03x17 - Terror on the 17th Floor

[bunniefuu]

Everybody relax, relax, I'll handle this.

Oh!

Your help, please!

My mother said someday my
hands might get stuck like this.

She never mentioned
anything about an elevator.

Well, I'm really happy
I got out of bed today.

I told you I didn't want to
go to that press conference.

Miles, I knew nothing
good would come of it.

Look, they were going to
sell the network whether

we were there to hear
the announcement or not.

It's the end of an era.

That's what it is.

For 50 years, Bill Hutchings ran this
network with taste and showmanship.

First color broadcast, first
coverage of a live political convention.

Aside from that unfortunate fistfight with
Kitty Carlisle, his record was impeccable.

Yeah, well, now we're stuck with
American Industrial Corporation.

What does a conglomerate like
that know about news anyway?

They make super
tankers, frozen pizza rolls,

and that stupid line
of talking appliances.

Oh, I got one of those for my wedding.

Mr. Toasty, the talking toaster.

One night it went berserk.

It started yelling, your toast is
done, your toast is done, for hours.

Around 3 o'clock in the
morning, Will took out

a nine-iron, knocked
it into the living room.

Come on now, let's not overreact.

American Industrial is a huge organization.

They've got more to think about than FYI.

We probably won't even know they're around.

Morning, troops.

I might have your attention.

There's someone I'd like you to meet.

This is...

Barbara Boyle, Management
Specialist, American Industrial.

On behalf of A.I., may I be
the first to say, welcome aboard.

Barbara, I'd like you to meet...

Murphy Brown, Corky Sherwood,
Jim Dial, Frank Fontana.

I'm a big fan of the show.

Oh, and this is our executive
producer, Miles Silverberg,

who runs the daily operation
under my very close supervision.

Excuse me a moment.

Bobby, let me have a
look at that, will you?

Uh-huh.

Oh, yes, yes, exactly.

Oh, I think you might want
to put a semicolon here.

Hurry on.

Well, as I was about to say, A.I.

has assigned Barbara
to study the news division

as part of its effort to
streamline the network.

Now, I'm sure I can count on...
Excuse me, Gene.

When you say streamline the
network, what exactly does that mean?

Gene, I'll take this one.

Murphy, it just means
a little budget adjusting.

Trimming the fat.

Trimming the fat.

Another interesting phrase.

Don't you need some sort
of utensil to do that, Barbara?

Let's see, perhaps scissors?

No, no, no, that's not right.

A knife?

Closer.

Oh, I have it.

A hatchet.

Right, a hatchet would be just the right.

Murphy, why don't I
be a little more specific?

On January 3rd, 1990, you
paid a farmer in Riverbend,

Iowa, $800 to rent his
pickup truck for half a day.

To me, that's fact.

Excuse me, Barbara, I approved that charge.

Murphy and her crew had to
get to a malfunctioning m*ssile

silo and that farmer had the
only truck within 200 miles.

Okay, I'll admit he was making up for a
slow corn season, but we were exposing a

major federal blunder and we couldn't
be concerned with cost at a time like that.

At AI, we're always concerned with cost.

Mr. Silverberg, is it?

I assume.

Shoulder pads?

Nope.

Look, why don't I just
lay this out for you?

The news division is
a very costly operation,

and we can't afford
to carry you anymore.

Effective today, I want to see a


But we're going to try, right, troops?

And I'll set an example.

Starting today, I'm giving
up my TV guide subscription.

I'll just look it up in the newspaper.

Listen, everyone, I don't
care how you make the cuts.

I just suggest you do it.

Otherwise, I'll be forced to
move into a second tier of cuts.

And, Murphy, if you're wondering
what I mean by that term, I mean people.

Come, Gene, let's go down
to the commissary, see

if we can knock a few
items off the salad bar.

That does it.

I didn't complain when
they cut my travel expenses.

I didn't complain when they
slashed my research budget.

But when they tell me I
have to conduct my Ivana

Trump interview at a
Taco Bell, I draw the line.

Corky, you didn't happen to make any phone
calls to Milwaukee last month, did you?

Jim, I told you.

I put my initials next to
every one of my personal calls.

I don't care what their policy is.

I'm not gonna pay for a call I didn't make.

Well, somebody made that call on my phone.

Oh, sure, it's only $1.39,
but it's the principle.

Tomorrow it'll be $1.50, then $1.75.

Pretty soon they'll be sticking me with
the bill for the new parking structure.

Let's just hide it on Dial's phone bill.

He never checks.

Well, I do check, unlike Frank.

Frank never checks.

F.

F.

That'll teach him not to check.

Okay, I've been patient,
I've been tolerant.

Qualities I've always hated in
other people, but enough is enough.

I just got this note from Diane Sawyer.

Dear Murphy, sorry about
your budget cutbacks.

Here's five bucks so you can
get your hair done on show night.

I really had it with A.I.

and these stupid changes.

Your coffee is ready.

Oh, shut up, you little drip.

I don't believe these people.

They haven't got the
faintest idea what we do here.

You know that story
I've been working on

about corruption in the
Longshoremen's Union?

I put in a requisition for a
disguise so I could go undercover.

This is what they sent me.

I have had it with American Industrials.

I can't take this.

Our family is crumbling.

I don't want to think about
what could happen next.

Hey, what's going on here?

I thought you were going to fix this thing.

Oh, my God!

Carl!

I really don't like this.

I'm not good in small spaces.

No, just relax, Carl.

It's nothing more than a minor malfunction.

We will get you out.

How?

How will we get him out?

Once when I got a ring stuck
on my finger, I rubbed butter.

No.

Oh, terrific.

Another example of
A.I.'s brilliant management.

Ever since they've been here,
you've got to take 15 forms

in a notary public to get
anything fixed around here.

Please, somebody do something.

I feel like the walls are closing in on me.

I think I'm flashing
back to the birth canal.

No, Carl, that's too dangerous.

Oh, my heart.

Did you hear that?

She cares about me.

She has feelings for me.

What irony.

Poised on the brink of death,
yet so close to ecstasy.

You're much closer to the 16th
floor than either of those places.

I don't care.

I'm so happy.

I feel like dancing.

Noooo!

People, may I have your attention, please?

I have an announcement to make.

Miles, what happened to you?

You look like you've
been in a car accident.

Worse.

I got a memo from Barbara Boyle this
morning saying we haven't met our 25% quota.

You know what that means?

Personnel cutbacks.

I'm afraid so.

She's already laid off half
the maintenance department.

Miles, isn't there something you can do?

Can't you call her?

I tried.

I asked her to lunch,
but she doesn't eat lunch.

She plays squash.

Miles, I hope you let her win.

Oh, yeah, I let her win.

She was mopping up the floor with
me for the seventh straight game.

The woman stepped on my glasses.

They were on my face at the time.

There's got to be a way to stop this woman.

I think it's time for a little
dose of the old Fontana charm.

Oh, great.

Let's just quit now.

No offense, guys, but
this isn't your territory.

It's my turn now.

I think it's time I have
a little talk with Barbara.

Woman to woman.

Good luck.

I think she's a man.

So, Murphy, I assume you
want to talk about the cutbacks.

Uh, look, Barbara, I know
you want to make a round of

layoffs at FYI, but you have
to understand something.

We're a family.

Take Eddie Ross over there.

Eddie runs the videotape library.

He's been with this network 47 years.

You need footage of the Marshall
Planet? On your desk in 10 minutes.

Ross.

Edward Ross.

Oh, great.

He gets his pink slip on Friday.

What?

How can you do that?

You're firing Eddie?

Oh, it's easy.

You take an unpaid intern
and a computer and plug

him into that library,
you've saved a fortune.

Yeah, he's gone.

Hey, Phil!

How about a round of beer for the best
damn unemployed maintenance staff in town?

I'll get that, Phil.

My treat, Eddie.

I've got to go, Murphy.

I'm afraid that's all the time I have.

Wait a minute.

There's still a lot we have to talk about.

No, no, there isn't.

My job is to make this
division profitable, And

I'll do whatever I have
to do to accomplish that.

I am not gonna be one of those
women who spends the rest of

her life hitting her head against
some corporate glass ceiling.

Two years ago, I started out in the
toaster division, inspecting crumb trays.

Now I've got the corner office, the
stock options, and the good parking spot.

I like it, Murphy.

And I'm gonna keep it.

And now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a powerlifting class.

Hello?

Hold on, I'll see if he's available.

Eldin!

Phone!

Who is it?

Your stockbroker.

I'm not talking to him.

I'm not talking to you, you thief.

You lying parasite.

Die, you yuppie scum.

Maybe you better call back later.

Look, Eldin, I don't know what that was
all about, but please leave me out of it.

I'm not having a good day.

Oh, sure.

It's always your problems.

Meanwhile, my whole world's
being turned upside down.

A month ago, I sell a
painting for $1.2 million.

All of a sudden, I got
friends I never knew I had.

Like with Bob

down at Ed's Paints. He always hated me.

Now he wants me to be godfather to his son.

The kid's 27 years old.

I don't know who to trust anymore.

Look, Eldin, I sympathize
with your problems, but all

things considered, I'd
really rather talk about me.

That's a big surprise.

Now what?

If it's that guy trying to sell me that
Jiffy Lube franchise, tell him I'm not here.

Hello, Murphy.

Miles, what are you doing
walking around half-dressed?

It's 35 degrees outside.

It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

Not the cold, not the pain.

Murphy, I just had to
fire DiCarlo and Simpson.

What?

They're the best camera crew we ever had.

I know, but Barbara the
Terminator Boyle said cutting one

camera crew would save us
big in medical and dental benefits.

I met DiCarlo's family
at the Christmas party.

I've never seen four kids
with bigger overbites in my life.

Murphy.

They're gonna grow up looking
like Jerry Lewis impersonators.

Miles, it's not your fault.

You're not the one making these decisions.

It was awful.

After I fired them, I felt so bad I asked
Simpson to hit me, but he wouldn't.

I told him I wanted to do something.

Anything.

DiCarlo said he always admired
my look, so I gave him my blazer.

He told me he wanted
the rest of the outfit.

When I wouldn't give
him my pants, he hit me.

Look, Miles, since you're
feeling lousy, I might as

well tell you, Eddie on
videotape is the next to go.

Not Eddie!

That's it.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm not gonna stand by while
she takes this organization apart.

I'm going over her head.

There's gotta be someone in American
Industrial who's willing to stop her!

You're right.

It's about time we let the
company know how we feel.

I want the chance to open
their eyes in my own way.

Gee, Murphy, somehow I don't
think holding some corporate guy's

head in a toilet and flushing
is a very effective strategy.

Look, Miles, I'm the one they
see on television every week.

You've got to admit, some guy
who spent his life surrounded by

pizza rolls and talking appliances
is going to be impressed by me.

Okay, okay, okay.

We fly to New York
together tomorrow morning.

But I want you to remember one thing.

I'm the boss.

I'm the one who's trained to
handle crises and deal with people. Agreed?

Yes, Miles.

Don't believe it, Miles.

This was a network that
won 45 Peabody Awards.

Now they're owned by a
company that made its first

million off something
called Cheese on a Rope.

Murphy, that is exactly the kind of
sarcastic tone we don't need in there.

Now, look, you have a tendency
to get a little overwrought

sometimes, which is why you're
gonna let me handle this meeting.

This Roger Harris we're
seeing is strict Ivy League.

I know how guys like that think.

I'm just glad Bill Hutchings
isn't still around to see this.

You know, you can take out
the wood and change the chairs,

but you'll never erase his
presence from this network.

Heads up, Charlie.

Miles Silverberg.

Roger Harris, Vice President
of Corporate Resources.

Roger, great to meet you.

This is Murphy Brown.

Hello, Murphy.

Wow, this is truly an honor.

Imagine acquiring cytokine dandruff shampoo
and Murphy Brown in the same quarter.

It's amazing.

I was just wondering, how's the
water pressure in your toilets up here?

Murphy!

So, Rog, I see we're both
wearing the old Harvard tie.

I'm class of 84.
And you?



I should have known.

You can always tell a Harvard man.

But you can't tell him much.

Oh, Roger.

I appreciate the opportunity
to discuss these cutbacks.

Transitions can be a little rough, and I
know we want every ore pulling together.

Absolutely.

It's a brutal market out there.

You gotta hit the ground running.

Fisher-cut bait.

Go the whole nine yards.

Do the hokey-pokey
and turn yourself around.

Our Murphy, what a kidder.

So, Rog, what are we waiting for?

Let's pow-wow.

Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet
Miles Silverberg and Murphy Brown.

Tom Martin, VP, Management Services.

Neil Green, VP, Product Coordination.

Ted Sterling, VP, Internal Relations.

Dave Stevens, VP, Business Services.

Mike Miller, VP, Operations Control.

Okay, Miles.

The guys sent me your cost breakdowns,
your financials, it's your ball.

Run with it.

Thank you, Roger.

Why don't we start with the


As you know...
Miles, question here.

I notice a lot of that travel
is on commercial airline.

Have you tried using a
frequent flyer program?

Excuse me?

You know, free tickets,
upgrades, coupons, earphones.

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

I think what Murphy's
concerned with is that while it's an

interesting idea, Tom, I don't
think it would be too practical.

Super Saver Fares Miles, that's the key.

Just stay over a Saturday night.

Huge cost benefit.

But Dave... Ted.

I'm Dave.

Tom.

Neil.

Ted, you can't...

You can't schedule news events to
occur conveniently over a weekend.

In the news business,
you got to be the first

one in and the first
one out with the tape.

Sometimes that costs...
Excuse me, you mentioned tape.

I thought you were a live show.

We are a live show, but some
of our segments are on tape.

As I was saying...
What about on the West Coast?

You can't be live there, too.

Well, that's right.

Just like Saturday Night Live, they
always start out live from New York.

It's Saturday night.

But on the West Coast, it's not.

That's my point of saying.

Wait a minute.

Did we ever get an answer
on that frequent flyer issue?

We can't use a frequent flyer program.

Last year, we did an award-winning
piece on new cracks in the Alaska pipeline.

We had to fly to Prudhoe Bay
without a moment... Why what?

Why go all the way up there?

Couldn't you just put a reporter in front
of a photo of a pipeline and sh**t that?

Right.

Just put them in a parka,
add a little fake snow.

Fake snow is good.

No, it isn't.

We don't fake snow.

We don't fake anything.

This is the news, not a
Steven Spielberg movie.

But hey, why stop at faking it?

We could use puppets.

A little Murphy puppet.

Interviewing a little George Bush puppet.

Just think how much cheaper
those little clothes would be.

How many times have I told you not to
take that sinus medication before you fly?

He's wowed up like a top.

He really didn't mean any
of those things, did you?

Yes, I did.

They're morons, morons.

Gentlemen, may I make a suggestion?

It's really too difficult to explain
our operation sitting around a table.

How about you come
down to Washington and get

a hands-on feel for
things in the trenches?

Well...

What do you think, Tom?

I don't know.

What do you think, Neil?

Well, I go along with Mike's thinking.

Mike?

Uh, Ted, did you want to say something?

Just make a decision!

Make it, make it, make it!

Lunch, gentlemen.

Lunch!

And that was Master Control,
where space-age technology

allows us to beam in
footage from all over the globe.

How right you are, Murphy.

But, since cutbacks have
limited our satellite time, our ability

to bring you the fast-breaking
stories has been severely damaged.

Corky?

Thank you, Frank.

Yes, gentlemen, we're talking
about stories like... the Berlin Wall...

the election of Lech Walesa, and...
Ling Ling faces her biological clock.

You see, the news never
stops, and FYI needs the freedom

to go after that news wherever
and whenever it happens.

So, what do you say, Rog?

How about we kiss those
cutbacks goodbye, huh?

Murphy, I think I can promise you

we'll put that option on the table.

Run it up the flagpole.

Test the waters.

We'll get back to you on it.

Hold it right there, people!

Before you go off to invent new ways
to reduce painful itching and swelling,

You listen to me.

I've been with this
network for over 25 years.

And in the last two weeks, I've
seen this news division desecrated.

Gentlemen, news is a network's sacred
obligation to serve the common good.

To inform, educate, to
uplift, and in some cases, shame.

And the day that we're
judged solely on profit...

It's the day the death
knell sounds on the free and

open exchange of ideas
that we call a democracy.

And I, for one, cannot stand on
the sidelines and watch that happen.

You know, I never
thought about it that way.

Obviously, we have a lot
to learn about this business.

It's amazing how easy it is to
lose sight of what's really important.

Wouldn't you agree, Barbara?

Because of my budget cuts, we're projecting
a third-quarter profit of $3 million.

I believe you gentlemen have a meeting in
New York with the Popcorn Popper Division.

Ooh!

I can't believe it.

We lost.

How could this happen?

We're the good guys.

I never thought I'd say this, but...
I don't want to work here anymore.

Excuse me.

We're stuck.

Oh, you guys are really quick.

I guess that's why
you're all vice presidents.

Although, it seems to me, in a really
efficient company, you'd only need one VP.

Yeah, maybe Barbara has something
in her little notebook about that.

Something to tell the CEO.

All those huge salaries and bonuses
sounds to me like a good place to get.

Right, Barbara?

Hey.

I'd never go after you, you know that.

We're pals.

Roger, Neil, Ted, Tom, Dave, Mike.

Don't listen to her.

Okay, maybe six VPs
isn't the most efficient

set-up, but that can
be our little secret.

Gentlemen, it may be time for a conference.

Yeah, you take your time.

While you're all waiting in the
unemployment line making up your minds, old

Babs here is going to be moving
her stuff into the vice presidential suite.

But there's no rush.

Run it up the flagpole.

Test the waters.

...finished, gone, history.

Barbara, we've made a decision.

Oh, come on.

I'd do anything for you guys.

Remember the Christmas party?