03x01 - The 390th Broadcast

[bunniefuu]

Night and day, you'll hear me say,
I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you.

Watch out, boy, cause I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna make you love me.

Woo!

Yes, I will!

Yes, I will!

Thank you.

Really, you're too kind.

Thank you.

Did everybody miss me?

Yes, we did.

I don't know, Bob.

That didn't sound sincere.

See me after work.

Frank

Hey, Murph.

Hey, you look fantastic.

You're ready to start the new season?

You bet.

Nothing like a little R&R.

How was your vacation?

It was great.

I went on an archaeological dig.

Look what I found.

A Pez dispenser.

Huh,

If this baby could talk.

So what about you?

Where'd you finally decide to go?

To heaven on earth, Frank.

To baseball camp.

Get out of here.

A week in Florida training
with Dodger legend.

You remember that trouble I used
to have pitching low and inside?

Not anymore.

I guess Steve Garvey won't
be needing that vasectomy.

Frank, you left a cherry yogurt
on your desk for four weeks.

Jimbo, my man.

Hey, Jim, how's it going?

Murphy.

So, uh, why didn't I get a
postcard from you in Nantucket?

Why?

Because Nantucket was a living hell.

Doris and I will never, ever share
a house with the Rooney's again.

Andy drove us out of our minds.

Did you ever wonder
why crabs walk sideways?

Have you ever noticed you can never
get the sand out of your bathing suit?

Why is it when you cut a nose
hair that it grows in even thicker?

Doris got so upset she tried to
run him down with a dune buggy.

I can't tell you how glad I
am to be back here.

It's really something, isn't it?

The beginning of our 13th season together.

FYI's 390th broadcast.

And I'm ready for it.

I think I can even face a new secretary.

Hello.

You must be my new secretary.

I'm Murphy Brown.

Ms. Brown, I'm Kevin Mallory.

Thank you so much for this opportunity.

Having a good job during the day
helps pay for my studies at night.

Wow, good for you, Kevin.

Well, why don't you start
by going to the supply

room and getting me some
fresh number two pencils?

You'll find I go through
them pretty quickly.

You got it.

Oh, by the way, what are you studying?

People, season number 13.

Who said that was an unlucky number?

Come my little anchors and anchorettes,
we have important things to discuss.

You know, I was talking
to my girlfriend the other day,

my girlfriend, Audrey, and she said...

My girlfriend said something
very insightful to me.

My girlfriend said,
Miles, do you realize how

fortunate you are to
have the job you have?

My girlfriend made me see that
this is... We get it, Miles, we get it.

Does everybody get it?

Miles has a girlfriend,
and his name is Audrey.

Everybody finish!

Where's Corky?

Nobody's heard from her since the wedding.

It must have been some
honeymoon, if you know what I mean.

Yes, Frank, we all know what you mean.

May I suggest we practice a
little restraint when she arrives?

After all, Corky was, well,
innocent, and sometimes, well,

deflowering can be a traumatic
experience for a young woman.

Hi, everybody!

I'm back.

I really have to apologize for not
writing thank-you cards to

all of you for my
wonderful wedding gifts.

But Will and I have been busy.

In fact, we were so busy on our honeymoon,
we hardly ever left the hotel room.

Busy, busy, busy.

Morning, noon, and night.

Sometimes we're busy
three times in one morning.

Oh, Murphy, I hope you get busy soon.

Could you sit down, please, Corky?

Now that we're all here, I
just want to open by saying...

As I was saying, I have
something important to discuss.

Being that this is our


that maybe it's time to
breathe some new life into FYI.

Maybe make some changes.

Now, wait a minute, Miles.

FYI has been very successful.

True, but research says
we're not adding new viewers.

According to my calculations,
if this trend continues,

By the year 2000, our audience
will be a guy named Mort.

Believe me, I am not
suggesting wholesale changes.

We are going to carefully
select a dozen impartial viewers,

screen a show for them,
and hear their suggestions.

Why don't you just
call it what it is, Miles?

It's a focus group, isn't it?

Yeah, last time we used a focus
group, I ended up wearing a toupee.

I hate that stupid thing.

I feel like I'm telling America the
news with a dead beaver on my head.

Oh, listen to you people.

You're too afraid to get some honest
feedback from the American public.

Well, fine.

I guess I'll be attending
the focus session myself.

It's this afternoon at 3 in the 10th floor
testing facility, if you're interested.

As if any of us could
have the slightest interest

in what a focus group
has to say about us.

The screening is almost
over, Mr. Silverberg.

As you know, you and the focus participants
are separated by one-way glass.

You will be able to see
and hear everything.

They will have no idea
you're watching them.

Anything I can get you?

No, thank you, Greta.

I'll be fine.

Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

Gladys Knight and her Pips.

I'm not here for the focus
group, if that's what you think.

We're here to... see the chairs.

Guys, these are the chairs
I was telling you about.

Great leather.

Let's begin our discussion.

Since this is the first time any of
you have seen FYI, we would be

very interested to hear your
reaction to each of the anchor people.

Jim Dial, for instance.

Now, is this a man
that you would invite

into your living rooms
every Wednesday night?

You know, I don't really relate to him.

He doesn't seem like the kind
of guy you could call up on the

spur of the moment and
invite to..., say, a tractor pull.

I mean, he looks like he forgot to
take the hanger out of his jacket.

Jim man, I want you to remember,
this is meant as constructive criticism.

Of course, Miles.

The man is entitled to his opinion.

And if we keep an open mind, there might be
something valuable to be gained from this.

Very professional, Jim.

You can't see me, tubby.

Why don't we move on to the
other male anchor, Frank Fontana?

How would you rate him?

Was there another guy?

I just thought there was one man.

Two blonde women and one man, right?

This is a nightmare.

Nobody remembers Frank Fontana?

He's the one who did the
report on the crack house.

Oh, that guy!

I thought that was a
commercial for the hair club.

I'm sorry.

It's not funny, Murphy.

I'm in a tremendous
amount of pain right now.

You want to say I'm thin-skinned?

Say anything you want.

It doesn't matter.

I don't exist.

I'm like some high-pitched
whistle that only dogs can hear.

Why don't we move on to Corky Sherwood?

Oh, no, I can't listen.

I can't listen.

Well, I loved her.

Yeah, me too.

She has a certain "joie de vivre".

Yeah, she seems like such a happy person.

And caring.

What did they say?

They hated you.

This is ridiculous.

I can't believe we're
listening to this crap.

Why we care what
these people have to say?

Let's go.

Now, what about everyone's
reaction to Murphy Brown?

Wait, they're talking about me.

Well, I, for one, did not
think that Murphy Brown was very polite

to that
man she was interviewing.

Now, Mr. Noriega may
have done some bad things,

but the way she was
yelling at him...

Give me a break.

And I didn't care for the way she dressed.

Who ever heard of wearing a pink jacket?

Ooh, it was so ugly.

Yeah, I'm really gonna take
fashion criticism from you.

Are those your regular clothes, or did
you come here straight from clown college?

That was totally uncalled for.

Okay, some of this criticism may
have been over the top, but we

can't ignore the fact that very
few positive comments were made.

So I have decided to hire
an image consultant who will

help broaden our audience
and take FYI into the 90s.

Oh, no, I hate those image consultants.

They all come from L.A.

Nothing good ever came from L.A.

Except a pool boy named
Derek at the Bel Air Hotel.

My mind is made up.

On the first broadcast of the new
season, there will be some changes.

Now, here's the plan.

When that image consultant
guy gets here, I think

we gotta let him know
where we stand right away.

I've been looking through my list
of revenge techniques,

Volume 2 Best of the 80s, and I think
maybe the glue and the comb thing

would be good, although
I'm open to suggestions.

I've always liked glue and the comb.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

You gotta have your own personal style.

This blue blazer gray
pants bit is out of here.

Unless you don't mind
people coming up and asking

you for an extra pillow
and help with a tray table.

Hi there.

Everyone, this is Chris
Bishop, our image consultant.

Chris, this is Murphy Brown, Jim Dial,
Corky Sherwood, and Frank Fontana.

Maybe you've heard of me?

Let me just say...

Right off the blocks, out of the
chute, from Jump Street, the get-go.

I know how you're feeling.

Change is scary, and I'm the change guy.

I don't want you to
think of me as the enemy.

I want you to think of me as the
guy who's come to save your show.

Can I borrow your comb?

Murphy, do not ...

Let's, uh, let's cut to the chase here.

I've viewed hundreds of hours of FYI, and
I've noticed a few things. For instance, Jim.

Yes, what?

You don't blink, Jim.

Do you know that about yourself?

We gotta loosen you
up, get some eyelid action

going, get you out of
that suit-and-tie thing.

Now, Hank... Frank...
Frank.

We can solve that visibility problem
if we just turn up your volume.

You're an investigative reporter.

You do dangerous things.

We need to exploit that.

So I've come up with a
new segment for the show.

It's called...

Let Frank do it.

Viewers write in, and
they ask Frank what's it

like to, say, jump off a
bridge with a bungee cord.

And then Frank does it.

In fact, let's lead off with that one.

We'll sh**t it on Tuesday.

Wear tight shoes, don't
eat anything for breakfast.

Corky.

I know I'm not perfect.

I don't have a journalism background, but
I am learning, and I know I can do better.

What are you talking about?

We're not going to change
a single thing about you.

Except maybe hike
that skirt up a little bit.

Oh, what the hell, just
lift it over your head.

No, that's too far.

I'm just kidding you.

So, that leaves us with you, Murphy.

No, it doesn't.

Let me start out by saying that
you definitely have your own style.

But you've got a serious warmth problem.

Maybe it's because of those
hard-hitting interviews you do.

I'd like to see you personally go one-on-one
with the average American citizen.

Just take the pulse of the heartland.

What do you think?

I love it, Chris.

I really do.

And I'd like to meet
with you about it tonight.

At the docks.

Look, people, I can't force
you into anything here.

But take a look around you.

All the networks are
developing itchy trigger fingers.

The second the ratings
waver, the axe falls.

Maybe we should give them
some time to absorb this.

Okay, but don't take too much time.

I want to get started on the new set.

I want to sh**t the new opening.

Meantime, let's you and me go shopping.

I got a couple of great ideas for you.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Maybe go with a double
vent in the jacket, right?

I don't know if I'm ready for that.

Okay, people, let's
pick up the pace a little.

Live television is about to happen.

Hello, Murphy.

Ha ha ha ha!

You know, this is not a
nurturing environment.

Some of us are trying to change and grow.

And some of us are trying to
hold on to one last shred of dignity.

What is this set, Miles?

It looks like Robert Redford's living room.

Where's the bean dip?

It's the Santa Fe look.

Hey, I'm sick of it too, but research tells
us that women 18 to 34 still buy this crap.

Look, Murphy, I want
you to get the program.

I need you to radiate
friendliness and caring.

Let me tell you something.

When I interviewed
Ollie North, he said the

experience was like sticking
his face in a buzz saw.

Oh, I Cherish those words, Chris.

I even had them embroidered on a pillow...

because that's just the kind of gal I am.

But she's gonna try really hard to
be less like a power tool, isn't she?

Isn't she?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chris, can I ask you something?

Are you sure about the set?

I mean, it's a bigger
change than I expect.

Miles, are you questioning me?

Well, yes.

Ah, let me ask you something, Miles.

When women see you now, what do
you think they're saying to themselves?

Who is this small god?

So?

You're right, you're right.

I'm just a little uncomfortable with this.

It's not a problem.

I'm sure we made all the right choices.

Oh, good Lord.

There's no desk.

How can we anchor a
broadcast without a desk?

People will see our legs.

I hate that.

Take it easy, Jimbo.

It's just gonna take
a little getting used to.

Who are you?

Oh, my God.

Chris, do you think my skirt's too short?

I don't know.

Fellas, is her skirt too short?

America has voted.

Thank you.

What about the piece?

Are you sure I should be wearing it?

I think the hair works.

If you want to take the
risk, that's up to you.

I'm not sure.

Jim, what do you think?

I don't know, Frank.

I have my own problems.

All right, 15 seconds to air, people.

Get them up, move them out.

Yeehaw!

Okay, everybody remembers
how we're gonna do this, right?

We cue the new opening, then go to Jim.

Of course, Frank, we want
some friendly cross-chatter.

Take a sip of coffee from
the mugs in front of you.

Jim, don't forget to blink.

Let's all help Frank.

Let's say his name as
frequently as possible.

All right, let's clear the set, people.

Come on, let's settle.

Here we go.

In five, four, three, two...

Good evening, and welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight, we introduced
a new segment called Let Frank Do It.

Frank, why don't you tell us
a little bit about that, Frank?

Thanks, Jim.

It seems as though many of you out there
have been wondering What it might be like

to sh**t the rapids of the
Colorado in a flimsy little raft?

Wrestle an alligator in the Everglades?

...and even ride as a passenger
in a Domino's pizza truck.

It's dangerous.

It's crazy.

And I, Frank Fontana, am
here to do all that for you.

Frank, that sounds fascinating.

And speaking of fascinating,
Corky Sherwood Forrest...

...spent a week as
an air traffic controller.

But first, Murphy Brown
in a very special piece.

As you know, Murphy has interviewed some
of the most powerful people in the world.

Oh, that's true.

Very, very true.

But tonight, tonight we thought, let's see
what's on the mind of an average American.

And so we picked one.

Just picked one at
random, right out of the

phone book, because
that's how we do things now.

And she's here tonight.

So watch and listen as
Murphy Brown talks with Mrs.

Betty Hooley from
Greenfield, Idaho.

Murphy?

Thank you, Jim.

And welcome to FYI, Mrs. Hooley.

The challenges facing an American
family in the 1990s must be enormous.

Tell me, for instance, how
do you make ends meet?

Oh, well, it isn't easy.

My husband and I both
work so we can pay our

bills and send our
children to good schools.

So you've sacrificed because
you put a high priority on education.

Oh, we didn't plan on
sending our children to an

expensive private school,
but we really had no choice.

Not after the Italians took over.

Excuse me?

The Italians.

There are a lot of them
in the neighborhood.

They look like regular families, but
you just know they're up to no good.

I don't want my children around
them, so we really had no choice.

Let's talk about the American dream, Mrs.
Hooley.

Do you own your own home?

Yes.

When my husband and
I got married, that was

one of our goals, and
we finally achieved it.

Last year, we bought our dream house.

So, the good old American
work ethic paid off?

It did, until the black
people moved in next door.

It's all over now.

You know, it's like what
happened when the Chinese

man bought the dry cleaners
from the Jewish people.

All of a sudden, there's
no free delivery anymore.

They're cheaper than the Jewish people.

And they don't even stuff
the sleeves with paper.

At least the Jews stuff paper.

Although, they often
overcharged me for a silk blouse.

It's "their" way.

Mrs. Hooley, has anyone ever
accused you of being a bigot?

Who, me?

No, the other Mrs. Hooley.

Yes, you.

In case you haven't heard, there are entire
black families in this country who go

through life as fine, upstanding citizens,
and some of them aren't even good dancers.

And I'll bet there are
at least one or two

Italians who've never put
a horse's head in a bed.

Where is your mind, Mrs. Hooley?

Have you ever read a newspaper?

Would you even recognize
one if you saw one?

I'm sure you're dying to answer these
questions and maybe even tell us why Hitler

was misunderstood, but I don't want to
keep you from your Ku Klux Klan meeting.

Back to you, Jim.

I don't know Chris.

It just doesn't feel comfortable.

I think it's the pants.

Well, look who's here,
our image consultant.

And Otto, the g*y woodsman.

You know, everything
was going great last night.

Until your segment, Murphy,
you were the only problem.

I was the problem?

You know, guys like you come
in for a week, put your greasy

little fingerprints all over
everything, and then split.

Meanwhile, we have
to live with what you do.

Well, not me.

I'll run you out of here
on a rail if I have to.

No.

Let Frank do it.

Yeah.

All right.

Fine.

But don't come crying to me a
year from now when America's

Funniest Home Accidents
has beaten your pants off.

Because a show like this is a dying breed.

News, information, challenging material.

It just doesn't fly anymore.

And that's a cold, hard fact.

See you around.

Do you think he's right?

The answer is in this envelope.

It's a rundown of viewer
responses that came in last night.

We logged nearly 600 phone calls.

Have you, uh, looked at it, Miles?

No, not yet.



That's a lot.

Can't remember ever
getting 600 calls before.

I wonder what they thought.

Well, aren't we going to open it?

Why?

We know everyone must
have hated the new FYI.

Or... or loved it.

No.

We have to trust our own instincts.

I know now that I made a mistake.

It would be hard not to be standing
here wearing trigger's blanket.

We cannot talk down to people.

If we do, we train them
to accept very little.

So I cast my vote for real news...
all the time.

Here, here, here.

So, why are we standing around for?

We have a 391st show to produce.

Alright, here we go!

Alright.

Aw, Frank, you burned your hair again!

How many times do I have to
tell you these things cost money?