05x35 - The Leopard's Spots

[bunniefuu]

Come on, Uncle Charley, you're not looking
patriotic enough.

Why am I always the not-head who has to
help with your school projects?

One word out of you and I'm lowering the boom.

Why, Uncle Charley, I think it's an honor
to pose for the Statue of Liberty.

In fact, I don't think you're giving it everything you got.

I ain't got the figure for it, mate.

I thought you and Sally were going somewhere.

Oh, we were to a concert.

Sally got a message her cousin's coming into town.

She had to welcome her.

What?

What does Sally's cousin look like?

Is she anywhere near my age?

Forget it.

She's in college.

I don't know too much else about her
except her name is Suzanne.

Apparently, she's had trouble with her
grades in three colleges.

In fact, her folks say if she gets politely
asked to leave one more, she's had it.

What's her problem?

Now, Suzanne, remember, this time you're
really going to kick boys.

I mean, the boy habit.

You're a bright girl, Suzanne.

The only reason in the world you've had
any problem with your grades is because you.

...

Well, you're... You're so preoccupied.

You're so preoccupied with men you haven't
had time to study.

You're boy crazy.

Yes, I know.

Anyway, I figured that Harold might be a
skier, so I mentioned Stowe, Vermont,

and Tony Sailor, and how much I love the Winter Olympics.

Then he was a skier.

No, that's the funny part.

He got that tan from a sun lamp.

Not the real thing like John Vincent.

John Vincent?

John got off the train at Denver.

Well, come on, Rob.

If you're going to make that ballgame,
you'd better get started.

Hey, Dad, do you mind if I go along with you?

I've been a change of plans.

I have nothing to do.

Oh, fine, Mike.

Come along.

The more the merrier.

I guess you two are tied up for the afternoon, huh?

Us artists and models got no time for ballgames.

I have to stand here watching Bursaitis set in.

Thanks anyway, Dad.

Hello?

Yes, just a minute.

Bob Miller?

Oh, he's the wildest.

Well, he's going to be even more wild because
you're going to tell him you can't go anywhere, right?

Right.

You're going to say no, right?

Right.

Hello, Bob.

Oh, gee, that sounds like fun, but I can't go.

He wants to know why not.

You're studying.

I'm studying.

He wants to come over.

Help me study.

No.

Well, not tonight, anyway.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you call me the first thing... Next June.

Bye, Bob.

Sally, you can't do this to me.

I just can't quit cold Turkey.

Suzanne, put on your coat.

We are going for help.

Come in, whoever you are.

Hi, Sally.

Well, hi.

What in the world's going on?

No, I'm posing for a lumpy statue of Liberty.

That's it for tonight, Michelangelo.

Uncle Charley, I'd like to meet my cousin, Suzanne Boyer.

Hi, and this is my future brother-in-law, Chip.

Hi.

Hi.

This the chick with the boy problems?

How did you know?

Oh, we share all phone conversations around here.

Where's Mike?

Mike and Robbie are down at the mall shop.

They're getting some stuff.

They'll be right back.

I see the problem.

And if I was 20 years younger and she was 20
years older, I'd try to be part of the problem myself.

But I think I can help her if she really
wants to be helped.

You could help her?

Sure.

I'd give her a shot of ugly.

I don't understand.

He means if you don't want to get chased, you've
got to look terrible, like Martha Lacklister in my class.

Right, Uncle Charley?

We don't have to go that far.

Of course.

Why didn't I think of it?

Take away the glamour and the
makeup and... Now, wait a minute.

Nobody's going to lay a hand on my eyes.

Hey, Shadow.

Suzanne, it's got to be done.

So you can graduate.

You won't have the problem of refusing dates anymore.

Nobody will ask you.

But they've been asking me since I was five years old.

Me and Bubby used to be in Boarderville, honey.

And if I do say it myself, I'm mighty good
with a makeup kit.

Yeah, once he made me look like Tano.

At least that's how it turned out.

You game or not?

We are game.

You're up.

You're giving them straight to Tim Considine.

Hi, honey.

They are.

If only they had a two-way cut with
pineapple twist and cone on front.

Whatever happened to the chocolate?

Mike, I want you to meet my cousin, Suzanne.

Hi.

You mean...

You mean you're Suzanne?

Mike, you've got to believe it.

This isn't the real me.

Hey, Uncle Charley.

Will you tell Chip that he has to eat his
ice cream out of a dish?

Hi.

He's slopping it up with his fingers.

Chip!

Well, Charlie, you must have done a great makeup job.

Suzanne, you just passed the final test.

What test?

The Robbie test.

He hardly noticed you.

I think Uncle Charley did a great job.

Suzanne looks really... Chip!

Well, it ought to throw the boys off the track for a while.

You know, I've been thinking.

Just in case Suzanne...

It weakens.

It might be a good idea if she had a
watchdog for a couple of days.

Well, she couldn't, it's tr*mp.

But Skinny Davis down the street has a puppy for sale.

And he barks every time Skinny comes in the house.

Not that kind of watchdog, Chip.

We need someone to kind of, well,
growl when Suzanne strays from her books.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Someone who separates Suzanne from the boys.

I second the motion.

Do I hear from a volunteer watchdog?

Don't look at me.

At my age, if I started following Suzanne around,
the next thing you know, I'd be telling it to the judge.

Rob?

Yeah, I guess I could do it every day after school.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like older women.

But don't worry, I've got a lot of character.

Aren't you sort of young?

Well, no, no, I'm just perfect for the job.

I'm old enough to keep an eye on Suzanne, and yet
young enough so nobody has to keep an eye on me.

Oh, hi, everybody.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, what's going on?

It looks like you're having a party.

Uh, Dad, I'd like you to meet... Wait a minute, Rob.

We've met before, haven't we?

You're Chip's little friend, uh,
Martha Lacklister's older sister.

Did I, uh, say something wrong?

Hi, Susanna.

Oh, hi.

You're, uh, settling down on geology, huh?

We have to study all the related sciences.

Oh, Robbie, I can't stand much more.

It's like solitary confinement.

After two days?

Well, a person can't cut out dating like going on a diet.

A person should be allowed to taper off.

Well, now, look, you're here to nail down
that diploma, right?

I suppose so.

Well, then you get some studying done and
just quit fighting it.

Whatever you say.

Remember, little brother is watching you.

How.

Do you think you'll do in geology?

There are some very interesting things
that I've never seen in geology.

Happened during the Paleozoic era.

I fell in love with the Paleozoic the
minute I could pronounce it.

Miss Boyer, I noticed you in
biochemistry lab and, well, I was

wondering that maybe you'd like to go out with me sometime.

What, maybe tonight?

I'm afraid I can't.

I've had rules set up for me.

I'm not allowed to date at all.

You see, I've had a very hard time in
college so far and, oh, I'd love to.

That's a very interesting chart.

Yes?

My name is Norman Quigley and I'm here to take Miss Boyer
to a lecture on surfactant lymphins in biological membranes.

Oh, come in.

Thank you.

Won't you sit down?

No, I'm, uh...

more comfortable standing, thank you.

Susanna's told me so much about you.

Oh, really?

Well, uh... we just met formally
this afternoon at the library.

That's what she told me.

Somebody there, Sally?

Yes, Norman's here.

I'll be right out.

Oh, uh, good.

I'm anxious to have a discussion with Miss
Boyer and other esters that possess

analogous properties before we arrive at
the, uh, lymphids lecture.

Yeah, sounds like quite a night.

Hi, Norman.

Ready?

Don't you look handsome.

All of a sudden, Miss Boyer, you don't strike me as
the sort of girl that would enjoy surfactant lymphids.

I adore them.

And there's always Paoli's Pizza Palace afterwards.

Paoli's?

Good night, Sally dear.

Now, don't wait up.

And there's always Paoli's Pizza Palace afterwards.

You, you...

Robbie, this table's full up.

Besides, I think you're in over your head.

Look, I've got orders to bring her home.

Oh, you go back and tell whoever gave you those orders.

Next time, don't send a boy to do a man's job.

Robbie, I've decided I just can't fight it anymore.

No longer.

Are you going home and get you something like a project?

But, Susanne, Robbie, you heard the lady now.

Be a good boy and run along home.

All.

I know is I'm in a date with a caterpillar
and I ended up with a butterfly.

Well, she's got to get home and study.

She has a test tomorrow.

Butterflies never study.

They just flutter around the flame.

Anyway, that's what moths do.

Norman, are you wearing shoelaces?

What?

Are you wearing shoelaces?

Yes.

Then give me one.

I don't understand.

What for?

Operation Suzanne.

Operation Suzanne?

There.

Now, what does that look like?

A napkin tied with a shoelace?

No, no, it's a college diploma.

But what's a napkin?

Excuse me, a diploma got to do with Suzanne.

I'm hoping it's a reminder of a promise she made.

Oh, well, in that case, I'm glad I wasn't wearing loafers.

Oh, Mark.

I think you're trying to tell me something.

Well?

It's a napkin tied with a shoelace.

Now, Suzanne, you're not leaving now.

Yes.

It's a far, far away.

It's a far better thing that I do than
I've ever done before.

You know, somehow all the chicks my age
are beginning to look like mud hens.

Yeah.

Well, when we get this bash settled and you...

You've got your paper napkin and shoelaces cinched,
maybe the two of us could hit the high spots for real.

Hey, yeah, I could raise a mustache out there,
and nobody would have to know I went to high school.

Well, I guess I am kind of cute.

Okay.

Yeah, see you at the museum.

Seven O'clock, right.

Goodbye.

Rob.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Hi.

Hi.

There you are.

Couldn't help it.

I was about to overhear that phone conversation.

That was Suzanne.

She takes up where the others leave off.

I, uh, I get it.

Rob, isn't she a little too old for you?

Yeah, but then I'm a little young for her,
so it all comes out even.

There isn't anything you'd like to talk over with me.

I mean, uh, do you have a problem of any kind?

Nope.

Have you, Dad?

No.

Not at all.

Well, I'll see you later, then.

Yeah.

Dad?

Oh, I'm sorry, Chip.

Pipe went out.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Mike.

I see he's finally put you to work, huh?

Yeah.

So, I'm going to go to work.

Say, Mike, how is Robbie coming along with
Operation Suzanne?

Are you worried about him?

Yeah, I am, frankly.

So am I.

Worried about Robbie just because he's been out every night
this week and has his own hotline from here to Suzanne's?

Of course, I haven't seen Suzanne in full bloom, but
I understand she's quite a... I mean, quite attractive.

Yeah.

Robbie hasn't got much experience with femme fatales.

What's that?

A femme fatale is a woman that knows all
the answers before you ask her to tell you.

Ask the questions.

You mean like a teacher.

Well...

Chip, your model's getting just a little tired.

Why don't you take a cookie break, huh?

Okay, I know.

I'll leave while you guys talk.

Only don't anybody sit on her.

Charley, do you think Robbie's really
falling for this girl?

He sure is.

He's been asking me a bunch of questions
about getting a girl to like you.

Stuff like that.

Just because I mentioned a couple of
females I know in Hong Kong and Calcutta.

Maybe we ought to set a watchdog on our watchdog.

I've been reading in the papers where high
school boys run off and get married.

Well, I just don't want Robbie to get hurt, that's all.

The family is always the last to know.

Dad, I got a cookie, and my statue has to
be finished by tomorrow.

Okay, Chip.

Well, back to work.

Mike, I just can't do it.

It's sneaky.

Why?

There's nothing wrong with you and me happening
to be here when Robbie brings Suzanne home.

Well, they should have been back by now if
they were going to a biochemistry lecture.

Shh, I think I hear them.

Oh, Mike, do you think we should?

Thank you so much.

I have the best...

Are they kissing?

Robbie?

Good night, Sally.

We were just saying good night.

Good night.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

Well, we thought...

What happened to Robbie?

Robbie took me to the lecture, and then we ran into Norman.

Why would he leave you with Norman?

Yeah.

I, uh...

I owe everything to Robbie.

He's young, but experienced in these matters.

He's been coaching me.

He sort of arranges it so I accidentally bump into them.

I bump into them here and there.

Suzanne, you're the only girl I ever met
that I could talk to.

Oh, Norman.

My brain was attracted to your brain from the very start.

Yeah, but from now on, no other boys.

Just you and me and...

and our textbooks.

Yes, Norman.

Well, nothing can stop Suzanne from getting her diploma.

The latest is that she and Norman are
going to go for their M.A.s and P.H.D.

s together.

You don't have to spell things out.

I know they're going to get married.

I think Robbie handled the situation very well.

Next time I have a personal problem,
I'll know exactly who to go to.

I still think he's sweet on it.

Ah, Suzanne's okay, but I like him more physical.

Speaking of personal problems, prize nows, how about this?

Uncle Charley, I left that in there on purpose.

Who could see it there?

Well, Chipper, your Statue of Liberty won a prize, huh?

How about that?

That's wonderful.

Yeah.

Well, you don't seem very excited about it.

Well, teachers thought it was something else.

Well, like what?

An elephant balancing a ball.

And you accepted a prize, even though your
teacher thought it was an elephant balancing a ball?

No, I gave the real prize back.

Oh, what was the real prize?

A dictionary.

Well, we're all very proud of you, Chip.

I'm sure that was the honest thing to do.

Now, these here were meant to be chicken and dumplings.

They looked like chicken and dumplings.

And everybody eats.

Stay tuned, pandemonium viewers, because coming
up right now is one of the top ten most popular episodes.

That's right.

Every episode all weekend is chosen by
viewers, but this one was just one of very bad.

So don't touch that remote.

We'll be right back.