02x12 - This Old Casa

[bunniefuu]

You don´t need to shave
your legs above the knee!

No one should be looking up
there anyway.

I´m not shaving
my legs anymore.

I´m growing it out
like your ear hair.

Guess what, sasquatch.
It´s hereditary.

Come on, Max!

Let´s go, brother!
I´m gonna be late for work!

You´re a kid!
You should hate being clean!

I do!

I haven´t showered
in three days.

Me and Jimmy creegan
are having a stink-off.

You win.

All right, Angie!
Don´t make me come in there!

Unless, of course,
you want me to come in there.

[ Water stops ]

I´ll take that as a yes.

Close your eyes, baby.

Here comes Ramon
the towel boy!

Oh, god!

Oh, that ain´t right!

Hey, perv!
Did you enjoy the show?

Aaaaah!

[ Footsteps ]

Angie, Angie, quick!
Show me your body!

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you
your mom´s using our shower.

Man, with all the steam
in there,

it was like
"gorillas in the mist."

What´s wrong
with her shower?

Her drain´s clogged.

It takes a day
for the water to go down.

You should fix it for her.

No.

"No"?

I always do things for her --

getting her groceries,
fixing her car --

and she never appreciates it.

So, you know what?
I´m done.

George, i´m sure
she appreciates it, but --

Angie, i´ve spent
my entire life

trying to get a "thank you"
from that woman,

and all I get is sarcasm.

"Thanks
for the stretch marks."

"Thanks for sitting in front of
the TV with that big head.

"Thanks for scaring away
all my dates by saying,

´are you my new daddy?´"

come on!

I can swear in 15 years i´ve
heard her say, "thank you."

No, you just imagined it,
´cause you live in Angie land,

where the sky is blue

and people always say
"thank you" and "howdy"

and "oh, you look so cute
in that top."

So you´re telling me your mom
never says, "thank you,"

and every time you tell me
I look cute in something,

i´m imagining it?

It´s cold and dark out here,
isn´t it?

You´re being ridiculous.
I bet she says it.

If you don´t believe me,
do something nice for her.

Oh, hey, Mr. Peepers!

Next show starts tomorrow,


I hope there´s
a 20-drink minimum.

Angie, why don´t you get
my mom a cup of coffee.

I´m sure she would, uh,
appreciate it.

I´m sure
she will appreciate it.

Here you go, Benny.

Nice and hot.

What, are you trying
to burn me?

Benny, I made myself
some French toast,

but I have some leftovers.

Here --
why don´t you have it?

Why don´t you get me
some sausage

out of the trash can
while you´re at it!

What am I, your goat?!

I want to punch her
in the throat.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, don´t start something
you can´t finish.

Okay, I just took a bath,

and a cigarette butt
floated to the top.

Oh, I thought I put that out
in the ashtray.

It´s not an ashtray.
It´s a soap dish.

Mom, why don´t you call
a plumber to fix your drain?

Oh, no.
That´s too expensive.

I got to save
for my retirement...

Unless you want me living
in your attic.

I wouldn´t do that
to the other bats.

I don´t need
a plumber anyway.

I met a guy at home depot.
He´s coming over tomorrow.

Well, if he works there,
he probably knows his stuff.

Oh, he doesn´t work there.

He was in the parking lot,

hanging around
with a bunch of guys.

They were passing around
a beer,

and when it got to me,
I started talking to him.

Wait a minute.

You´re having a guy you don´t
know come over to your house?

Hey, it´s not like
I didn´t ask him for his I.D.

He just didn´t have any.

Are you crazy, mom?
You live alone.

This guy could k*ll you!
He could Rob you!

No way he´s coming over
to your house!

Oh, you´ll never know
if he comes over.

So you know what?
Sure, he´s not coming over.

All right, i´ll take a look
at your drain this afternoon.

Okay, whatever.

Well, i´m off to pep boys.

Hey, whoa!

Where are you going
with my beer?

I´m gonna find a guy
in the parking lot

to fix my carburetor.

All right, mom, i´ll take a look
at your carburetor, too.

Whatever.

Well, i´m off to the parking lot
at the paint store.

Get out.

Man, Benny, I haven´t been in
your house since high school.

Mom, is that lamp
still broken?

You know what?
It is.

What´s wrong with it?

I don´t know.
I think it´s a loose cord.

Yeah, I bet
I could fix it.

Aaaah!

[ Laughter ]

Hijole!

Funny every time.

That wasn´t funny!

What´s going on?

They shocked me!

Why didn´t you guys
call me?

[ Laughter ]

So, Benny...

The only thing you need fixed
in here is the drain?

No, I got to patch
the shower curtain here,

and I got to get some new
duct tape for this tile.

But how do you turn on
the hot water?

There´s no handle.

Hey, I got pliers.

If the pliers are here,

how do you change
the channels on the TV?

You know what?
I´m not a hillbilly.

I bought another pair
of pliers.

George...

This place is falling apart.

Why doesn´t
she do something?

She´s used to it.

Besides, she older.

She´s only in here
a couple of times a week.

You can´t let your mother
live like this.

You should have the bathroom
redone for her.

No. No way.

Come on,
you could surprise her.

Think about it --
fresh paint, nice tiles,

and maybe one of those
cushiony toilet seats, huh?

No, let her hover.

Do you really want
that "thank you"?

Do you really want to see
her appreciation?

You know I do.

Well, you´ve never done anything
this big for her.

If you give her
a whole new bathroom,

there is no way
she can´t say, "thank you."

It would be nice to hear it
one time in my life.

You deserve it, George.

I do.
And you know what?

I´m gonna do
all the work myself.

I´m gonna make
this bathroom so nice,

every time she uses it
she´s gonna think of me.

This is a big job.

Shouldn´t you hire
professionals?

Professionals?
Angie, please!

I got this.

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ all my friends
know the low rider ♫

♫ the low rider
is a little higher ♫

Hey, you´ve been
at that drain forever.

Maybe we should use
a real plumber´s snake.

What for?
Using a hose is better.

I get water pressure
and a snake,

and I can regulate the flow.

Look -- off, on.

Is it working?

Yeah, I already got out
enough hair and cigarettes

to make three bennys.

Max, turn it off!

This whole remodel is gonna take
longer than you thought.

How are you gonna keep
your mom away?

I lied -- told her
a pipe broke

and I had to shut
the water off.

So she´s staying at our place
for a couple of days.

It´s a really great thing
you´re doing for your mom.

Maybe I should put in that bidet
my mom´s been asking about.

What´s a bidet?

It´s a refreshing water fountain
for your butt.

Cool.

Man!

There´s something
blocking the drain

right around the pipe bend.

I think I got a job
for the assistant plumber!

Another beer, dad?

No, a big, manly job.

I need you to reach
in the drain

and find out
what´s around the corner.

Are you crazy?!

What if something bites me?

What if I get sucked in?

What if I don´t buy you
the Madden football game

on the way home?

I´m going in!

Ugh!

Hold my ankles.

I don´t want to get
sucked in, too.

Whoa.

Go ahead.

Hey!
Hey, I feel something!

What is it?

It´s cold and hard.

Hey, he found
my mom´s heart.

[ Laughs ]

Got it!

It´s a little bottle.

"Kentucky...bourbon."

Maybe there´s a message
in it.

Yeah, there´s a message.

Grandma´s drinking in the tub,
and she needs help.

Here --
go throw this away.

Well, the heat lamp´s in.

Wow.
That looks good, Ernie.

Yeah, she´s a beauty --

the way
she fits in there perfect.

When do I hook up
the wires?

Usually before you put it
in the ceiling.

Oh.

Nice going,
Bob the builder.

Here. Let me...

From now on,
you report to Max.

[ Straining ]
I think I got it.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Ugh!

Are you okay?

[ Spits ]

Beer me.

[ Knock on door ]

It´s me -- Angie!

Is she with you?

No, she´s taking the tinfoil
off the bedroom window.

She wants to make herself
a baked potato.

[ Gasps ]

What do you think?

George, it´s beautiful!

She is gonna love it.

It was harder than I thought.
I almost k*lled myself.

But when she walks in here
and sees all this

and finally says "thank you,"
it´ll be worth it.

Are you standing funny?

Yeah, I got drywall
in my butt cheeks.

If I don´t take
a shower soon,

they´re gonna be
spackled shut forever.

Mom, come here!

I want to show you
how good the drain works.

Okay,
close your eyes, mom.

Why?

Just do it.

The last time somebody told me
to close my eyes,

I ended up with you.

Your highness...

Your throne!

I wanted to surprise you!

Check it out, mom --
new chrome fixtures...

Porcelain sink...

Low-flow toilet with whisper
flush and padded seat.

What do you think, mom?

The hook for the robe
is too high.

Excuse me?

Well, how am I supposed
to get up there?

Oh, I forgot that big growth
spurt i´m gonna have

when I hit 60.

Benny, George just redid
your entire bathroom

with his own hands,
and that´s all you have to say?

Hey, I didn´t ask him
to do it.

I just needed to have
the drain fixed.

It´s fixed.

You don´t deserve this!

[ g*nf*re and explosions ]

[ Tires screeching ]

How´s your dad doing?

Ooh, he´s still scary mad.

George?

Hey, honey!

George?

What´s he playing?

"SWAT team"...

But he´s k*lling
all the civilians.

Will you please talk
to me now?

Come on, George.

Let that old lady cross
the street and talk to me.

There she goes.
She´s almost there.

[ g*nf*re, woman shrieks ]

Okay, talk to me.

I should have known
she´d do this to me.

This whole thing
is your fault!

Oh, come on.

Angie, you can´t blame the
scorpion for stinging you.

It´s in their nature.

But you can blame the person

who talked you into fixing
the scorpion´s toilet!

Look, I was just trying
to help.

Angie, I put three days
of work in there.

I put my blood, sweat,

and the tip of ernie´s pinkie
into that bathroom!

He´s okay.

Look, you´re right
to be angry, George.

She is wrong.

You did an amazing job
on that bathroom.

I built an ashtray
into the shower.

That´s custom.

You don´t see that
in the catalog.

That came from right here.

Maybe deep down
she really is grateful,

but she just can´t
express it.

Why do you keep
making excuses for her?

I´m not. I´m just saying
it´s probably hard for her.

Look, saying "thank you"

is acknowledging that somebody
did something for you,

and Benny would never admit
that she needed anybody

to do anything for her.

It´s a sign of weakness.

Maybe it would help
if you opened up to her.

If I what?

You guys never really talk.

You just bark at each other.

Maybe if you thanked her for all
the things she´s done for you,

she´d be able to thank you for
all the things that you´ve done.

I don´t want to open up.

It´ll make you
the bigger person.

I like being small.
I´m very happy with my size.

George, you´re gonna have to
deal with this.

What, are you gonna never talk
to her again?

No, eventually i´m gonna have to
say, "it´s okay, mom.

Let go."

"Head for the light."

George.

What do I get if I do?

A healthy relationship
with your mother.

And once I get that, can I trade
it for something I can use?

Like what?

A George foreman grill.

Sure.

One of the big ones.

Yeah, with the bun warmer.

Oh, that´s nice.

Why do we have to talk
in the bathroom?

´Cause I want to talk
in the bathroom.

If anything happens to me in
here, George, I will haunt you!

I swear I will!

Mom, I just want to talk.

We never really talk.
We just bark at each other.

Is Angie behind this?

No!

I just think we need
to open up to each other.

It sure smells like Angie.

You know why I did
all this, mom?

To get you to say,
"thank you."

Then I realized that
there are a lot of things

I never thanked you for.

I know how hard it was for you
raising me alone,

and thank you
for your sacrifices,

and thank you for being
my mom and my dad,

and thank you
for all the things

I don´t even know
that you did for me.

Now is there anything
you want to say to me, mom?

It´s about freakin´ time.

I don´t think
you´re getting this, mom.

You see, I just opened up.
I feel good about it.

Now I want you to open up.

All right, but this
is gonna be hard for me.

[ Sighs ]

I like movies
where dogs can talk.

What i´m looking for, mom,
is two little words.

Three if you say it,
"blank blank, George."

Or you could say it,
"George, blank blank."

I´ll make it easier for you.

In Spanish,
it´s just one word.

Adiós.

Wait!

Maybe i´m being too vague.

Let´s take this nice towel rack
that I put in.

Some people would be
thankful for that.

It´s just a towel rack.

So you don´t care
if it´s here or not?

Oops!

My bad!

Let´s go
to the shower head.

It´s got three speeds --

steady stream, pulsate,
massage.

Ooh, mama, massage!

It´s a shower head!

You want two words?
You´re crazy!

Ooh, the sink wishes
you hadn´t said that.

Oh, for god´s sake, George!

George!

[ Laughs ]

Hold it! Hold it!
What are you gonna do to that?

Why, do you like this?

Yeah, I like it!

Well, say the words, mom,
or it´s coming off!

[ Strained ]
Thank you.

I didn´t hear you.

Thank you
for the damn toilet seat!

There! You happy?
Is that what you wanted?

Yes.
Was that so hard?

Yeah, it was,

´cause I don´t have a lot
of practice doing this!

Who do I thank for having
to drop out of school

when I was 15
to work in a factory?

Who do I thank
for getting me pregnant

and leaving me at 17?

Who do I thank for feeling like
I was 68 when I was 25?

But thank god I sure know
who to thank

for giving me
a cushioned toilet seat!

I love you, mom.

Thank you.

You just opened up.
No, I didn´t!

Yeah, you did.
No, I didn´t!

I´m pretty sure you did.

Oh, what do you know?!

Look, you put the soap dish too
far away from the shower head.

That´s cause
it´s an ashtray!

Really?

That´s so nice.

You know what?

You´re a pretty good son.

Thank you.

You give it up
way too easy.

Angie, the kids are out
of the house,

my mom´s got her own bathroom,
and it´s just us,

or shall I say it´s just you
and Ramon the towel boy.

[ Water stops ]

Sounds like somebody´s
ready to be dried.

Oh, god!

Oh!

Who´s Ramon?

Ugh!