02x03 - Talia

[bunniefuu]

Ugh. If I'm ever in a coma,
put braces on my teeth.

-Okay.
-Thanks, buddy.

Oh, thank you.

-Hey.
-Hi.

Wait, that's your secret smile.
You've got a little secret.

It's... It's nothing really. It's...

Tell us!

My sister wants my sperm.

Oh.

Context?
Any context would be lovely.

-Explain, please.
-Right, yes. Okay, scooch.

-So... my mom and I are on the phone, right?
-Uh-huh.

I'm telling her I'm hungry,
she's listing off foods I can eat.

And suddenly she tells me

that my sister Talia and her wife
are thinking about having a baby.

-Oh, my...
-Wait, wait.

And then out of the blue,

Talia texts me saying she wants
to stop by the house next week.

I mean, she's
after my seed, ultimately.

Oh, my God.
First baby of the friend group.

-That's wild.
-Look, it's not that big of a deal.

This is just what happens when two little
g*y siblings become two big g*y grown-ups.

I mean, you have to assume one
might ask the other for genetic material.

What? Why this?
Why the silence?

No, nothing. I just... I didn't realize
that you had that kind of relationship.

You're famously a monster
around your big sister.

-Yeah, that.
-I mean, yes.

Have I historically been
something of a drain to Talia? Sure.

But does it feel so good to
finally be seen as a faucet? It does.

Like a faucet in a few ways.

Can I just ask the thing?

No, Samir, it's not incest, okay?
Her wife would be carrying the baby.

No, I was...

-gonna ask if you feel nervous.
-Aw.

A little bit.

But mostly, I'm excited.

-And honored.
-Mm-hmm.

And ready. Oh, I'm ready.

Can you believe it?

Such a good retcon.

I was totally gonna ask
the incest thing.

I was right there
with you, brother. Yeah.

♪♪ I need some bad advice ♪♪

♪♪ Stay up tonight ♪♪

♪♪ We'll make it out alive ♪♪

Your egg freezing kit
includes FSH, trigger shot...

-Gonadotropin. Where is it?
-Wow.

I did not know
you were so serious about this.

Yeah, Anton becoming an uncle-father
made me take a good hard look

at my own fertility.

-Like, I'm an only child.
-No. You?

Which made me special,
but ultimately lonely.

So I want five kids.

Which means I got to throw
some eggs on ice.

Iss, please let me know
if I can help with any of this.

-Okay?
-Thank you.

-You know what they say about fertility.
-No, what?

-I don't know, like, specifically.
-Oh.

-Okay, I am off.
-Wow, there she is.

Juror number four in the courts
but number one in our hearts.

Thanks. Yeah, I don't know why
people complain about jury duty so much.

It's really not that bad.

-And by that you mean...
-I'm having the best week of my life.

-There it is.
-Yep.

God, all this time
looking for a job

and then one comes along
mandated by the state.

I have routine. I have structure. I have
a judge who sees me as a daughter.

I'm sorry I can't help you with
your egg freezing this week.

Oh, my God, it's okay.
My ovaries know you care.

That's for me. I've got it.

I'm getting it. That's for me.
I'm getting it. Excuse me! Whoo!

-Hi!
-Hi!

You guys, my big sister's here.

What the f*ck is that?

Wow, crown moldings?

-Prince in a palace.
-I know.

My face is on the currency.
I look regal but stern.

Like, mm-mmm.

Okay, okay. Couch or chairs?
How do you picture it?

We could do the couch. I'm
not gonna be here that long.

Great, couch. I can
really see it on the couch.

So...

Do you want to start,
or should I?

-I don't know how this works.
-I could start. Yeah.

Okay, so you left this at Mom
and Dad's house, so take that.

-Okay.
-Oh. Mom wanted me to give you this.

She says you need
to drink some more water.

She's worried that you're only drinking
juice and you'll be dead by 40. Okay?

-Okay.
-Good.

And...

Yes?

I need you to sign this card for Nana
and Pop-pop 'cause it's their anniversary.

All right? So here,
sign your name.

Big boy handwriting.
Thank you, sir.

Great, and signed for you.

Thank you.

And anything from me
that you might need?

Like what?

Come on. Talia.

Anton. What?

Okay, okay.

You can have my sperm.

Wh...

I know.

It's the gift of life. There
is no right way to react to it.

What are you talking about?

What?

Because Mom said you and
Brooke were trying to have a baby.

Yeah but, like, I'm not gonna let the
kid that ruined every family vacation

father my child.

I mean, you left your jacket
at Mommy and Daddy's house.

Okay. First of all,
it was Mom's car, actually.

And you ruined Puerto Vallarta.

-You got your period on the banana boat.
-All right, we're done here.

-I'm gonna leave.
-Bye.

-What do you want me to do with this?
-I don't want that.

Fine, you probably don't even
know how to use it anyway.

-Fine, I'll keep it.
-If you insist. Okay.

Opposite trick. You just used
the opposite trick on me, Talia.

-You're still doing the opposite trick.
-I didn't, Anton.

You did. Keep the Brita. Okay? We
don't have space to plug it in anyways.

Plug it in? Bro.

It goes in the fridge.

It's a figure of speech, Talia!

That's a figure of speech.
You don't know slang.

-Hey, baby.
-Mom.

-How'd it go?
-He's a disaster.

No, he's a full-on disaster.

Oh.

-Hey, Iss.
-Hey.

Do you need any help with that?

Oh, I mean If you're not doing
anything today, yeah, sure.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, I just need to jab this,

um... ...into
here, but, uh...

I'm scared.

-All right.
-This feels huge.

I'm just a child.
Samir. Like...

-What if I strike the core?
-Hey. It's okay.

-Do you want me to try?
-Yes, thank you.

Just know whatever I say while you're
doing it, like, I don't mean any of it.

Yeah. It's fine.

f*ck you,
you're gonna die!

You're a b*tch! You're a loser
incel, f*cking eunuch, you b*tch!

-Let's try something else.
-Yeah, that sounds good. Okay.

Here we go.

Sorry, go again.

Sorry, go again.

-Run at it. Run at it!
-Okay!

Okay, I'm ready. Samir?

-Here comes the airplane.
-Don't do that.

Just throw it at me.
Throw... ...You missed.

-Oh, my God.
-What?

-Back up into it.
-I can't, I can't, I can't.

Oh, my God. What is that?

Nice.

-What the hell?
-Right?

Oh, my God, wait.

-Same time tomorrow?
-Same time tomorrow.

Iss, you don't mind
that I'm not helping?

No, it's actually great.

Freezing your eggs
is so vulnerable.

You're, like, hormonal.

Someone has to pinch
your belly fat every day.

So I needed someone that I could never,
ever feel any sexual attraction towards.

And that's why I chose Samir.

I'm a caretaker now.

-Carly says it's very becoming of me.
-Aw.

You can use "becoming"
like that. Did you know that?

Okay, well, I'm glad your
fertility journey's going well.

-'Cause mine has been so bad.
-Sweetie.

I mean, Talia has no interest
in having my child.

Can you believe that? She
literally laughed in my face.

So, Anton? Some of us are never
gonna have kids with our sisters.

Is that really the worst thing?

Okay, but this isn't actually
about the kid, right?

It's, like,
what the kid represents.

Yes, this is about
how my sister sees me.

Which is so far from the charming,
well adjusted person I've become.

Oh.

Regular or premium?

Ugh. What would you do,
a splash of both?

I'm kidding.
We'll just take regular, please.

-Thank you. Yeah.
-Regular it is.

See? That's the charming Anton
that we know.

Oh, one second. Sorry.

Hi, sweetie.

What the hell is wrong with you,
Mom? You made me look like an idiot!

What are you talking about?
What did I do this time?

I'm talking about
your daughter, who you raised.

Why would you raise someone like that?
I'm just curious. Why would you do that?

-Whoa.
-We know, yeah.

So he's a delight to all seven
billion people on this earth

except the three
he's related to.

Call her, Mom, okay?

Tell her to take my sperm.
Tell her she has to.

There he is.

-There you go.
-Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

-You're a dream.
-Me?

No, not you, Mom.
You're a f*cking nightmare!

-Hey, hey, Anton, I think we should...
-Mom, Mom,

if you don't fix this, I will
never speak to you again, okay?

We will only communicate through Dad,
and we both know he cannot convey tone.

I gotta walk the dog.
I'll call you back.

'Kay. Say hi to Dad. Love you.

Oh.

Guys, I'm gonna say it.

I think this has
been the best day of the trial yet.

Like, everyone is just,
like, bop-bop-bop, on fire.

-Yeah.
-Totally.

Hey, Rodney, be honest, are
we the best jury you've ever seen?

Oh. We got him.
He's smiling. He's smiling.

Oh, uh, guys, that reminds me,
did everyone join the group chat?

-I did.
-I did.

FYI, I didn't include the
alternates in the group chat.

They are alternates
for a reason.

Should that go on the board?

Board, board, board, board!

Okay, put it on the board.

-Ugh, Is Billie home yet?
-No.

Where is she? Oh, my
God. She left the kitchen a mess.

-Hey, Ant, so, earlier with your mom...
-Ugh. I know, I know.

-We bicker.
-No, that was not bickering.

That was like a whole other guy
I've never met before.

-Ok-Okay.
-I'm gonna be honest with you.

Your sister is not going to want
to have a baby with that guy.

That was not...

sperm-worthy.

It's just... It's hard.

My family sees me a certain way
and then I act a certain way,

and then they see me
that way more.

The cycle, it's vicious.

No, dude, I
get that. That's family, right?

But we got to show Talia
the person that you are now.

-You're the most mature of any of us.
-No, no, no.

-You have TSA PreCheck.
-No, Global Entry.

You have a Wordle streak,
for f*ck's sake.

Yeah, and I'm actually diving
into Connections.

-You're diving in!
-Yeah, I'm dabbling now.

Okay, so let's show her that
guy, right? And I can help you.

-Really?
-Oh, yeah. I'm the sister whisperer.

My sister Blair Baker and I
have only ever fought once ever.

It was over Cheez-Its.

We said sorry for weeks.

I mean, sure, if you want to.

Hey, are you guys hungry?

-Oh, my God.
-Hey, Samy, wait!

No! You're balding, you're short, you're
a loser, you live in your mom's house!

-Nice.
-Oh.

-Best one yet? Yeah! Whoo!
-Right?

Hell of a day. Hell of a day.

Ladies and gentlemen.

-Rodney.
-The judge would like a word.

Oh, my God,
I bet we're being sequestered.

The bailiff has brought
something to my attention.

Who here sent baked goods to all
the litigants and their legal teams?

Oh, my God.

In all my years on the bench,
I've never seen anything like this.

No, you have not.

Who did this?

Because whoever did
just caused a mistrial.

-What?
-Mistrial?

What? A mistrial?

g*dd*mn it.
Who was it? Admit it.

Guys, admit it.
If it was you, admit it.

Juror number four?

Oh, my God?

Underneath her seat.

Between our seats,
but mostly under her seat.

I can't believe this.

Juror number four.

Can I please be considered
for the retrial?

Do you think we have
enough candles?

Like, does it look candlelit
or just lit by candles?

Okay, Anton.
Hey, Ant, look at me.

Breathe, okay?

You are a grown up and Talia's
gonna see what the rest of us see.

-Okay.
-Trust me, after tonight,

your sister's gonna be begging
for your sperm.

-Okay?
-Okay, you're right. You're right.

They're here.

Okay, okay.

They're here.

Wow, this is quite a fancy...

what is it, a diner?

-Well, we did the place up.
-Stop it.

Just for you.

Uh, bro? We good?

Because of yesterday?

Oh, water, bridge.
We're here.

-Okay. Good. I love that.
-Great.

And you must be Brooke.
What a pleasure.

-I'm so sorry. You are?
-I'm Paul Baker.

I'm your maître d'
this fine evening.

-Ooh la la.
-Right?

French. Le Louvre.

-Please, let us hang up your coats.
-Oh, yes, thank you so much.

-Thank you so much.
-Thank you.

-Put 'em in there?
-Hang on. Hang on.

-With the menu and everything.
-I know. It's impressive.

Hi.

Can I get us started
with a red wine, white wine?

Do you have a Pinot?

Ooh. Lovely choice.
Let me go check the cellar.

Okay, cellar.-

You know what
I've been thinking a lot about?

How Mom and Dad
have inner lives.

Do you know
what I mean by lives?

I don't know, it's just something
I've been thinking about.

How do we feel
about a 2019 vintage?

I mean, that's great. That's
the year that we met, so...

-We know.
-We know.

Stop it!

No way!

Yeah.

Sit your little skinny waist
down right here.

It-It's crazy.

It's like I'm back in
high school chemistry suddenly.

"The meniscus." Never thought
I'd see her again.

This is so sweet of you, Samy.

Aw. What can I say?
I'm becoming.

No, seriously, Samir has been great,
Carly, and I have not made it easy.

-No, it's a vulnerable time.
-I'm just impressed, Issa.

-Like, this takes some real foresight.
-I know, right?

Yeah, well, she wants five kids.

One named after each season.

Fall and autumn.

-Yeah.
-Beautiful.

How many does Paul Baker want?

-Hmm. I actually don't know.
-No?

But we haven't been dating
for that long.

So, like, you guys don't know
how many kids you want, right?

-Well...
-Well, I always wanted two kids...

-Yes.
-but Carly wants three,

so we're settling on two
and a happy accident.

And a Labradoodle named Randy.

Uh, Russell. See,
we can't agree on anything.

-Okay, and we're ready.
-Hmm?

f*ck you! f*ck you! Die!

Okay, we got a runner.

I'd cancel the reservation.

Oh, and I should mention before it gets
too late in the night, dinner's my treat.

No, come on, you can't blow
all this money on us.

No, no, no. Anton
is very fiscally responsible.

In fact, he has a credit score.

-Wow.
-It's true.

And a job in a skyscraper.
Who said that?

-It was me.
-Okay, then I'm ordering dessert.

And I'm enjoying it.

So, Paul Baker, how long
have you been in New York?

Like three years now.

Like, wow, time flies. I moved
down from Canada after university.

-University.
-University instead of college.

Oh, my God,
I love me some Canadians.

Honestly, New York really feels
like home now.

-Don't tell my parents I said that.
-Oh!

Anton, you have
such nice friends.

Aw. Thanks.

-Are you serious?
-Mm-hmm.

-We could always ask.
-No, what? What's up?

-Float it.
-Okay, um...

-Wow, I can't believe this is happening.
-I know!

Okay, okay. So not to put
anybody on the spot.

-No, no.
-But, God.

Would you, like, ever consider
being our sperm donor...

-Yes!
-Paul Baker?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Oh, hey, dude. Let's just...

I have been begging to give you my
sperm all week, and you're gonna take his?

Anton. We're just taking
a temperature check.

-Temper... They're just taking...
-I invited you to this dinner. I'm paying.

I am wearing a g*dd*mn merino turtle
neck that goes up to my f*cking ears,

-and you still see me as a child?
-Yeah, I see you as a child

because you're yelling in a
restaurant like a f*cking child.

Actually, who's yelling now?
I think it's you.

-Because you make me yell!
-Do you hear her?

Do I yell in real life?

-Never.
-I surely don't. You make me yell!

You know, my sister Blair Baker and I
once got in a huge fight over Cheez-Its.

I'm not yelling. I'm not
yelling anymore. I'm whispering. Okay?

I'm whispering so quietly
that only a fairy can hear me,

and the fairies are telling me they hate
you because you're such a stupid b*tch.

-Hey yo, f*ck your fairies.
-Okay. I get how this can be frustrating.

Take my sperm, Talia.
Take it. Take my sperm!

-Carrot cake, Brooke?
-I'd love some cake. Thank you.

-Do you hear yourself, Anton?
-Do you hear yourself?

-You're making everyone uncomfortable.
-Me?

Look, they're muttering off to the side.
They're having a full side conversation.

It uses...
It's like sour cream icing.

You know, it would
go really good with coffee.

Hello? Hello? What?

Listen, if you don't want to be here
right now, nobody's keeping you here.

No, I wanna be here.
I set this up. I wanna be here.

Then what do you wanna do?
You wanna sit down?

Fine.

Opposite trick!

Oh, my God, Anton!

You're embarrassing me
in front of my friend!

You're embarrassing me
in front of my wife.

Well, my friend is also my husband,
so that's two. That counts twice.

-I win.
-I'm sorry, what?

Brooke, let's go. I'm gonna put
a baby in you right now.

I had sex with a girl once and
a lot came out, so let's try it.

-I'm okay.
-Ew.

I obviously don't wanna
have sex with a woman.

Why would I want to have sex
with a woman? I don't like women!

I'm f*cking g*y!

Someone's in here, Talia.

Please...

-Why didn't you tell me you were married?
-Paul Baker needed a visa.

So what, Talia? You don't know
everything about me.

No, I don't know everything about you
because you only show me one thing.

Okay! I would love to show you more,
Talia, but I-I-I can't! I can't. Okay?

If you were a stranger, I could show you
any part I wanted, but I can't with you.

I don't know. I don't know why,
I can't.

-What? What is this?
-Put your hand in my hand.

-What are you doing?
-Just put your hand in my hand.

Hi,

my name is Talia,
and I'm your sister,

but I'm also someone who writes
the newsletter for my building.

I'm learning Italian.

Also, when I get drunk,
I like to climb on things.

This is so weird. This is like we're
at a conference. I can't do this.

-What is this?
-Just go with it. Roll with it.

Just do it.

Okay.

-Hey, I'm Anton.
-Hi.

Uh, I work in digital ad sales.

And I have a recurring dream
about Zoe Kravitz,

and my friends want me
to do a sleep study about it.

-Anton.
-What?

I too work in digital ad sales.

I think I would know if you
worked in digital ad sales, Talia.

Well, you never asked me.

-Do you use SalesDock Pro?
-I f*cking hate SalesDock Pro.

But it's the only way
to calculate ROI. No!

No!

-What?
-Yes!

Huh.

Have my children.

We were so close.

Is that a no?

Okay, that's a big family.
So you want four?

Yeah, I think four. Yeah.
Three girls and then one boy.

You know,
so I'm like mainly a girl dad,

but I still have a chance
to raise a good man.

-How about you? How many kids?
-I always thought I'd have two.

One I like,
one I don't.

-Well, that's...
-f*ck you, you b*tch!

You're a f*cking loser!
You live in your mom's house!

-f*ck you, get away!
-Oh, sh*t!

Issa, stop!

Hop off my d*ck!

-Whoa! Guys!
-Someone grab her!

f*ck you, f*ck you,
f*ck you! I hope you die!

-Get away from me!
-Order! Issa!

Order! Order! Or...

Issa.

Issa, Issa.

-You need to take it.
-I'm hormonal.

Boo-hoo. We are all hormonal.

Anton, help.

Give me it.

-Stay back.
-You stay back.

Iss. Iss.

Needle's down. Needle is down, okay?

Issa. Look around.

No one's forcing you to do this.

Just don't.

Okay?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Opposite trick?

I learned from the best.

♪♪ Big boy pants
'Cause my pockets is thick ♪♪

♪♪ Hello Kitty key chain
Hang straight from my hip ♪♪

♪♪ Got a big boy bag
Got a big boy drip ♪♪

♪♪ Make a lil girl sad
'Cause a big boy rich ♪♪

♪♪ Big boy pants
'Cause my pockets is thick ♪♪

♪♪ Hello Kitty key chain
Hang straight from my hip ♪♪

♪♪ Got a big boy bag
Got a big boy drip ♪♪

♪♪ Make a lil girl sad
'Cause a big boy rich ♪♪

♪♪ I'm a girl, I'm a girl
I'm a girl, I know ♪♪

♪♪ But I got a big mouth
And a big boy flow ♪♪

♪♪ They only wanna listen
When the b*tches bein' hoes ♪♪

♪♪ But you're an incel
I can tell, I know ♪♪

♪♪ Calling me a loser
Like I never really got far ♪♪

♪♪ Your whole crew got more pigs
Than a cop car ♪♪

♪♪ Kiss my feet 'Cause
you'll never See the top bar ♪♪

♪♪ Wishing you were me
Every time that you pop bars ♪♪

♪♪ Ouch, yeah, that one hurt ♪♪

♪♪ Lemon juice in the wound
That's never gonna work ♪♪

♪♪ Ow, that hurt me so much ♪♪

♪♪ Ow, that was
Really really mean ♪♪

♪♪ Big boy pants
'Cause my pockets is thick ♪♪

♪♪ Hello Kitty key chain
Hang straight from my hip ♪♪

♪♪ Got a big boy bag
Got a big boy drip ♪♪

♪♪ Make a lil girl sad
'Cause a big boy rich ♪♪