06x01 - The First Marriage

[bunniefuu]

I don't.

Have to call you Mr. Douglas anymore, Dad.

And this is the first time in my life I've
ever used the word daughter.

Hey, that's right.

Well, I look at it like this.

I may be losing a brother, but I'm gaining a room.

Honey, I just want to go thank you.

Okay.

Oh, Dad.

I just wanted to say thanks, Dad, for everything.

Well, Mike, there's nothing to thank me for.

The bride's parents saw us pay for the wedding.

All I did was stand around and nod.

No, Dad, I mean for everything,
for putting up with me, especially in the

last few years with the guitar lessons and
hot rod cars, everything.

It all comes back double, Mike.

Who'd have thought my number one son would turn
out to be an assistant psychology instructor back east?

I'm proud of you, Mike, for a lot of things.

Sally, I want a shot of Mike taking you to the car.

Come on, Mike.

Come on, Muriel.

Come on, now, big smile.

Big smile.

Come on, come on.

Everybody follow.

Come on.

Hey, I think we're supposed to take the
rice out of the bags.

I want them to feel it when I hit them.

Here they come.

I've got some great pictures I did.

Oh, good.

Come on.

Come on, Jeff.

I've got more.

Well,

that's one less kid I'll have to clean up after.

Yeah, I suppose you could look at it that way.

Come on, Ernie.

Let's go get something to eat.

How can you fellas eat again?

You just had four pieces of wedding cake apiece.

Well, Charley, it was a nice wedding, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Pretty soon now, Chip and Robbie will be
uncles, and I'll be a great-great-uncle.

And we'll be calling you Grandpa.

Oh, Grandpa.

Yeah, that's what they call a guy when his kids have kids.

No, you don't.

Unless you want to go high class and have
them call you Grandfather.

Grandpa.

You lose your nose or something?

No, no, I was just, uh, what were you saying, Charley?

I was saying this little Ernie is a bad influence on Chip.

He got him giggling in church practically
right on top of the I do's.

Well, I guess giggling in church has been
going on for a long time, Charley.

And it probably wasn't Ernie's fault
anymore, it was Chip's.

It's one of those things where you get
started and you can't stop.

I know, but just the same.

Yeah?

Yeah, Chip.

Is it okay if Ernie stays here a couple of days?

Well, yes, I guess so.

How come you're asking?

He usually walks right in and picks out a bed.

Well, he can't anymore.

A bunch of junk's going on at his house.

What do you mean, a bunch of junk's going on at his house?

What kind of junk?

Important junk.

Oh, now we know.

Hey, Jasper, if you want to dust the floor, go get a mop.

Not your best suit.

Oh, I'm telling you, these kids now, they...

What are you looking at in that mirror?

An aging man, Charlie.

An aging, aging man.

Hey, Ernie.

Hi.

I'm still stuck here because there's a
sign of papers and junk in the house.

How come?

It's a thing that's going on.

Ernie, come here.

I've got to go.

Come on in.

There's some cake in the thing.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Miss Coulter.

Hello, dear.

Hello, Ernest.

Now, I have something to discuss with you.

You know Mr. Thompson's firm has
transferred him to the Orient, don't you?

Yes, ma'am.

And I know I can't go along, because the county
doesn't allow foster kids out of the county or something.

And that's why we can't take you with us, dear.

But Miss Coulter's going to find you some
nice new foster parents.

Where will I live this time?

We'll find you a wonderful family.

Around here?

Well, we'll try.

Will you write to me in junk?

Oh, Ernie.

Excuse me, Mom.

Hey, boy.

Yeah.

Hello, uh, Googie?

How are you, Googie?

This is Steve.

Uh, Steve Douglas.

Oh, you...

Well, I'm fine.

Yeah, I guess it is kind of a surprise.

I haven't called you in some time.

Has it been 20 years?

What happened?

Oh, you were getting ready to bathe your what?

Your grandchildren?

And they just ran out the front door
without the clothes on.

Well, sure, sure, sure, I understand.

I can call you back some other time.

Yes, of course I understand.

Goodbye.

Twenty years?

You don't have to look so rotten.

I only had them for a little while.

You got other parents?

Sure.

People get paid for taking care of kids like me.

And they're always real nice.

Who pays them?

A thing called the county.

They try to give us kids without folks to
people instead of putting us in a big building.

I saw the building.

It's pretty neat.

You think that lady will find out?

And the other frosted parents around here?

So you get to go to the same school?

Foster, not frosted.

Anyway, how do you know there's somebody
around here that'll let you live with them?

I've been thinking.

There isn't.

The only people that like kids are those
two old ladies clear over on Lester Street.

And if I lived over there, I'd have to go to Susan B.

Dorsey School.

And I'd rather get shot in my stomach than
go to a creepy school like that.

Yeah, I remember.

They got girls over there that kiss you
for no reason at all.

Yeah.

Anyway, you better not tell that lady from the county that
you're going to be staying at my house for a couple of days.

Okay.

Well, as I remember, she had light hair.

Well, she was a blonde.

And she wasn't too tall.

You don't.

I see.

Thank you very much.

What's that you just hid?

Hmm?

Uh, nothing, Mr. Charley.

Well, when somebody ducks something
out of sight the minute I walk in, I'm interested.

A little black book.

It is not a little black book.

It happens to be a book I have with some
addresses of old friends.

I've had it for years.

Shirley Massen, Angela Downs, Flora McBride, Googie Dutton.

Goopy.

Yes, Goopy.

Hey, you're not calling these tomatoes, are you?

What's wrong with renewing old friendships?

Nothing, but by the looks of this book,
I think you picked the right word.

Old.

You know, there's an old Chinese saying I
learned on the Kowloon Ferry.

When the ink turns brown, the girl is over the hill.

Hey, how many times have I told you guys
to use the back door?

I just cleaned the rug.

Yeah, but you said guests could use the
front door, Uncle Charley.

What guests?

All I see is you and our star boarder.

You saw her because we're not at school today.

Yeah, I know.

And those shoes on the sheets.

And I want to show you something.

I bought a black towel yesterday, and when
you wash your hands, I want you to use it.

Dad, uh, could I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, Rob.

What's on your mind?

Well, Dad, I, uh, I overheard a couple of
things, and I, uh, I saw you look into the

mirror a few times, and, uh, well,
Dad, I, I think we ought to talk it out.

Well, I, uh, appreciate your great
concern, Rob, but, uh, I'll survive.

Well, sure, Dad, you'll survive, but, uh,
Dad, all I'm saying is you're a young man.

You don't have to go around and call all
these old girlfriends.

Rob, I told Charley and I'm telling you.

I was merely trying to renew old friendships, that's all.

But, Dad, why worry about renewing old
friendships when you can go out and make new ones?

Dad, stop taking those ladies to crop
duster lectures and round table discussions.

There are some great spots in town,
like the Giggle-A-Go-Go.

The Giggle-A-Go-Go?

Rob, that might work for you, but can you see a man
of my age going to a place called the Giggle-A-Go-Go?

Dad, I'm not saying that the
Giggle-A-Go-Go is the only place.

There are other places.

I could write out a whole list of other places.

Well, don't bother.

Look, will you please stop giving me
romance lessons or whatever you're doing?

Dad, I'm just trying to tell you that I
think you should think young.

There's nothing like a place like the
Giggle-A-Go-Go to make a guy feel young.

Okay, Dad, I'm going, I'm going.

But first, listen to this.

Young lady, would you mind telling me
where you bought that sweater?

I'm thinking of getting one just like it for my sister.

You see, you flatter her taste.

And at the same time, when you say sister instead
of wife, she knows that you're... Good night, Bob.

What, is Robbie still telling your dad how he's
young and he should go around kissing girls and junk?

Yeah, the minute he got into college,
he started talking a lot.

What about tr*mp?

I don't know, but you better not put
Wilson down until I find him.

Well, I wish tr*mp and Wilson wouldn't fight all the time.

It makes Uncle Charlie mad.

It makes Wilson bleed a lot.

Okay, you can put Wilson down.

Well, I guess we finally got you moved in.

Yeah.

Wilson, if tr*mp picks a fight with you
again, you gotta not fight back,

because you're not supposed to be here at all.

Come on, get down now, boy.

So the next time you're in a restaurant or
something and a girl is sitting next to

you, don't say something like, it's a nice
day or some unimaginative stuff like that.

Say something like, uh, what shade of blue
is that dress you're wearing?

I'm thinking of incorporating it into an
airplane I'm designing.

Oh, come on.

Don't you see?

You flatter her because you like the color
she's wearing, and at the same time,

you let her know that you're not a librarian or something.

Now, believe me, most women flip over
anybody who has anything to do with airplanes.

Would you mind if we continued this
seminar some other time?

I have some reading to do.

Yeah, okay.

Now, Dad, just quit thinking old, huh?

And quit going out with crop dusters like that
Alice Brett wallet you keep hauling off to dinner.

Crop duster?

Yeah, that's a... That's a thing we say.

Dad, here's something else you can say
when you're meeting someone.

Good night, Rob.

Okay, Dad.

Good night.

Hey, Dad, here's another one.

You're in a corridor and this beautiful
blonde is walking by.

Good night, Rob.

Yeah.

Good night.

Good night.

Not a word.

You'd think the kid would think of
somebody else but himself once in a while.

Mike and Sally just got married yesterday.

Sure, but how long does it take to send a
wire saying they got there safe,

wherever they went?

No more for me.

And another thing.

How come tr*mp spent the night trying to
get in bed with me?

I must have forgotten to lock my door.

Yeah, well, don't forget it tonight.

It's like sleeping with a camel.

Dad, are you going to work today?

Yes, I'm going to work, Rob.

Well, it's a holiday.

I mean, there's no school.

Why don't somebody tell me these things?

I made three lunches.

Today's the day I was taken out of London to the Union.

They call it Mission Day for some reason.

Maybe the rest of the country charged us
admission to get in.

Well, it's Mission Day.

Now, I have to go out to the plant.

Well, Dad, as long as you're going to work, why don't
you try some of those approaches we were discussing?

No, thanks.

Nice breakfast, Charlie.

Dad, don't think of it as chasing.

Think of it as an experiment in contact psychology.

I'll see you fellas later.

Steve, no use letting good food go to waste.

Oh, well, thanks anyway, Charlie.

What's the matter?

You're too proud to eat out of a paper bag?

Here, eat it in the park, in the sunshine.

Where the old guys sit.

I still think it's dumb to go back to your house
just to get a skateboard that's already busted.

When guys ask me to go skateboard riding,
I show them how busted it is.

Then I don't have to get k*lled trying to ride it.

Yeah, well, it's just the same.

Hey, look.

There's that lady.

Not a sight of her, Miss Coulter.

I don't understand it.

His bicycle's here.

Yeah.

Better give me that description again.

Well, he stands about, uh, that high.

Boy, she's sicking the police on you.

Yeah, he must be an detective.

Come on.

Eating in today, Mr. Douglas?

Yes.

When I left the house this morning,
there were, uh, well, it's, uh, admission day.

Oh.

Uh, Miss Fisher?

Yes, Mr. Douglas?

That, uh, dress you're wearing, uh,
what shade of red would you say that was?

Just red, red.

Well, I, I, I thought maybe it had a
particular name, like, uh, well, like chartreuse.

I, I, of course, I know that's a shade of
green or, or yellow.

Oh, it really doesn't make much difference to me.

I'm colorblind.

Hi.

Hello, Miss Barlow.

Mr. Douglas, would you mind telling me
where you got that sweater?

That's funny, I was just going to ask.

No, I'd be very happy to tell you, Miss Barlow.

I was thinking of getting one like it for my boyfriend.

Good.

Good night, Mr. Douglas.

Uh, Miss Worth.

Yes?

Uh, that bag you're carrying, it's,
uh, it's leather, isn't it?

Good night.

Shh.

Maybe it's just your dad.

Wait till we find out.

You fellas all right in there?

Yeah, Dad, we're just horsing around.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, hi, Rob.

Dad, look at this.

I cut some stuff out of the papers.

Man becomes grandfather at 33.

What about it?

Well, don't you see, Dad?

This goes to show you that grandfather is
a word that doesn't always mean old.

Here's another one.

Here's a woman that's 35 years old and
she's already a grandmother.

She's also an acrobat, you see.

Here's another one, Dad.

This guy is 85 years old and he swims two miles a day.

Dad, don't you see?

Age has nothing to do with it.

It's all in the mind.

Robbie, I'm tired and I'd like to take a shower.

I appreciate what you're
trying to do for me, but, well, I'll

have to work out my physical and mental collapse on my own.

Oh, wait, Dad.

Listen, I've got this program worked out
that'll have you back on your feet in no time at all.

Now, right after dinner.

Now, Dad, suppose you're out some night
with this terrific girl and she wants to dance.

And the combo's playing some piece like this.

Well, you've got to be ready for it.

Well, I'm never going to be ready for that.

Well, you won't unless you try, Dad.

Now, come on, just try it once, will you?

Rob, I told you I don't...

Dad, it won't be hard.

Come on down, Dad.

Now lift your hand.

Now jerk it down.

Jerk your hands down.

Snap your back.

I snapped my back 20 years ago,
that's why I won't snap now.

Lift your hands higher.

Pull them down, like you're pulling on a rope or something.

Come on, Dad, you can do it if you try.

That's it.

Lift your hands.

Lift them up higher.

How do you do?

I'm Ernestine Coulter.

Jerk your hands down.

Dad, you've got to snap your back.

Now, come on, Dad, you've got to lift your hands higher.

See how that's come off?

Oh, Dad, it's star of Bessa.

Now jerk down.

You've got to do the snap on the head.

You see?

Now watch.

See my back?

It starts from the back and goes up.

This is a pretty peculiar time of night to
be selling briefcases, honey.

Look at my neck.

Look at my head, Dad.

See it snap?

It starts from the back like a bullwhip.

And you jerk down like this.

Oh, no, I'm not selling briefcases.

We were just...

Could I help you?

Yes.

Yes, do you know anything of the
whereabouts of an Ernest Thompson?

An Ernest Thompson?

You make him sound like an object.

I think he's going to tell.

Sure, he has to.

He's a dad.

I have been to every house within four blocks.

Do you know the boy?

No, sure, we don't.

He's a friend of my son's.

Fine.

If you see him again, would you please
call me at this number?

Yes.

I'm sorry I interrupted your...

Whatever it was you were doing.

Boy, he didn't tell.

How come you didn't say anything about the
little squirt being upstairs?

She didn't really give me a chance, Charlie.

Children's welfare unit, Kings County, Ernestine Coulter.

Dad, if you don't mind my saying so, you
just didn't make the right moves with her.

Now, what you should have said was, uh, come on in.

By the way, one of our most attractive
secretaries wears her hair just like that.

Now, you see, Dad, by saying that...

But why didn't you tell me the truth in the first place?

Well, Guy, your dad knew what I had to call that lady.

They would have taken Ernie away and put
him in, well, like a jail.

Well, Chip, the county home isn't like a jail.

I happen to know it's quite a nice place.

Sure it is.

Miss Coulter is a nice lady.

Only I don't think they'd let me take
Wilson to the county home.

Yeah, Dad.

It's all they can do to get rid of kids, kids with
dogs have to wait longer to get a frosted home.

I mean foster home.

You've had foster parents before, Ernie?

Yeah.

Will you explain to them at the home that
I can't have Wilson with me, Mr. Douglas?

Yes, I will, Ernie.

Now, you fellas understand.

Ernie can stay here tonight, but I'll have
to call Miss Coulter in the morning.

Yeah, I guess we busted the law enough already.

Boy, Dad, how come some kids have all the
parents they want?

Ernie hasn't even got one.

Well, that's, uh, that's the way things work out sometimes.

But you know something?

Some of the greatest men in our country were orphans.

Maybe that'll happen to Ernie.

Maybe it will.

Yeah, Mr. Bassler says I'm already the best
towel collector he ever had in the boys' gym.

Good night, fellas.

Night, Dad.

Night.

How's it going in there, Dad?

Well, Ernie seems to be taking it in stride.

Fred, Chip's the one who's upset.

Yeah, well, that's because we've always
been a sensitive family.

Yeah.

Dad, uh, you know that Miss Coulter isn't
exactly a crop duster, and, uh,

well, I think you ought to just play it cool.

Oh, I mean, maybe flub up a little
grammar, you know, like saying things

like, uh, he don't and you was, and stuff like that.

You want me to say things like he don't
and you was and things like that to her?

Yeah, Dad, you ought to try it, because maybe she's the
motherly type, and, you know, they like to correct mistakes.

Oh.

Come in.

Dad?

What's wrong, kid?

Dad, Ernie's crying.

Oh?

He's pretending not to, but I can tell.

Well.

I didn't say anything rotten or hit him or anything, Dad.

No, I know you didn't, Chip.

It's kind of chilly.

Why don't you climb in my bed for a minute?

I'll go talk to them.

Ernie?

Yes, sir?

Ernie, when you leave here tomorrow, you don't
think we're just going to let you disappear, do you?

I mean, we'll be seeing you.

After all, you won't be very far away because, well, you'll
be in the county, and the county isn't very big, is it?

No.

You know, Ernie, we're never really alone.

Even though it seems that way sometimes.

We have friends who remember us and who think about us.

And you have a lot of friends, Ernie.

You have Uncle Charley and Robbie and Chip
and me and tr*mp and Wilson.

And you have a lot of friends in school.

I bet you know all kinds of kids who miss
you when you're absent for one day.

Yeah, I guess.

And your teachers.

And Mr. Baxter in the gym.

You know, Ernie, you're just a young fellow,
but you've made all these friends already.

Did you ever think of that?

No.

And how about my clarinet teacher?

Sure, your clarinet teacher.

And Mike and Sally, huh?

Yeah, and when they have kids,
I'll have all them for friends.

Yeah, yeah.

And don't forget, Ernie, when things get
rough, you always have a friend you can pray to.

Oh, I already did that.

Oh, you did?

I prayed for you to come in here.

Well, you know, Ernie, that's the nicest
compliment I ever had.

Why don't you lie down?

You're going to sleep, right?

Yes, sir.

Good night, Ernie.

Mr. Douglas?

Yeah, Ernie.

Would it be baby if I asked you to stay in
here for a while?

I mean, just till I go to sleep.

No, it wouldn't be baby at all, Ernie.

I'll be right here.

Good night, Mr. Douglas.

Good night, Ernie.