11x14 - The Liberty Bell

[bunniefuu]

Hi, welcome to our show.

I'm telling you, Dodie, there's nothing
worse than the same old grind.

Yeah, there sure isn't, Uncle Charley.

Then you know what I'm talking about.

Uh-uh.

Oh, well, no, the same old grind means doing
the same things every day, day in and day out.

Oh.

For instance, it's, uh, 8.15.

Now, your mother's gonna walk in here any
second and say, Good morning, Charley.

Good morning, Dodie.

And then she'll ask about the newspaper.

How do you know, Uncle Charley?

Because this family runs like an old broken record.

Good morning, Charley.

Hello, Dodie.

Anybody get the paper?

She almost did it.

What'd I tell you?

What are you two talking about?

Uncle Charley called our family.

They broke an old record.

Oh, he did, did he?

Yeah.

I was just telling her about the dull routine around here.

You know, peep and repeat like we used to say.

To prove a point.

Now, Uncle Charley's prediction for 8-17 Monday morning.

Steve Douglas is going to walk in here and
say, Hi, everybody.

And won't have time for anything but coffee.

Right now.

Watch this, Mama.

Well, looks like your crystal ball needs a new transistor.

Hi, everybody.

May.

I grab some breakfast out of the plan?

Uncle Charley's a magician.

A what?

Uncle Charley is not a magician.

It's just that he knows that Daddy does
this almost every day.

Barbara, you just proved my point for me.

Uh, shall I ask what's going on, or is it worth it?

It is Charley's contention.

It is Charley's contention that we are all in a rut.

Oh, I'd like to change that to a canyon.

Uncle Charley, just, uh, what do you base this theory on?

Okay, it's Monday, right?

Now, Robbie always picks you up on Mondays.

Now, Charley's prediction for 8-19.

A horn is gonna honk.

Now, that means that Rob Douglas, who just might be the
world's rut champion, is here to pick up his dad for work.

Well, I admit you timed the honk pretty well,
Charley, but mostly because Rob's always punctual.

Yeah, well, anyway, he's gonna run in here
out of breath and say, Hiya, g*ng,

and then turn to you and say, We only got
about three minutes.

Anything else, Uncle Charley?

Yeah, he'll be tying his tie.

Hi, g*ng.

Dad, we've only got about two minutes.

You did it again, Uncle Charley.

Oh, no, no, no.

Robbie said two minutes.

Okay, so I was 60 seconds away.

From being 100% right.

About what?

Well, Rob, I think Uncle Charley's insinuating that the
Douglases are about the most predictable family on Earth.

Yeah, well, you nailed it right on the head, Steve.

Oh, come on, Uncle Charley.

All right, you want to know what you're going to do next?

Sure.

You're going to throw some coffee in a paper
cup so you can drink it on your way to work.

Well, yeah.

And then you're going to ask
your dad to cash you a check for

lunch, because it's Monday and you haven't got any change.

Well, that's really weird.

I never thought of myself as being predictable.

Charley, you're just fantastic.

Well, we'd better go, Robbie.

Want to grab some coffee?

Yeah, I'll get a paper cup.

Well, no.

Wait a minute.

I don't think I'll give Houdini here the satisfaction.

See you later.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Oh, I, uh, I used your hose.

So I see.

May I help you?

Oh, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm Jim Bell,
and I'm looking for Robbie Douglas.

Oh.

Are you a friend of Robbie's?

Hey, what's going on here, huh?

Oh, Jim Bell.

How are you, Uncle Charley?

Oh, boy, am I glad to see you.

Barbara?

Barbara, this is Jim Bell from Bryant Park.

And this is Barbara, Steve's wife.

Oh, hey, nice to meet you, Barbara.

Well, it's a pleasure, Jim.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Come on in, come on in.

What was it they used to call you around
the old neighborhood?

Ah, come on, call it, Charley.

Oh, yeah, Jim Bell the ding-a-ling.

He was always on the move.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, you'll have to excuse my rough manners,
but I haven't had much use for them lately.

Well, uh, that's all right.

Barbara adds a little more Polish to the
household than we used to have.

Well, now tell me, Jim, what have you been
doing with yourself besides soaking your hair?

Well, you know, I had a cool off, Charley.

I just rode in from Mexico.

Mexico?

Yeah.

What were you doing down there?

Ah, just getting to know the people,
you know, seeing the countryside.

No ruts, no routine?

Just fooling around, enjoying life?

Yep.

Yeah, I guess you could put it that way.

Hey, uh, where's Robbie?

Let's see, uh, right now he's sitting in his rut
down at the plant having lunch with his dad.

Charley, I don't think that Robbie's in a rut.

He has a very good job.

He's a mental stress engineer.

Robbie is an engineer?

Oh, boy, that kills me.

Well?

Oh, no, no, I mean, it's fine.

I think it's great, you know.

But it's very funny, you gotta admit that.

Well, you see, when we were kids, we
were planning to run away with the circus.

Yeah, now Robbie is an engineer,
and I'm still looking for the circus.

Jim, you gotta go down to the plant and surprise him.

Hey, that's a great idea, Uncle Charley.

How do I get there?

Well, maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea.

I mean, after all, it's a work day for Robbie, and...

You mean you don't think I should barge
into Robbie's business world?

I mean, funky, like this?

Well, I don't mean that exactly.

It's just that I...

Well, yes, I do.

All right, I'll call and get you a security pass.

Now, look, I promise I won't do anything
to get Robbie fired.

Promise?

All right.

Well, where's the little engineer hideout?

You mean the little engineer with a wife and triplets?

Robbie.

Oh, come on, you're putting me on.

No, I'm not.

I invest in the stock market, too, once in
a while, but I like to stick with the funds.

I'd rather go for a long-term gain than a
lightning-quick loss.

All right, let's hear it for the Wildcats
and Brian Farquhar.

Let's hear it.

Hey, did you hear what he said?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, that's Jim Bell.

Hey, it is Jim Bell.

Yeah, it's Jim Bell.

Hi, Robert.

Hey, how are you?

Hello, Jim.

How are you?

Good to see you.

Hey, say, hey, you old engineer with a wife and triplets.

It's been a long time.

Yeah.

Hey, you must be a real scratch golfer by now, Mr. Douglas.

Just as bad as I ever was.

I've taken 15,000 lessons.

Hey, meet some of my co-workers.

Ralph, Harry, this is Jim Bell.

He's from my hometown, Bryant Park.

Jim, my pleasure.

Hey, tell us, what have you been doing?

Oh, it's very simple.

I just got me a motorcycle, and I've been
seeing the sights.

What sights?

You know, I just got back from Mexico.

You know, and before that, I went to
Morocco, and before that, Switzerland.

I haven't even been out of central Tarzana since 1957.

Well, Jim, have you had lunch?

Oh, yeah, yeah, thanks.

Hey, I've got to get back to my office.

Will you join me for a while?

Sure, I've got all the time in the world.

See ya.

Hey, see ya.

Nice to see you, Jim.

See ya.

Take care.

Well, I didn't recognize you at first.

Now, that sounds like a kid that's got some kind of a life.

But I guess we can't all be adventurous.

My Three Sons will continue.

c*ck.

Hey, what were you telling me about Brazil?

Hey, Rob, it would knock you out.

I mean, you know, all of them parrots and
the monkeys in the trees.

And there's so much green, you wish you
never saw a city again.

Wow.

You know, it's amazing how our lives took
two different directions.

Yeah.

I can't believe that you've seen all those places.

And I can't believe that you've got your name
on a door and a secretary that calls you Mr.

Douglas.

Yeah, you left out the softening of my skull.

Excuse me, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas, can't you see that you still look like a kid?

What is it, Miss Wright?

There's a Mr. Ernest Heller here to see you.

I told him you were busy, but he said it was urgent.

Oh, yeah, that's about the McGinnity contract.

Tell him I'll be right out.

Yes, sir.

Well, they certainly got you wheeling and
dealing around here, don't they?

Yeah.

You know, it's days like these that make
me think you were right, back in Bryant Park.

Right?

Right about what?

Well, maybe we should have run away with the circus.

I'm very pleased to meet you, Chip.

Yeah, same here, Katie.

Honey, I wish you had told me he was coming.

I'm afraid you're stuck with leftover lasagne.

Don't worry about it, Katie.

I eat anything I can chew.

Well, in that case, you're out of luck.

I make very tough lasagne.

Excuse me, I'll put it in the oven.

Hey, you did all right, Rob.

Yeah, she's quite a girl.

Well, except for the tough lasagne, she's passable.

Yeah, I guess the right girl even makes a
cage look appealing.

Hey, uh, you didn't finish that Egypt story.

We're on this pyramid, and I'm with this
Swedish chick I met in Baghdad.

Oh, this is the pyramid they call, uh, Kyops.

Kyops, right.

Oh, honey, dinner will be ready in about a half an hour.

Yeah, okay, honey, uh, Jim is right in the
middle of a story.

Oh, sorry.

Now, we're on top of this pyramid,
and she looks at me, she says,

um, why don't we float down the Nile on inner tubes?

You're kidding.

Right there.

Hey, honey, he floats down the Nile,
we don't even have a wading pool.

Oh, well, there's a beach not too far away.

Oh, come on, Santa Monica and Egypt just
aren't the same thing.

Now, you know, I get to know this girl
pretty well, floating down the Nile.

But then she starts getting that,
uh, serious edge to her voice,

you know, and she gives me one of those,
just, why don't we, you know, when we get

back to this stage, settle down kind of
looks in her eyes, you know what I mean, Rob?

Yeah.

What'd you do?

Well, I split.

Oh, yeah, I put the bike on a freighter
and I cut to, uh, Australia.

Oh, you're not exactly a homebody, are you, Jim?

Well, I, you know, well, look, it's just my opinion, Katie.

But, you know, I don't think men were
meant to be locked into anything.

You mean, uh, like marriage?

Oh, not necessarily.

I mean, like, um, I mean anything.

I see.

Um, has Jim seen the boys, honey?

Oh, let's not get them up now.

It'd be a hassle getting them back down again,
and, uh, I put in one of those days at the office.

Ask Jim.

Office?

It's more like a pressure cooker, in and out.

Right.

Well, maybe you'd like to see the boys.

Oh, please don't wake them up for me, Katie.

I, uh, I'm terrible.

With kids.

Terrible.

Oh.

Oh, hey, you started to tell me about the Sahara Desert.

What's that like?

Well, it's a large, uh, hot place.

Oh, that reminds me of a story, Rob.

You'll dig this.

I met this Bedouin camel dealer.

You know?

Yeah.

And he's got one of the greatest Ray
Charles collections you've ever seen.

You're kidding.

Right there.

In the middle of the desert?

Excuse me, Jim.

Yeah.

Well, I was wondering, how do you keep
yourself financed on your little jaunts to the Nile and.

...

Afghanistan or wherever you go.

Well, I take a job every now and then,
you know, just for a minute or two.

And then I sponge off of friends like I'm doing right now.

Right.

Well, the little creatures are finally
down for the night, I think.

Good.

Honey, I'd like to talk to you for a minute.

Sure, honey.

I don't know why, but they acted extra rotten today.

Katie, I'm going to take off work for a while.

Are you kidding?

No, no, I asked for a week's leave of
absence and they gave it to me.

Well, that's fantastic.

Where are we going?

Well, we aren't going.

I'm going to the Colorado River.

Oh?

I knew you'd take it that way.

Take it what way?

I just said oh.

Look, Katie, you know I'm working in a pressure cooker.

That sounds like a Jim Bell quote.

Look, I happen to have a brain of my own,
and I think I need to go to the Colorado River.

This has absolutely nothing to do with Jim Bell.

Are you going alone?

No, I'm going with Jim Bell.

I can't pretend to want to turn cartwheels
because you're going away for the week.

Why not?

Why can't you understand that I might need
a little freedom once in a while?

I guess I'm going to miss you.

Oh, come on, Katie.

Oh, look, honey, I don't want to argue with you.

If you think that you need to get away, then go ahead.

Oh, well, now we're going through the martyr number.

I sure feel guilty about this.

Maybe you really don't want to go.

Look, Katie, level with me.

Do you want me to go or not?

Not.

I thought I knew you, but I guess I don't.

Do you think for one minute if you wanted to float
down the Colorado River in an inner tube that I'd stop you?

If I wanted to float down the Colorado River in an
inner tube, you'd have someone drop a net over me.

Oh, Rob, I...

Go and have fun with your playmate.

Frolic in the Colorado River to your
heart's content, but don't expect me to like it.

Rob?

Yes, honey?

I'll be here when you get back.

You're sure?

Positive.

I know you'll come home when it's right to come home.

Because you want to.

Not because you have to.

You're going to sleep on the ground?

That didn't sound too comfortable.

Well, I don't think comfort's the idea, honey.

Oh, Rob, did you take care of that McGinney deal?

I left it with Mr. Anderson.

He's going to send it on to Buffalo.

Oh, fine.

Hey, you know, if you had a sidecar, I'd go along with you.

Well, you'd be welcome, Uncle Charley.

Well, thanks.

I guess we're all set.

Well, thanks, Mr. Douglas, for letting me
sleep on your couch.

You too, Bubba.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Have a safe trip.

Well, thanks a lot for understanding, you guys.

Barb, goodbye.

Goodbye, love.

Have fun.

All right.

And don't worry about it.

We'll watch after Katie and the boys.

Okay.

Thanks, Dad.

Honey, don't say anything.

I understand.

Really, I do.

I know.

Goodbye, babe.

Bye.

Yeah, I'll fall down.

All right, you guys.

I'm counting on you.

You got a job.

I got a job to do.

I want you to take care of Mama while I'm gone, okay?

Thank you.

Charley, you too.

Make sure Mama gets plenty of rest.

Hey, want to see a motorcycle?

Sorry, Dad.

A motorcycle?

Let's go.

Want to see one?

Come on.

Let's go.

Come on.

Let's go by the gate.

No.

Come on.

That's a boy.

Right there.

Right there.

Right there.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Dodie, help me set some food up in the kitchen.

I thought we already had breakfast.

Yeah, but when a fella's eating,
he ain't got time to think about problems.

Dad?

Yeah, Katie?

How long does it take to get to the Colorado River?

Well, let's see.

They said they were going to Blythe.

That should take them around four hours, I'd say.

Well, of course, a motorcycle is different.

It's faster.

That's right.

Of course, they might not go into Blythe at all.

They just might head on upriver.

Upriver.

Sounds so romantic.

I can see how a man would be attracted to
the quiet and the canyon walls and the rapids.

Dad?

Are the rapids very dangerous?

Well, Katie, I'm sure they're both sensible enough
not to try the rapids in inner tubes or anything like that.

You know something?

I never really thought he'd go.

Well, Katie, Jim Bell stirred up all the
old childhood adventures.

I guess Robbie, he feels he's Huckleberry
Finn all over again.

Hey, what's that?

What's what?

Sounds like they're back again.

They probably forgot something.

Look who's back.

What happened?

Jim dropped me off, and he's on his way to Colorado.

Oh.

You know, this just may be the smartest woman in the world.

I'll accept that, but how come?

Well, first of all, you let me go.

Then you lined yourself up in front of the
house with the boys.

And you waved goodbye.

And the boys didn't wave goodbye.

You know what kind of a picture I got from that bike?

How about that?

I'm smarter than I thought.

Hey, you guys.

Daddy's home.

Hey.

How are you?

Hey, good to see you.

Are you glad your daddy's home?

He's not going to leave us.

All three of you.

I got you.

I'm back again.

I didn't even go.

Come on.

You want to get up?

You want to get up?