01x02 - Who's in Our g*ng?

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult themes

Are you dealing cocaine on a
Wednesday lunchtime, Emily Dawkins?

No.

Why would you think that?

Not again!

That's cocaine.

Correct.

OK, I'm in.

I spend 42% of my spare time playing
drug dealer simulations.

I shot Pablo Escobar last night.

The painter?

And I'm currently treasurer for the
official The Bill fan club.

Frankly, you need me.

We should sell
synthetic cannabinoid.

No, we don't touch that shite.

The profit margin with spice
is far higher

and less risky than cocaine.

gross.

Nothing disgusting about money.

You two, give us a minute.

I will return in 58 seconds.

I've been a drug dealer

for literally 90 seconds,

and my cover's already blown.

Shall we call it quits?

Can I be real with you?

I'm really f*cking done with crime.

It's just,
I've come into some packet.

A lotta packet.

How much...

..stuff do you have?

Do you mean cocaine?

Yes.

Just say cocaine, then.

Street value? 500 grand.

Enough to make me
a f*cking millionaire.

What are we going to do about...?

She's annoying, I'll admit that.

But maybe she's useful?

One more body pounding the streets
would speed things up,

get me out by Crimbo.

Take Mam to Marbella
for turkey on t'beach.

I've returned after one minute.

You're in. Congratulations.

Welcome to the inner rectum.

Sanctum. Sanctum.

DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY

Please be a surprise McDonald's.

Open up or I'll kick
this f*cking door in.

I can see you standing there.

Unless you have a very tall dog.

Who wears human clothes.

And has cerebral Paisley.

Open up. Come on, mate,
this white won't sell itself.

And you'll never guess what Minibus
Masir's lent me. Is it...?

It's his minibus!
Drugs are good for you.

They're not.

They are.

Speed bump!

You'd think they'd want people
to slow down for them things.

Listen, I'm telling you,
drugs are good for you.

Name me one person
who's ever died from drugs.

Michael Jackson?

All right, Wikipaedo.

Listen, if drugs were that bad,

would your man on t'telly really be
doin' 'em all the time?

What man on telly?

The...the...the...
the man in the clothes.

It's like, erm,
it's like a suit.

The...the man,
the man in the suit thing.

Mr Blobby?

Nah. It's more, erm...

It's more grey.

Michael Gove?

Big f*ck.

Beardy man. Hobbits.

Gandalf?

That's the fella.

He's a fictional character.

No, he ain't.

I were drinking with him
in the pub last night.

Yeah.

DICE RATTLE

EMILY CHUCKLES

Right, f*ck off and sell coke now.

Lumpy.

You funnel the dirty money
into a cash business.

OK, so you keep two sets of...

DOOR CLATTERS

Have you ever considered expansion?

Into like human trafficking?

Organ harvesting,
all that fun stuff?

What? No.

What?!

No, I meant dealing beyond
the Braybrooke?

All of this, from that blue thing...

The sea.

..to here, that's
some other f*ck's turf, man.

The Braybrooke estate is here,
Ewen Sheridan.

Oh.

What if we set up a legit business

to clean the money?

That speed bump over there
is broken.

Right, I went fast
like you're meant to,

and the b*stard did me face in.

I think you misunderstood
speed bumps.

Listen, this business shite,

you stick to being
a disabled drugs donkey

and I'll focus on being
the criminal mastermind. Yeah?

Ow.

We should use the charity.

It'll be a cover for the cash.

When we "inspect" a venue's toilet,

we could, instead,

be dropping a "special delivery".

Are you talkin' about doing...

..poos?

No. Oh.

I'm talking about cocaine.

Oh, right. Good, yeah.

That's way less weird.

Then any donations we get,

we feed through the charity.

If we do this, right,
me one condish...

I'm redesigning the logo.

Cos this here, right?
This is f*cking shite.

This looks like it were drawn
by a little blind girl.

That's because

it was.

You what? Her name is Jane Wu

and she prefers "Visually Impaired
Person with Restricted Growth".

Which reminds me, have you
considered Human Resources?

Yes. I never thought
I'd say this sentence,

but let's recruit
a criminal drugs g*ng.

Wait, I didn't agree
to bringing more random f*ck in.

Don't you want to get rid of

the cocaine as quick as possible?

Got it. Have you met my mate...?

Do not say Minibus Masir.

Ewen!

I hit pissy tile.

Yes, Big!

It's a tile that everyone tries
to aim their piss at.

I hit it!

Oh, what about Terry the Rodent?

He went down
for topping an informant.

He's the rat who eats rats.

A rodent.

I think rodents are the genre
of animal, not the...

Ooh, Gandalf! Look! There is he now!

You all right, Gandalf, mate?
How's it going?

Seriously,
he f*cking loves his powder.

Are you sure that guy is on telly?

And Lee Smith.

He's fresh out the pen
after a six for m*rder.

Or were it r*pe?

I'm pretty sure it weren't r*pe.

Er, Lee, Lee, Lee, mate?

Were it r*pe?

How do you know these boys?

Off a course. Cognitive...

..self-change.

This lot need to be discreet.

People the police don't know about.

Disabled people.

More of your lot? Right,

definitely having Minibus Masir,
then.

Mate! Can I bring the minibus?

Good idea, a "Disability Bus".

It's a perfect way
to get around unseen.

Who else did you have in mind
for this Organised Crime Group?

How would you feel
about joining a g*ng?

Can I make a documentary about it?

No.

What skills does HE have?

He's pretty good

at modern dance.

Oh, yeah, right.

Where would the Krays have been
without their backing dancers, hmm?

Distraction. That's it.

Harry will keep up
Wee CU's social media presence.

We're going to need more muscle too.

No offence, Mas. None taken.

I'm a kitten. Meow.

I know the guy.

Watch out. Fly.

I didn't get it.

The slightly hairier version of that
f*ck' muppet who lives in a bin?

He terrifies everyone.

Men, women, children,
pigeons, me.

He's in.

OK, right. My turn.
I reckon we need one more.

I reckon we need, erm,
a proper computer expert.

Wait. Isn't that MY job?

Click on "start application".

Who?

"Start application."

Agh!
You've closed the application page.

I will f*cking slap you,
you robot b*stard.

Gimme my application back!

Your mum?

She's been a bit down lately,
bless her.

Her disability thingy's been
downgraded cos MS is invisible.

Like some ghosts.

What does a 70-year-old woman

know about selling drugs?

I run youth club tuck shop
in me spare time.

I do sweets mostly,
and a bit of weed.

Don't cack yerself.
Keeps it cheap and weak.

It's like I like me men.

OK. Erm, Harry,

are you sure you're not making

a documentary about gangsters?

Don't look at me.
Don't look at me! It's a fiction.

Not a doco. Hey, film me...

No.

So. This is...

Brown Hawk.

We should have discreet code names.
I'm Brown Hawk.

Sounds like a turd.

I'll be Shirley.

As in "Shirley he can't down
ten pints in five minutes".

I can, I have, and I will.

If you're Shirley, can I be Bassey?
I'm Minibus Masir.

SHE SNORES
I refuse to take a code name.

And, erm, I'll be

Judy Finnigan.

How about you start
with a rousing speech?

f*ck off.

Right, so we're gonna use
the charity as cover

to sell loads of...

YELLS: ..cocaine!

SNORING

Oh, oh, right.

What's going on, d*ck-end?

We're starting another drugs g*ng,
mam.

Come on.

Hey, love the tan, Sean.

I think that yellow sheen's
probably liver failure.

I'm livin' the dream.
Shame it's not mine.

OK, g*ng, social media content time.

Twist, swing, baby drip.

Twist.

Is it all going to be like this?

"I am a disabled toilet."

"Venue."

My logo will be way better
than this confusing shite.

Well, we have to re-do them anyway.
The terminology's out of date.

How many did you print?



Thousand. What?

Do you have any examples
of your work, Ewen Sheridan?

Yeah, I do, man.

Mona gettin' really f*ck' Lisa'd.

No. Leonardo da Vinci painted that.

I'm pretty sure Leo didn't draw

the massive zoot.

Oh! We could get that printed
on stickers

with a QR code,

drum up more business.

Yeah, yeah, I f*cking love stickers!

Oh, but...but Mona could be snorting
a line

off of Vincent Van d*ke's
arsehole or summat.

Yeah, well,
we could certainly use the image,

given it's in the public domain.

Is that what you're worried about -

copyright lawyers?

You b*stards should be worrying
about Lennie.

Henry? Why?

He's the big b*stard around here.

Once, he ate a chunk
of a rival dealer's brain.

I heard Lennie took someone's eyes
out and boiled them.

And then he spat them both
back into his head.

Yeah, didn't he nail an entire
family to the front of a Wilko's,

including the dog?

Lenny Henry did all of that? Why?

PHONE BUZZES

Sh, sh.

Oh, my God, have you been kidnapped?

Baby drip.

What? No. I'm at a silent, nude,
tech-free yoga Ayahuasca retreat

in Cheshire. I got your email.

Why have you hired four people?

Seven people.

Me, Hope and Harry
will now be taking a wage.

Emily, I'm concerned.

Do we need to talk
about your mental health?

No. Don't worry.

We've had a big donation.

Check the account.

Wow! Five grand! Great work!

Anyway, I'd better go.

Erm, enjoy your, erm,

nakedness. Bye.

MUSIC PLAYS
And action.

One, two, three.

The cocaine's in shot.

THEY SIGH, MUSIC STOPS

From the top, then?

What? Not here, man.

I can smell bacon.

Got a special delivery.

And I'm still boss, right.

Of course, Brown Hawk.

I'm never gonna be able
to call you that

without thinking about sh*t.

Ooh, beanbag. I love beanbag.

I love this place, man.
It's got it all.

Moon Man, dead people stuff,

and all these books just waiting
to be read.

But not by me,
by some other boring c**t.

Right. Two... Ah, for f*ck's sake.

THEY BOTH GRUNT

I'm off to draw a new logo.

Oh, my God! Are you OK?
CHILD LAUGHS

I'm fine,

just...swallowed tongue.

Ewen?

It's Leo.

Oh, f*ck.

I didn't know yous was still
around here.

I'm still in the GI with Pops
and Harry.

Dwayne, say hi to Ewen.

He was my...

In school, we were...

Well, yeah.

Ewen, this is Dwayne.

You all right, fella?

What's in it? What's in what?

What's in your hand? A fiver?
No. I were going for a fist bump.

Gimme a fiver, bum-head,
or my dad's gonna k*ll you.

Don't say that. It's naughty.

KICKING
Ah! Ow!

And stop doing that.

It's all right.
Is Ben out, then, yeah?

Nah, but I take this one
to see him every week.

Pack it in! Look, Dwayne,

there's a bin.

Gerrit, Dwayne. Gerrit!

Aww.

I reckon he should know
who his old man is, you know?

Yeah. Well, send him my love.

Er, not love.

Just say, erm, "All right, Ben?"

Actually, maybe don't say that.

Erm, don't even mention seeing me.

Not to Ben.

Yeah, I were never here, man.

Hey...

LEO GIGGLES

New coke on the Braybrooke, eh?
Why here? Why now?

There you go, guv.

I need a shot of that.

Boss, your torch is on.

If you swipe up, there's a menu.

It should have a little torch symbol
on it.

f*ck.

Excuse me!

Stop. Stop right there.

Oh, God, the bag.

Bloody speed bumps.

So are you two still, erm...?

Still...?

Still having, erm...

..f*ck? f*cking?

Me and Ben are done. Right.

I only see good guys now.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

How's that working out for you?

I haven't had sex in two years.

Well, that's fantastic.
You think so, do you?

Yeah, I do, man, yeah.
Look, Leo, can I be real with you?

You're the most beautiful thing
in this town.

You always was and...

..you always will be.

What, I'm more beautiful
than the shrine?

Well, apart from that, obviously.

You're nowhere near as fit as
the shrine for a random dead boy.

Yeah, dead Stevie.

You really need to be careful with
these dry terrain tyres, you know.

They might claim to be
the toughest on the market

but they suffer terrible wear.

Oh, 'ere you are, what's this?

Erm, a backpack.

No, I meant, what model?

My daughter's right into this
patterny sort of thing.

This zip is nice and smooth,
isn't it?

Eh, does it ever get snagged?

I'll just...

Erm, I really ought to get off.

Where you off to? Anywhere nice?

It's none of my bloody business,
actually, is it?

Well, safe travels.

Oh, your torch is on.

Bye!

TRICKLING
"Having f*ck?"

Why are you so thick, man?

Piss, pissy tile!

Pissy tile!

Do you think Brown Hawk's OK
in there?

Who? Ewen Sheridan has decided
we should have code names.

Can mine be Shirley?

I've always thought
it sounded so glamorous.

Shirley's taken.

I think I just chatted pretty bags

with a lovely police officer.

Why the f*ck would you do that?

Keep your friends close.

Stab your enemies?

Is that the new logo?

I'm still colouring it in.

Is that me?

Yeah.

Why do I have claws?

Why's that toilet on fire?

Fire's cool, man.

So, do you like it?

Ewen, this is

a hate crime.

But do you like it?