12x13 - Vac Attack

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Today we're joined
by our dear friend and actor

Justin long.
Yeah.

And we are about
to compete head-to-head,

Pitching new inventions
to a focus group.

The catch is,
we have no idea

What the product is
until the moment

That we reveal it.
At the end,

We'll ask them to vote
for whose product is best.

If the majority
of the room

Doesn't vote for your product,
you lose.

I lose?
You're the new guy.

-Ooh!
-Oh!

What we're doing here today,
it's a focus testing.

We're gonna show you
some products

That we're working on
and backing

Either financially
or idea-wise.

So this first product that we're
gonna ask you to comment on...

Okay.

Murr: So justin
has chosen this for q.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I present flagg...

With two g's.

Flagg.

Talk is cheap. With flagg,
it doesn't have to be.

Simply install flagg
in any space you converse in,

Begin talking, and watch.

Flagg automatically
lowers itself to half-mast

If your conversation
becomes heavy or uncomfortable.

Justin is gonna be
able to control flagg

From under the table.

Examples of words and phrases

That may trigger flagg
include...

"lantern fly"...

"legionnaires' disease"...

Like, legionnaires.
There we go.

Uh, "in a better place,"

Unless you're talking
about death.

Then it's down there.

Mental load, custody battle,
climate change.

Born on a factory farm.
Oh, yeah.

There it goes.

These are all social cues
that it picks up on?

Watch.
Try saying something.

Uh, my dog was sick.

And now she's doing better,

But unfortunately,
I put her down.

That's crazy.

Can I be debbie downer here?

I guess so.

If you're conversing
with people,

You know, all you have to do
is look at a person's face

And you know
how they're feeling.

Yeah, it doesn't
like you right now.

I'll tell you that much.

Is it just like --
like you speaking in

A positive tone
that makes it go?

Well, let me
ask you something.

What was the last movie
you saw that you liked?

"big daddy."
I love "big daddy."

"big daddy"
is a hilarious movie.

Now, ma'am.

One of my favorite movies?
Yeah.

"bad boys: Right or die."

Wow.
"bad boys: Ride or die."

I would not have guessed that.

One of her favorite movies
is the latest "bad boys?"

You know who look like?
That was last one I think.

You look like the guy
from "accepted."

Yeah.
Is that the college one?

Man: Yes.
I saw that. I like it.

He likes it. He likes it.
Oh, there we go.

Yeah.
That's cool.

Now I like this thing.
Yes.

I have one
more question.

Is this --
this is electric or...?

Yeah.
This sucker's electrical.

And I don't know how,
but, you know,

If it's going down, maybe red
flag, if it's going up,

Green flag instead
of the american.

The flag is.
Interchangeable.

Why doesn't it like
anything I say?

Marcia, this would guide you,
right, in conversation

So you're not as depressing,
you know,

As we've come
to know you to be.

Why don't you give you
an opportunity

To -- to present
your product?

Alright, justin.
Here we go, buddy.

Meet doggy door,
the world's first

Smart entryway
for your best friend.

Using advanced ai sensing,
doggy instantly recognizes

When your dog wants in or out
and opens just for them.

It keeps stray animals
and unwanted guests outside

While giving your dog
vip access 24/7,

Because your pet deserves
technology as loyal as they are.

Is it motion sensor?
It works based on your

Animal's a chip
in the collar.

Okay.
Let's say a bear
eats your dog.

Now does he have access
straight into the house?

He would have access
until he defecated it out.

Like, what if someone knew
that you had this...

Yeah.
...Say, a serial k*ller
and k*lled your dog?

Serial K*llers love dogs.

I'm just gonna
show them nola.

-Oh!
-Oh!

Woman:
She looks like my dog.

Oh, she's so cute.

So, you know, you know,
the dangers of

just a flap.

So now,
let's see how it works.

Here we go.
This is up.

this is...

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

It's a no for me.

Man: You took his hat off.

You -- you would avoid
this scenario

With proper training.

Like, nola looks to be
a little bit over...

She's five pounds.

"yeah,
she'd be obliterated."

She'd -- she'd be obliterated,
I imagine.

But -- but...

The bottom
of the guillotine.

Guillotine.
She called it a guillotine.

We don't call it a guillotine.
It's a doggy door.

I want you to notice how fast.

So this will be...
That's 200 psi's right there.

You asked about
a serial k*ller?

I sure did.

You got 600 american
horsepower coming down saying

You're not
coming in tonight.

Yeah.

Can we come, like,
with an automatic stop?

Murr: "no, we cannot."
you know how some elevators --

No, no.
No.

They'll sense.
No, no.

You know, your arms in the way
and it stops.

No, marcia.

Marcia: You should have...

Sorry. Sorry.

Marcia's really
throwing you off.

Well, it's just a lot
of negativity.

Murr: Alright, let's,
uh, let's take the vote, guys.

We're going
to take a vote.

Just by show of hands,

Who thinks that
the doggie door is better?

Murr: One, two.

Two.
Two. Justin wins.

Despite marcia
riding my ba*ls.

What we have -- we have,
uh, two exciting products

To show you right now.
Woman: Let's do it.

Here we go, bud.

Oh.
Sterry.

A lot of men
are at a point in their lives

Where they no longer
want to have children.

It's a cute name
for sterilization.

The option up until now
was to go under the knife

And get a vasectomy.
Vasectomy.

Vasectomy.
But there's a better way.

Introducing sterry.

This is a low-level
radiation device

That's the size
of a business card.=

It has a range of up
to 12 feet

And can still be effective next
to your nightstand or backpack.

In combination
with mountain dew...

Sterry will deplete
your active sperm count

In eight months
or less.

Go sterile
with sterry fast,

And avoid getting
your p*nis tubes cut.

So, the card goes
in your wallet.

Okay?
And then you're walking around.

Now I'm the guy.
I've had a few kids.

I'm ready to get
my life back.

And --
is that an active
prototype?

Because my wife
and I are trying to conceive.

Is that an active prototype?
It is an active prototype.

Could you step back?

Well, it's been on the table
this whole time,

To be honest.
Could you please move


My wife and I are trying
to conceive right now.

I didn't realize
you brought an active prototype.

This takes eight months
for a full depletion.

So the radius is double
the covid recommendations.


You're irradiating men's sperm.

Can you --
what if you take
the subway sperm?

If you go to church on Sunday.

You're irradiating
the whole congregation.

Sal: I could speak
to all of these things, please.

If you are around sterry
for an hour,

You are losing nothing.

If you hang out with me
all the time, like,

You're my friend,
we're inseparable,

You're only gonna lose
like half your sperm.

this is crazy.

Murr, you're tingling.
You feel a tingling.

I feel like a tingling.

That's sterry working.

Then you get
further away!

Look --

Come on.

I told you,
don't bring that near me, man.

I already told you.
Relax.

It's gonna take eight months for
your whole bag to be depleted.

So you can show me
that on the app?

I can show you on the app
the day my last sperm dies.

Shall we? Shall we move on?
Alright, alright.

Reset out there.
Reset out there.

Okay.
Can you guys see this?

You can see that?
Yeah? Is that good?

Okay.

Justin: That's insane.

Can you guys see this?
You can see that?

Yeah? Is it good?
Okay, here we go.

So, sal asked me to help him out
with this a little bit.

He gave you the controls?
So I'm gonna man the controls

When the time is right.
Yes.

So this is
the self-driving stroller.

Walk alongside your child
instead of pushing behind

Where you can't see them.

Justin: That's insane.
With peace of mind,

Knowing that your little one is
in the infallible hands

Of an all-knowing
computer.

You know, the problem with
a stroller is that you're behind

And you cannot see
your child.

Are they crying? Are they happy,
sad, hungry, upset?

You don't know.

And you have parents
that are okay with this?

Yeah, it has sensors on all
sides making sure your child is

Safe and protected.

Now, what is it?
Here?

Oh. See?
So...

Look at sal's face.

The sensors will --
will protect it seamlessly

From banging
into anything.

Watch.
So --

Oh, well.

Well, hold on,
let me -- let me reset it.

Let me reset.
Let me reset it.

Oh.

Maybe strap
the baby in.

Oh, hold on,
hold on one second.

Strap the baby in.
Okay let me, let me just --

You are vicious.

So, what we want
to show you

Is that it does have
sensors on all sides.

This carriage will
not crash into anything.

As a parent,
could you benefit

From something
like this?

I could see a parent that
would very much appreciate it.

Right? It's just --

See, it did come back to me.
I-I did command it.

My friends would love it.

The actual cradle...

I mean, you gotta have it,
right?

By show of hands,
how many of you think

That edward's product is closer
to coming to market than mine?

One.

Two.
Two.

Well, you just sold
your futures.

Well done.
Yeah.

Narrator: This just in,
murr and q lost.

So they'll be taking the
long walk to the loser board.

Today we're posing
as customers at cafe aroma,

And, uh-oh,
a crime is about to occur.

After this heinous crime.

Witnesses will be asked
to fill out an incident report.

The catch is,
our incident report

Has been written
by the other guys.

At the end, the manager will
give the other witness

A gift card
for their time.

He'll also ask them
if we deserve a gift card,

Despite our report being
so wildly inaccurate.

If you don't get
a gift card, you lose.

Dude, your -- your
dad stole my tip.

I didn't see anything?

Alright, q, you are about
to witness a crime, my friend.

The thief is one of our
producers, christian esten.

Christian:
I'm stealing these tips!

And there's nothing this,
fat old man can do about it.

Suck it, fat stuff!

Sal: Oh my, god.

Well, he stole your tips,
but he called me fat twice.

I mean,
I've been losing weight.

Sal: Alright, szeluga.
Hey, what happened?

Some guy just stole, uh...

...All your tips
and then ran out.

John: Would you mind
filling out an incident report?

How do you do
an incident report?

I'll do it for you.

She's in, she's in. Okay.
Here we go.

All right.

His whole report
is filled out already.

We'll see how
these incident reports

Stack up
against each other.

Fat twice and old once.

You're not that
old and fat.

I want to make
sure I can read everything.

I want to make sure
there's no discrepancies.

Is that okay if I...
Yeah, sure.

...Go over these with you?
Sure.

Uh, stranger came in
and threatened to harm,

And he ran out
with the whole tip jar.

John: You said you made
direct eye contact

And dared him
to do something.

The b*tch backed down
and went for the tip jar?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You said as soon
as he exited,

He lifted off into the air
on a jetpack or pogo stick?

But I didn't see
where it went.

I just -- he ran out the door,
and then he was gone.

You had just put $50
in the tip jar.

Yeah.
Because that's
how you roll.

You're asking
if you can get that back.

Walk away, let her talk.
Yeah, yeah.

I think he took
the jetpack up there.

The guy called him a name
when he took the tip jar or...?

She said fat.

She should he called you
a fat.

She should he called you
a fat.

I'd like to give
you a gift card

Or something
for your troubles.

You think I should give
him a gift card as well?

She said you shouldn't
have to give him anything.

That's a loss, buddy.

You lost,
you fat.

Sal: Whoa, boy!

This is mine.

Whoa!

Suck it, lady!

He manhandled you.

Yeah, I'm okay,
and I'm not a lady.

Why would he think that?
I don't get it.

I can't get over...

Send in szeluga.
Send in szeluga

It was so unnecessary.

What happened?
He put --
this guy came in,

He misread me as a lady.

And then --

And then took the tip jar
and ran.

He's only upset
about being called the lady.

Sex? Male.

Can I just go over this
with you two,

Make sure we're
on the same page?

You said pretty sure the thief
was carrying a bazooka?

He -- he --
you saw that, right?

I didn't see it.
You didn't see it?

He had it, like, under his...
I know he had a hat
and glasses.

He had the hat,
what I imagined

To be a bazooka
of some kind.

I didn't notice,
but it's possible.

You wrote, "my underwear
sucked itself inside me

At the worst time and prevented
me from intervening."

It was an involuntary
reaction,

But it seemed as if my underwear
did suck up into my own cavity

From fear in that moment.

And you just wrote
under comments,

You said the kid
stole your toupee.

I entered the store
with his hair

And he grabbed the tip jar,
shoved me, misgendered me,

Took my toupee and ran out.

You saw it, right?

Oh, I didn't see the hair.

I had a fantastic toupee,

Which probably explains
why he thought I was a lady.

Okay.

Okay.
Yeah, let me...

Um, thank you.

I'd like to give you a gift card
for helping us out today.

If you were me, would you give
him a gift card also?

Ah!
Ah!

Murr, he said yes.

I ain't no lady.

Alright, boys.
Murr: Alright, sal v.

Sal, you know, we got a buddy
on set today, right?

Yes.
You brought teddy swims
to set,

And now we're going to set
them loose on you.

What do you think
about that?

He looks the part.

Murr:
Alright, here we go, sal.

Uh-oh.

Teddy's about
to steal that tip jar.

Uh-oh.

I'm taking this with me.

you gonna do about it?

Murr: Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Uh-oh.
Murr: Teddy's about
to steal that tip jar.

I'm taking this with me.

you gonna
do about it?

Oh, this guy's invested.

You smell like a b*tch.

What is that? Coco chanel?
No, it's --

Come her, sugar.

Murr:
This guy in the orange shirt
has witnessed the whole scene.

Let's send out
the manager.

Would you mind filling out
an incident report real quick?

Alright, this guy's in.

Thank you.

I just want to make
sure there's no discrepancies.

Uh, you said a guy walked in and
took the tip jar and some chips,

Which is basically
what you said also, right?

Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah.

You said suspect moved
hurkle-durkle to the register

And ran roughshod all
over the tip jar.

Murr: Hurkle-durkle?

John: I'm sorry.
I never heard that saying.

Hurkle-durkle?
Yeah.

Uh, you wrote, "I was boned up
and ready to deliver justice,

But the other witness
seemed puss."

Me?

I didn't think you were gonna
read it out loud.

Yeah, he said other
witness seemed puss.

He definitely
crapped his thumb."

That's an expression I've heard.

Additional comments you wrote,
"I was in here last week

And this didn't happen.

My father is a wealthy jamaican
business-mon, if that matters."

Murr: My dad's a mon.
Business-mon.

Yeah, he's a business-mon.

He trades
stocks and things.

I'd like to give
you a gift card.

Should I give him
a gift card also?

Okay.
Murr: Ah!

Sal, he says
give it to you.
You won!

What a nice guy.
Yeah.
What a nice guy.

That's my dude right there.

Narrator: The reports are in,
and it looks like

Q is tonight's big loser.

Q has lost,
so today we are at

Union square park
for his punishment.

Q, you're not much
of an app guy we find,

And so we feel you
have been missing out on a lot

Of interesting apps.
Okay, yeah.

So we decided
to take the initiative

And sign you up for some
really great interactive apps

That are going to be
interacting with you a lot.

The punishment
doesn't end

Until you get someone
to sign up for one of these

Awful, I mean,
interactive...

Interactive, interactive.
Wait, what?

...Apps, yes.

Okay, buddy, we are ready.
So...

You know what?

A part of me
is kind of really excited

To see what apps
you guys came up with,

But another part of me
realizes it's me

That's got to endure them.

This app is
my favorite one, buddy.

You'll know it
when it happens to you.

Excuse me, do you know
where washington square park is?

Yeah.
Okay, let's cue the app.

And you think that that --
oh, god. No.

Tackle!

Oh, he got me.
You got me.
You get tackled.

Man: Five stars, right?
Five stars.

Okay.
Alright.

I got another guy
in 14 tackle.

Tackled!

I got you. Got five stars.
Five stars!

So I'm on that app tackle.
Oh, really?

Yeah.
You heard of it?

You put it on,
and at any minute,

Somebody could come over
and tackle you.

Alright.
You want to try it?

Dude, look, look.

I get a $5 gift certificate
if you go off my --

Murr: Dude.

Think about the joy.
Like, anybody at any time.

You don't want to get tackled
at any given moment?

Murr: Send in the app.
Here it comes.

On the park...

Oh.
Uh, alright.

Get down.

This is good.

Sal: He's getting hog-tied.

Give me five stars.

You're gonna get five stars,
I promise.

Murr: "it's a hot new app
called lassoed."

Oh, my god.

I didn't know they
were gonna leave me the rope.

I thought they just lassoed you
and, like, did it, man.

Have you been on
lassoed yet?

You haven't been lassoed?
You set your location on.

You select a slot, and
at some point during the day,

They come out and they
lasso you just for fun.

Download it.

I'm a little confused.

You don't want to
be hogtied by a woman

Dressed like a cowgirl?

I don't know
if you saw what happened.

Did you see what happened
over here, bud?

That's an app
called lassoed.

Is this really happening?

Are we going to download
lassoed together and do it?

No?

Murr:

Q, just look left
and right and say,

Are my best friends.

You guys
are my best friends.

You say it.

Sal: I love that they
walk in the opposite directions.

You are untenable.

Are you desperate brian?
Yeah.

I would love to do
a session now, if you're okay.

Yeah,
I can do a session.

Thank you so much.
Yeah. What do you got?

Q, this is a wellness app
that matches men for intimate,

One-on-one consensual,
sensual, groaning sessions.

Are you gonna...?

Sal: Q, this is a wellness app
that matches men for intimate,

One-on-one consensual,
sensual, groaning sessions.

Are you gonna...?

I'm good, I'm good.
I'm getting into it.

Sorry, sorry.

Do you consent
to holding hands?

Yeah,
I consent to holding hands.

Sal: Sustained eye contact,
please.

You sound
like you're slobbering.

Oh, I like it sloppy.
Is this helping?

Is this working for you?
It's very helpful.

I can't help but feed them,
too.

I'm the --
I'm the same way.

Alright,
here comes our friend,

Comedian rachel feinstein.

Hi.
I'm sorry to bother you.

Are you not
in any way a man 69?

I -- I am, yes.

Okay.
I'm actually here from the app.

It's flawed. Yeah.
Oh, okay.

Flawed.
Yeah.
If you don't, I would...

I guess we'll start
with your smell.

Okay.

Your mom called it
a threat to the atmosphere

And asked, "aren't you
too wealthy to smell this bad?"

This is the app flaws.
Have you heard about this thing?

No.

Your friends put in
your -- your flaws,

And then rachel comes
and tells you all the complaints

That your friends
had about you.

Really?
Yeah. It's called flaws.

Yeah.

Let's get
into some more.

This one was anonymous.

It just says you
look like silent bob

If he moved to vermont.

Okay, alright.
It's not that helpful.

Shea says you pretend
to go to the gym,

But she doesn't
believe you.

"you wear smock tops
to cover your shapeless body,

But no one's buying it."

I mean...

Mega manduke said you were
going to reschedule your staff's

Pool party
and then never did.

Jeez.
Oh, your dad?
Sorry. Your dad.

My dad's here.
Yes.

He said, "
he's disappointed with

The man you've become.

He...

He put the word man
in quotes.

I've got a lot to work on,
apparently.

Oh, your aunt said you're a bit
of a p*ssy, if that helps.

I'm a p*ssy.
My aunt said that.

Okay, so there's
all your -- your flaws.

Thank you. Thank you, rachel.

Again, five stars.
Five stars, five stars.

Good job, rachel.

Well, if you want
to take a picture

Of the qr code
so you have it.

Sal: Oh. Whoa whoa, whoa.
He's taking a picture.

I mean, yeah,
you just do that.

And then --
and then there you go.

Alright.

This is going to change
your life.

Wow.
After all that?

You got it.
Good job, buddy.

Ah, yeah.

You know,
it would have been good.

I could use I could use
a sapporo now type thing.

You know what I mean?
That'd be great.

Oh, sh*t.
Here we go.

Tackled!

Murr: Tackled.