12x19 - Second Banana

[bunniefuu]

Oh,

I know, darling, but high school.

And, uh, well, I'd give you a chance to
get out of the house.

There must be times when you'd like to.

Why?

She's got me to talk to practically every minute.

Well, I guess I answered my own question.

What are you worried about, Mom?

High school kids are cool.

In the old days, if you got in trouble,
they sent you to the principal.

Nowadays, it's the principal that's in trouble.

Oh, man, Uncle Charley.

Now, there's a terrific evaluation of young people.

I got one flat rule.

Don't trust anybody with hair down to here.

Uncle Charley, I'm afraid I can hear you.

I hear your mind narrowing.

Douglas, Barbara, what subject will you be teaching?

Social science.

Oh, Steve, you know these kids want
relevant discussions about everything,

and I'm not so sure that I can satisfy them.

Oh, Barbara, you did just fine.

Well, it's nothing more than teaching a
room full of young people like Ernie.

Barbara, take my advice.

Take a job in a car wash.

Hey, you guys.

Yeah, Dodie.

I've been listening to Mom's problems, and
I'm telling you, I got one 12 times as worse.

Oh, well, what's your problem, Dodie?

Seems the little boy has a mad crush on Dodie.

He stands in front of the house just
waiting to get a glimpse of her.

I'm about to croak from it, Dad.

Well, Dodie, have you, uh, have you said anything to him?

What am I going to say to a six-year-old
boy that thinks I'm beautiful?

Well, Dodie, I mean, just, uh, just talk to him, and, uh,
well, tell him you'd rather not have him hanging around.

Is it really that easy?

Yes.

But, uh, of course, say something nice first.

You know, be diplomatic about it.

Okay, I'll try it.

Thanks, Dad.

Dad, am I getting sick of coming home with
your old lady Simpson's head?

Honey, we don't call her old lady Simpson.

Why not?

Old lady Simpson ain't exactly your Miss America.

Dodie, why did you come home through old lady...

Mrs.

Simpson's hedge?

Because of that old creep Alfred.

Alfred?

Yeah, the one that stares in front of the house staring.

Well, we noticed, Alfred.

Is there any particular reason he...

Mom, everybody in the world knows he has a
giant crush on me.

I think you should be flattered, Dodie.

Well, I do, too.

Man, I'm in the third grade and he's in the first.

I see.

You don't go for younger men.

I don't go for men at all.

Well, how about me?

Well, I like you and Dad and Ringo Stratton, that's all.

Well, thanks for the first billing.

Well, if anybody needs me, I'll be up in my closet.

Your closet?

Yeah, that way I can't see his clunky old
eyes staring at me.

Lady, I do not want you to go into your closet.

You can go up to your room and stay there, okay?

Okay.

First grader, yuck and double yuck.

Love seems to be striking younger and younger.

Oh, that poor little boy.

Hello, I'm Alfred's mother, Mrs. Hoover.

What can I do for you?

May I come in?

Oh, sure, sure.

I'm sorry.

I'm Charlie.

I'm Charley O'Casey.

I thought you were one of those cosmetic sales ladies.

Oh, uh, Mrs. Hoover, I'd like you to meet Katie Douglas.

Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Hoover.

Are you Dorothy's mother?

Oh, no, I'm her sister-in-law.

Her mother's working today.

Oh, Mrs. Hoover, wouldn't you take a load
off your feet here?

Thanks.

Well, I'll get right down to it.

I'm here to talk about Alfred.

He's a very sensitive child, extremely sensitive.

He was the only child at kindergarten that
was afraid of Mickey Mouse.

Well, that's sensitive all right, huh?

Has something happened to him?

Yes, I'm afraid your Dorothy said
something to him at school.

Oh, dear.

What did she say?

Oh, you know, kid stuff, something about germs.

Anyway, Alfred's locked in the bathroom.

Oh, the poor little mutt.

And you, uh, you'd like Dodie to undo
everything she did, is that right?

I guess so.

I mean...

He's so touchy.

I don't know exactly what I want.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

I got a terrific idea.

I know exactly what to do.

Man, Mom, I'm gonna have to start living under the house.

Nothing can be that terrible.

Yes, it can.

It's worse than eating worms.

All right.

Come on, now, tell me what Uncle Charley did.

Um, mail myself to New Jersey.

Dodie.

All right, I'll tell ya.

Uncle Charley invited Alfred over for dinner.

Weren't you gonna get sick or something?

Well, I don't see anything so terrible about that.

Man, he's gonna be in the same house
with me with his yucky hair and his clunky face.

Dodie, that's just about enough of that.

Now, he's a nice little boy who happens to like you.

One dinner with him at the same table is
not gonna hurt anything.

Mama, stop saying that rotten stuff.

Dodie Douglas.

Yeah?

If you go stand in your closet about this,
you're in big trouble.

Well, where should I go?

Well, try sitting in a chair.

In plain sight?

In plain sight.

Man, I wish I were tan so this stuff wouldn't bother me.

How did you, uh... How did you
find the high school kids today?

I found them under a lot of hair.

But you know, honey, they're really
well-informed, intelligent, nice kids.

I mean, they just want to know the answers
to a lot of questions.

Well, I can understand that, particularly
in a subject like social science.

It was life science today.

Tomorrow is zoology.

Well, you know what they say.

As long as you keep one day ahead of the class.

I have a feeling I'm running about a half an hour behind.

Alfred's here.

Yuck!

Fine.

Now, we are all going to go downstairs, and we are going
to have a nice, pleasant dinner with your little friend.

He's little, but he's not my friend.

Yes, he is, honey.

A little boy who's in the first grade
can't be anybody's enemy, now can he?

Sure.

Dodie, he may not be your favorite person, but
he is your guest, and you're going to be nice to him.

Okay?

How can you be nice to someone that makes
your stomach crawl around?

Steve, would you like to take over?

Uh, Dodie, come here, will you, please?

Now, look, honey, you wouldn't want to do
anything to hurt someone's feelings, would you?

I am absolutely not going down there
eating any dinners with Alfred.

Now, I'm not going to argue with you, Dodie.

I want you to go downstairs, and I want
you to be polite, okay?

You couldn't get me down there in nine tractors.

Okay, Barbara.

The old Douglas psychology?

Right.

My Three Sons will continue where they belong.

It's very nice having you to dinner, Alfred.

Okay.

I think your children should start eating now.

Okay.

When.

Someone's staring right at your face, it's hard to choose.

Mom, I need to go.

I'm going to the kitchen.

Where's she going?

She didn't go on a trip.

She went in the kitchen.

She'll be right back, Alfred.

Why don't you sit down, huh?

Okay.

I hate his teeth.

I hate his hair.

I hate his whole body.

Dodie, you are going to go back in there
and sit down and behave like a lady.

You're not kidding, are you?

No, I'm not kidding.

I can always tell by the vein in your neck,

Alfred, how big is your family?

I mean, do you have any brothers or sisters?

Uh-uh, just me, my dad, my hamster, and my mom.

That's a weird order to put them in.

I wonder what it means.

You like Dodie a lot, don't you?

I love her.

He's.

Trying to be helpful.

Well, he simply almost broke my legs off.

Dodie.

Thanks, Alfred.

Okay.

Man.

It's all right, honey.

It was just an accident.

Oh, I'm getting the flu.

Dodie.

I really feel creepy inside, Mama, honest.

Honey, if you really don't feel well,
you're going to have to go straight up to bed.

Good.

Mama means it, Dodie.

If you insist you're sick, you go upstairs to bed.

Okay.

I don't want to die right here on my salad plate.

My temperature's about 147.

Where's she going?

Is she going to die?

I don't think so, Alfred.

She'll be fine.

She looks real sick.

I had no idea there were so many species of insects, Steve.

Well, they could overrun the earth.

Speak quietly.

Maybe they won't get wind of it.

Did you realize that not only spiders,
but mites and ticks have eight legs, too?

Of course.

I've spent many a happy hour counting
spider, mite, and tick legs.

Oh, what could that be at this time of night?

I'll get it.

You stay here with your bugs.

Oh, I've had enough.

I'm beginning to itch.

It's probably Ernie wanting an extension on his curfew.

Hello?

Oh, yes, Mrs. Hoover.

Are you sure?

What have you done?

I mean, have you called the police?

Called the police?

What about?

It seems Alfred's run away.

What?

Mrs. Hoover, have you searched the house?

Uh-huh.

Just a minute, Mrs. Hoover.

Charley, are you on the phone downstairs?

Sure, it's me.

You think I'm not going to listen in when
people call this late?

Oh, that's not the point, Charley.

You've heard the entire conversation, so why don't
you take a look outside and see if Alfred's out there?

Staring at the house?

Well, okay.

Mrs. Hoover, I'm sure Alfred's all right.

Maybe you'd better take a look through the house again.

I remember once we thought Chip had run
away and he was up in the attic.

He had this cat with a litter of kittens and we found
him sound asleep right in the middle of the whole batch.

Sorry, Mrs. Hoover, he's not there.

Yes, yes, well, we'll keep a watch here.

Tell him not to be upset.

Well, honey, I don't think that's the best
advice I could give her right now, do you?

Well, yes, of course we'll let you know, Mrs. Hoover.

If something happens here, sure.

Well?

Well, he did seem a little concerned about Dodie,
but I'm sure that isn't the reason he left home, if he has.

Charley, yeah, we will.

Goodbye, Mrs. Hoover.

Charley, put on some coffee, will you?

We're coming down.

Doing.

That little kid any good sitting around here?

Well, we might if we could reconstruct the evening.

Now, we know Alfred is worried about
Dodie, and we know he loves her.

And after the way he stared at her at dinner, well, all
logic says he should be outside staring at the house.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

Well, he ain't.

There's only a car across the street.

Yeah, and there's two people in it.

Yeah, and they're very close together, and I don't think
it's very sophisticated of us to watch two kids necking.

Come on, Charley.

Hey, you know something weird?

He's got more hair than she has.

Hey, I just thought of something.

What?

How do we know them two kids out there are kids?

What else would they be?

Kidnappers.

Oh, that's right.

That's right, and they have Alfred.

And they came and sat across the street from our house on
the off chance that we might just peek through the curtain.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I hate to say this, Steve, but
your wife is getting too smart for her britches.

You know, I've come to the conclusion that our
family has nothing to do with Alfred's running away.

All right.

Well, then why don't we all get to know him?

Yeah, go ahead, and I'll clean up.

Okay.

Good night, Charlie.

Good night.

Good night.

Uh, Charley, uh, did you go outside before
to look for Alfred or anything?

No, the window wasn't that dirty.

No, I mean, uh, why is the door open?

Well, I-I thought you locked up.

No.

Charley, uh, call Mrs. Hoover right away.

I'll come.

Steve.

Charley, would you call Mrs. Hoover and
tell her we found him?

I'm going, I'm going.

What.

In the world are you doing here?

Your brother and father are very worried about you, Alfred.

Guess so.

Well, why did you do this?

I didn't want her to die.

What happened to the peanut butter?

It turned into brown paste.

Oh.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yeah.

She's here.

It's for you.

The Board of Education.

The Board of Education?

Yeah.

Hello.

Yeah.

Yes, I'm supposed to go to Dorsey High this morning.

Oh?

Oh, Marshall Boulevard?

Oh, that's fine.

It's very close to me.

In fact, my little girl goes there.

All right.

Uh-huh.

Fine.

Thank you.

Bye.

They changed schools?

Don't you?

Yeah, Dodie's school, only not her class.

High school one day, grammar school the next.

The mice and ticks are going to have to wait.

Man, I'm too young to worry this much.

What is it now?

Daddy just told me about that clunky old
Alfred sleeping in the same room with me.

Dodie, he is not clunky Alfred.

He thought you were ill, and he was very worried about you.

Mama, don't yell at me.

I'm going to get yelled at.

By Daddy when he comes home.

When he comes home?

Yeah.

He wants me to think about it all day.

Man.

Well, I think Daddy's right, don't you?

I don't know.

My head's wrecked up enough from being in so much trouble.

My Three Sons will return in a moment.

No, Dodie, your head doesn't have to be
wrecked, as you say.

I just want to show you what a little
deceit can bring about.

You mean every time I tell somebody I'm
sick, they're going to come and sleep on my floor?

No.

Now, I will say Alfred is a little hypersensitive,
but you were pretty unkind to him, wouldn't you say?

I guess so.

You know, Dodie, there are people who
pride themselves in their honesty.

They say, I'm honest no matter what.

Now, none of us want to be dishonest, but when you're so
honest that you're rude to people, that's not good either.

What was I?

Well, I see you were a little of both.

In the first place, you caused all this trouble because
you wouldn't sit down and have one meal with Alfred.

And you got out of it by telling a lie.

Good, you weren't really sick, were you?

Almost.

He's a real yuck, Daddy, honest.

Well, no, he's not a real yuck.

I think he's just a little too young for your age group.

You all got together and decided that anyone
in the first grade just doesn't measure up, huh?

In the second grade, too.

Oh.

Well, uh, Dodie, do you feel you did wrong?

I guess so.

Well, that's good.

Uh, were you rude to Alfred today?

No.

Oh, fine.

I say that's a little progress anyway.

Well, hi, everybody.

Hi, Ernie.

Are you two talking to me, Daddy?

Uh, yeah, I'd say, uh, we've reached a tenuous agreement.

You can run along.

Okay.

Well, how was first grade?

Well, did you know that bunny rabbits were
no longer bunny rabbits?

No.

I didn't.

Well, what are they now?

They are male and female mammals, differing
from hairs, only in that they bear furry young.

Isn't that cute?

I'd say a touch of disillusionment has set in.

Not really.

They're still wonderful kids.

He's back!

Who's back?

Alfred!

He's done with the house!

Man, when he falls...

He's not in love with you anymore, honey.

He isn't?

Who's he in love with now?

Well, I taught first grade today.

I taught first grade today, remember?

And, uh, Alfred sent me a poem.

You are neat, and you smell sweet, Alfred.

Well.

But I didn't know first graders could write that well.

Well, he had some help from his teacher.

His teacher?

You mean you wrote this note to yourself?

Well, I didn't know it was from me.

I mean, I wrote it, and he signed it.

In crayon.

Man, does mother have a problem now, huh, Daddy?

Yeah, I say that's a fair evaluation of the situation.

Where are you going?

To try and explain this to Mrs. Hooper.

They.

Will have a visitor from another planet.

It's an owl.

An alien life form.

Owl next, only on Odyssey.