03x08 - Patrickle Jokes/Pat Roast

[bunniefuu]

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom.
[laughs]

This is my mom.
[laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

This is my show!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[suspenseful music]

- [stifled laughter]

- [stifled laughter]

[laughter]

Sorry about that, folks.

I'm just excited because

I'm just excited because

I'm gonna pull
the funniest prank in the world

I'm gonna pull
the funniest prank in the world

on our next guest...

a whoopie cushion.

[zany music]

[zany music]

[suspenseful music]

Shh.

- Welcome, Squidward Tentacles!

- Welcome, Squidward Tentacles!

[scattered applause and booing]
- Paperboy!

- Humph.

- [stifled laughter]

- [stifled laughter]

Say, Squidward,
why don't you take a seat?

[giggles]

- Anything
to get this over with.

- Anything
to get this over with.

- [giggles]

[gasps]

[dramatic notes]

[whimpering gasps, sputtering]

[whimpering gasps, sputtering]

[jalopy horn honks]

- So...

- Mama.

- I'm a bit of
a Renaissance man.

- I'm a bit of
a Renaissance man.

And--
- You sat down wrong!

Do it again!

- How can I sit wrong?

Hey!
- Sit right!

Hey!
- Sit right!

[Squidward yelps]
Sit right!

[Squidward shouting]

[Patrick bellows]

[Patrick bellows]

My perfect prank is ruined!

- Huh?

[both screaming]

[both screaming]

[zany downbeat music]

- What's the matter, Patrick?

- My stupid whoopie cushion
is deflective!

- My stupid whoopie cushion
is deflective!

Do you know the hoops I had to
jump through to get that thing?

[upbeat music]

- That'll be 25¢.

- Keep the change, my good man.

Oh, a hoop.

- Who made this thing, anyway?

- Comedy K Novelties?

- Comedy K Novelties?

We should do
an undercover piece

and show everyone that
Comedy K are a bunch of crooks.

and show everyone that
Comedy K are a bunch of crooks.

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

- We're here outside
the Comedy K Novelty factory

to expose a story
of corruption,

to expose a story
of corruption,

receipt, and lies.

- And cut.

Great job, Patrick.

These crooks would never
let us in with a camera,

These crooks would never
let us in with a camera,

but they'll never suspect
a little girl and her dolly.

So are you ready
to expose the truth?

So are you ready
to expose the truth?

- Yeah.

You know, for a corrupt
multinational company,

You know, for a corrupt
multinational company,

they sure do just
let anybody walk right in.

Oof.

- Stop right there.

- Stop right there.

Where do you think
you're going?

- Inside a corrupt company.

Why?

- Youse best
not be a journalist

- Youse best
not be a journalist

looking to exposé any secrets
or nothing.

looking to exposé any secrets
or nothing.

- Uh, no.

- Definitely not.

- Good. But you've still gotta
go through security.

- Good. But you've still gotta
go through security.

- Oof.

X-ray specs?

X-ray specs?

[laughs] Do those things
even do anything?

[screams]

- Excuse me,
Mr. Secuwity Guawd.

Do me and my innocent
widdle dowwy

Do me and my innocent
widdle dowwy

have to go through
secuwity, too?

- Oh, of course not, sweetie.
Go right on through.

- Oh, of course not, sweetie.
Go right on through.

- Whoa.
- Wow.

- Whoa.
- Wow.

place is novelty nirvana.

- OK, folks, the 2:00 tour
is right this way.

Follow me for an in-depth look

Follow me for an in-depth look

at everything going on
in this factory.

all: Meep, meep, meep.

- So folks, remember,
no cameras, no touching,

- So folks, remember,
no cameras, no touching,

and never leave the tour group.

and never leave the tour group.

Or else!

[chuckles]
All righty.

Let's have some fun.

Let's have some fun.

This is Todd.
He's our stress doll tester.

Say hi, Todd.

- Hiya, folks.

- Hiya, folks.

- So Todd is just gonna to give
this little fella a squeeze.

- [grunts]

- And it's on to the next one.

- And it's on to the next one.

- [grunts]

- Tell us, Todd.

How do you like working here
at Comedy K?

How do you like working here
at Comedy K?

- It's a great job,
and I'm treated ethically.

- You heard the man, folks.

Completely normal
business practices.

Completely normal
business practices.

[chuckles]

Golly, have you ever wondered
where fake vomit comes from?

Golly, have you ever wondered
where fake vomit comes from?

Well, meet our friend,
the Vomit-Tron 1000.

Simply nauseate the little guy

Simply nauseate the little guy

with a moldy egg sandwich,
and...

[robotic retching]
- Cleanup on aisle three.

[chuckling]
Am I right?

all: Meep, meep, meep,
meep, meep.

- [laughs]

Hey, I said no cameras allowed!

Security!

all: Meep, meep, meep, meep.

all: Meep, meep, meep, meep.

- OK, folks,
let's keep it moving.

- This tour is what
they want us to see,

- This tour is what
they want us to see,

but where are
they hiding the dirt?

- Maybe behind that door!

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

- Time for some
real journalism.

- Cold, hard truth,
here we come!

- Cold, hard truth,
here we come!

- Patrick, stop!

- OK!

- We can't just go barging
into restricted areas.

- We can't just go barging
into restricted areas.

We need to disguise ourselves.

[suspenseful jazz music]

- The coast is clear.

- The coast is clear.

- There should be
something juicy back here.

Hey, look.

It's their entire
novelty chewing gum line.

It's their entire
novelty chewing gum line.

- Talk about juicy.

- [munching]
- Wait.

Is that Bubble Bass?

- What's he doing here
eating all those burritos?

- [munching]

- [munching]

These bean burritos
are terrible.

Nevertheless, I want more.

Nevertheless, I want more.

[buzzer blares]

[munching]

And now to earn my paycheck.

And now to earn my paycheck.

[flatulence]

- OK, boys.

Another batch of
pre-inflated whoopie cushions

Another batch of
pre-inflated whoopie cushions

with lethal death stench
are ready to be boxed.

- [sighs]
Life's a gas.

- [sighs]
Life's a gas.

- They're putting real farts
in whoopie cushions?

- They're putting real farts
in whoopie cushions?

That's against the law.

- Good thing
I got it all on tape.

Now, come on.

Now, come on.

♪ ♪

Dad?

What's he doing here...

in his underwear?

in his underwear?

- Looking sharp, I'd say.

- OK, subject number one.

- OK, subject number one.

We're gonna test out some
electric shock underwear, OK?

We're gonna test out some
electric shock underwear, OK?

- Oh, you may fire when ready.

[buzzer blares]

[electricity cracking]

[electricity cracking]

- [shouts] They work,
they work, they work!

[shouting]

[chaotic orchestral music]

[chaotic orchestral music]

Ugh.

- Well, that was successful.

What else we got here?

What else we got here?

Oh, let's test out
the Pie-O-Matic.

[Herb groaning]

[Herb groaning]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Herb yelping and grunting]

♪ ♪

- I've seen enough!

- I've seen enough!

[both shouting]

They're wasting pies!

They're wasting pies!

[Herb groans]

♪ ♪

- What's going on here?
They're not part of the test.

- What's going on here?
They're not part of the test.

Let's get 'em.

- Guess it's time
for some Explodo-Gum.

- Guess it's time
for some Explodo-Gum.

[dramatic music]

[both shouting]

[both shouting]

♪ ♪

[munching]

[munching]

♪ ♪

- Aw, man.

- Ugh.

Hey, this was my job.

- Not anymore.

- Not anymore.

We're getting you
out of here, Dad.

- Dad?
Who do you think you are?

- Dad?
Who do you think you are?

Oh, sorry, kids.
I'll go with you.

But first, I've got
a major case of Dad breath.

But first, I've got
a major case of Dad breath.

Nothing this minty ice gum
won't fix.

- [sighs] Dad--

Gummit.

- You three, freeze.

- You three, freeze.

Oh, you're good.

Now you two, freeze!

both: Run!

both: Run!

- [panting]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- There's only one way
out of this jam...

oil slick gum.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Whoa!

- [laughs] Got him.

[both yelp]

- Oh, just in time for the
final part of our tour.

- Oh, just in time for the
final part of our tour.

- Uh--

- We're actually on
our way out. [chuckles]

- We're actually on
our way out. [chuckles]

- Oh, no, you're not.

I've got something special
to show you.

I've got something special
to show you.

♪ ♪

Behold, the world's
biggest propeller beanie.

Behold, the world's
biggest propeller beanie.

[beanie whirring]

Pretty neat, huh?

- It is pretty neat.

♪ ♪

- And now, a closer look.

- And now, a closer look.

♪ ♪

[laughs evilly]

[laughs evilly]

- This breeze feels good.

- Run!

[both yelping and panting]

[both yelping and panting]

No, the other way!

- When you go sneaking around
Comedy K Novelties,

- When you go sneaking around
Comedy K Novelties,

the joke's on you.

[laughs evilly]

- Did somebody say joke?

- Did somebody say joke?

- What the?

both: Dad!

- Now, what do you say we
test out some disappearing ink?

- Now, what do you say we
test out some disappearing ink?

- No!

[quirky upbeat music]

[quirky upbeat music]

- [laughs]

both: Dad, hurry!

- Oh, right.
Sorry.

- Oh, right.
Sorry.

[buzzer blares]

Oops.
Wrong button.

[mechanical whirring stops]

both: Phew.

- Let's get out of here.

[mechanical buzzing]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- This videotape is gonna
blow the lid off this place.

[yelps]

- [laughs] Gotcha!

- Are you kidding me, Patrick?

With no videotape,

we'll never be able
to take this company down!

we'll never be able
to take this company down!

- That's what you think.

[air hissing]

[air hissing]

- Now, that's what I call...

Komedy with a K.

Komedy with a K.

[horn honks]

[upbeat jazz music]

- Good evening,
Lonnies and Lonnettes.

- Good evening,
Lonnies and Lonnettes.

Get ready for
the stand-up comedy stylings

of Patrick Star!

of Patrick Star!

[cheers and applause]
- What the?

How'd that get in there?

How'd that get in there?

Uh...

[clam trills]

[clam trills]

Hey, folks!

So shouldn't we call Krabby
patties "grabby" patties?

So shouldn't we call Krabby
patties "grabby" patties?

Because I just wanna
reach out and grab 'em!

[upbeat jazz music stops]

[upbeat jazz music stops]

- [cackles wildly]

Oh, it's like he is in my mind.

Oh, it's like he is in my mind.

And I welcome him.

- You know,
I live with my parents.

People keep asking me,

People keep asking me,

"Patrick, when
are you gonna move out?"

But I tell them
I move out all the time.

But I tell them
I move out all the time.

I move out of my bedroom

into the living room
to watch TV,

into the living room
to watch TV,

and then I move out of there

into the kitchen when
I'm hungry.

into the kitchen when
I'm hungry.

And then I move out
into the bathroom when I--

- Oi!
When does the comedy start?

- Oi!
When does the comedy start?

[laughter and murmuring]

- Well, the show started
a few minutes ago.

- Well, the show started
a few minutes ago.

- You could have fooled me!
It feels like hours!

[laughter]

[laughter]

- Humph.
Mess with my Patrick, will you?

- Is this a comedy routine
or a root canal?

- Is this a comedy routine
or a root canal?

'Cause I've had root canals

that were less painful
and funnier, too!

that were less painful
and funnier, too!

I demand a re--

[sputters]
- What?

Where'd he go?

Where'd he go?

[muffled speech]

- Beats me.

- A-ha.
[bell rings]

Patrick, I think I know

what kind of comedy
this crowd wants.

announcer:
"The Patrick Show" presents...

announcer:
"The Patrick Show" presents...

the roast of Patrick Star!

[upbeat jazz music]

- Who, me?

Ow.

- Good evening, everybody!

- Good evening, everybody!

Let's give it up for the host
we love to roast the most,

Patrick--

wait, where is he?

[steam hissing]

[steam hissing]

[sniffs]

[laughs nervously]

It's not that kind of roast,
Patrick.

[laughter]

[laughter]

- [mouth full]
It's not?

- It's the kind where

guests come up
and make jokes at your expense.

guests come up
and make jokes at your expense.

- My expense?

Well, I hope they take an IOU.

- First up, some familiar faces
from outer spaces,

- First up, some familiar faces
from outer spaces,

Captain Quasar and Pat-Tron.

Captain Quasar and Pat-Tron.

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you, Bikini Bottom.
You're too kind.

- Thank you, Bikini Bottom.
You're too kind.

Say, Pat-Tron,
what's big, gassy,

and gobbles up anything
that comes near it?

and gobbles up anything
that comes near it?

- Uh, is it Patrick Star?

- [laughing] No.

I'm talking about
the planet Jupiter,

I'm talking about
the planet Jupiter,

but Patrick is our
second favorite gas giant.

but Patrick is our
second favorite gas giant.

- Aw.

[giggles]

[belches]

[laughter]

- That's my--

- That's my--

[belches]
Boy.

- Hey, boss.
Why are we here?

- For Patrick.

- For Patrick.

- Right, but I thought we were

supposed to be looking
for intelligent life.

[laughter]

[laughter]

- They say Patrick has a face
only a mother could love.

- They say Patrick has a face
only a mother could love.

[chuckling] Well,
let's put that to the test.

Here's Bunny Star.
[cheers and applause]

[vacuum whirring]

[vacuum whirring]

all: Roast, roast, roast!

- Roast?

I wouldn't roast
my precious baby boy.

I wouldn't roast
my precious baby boy.

Instead,
I'm gonna celebrate him

with some adorable
family photos.

with some adorable
family photos.

This is Patrick potty training.

This is Patrick potty training.

And this is the potty
training Patrick.

[laughter]

[laughter]

- Oh, man.

That kid must have grown up
to be a real doofus.

That kid must have grown up
to be a real doofus.

- And here's Patrick figuring
out how underwear works.

- And here's Patrick figuring
out how underwear works.

[giggles]

- [chuckles]
I remember that.

- Huh?
Who said that?

[yelps]

[yelps]

- 'Scuse me, Patrick.

- [laughs]
Ladies and gentlemen,

it's Patrick's underwear!
[cheers and applause]

it's Patrick's underwear!
[cheers and applause]

- I promise I'll be briefs,
folks.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[laughter]

You know,
they say change is good,

but Patrick here
begs to differ.

but Patrick here
begs to differ.

I've been riding his rump
for three weeks straight.

At least turn me inside out.

At least turn me inside out.

[laughter]

I know you folks didn't
come here for dirty laundry,

but here I am, anyway.
[laughter]

but here I am, anyway.
[laughter]

Thank you, folks.
You've been great.

Now, I'm gonna turn it over to
another wrinkled old specimen,

Now, I'm gonna turn it over to
another wrinkled old specimen,

GrandPat Star!

Whoa!

[tires squealing]

[tires squealing]

- I hope
you brought eyeball diapers,

- I hope
you brought eyeball diapers,

'cause these jokes are
gonna make you wet your face!

As you all know,
Patrick is my grandson,

As you all know,
Patrick is my grandson,

or, as I call him, my...

[dolphin squeaking]

[all gasp]

[all gasp]

[dolphin squeaking continuing]

- OK, give it up for GrandPat,
everybody.

- OK, give it up for GrandPat,
everybody.

Let's get a more
family-friendly roaster

up on the stage, 'K?

Give a big hand

Give a big hand

or a big Hans
for SpongeBob SquarePants.

or a big Hans
for SpongeBob SquarePants.

[SpongeBob laughs]
[cheers and applause]

[thunderous clapping]

- Hey, just 'cause
we're best friends

- Hey, just 'cause
we're best friends

doesn't mean I'm gonna
go easy on you, Patrick.

Better buckle up.

[oohs and laughter]

[oohs and laughter]

- Oh, don't start yet!

I've almost got it!

[grunts]

[grunts]

Do your worst.

- Do you know why
they call him Pa-trick?

all: Why?

all: Why?

- Because he's been known to--
[giggles]

Play a trick or two.

[laughs]

[laughs]

That merry prankster.

[cricket chirping]

Darn it, SpongeBob.
I knew that one was too mean.

Darn it, SpongeBob.
I knew that one was too mean.

I'd better lighten things up.

[chuckles uncomfortably]
Hey, uh, did do you know

[chuckles uncomfortably]
Hey, uh, did do you know

also call him Pat-rick

because Patrick's always good
for a pat on the back?

because Patrick's always good
for a pat on the back?

Huh?

[cricket chirping]

- Hey, my cricket
is not amused.

- Hey, my cricket
is not amused.

- Oh, they still think
I'm too mean.

Oh, uh--
[chuckles uncomfortably]

Did I say
Patrick's my best friend?

Did I say
Patrick's my best friend?

Patrick is actually my

super-extra-double
best friend supreme!

super-extra-double
best friend supreme!

[audience booing]

I'm sorry!

What do you want from me?

What do you want from me?

The shirt off my back?

[SpongeBob sobs]

[SpongeBob sobs]

[laughter]

- Strong finish.

- Comedy,
thy name is SpongeBob.

- Comedy,
thy name is SpongeBob.

[chuckles]

- [laughs] He said name!

[laughs]

[laughs]

- At long last,

we've reached the best part
of the show, the end.

Good night.

Good night.

- Wait!

We didn't get to hear from the
most important roaster of all.

Me.

You'd know Patrick
if you watched his show.

Wait, never mind.

No one watches his show!

No one watches his show!

[laughter]

- I watch your show.

- I watch your show.

Aren't I someone?

[sad violin music playing]

- How could a guy with,
uh, one, two, three,

- How could a guy with,
uh, one, two, three,

four, five points be so dull?

four, five points be so dull?

[laughter]

Who said that?

Over here.

Huh?

Yoo-hoo.

Yoo-hoo.

Huh?

[Patrick growls]

A-ha! You!

My points aren't dull.

My points aren't dull.

They're sharper
than your jokes.

Ow.

Pfft, you call these jokes?

Pfft, you call these jokes?

I saw funnier stars
in my last concussion!

You not nice guy!

You not nice guy!

[tense music]

- Patrick.

all: Fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight!

all: Fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight!

- [gasps] Well, gotta
give the people what they want.

- [gasps] Well, gotta
give the people what they want.

announcer:
Tonight on Pat-Per-View,

it's the self-fight
of the century.

[heavy metal music]

[heavy metal music]

- In this corner,
weighing in at 102 grams,

the sea star slugger,
Patrick Star!

the sea star slugger,
Patrick Star!

- [growls]

- [growls]

- And in the other corner,

weighing in
at 0.22487151 pounds,

weighing in
at 0.22487151 pounds,

the pig pulverizer
and best show host around,

the pig pulverizer
and best show host around,

also Patrick Star!

- Never heard of him.

- Never heard of him.

[bell rings]

[both shouting]

Let me at me!
Let me at me!

Let me at me!
Let me at me!

Ooh.
- He goes for the left hook!

Oh, right in the back
of the noggin!

[Patrick grunts]
An uppercut!

[Patrick groans]

Whoa, the double-whammy!

Whoa, the double-whammy!

[gasps]
What's this?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Patrick screams]

♪ ♪

[audience gasps]

[audience gasps]

- No!

impending bloodshed.

[pants]

[pants]

- [snarls]

[whimpers]

Hey, what gives?

- Oi!

[grunts]

He's so dull in the head,

he's using
the dull end of the sword!

he's using
the dull end of the sword!

[laughter]

- Oh, you didn't mean
my points were dull?

- Oh, you didn't mean
my points were dull?

You meant that our head is dull

because I'm dumb!

[laughs]
Oh, I get it.

[laughs]
Oh, I get it.

[laughs]

[sheepish laughter]
- I still don't get it.

[sheepish laughter]
- I still don't get it.

- [laughs]

That was a real good one.
[chuckles]

You really get me.

Sorry we fought.

No worries.

I love you, man.

I love you, man.

I love you too, Patrick.

all: Aww.

all: Aww.

[soft dramatic piano music]

- [smooching]

[all groan]

[jazzy saxophone note]

[jazzy saxophone note]

[Slappy hyperventilating]

- Show's over, Slappy.

Let's give these two
their privacy.

Let's give these two
their privacy.

[Patrick smooching]

[zany music]

[zany music]

- Ugh, I think I like
being buried alive better.

Ugh.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪