06x15 - Charley the Pigeon

[bunniefuu]

Here's Dad's glove.

Oh, thanks, Ernie.

You getting all dressed up for one of
those clunky teenage parties?

Chip, you haven't lived until you've
survived a teenage party.

Here's Uncle Charley's tie clasp.

Oh, yeah, the Jade one, thanks.

But you better not lose it,
because if you do, Uncle Charley

says he'll make you go to Hong Kong to get him another one.

There.

Now, how do I look?

Just like always.

Only it took you longer.

Well, I'll see you guys later, huh?

Hey, Robbie, if you lose Uncle Charley's
tie clasp, can I go to Hong Kong with you?

Hey, you could use some of this too, tr*mp.

Thanks for the loan of the tie clasp, Uncle Charley.

That's okay, and get home before dawn.

Well, I'll try, but you know these teenage parties.

The last teenage party I went to, it was for
Teddy Roosevelt capturing San Juan Hill.

Boy, I guess parties have really changed since then.

What you call a party, we used to call a riot.

Well, there's still a lot of talking,
some sandwiches, and dancing.

What you call dancing, we used to call, uh, and
tell that girlfriend of yours to use washable lipstick.

Those shirts are m*rder.

Okay, you're not Uncle Charley.

Ah, kids nowadays, they're as bad as we were.

And how would you like your age this morning?

Sonny sat up.

Me too.

You're soft-boiled.

Will you use three and a half minutes?

They're scrambled.

Good morning.

Good morning.

And how would you like your age?

Scrambled.

You must have looked.

Well, how was the party last night?

Oh, it really swung, Dad.

Could you please pass the toast?

Hunter, can I ask him?

I was thinking, maybe you ought to ask him.

It was your idea.

Something on your mind, fellas?

Dad, me and Ernie got to talking last night.

And he thought since I was a teenager now, well,
that I ought to, well... Chip ought to have a teenage party.

You a teenager?

You got to be kidding.

Well, I'm 13.

That's right, Rob.

What kind of a party, Chip?

Don't waste time asking questions, Steve.

Just tell them no.

Well, I'd like to invite some of the other
teenage kids over.

It's Mardi Gras here all the time.

They don't need an invitation.

How many boys do you want to invite, Chip?

Well, about six.

What do you think, Charley?

Yeah, if he wants to have six little
fellas over, it's okay with me.

Dad?

Yeah, Chip?

Well, this isn't going to be just another kid
party with a bunch of boys goofing around.

He means teenagers coming couples.

You mean girls?

I can't see it myself, but that's what he means.

Steve, you may have wrote me into six
kids, but you're not going to hang me with 12.

Well, girls don't make a mess.

They're neat.

That's why they're called girls.

And I'll do all the fixing and clean that
myself, Uncle Charley.

And I'll help.

After all, the party was my idea in the first place.

That figures.

When do you want to have this party, Chip?

Well, I was thinking about a week from tonight, Saturday.

Well, that sounds all right.

What do you think, Charley?

What does it matter what I think?

Tom, we can have a party.

Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, Uncle Charley.

Boy, I got a million things to do.

I got to figure out the stuff to buy and the kids to buy.

Hey, wait for me.

You know, it's kind of hard to get used to
the idea that Chip is a teenager now.

Yeah, and when he was a kid, he used to
finish his breakfast.

Two of them.

Boy, I'm sure glad you're only sending invitations
to the boys, because I'm practically licked out.

Yeah, I figure it's easier for each boy to think
of one girl to ask than for me to think of all six.

That's everybody.

Yeah, as he even saved you a five-cent stamp.

You don't have to mail me an invitation.

Ernie, I wasn't going to mail you an invitation.

I know.

You don't even have to give me one.

What I mean is I didn't think you were coming.

Well, I didn't expect to be a couple, but I'll be there.

Ernie, what I really mean is I don't get
angry or anything, but you're not invited.

You actually don't want me at your party?

Not even me alone?

Ernie, you're not a teenager.

You're just a kid.

But I'm part of the family.

Of course you are.

But look at it this way.

I didn't invite tr*mp or Robbie either.

Besides, you won't know half the kids.

You won't even enjoy it.

The whole point is, this party's for older guys.

No balloons, no pin in the tail on the donkey.

I still enjoy it.

I thought a smart kid like you'd understand.

But the whole party thing was my idea.

Ernie, I'll save you some potato chips.

Boy, it's Brutus and Caesar all over again.

You just asked me to do something else for you again.

Okay, would you run down to the mailbox
and mail these invitations for me?

All right, I'll go, but I won't run, I'll walk.

Hi, Chip.

Hi.

Coming in?

Well, I've got to ask you something first.

Is it about math homework?

No.

Did you get all the problems?

I think so.

Me too, but my dad helped me.

I'm on my own.

My parents are ignoring the new math.

I was going to ask you something.

Hurry up, the bell's going to ring.

Would you go to a teenage party with me?

Who's having a party?

Me.

That's how come I can invite you.

Well, the other guys get their invitation,
and they might invite you first.

A boy-girl party?

Uh-huh.

Chip, that's wonderful.

I'm so tired of those kid-stuffed birthday
parties and those silly girls' pajama parties.

Same here.

You know what I mean.

Real grown-up stuff.

Saturday night.

I'll be there.

And my father doesn't have to drive me either.

I can get there by myself on my bike.

Ernie, what are you doing up here in the dark?

Why aren't you down watching TV with the
rest of the Douglases?

Chip probably wouldn't want me there either.

Oh, now you know that isn't true.

Well, he didn't invite me to his party and
it was my idea and everything.

Well, Ernie, the party is for Chip's friends
and they're all older than you are and.

...

I'm his friend and his brother too.

Ernie, I know you and Chip's friends.

We've spent a lot of time together and
have a lot of fun together, but,

uh, well, there are just times when you
have to do things separately.

I guess this is difficult for you to
understand right now, but, uh...

I understand, Dad, but why can't the
separate stuff start after the party?

Don't let it bother you too much, Ernie.

One of these days you can have a party of your own.

Yeah, why can't Chip make me a special guest or
something, even though he is from an older generation?

Well, come on downstairs with the rest of us, huh?

Thirty-nine.

Forty.

Hi, Rob.

Forty-one.

Hi, Doc.

Where is everybody?

Besides you, I mean.

Well, Uncle Charley's in the galley.

Ernie's doing his homework and Chip's figuring out how
much you owe him for what he already spent on the party.

Huh.

I hope he isn't padding his expense account.

Steve, you missed the first phone calls.

What phone calls, John?

Nervous mothers, checking up on Saturday's inaugural ball.

What's there to check up on?

Their daughters.

Oh, what do you mean?

Hello.

Yes, this is Mr. Douglas.

How are you, Mrs. Stanton?

That's right, he's giving a party next Saturday night.

Well, actually, it is a teenage party.

He's, uh...

Mrs. Stanton, you don't... You
don't have to worry about Mary Bell.

I'll be here in the house all evening, and, uh,
the boys, Uncle Charley, will be here, and, uh...

What... What do you expect to happen?

Oh, really?

Is that so?

Uh, Mrs. Stanton, I assure you,
the, uh, party will be well chaperoned.

You can take my word for it.

Uh, thank you for calling.

Goodbye.

Oh, trouble, Dad?

I thought this was going to be a simple children's party.

A word seems to have gotten around.

That it's going to be a Roman Bacchanal or
a Babylonian orgy.

Hello.

Yes, this is Mr. Douglas.

Yes, Mrs. Kirkland.

That's right.

It's next Saturday night.

Well, Dave, we've worked in primitive
mountainous areas before.

I think we ought to be able to handle this.

Remember that sprit we built in Paraguay two years ago?

Yeah.

Well, you'll have to fly in with a chopper
first and make a survey.

Yeah.

Bulldozer roll in later.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Well, Helen, I'm busy in here with Mrs. Welch right now.

Mrs. Hargrove?

I don't know any Mrs. Hargrove.

Oh, she did, huh?

Okay, send her in, Helen.

Just let her know that I'm busy and only
have a few minutes.

Huh?

Dave, I'm sorry.

There's a Mrs. Hargrove who says she
absolutely must see me immediately.

What's her problem?

I, uh, I have a hunch.

Oh, uh, come in.

What?

Please.

Mr. Douglas, I am Paula Hargrove.

How do you do, Mrs. Hargrove?

This is Mr. Welch.

Yeah, how do you do?

Won't you sit down?

No, thank you.

Mr. Douglas, my daughter, Frida, is a baby.

She's only 13 years old, and we've tried
to protect her all of her life.

Is she a friend of Chip's?

Yes, and he is evidently much too mature for his age.

I wouldn't dream of letting Frida attend
his teenage party, but she starts to cry

and tells us that all the other girls in
the group are going.

Well, Mrs. Hargrove, this is just a
children's party, and I really wouldn't

say that Chip is particularly mature for his age.

A children's party?

Mr. Douglas, they're teenagers.

We hoped to shelter Frida for at least two more
years, and now your son has forced a decision on us.

Either we remove Frida from her group and
risk her resentment from now on,

or we let her go to this...

this party.

But I'll be there to chaperone.

Mr. Douglas, the people next door gave a
teenage party, and when the police came,

first they had to untie the chaperone.

Yes, I see.

Uh, Mrs. Hargrove, I assure you that... Very well.

Whatever happens is your fault.

Goodbye, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Welch.

Goodbye, Mrs. Hargrove.

Well, that makes five mothers.

We're worried about their little daughters.

Well, I don't blame them.

Oh, come on, Dave.

All I can say, Steve, is after a teenage
party, handling a job like this will be a breeze.

Dave, these are just little kids.

Sure, individually, yes.

As a group, they become a hostile mob.

Hello.

Well, at least it's not a mother.

I put him on, huh?

Hello, Chip.

Dad, does Kathy still have to come to the party just
because I invited her and her mother said she could come?

Well, certainly.

You're obligated.

Chip, are you sure you still want to give this party?

Of course.

Even if I don't like her anymore?

Well, does Kathy still want to come to the party?

Yeah.

Dad, do I have to dance with her?

Of course you have to dance with her.

And because you're a gentleman and the
host, you'll be particularly nice to her.

But, Dad, I like two other girls now.

And if I wasn't stuck with Kathy, I'd
have to quick choose between the others.

Chip, you know the answer, don't you?

Yeah, I was afraid of that.

Bye, Dad.

Goodbye, Chip.

Well, that was Chip.

And a teenager or no teenager, he's still a little boy.

Sure he is.

They all are.

And I want you in shape for this job.

Now, you notify the police and tell them to get ready.

Chip, I know a way you can get out of taking Kathy.

Yeah?

How?

Let me take her.

Nice try, but forget it.

Mmm, good.

Tell you what, as long as I'm baking,
there'd be no extra trouble for me to

scare up a few more batches for your party.

No thanks, Uncle Charley.

I said I wouldn't have you do anything, and I meant it.

My older guy friends don't eat much at parties.

There'll be enough food.

Thanks again.

Nah, who needs a junky bunch of teenagers?

Look, Ernie, I wasn't invited to his party either.

And you don't hear me complaining.

That's because you're too old for parties.

Look at me, rejected in the prime of life.

Why didn't you get balloons?

I told you, balloons are for kid parties.

Us couples dance and goof off and stuff like that.

Oh, I forgot.

Hey, it looks great.

You've done a lot since I left.

I'm just about set.

Well, it's almost 8 O'clock, Chip.

You'd better get cleaned up so we can
greet your guests again.

Okay, after you greet them, then you can cut out.

Well, you don't mind if I stick my nose in a couple
of times, you know, just to see how things are going?

Okay, just don't let the guys see it.

They're not kids, you know.

You get the extra milk?

Six quarts.

I'll put it in the refrigerator.

Hey, if you're going to be ready by eight
bells, you better get a move on.

I was just going up right now.

I guess I better get ready, too.

What for?

The party isn't over till the last potato chip is gone.

Till then, I got a chance.

Chip ever wanted to do this whole thing
himself, huh, Charlie?

You know, I thought this was just going to
be a simple kid's party.

But I've had so many warnings,
I'm beginning to get a little nervous.

You look all right.

Inside.

Here's Uncle Charlie's tie clasp.

And don't lose it.

I know Hong Kong.

Chip, here's Dad's aftershave lotion.

You shaved?

No, but I want to smell like I did.

If you finish using the mirror, I'll take it back now.

Well, how do I look?

Okay.

I mean, if you were a girl, how would I look?

Yuck.

It started.

Girls.

I thought you older guys didn't get scared.

Well, things seem to be getting off to a good start.

That's what General Custer said just before the attack.

Ernie, stop walking through the party looking sad.

Chip is not going to invite you.

The party's not over yet.

I've been watching from the dining room.

The food's all gone.

What do we do?

Oh, no.

They've only been here 20 minutes.

I thought you said your friends didn't eat much.

How is a kid supposed to know this is his first party?

I guess all that dancing worked up your
appetites, huh, Chip?

You dance with Kathy yet?

No, I didn't get a chance.

Please, Uncle Charlie, what about the food?

Uncle Charlie, we can't very well let a
Douglas lose face as a host, can we?

I know I'd have to get in the act.

Well, the O'Casey catering service is open for business.

Sandwiches will be served before anybody
faints for a moment.

Thanks, Uncle Charlie.

You're a real good guy.

Okay, start the assembly line.

What are you doing in here?

I volunteered to bring in the sandwiches.

Yeah, well, volunteer out again.

First thing you know, you'll be at the party.

I'm going, I'm going.

Dance with Kathy yet?

No, I didn't.

Some teenager.

Ow!

Hey, Chip.

We need to talk.

Steve.

Yeah, I guess maybe now is the time for
all good men to come to the aid of the party.

What's the matter, Steve?

Can't you face it alone?

No, everything's all right.

They were just using the mop to dance with.

Aren't there enough girls to go around?

Well, they weren't exactly dancing with it.

They were sort of dancing under it.

Oh, they must be doing the limbo.

Yeah.

What's the limbo?

Don't you know how to dance the limbo?

I haven't caught up with the Big Apple yet.

What's the Big Apple?

How about a couple of games at Casino?

Okay.

Robbie, why don't you move over there and
Charlie can sit there.

You can give it, sir.

Come on.

How do you like that?

That 10-year-old trying to tell me how to play
Casino, and I've been playing it for 50 years.

That was a big 10.

And I've been losing for 50 years.

Charley, did you notice anything peculiar?

Yeah, I shouldn't have played that six.

No, no, I mean the noise isn't quite as loud.

Yeah.

The music's still on.

No, no, but that's the only sound.

What'd you put the lights on for, Dad?

Well, uh, why did you turn them off, Chip?

Well, we heard that's what they do at teenage parties.

Oh, you did?

Well, I don't think they do at all teenage parties.

We can't figure out why you're supposed to turn them off.

You better leave mine so you can find your way around.

Well, uh, have fun.

Boy, some teenager.

Aren't we gonna have some more music, Chip?

The dumb thing won't start.

It must be broken.

If all those nervous Nellies who called you
up could just see these nice kids, you're a deal.

Hey, Dad.

Dad, half those kids are scattered all over
the front lawn, running and jumping and yelling.

You better do something.

Well, General Preston, this is where the Indians come in.

Chip, what are they all doing outside?

The record player broke down.

Oh.

Well, you could turn on the radio.

No, Rob, we have to dance to our music.

Well, Chip, how about charades?

You can't dance to charades.

Think they'd like to play a 12-handed game?

A casino?

Hey, Dad, the whole party's wrecking up
just because of this dumb record player.

Well, now, Chip, it can't be that bad.

Well, some of the kids want to leave already.

They say it's a creepy party.

First party, a wrecked-up creepy party.

Hey, Chip, I know a way we can get the
kids back in and own the record party.

You do?

Yeah.

Kids.

Have never had live music at a party before.

Greg's going to ask his dad if he could
hire you to play at his party.

Oh, yeah.

Next week for junior prom.

All right, men.

Once again from the top.

A one and a two.

Oh, you're in bed already, huh?

Yeah.

Chipper, did you have a good time tonight?

I must have.

I'm sure tired.

By the way, did you dance with Kathy?

No.

I thought we ought to talk about that, Chip.

Well, I wanted to dance with her.

Some other guy was always there ahead of me.

I rode home with her on our bikes.

We're going steady.

She's a very pretty girl, Chipper.

How's that?

Turn the light on?

Yes, please.

Good night, fellas.

Good night, Dad.

Ernie, I'm sorry I didn't invite you.

I guess you wouldn't have actually ruined the party.

It's okay, Chip.

You wanted to be with teenage guys your own age.

I'm glad you understand.

Thanks for coming up with the idea that saved the party.

Dad says one of these days I can have a party, too.

With girls?

Of course not.

We're going to have fun.

We'll blow up balloons and play pin the
tail on the donkey and musical chairs.

Yeah, kid stuff.

Ernie, you don't have to invite me to your party.

I know I don't have to, Chip.

But I'm going to.

Night, Chip.

Night, Ernie.

Night, Ernie.