08x06 - Firing Squashed

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

I have had some lucky escapes

In my time,

But none quite so dramatic

As the one last night.

Edith and I went

To the local church

To act as lookouts

While monsieur alfonse

Climbed onto the church roof

To hammer off the lead

For a battery

We are building to power

The secret resistance

Radio transmitter.

While we were there

The local parish priest arrived

And mistook edith

For yvette,

Whom I was planning

To marry in secret.

Imagine my horror

When the priest wanted

To marry me to edith.

Fortunately the hammer

Of monsieur alfonse

Fell through the roof

And knocked the priest out

Before I could say

"I do."

No man has ever walked

Back down the aisle

With a bigger smile

On his face.

( Doorbell dings )

We are not open

For another hour.

Not even for louise?

- What?

- The woman

Who loves you.

- ( Giggles )

- The woman who

Would k*ll for you.

The woman who has waited

Two years to see you again?

Well, I could bend

The rules.

But what are you

Doing here?

Should you not be with

Your communist friends

- Blowing up things?

- Oh, silence.

- Hold me.

- Oh.

( Both moan )

- Oh.

- I have thought

About you constantly

And drawn strength

From this lock of hair

I took from you

All those years ago.

So that is where

It all went.

- Now I am back.

- Yes.

- We can at last

Get married.

- What?

Do not refuse me, rene,

Or I might

Do something drastic.

Louise, you would not

k*ll yourself.

No, I would k*ll you.

Well, yes, that would be

Rather drastic.

But should we not wait

Until the w*r is over?

The w*r will be over

In a few days.

But the allies

Have not even invaded yet.

But we communists

Hold a trump card.

We have captured

Hitler and goering.

Oh my god.

We know that michelle

Of the resistance

( Spits )

Has a radio transmitter.

Tell her to bring it

To our headquarters

In the old barn

Near the abbeville road.

We will force hitler

To broadcast a surrender

Thus ending the w*r

At a stroke.

Oh, excuse me.

My brain is reeling.

You mean you have

Hitler and goering

Tied up in a barn?

They are locked

In the tractor shed

At the back.

- Oh.

- Oh, rene.

We will broadcast

The news of our marriage

To the world.

After a surrender broadcas

From hitler,

That could come

As a bit of an anticlimax.

Rene!

What are you doing

With that brazen hussy

In your arms?!

You stupid woman!

Can you not see that

I am acting under duress?

This is louise

Of the communist resistance,

Probably the most

Dangerous woman

In the whole of france.

Oh, I am sorry.

I did not mean

To speak out of turn.

What was that

About a brazen hussy?

Look what you have

Done now, edith.

You have made her very cross.

She could sh**t us both!

Leave us, unless you want

A b*llet in the head.

Oh, forgive me.

I did not mean it.

Just pretend

I never came in.

Here, put your arms

Around him again.

Careful! I have

One up the spout!

Oh, congratulations.

Excuse me while I

Just slip away down

The back passage.

I must go now, rene.

I will escort you out.

Come.

( Bell dings )

Make sure you come

To the barn with michelle

( Spits )

Or I will come

Looking for you.

I will be there!

I promise!

( Gasps )

Oh!

Oh, rene! I saw

Everything through

A crack in the door!

How could you embrace

That horrible girl?

I thought you loved

Only me and our child.

I do love

Only you, yvette.

Please, she forced me

To hold her.

It was horrible.

I could feel

Her live hand grenades

Pressing into me.

Rene!

What are you doing

With that servant girl

In your arms?!

You stupid woman,

Can you not see

That I am suffering

From nervous shock

After being held

At gunpoint by that ugly

Communist resistance girl?

I would have

Fainted if yvette

Had not supported me.

Oh! This is

Absolutely true.

- Yes.

- Oh, I am sorry, rene.

I did not realize

The strain you were under.

I must go upstairs

And lie down

For a bit, dearest.

I will come up and lie down

For a bit as well.

My soothing words

And gentle hands

Will take away

Your anxieties.

On second thought,

A brisk stroll

Around the square

Is what I need.

How quickly

He recovers.

It must have been

Your soothing words,

Madame edith.

- Yes.

- You'll have to go and lie

Down for a bit alone.

So what is new?

( Phone rings )

Colonel von strohm's office.

Ah, helga,

This is general von

Klinkerhoffen speaking.

Uh, you may be wondering

Where the colonel

And lieutenant gruber

Are today.

Well, yes, they're not

Usually this late.

I am afraid they will not

Be in at all today.

Nor any other day,

Probably.

They've been taken prisoner

By the resistance.

This is terrible news.

Mmm, yes.

I was quite upset myself.

I was with them

At the time.

We were ambushed

On the main road.

I managed

To fight my way out.

- How brave.

- Oh, it was nothing.

Now, helga,

Today is the day

Those gestapo fellows

Flick and von smallhausen

Are due to go before

The firing squad.

With the colonel

And gruber gone,

I will require your presence

At the execution.

- Yes, general.

- And, helga,

I have told you

About the colonel

And the lieutenant

In the strictest

Of confidence.

Not a word of it

Must go any further.

Of course, general.

My lips are sealed.

Good.

Heil hitler.

Heidi

You won't believe

What's happened

To the colonel

And lieutenant gruber.

This is a fine mess

We've got into, gruber.

What do we do now?

( Whispering )

Please, colonel,

Do not use my real name.

Those rough communist

Resistance girls

May be listening

At the door.

They must not know

We are imposters

Or they will sh**t us.

That is true, adolf.

We must act

Our parts convincingly.

If we can fool

Them long enough,

We might find

A way to escape.

I will do my best

To act like the fuhrer.

I will be strong.

I will be masterful.

Don't forget

The mad glint

In the eyes.

That's the one.

How dare you

Keep us here like this?!

It is an outrage!

The german troops

Will be searching

The area for us!

Release us now

And we will show you mercy!

Silence, you mad

Interior decorator.

The fuhrer is silent.

You are now going

To help us with our plan

To end the w*r.

We will do

Nothing of the sort.

I'm head

Of the luftwaffe.

I do not cooperate

With enemy t*rrorists.

Well, I could be

Flexible on that point.

As for you,

You will do

Everything we say

Or I will turn you over

To my trusty lieutenant here

And she will

Amuse herself with you.

I would enjoy that.

The fuhrer fears nothing

A woman can do.

That is not

Entirely true.

Here is our plan:

We are going to put you

On the radio;

You will announce

That the w*r is over

And order all your troops

To lay down their arms.

I think we can

Probably do that.

Any objections,

Hermann?

None at all, adolf.

I always thought we

Shouldn't have started it

In the first place.

Do you prefer conditional

Or unconditional surrender?

- Unconditional of course.

- Gruber: of course.

Why make waves?

We will come for you

When it is time to make

The broadcast.

Well, I think we showed

Them we weren't going

To be pushed around.

- Didn't we, adolf?

- Absolutely, hermann.

( Whispering )

I have just agreed

To end the w*r,

Which will make

Hitler very cross.

If they don't sh**t us,

He will.

I wonder if any

Of these medals

Contains a suicide pill.

Thank to your invaluable

Information, rene,

Officer crabtree and I

Have devised a cunning plan

To snatch hitler

And goering from the hated

Communist resistance.

- ( Spits )

- Michelle, please.

I have just had

That floor cleaned.

Oh, I am sorry, rene.

I just cannot abide

Those obnoxious commies.

( Spits )

I also do not lick

The kummies.

I hate them too.

( Spits )

A curse on them.

( Spits )

Will you stop it?!

If you carry on like this,

I will have to

Ask mimi to bring you

A bucket each.

We will control

Ourselves, rene.

Now listen.

We must be the ones

To broadcast hitler's

Surrender on the radio.

Then we will take power

In the new france.

We will rule.

We will control.

We will wipe out

The bourgeois and create

A new free france

In which people like me

Make all the decisions.

Remind me

To emigrate.

Now here is the plan.

Listen very carefully,

For I shall say this

Only once.

We will go to the barn

And meet the communists.

( Spits )

Sorry.

We will pretend

To discuss

The radio broadcast

With them

While officer crabtree

Blows a hole in the wall

With dynamite

To reach hitler

And goering.

The sticks

Of deenomote

Are in here

Disgeesed as kindles.

That is a lot

Of dynamite.

It is not all deenomote.

Some are real kindles.

When the dynamite explodes,

We will overpower

The communists

While others snatch

Hitler and goering,

Who will be

Rendered unconscious

With this chloroform.

We nood

A vilintour

To accumpanie me

To admonister the clearoform

To hotler and geering.

I will volunteer.

Oh no, mimi.

I want you inside the barn.

If it comes to a fight,

We will need you there.

Well, I am not

A young man,

And my ticker

Is a little dicky,

But I will

Accompany you,

Officer crabtree.

- Always keen for action.

- Ah, indeed I am, madame.

- ( Chuckles )

- Ooh.

I will assign two

Of my best girls

To help you.

Oh, good good.

And I will arrange

With the resistance

To charge them for my time

At the usual rate.

Now we must go.

We will leave for

The barn this afternoon.

- We will meet you

There at 3:00.

- 3:00.

By nightfall,

Hitler and goering

Will be ours.

And once and for all,

We will wipe out the threat

Of the communist resistance.

( All spit )

Michelle promised

They would not do

That anymore.

Well, shall I

Fetch them back?

No, fetch a mop

And bucket.

Curse those communists.

( All spit )

We will broadcast

The end of the w*r

Then bond our two

Resistance groups together

With a marriage between

My lieutenant louise

And rene artois.

You will do nothing

Of the kind.

- Rene is married to me.

- We will settle this

In the true communist

Resistance way.

You will both fight

For this man.

Oh, but comrade,

It is quite clear

They are not evenly matched.

In that case,

This old moff

May nominate another

To fight on her behalf.

Choose me,

Madame edith.

I will chew her up

And spit her out.

- ( Spits )

- I nominate mimi

- With reluctance.

- Oh, this is ridiculous.

We have come here

To discuss a radio broadcast,

Not to fight over

Some balding bartender.

You will pay

For those words later.

Louise, louise,

Calm yourself.

I do not want you

To get hurt either.

What if you lose

An ear or a nose?

You are right, rene.

I will nominate someone else

To fight for me too.

Well, bring them out.

I will eat them up

For breakfast.

I nominate desiree.

Looks as if

You will have dinner

And lunch as well.

Let the fight begin.

- Come on, mimi!

- ( All yelling )

This could be

A long fight.

This is the spit,

Monsieur alfinse.

Hotler and geering

Should be on the other

Seed of this will.

Give me the deenomote.

Try to be quick.

I do not like the look

Of those two bulls

On the other side

Of that field.

They are staring at us.

Stand still and fight,

You coward.

- Do you give up yet?

- Never.

I will wring your neck

If ever I manage

To reach it.

( Yells )

This is

Too easy, right?

( Laughing )

There is only one way

To settle this--

Fight dirty.

( Cheering )

Can't you hurry?

Those bulls are

Looking very restive.

- ( Bulls mooing )

- This is not deenomote.

I have bright

The rule kindles

By mistook.

Oh! Typical.

Without dynamite,

How will we break

Down the wall

To reach hitler

And goering?

I have an idoo.

What are you doing,

Monsieur?

I am drooping

My truesers.

It would not look good

For someone of my standing

To be found behind

A barn with a man

With his trousers down.

Leak.

I am wearing red knockers

Under my truesers.

Red knockers

Have been known

To attract ba*ls.

It is the k*ller

That makes them mid.

Are you sure?

No, but it is

Worth a tree.

I will bind over

And the ba*ls

Will become aroosed

And then charge

Towards me.

At the lost minute

I will jimp aside

And the ba*ls will smish

Through the wooden will.

Rather you

Than me, monsieur.

Stand by

With the chloroform.

Our champion has defeated

Your champion.

We have demonstrated

Our superiority.

We now demand that you

Give us hitler and goering.

We will make the broadcast

And take the credit

For ending the w*r.

Never! We are

In control now,

Not you and your prissy,

Simpering little girls.

- What did you call us?

- Prissy, simpering

Little girls.

Right.

I have had enough.

( Clamoring )

Edith, stop it!

I want to be in

To the death!

Oh, very well.

I am standing by,

Monsieur.

I have soaked this pad

Of cotton with chloroform

To knock out

Hitler and goering.

Can you see

The two ba*ls?

Rather clearly indeed.

And one of them

Is coming this way.

Oh, he is very big

Everywhere.

( Bull moos )

Let me knee when

He starts to chuge.

- ( Hoofbeats )

- He is pawing

The ground, monsieur.

- ( Bull snorting )

- And snorting.

He has noticed

Your red underwear.

- ( Hoofbeats )

- His nostrils are steaming.

Oh my god,

He is coming this way

At full speed.

( Screaming )

Monsieur alfinse?

( Bull bellows )

- ( Clamoring )

- What was that?

- What do you see?

- Just a squashed policeman.

Now is our chance

To escape.

There's a van

Up there on the road.

Let's hide in it.

Do you not think

You should help?

I think it's more

A spectator sport.

What hippined

After I was trimpled on?

I am not sure,

Monsieur.

I was out cold

When the bull arrived.

What about hotler

And geering?

Well, they are not there.

I have had a look.

Oh, come on.

I'll get you

Back to the van.

Another all molty

Kick up.

( Blows whistle )

Hitler and goering,

They have escaped!

- ( Gasps )

- Curse! We are undone!

Any offers?

What becoom

Of those resistance girls

Who were sipissed

To be helping us?

They ran off

When the bull charged.

I cannot bloom them.

One has to

Admire the nerve

Of those spanish

Ballfarters.

- That's a sport I enjoy.

- ( Gears grind )

You are to be shot

For stealing money

From the garrison

Pay truck.

Do you still

Deny the charge?

Yes, and I demand

A fair trial.

Denied.

You are allowed

One last request

Before you are

Blindfolded.

I need no blindfold.

But I would like

A final kiss from

Private helga geerhart.

- Permission general?

- Very well.

Blindfold?

No, I'm watching

For the postman.

Last request?

I would also like

A final kiss from helga.

Actually,

It will be my first.

- Request denied.

- But you cannot deny me

My last request.

It is my right.

Oh, very well.

Give him one.

I should like

To be blindfolded first.

Enough!

You missed me.

Hard cheese.

Ready!

General, there is

A telegram for you

From berlin.

I will read it later.

Take aim!

Perhaps you should

Look at it, general.

Oh, very well.

Read it to me.

( Whispering )

It is from uncle heiny,

Von smallhausen.

We are saved.

"New jacket ready

14Th this month.

Will send

By special messenger.

Spare buttons

In pocket."

It is

From your tailor.

Excellent news.

It's a rather natty

Houndstooth

With patch pockets.

Our hopes are dashed.

Ready! Take aim!

General, there is

An urgent telegram

For you from berlin.

Not another one!

Can I not sh**t a couple

Of fellows in peace?

Firing squad,

Take aim!

( Yells )

Stop!

I expect the trousers

Are ready too.

What the devil

Are you playing at,

Private geerhart?!

This telegram is

From reichsfuhrer

Heinrich himmler,

Herr general.

It is a pardon

For the two prisoners.

Let me see.

I am ordered to release you

And your assistant, herr flick.

But your godfather says

"Do not do it again,

You naughty boy."

Good old uncle heiny.

You are very

Lucky fellows to have

Friends in high places.

Damned nepotism!

( Rain pattering )

I've got

A terrible cramp.

It's been hours.

Where are we?

We are in the square,

Colonel.

In 15 minutes,

We can be back

In our quarters.

Are you mad, gruber?

We can't walk around

Dressed as hitler

And goering.

Those commies will be

Looking everywhere for us.

- Then what can we do?

- We will go to rene

At the cafe.

We can telephone

From there

And get helga to bring us

Our proper uniforms.

What do you want now?

We want more olives.

And there is no salt

On the crisps

There is a w*r on,

You know.

That is all

You are getting.

Oh. It is no fun

Coming down here

Anymore, fanny.

There's not even

Any music.

Why is edith

Not singing tonight?

She is having

A lie-down upstairs.

She is not feeling well.

Oh, well then

We must take her

Some of our

Stomach powders.

Ah.

And a drop

Of that brandy cordial.

That will make her

Feel better.

Do not bring

The crisps into the bed.

They get up my nightie.

- Rene

- Yes?

I must speak

To you immediately.

It will have to

Be quick, yvette.

Good for the wind.

- What is it?

- That louise girl

Frightens me.

What if she forces you

To marry her?

Calm yourself!

I am not going

To marry louise!

I am more concerned

About hitler and goering.

I was very worried

When he gave me

That little wave

When he took the salute.

I got the impression

He fancied you.

So did i.

It was not a good sign.

( Knocking )

Someone is outside.

( Shrieks )

God, it is hitler!

I am desperate, rene.

Let me in.

I am sorry, adolf,

Go away.

I am already spoken for.

My god, he has found me.

He's climbing in

The window.

- Are you sure

You did not wave back?

- Of course not.

Let me in, rene.

It is i, lieutenant gruber.

Oh, that is a relief.

You must help us, rene.

You too, colonel?

But why are you dressed

As hitler and goering?

It is a long story.

We must use your telephone.

- Yes.

- ( Knocking )

( Gasps )

It is the communist

Resistance!

- ( All scream )

- They will sh**t us.

Please hide us, rene.

What will I do?

Crouch down behind the bar.

Head for the back stairs.

Yvette, go and stand on

The top of the bar and adjust

Your suspenders.

That will distract everything.

Now go on.

- ( Knocking )

- Yes, I am coming.

I am coming.

Louise, maxine.

What are these for?

Our sniffer dogs.

They have picked up

The scent at last.

Do they both have hernias?

No, but they are small.

They cannot walk far

So we have to carry them.

They have picked up the scent

Of hitler and goering

Outside in the ally.

Have you seen them?

No no no, of course not.

No no.

They must have simply

Just run past.

They will not get far.

Come, louise.

We will hunt them down

Mercilessly.

After them, caesar.

It will not be long before

We catch them, rene.

We are searching

The whole village.

Anyone found

Giving them shelter,

We will slit their throats.

I love you.

Oh, this sex appeal.

Quick, in here.

( Screams )

Hitler and goering!

Sieg heil!

Sieg heil!

No, madame edith.

It is only lieutenant gruber

And the colonel in disguise.

- ( Footsteps on stairs )

- The communists are coming!

Quick-- in the wardrobe.

Find your own hiding place.

Do not give us away,

I beg you.

Mama, monsieur leclerc,

What are you doing here?

Ernest says

You are unwell, edith.

We have been to the attic

To get our stomach powders.

And here is a brandy cordial.

Edith, am I imagining it

Or is there someone else

In your bed?

Mama, how could you even

Suggest such a thing?

Ah, is this a man?

I do not blame you, edith.

Who is this secret lover?

( Screams )

It is hitler!

My daughter is having

It off with hitler!

Keep your voice down.

And goering is watching

From the wardrobe.

- What shame!

- Keep quiet.

The communist resistance

Could be back up here

At any moment.

Madame fanny has fainted.

I am sorry, rene.

It was my fault.

I'll give her a brandy.

You must hide us

Until the communists

Give up the chase.

If they come up here and find

You they will slit my throat.

Here, give me that brandy.

Are you going to give it

To mama?

No, I am going to give it

To myself.

I need it more than her.