09x05 - A Fishy Send Off

[bunniefuu]

You find me

In the mortuary

Of monsieur alphonse

The undertaker,

Posing for a statue of me

The hero of the resistance.

With any luck,

It will not be long

Before the germans

Are defeated.

Michelle of the resistance

Has photographed

Their plans

For the defense of france,

And today we are taking

The microfilm to england.

Monsieur, please,

Please.

How can I chisel away

At your chin

When you keep talking?

Bear with me,

Monsieur alphonse,

I have nearly finished.

This afternoon,

We are going to the coas

On a floa

Which we have entered

In the annual

Fishmonger's parade.

At nightfall,

We will launch the float,

And sail to england

With the microfilm.

Now, if you think

That this is

A rather madcap plan,

You would be wrong.

It is totally insane.

But we heroes mus

Make sacrifices for france.

Whoops!

Oops.

You have knocked off

My nose.

Don't worry, I'll

Stick it back later.

How much longer

Must I pose

For this masterpiece?

Don't distract me, eh?

I am going to star

Work on your apron.

It is a very, very,

Delicate operation.

Eh.

Ah!

My chisel is stuck

In the sandstone.

Monsieur alphonse,

What are you doing?

What? I am trying

To pull this out.

A smaller tool is required.

Edith, wha

Are you doing here?

Michelle asked

To meet us all here.

Oh my.

Your statue is

Coming along very nicely.

How lifelike it is,

Even without the nose.

Oh, it reminds me

A lot of you, rene.

Monsieur alphonse

Has captured

Your heroic posture

So well.

Ah, it is

Working loose.

Hold the statue

While I pull.

I hope michelangelo

Did not have this problem

With the statue of david.

One, two, everyone

One, two, three!

I think we got it.

Now I've recovered

My composure

I want you to listen

Very carefully,

I shall say this

Only once.

The costumes

For the fishmonger's parade

Are at the cafe.

We are all ready to go

Except for one thing.

What is that?

Rene, you will have

To ask the colonel

And lieutenant gruber

For passes to the coast.

And what if they refuse?

Use your charm, rene.

The lieutenan

Will respond to it.

That is what worries me.

Monsieur alphonse, are these

The wooden planks I asked for?

Those are the ones.

Ah, good.

Here is the nose.

Excuse me while

I stick it back on.

You will all

Have to help me

Get these

To the float.

But what are

They for, michelle?

To build a ramp.

You have though

Of everything.

I always do.

Oh, rene, now the nose

Is back on your statue,

It looks

Most impressive.

Oh, I must see the nose.

Not quite as impressive

As it was.

I'm very worried, gruber.

This crackpot plan

Of the general's

To assassinate hitler

Will get us all k*lled.

Yes, it is

Rather hazardous,

Blowing him up with

An exploding picture frame.

We will tell him where

To stuff his crackpot plan.

General von klinkerhoffen!

Heil hitler.

Heil hitler.

Lieutenant gruber has

Something to tell you, general.

Well?

What is it?

May I say

You look absolutely

Charming in that uniform.

It suits you, general.

Your crawly comments

Have been noted.

Now, the preparations

For my plan

Are nearly complete.

I do not wish

To discuss the details here

In case the room

Is bugged.

I assure you, general,

This office is secure.

No one would dare

To eavesdrop on us.

We cannot be

Too careful.

I have booked a round

Of golf for this morning.

We will discuss

The details of, uh

You-know-wha

In the open air.

A wise precaution,

General.

You both play I hope?

Well, I last played a round

With a couple of fellows

On my tank training course.

I can believe that.

And, uh, you, colonel?

I haven't played

For a while.

Do you have a handicap?

Yes.

I haven't got any clubs.

By the way,

If anything should go wrong

With the plan,

It would be unwise

To be taken alive.

Oh dear.

I have had a suicide pill

Implanted in one

Of my back teeth.

However, there is not time

To have similar pills

Implanted in your teeth.

What a pity.

We were terribly keen.

So I brought you

These instead.

What are they?

Suicide teeth.

What do we

Do with them?

You wear them.

If anything goes wrong

With the plan,

Crunch your teeth together

And a deadly liquid

Will be released

From the false set.

I'll give them

A tentative trial later.

No, put them in now.

You must see

How they feel.

How do they feel?

They will take a bi

Of getting used to.

You can say that again.

On second thoughts,

Only put them in

In an emergency.

Mine are stuck.

So are mine.

Swill them around

With hot coffee.

That should loosen them.

In the meantime, we mus

Keep up appearances.

Heil hitler.

Heil hitler.

Helga is here to see you,

Herr flick.

Ah, helga,

Good morning.

I was just trying on

My new boots.

How strange.

The boots seem

Too big for you.

Normally, it's

The other way around.

They have

Secret compartments

In the soles,

To hide the remainder

Of my 10 million francs

When we leg I

To south america

To escape the allies.

It will take

A long time

To get to south america

In those.

What's tha

Jingling noise?

Nine million in notes,

And the res

Is in loose change.

Herr flick,

General

Von klinkerhoffen

Is plotting something

This morning

On the golf course where

He cannot be overheard.

That is

Most interesting.

Fortunately,

Two years ago

I took the precaution

Of bugging

The general's golf bag

For just this kind

Of eventuality.

He has bugs everywhere.

I'm not surprised.

Bring me my special

Receiving golf bag,

Von smallhausen.

Also my plus fours.

Yes, herr flick.

You will accompany me

To the golf course, helga,

Where you will play

With me.

Give me one good reason

Why I should do this.

That's a good reason.

May I kiss you?

Of course.

Cover your face

With my plus fours,

Von smallhausen.

Stand there,

And close your eyes.

That was wonderful,

Herr flick.

May I do anything else

For you?

Well,

I could do with a hand

To get upright.

So what else is new?

They're over there,

Herr flick.

Good.

Tune in the receiver

On my golf bag,

Von smallhausen.

I cannot find

Their wavelength,

Herr flick.

Then adjust the direction

Of the microphone,

You dunderhead.

Yes, herr flick.

Good shot, gruber.

You're on the green.

I have them, herr flick.

Good. Let us

Listen in on them.

Can you see

The flag, colonel?

I can hardly

See the ball.

How many more hours

Of daylight are there?

About 10 or so,

General.

Let's hope

It is enough.

They are moving off

The tee now, herr flick.

We will follow them

And play a round,

So as no

To arouse suspicion.

Bring the bags,

Von smallhausen.

Ah, here is my ball.

I could have sworn

You hit yours

Into the trees, general.

It must've bounced back.

Oh, damn.

Wonky green.

I think I'll put a bi

Of side spin on this one.

Oh dear,

I am sorry, general.

I can't find it.

Must have gone

Down a rabbit hole.

This club's useless.

I give up.

Now is a good momen

To discuss the plan.

The framed painting

Of the fallen madonna

Is all ready.

We will go to berlin

On the afternoon train,

And deliver I

To the fuhrer.

But general,

How do we detonate

The expl*sive

In the frame

Withou

Getting caught?

With these.

But these are yo-yos.

There is a little switch

On the side.

In the off position,

They are

Ordinary yo-yos.

If I press the switch,

A tiny dynamo

Inside the yo-yo

Is activated.

When I go like this

The dynamo produces

An electric beam,

Which will detonate

The expl*sives

At up to 20 meters.

What do you think?

Well, it's different.

When we get in

To see the fuhrer,

We will wai

Until he is examining

The portrait,

Then we will

Get out our yo-yos,

And yo-yo them

Up and down.

With luck, the fuhrer

Will be blown up.

We will now have

A practice yo-yo.

What have they

Been saying,

Von smallhausen?

They are taking the painting

Of the fallen madonna

By train to berlin

This afternoon.

They will play

With their yo-yos

And blow up the fuhrer.

Already my cunning mind

Is devising a way

Of recovering the painting

And getting the general

And the others arrested.

Nothing must stop us now.

Keep a very low profile

Until we get on

That train to berlin.

What does my special

Gestapo manual

Say I should do, helga?

Select one of your ba*ls

And put it on the tee.

Remove my ba*ls.

Is this normal

For a caddie?

You will find them

In my ball compartment.

Oh, yes.

Allow me.

What's next?

Hit it with the head

Of your driver.

Stop!

The driver is

Your big club.

Read on.

Stand with legs apart,

Head down, arms stiff,

Hips loose, knees bent,

And keep your face open.

Does it say anything

About hitting the ball?

You will swing the club

To 2:00,

Then hit it.

I cannot wait that long,

I will hit it now.

Good morning, colonel,

Lieutenant.

Rene, how nice to see you.

How rosy your cheeks are.

Thank you, lieutenant.

I have been running.

I am sorry to interrupt,

But I would like

A word, please.

What is it, rene?

Nouvion is entering a floa

In the annual

Fishmonger's parade

To the coas

This afternoon.

We need your signed passes,

To leave the district.

Can't it wait?

We are leaving very soon.

Colonel, this

Might be our

Opportunity

To get out of

You know who's

You know what.

What do you mean?

Well, could we no

Go with rene

To the coast?

We would miss

The train that way.

Good idea, gruber.

Rene,

We will give you

The passes

If you will take us

With you on the float.

Well, we have a couple

Of spare costumes, but

We will come to the

Cafe after lunch.

Are you getting

Anything else,

Von smallhausen?

Not very clearly,

Herr flick.

Then put the microphone

Up higher.

Stay and watch

For a bit, rene.

You migh

Learn something.

Absolute silence!

If it is all the same

To you, lieutenant,

I had better get back

To the cafe.

Stond clear of the floo

If you ploose.

Where is everybody?

They are in the ciffee.

I though

My spear unifoam

Was at the dry clooners.

I borrowed it,

To escort the float to

The coast. Are we ready?

I'm all tanked up.

Did rene ge

Permission to leave

From the germans?

He has the exit pisses

With him.

Good, then let's ge

Everyone on the float.

Move back.

I will annoonce you,

Win by win.

Loodies and gintlemin,

A big hond, ploose,

For madame finny

And monsieur leclock

In full kistume.

As you see,

Madame finny is a prune

And monsieur leclock

Is an octopiss.

Nixt, the two wotresses

Mumu and yvotte

As sirenes of the soo.

This one looks

More like a sardine.

Oh, doesn't she?

Ha ha ha ooh!

And noo, a rind of apploose

For madame edith

And ronnie

As venus underdone

And niptune

The gid of the soo.

Walk carefully,

You have jus

Dropped a winkle.

Never mind,

I've got plenty more

Where that came from.

And lost,

But not loost,

A kipple of cribs.

I never though

I would end the w*r

Dressed as a crab

On a fish float.

It is rather ignominious.

What is going on here?

Colonel,

Lieutenant gruber,

What the devil are you

Doing on this float?

Get down at once.

Stand to attention.

Explain these costumes.

I'm the king crab.

And I suppose

You are the queen crab?

I know I said

To keep low profile

But this is ridiculous.

Where are your uniforms?

In the cafe,

General.

Well, crawl over

And put them back on.

Then meet me

At the station.

The berlin train leaves

In half an hour.

Yes, general.

Off you go,

Monsieur alphonse.

We will lead you ou

On the tandem.

And now, everyone,

When it leaves,

You will all give

Our fishmonger's floa

The traditional

Rousing nouvion send off.

Oh, how lovely.

They will cheer

And shower us

With gifts

In appreciation

Of our efforts.

I am inclined

To agree with them.

Careful with that package.

It is very fragile.

Porter, over here.

Now is our chance

To inspect their luggage,

Von smallhausen.

They will never

See through

Our cunning disguises.

Follow me.

You have your yo-yos?

In our trouser pockets.

Good.

Put our bags

On the berlin express.

Yes, general.

Come. We leave

In five minutes.

This package

In the brown paper

Is clearly the painting

Of the fallen madonna,

Von smallhausen.

We will steal I

Before the train leaves.

A masterstroke,

Herr flick.

Of course.

Herr flick

Herr flick!

This attache case

Is ticking.

That must be the b*mb

To blow up hitler.

We will tip off

The station guards

And get the general

And the other two arrested.

Put the res

Of our luggage

In the guard's van.

Yes, general.

Three minutes to go.

You remembered

Your suicide teeth, I hope?

Yes, general.

Best put them in

Until we are safely away.

I'm rather nervous.

What happens

If we are caugh

Before the train

Even leaves?

Pull yourself together.

There's absolutely nothing

To worry about.

I wish I had

Your confidence.

I wish I had his teeth.

I have the painting,

Von smallhausen.

Well done,

Herr flick.

And now for the others.

I am herr flick

Of the gestapo.

General

Von klinkerhoffen,

Colonel von strohm,

And lieutenant gruber

Are on the berlin train.

They have with them

An attache case

Containing a b*mb

To blow up the fuhrer.

I order you to arrest them

Immediately.

Yes, herr flick.

Come, von smallhausen,

Let us examine our prize

In the men's room.

Yes?

We have reason

To believe

You are carrying

A b*mb, general.

Do do not be

Ridiculous.

Hand over

Your attache case.

How dare you?

Do you know who I am?

It is ticking.

Why is that?

That is because

It merely contains

My traveling alarm clock.

As you see,

There is no b*mb.

What is this?

Uh it's a yo-yo,

Of course.

It looks suspicious to me.

It has a switch on the side.

That is merely

So it lights up.

It's just a toy.

Give it to me.

We shall see.

Why have we stopped here?

This is where we rendezvous

With the other floats

For the parade

Down to the sea.

Help me down, ernest,

I am dying

To go to the loo.

I don't know where

You are going to go, fanny.

That looks like

A public convenience

Over there.

Edith,

I am just going

To spend a franc.

Very well, mamma.

You cannot park here.

This is

A military zone.

Move off at once.

Everyone back on the float.

Edith, where is your mother?

She went for a tinkle.

Where?

In that public convenience

Over there.

Oh my god.

That is no

A public convenience,

That is

A cross-channel g*n.

Ernest? Ernest,

I cannot see the chain.

It is there

Above you.

It is that thick rope.

Just give it a tug.

Oh, use your eyes, woman.

Who fired the big g*n?

Now look wha

Your mother has done.

Why could she no

Go behind a bush

Like a normal person?

Oh my god, it is

The firing squad.

The invasion has started.

The british are coming.

What?

Look, rene.

There are dozens

Of ships on the sea.

It is the allies at last.

We are commandeering

All vehicles

For our retrea

From the coast,

Including this lorry.

Hey, you canno

Take that.

Says who?

On the trucks!

Rene, what are

We going to do now?

We are going

To commandeer this tandem.

It'll be all right.

Just get your hair sorted out.

Yes.

Quick, back to nouvion.

Mind you, do no

Catch your winkle

In the chain.

You will be the firs

To know if I do.