10x03 - Empty Nest

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Daddy song.

Surprise, surprise, surprise.

Ruben, it tried to k*ll me.

What is it?

It's blow your own.

What?

Blow your own inflatable furniture,
it's just the latest thing.

Marion, what is wrong with you?

You know, you've been doing kind of crazy things lately.

I mean, one week you're studying conversational
Hungarian and the next you're making wine in the bathtub.

Oh.

I sold two bottles.

Well, isn't it enough just being a housewife?

Well, I'm just trying to find things to do.

Richie's gone and Laurie Beth is gone and
little Richie's gone and Joanie's gone.

And the furniture's gone.

But I'm still here, sweetheart.

Oh, Howard, it's not enough.

Oh, I mean, you're plenty, dear,
you really are, you're just plenty.

But, listen, I can't talk now because I'm late for work.

Oh, can't Fonzie do without you for one night?

Oh, no, he really needs me down there at Arnold's
because the kitchen is just a mess and the bathrooms.

Well, I just don't even want to talk to him.

I'll talk about it.

Marion, you're not getting paid to clean.

Oh, I'm not getting paid at all, Howard.

I'm just doing it to keep busy.

Oh, now, look, look, sweetheart, the kids are now out
of the house and you should be able to enjoy yourself.

We can do anything we want.

We could, we could watch TV naked.

Oh, Howard, not that again.

Now, come on, Marion, you're always running away somewhere.

Now, there's nothing I'd rather do than to
stay home and spend a nice quiet evening

with my beautiful wife, sitting on Flash
Gordon's furniture.

And enjoying our wonderful life together.

Now, come on, call Fonzie and tell him you can't make it.

Oh, all right, Howard, I'll call Arthur.

Oh, good.

Hope he doesn't want his money back for the wine.

Well, I'll lock the door and warm up the TV.

Fonzie?

Whoa!

Yo.

Who says a man's got a doubt?

I'm so excited to see an angel.

Oh, Fonzie, you ready to go?

I'm so excited, I can't believe we're
finally gonna see My Fair Lady.

Well, don't rush, don't rush.

You know, that's what people do.

They rush here, they rush there, they come and
they're going, they don't even know where they've been.

Yeah, but if we don't rush, we're gonna miss the overture.

We'll play the album.

Let's not be a prisoner of time.

Let us seize the moment to be free, huh?

I need romance in this spot now.

Fonzie, if we don't leave soon, we're really
going to... Oh, no, you're gonna love this.

Here.

Take a shlub.

Mrs. C made it.

Fonzie, this is nice.

But couldn't we do this after the show?

Show?

What's a show?

Just ordinary people like you and me,
except the guys wear makeup, too.

Ashley, Fonzie, I don't know how I'm gonna ever thank you.

I was planning on spending the night
tonight at my house trying to break my

push-up record, and then, bam,
the phone rang, and next thing I know,

you wanted me to have your tickets to see My Fair Lady.

I can't wait to see Rex Harrison.

Fonzie.

Roger.

Oops.

Melvin.

So we're not going to see the play?

Well, not going to see.

See is a broad term.

I mean, not going to see the play tonight is a lot different
than not going to see the play, let's see, Thursday.

So let us have a fun time right here in Arnold's.

Thursday we'll go and see a lot of men wearing makeup.

Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you haven't heard.

Tonight is Rex Harrison's last performance.

He's going to be replaced by Danny Thomas.

Thank you.

Listen, Fonz, I promise I won't enjoy the show.

In fact, I'll see to it that my date doesn't either.

You didn't really want to see me play, did you?

No.

I love Danny Thomas.

Oh, you're mad at me.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, listen, I don't blame you.

I don't blame you.

It's just that Mrs. C backed out.

I didn't know what else to do.

We should have called.

Fonzie, if we're going to have a real
relationship, you have to be honest with me.

You're right, I should have called.

It's just that I wanted to see you so much.

You know what I shouldn't have done?

I shouldn't have let Al Delvecchio cross the stage.

They'd line, I am a mechanic, not a restauranteer.

Tour.

Tour.

It's just that my life is a Jigsaw puzzle.

I got too many pieces.

I don't know what to do.

What am I supposed to do?

I'll tell you something.

This will never happen again, Ashley.

I'm going to solve this puzzle.

You know,

after you get used to it, the line's really not that bad.

So what do we do now, Howard?

Well, now we talk, Marion.

We exchange ideas.

We engage in the lively art of conversation.

Okay.

Good.

You know, this is silly, Marion.

I mean, we've been married for 28 years.

There must be a whole world of things to talk about.

You know, Howard, our lives are empty and meaningless.

Look, we did a good job raising our kids,
and now we should reap the rewards.

And this is it?

You bet.

Please, I am a happy man.

Oh, Howard, he's awesome.

That's enough talk.

You know what?

I have decided I had a brainstorm to sell Arnold.

Oh!

You got new furniture, huh?

Can I run away from home?

I'm not going to stay where I'm not wanted.

I'm running away from home.

He's running away, Dad.

You going to let me go?

Yeah, good luck, son.

And don't forget to ride.

Well, I'm already gone.

Goodbye.

Eddie has been gone for over an hour,
and there's no sign of him.

Ward Cleaver, you never should have let
him go out that door in the first place.

I just don't understand what went wrong
with my child's psychology.

It always worked on Leave it to Beaver.

I'm sorry I ran away.

There's no place like TV Land.

I don't have any.

Can't find new Ritz chips?

Guess they're even more popular than we thought.

We're making them as fast as we can.

Sorry.

I love to run, and it's not a problem.

The hair goes with me when I run.

I would always wear a hat, even in the pool.

My tennis game has improved.

I don't know, it just feels like I'm always acing the guy.

Hello.

I'm Dr. John Parker.

Hair loss is an all-too-common problem.

But finally, there's good news.

The Parker solution to hair loss?

No.

I just saved a bunch of money on my car
insurance by switching to GEICO.

GEICO.



In Italian cooking, everything must be
filled with happiness.

Even the lasagne.

So Olive Garden introduces three meat or
delicious chicken and portobello mushroom lasagne.

Starting at $9.95.

Olive Garden.

Olive Garden.

When you're here, you're family.

Only Oreo.

We're not going to let them get away with this.

Are you with me?

Yes!

We're going to tell the Fonz what we really think of them.

Are you with me?

No, I don't think they are.

Now listen up.

I got a real estate agent coming.

Coming in here with a prospective buyer.

I want this place to look like an investment,
which means get rid of the signs now.

Get off the furniture.

I want to see happy faces.

Happy faces.

Happier.

Happiest.

That's better.

Just wait a minute.

I got something to say about this.

Well, then be very clear about it, because
everybody should hear a dying man's last words.

Fonzie.

You can't sell Arnold's.

Why not?

Well, it's part of Milwaukee history.

I grew up here.

I want my kids to grow up here.

I want them to have a place where they can
have food fights.

Loosen the top of salt shakers.

Blow straw wrappers across the room.

Fonz, suppose Arnold's new owners make
this into a fancy restaurant.

They might not even have straws.

You know the most amazing part about this?

I actually stood here and listened to you.

Are you finished?

Of course.

Sit, sit, sit.

All right, now look.

I can't believe it.

I feel your tummy's here.

I saw you're having some problems because
I want a little time to myself.

I am a bad guy.

Is this gratitude?

Huh?

Is this gratitude?

Ah, Mr. Fonzarelli.

Have I got a sucker outside for you.

A business client, that is.

Let me get it for you.

Right this way, Mr. Takahashi.

I can't believe it.

Oh, you.

Still cool.

You're still Japanese.

You're great.

Oh, so what did they do to my place?

Well, we had a little fight, you know.

When are they going to fix it?

Well, obviously, you know each other, so I'm going to
head back to the office and figure out my commission.

So, listen, four years, I haven't seen you in four years.

What have you been doing all that time?

Yeah, well, you see, I joined the Peace
Corps to see the world.

And I ended up in West Virginia.

Four years there.

It took me that long to figure out where I was.

But, you know, Fonzie, I sure miss Milwaukee.

Milwaukee missed you.

Yeah, I miss the fun.

I miss the kids.

By the way, where are the kids?

Where's Richie?

Where's Ralphie?

Where's Joanie?

I'm still here.

Why?

It's a good one, huh, Fonzie?

It's good.

So, Arnold, does this mean you're going to
buy back Arnold's?

What, Fonzie, you still shop like a tank?

Oh, that's great.

That's great.

Hey, everybody, listen up.

Demonstration is over.

Arnold's is still Arnold's.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I mean, Fonzie and Arnold still got to talk terms.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Fonzie and Arnold are still friends.

Terms don't mean nothing.

We'll work it out.

Oh, I know that, Fonzie, but I just don't want you to take
advantage of me just because I love this place so much.

So, um, how much you want for this crummy joint?

I'll tell you what.

I'm going to write down a number right
here that I can live with.

Okay.

I think you're going to find this a steal.

Hey.

Bah!

Excuse me, is something wrong?

Maybe it would have helped if you talked about it.

Well, it's just so hard.

Richie's in Greenland, Joanie's in
Chicago, and my new furniture leaks.

Oh, I knew you wouldn't understand.

Although we do understand.

Joanie and Richie are your children.

Ah, yes.

And you're upset because they've moved
away and left you alone.

Yes.

That's amazing.

How'd you do that?

Are Richie and Lori Beth going to find
happiness in California?

Here.

I wasn't trying to tell your fortune.

I was just putting a couple of facts together.

Well, you're looking at two authorities, and
what happens to mom when the children grow up?

It takes quite a while to adjust.

I'll bet you're still doing their favorite cooking.

Yes.

I was up to my ears in chocolate cake.

I hate chocolate cake.

Oh, and the days were endless.

Well, the housework was all done by 10 O
'clock in the morning, and there I stood

in my newly starched apron with absolutely nothing to do.

Then, I decided to redecorate the children's bedrooms.

Now, I have a home with three dens.

I would never touch their bedrooms, you know, just in case.

Just in case they might decide to move
back and be comfortable?

Well, yes.

But you know in your heart that they aren't going to.

Well, thank you very much.

I'm in trouble.

Wait.

I was just coming to the good part.

Your children have started on a new phase of their lives.

But so have you.

And you have to make the best of it.

But how?

Well, by using this time to do all the things that
you put off doing while you were raising your children.

But I have.

I have made my own bathtub decals,
and I've learned how to bronze baby shoes

at home, and I've turned old sprues into valuable jewelry.

No, life is more than arts and crafts.

You've got to do what you want to do.

Isn't that something that you've always dreamed of doing?

Well, yes, but...

Oh, no buts, just do it.

You're right, I will.

Well, I just thank you so much.

You help me a lot.

Oh, hey, we moms have to stick together.

We're ready for you ladies now.

Okay, thank you.

You look like that before you get your hair done.

You're just beautiful.

So will you be when they finish with you.

Good luck.

I know you'll make it.

Daddy's home.

Marion!

Marion!

What have you done?

Well, Mr. Alberto thought that I could use
a little softness around my face.

Do you like it?

Oh, it's terrific.

You look lovely.

Marion, did we have a robbery, I hope?

How?

I sent back the phone.

It was ugly, it was uncomfortable, it was impractical,
and the sofa burst, and it took me an hour to catch it.

So, I'm going to go out in the garage and get
our old furniture and put it back where it belongs.

Oh, you look so happy, Marion.

You should go to the beauty parlor every day.

It's nice to have you back, sweetheart.

Oh, Howard, you know, I thought my life was over because
the children are gone, but now I see it's just beginning.

Yeah.

Well, this calls for some kind of a celebration.

What would you like to do, huh?

Take out the garbage.

Oh, I was thinking more along the lines of
dinner and a movie, Marion.

After you take out the garbage.

Huh?

Okay, whatever you say.

I guess some things just never change.

Ah!

He found it.

What is this, Marion?

This is something I've always dreamed of doing.

Don't you remember, Howard, when we were first married?

We would spread this great... We
would put this big map of the United States

on a table, and we would Mark off all
the places we wanted to see someday.

Then you would twirl me around.

You'd say, If I'm fancy free and love to
wander, it's just a gypsy in my soul.

I am not a gypsy, Marion, and I have no intention
of traveling around the country in the Hindenburg air.

Oh, just wait till you see the inside.

There's this tiny little stove and this tiny little shower.

Then you better get a tiny little guy to
go with you, because I'm not.

Wait, Howard, Howard, now, can't we talk this over?

Marion, how can you think about driving around
the country when gas costs 29 cents a gallon?

Besides, I got a business to run, a mortgage to pay.

Oh, I see.

You want to just sit inside on your lumpy old furniture
for the rest of your life and never try anything new.

Bingo, Marion, that's exactly what I want to do.

Well, I have no intention of living like that, and if you
don't like it, Howard Cunningham, that's just too damn bad.

Well, that does it.

I'm packing a bag.

If you want me, I'll be at the lodge.

Marion, what are we doing?

For all these years we've been together,
I've never walked out on you.

I have never said the D word for you.

What's wrong, sweetheart?

My children are gone.

Well, so are mine.

But you still have hardware.

I don't have a job anymore.

You sell a hammer, you just put another
one up on the shelf.

But you raise a kid.

That's it.

I just feel so useless, Howard.

Why didn't you tell me you felt this way before?

Well, I tried, Howard.

But you just kept saying, well, this is
such a wonderful time for us, Marion.

Now we can watch TV naked any time we want.

So I thought if I kept really busy, well, then
maybe I could see things the way you did.

But I didn't.

That's why you bought the furniture, huh?

And had my golf shoes bronzed.

Rented this thing.

You did rent this, didn't you, Marion?

But I am just as unhappy as I was before.

Oh, sweetheart, I am so, so sorry.

I've acted like a jerk.

You deserve a lot more than what I've been giving you.

But I'll tell you what, from now on,
things are going to change around here.

We're going to go out more.

And this summer, I think I'll take four,
three, three weeks.

And we'll rent this blimp, and we'll go
anywhere you want to go.

And when we get back, if you like, you
can come and work part-time in the store.

Oh, Howard, that's wonderful.

And if there's anything else you want,
sweetheart, you just ask for it.

Could we build a pool, Howard?

Not on your life, ma'am.

You know, it seems a shame, you know,
to rent this and not use it.

Let me give you a grand tour.

See, there's a little stove, and there's a
little sink, and a cozy little bed,

and a little refrigerator, and a little closet.

Suddenly, there are early morning traffic
jams in the fields of Bell Creek.

People are coming for our new fruit
harvest peach strawberry cereal,

full of sweet peaches and succulent strawberries.

Where else would you find the fresh taste
of fruit in a cereal box?

That's right, nowhere, but inside new
fruit harvest peach strawberry.

Pick a right box today.

What are you doing?

I just refinanced with Dytek.com.

I don't need these anymore.

Cash out some equity or consolidate bills
with a new first mortgage from Dytek.com.

The total lender closing cost is just $395.

You're right.

This is fun.

Log on to Dytek.com or call 1-800-DYTEK-1.

That cold's getting worse, Dad.

My nose is running.

Head's all blocked up.

I need my Alka-Seltzer Plus.

Only Alka-Seltzer Plus has an effervescent cold-fighting
formula that breaks up your worst cold symptoms fast.

Alka-Seltzer Plus.

Alka-Seltzer Plus.

Just drink it, feel it.

Why should you keep a few boxes of Jell-O
Instant Pudding around the house?

Because it's only five minutes to homemade.

Because, do we really have to say anything?

Jell-O Instant Pudding.

Because it's magic.

You know, guys, you've got me, your favorite cousin
of all time, to thank for bringing the whole family here.

Sure, our parents always talked about taking us on a
Walt Disney World vacation, but they never got around to it.

So when I heard that grown-ups can get a
vacation planning kit for free,

I told my mom, and she called 1-800-332-8338 and got it.

She couldn't believe all the new things
there were for everyone to do.

Then again, how could you not have a good time down here?

Where else could you eat breakfast with Mickey?

Even Aunt Lorelai's acting like a kid.

I helped make that happen.

And how about those rooms?

Right in the middle of everything for $77 a night.

You're the man, Bobby.

To order your free Walt Disney World
vacation planning kit, call 1-800-332-8338.

But hurry, supplies are limited.

You know, Grandma, you've got me.

Your best grandson ever to thank for
bringing the whole family together.

They're really rockin' in.

I'm so glad you came here.

I gotta ask you three important questions.

Now, this price that I'm asking for,
you know, for Arnold's, is it fair?

Oh, absolutely.

As your accountant, I think you're only
seeking a fair return on your initial

capital investment, but as your girlfriend, I
think they're more important things than money.

That's gotta be one of them.

So, uh,

how's business, Fonzie?

Well, let me tell you something, Arnold.

My last price?

Fine.

You're not gonna get me to beg.

You wanna buy this, you find some other sucker.

Oh, I already did.

See, I just got back from Chicago, and Al
sold me his half of the business for a song.

A very short song.

Ba-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

That is a sneaky, low-down, underhanded thing
to do, which I personally am very happy you did.

Because now I can be a silent partner again, huh?

Welcome home.

That's great, yeah.

Now listen.

I want you to meet my lady friend here,
Miss Ashley Pfister.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

You all seem to have won, haven't you?

Congratulations.

Oh, that's very good, Fonzie.

She speaks Japanese?

Oh, yeah.

What's she say?

Miss Pfister said, it is a pleasure to
meet you, and she truly loves that you

have enabled her to spend more time with moi.

How did you know that?

It's a gift.

Sayonara.

Adios.

Okay, Arnold's back.

Come on, everybody.

Let's party!

Coming up next, it's the shocking final story.

See who speaks the final line.

It's not Robert Reed, who refused to
appear in this episode due to creative reasons.

Creative differences.

The very last episode of The Brady Bunch
is next, right here on TV Land.