10x01 - A Woman Not Under the Influence

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

[Chanting:] We're No. 1!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Why is everybody so excited about winning?

It was only an inner-squad game.

Coach! Are you kidding?

This is the only game we'll win all year.

We stink!

Yaaaa!

Oh Fonzi. Thanks for taking me to the game.

It was so exciting.

Just like being back in beauty college.

Roxanne.

Ya?

Please. Sit down and give your lips a rest.

OK

Roger, Roxanne. Roxanne, Roger - please!

Roxanne - that's a very lovely name.

Thanks. I was named after my dead uncle.

No orders are being taken.

No money is being made.

What, am I running this as a hobby?

Hey Clarence. Get out here.

I'm com in.

Make it fast. I'm busy defrosting the fresh fish.

Would you please grab a pad and get some orders going here?

Wait a minute. I cook. I do the dishes.

I'm the bouncer. Now you want me to wait tables?

No way. That's it. I quite.

I understand. I really do. I'm sorry I asked.

To think - I was just about to
make you my executive vice-president.

Me? Really?

Oh ya.

What do I get to do?

Well you get to cook. You get to wait on tables.

You get to boss people around.

Can I meet with the accountant?

That is fun for you.

Well, it's better than watering down to ketchup.

All right, I accept.

Give me five.

Tough little guy.

Look, Fonzie, surprise!

I changed my hair.

I am in awe.

Go over here very quick.

That's enough for you?

Wait, how'd you like that?

Oh, yeah, I needed the change.

She didn't even fall out of his pockets.

You're so observant.

You know what happened, Roxanne?

Listen, how would you like to take Roxanne home?

You will like her.

She is a college girl.

Nice hair.

Thanks.

That was my major.

Roger, I got a problem.

I got dates at 7 O'clock.

I got them at 8 O'clock and 9 O'clock,
seven days a week, sometimes more.

Yeah?

The trill is gone.

I am bored.

You know, Fonzie, I think you're beginning
to desire more emotional depth in your

interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex.

But what you're trying to do is you're
trying to get more out of a woman than just a.

...

Are you crazy?

Don't do that.

Not on me, anyway.

Yes, yes, I am losing this thing with
multitudes of women, you know?

There's got to be something else.

What is there?

Art?

You know, Raj, you really got your good looks.

Don't push.

Did you hear that, Howard?

See, Arthur's getting tired of the old bippity-boppity-boo.

Yeah, but our bet still stands, Marion.

Fonzie is not the type of guy who'll ever settle down.

I've just never seen him so low.

He was on his bike behind Arnold holding a
Daisy, saying, they all love me,

I love them not.

Maybe a nod to a nice dinner will cheer him up.

I wouldn't count on him, Aunt Marion.

He's very, very depressed.

Whoa.

God bless you all.

I'm the fool we're about to eat.

I want to tell you, Mr. C, you look great.

That's depressed?

I guess I should tell you because you're
all my family, right?

Moi.

He's getting married.

Okay, Howard, pay up.

Who's the girl?

I went to Metcliffe's.

To buy me some fruit of the looms, you know?

I'm on the up escalator.

She's on the down.

Our eyes meet.

I drop my shorts.

Mr. C, the ones that are in the bag.

Fonzie, who is the girl?

What is her name?

Actually, I haven't spoken to her yet.

I don't know.

Fonz, how are you going to marry her if
you don't even know who she is?

That's right, Arthur.

You'll need her name for the marriage certificate.

At least her initials for the towels.

Be of little faith.

I will find her.

And when I do, buy me a wedding gift,
and you give her a little bit more, will you?

Life is just a bowl of cherries.

Boom!

We've got to pull together.

Everybody, we've got to work as a team.

And whoever finds this mystery lady will be the proud
owner of something that took me eight years to put together.

Every date in a tri-state area.

My black book.

Fonz, what do I get?

You get to put your name in the book.

Fonz, does this sketch look anything like her?

All right, Bobby.

First of all, her eyes are much bigger.

Second of all, she had a chin.

Fellas, fellas, fellas.

Why not just use me as a model?

One vision of loveliness often resembles another.

Or so the poets say.

All right, all right, all right.

All right, we'll use you there, Piccolo.

To begin with, her eyes were big and blue.

Not little squint ba*ls like this.

And her mouth was luscious and full and thick.

Not little lines here with chap marks all over them.

Nothing, you know.

And she did have a body.

Okay, okay, that's enough.

Some men worship squinty eyes.

Potsie, you got any chap stick?

Got a quarter.

Hey, that's for my senior year.

I'm in the background of every sports
picture going like this.

Man, was high school fun.

Potsie.

Yeah?

I think you're putting the brakes on my search here.

Why don't you go back to the hardware
store and make some keys?

Mr. C won't let me do that anymore.

Of course not.

How come you're drawing a picture of Ashley?

Do you know her?

Yeah, her name's Ashley.

Her name is Ashley what?

Ashley something.

I don't know.

No, no, no.

You don't understand.

I have to know her last name there, Pots.

Fonz, I don't remember.

She came into my dad's gas station a couple of times.

That's it.

Pots, isn't it true that when you're on the verge of
death, you see your whole life pass before your eyes?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I studied about that.

It has something to do with hormonal
stimulation during periods of great fear.

I see her pulling up to the pumps.

She says, pull her up.

I say, I have to go regular.

She says, up.

And could you please check?

Check the oil.

What is her name, Potsie?

Ashley.

Ask me what?

Her name is Ashley Pfister.

Ashley Pfister.

That's it, that's it, that's it.

All right, listen.

What you just did, I'm going to take back every malicious,
ugly, and low-down remark I have ever made about you, Pots.

Even when you call me donkey breath?

This is hard enough, Potsie.

This is hard enough, all right?

All right, now this is for you, Warren.

Both hands.

Do not let this get into the hands of children, all right?

Yeah.

Ashley Pfister, from now on, every day of
your life is going to be the 4th of July.

All right.

Heck, I get one of these every Christmas
from my insurance agent.

Mrs. McGuigan, the gown is gorgeous.

Chug, chug, chug.

Carol Burnett and Friends is coming to TV Land.

We are talking about national TV here.

Tune in for our 48-hour marathon.

It's on at 10.30.

Actually, it's on all weekend long.

Well, forgive me.

Me for a living.

Two straight days of unforgettable skits.

We're all here.

Watch the Carol Burnett and Friends
marathon all this weekend on TV Land.

Aha!

So it's you, Dad.

Give me a minute to make my case.

Kool-Aid.

Stir up some smiles.

Okay, Dad.

Case dismissed.

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Pick a right box today.

Excuse me, little girl, could you help me out?

Does Ashley Pfister live in this apartment?

No.

Does Ashley Pfister live here in this apartment?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, I'm home.

Yeah, Ray.

Listen, it's me again.

We met in the hall.

That doesn't make us strangers no more.

Can we chat?

I guess so.

Is your daddy home?

No.

Oh, all right.

When is your daddy?

When is your daddy coming home?

Mommy says when hell freezes over.

I like that.

I like that.

Um, can I talk to your mommy?

Sure.

Move your face.

Oh.

Mom, there's some hood that wants to see you.

Okay, Heather, I'll be right out.

Oh.

Come on in.

I'm glad you're here.

Yeah, I figured you wouldn't be.

Your refrigerator's making this awful squeaking noise.

Uh, I'm not here to fix your refrigerator.

Then what are you here for?

Eee.

This is tear gas.

Now I want you out.

Uh, don't you remember, Meckles?

I was on the up, you were on the down.

We smiled.

You mean just because we smiled at each
other, that gives you the right to barge in here?

And I'm supposed to ride off into the sunset with you?

Yeah.

No.

Get out of here.

Uh, listen, I'd just like to do one thing
first with you, all right?

And then if you still want me to go,
I'll remember you, all right?

Put down the pepper shaker, please.

I'm standing here, my hands are in my pocket.

All I want to do is stare in your eyes for
ten small seconds.

And then you promise you'll leave?

Yeah.

If at that time you still want me to go.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Ten.

I believe that's ten and the door is that way.

I think we have to do this again.

You're not getting the game.

I understand perfectly.

You can't ask me to leave.

I gave my black book away and everything.

Black book?

What are you talking about?

Don't forget to hit label side up.

Thanks.

I'm going.

I'm going.

Listen, if you change your mind, my
number is Klondike 5, one tree, one tree.

You remember that, right?

Okay.

Hey, call collector.

Who is that?

Never you mind.

Someone who will never set foot in this house again.

Too bad.

I thought it was cute.

I thought it was cute.

Marion, why don't you sit down and watch
Bonanza with me, huh?

You'll love this one.

Little Joe's getting married to an island
Princess from Hawaii.

No way.

They're not going to get me this time.

Every time one of those Cartwright boys
falls in love, the girl always ends up on Boot Hill.

Well, you know, she is awfully pretty.

Hi, folks.

Is Fonzie down here?

I've got to find out how things went with
this mystery woman.

We haven't seen him, Raj.

So, huh, buddy?

Huh?

Tell me, how'd it go with this Ashley Pfister?

Was she everything you expected?

What's the matter, Fonz?

Nothing is the matter.

Miss Wade?

Now, he's kissing the bride.

Now she's Maki Maki Cartwright.

How could you watch this?

Don't you know that people sit around making this stuff up?

This isn't life.

Life is a bowl of prune pits.

What's that?

What's that?

Is that a cattle stampede?

Maki Maki, look out!

Ah!

They did it to me again.

Hasn't little Joe suffered enough?

Now, that is life.

That is reality.

Love being trampled in the dirt.

I take it things didn't go so well with
this Ashley Pfister.

What, didn't you like her?

Of course I liked her.

She is everything I ever dreamed of.

Except she is stupid.

Mr. C, I offered her everything and she turned me down.

So, you try again.

Oh, no.

This girl gets one shot at the brass ring.

Now, look, Fonzie, this girl to me sounds different.

Now, you got to stop snapping your fingers
and call her up and ask her out for some coffee.

You got to start from square one like a normal person.

Start at square one?

He dates girls at square one.

And do you see him with a girl now?

All right.

Look, Fonz, I think your pride is getting in the way
of a, uh... of the type of relationship you're looking for.

And I don't have a date because it's Sunday night.

Will you quit moping around here and go call her up?

You know, you guys are something.

You're acting like this girl means something to me.

I laugh at that.

She's in the archives, huh?

Let me tell you something.

I am now going out and I am going to have some fun.

You understand that?

Right.

It is Sunday night, you know.

Oh, gee.

Hey, Fonz, what do you think?

What's with the suit?

Your vice president is meeting with the accountant today.

You like it?

I stole it from my brother.

Oh, is your brother a little person, too?

No, he's seven.

Yeah, well, you look great.

Just keep me out of jail, all right?

Okay.

Then why don't you just play with your
split ends or something?

Oh, I know where you're going.

Hi, you must be the accountant.

I'm Clarence Hartley, executive vice president.

Nice to meet you.

All right, time is money.

Let's get started.

You know, we're getting...

Clarence.

I'm in a meeting.

Get over here.

Why didn't you tell me that he was a she?

You're going to beat me up over a pronoun?

The fact of the matter is, you're executive vice president.

Let's not waste the suit.

Why don't you take Roxanne anywhere?

Wow, what a company.

Give me five.

Nice hair.

Nice knees.

Well, I certainly hope that you got your
refrigerator fixed.

Look, I don't know who you are or why you are following me,
but if you don't stop, I will have the owner throw you out.

That's going to be a little difficult to
do because I am the owner.

I haven't said this to you before,
but my name is Arthur Fonzarelli.

I would appreciate it if we kept this on a
strictly business level, Mr. Fonzarelli.

Call me Fonzie.

Fonzie?

Yeah.

Let go of my hand.

And maybe you should get someone else to handle it.

Oh, no, I think we're doing just great.

You know, uh, Miss Pfister, I am very, very sorry
that I barged into your apartment, uh, yesterday.

This might sound very old-fashioned, but, uh, here it goes.

I would like the honor of calling you on
the telephone and asking you out to a

movie, an indoor one, at which time I will
wear a wonderful sport jacket, 100% wool.

And, uh, we would start from, uh...

Square one.

I don't think so.

I asked you nicely, didn't I?

I mean, is it gonna k*ll you to go out with me once?

Look, I met a guy like you once.

In fact, I married him.

But he never grew up.

He never took responsibility.

And one day, he just took off without me, and I
do not intend to make the same mistake twice.

I dig that.

I understand that.

Now, I am very sorry that you met and
married a bum, but I am not he.

I mean, if I had a wife and a daughter,
I would not run out on them.

And you want to talk about responsibility?

I am a pillar.

We're talking pillar.

I am nothing like your ex-husband.

Really?

Yeah.

What kind of a motorcycle do you ride?

A beautiful Harley.

You are exactly like him.

Look, I think I can do the rest of this at home.

Look, Miss Pfister, I understand that I
might look like your ex-husband on the

exterior, but if you took some time and you wanted
to look inside, you would see I was a little different.

When I saw you on the escalator,
you know, at Meklis, and our eyes met,

I'm telling you, I saw somebody who was
looking for somebody.

How, you might ask.

Because every morning when I look in the
mirror, I see somebody looking for somebody.

And perhaps, just perhaps, we are looking for each other.

You're never gonna know unless you take
the chance, Miss Pfister.

Goodbye, Mr. Fonzarelli.

I will mail these back to you.

Oh, just in case I have any questions, you
could take me out for a little dinner Friday.

A little one, no hors d'oeuvres.

See you Friday.

I'm very much looking forward to this, Miss Pfister.

Last year.

Though you think that you've got troubles,
well, trouble's a bubble, so tell old Mr.

Trouble to get lost.

Next year.

The 2004 TV Land Awards, coming in March.

Almost there.

A little more.

Look, Dad, a quarter.

Ah!

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Guess.

It's about time to leave, right?

Am I right?

Am I right?

I mean, is it that time to leave?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

We had coffee.

We did.

We talked.

Yeah.

It was nice.

I never had anybody say nice to me before.

Then again, I never had anybody say
goodnight at the door before.

Can I see you tomorrow night again?

Can I think about it?

I'll give you ten seconds.

One, two... I have to get up early.

Can I say yes now?

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Just a minute.

Yo.

Am I kidding?

Goodbye, gray sky, hello, blue.

Stay tuned for The Brady Bunch.

It's Susan Olsen's most embarrassing episode.

She dresses up like Shirley Temple and
sings The Good Ship Lollipop.

It might have worked in Season


Stay tuned.

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