02x08 - Vote for Paul Baker

[bunniefuu]

I came to New York
with a travel toothbrush.

It's one of those cheap ones
with a little plastic cap on top.

Back then, I would, uh, couch
surf, mostly with hookups,

sometimes with older women who
enjoyed watching me bathe their dogs.

Got scratched up
real bad back then.

But a few months ago,
I found myself here in Queens.

And I, uh, found
a place to call home.

And I found a bed with Transformers
sheets that I share with another adult man.

You know, just last week,
I finally got a new toothbrush.

It's electric. Came with a little
stand. Plugs into the wall. It's real nice.

Reaches all the way back.

But I still keep this one,

just to remind myself of a time

when I was a stranger here.

So that's why I'm running for
president of the homeowners association.

To make us all feel just
a little less like strangers.

To make us all feel
a little more at home.

-Thank you.
-Whoo!

-We love you!
-Yeah!

We love you!

-I share a bed with that man. We spoon.
-That's the guy.

Mr. Baker, the question
was about potholes.

Yes.

I'm against them.

Whoo!

Give Donna a cognition test!

-Ma'am.
-We were all thinking it.

Next up, we have our incumbent,
HOA president, Sandy Adler.

-Thank you, Doreen. Thank you all.
-Go, Daddy!

First of all, I just wanna say that I
was very moved by the toothbrush thing.

-Thank you.
-I usually carry floss picks with me,

but my daughter Nina told me
not to pick a fight tonight.

Sandy.

And I you won't. And I won't.

f*ck, he's really good.

I know. 17 straight terms.
Polls have him up by four points.

-There are polls for this? Mmm.
-Yeah, I made them. Yeah. Yeah.

Donna, you're up next.

There's a squirrel in my house
that brings me Turkish delights.

-Cognition test!
-Issa.

♪♪ I need some bad advice ♪♪

♪♪ Stay up tonight ♪♪

♪♪ We'll make it out alive ♪♪

I'm telling you,
he doesn't even k*ll ants.

Thank you so much again for helping me...

What?

I thought you spoke Spanish.

Yeah, I mean,
he's genuinely kind, Sharon.

He's like Mr. Rogers, if
Mr. Rogers had figured out his hair.

-Aw, you mean that?
-Go away.

You can't hear me
say nice things.

-Okay. Guys?
-Ooh. Can you hold?

Okay, take a look at this map.
There are 83 votes up for grabs today,

and we're taking a shot
at every single g*dd*mn one.

-This is a two-man race now.
-Ugh, poor Donna.

-She drove straight through that Carvel.
-Oh, no, she's fine.

-Uh, where's Samir?
-Mentally or physically?

-Mentally, in deep denial.
-Hmm.

-Physically, in his bedroom.
-Mm-hmm.

-Sharon, I'm back.
-Oh.

-Lisa?
-Oh, sorry. Lisa?

Samy, I'm just worried.

Carly, baby, I promise you
it's gonna be fine.

Look, we can FaceTime.
We can Zoom.

All distance is the same now.

Ugh. How did I match to Seattle?
It was so deep on my rank list.

Let's not do that.
Let's think positive.

Dental residency
is insanely competitive.

Plus, Seattle is
an amazing city, right?

Good seafood.
Great-Great needles.

It's so frustrating. I had my
entire life planned out in New York,

and now I don't know
what I'm gonna...

Carly. Oh.

Baby, you're cutting out.

It said my connection
was unstable.

Aw! That's why we practice,
though, right? That's why we practice.

Samir, how are we supposed to
make it through a full year of this?

Hey, do I look worried?

We got this, okay?

Also, look, I added Seattle
to my weather app.

That way when it rains for you,
it rains for me.

Baby, that's Seattle, Texas.

There's a Seattle, Texas?

Are you sure
you didn't match there?

And that's what I thought. Yep.

Okay, we can expect
your vote? Oh!

-Janice, you're an angel!
-Okay, guys, how's it going?

-Paul Baker?
-Yeah.

Patty from Elm Street is being
such an as*h*le about drainage.

-I can't.
-Fair.

-Okay, let me handle. Yeah.
-Take her.

Hey, Jules, thank you again for
helping out. I really appreciate it.

I'm just so proud of you

-for getting involved.
-Mmm.

Do you know I once organized an
entire front row at a Marc Jacobs show?

-Oh, really? For what cause?
-Mm-hmm.

-Just to get dinner after.
-Oh.

Guys, the coverage is starting.

-Oh.
-Carly. Samir.

-Oh, my God. Okay.
-Coming!

Hello, everyone who lives east of
Forest Avenue and west of Franklin Road.

I'm Katie Yeoh,
senior at Garfield High School

and president
of the journalism club.

-I founded that club. Do you know that?
-Yes.

-Shh.
-I'm covering the HOA election today

because that is the assignment
Mr. De la Croix gave me.

Okay. Well, that's a good
beat, Katie. Be grateful.

...excitement in
the air, we're hoping for...

You guys good?

-And I'll be here to cover it all...
-Hmm? Yes. We are great.

-Yeah.
-Great.

Polls have been open
for just under an hour, and so far,

incumbent Sandy Adler has
eight marbles to Paul Baker's six.

Okay, okay.

Oh, my God! Okay!

-Yes, yes, yes!
-We're in this thing, people.

Okay, uh, let's keep
the phone lines hot.

Yes, yes, yes. Okay.

I'll get that. Okay.

-Hi.
-Wow.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Come in.
-Oh. Thank you.

-Thank you.
-Paul Baker.

-Oh, Sandy, what are you doing here?
-Hey.

-Oh, we just stopped by to wish you luck.
-Aw.

You're a good kid, you know?

-Class all the way with this guy, huh?
-Yeah.

Truly, I-I walk in the...
in the footsteps of giants.

-Mm-hmm.
-Hey, real quick,

is there a restroom I could use?

You get to be my age,
it's, like, every five minutes.

-Yeah. Okay.
-Doctor says

It's not a prostate thing or anything,
but, you know, then what is it?

That's what I wanna know.

-Oh, I'm, uh, Billie Schaeffer...
-Hi.

By the way,
Paul Baker's campaign manager.

Nina Adler, Sandy's daughter.

Your dad seems so sweet.

-Oh, I know. He's the best.
-Aw.

Yeah, he means
the world to me, and...

and, you know, the HOA
means the world to him.

Oh, my God, you're standing
so close to me.

-Oh, yeah. I'm intimidating you.
-What?

Here's the thing
about 70-year-old men,

Billie Schaeffer,
they're bored as f*ck.

They're retired.

Their wives want them out of the
house, so they find a little hobby.

And for my dad, he found the HOA.
Now, you probably don't get this,

but when you stop working,
you can get a little lost.

I actually do understand that.

The HOA is not for you.

Do you understand?

Do you all live here, huh?
All five of you?

Yes.

You know, three or more unrelated
adults living under the same roof

is what the city of Queens
likes to call a zoning violation.

It's just a little tidbit
I picked up from the HOA.

Okay.

I mean, this is the time of your life
when your friends are your family.

Oh, my God, that's so cute.

Like, you think you're the first people
to be young and adorable in New York?

Don't answer that. Not so.

So guess what?

If your friend unseats my dad today, this
little sex dungeon that you all reside in...

I'm gonna report it.

And then I'm gonna
blow it to pieces.

-When it comes to recycling...
-You ready, Daddy?

-Yeah. Yeah, Nin, yeah.
-Yeah?

-Did you get it all out?
-Well, most of it.

-Okay, great.
-Well, happy election day, g*ng.

-Happy election day.
-Good luck, guys.

-May the best man win, you know?
-Good luck. All right.

-Bye. Okay.
-Come on, Nin.

Okay, bye, guys.

Take care. Drive safe.

He peed so much.

So many different directions.

What?

It's not fair.
This is our home.

It's f*cking blackmail.

No, it's politics. I mean,
she's House of Cards'ing us.

She touched you?

-What?
-What?

Okay, that's it, right?
I-I-I'll just...

I will drop out,
and everything will be fine.

No, you can't drop out
once voting started,

and we're already


f*ck. Ugh, dude.

Oh, this is all my fault, man.

I was just trying to
lay roots, but I guess instead

I'm like one of those roots
that cracked the sidewalk.

So, I'm so sorry, guys.

-You didn't know. Yeah.
-No, no.

-Guys, new results are in.
-Oh, my God.

Well,

we've got
an exciting race update.

Newcomer Paul Baker
has taken the lead...

-No.
-with 21 marbles to Adler's 19.

-Oh, sh*t.
-Oh, my God, this is it.

We're gonna have to move out.

No.

-We're not.
-What?

If there's one thing I know,
it's how not to get a job.

It's just a question
of manpower and targeting.

-This is Kerry, Iowa, 2004.
-What is that? Is that a sh**ting?

No.

-Right?
-No.

Okay. No.

Wait, I-I'm sorry, Bills.
W-What are you saying?

I'm saying we're gonna tank
this campaign.

Samir and
Carly, man the phones.

Issa and Anton, we need boots
on the ground at the library.

Julia Fox, you are famous, and I don't
feel comfortable bossing you around.

That's fair.

Okay, people, this is no longer
a campaign for Paul Baker.

This is a campaign against him.

We are going to lose this election
and keep our house. Giddyap.

How do you feel about "giddyap"?

Not great.
Let me run that back.

-Okay.
-Um...

-Let's go!
-There we go.

-Yes! Let's lose this!
-Yeah.

This is crazy. I always thought we
were gonna live in that house forever.

And it'd be so cute,
and I'd get sad,

and then I would move out and try
to spin off, and that wouldn't work,

so I'd move back in,
and it would get cute again.

-David, David. David.
-Oh. Oh.

-Hi, David. I love this vest.
-Hi.

Um, did you decide
who you're voting for today?

I did. Our phone call
last week convinced me.

Okay. Okay, David, David, I wonder
if you've been convinced too quickly.

-Yeah.
-Right? You have a tendency to do that.

-Ugh.
-Remember the time-share?

-What?
-David.

You said that Paul Baker was
like home to you.

-What?
-No, no, I don't... No.

Yeah, you said
you never recycle,

but you do it now to impress
him, even when he's not there.

You said that?

-Hmm? I...
-Oh, excuse me.

-Hi. What are you doing?
-Oh, sh*t. It's the librarian. Charm her.

-Charm her.
-You can't talk to the voters.

Oh. Um, hi.

-Hi.
-Are-Are-Are you the librarian here?

-Yes.
-Thank you for your service.

Look at your
name. Margaux, like Château.

Or "Mar-gocks,"
like no name we've ever heard.

Okay. Well,
you guys seem great.

-Oh, thank you.
-Thank you.

But, um...

You'll have
to head out now, lassies.

-Sorry?
-What?

Um, sorry, just Irish.

I felt weird about asking you
guys to leave, so I was doing Irish.

Oh, my God,
she's a weird little guy.

Wow. So, do you work here then?

Is this your here salt mine, where
you're burning your midnight oil?

Me, if I was on a black-and-white photo.

Well, you know, this
here is my saloon, if you will and please.

Well, then
you better pour me a whiskey

and call me your mayor because
I wanna get to know this place.

Go. Voter intimidate. Go.

David, David,
Paul Baker had a g*n to my head

as I said those things, so...

-What?
-Yes.

Things are heating up
at the Bayside North Library,

and we are covering it all.

So you're doing long distance.

-Yeah.
-That's great.

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Thank you, Julia Fox,
'cause some people were saying...

Carly, Julia Fox said
we're gonna be fine.

Oh. She's on the phone.

No, I mean
you're gonna break up, but...

-What? No. Why?
-That's how long distance works.

You give it your all for the
first three to four months,

and eventually your
relationship will dwindle down

to sending each other
Instagram memes.

You know, and there's chatbots
for that. So, what's the point?

But that's not always
how it goes, though, right?

Well, I-I mean, not-not always.
Like, Paris, London, that works.

Even Paris, Lisbon kinda works.

Paris, Barcelona...

Come on,
I don't need to tell you.

-Bills, where have you been?
-Yeah. No, no, I know, I know.

I'm up, like, six marbles.
I-It's a disaster. I'm gonna win.

Hey, it's okay.
I'm on it, okay?

-I called in backup.
-What backup?

Well, if you wanna lose this election, we
need people who make you look unelectable.

-You didn't.
-I did.

-Billie.
-Baker!

Let's f*ck sh*t up!

Samir, I have to go.

-No. Julia.
-Yeah, I have to go. I'm sorry.

-I'm really turned on by them.
-Julia, no.

No, this is exactly my type. I
know. I'm sick. I'm sick. I have to go.

-I'm sorry!
-Julia!

-I told you everything I know.
-Jul...

-Okay, bye, guys. We're gonna lose.
-Bye, Jules.

Okay.

-Big bros!
-Ow.

I need you to drag my name
through the mother-loving shitter!

Yeah!

You're gonna lose!

And I won't
have any of your friends.

Well, if
you won't wear my gloves...

Joanne, between us,
Paul Baker's a r*cist.

And he knew Ghislaine. Well.

This morning, you told me that Paul Baker
found out you were allergic to almonds,

and now he calls every restaurant ahead
of time to make sure there's no almonds.

That man has my marble.

You said that
to Side-bangs Joanne?

Yeah, back when we were
pro-Baker. Issa, I was pitching him.

-Pretty close race, huh?
-Oh, God.

Seeing a lot of marbles
in your buddy's jar.

-Yeah, we're working on it.
-Okay, well, tick, tick.

That's the sound of the seconds
counting down on a clock.

God, you are
such an intense person.

Thank you so much.
I strive for that.

-What do you do for a living?
-I'm a therapist.

-Oh, my God. Wow. Do you have a card?
-Yes.

I don't take insurance, though.

That's totally fine. My parents
are rich. Don't tell my friends.

-Do you have guilt around that?
-Yeah, it's really hard.

-Yeah.
-It's just hard for no one to know.

-I understand. Save it for the couch.
-Of course. Thanks, Mom.

-Oh, God, it's happening.
-It's okay.

Don't f*ck this up,
or I will ruin you.

Do you think she can separate
work and personal?

Yeah, I think she's probably
really good at that.

-Yes, thank you.
-Thank you. Billie, one vote for Adler. And your name is? Wow! Your name's spelled like "b*ner."

I got Garcia for Adler, twice!

Yo, PB! Can I tell this guy about the
time you hooked up with OJ's parents?

Today, and today only,
Roach, yes, you may.

-Yes!
-Saved their marriage, by the way.

Baby. Did you know that
Seattle to New York

is basically like
London to Paris?

Oh, um...

I don't think it is. I think it's
more like London to, like, Moscow.

When you think about Europe...

Yeah.

New tally! New tally!
There's a new tally!

Jesus Christ, Katie. Find your
mark. The camera's losing you.

Well, it's officially
neck-and-neck

as incumbent Sandy Adler has
caught back up to Paul Baker.

-Forty-one to 41.
-Okay, yes!

Yes!

I'm hearing from the old lady
who sits near the marbles

that the HOA has never seen
turnout like this before.

And with one marble left to
drop, this one is a nail-biter.

Only one left. Okay, Billie,
who is it? Who is it?

Uh... Eighty, ninety.
It's Mr. Lee.

sh*t. No.

I shoveled his driveway last
week. I'm like a son to him.

-We're f*cked. I'm gonna win.
-f*ck.

-Damn it.
-f*ck.

No, okay, wait. Hey, guys.

-It all comes down to this.
-Yes, sir. Yep.

As Mr. Lee goes,
so goes the nation!

-Yes!
-Let's do it!

-Yes!
-We're not giving up.

-Yes! Let's do this sh*t!
-Yeah. Yeah.

And if I could just also...

Sorry, desk chair... Um...

Just wanted to let everyone know
that no matter what happens, if we...

if we get to stay or if we have to
go, I won't be living here anymore.

-What?
-Wait, what?

'Cause I'll be moving...

I'll be moving to Seattle.

-Whoa.
-Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, wait.

Wait, Samy, what?

No, it's okay. You guys
can stay if Paul Baker loses.

-It's fine. I've decided.
-But we're not...

I decided, baby.
We're moving to Seattle.

The Windy
City. The Windy City.

I don't think that's Seattle.

Windy City of brotherly love.

And so then, Mr. Lee,
we all realized,

whoops, Sandy Adler
actually is the man for the job.

So, Mr. Lee, what we're asking you
is, please just vote for the other guy.

Right, Bills?

-Hmm?
-Right?

Yes, yes.

Change isn't always
a good thing, Mr. Lee.

Actually, sometimes you can
have a really good thing going

and then change can
just come along and just...

-Billie?
-Be really scary.

Be really scary and ultimately
just unnecessary, in my opinion.

Yeah. So, what do you say,
Mr. Lee, huh?

How about it?

No.

I'm sorry. No?

Mr. Lee, I feel like
if you just knew Sandy, then...

Oh, I know Sandy Adler.

He was my friend for 32 years.

-He was?
-Mm-hmm.

So, what...

-What, uh... What happened?
-We drifted apart.

Time took its toll, like it does
on all friendship. It happens.

Well, okay, but I'm sure you
guys can get through this, right?

-Hey, if any...
-And then he f*cked my wife.

Oh.

A bunch.

We are gonna...

-We're gonna leave.
-Thank you so much for your time.

-Samy?
-Hey, no.

No, you're not supposed
to see me yet.

-What?
-Okay, fine.

I found this Seattle SuperSonics
jersey in my dad's drawer.

He was a huge Kemp fan,
but I had a whole thing planned.

I don't want to spoil it.

Um...

Hey, so when were you planning
on asking me about this?

-What?
-About moving.

What do you mean?
This is perfect.

Like, this way we don't
have to go back and forth.

No, Samy, you can't just move.

Your entire life is here.

Okay, so... so you'd rather
do long-distance?

No.

Well, it's got to be one
or the other.

Right?

No.

I really love our relationship.

I just... I never want to get
to a place where I don't.

What are you saying?

Presenting Seattle's newest
power forward, Samir Rahman!

-Guys, it's really not a good time.
-Samir!

-What the hell?
-Samir!

This is the thing I had planned.

Dude! Go! sh**t!

♪♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪♪

Oh, my God.

-No more soup, Mommy! I'm too full!
--Okay, I am gonna text you.

Okay.

Okay. What's going on?

-Looks like you're having fun.
-Yeah.

I mean, she's really cute,
and I'm really funny, so...

sh*t.

-Mmm?
-Billie says it's not going our way.

Yay.

No, like he's gonna win, Iss.
We're gonna have to move out.

No.

So then you have
to tell Paul Baker.

-What?
-That... That you have feelings for him.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I knew you
were attracted to him,

but I didn't realize until today
you have actual feelings for him.

-You do. Yes, you do.
-No.

Everything you said
about recycling and almonds,

like, you were physically
incapable of talking sh*t about him,

and you love talking sh*t.

That's just not true.
I said he knew Ghislaine.

Okay, you know
I don't know actors, Anton.

I've been thinking about it,

and you kinda had the best-case
scenario for a first relationship.

-Really?
-Yeah. I mean, no cheating,

no major f*ck-ups, and you
split because of circumstances.

Samy, you pitched
a perfect game.

Whoo.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna miss being
someone's boyfriend.

Is that crazy?

Honestly? A little.

I was good at it.

Yeah.

It was really scary when I
thought you were leaving.

Anton, it's me.
You can tell me. I'm okay.

-Issa, just drop it, okay?
-No, I'm not dropping...

It's gonna make you sick inside

-if you don't say it out loud.
-Can you stop?

-Oh, my God.
-Wait, is that...

-Call them. Call them. Call them.
-Yes. I am. I am. I am.

Tell me.

-I'm not some stranger on the street.
-Issa.

-Like, you...
-She's not picking up.

You have
feelings for Paul Baker.

-Issa...
-Wait, what did she just say?

Admit
it. Come on. Just say it.

-You really do. Oh, my God.
-Issa, can you stop?

Oh, my God.

Who do you think
you're talking to right now?

-Can I stop? No.
-Yes, you could stop.

You can...
Anton, you can tell me.

-Issa.
-I... It's so obvious.

Say it.
You have to say it. I can tell.

It's f*cking embarrassing, Iss.

What is embarrassing?
Loving someone?

-Yes.
-I knew it!

Oh, sh*t.

-Oh, my God.
-Man, g*y guys have my heart.

I know it makes you uncomfortable,
but you deserve his kindness.

Oh, no. The sign-language
lady's interpreting it.

And his tenderness
and his big, beautiful c*ck.

Don't sign that.

Don't...
You can't sign that. Don't...

She's signing that.

-Issa, I can't. I couldn't.
-You do. Why?

He was your person.

It doesn't matter.

We are all gonna f*ck people
and fall in love

and get our hearts broken
a thousand times.

But our friendship is the most
important thing in the world to me.

And no one is ever gonna
get in the way of that.

Our friendship comes first.
Always.

Do you understand that?

Of course.

Of course.

Great. Then go f*ck
his brains out, crazy girl.

-Go.
-Okay, okay, okay.

-Oh, my God!
-They're coming home. They're coming home.

They're like two blocks away.

What do I do?
What do I do, guys?

-Bro, just do it.
-Kiss him on the lips.

Kiss him
and tell me how it feels!

Kiss him like a sl*t, then kiss him
like a princess, then kiss him like both.

-You're gonna tell him!
-I'm really gonna tell him.

-I love you!
-I love you so much!

Issa, pothole!

I don't want to ruin
another good thing, guys.

I already ruined our house.
I blew up our home.

No, no. Don't say that, okay?
Just trust your gut.

What does your gut say?

I've never run this much.

No, that's not true.

I've done a boot-camp class once,
but it was mostly for the smoothies.

-Oh, my God, their smoothies are so good.
-So good.

I'm telling you,
take it from me.

Even if it all goes away,
it's worth it.

-I promise!
-I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Okay, Paul Baker, forget what
you're supposed to do.

What is gonna make you happy?

Hi.

Hey.

-Holy sh*t. You lost.
-What?

After a
down-to-the-wire marble count,

Sandy Adler has been reelected for
his 18th consecutive term on the HOA.

This has been
an unprecedented election,

and I think this footage is
going to get me into Bowdoin.

♪♪ People are wasteful
They waste all the food ♪♪

♪♪ People are hateful
And people are rude ♪♪

♪♪ But God
I love some people sometimes ♪♪

♪♪ Because people are
The greatest thing to happen ♪♪

♪♪ I said God
I love some people sometimes ♪♪

♪♪ Because people are
The greatest thing to happen ♪♪

♪♪ I said I have faith
In my fellow man ♪♪

♪♪ And I only hope
That he has faith in me ♪♪

My roommates
are asleep, and if we wake them up,

they'll want to play
"get to know you" games.

-I'm actually really good at those.
-Oh, really?

Mm-hmm. Oh!

-Not everyone's sleeping.
-Um...

-What?
-No, nothing. Just, uh...

-Two of my roommates are hooking up.
-Oh.

Yeah.

And how do we feel about that?

We're actually...

really happy about it.

Are we good?

Yeah, Bills. Yeah.

Yeah, we're good.

♪♪ I wanna be
Anywhere other than this ♪♪

♪♪ I wanna see
My best friend waving at me ♪♪

♪♪ I wanna be living with you ♪♪

♪♪ Seeing it through ♪♪

♪♪ Do you wanna play? ♪♪

♪♪ Forever
How long can I play? ♪♪