13x02 - Lean, Mean, Time Machine

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?!

Who's a good cat?

And if you refuse anything,
you lose.

That's right, sal.

And while working
in the office,

We're going to have to do
and say

Whatever the other guys
tell us to.

Today we're at the office
playing receptionists.

-You did it backwards.
-We did it ba--

We did the whole thing
backwards.
Aw.

Wait,
what do you mean?
We did the whole thing
backwards.

Let's do it the right way.

I got a little surprise
for sal.

You do?
Yeah, I put a hot plate
in his seat.

what do you mean?

It gets hotter and hotter
and hotter

Underneath his --
his butt cheeks.

This chair is disgusting.

what do you mean,
disgusting?

It's warm.

-Ew.
-I know. It feels gross.

Who was sitting in it
before?

I don't know, but I don't want
to insult anybody,

But somebody's got a hot a*s.

Oh, my god,
this chair is disgusting.

It gets up to 106 degrees.

-Hey, how you doing?
-Doing great. Doing good.

-"fyi..."
-fyi...

"...Our shitter is only good
for pee-pee today."

If you did have to use
the bathroom,

Fyi, our shitter is
only for pee-pees today.

But if you have to do...

"no solids today."

If you have to do solids,
there's another...

But it has the --
the symbol on it.
Oh, okay, yeah.

Just, uh --
this chair is disg...

What are you
talking about?

Hold on. One second, sir.

Hey, guys, can you hear me?

-Yep.
-Yeah.

I think this seat
is malfunctioning

Or something like that.

My seat is burning hot
right now.

The seat that I'm in.
I don't care. I'm just --

I'm afraid of a fire
or some--

Something's wrong
with this seat.

what are you talking about?

Oh, you -- oh, you did this.
You did this.

Sal, if you stand
from that chair, you lose.

There's the new criteria
for the challenge.

This seat is un...

It's only getting hotter,
man.

It's almost to the point
where a human can't sit.

♪ sal's nuts roasting
on an office chair ♪♪

Yeah,
the god's honest truth,

I-I'm -- I'm in --
I am in pain.

Is it hot out?
Is it hot out?

Oh, my gosh, sal.

Remembered you have a court
appearance right now on zoom.

We got judge johnna ready
for you to go, buddy.
Uh-huh.

Is it 12:09 yet? Okay.

Johnna:
Alright, so let's go ahead
and get started.

My name is
judge johnna scrabis.

Edward imburgio,
are you here?
Here.

Um, mr. Imburgio,

You're here because the court
is charging you

With the summary offense
of dangerous burning,

Setting fire
to a kindergarten classroom.

This was an accident.

Well, you burned down
a classroom, sir.

And did you
or did you not scream,

"sorry, nerds"?

I was saying it more
to get a laugh, not, like --

Not calling the kids
who were screaming nerds.

I'm going to sentence you

To the
percy correction facility --

10 days.
-Oh.

I have to go to --
to jail for 10 days?

Yes.

this is so uncomfortable.

The guy's just sitting
there listening to this.

If there was reform
to happen here,

It wouldn't happen
in 10 days.

Uh, it doesn't make
any sense to me.

Okay, sir we're going
to go ahead and do 14 days.

That's two full weeks.

A fortnight, sir,
a fortnight.

Johnna:Sir, it's going to be
a fortnight.

"a fortnight."

Two weeks.

Say the word "fortnight"
three times.

So a fortnight is
what you're saying?

"I'm being
penalized for a fortnight?"

So I'm being penalized
for a fortnight?

"how am I..."

Okay,
can I just overrule this?

Look at brian
shaking his head.

I can't really be taken away
from my job

Or my kids for a fortnight.

Johnna:The court will take
into consideration employment.

What is your job?
-I'm a rece-- uh, reception

At a focus group
on a really hot chair.

If you're so hot,
why don't you just stand up?

Well, it's been made clear
that if I...

...If I stand up, I, uh...

"court is adjourned.
All rise."

Johnna:Court is adjourned.
All rise.

I got it.

That's it, buddy.
You lose.

-Hi. What's your name, sir?
-Zeke.

-Zeke, pleasure.
-Pleasure to meet you.

Sal: There's a tape measure
behind the desk.

Walk up to him, measure
the circumference of his head

And walk back to the desk.

You've done these before?

Uh, have I done this?

Okay,
just give me one second.

Yeah.

Okay. It's 35 inches.

We didn't get into
the prelude

As to
what this would entail.

"oh,
we don't do preludes."

We don't do preludes.

"we do quaaludes
occasionally."

We do quaaludes
occasionally.

Yeah, I'll do them afterwards.
I'm -- I'm game.

Yeah. Okay.

"listen, uh, zeke."

Listen, zeke.

"don't let my present
circumstances fool you."

Don't let my present
circumstances fool you.

"I'm a georgetown man."

I'm a georgetown man.

Okay.

So don't be fooled.

Sal: You got to tune into
something on your laptop.

We need you to join something
that's already in progress.

Keep it one second, buddy.
I got to join a zoom real quick.

My brothers and sisters
in christ...
Oh.

...We are gathered here today
to celebrate the life

Of our beloved arthur,
"artie" delicata.

And now it is my honor
to introduce artie's nephew,

James, to say a few words
about artie's wonderful life.

Uh, thank you, uh, everyone.

Uh, friends, family, uh,
it's a sad day for all of us.

Murr, excuse yourself
from the eulogy

To answer a phone call.

Uh...

Sorry, I was thinking of one,
uh, of my favorite memories

Of uncle art was --
excuse me one second, everybody.

Hello -- hello, manduke group.

Broad street, two blocks down
from the old moe ginsburg.

Uncle art had the best sense
of humor.

He -- his smile, his laughter
could light up the room.

Get -- get choked up.
"it's hard to believe..."

It's just hard to believe...

"...I'll never do quaaludes
with him again."

...That I'll never do quaaludes
with him again.

"sorry
I'm being emotional.

Today's my birthday."

I'm sorry
I'm being emotional.

Today's my birthday.

Don't be afraid to cry.

Murr, just start singing
in a homily.

One second.

♪ hallelujah ♪

♪ ha-alleluja-ah ♪♪

♪ hallelu-ujah ♪♪

You were saying, zeke?
I'm sorry.

I was saying
your emotions --

And also with you.

Muted. I'm muted again.

I'm muted again.

Yeah, and on my birthday,
I got to deal with this?

Right?

Sal: Your co-workers are
about to enter.

When they do,
I want you to just look at them

And scream,
"get the out."

See those glasses on the table
next to the water cooler?

Those are breakaway,
so...

♪ happy birthday to you ♪♪

Get the out!

get the out!

No, no, no, no, no.

Murr,
grab those glasses.

No, no, no. No, no.

My uncle died.

Get out!

Your group's called.
You're in.

I'm in?

But watch the shards of glass,
zeke.

Alright, let me sign you in
over here.

Thank you.
Pleasure to meet you.

Murr: "wait, wait, wait.
I-I know you."

Wait a second.

I know you.

"what the fart, dude?"

What the fart, dude?
Where you been?

"it's been a minute,
b*tch."

It's been a minute,
bi-I-I-I-tch.

What? You got married?
You change your last name?

-No, no, no.
-Oh. Bennett?

"we robbed a grave,
didn't we?"

Didn't we rob a g-grave
together?

-yeah.

We got a surprise for q.

Johnna,
head on in.

It's kind of crazy.

I'm, um --
I'm done with my focus group.

-Oh.
-You guys are sick.

Please, I just want to --
I want to get paid.

Hon, I just sign you in.
Uh, that's all I do.

No, you -- they...

You know
what's going on here.

Are you okay? I think
you want to talk to sarah.

- oh.
- oh.

Is that the end
of your turn?

Ooh, she left her phone here,
so she'll be back.

If she doesn't come back,
you lose, buddy.

Sal: Oh, she's, uh --
she's coming back.

She's coming back.
She's coming back.

Just have security
on the lookout for her.

She's -- she's running around
saying like, wild stuff.

Thank you.
Make sure she gets paid, though.

Thank you. Okay.

Send through szeluga.
Send through szeluga.

Szeluga, you're in.
Go.

-Hey.
-Hey.

We should be paid
triple for this.

This is insane.

You didn't tell me anything
like this was going to happen.

No, I just
sign you in, man.

You're sick.
You're all sick.

It's disgusting what you have
us doing back there.

-She's walking out again.
-You're all sick.

-she's walking out.

John: It's disgusting what
you have is doing back there.

-What are you talk--
-you're all sick.

-She's walking out again.
-What -- what's he talking --

What are you talking --

-She's left twice...

...But see if we get her in
for a third.

If she leaves again,
buddy, you lose.

Did you find out
what's happening?

We're fine, we're fine.
This --

I've actually never seen
that happen before.

"I think you're going to
taste cookies, to be honest."

I think you're going to
taste cookies today

Is what I was under
the impression of.

I had the cookies.

You're sick.

-She ran out.

Narrator:
Q and sal are clocking out,

Making them first up
on the loser board.

Today we're here at
lume studios, and right outside,

Our crew is forming a line
for a fake pop-up event.

Now, when a passerby
gets curious and asks,

"hey,
what's going on in here?"

We'll have to tell them
why we're waiting in line,

Which will be given to us
by the other guys.

And if you can't entice
these people

To wait on line with you,
you lose.

Sal:

Looks like
hard jimmy's back, everyone.

I'm trying to blend in
with the people, man.

You can see
that the line of people

Are teeming with anticipation
of getting in there.
Yeah, yeah.

If you want to make a hip,
cool, young line,

You drop john szeluga
in the middle of it?

The description was, like,
"an impossibly hip line

Of, like --"
- I know.

Szeluga looks like he's
on a line for a town hall

Where he's about
to rebuke a homeless shelter.

There's an hoa meeting
in there.

Oh, my god.
Did you hear about this?

I'm so excited.
-No.

-You didn't hear about it?
-"oh, my god.

The president of
papua new guinea is in there."

The president
of papua new guinea is in there.

"he's letting you sit
on his lap..."

He's letting you --

He's letting people sit
on his lap...

"...And he's granting
everyone one wish."

- why?
-And he's --

And he's granting everyone
one wish.

-Wow.
-You -- quick, stand behind me.

You have to wait.
The line's moving so --

You've got to wait.
You get one wish.
I have a meeting.
I know.

But you can't --
"you see
all the media outlets."

You see all
the media outlets covering it.

You've got to stand on line
with me.

Come here.
It's moving super quick.

-But I only have two minutes.
-Two minutes?

Is this line going in
two minutes?

come on, come on, come on.

Oh, my god.

Mike cast,
cut them off.

I'm going to get --

-Nah, no.
-Just wait here.

No.

Come on.
Well, you got to wait.

You got two more minutes.

Mike, say, "alright, guys,
good news and bad news.

You can sit on his lap,

But he's not creating
any more wishes."

-Okay.
-Yeah.

-Okay, good news, bad news.
-Here we go.

You can sit on his lap,

But he's not granting
any more wishes.

- aw.
-Aw.

Full disclosure --
I was here more for the lap.

-He got it.
-Got it, man. Nice work.

What's, uh --
what's the line for?

That's not what I heard.

I'm on line
because I heard it was, uh...

The government's releasing
a new color.

The government is releasing
a new color.

Oh.

So they're releasing
a new color today.

So I was, like,
let me come down

Because I'm tired of,
frankly, the colors.

Yeah.

So you're getting off
the line then?

Yes.
Oh, 'cause you thought
it was --

I thought
it's a dress collection.

Oh, no, no.

But -- but -- but you
don't want to see the --

What the new color's
going to be?

-Yeah.
-Wow.

I know the name of the color,
if you want to know it.

I know it already.

Drimple.

The new color's
called dripple.

-Dripple?
-Yeah.

Is it, uh, like a blue, or
is it, like, some light blue?

It's a totally new color
that's been unearthed.
Ahhh.

They don't even know if our eyes
will register it, exactly.

Murr: Yeah,
"you know how, like,

Native americans
couldn't understand ships

When they saw them?
Same thing."

Do you remember when, like,
native americans

Couldn't understand
what a ship was...
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

...When they first saw it?
Yeah.
Yeah.

I think you're going to know
dripple when you see it,

Because you're going to see it

And then
not have seen it before.

-Aw.
-And then you throw it

On a dress or skirt,
something nice for the summer.

Something like that.

Mike: Everyone here
is waiting for drimple, right?

Yeah, we are here
to see the color.
Everybody's waiting
for drimple?

-Yeah.
-Okay, great.

Mike, say, "your eyes
may not be able to see it."

Your eyes may
not be able to see it.

"just like
the native americans."

Just like
the native americans,

Your eyes may not be able
to see it.

Oh, with the ships.
That's what I had said.

I just want to make
it clear to everybody

Who's waiting in the line.

The u.S. Government
is inside this building.

That's correct, yes.

And they are about to unveil
a new color called drimple.

I ain't going anywhere.

"so sorry.
Only women can see drimple."

Okay,
I just want to update everybody.

Only women can see drimple.

Oh, that's why
it's only females on the line?

No one told me that
until just now.

I've been here, like,
three days.

Mike, let all the women in,
and, everybody on line,

As soon as you get in,
scream loudly.

-Okay.
-Oh, my god.

Can I still come in?

oh, my god.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

I don't --
where? What is it?

I don't see anything.
-"I can't see anything."

I see green.

Is that a ship?

Nice work, buddy.

Murr: Alright, qbert.

Oh, this is crazy.
You didn't hear about this?

"they're opening
dinkins' tomb today."

This is, uh --
you know david dinkins,

The ex-mayor of new york?
-Okay.

-They're opening his tomb today.
-Okay.

They're opening his tomb.

They're resuming his body today,

And they're letting
everybody watch.

Yay.

Oh, you don't want in
on that?

You don't want in on that?
No?

You don't want to see them
un-mummify david dinkins?

So they wrapped him
like in ancient egypt?

-I got to be honest with you.

I kind of want to keep going
with david dinkins' tomb

Until I get someone in there
to go see it.

If I was walking
down the street,

I'd jump on the line.

I think they said
there's room for one more.

Oh, here he comes.

Don't even bother
with this guy, q.

I'm just asking because
my co-worker and I need to --

-Put your hand down.
-I didn't put my hand up.

Yeah, just -- just stop
engaging with him.

Murr: Yelled at imburge.
Now yell at cast.

Did he just go into
a karate stance?

He's now jumping
and air boxing.

I think he began to do
the "macarena," then stopped.

Guys, let's let the line in
and let this guy clear out.

Okay.

-Oh, he's trying to go in.

He doesn't know
what he's going in for.

Guys, let's let the line in
and let this guy clear out.

-Oh, he's trying to go in.

One more?

¿uno más, por favor?

Okay.

Murr: Mike, kick q out for
getting too close to the tomb.

-Alright, that's it.
-Alright, alright.

Alright.

I'll tell you
a funny story.

Mark, just turn and walk away
in the middle of his sentence.

Just ready, and go.

Walk away.

This guy's --

Mark, keep walking.
Everybody walk.

Just clear.

This guy doesn't...

Dan, walk away.
Everybody walk away.

Are they going to
let me in?

-You didn't hear about this?
-No.

You know who
david dinkins is?

Yes, I do.

They found this tomb in there,
and they're opening it up.

-"no."
-no.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Anyway, I got too close to it,
so they threw me out.

Murr:
you got too close.

Yeah.

So wait a minute.

I'm the one
that made him walk away?

Yeah, and you lost,
buddy.

Aw!

Narrator: It's the end
of the line for q,

Making him tonight's big loser.

"q lost, so we're here

At carnegie diner and café
for his punishment,

And all q has to do
is get in the time machine."

Oh, wow. Look at this.

this is nuts.

Q, it's sal and murr...

Oh, my god.

-...From the future.
-From the future.

Two years in the future.

Well, 23 months,
a-about.

We don't have much time.

We need you
to save...

The future.
-The future.

Okay.
Q, there's a series
of unfortunate events

That will unfold
if you don't step in

And change the course
of history.

We've got horrific headlines
from today,

In the future.
-In the future,

And you'll need
to complete some tasks

To alter
these news events, buddy.

Where am I in the future?

Why aren't I in the future
with you?

You're in the present.

We're calling back through time.
-We're in the present as --

We're in the present,
as well.

Yeah,
so why am I in a time machine?

Yeah, what is the point
of the time machine?

We could've just sent
the -- the tv back.

Yeah, please tell me
this isn't the first time

That you guys realize that
I don't need a time machine.

Uh, well, for me, it is.
I'm going to be honest.

-'cause in the future...

This is the very first time
I'm connecting those dots.

Okay, so I'm not
going back to 1955?

No, you're going to hit
some buttons,

Come out exactly wherever
the you are already.

Just understand,
we needed a fun way

To make you do sh*t
at the diner.

Q, we have the newspaper
from the future...

-Oh, great.
-...And here's what it is.

"residential gas leak
causes expl*si*n --

Woman couldn't find
house keys fast enough."

There she is, q.

Oh, my gosh, buddy.

What you're going to have to do
is go to this woman

And dump the contents
of her purse onto the table.

-Come on.
-It's the only way.

It's to prevent
a gas-leak expl*si*n, q.

If she had only found
her keys faster.

-Ugh.
-Q, there's not a lot of time.

Also,
these wigs are tight, so...

Oh, god.

-There she is, q.
-This is a tough one, buddy.

I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it.
-Go, q. Go.

You're a fireman.
Save her life.

Can't I just let her die and
everybody in the building die?

Do I have to?

I wrote,
"I am from the future"...

...So that will explain
everything.

-Here we go.
-Alright, buddy.

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

Here -- here he goes.
Here he goes.

Hi.
How is everything?

Everything working out great?
-Yeah.

This is wonderful. This is --
that's a message from me to you.

-Okay.
-I'm from the future,

And we just need
to make sure --

No, no, no. It's okay.

We're going to --
we're going to show you --

I just want to show you
something. It's okay.

This is -- 'cause tonight --
are your house keys in here?

Oh, my god.

I feel like
I'm going to pass out.
Oh.

Murr: Here -- here he goes.
Here he goes.

That's a message
from me to you.

-Okay.
-I'm from the future,

And we just need
to make sure --

No, no, no. It's okay.

We're going to --
we're going to show you --

I just want to show you
something. It's okay.

This is -- 'cause tonight --
are your house keys in here?

-No.
-You're going to need them.

-You're going to need them.
-Oh, my god!

Oh. Huh. Tampons.
Alright.

oh.

Q's hiding
in the time machine.

Sal: Oh, my god.

Q,
the newspaper changed.

She found her keys in time
and stopped the gas leak.

Tampons came --
popped out.

There were sanitary napkins
everywhere.

Q, this headline is going to
hit home for you, buddy.
Yeah.

"scientist on the brink
of curing cat cancer fired

Because of marijuana
drug-screening tests."

Wow.

Q, what you're
going to have to do

Is go to this guy
and insist

He accepts your jar
of clean piss.

He will pass
that drug test.

He will not get fired.

Cats will never have cancer
in the future.
That's right.

Oh, god.

Alright, buddy.

Oh, my god, he's wearing,
like, a gold rolex.

You see,
he's a scientist.

Alright. Okay.

You have to get
in the headspace, q,

That you have
no choice here.

Do you think that I would
be here if I had a choice?

-alright. Okay.

Alright, here I go.

Excuse me.

I don't mean to interrupt.

First of all, I want to say
I'm a big fan of your work.

I like everything you do,
and I, too, love cats,

But because of your
marijuana...Addiction,

You're about to get fired
from your job.

So I have come here to deliver
to you a clean vial of piss

That you could use
on your drug test today,

And then you could save
all the cats and kittens.

Trust me on this one.
I come from the future.

no. Please --

No, no. That's great.
You use that.

You pour that into the thing.
-No, no, no, no. I -- listen --

You're going to need that.

Sir, take the clean piss.

oh.

The future has been saved.

Sal:
oh, my god.

His hand
is still in the air.

What is this?
-Oh, this is so good.

Ugh.

I mean, the piss is one inch
from his leafy greens.

My god.
-Look at q.

-Ugh.
-You alright?

I don't feel good, no.
I-I don't feel good at all.

E-everything I've done
is miserable.

Buddy, this just in
from the future.

"top spies poisoned,

U.S. Intelligence
'in tatters.'"

So what you've got to do
is keep these two spies,

These two lovely ladies
from eating any of their food.

So go over
and swipe their table clean...

...Onto the floor.

We've been saving this one
all day.

Alright. Okay.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

Here he goes.
Here he goes.

How you guys doing?

Okay. Um...

Are you guys
missing anything?

-Her breakfast.
-Yeah.

Okay, I'm --
I'm from the future,

And I know that
you guys are american spies,

And I can't have you eating
this food 'cause it's poisoned.

We can't have you eating any
of this.

-ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Any of that food.
Any of that.

Any of that.

Any of that.

You're saved.

-Good for you, buddy. Good job.
-Good job, buddy.

Q saves the day.

God bless america.

My friends from the future
told me to do it.

well, full disclosure,

This wig has been cutting
circulation to my brain

For the last three hours.