

Pothead.

That's where
the ice cream's going.

Dad, he's in a g*ng, too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
we do not have gangs here.

We have one group of boys

who disagrees
with another group of boys

about whose neighborhood
ends where.

That's a g*ng!

This is everything we're
trying to get away from.

This place is no better
than L.A.

Hey, please, do not
compare us to la-la land.

We've only had two murders
here so far this year,

not counting
the drunk driving

and the dr*fter down
by the rail yard.

All right, that's it.
We're going home.

L.A. may have gangs,
underage drinking,

teenage pregnancy, and drugs,

and you might see the cops
beating up a guy on TV,

but they're both wearing
sunglasses

and short-sleeved shirts

because every day it's sunny
and 80 degrees.

That's why they write so many
songs about California.

Nobody ever writes a song
about Colorado.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what about John Denver?

He died...In California.

We're going home.
Vamonos!

You know what?
Screw paradise canyon.

It's just good to be home.

Isn't it, Carmen?!

Dad, my head is k*lling me.

Oh, I forgot.

It's my little girl's
first hangover.

Wa-cha!

That didn't sound right,
did it?

Got to get that fixed.

Have a nice nap!

Honey...

I know you have
a lot of confusing feelings

about what happened.

L'il bit took you down
a road you were not ready for,

and she took advantage
of you.

Max, what your mom is trying to
say is that you were very lucky,

and from now on you're gonna
have to work for it.

I'll never see
l'il bit again.

I don't know about that.

I'm pretty sure that girl

is gonna be getting off a bus
here in Hollywood

before we know it.

Okay, so it doesn't matter
where we live.

We're gonna have to work
twice as hard

to keep the kids
out of trouble.

Or we can set our
expectations so low

we're happy with whatever
our kids do.

George, we can't give up
on them.

Come on, Angie,
but it's nice down here

in giving-ups-ville.

Max just got a tattoo
on his neck.

Carmen's dating a guy my age.
They're doing good.

I'm not doing it.

Come on, Angie,
let go and be happy.

You've only had one job
as a wedding planner,

and the check bounced.

I'm never getting a raise,
but that's okay

'cause every Saturday
as a family

we sell corn in the park.

We're living
the dream, baby!

...butter.

George.

I'll let you ride the bike.

Put this by the fridge.

Yeah, right.

Are you gonna help me with
this or what, dog lips?

I know how to kiss.

You're right about one thing --
it's good to be home.

I love L.A.

That time
I felt something.

But it meant nothing
to me.

Ha!

I don't live here.