12x04 - Goodbye Fergus

[bunniefuu]

Hi, welcome to our show.

Hi, I can't stay long.

I'll be back at the lanes in an hour.

Hi, Jerry.

Are you telling me you're being married tomorrow?

But you can't just do that to people.

I mean, you don't know what it's like in a
bowling alley on Saturday night.

It's nobody's library, I'll tell you that.

Where's Scotty?

Oh, he's taking a nap.

What a life you're going to have being
Lady Douglas on that farm of his.

Him and the chickens go to roost at the same time.

We all have to make adjustments, Uncle Charley.

Oh, Terry, we thought we'd make an aisle
for you from the stairs to the fireplace.

Do you like that?

Yeah, it's fine with me as long as I end up with Scotty.

And Dodie works for the flower girl.

Terrific.

Man, you'd sure shake them up in Scotland
if you wore that costume over there.

Let's see the reverend.

Oh, Reverend McClendon.

Dougal?

Aye.

Oh, please, come in.

I, uh, I'm Barbara Douglas, and,
uh, this is Katie Douglas, and,

uh, Charles O'Casey, and a little girl
with chocolate cake all over her face is.

Dodie, and this is the bride-to-be, Terry Dow.

How do you do?

Young woman, have you recently been in the circus?

Oh, this is the costume she wears at her
place of employment.

Dodie, honey, would you go up and tell
Fergus that the reverend is here?

And wash your face, okay?

Okay, Mama.

Are we to perform the nuptials here?

Yeah, well, um, we kind of move things
around and make it a little larger,

and there's not going to be very many of
us, just, uh, just family.

Aye, so the layout informed me.

Well, he'll be down in a minute.

You know, you could do me a favor.

If you snap the whole thing up,
I have to be back on table by 9.30.

Young woman, marriage is a very sacred affair.

It must not have been taken lightly.

That's the best preacher you could find.

He certainly isn't very friendly.

Ah, he's a good man, Terry.

He's just bitter because I bested him in
the matter of the fee.

Well, shall we proceed to the practice?

Proceed, Lottie.

How fast am I supposed to walk, Mama?

Well, um, maybe you can keep in time with the music.

Katie, can you sing the wedding march?

Yeah, yeah.

Ready?

Dum, dum, da-dum.

Dum, dum, da-dum.

Dum, dum.

Oh, you do not have this, ma'am?

Oh, yes.

You see, um, uh, Charles, Charley,
O'Casey's going to be the best man,

but my husband is not here right now,
so he's pretending to give the bride away.

Hey, what's going on?

Um, Ernie, uh, come here, sweetheart.

Uh, you, uh, you'll be the best man.

Uh, the best man stands right over here, doesn't he?

Aye, but not until the Lassie approaches the book.

Oh.

What's going on?

Well, uh, we're rehearsing Uncle Fergus's wedding,
and your father's late, so you just pretend to be the b...

Oh, what have you been rolling in?

I played football until it got dark,
and then I, I played at Harry's.

You sat at somebody's table looking like this?

Hey, if something doesn't happen down there
pretty soon, I'm walking out on this whole b*tch.

Can we, uh, can we no proceed, Reverend?

You have not prepared your people correctly, Douglas.

They know not of anything.

It is your place to prepare the wedding party, Reverend.

Do you know Ken?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Uh, Charley, Terry, come on down.

Now, I know this is all very sudden, but I know that
we can put it all together if we just cooperate, okay?

Douglas, does this woman have your
permission to supervise the proceedings?

Aye, this is her home.

She is a woman of my kin, and she has a good hate.

Thank you, Fergus.

All right, now, the way I see it, Steve and Terry, come
on down the stairs after Dodie has thrown a few pebbles.

Who be the Steve?

Otter, my kin.

He'll give the right away.

And then Dodie goes to the altar,
and... There will not be an altar.

They simply approach the book, which will be right here.

You know something?

Between Fergus and the Reverend,
I'm only getting half this conversation.

Me too.

Mom's just saying that Dodie comes in
first and throws flowers around.

And then Dad shows up with Terry.

Wait a minute, Ernie, wait a minute.

Let's just, one of us talk to avoid confusion, okay?

All right, now, Fergus, you come here, and
you stand right here after Dodie reaches the altar.

The book, the book.

The book, the book.

Okay, now, Dodie, after that, you come and
you sit right over here, sweetheart.

All right, and Katie, you sit next.

Now, I sit right over here, see?

And then Steve comes and steps aside,
sits next to me, and that's it.

You have forgot the best man.

She have forgot the best man.

Aye, Barbara, you have forgot the best man.

Yeah, okay, I'm sorry.

Charley, you're the best man, so you come in through the
kitchen with Fergus, and you stand right there, all right?

Surely I'm not permitting an Irishman to be the best man.

Come on, let's not get narrow-minded, Reverend.

He's a good man, Reverend.

I just recently learned his
great-grandmother was a McMurray.

Are you telling me that if my great-grandmother
wasn't a McMurray, I couldn't be best man?

Charley.

Let's have the rehearsal, shall we?

Okay, now, Charley and Terry, you go on upstairs.

Honey, you pretend you're the best man.

Fergus, you go on in the kitchen.

Dodie, on up the stairs, okay?

Katie, would you, uh, would you start the music?

Music.

Bum, bum, da-dum.

Dum, dum, da-dum.

Bum, bum, da-dum.

Charlie, no, honey, not yet.

I can't, Mama.

Well, you can scratch later when you sit down.

Charlie, uh, Terry, okay, okay.

Oh, boy.

Dumbest thing I ever heard of.

Rehearsing a thing that I ain't gonna do.

Fergus, Ernie, okay, come in.

Ernie, the dog, the dog.

Crack.

Oh, I'll get him out.

What do you think?

Well, what do you think?

Oh, I think it looks like the Bon Ton Ballroom.

It may be just the white chairs with flowers.

You did remember the flowers?

Yeah.

I ordered them the same time I ordered the chairs.

We were like, oh, my God.

I'm so lucky to get delivery in such short notice.

Oh, Katie.

This stuff's going to have to go.

Hi, guys.

I'm high.

Excuse me for not knocking.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah.

Well, we know what you mean.

It is a little much.

Oh, it's just beautiful.

Beautiful?

If I weren't in such a hurry, I'd cry.

Where's Scotty?

He's out for a walk.

A walk?

Well, he always gets up at the break of
dawn and walks for hours.

Uncle Charley says he thinks he's looking
over the ancestral estate.

Just think.

Terry Dowling, girl waitress in a bowling
alley, suddenly Lady Douglas.

What are you going to wear?

Oh.

Well, the dress is kind of plain.

See, so I brought along this flowered suit.

What do you think?

Oh, well, the suit is nice, but... It's colorful.

That's what I thought.

But the dress has very nice lines.

You know, I think that this is more what Fergus would like.

And he's kind of conservative.

Do you think so?

Oh, well, what about this hat?

Well, it's nice.

Your hair is so soft and pretty.

Not like this it ain't.

I mean, isn't.

You can watch that.

Ladies do not come on like truck drivers.

I'm going to tell you something.

I am not going to come on snooty with
those servants of Scotty's in Fifth Bridge.

Yeah, whatever it is.

Why don't you go upstairs and get your hair dry?

Use our room, okay?

Okay, yeah.

Here, I'll get this out of your way.

Oh, right there.

Oh, flowers.

Oh, flowers really cool my system.

I mean, I like them very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

When you see that preacher, Steve, he's a million laughs.

See, Fergus still isn't back.

Oh?

Well, he still has the better part of him.

An hour.

I know, but he has to change into what he's going to wear.

Oh, honey, something is wrong.

Maybe he went back to Scotland in a canoe.

I don't think anything's wrong, honey.

In a canoe?

He's too cheap to take a boat.

Honey, would you go out and look?

Honey, I can tell you that getting in a
car and driving around looking for

somebody is the world's greatest way to get a job.

Just the same, you're going to do it.

Why?

Well, she's about to cry.

Come on, I'll go with you.

Okay, but I guarantee you the minute we drive
off in one direction, he'll show up from the other.

Just take it easy, hmm?

Am I doing okay, Mommy?

Yes, you're doing just fine.

Hey, Mom, where's Uncle Fergus?

He's not up in my room.

I know, he took a longer walk than usual.

Man, you mean he's not here?

Oh, he's getting married in a half hour.

I know.

Oh, Fergus, where have you been?

The Reverend will be here in a minute.

Barbara, where is Stephen?

Well, she's out looking for you.

Aye.

Well, in that case, I must talk with you.

Come on, Douglas.

This is one of those high-level deals
where they throw you little kids out.

Barbara, I have been thinking.

I cannot marry the Bonnie lass.

Oh.

Well, Fergus, she is upstairs getting dressed.

Aye, but I cannot come to her.

We are falsehood.

Falsehood?

What falsehood?

Well, I fear she believes the manner of Scythian bridge to
be stocked with servants, and I only have one old retainer.

And furthermore... Fergus.

Fergus, you're talking to the wrong girl.

What are you saying, lass?

I'm saying... that she'd marry you
if you were a bus driver in Brooklyn.

One old retainer.

Aye, a servant.

One old servant.

He's dry, but old.

And the manor house where we be living,
it's, uh, it's old, too.

Drafty.

There's no central heating.

Just fireplaces.

Plenty wood.

What I'm trying to tell you, Terry, is that,
uh, it is not the palace you may be expecting.

The lands are hardened.

Fergus.

Get lost.

You're dismissing me.

I've got a wedding to go to.

You're paying no heed to my confession?

Listen, a prince can make a belt at night.

A Marquis, Duke, and all that.

But an honest man's a boon his might.

Good faith, he monofa that.

Oh, Terry, you're quoting Robbie Burroughs?

Don't give me too much credit.

I had to learn it in the fifth grade,
or they would have flunked me.

Go get dressed before I marry you right here in the hall.

But what are we waiting, miss?

Well, you said you were going to give the signal.

Be they ready?

Well, they be.

They are.

They are.

They are.

They are.

They are.

They are.

They are.

They are.

They are.

They are.

They are.

They are.

They are.

They are.

Do ye, Terry Patricia Dowling,
take this man to your husband?

I do.

Do you, the laird Fergus McBain Douglas,
take this woman to your wife?

I do.

Bearing in mind the vows of chastity and
obedience owe on the wife to the husband,

and the reverse case to be likewise true,
I hereby pronounce you man and wife.

He's the woman man.

Well,

that was really some wedding.

They got out of here so fast, I didn't
even have time to kiss the bride.

Well, Charlie, they were late and they had
to catch a plane.

A plane?

I thought they were going to drive to
Santa Barbara before they went to Scotland.

Well, they were.

And then they got these tickets, didn't I tell you?

They must have been free.

Oh, yeah, they were.

As a matter of fact, Terry's friends down at the bowling
alley all chipped in and gave him a three-day vacation.

Where?

To Las Vegas.

I didn't tell you, huh?

I thought I told you.

Oh, boy, I can just imagine that cheapskate in Las Vegas.

Uncle Charlie, you've been talking about
it for three days now.

Yeah, but it burns me.

We put the guy up, we give him a wedding, and he
takes off without practically saying goodbye to anybody.

Charles.

Uncle Fergus is not a very outgoing man,
but he does love us.

And I rather like the idea of Fergus and
Terry being part of the family, don't you?

Terry's okay.

Well, I put the sheets in the washing machine,
so if anybody wants to add anything, be my guest.

Yeah, and another thing.

How is he going to get a direct flight out
of Las Vegas for Scotland?

Go to San Francisco, I guess.

What's wrong with coming to L.A.?

So he can thank us?

Sure, so he can thank us.

What's wrong with a little gratitude?

I guess.

Hi, Barbara.

Oh, Terry, we were just talking about you.

Where's Fergie?

He's parking the car.

He's parking the car, but he can't drive.

I'm teaching him.

He's very good at parking when there's no
one in front of him.

Is anybody in my family's home?

Oh, yes, of course, Charley, Katie, look who's here.

Oh, Terry.

Hi, Katie.

Hey, Terry.

Charley, O'Casey, you come here.

And I'm here.

Kiss the bride.

Do you know that you didn't kiss me at the wedding?

Didn't I?

No.

Hey, where's Fungus?

I mean, first.

He's parking the car.

Terry taught him how to drive.

He parks real good if nobody's in front of him.

Well, how was Vegas?

Oh, fabulous.

Scotty won $7 on a nickel machine.

I thought he was going to faint.

Well, he did it.

He must have slammed into Katie's car.

You think so?

Oh, dear.

Oh, Terry, don't worry.

It didn't sound too bad.

What's the matter with you, Katie?

He smacked into your car, and you're not complaining?

Well, it... Oh, well, wait a minute.

Just learning.

You meathead, why don't you look where you're going?

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

Hello, Fergus.

Hello, Barbara.

If you heard the crash, there was no
damage to either machine, I think.

I will say that driving that machine is
not the same as driving a horse.

Oh, that's why you Heather-eating fathead, Charles.

And another.

I've had all the talk I'm going to take off you.

Well, you're going to take a little bit more.

Come on, come on, you guys.

Hold it, hold it.

Scotty thinks the world of Uncle Charley.

He just won't admit it.

Aye.

I think it's the same thing in reverse.

Aye.

I'm glad you came back.

So we wanted to.

In the first place, we didn't thank you or Steve or
Uncle Charley or the whole family for what you did for us.

Also, we had a return.

Ticket.

You had a round-trip ticket?

Is that the reason you came back?

Aye.

And also to give you the thanks you had coming.

We have a saying.

How does it go now?

Though I tread through Dub and Mire, I have
a heart for a friend and have no doubt nor fire.

Or, well, it's a perfect.

Now, there's a bulletin.

They will take you to the airport.

Well, Terry, Fergus.

Well, I'm glad I came home early.

Can you stay a while?

Well, we really would love to,
but we have to be on our way.

You see, the car is rented and Fergus
wants to take it back personally.

It's cheaper that way.

Stephen.

I want to thank you for everything, Stephen.

It was good having you with us, Fergus.

You're a good kin.

Thanks.

You're a good kin, too.

It's that time.

Aye.

Charles, will you not shake my hand?

Oh, sure.

And I'm sorry about that Heather Eaton stuff.

Aye.

The Irish are good, proud Gaelic people,
and don't you ever forget it, Charles.

That's right.

Well, Terry, we'd better be away.

Right.

We'll see you off.

Dodie!

Ernie!

What's going on, Ed?

Well, Terry and Fergus are leaving.

Mom wants you to say goodbye to them.

Oh, don't forget to write.

Just address it, Lady Douglas, Scythian Bridge, Scotland.

Well, we'd better be home, the new.

Hey, Daddy.

Maybe someday, honey.

Well, Charlie, have you finally decided Fergus is okay?

Aye.

And for a cheapskate that can't...
drive a car, that's the best man I ever met.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.