03x09 - The Bummer of 42

[bunniefuu]

Well, it's Murphy's birthday again.

God, I really hate Murphy's birthday.

I realize that she's 42.

And when she graduated
from high school, I was...

one.

But that's no reason to
make our lives miserable.

Birthdays are peculiar creatures.

The glory of youth fading
into distant memory.

Another wrinkle seen in the
mirror that wasn't there yesterday.

Your wife buying you a
Barcalounger years before your time.

Some people have a hard time dealing with
the fact that they're another year older.

Everybody, it's party time!

And there's Murphy.

Hey, everyone, there'll be cake and
singing in general merriment at 4 P.M.

sharp.

Whoa!

What a haul!

There's more than last year.

I think we're going for a record here.

Hey, guys, I know that you all want
to wish me happy birthday in your

own special ways, but you're just
going to have to hold that thought.

Some of my gifts may be perishable.

But you haven't even unwrapped me yet.

Good things come in big packages.

I really appreciate the
thought, Carl, but something

tells me if I untied that bow,
both of us would regret it.

I wouldn't.

Try me at the end of the year.

My resistance is always down
at the office Christmas party.

Yes!

I knew this French cut jeans
would get to her sooner or later.

This is your last chance, Frank.

If you want to chip in on
the group gift for Murphy,

I'll be happy
to take your money now.

Sorry, Miles, Murphy's my best friend.

I always get her something
only I would think of.

I'm telling you, Frank, you're
gonna regret not going in with us.

I hold in my hands the perfect gift.

That's right, Frank, and it was my idea.

It was an ingenious
choice, especially for

someone like Murphy,
who travels all the time.

We got her a portable pants-presser.

Uh, Jim, Corky, there's
been a little change in plan.

I decided not to go with the pants-presser.

I was in the store, and
I saw something else.

Better than a pants-presser?
That's hard to believe.

We got Murphy a whole
blood pressure check kit.

It's great.

A gift from the heart for the heart.

For the love of Mike! you had no right to
go against the wishes of the group, Miles.

We decided on the Pants Presser.
We wanted the Pants Presser.

Oh, no, we did not, Jim.

You wanted the Pants Presser.

I wanted to give her the Abdominizer.

Hey, guys, look what Pete Rose made for me.

So, Frank, what brilliant
idea did you come up with?

Not that anyone here would appreciate it.

I even amazed myself with this one.

I'd been racking my brain
for months, trying to think,

what do you get someone
who's got everything, right?

Finally, it came to me.

I got Murphy.

Are you ready?

A sister.

A sister?

You mean like a nun?

No, not like a nun, like a sibling.

Murphy's an only child, Right?

She once said to me, she wondered
what it would be like to have a sister.

So I went to New York,
hired an actress to come

here and be Murphy's
sister from noon till midnight.

Oh, this is the stupidest
gift I've ever heard of, Frank.

You don't know how to buy for women.

I was going to say something
when you bought me that waffle

bowl set for my birthday,
but now you've gone too far.

Come on.

Murphy is gonna love it.

This actress has been
researching every detail

of Murphy's childhood,
her family, everything.

The key is getting Murphy
to loosen up and get into it.

Now, if you guys
want this to be the best

birthday Murphy's ever
had, you'll play along.

I can't believe it.

The Bush stiffed me again this year.

Hey, Murph.

Happy 42.

Hey, Frank.

I haven't seen you in days.

Out shopping for my gift, maybe?

Ooh, maybe.

Hey, Murphy.

What have we here?

It looks like some sort of a birthday gift.

No, no, no.

You can't shake it.

Just put it with the others Miles.

So just give me one hint, Frank.

Is it animal, vegetable, or four-wheel
drive with Italian leather interior?

All I'm gonna say is, it's something you've
never had, but have always wondered about.

And you'll find out what it
is at noon sharp at Phil's.

We'll bring this to
Phil's, too, won't we guys?

Feel. Too heavy to be a toaster.

Okay, Frank, it's 12
o'clock we are at Phil's.

Where is it?

Oh, I don't know, Murph.

Maybe this year's surprise is
that there's no surprise at all.

I hate that.

Okay, I think we've kept
her in suspense long enough.

Here it is, Murphy,
from Jim, Corky, and me.

Go ahead. Open it.

Well, I guess I will, since Frank is
keeping me waiting for his mystery gift.

I'll just open this wonderful
present that three people

with very large salaries
have chipped in to buy me.

This is going to be great, I can tell.

Don't forget, Murphy, any gift you
get could probably be exchanged.

In fact, I'd even return it for you,
so you don't have to stand in line.

Hmm.

The Pulse-O-Matic II.

Guys, this is the best.

A fake box.

Extremely clever.

What the hell is this?

It's a blood pressure
unit from people who

love you and wish you
a long and happy life.

Happy birthday, Murphy.

See, she loves it.

I can see what you're thinking.

You can't wait to try it out.

Well, not until I read the instructions.

You don't want anybody to get hurt.

It's not a toy.

Okay, Murph, fasten your seatbelt.

Time for your gift from me.

All right, it's showtime.

That's right.

And what would a birthday be
without family to help you celebrate?

So, all the way from your hometown of
Philadelphia, it's your sister, Maddie Brown!

Stinky!

Oh, boy, someone I
don't know just hugged me.

What's going on Frank?

Wow, you really are surprised, aren't you?

But hey, I wasn't gonna miss this.

It'll be two years at Christmas
since we've seen each other.

That's a crime, you know that,
but it doesn't matter. I'm here now.

God, you look gorgeous.
Give me a hug.

Ah, something I've never had
and have always wondered about.

Hi, I'm Maddie Brown.

Murphy's sister.

Hello, Murphy's sister.

Nice to meet you, Maddie Brown
from Philadelphia, Murphy's sister.

You want to say something to
Murphy's sister, don't you, Jim?

Miles?

Corky?

Uh, yes.

Of course we do.

Hi, Maddie.

I'm Corky.

It was so thoughtful of you
to surprise Murphy like this.

That's all I have to say.

I see the family resemblance.

You have the same eyebrows.

Hey, Stinky, you know
what I was just thinking of?

Your 10th birthday.
Remember?

Dad surprised you with that
treehouse in the backyard?

Very clever, Frank.

Except there was this one kid
you would never let in the treehouse.

Mary Beekman, the little brat.

She hit Murphy in the
face with a 7-Up bottle.



You are really good.

She's really good, Frank.

But I bet you don't know
what happened in the

treehouse on the
afternoon of July 4th, 1959.

That was the day we all came
up with our secret handshake.

Hey!

You forgot.

It's one long, two short, and one long.

I know.

I was trying to trick you.

Wow!

Hey, there.

I know who this must
be, Murphy's sister.

It must be real nice to have your sister
here to share your birthday with you.

Oh, you bet, Phil.

You know how I love family.

Yep.

Murphy's always going on
about how she misses you.

Sometimes, when she
starts talking about the

old days growing up,
the whole bar gets quiet.

We turn off the TV.

Everybody gathers their chairs in a circle.

We can listen for hours as Murphy
touches us all with poignant stories.

Her little sister, Maddie.

How am I doing?

I got goosebumps.

You can go now, Phil.

Good, because I'm running out
of material and I feel like an idiot.

Happy birthday, Murphy.

There's a complimentary
salad with your lunch.

Well, this has been great, but
I guess it's time to get going.

Aw, already?

Well, listen, thanks for everything.

You were really impressive.

And if you're gonna be in any
movies or TV shows, drop me a line.

I'll look for you.

Oh, don't worry, Murph.
Maddie's not going anywhere.

She's here till midnight.

Come on, guys.

I'm sure the two sisters
have a lot of catching up to do.

Wait a minute.

You're here until midnight?

Where are you going, Frank?

Oh, the fun you two
are going to have.

Something tells me boys
are going to be discussed.

But this is a
party for all of us.

There's complimentary salad.

Don't go, guys.



What does that mean?

It means there's justice
in this world after all.

Ha, ha... That Frank.

Is he cute or what?

You know, if I wasn't
married... Speaking of which.

You are not gonna
believe your brother-in-law.

He lost 20 pounds and
got hair plugs in the front.

You know where he's receding?
I'll show you a picture.

Look, I know Frank paid you until
midnight, but you don't have to do this.

You can just go.

We don't have to tell him.

Oh, God.

You're firing me.

It's nothing personal.

It's just that the novelty's worn off
and I have a really short attention span.

Where did I lose you?

It was the hair plugs, right?

I went too far.

I knew it as soon as I'd said it.

Look, I've really got to go.

No, no.

Murphy, please, please,
give me another chance.

I can be whoever you want me to be.

I don't have to be your younger sister.

I can be your illegitimate sister.

Or I can do it with an accent.

Like Mom and Dad sent me
away to boarding school in

England and I have this
really affected speech now.

Oh, Murphy, what do you say? We take
the ponies out and go for a little ride?

As I said, good luck with everything
and thanks again for all the trouble.

Wait!

I know what it is.

You need an older sister.

You need to feel protected and cared for.

There you go again, running out.
Half-dressed when there's a flu going around.

Remember the time you had measles and I
stayed home and took care of you?

God knows where Mother was.

It was always up to me.
I still have a lot of resentment for it...

And I'll never understand why
you were in such a hurry to grow up.

I'll never forget your sweet 16 party
when you waded in Mother's liquor cabinet.

I still think that's when
your problem started.

Frank!

Has anyone here seen Frank?

Oh, so this is where
you work... Hi, everybody.

I'm Murphy's sister.

Hi.

I didn't know Murphy had a sister.

Hi.

I'm Carl Wishnitzki.

Hi, Carl.

I'm Maddie Brown.

So, what is it you do here?

I'm camera 2.

Gee, Murphy, I would have thought
you'd told her all about me by now.

She and I aren't very close, Carl.

Frank, may I see you in
my office, please, alone?

Okay, Frank, that's it.

It was very clever, and we
all had a good laugh, but I

don't want that woman
following me around until midnight.

Tell me she isn't
gonna be doing it, Frank.

Murph, I thought a sister would be
the greatest gift I could ever give you.

You were so passionate
about it that night.

What night?

What are you talking about?

A few years ago at Phil's.

You and I were closing
up the place, then we

started talking about
family and my sisters.

Then you started sobbing uncontrollably
about not having any sisters.

You don't remember?

I was drinking then, Frank.

I said a lot of things I didn't mean.

I probably said I wanted
to sleep with Larry Storch,

too, but you didn't give
me him for my birthday.

Just listen to yourself, Murph.

Can't you just for one day forget you're a
reporter who broke all day long in reality

and just let yourself experience
something you've never known?

Cut yourself loose.

What do you say?

I'm gonna get you for this, Frank.

What a sad, sad statement.

Well, I am not calling her off.

You know the rule.

Fontana gifts are unreturnable.

They're unreturnable
because you can't shop

in a regular store like
a normal human being.

You're a sick person, Frank!

If you're looking for your sister.

She went to the ladies' room.

All right, everybody, listen up!

I'm gonna be in editing
for the rest of the day.

When my sister comes back, don't tell her
where I am and don't let her in my office.

I don't want to see her again
for the rest of my lifetime.

You got that?

Dear God, why won't that
woman let someone love her?

Don't even say it, Eldin.

Don't make me tell you how
many birthday invitations I

turned down because Frank
asked me to keep the day open.

Frank is no longer my friend.

It's his fault I'm
eating fortune cookies

alone. Instead of birthday
cake with Al Pacino.

What ever happened to Honey, I'm home?

Hey, you know, I wish that you
would call when you're gonna be late.

I didn't know what time
to put the cacciatore in.

Chicken cacciatore?

Oh, Eldin, is that what smells so good?

That's so nice of you.

Maybe this day can
be saved after all.

♪ You load 16 tons, what do you get? ♪

♪ Another day older and deeper in debt ♪

♪ St. Peter, don't you
call me 'cause I can't go ♪

♪ I owe my soul to the company store ♪

This is unbelievable.

Yeah, well, isn't she great?

You know, I did not know
how much you hated that

happy birthday to you
song until your sister told me.

Eldin, this woman is not my sister.

You said she'd say that.

Well, you Brown girls
play some weird games.

Murphy, I have been cooking
up a storm all afternoon.

I cannot believe you had
nothing, nothing in the house to eat.

I had to shop for
everything, but that's okay.

That's what sisters are for.

What do you mean
she's not your sister?

I mean, she's obviously
got your mother's arms.

They're so delicate, not
nearly as furry as yours.

I may love her.

Oh, God, I'm in a
Stephen King movie.

Who is it?

Oh, hi, Mother.

Yeah, I got the
birthday card you sent.

Thanks a lot.

You want to speak to who?

Mother, you don't have another daughter,
and I'm really getting sick of this.

No, I will not put her on the phone.

She wants to talk to you.

Hello, Mother.

Yes, Murphy was very surprised to see me.

No, I don't think she's gained any weight.

Why? Did she look heavy
to you when you were here?

This isn't funny, Mother!

You have way too much time on your hands!

I better go now, Mother.

All right, I'll tell her.

Good bye.

Oh, God.

She wants us to come home for Christmas.

Believe me, I hate the
idea as much as you do.

She insists on making that
disgusting cranberry mold,

and then we sit around the
table while she trashes Daddy.

Maybe we should just take a stand and
not do Christmas at her house this year.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I don't have the guts.

Will you get a look at this?

You know, it is so nice to know
someone in your family can cook.

Unlike you, she walked right into the
kitchen and recognized it immediately.

Is that fresh Rosemary
on the chicken?

Uh-huh.

I made the sauce from scratch.

Okay.

Okay, we'll just eat and that's all.

And then after we eat, that's the end.

It's finished.

You're leaving.

Boy, you really must
have cried the day Mom

and Dad brought home
"that" from the hospital.

Come on, speed it up.

Gandhi didn't eat as slow as you two.

Murphy was always a very fast eater.

Daddy used to say, you should
never touch Murphy while she's eating.

My father never said that.

You know, this dinner was excellent.

And you are very charming.

You know, I was recently hurt by a woman.

Okay.

I'm done.

Dinner's over.

That's it.

You know what that means.

Right.

I'll go get dessert.

Dessert?

No dessert.

There was no dessert in this deal.

Look, I can't tell
how I'm doing here.

Do you think I was being
too obvious when I said I

could furnish her with a
complete medical history?

Would you go find out?

I'll wait right here.

It's ten o'clock.

Do you know where your airplane is?

Dessert is part of dinner, Murphy,
and I won't hear any arguments about it.

We're going to make brownies just
like we did the day Paul quit the Beatles.

Look, I've tried to be nice.

Now I'm gonna bring out the a*tillery.

If you aren't out of
here in three minutes,

I will personally,
physically throw you out.

Okay.

You win.

I'll go.

It's obvious...
I can't make this work for you.

Thank you.

Look, all of this food is yours.

Why don't you take it with you?

Boy...

It's just staring me
in the face, isn't it?

Actress.

Who am I kidding?

Oh, no, don't start that on me.

Just wrap.

Deep down inside, I guess
I've always known my limitations.

I haven't had a lot of
success as an actress.

You know that TV commercial where the

singing peanuts go marching into that peanut
butter jar, and there's that one peanut

who refuses to jump in because she doesn't
think she's up to their high standards?

That peanut was you?

No, that's how I
feel about my career.

I guess what makes it all sink
in is seeing where you are in life.

Famous, successful, respected...

Yeah, well, it's not all
it's cracked up to be.

Ever since I was a little kid, I
dreamed of being a great actress.

I used to dress up like Katharine
Hepburn, and I used to dress

my dog up like Spencer Tracy,
and we'd act out Adam's rib.

What?

I used to pretend the kitchen strainer
was a microphone, and I'd get the kid

next door to be Richard
Nixon, and I'd nail him after the

Checkers Speech. [Nixon Speech


I know.

All right.

The difference is, you made it.

I didn't.

Yeah, but it didn't come easy.

After I got out of college, I thought
I was going to be the greatest

broadcast journalist of my generation.

I had this audition tape, and I begged
a friend

to get it to Howard K. Smith.

To me, he was the best.

What broadcast journalism was all about.

I wanted to be Howard K. Smith in a dress.

So, I waited and waited for a response.

A month, six weeks, nothing.

Finally, I called my friend.

And he told me that Howard K.
had, in fact, seen my tape.

His only comment was...

her work stinks, but
she's got a nice tush.

I felt like someone had hit
me in the face with a brick.

My idol was telling me I
couldn't cut it as a journalist.

The only other thing I knew
how to do was lip-sync to records,

and back then it wasn't a
real profession like it is now.

I guess what I'm
trying to say is...

no matter what it is you want
to do, you've got to go after it.

No matter what other people say about you.

It's always going to be hard,
no matter if you're 21 or 42.

Oh, God, I'm 42.

Oh, that's okay.

You look really good.

You know, I never
told anybody that story.

Really?

Yeah.

I guess it's really the kind of
thing you only tell...

A sister?

Yeah.

A sister.

You know, I had this other experience
when I was a correspondent in London.

Oh, I've never been to London.

I always said I'd get there.

What happened?

Well, I'd rented this little flat a
couple of blocks from Oxford Street.

One day I was coming out...