09x03 - Not with My Mother, You Don't

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

All right, everybody, here we go.

Let's see now.

I got a BLT for you.

I got an omelet for you, huh?

I got a tuna melt for you and a cheeseburger, huh?

Mine like a steel trap.

Oh, yeah?

Well, from now on, it's a buffet.

Oh, watch it, Joanie.

Hot stuff.

You're not carrying anything, Al.

I was talking about myself.

Hey, hi, blue eyes.

Hi.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm going on my break.

Make it a short one, Chachi.

Oh, before I forget, remind your mother
that dinner's at 7.30 tomorrow.

I can't come tomorrow.

I got to work.

Oh, no, no.

You're not invited.

You see, my folks wanted to see your mother without you.

You know, they just wanted to show her
that they like her for herself.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, my mama liked that.

Yeah, they were real thrilled that she was free.

Free?

That's a laugh.

That's all she is, is free.

A couple of nights a week, she goes
shopping, but that's it.

You know what I mean?

You know what her big night is?

What?

Friday.

She sings along with Mitch.

I.

Gotta get out of here.

See you later.

Wait a minute.

Get over here.

Hi, short kid.

Hi, Fonz.

What's the rush?

Well, I gotta go pick up the Turkey from mom.

We're having your Aunt Louisa over for
dinner tomorrow night.

Hey, that's great.

Tomorrow night, I'm free till 9.

Tell your parents I like those mixed
vegetables, cracked in butter.

I love that a lot.

I'm sorry, but you weren't invited.

Also, the deep dish pie.

Apple pie.

What'd she just say to me?

You're not invited.

And neither am I.

Who cares?

We're talking about me.

I guess it's one of those adult dinners.

What one of mine?

Baby Snooks?

What about the party?

All right, chaps, let's get down to business here, huh?

Now, you know, it's always been my policy that when one of
my girls has a birthday, I give her a special date, right?

But I got so confused, so I had Bobbi,
you know, for my class, make me a date.

But I'm going to give you this little chart here.

Now, when a girl's birthday comes up,
she's got her own little square.

I'm prepared, right?

That's a great idea.

Like a Boy Scout.

All right.

Fonz, can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

What happens if four birthdays come up on the same day?

What do you do?

Say what?

There's four names in this square.

Let me see that.

Yeah, and they're all for Saturday night.

I can't have four birthday girls in one night.

I only got one set of hats.

I'm going on the phone now.

I'm going to straighten this out.

Let's put it there.

Okay.

Charge.

Lock up for me, will you?

I think I'm going to go home.

Oh, sure, Al.

Big night planned?

Big night, big deal.

Just going to go home to the old apartment
and soak my comb.

Well, it's been a week.

Then I'll change the cheese in the mousetrap.

And I'll bring my diary up to date.

I don't have to write.

I just put little ditto marks.

Wish there was something I could do.

Yeah, I don't know.

Al, how would you like to do something else tonight?

Anything would be a welcome change.

All right.

How would you like to take out my mother?

Huh?

Your mother?

Yeah, Al.

Are you talking about your mother?

Yes.

A date with your mother?

Oh, Al, not a date.

My mother doesn't date.

You could just keep each other company.

You don't have to think of someplace nice to take her.

I mean, I'm going to have to make reservations.

I can't pick her up in the truck.

Maybe I'll rent a car.

That's it.

I'll rent a car.

Maybe I better call her up.

I should tell her my intentions.

Oh, no, Al, just pop over there.

You should not do anything.

That's good.

That's good.

Al, would you calm down?

Repeat after me, all right?

It's no big thing.

It's no big thing.

Just friends.

Just friends.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks a lot, Al.

Okay, thanks a lot.

Clarence, I got a date tonight.

I am home.

Me too.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Potsie.

Look, Potsie, let me go over this just one more time.

You see, when we lock up the store,
I go to my house, you go to your house,

and we don't see each other till the next working day.

Is that clear?

I can't do that, Mr. C.

I still owe you time.

I'm supposed to work till 6 O'clock.

I'm not gonna cheat you.

Please, cheat me, cheat me.

Look, Potsie, the day is over.

The store is closed.

There's nothing left to do but to have dinner.

Great, I miss lunch, making deliveries.

Great working for you.

Oh, good.

Marion, he is driving me crazy.

Wait, hi, Dad.

Hi.

You know that he hangs on to me all day long?

He's coming over early in the morning
because he wants us to shave together.

He likes you.

And you know he has never been close to his own father.

Yeah, I suppose so.

But look, Louisa's coming over here
tonight, and he just invited himself to dinner.

Well, I'll just uninvite him.

Come on, gently.

You don't know how to handle these things, huh?

Well, hello, Warren.

Oh, Mrs. C., you look beautiful.

Oh, you're such a sweet boy.

Listen, about dinner tonight.

Oh, it smells wonderful.

You know, at my house, my parents would let
me smell the food, but they wouldn't let me eat it.

Potsie.

Well, sometimes on holidays, they'd let
me have a little, you know, after they finished.

Potsie.

I was 15 before I realized a baked potato
was more than just skin.

We're going to have mashed potatoes tonight.

Ah, Joanie, would you set another place at the table?

Clarence, you know that diet I've been on for the
last two years will bring me all the food I haven't eaten.

How?

Why are you dressed like that?

And where have you been all day?

Where have I been all day?

Where have I been all day?

I've been home watching television.

That's where I've been.

Tried watching Concentration, but my mind kept wandering.

So I kept eating, eating, eating.

That's why I'm here.

I ran out of food.

Are you sick?

Oh, I'm sick.

I'm sick.

I'm sick at heart.

Your mother ripped it up in little pieces.

Am I blue?

Of course I'm blue.

What are you talking about?

I heard my mother come home late last night.

She must have had a good time, you devil.

Maybe she had a good time, but not with me, Chachi.

Once again, Al Delvecchio played the fool.

Chachi, why'd you push me through all this?

Why?

You are like the son I never wanted.

Oh, please.

You're not making any sense.

Now calm down.

It makes sense.

It makes sense.

All right, I went home last night, I got dressed.

Uh-huh.

After shave, lotion, powder, deodorant,
derby, you name it, I put it on.

What happened?

I was driving over to your place with my
new suit in a rented car.

I could see my whole future changing.

First one date and two dates, then constant
companionship, then I'd take her home to meet my mother.

You'd get married by my brother,
the priest, Father Delvecchio.

I'd be your father.

And my brother, the father, would be your uncle.

Al, please, will you just go on with the story?

Well, all right, so I took her some flowers and
some candy and I asked her to go out with me.

And?

And?

And?

And why?

And some guy came in the two and off together on a date.

What guy?

What guy?

What guy?

What do I know?

A date, her boyfriend.

All I know, they left me standing like a
side order of spinach nobody ordered.

Al, Al, Al.

I know, I know.

You should have warned me, Chachi.

Are you trying to tell me that my mother has a boyfriend?

Mm-hmm.

All this time she's been lying to me?

You know, it's a good thing I asked you to
go over there last night, or else I'd

still be in the dark about this whole thing.

You know what I'm going to do, Al?

I'm going down into Cunningham's and I'm
going to get to the bottom of this.

I'm feeling good.

I'm taking new once-a-day well-return exercises.

An antidepressant with a low risk of sexual side effects.

Well-B-Trin XL effectively treats depression
with a low risk of sexual side effects.

Well-B-Trin XL works for my depression.

And new Well-B-Trin XL has the convenience
of a once-a-day pill.

Well-B-Trin XL is not for everyone.

If you take Well-B-Trin XL, there is a
risk you may have a seizure.

Do not use if you have or have had a
seizure or eating disorder.

Or, if you take an MAOI, Zyban,
or other medicines that contain bupropion,

you should not take Well-B-Trin XL if you are
abruptly stopping the use of alcohol or sedatives.

When used with a nicotine patch or alone, there is a
risk of increased blood pressure, sometimes severe.

To reduce risk of serious side effects, tell
your doctor if you have liver or kidney problems.

Other side effects may include dry mouth,
nausea, and difficulty sleeping.

I'm feeling like myself again.

Ask your doctor about new once-a-day Well-B-Trin XL.

Effectively treats depression with a low risk of sexual
side effects and the convenience of a once-a-day pill.

On the Style Network, we do things a little differently.

They think the latest fashion should cost big bucks.

We show you the same look for less.

They have a designer redo your room.

We have your ex.

They have a stylist offer suggestions.

We have an expert judge and jury give you
a fabulous makeover.

The Style Network, where life gets a new look.

I'm Tyler Harcott.

Watch Guess Who's Coming to Decorate,
Mondays only on the Style Network.

So what do you like to eat?

Cereal.

Pizza.

Candy.

Chocolate chips.

Hamburgers.

Let me just try something.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jonathan.

Cookies.

What do you think of Campbell's chicken noodle?

I think it's good.

Clearly.

I might get Campbell's instead.

I got you!

I'm glad you're here.

Of course, I mean, I told you I'd be here.

What's the matter?

The matter?

Oh, nothing's the matter.

I guess it's okay for a son to find out
about his mother's affairs on the street.

Affairs?

Now, Chachi, I'm sorry you found out about Walter the
way you did, but that was a perfectly respectable date.

Oh, really?

Well, it's not the way I heard it.

The way it was described to me, this
guy must be some kind of low-life deadbeat.

We will talk about this at home.

Well, I'm not going home now, and I probably never will.

I wonder where he's going.

Marion!

Look, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all.

This situation with Chachi is very difficult.

Oh, I understand.

Really, I'm a psychology major.

It's a form of anxiety neurosis.

For years, you've been avoiding personal
relationships for fear of upsetting the

family emotional balance, which is
compounded by the lack of a father figure.

Now, you don't want to bring anyone new into this
family environment for fear of causing trauma to your son.

That's exactly it.

What do you suggest I do?

About what?

I made a jerk out of myself tonight at the Cunninghams.

In front of Joanie, the parents, Potsie.

Potsie was there?

Yes.

You see, Fonz, my mother's going out with this guy.

Potsie was invited to this dinner that I
was not invited to?

Yeah, Fonz.

Look, I found out that my mother's going out with this guy.

Was Potsie at the table eating?

Yes!

Can you forget about Potsie for a minute?

I don't think I can.

I'm going to try.

All right.

All right.

Potsie was at this dinner.

I was invited.

All right, go ahead, go ahead.

When I tell you what my mother's been
doing, you won't believe it.

It'll curl your hair.

Woo!

My mother, your aunt, is dating a guy.

Yeah, Walter.

Yeah, Walter.

You know him?

I set him up.

You set up my mother with some crumb bump?

Hey, you watch your tongue there, cousin.

This crumb bump happens to be a big deal.

Yeah, that's right.

Dr. Walter Danzig.

Very nice guy.

I was fixing his car.

We were talking.

He's nice.

I fixed him up with your mother.

They get along.

The rest is history.

Now, I was going to tell you, but she said she wanted to.

Well, she didn't.

Well, she will.

And this is why you went over to
Cunningham's and made a fool out of yourself.

Yeah.

Was Potsie actually sitting at the table?

Father.

Father, what do you think they do on dates?

Come on, they do what adults do.

It's an adult relationship.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

Just two adults having an adult good time.

Reading, watching TV, playing charades.

No kissing, right?

Chachi, I said adults, not dead.

I hate this guy.

Why?

Because.

Because why?

Because I hate him.

Hey, you don't judge somebody because
you've been in their boots.

You meet him first, then hate him.

Are you kidding me?

I can't meet with a guy who won't level with me.

So just give me a lollipop and send me on my way.

You know what a blithering idiot is?

Yes.

You're beginning to blither.

Look, if I get any calls from my birthday girls,
you just tell them I'm busy making their cakes.

I'm up to my elbows in mocha, right?

I'm taking a break.

Why?

Because Potsie Weber was eating my vegetables!

So, Mrs. Klein, how are you doing?

Dr. Danzig said I'm due any day now, and I can't wait.

I'm so conspicuous.

Oh, no, you look beautiful.

Are you kidding?

I'm as big as a house.

Not at all.

Listen, when you go downstairs, take the freight elevator.

Hi, I'm Chachi.

I'm Smith, 4 O'clock.

Right on time.

Where's the patient?

Hmm?

Where's the patient?

Right here.

I'm the patient.

Look, kid, I think you got the wrong place.

No, I don't.

My own doctor suggested I come here.

Now, may I see Dr. Danzig, please?

Go on in.

Thank you.

Hello, I'm Dr. Danzig.

Hi, I'm Chachi.

I'm Dr. Danzig Smith.

Where's the patient?

Again.

Why does everybody keep saying that?

I'm the patient.

This is so difficult.

Yes, I'm not surprised.

Yeah.

Let's get on with this.

Are you really here on a medical matter?

Absolutely.

You realize I'm an obstetrician.

I deliver babies.

I've got bad news for you.

You're not having one.

Boy, that's a load off my mind.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, hey.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Did you say your name was Chachi?

Yeah.

Yeah.

As in Chachi Arcola?

How'd you know?

Chachi is not a very common name.

Look, I've been looking forward to meeting you.

I thought that you and I might go to a
ball game or something.

Why'd you lie about your name?

All right, I'll be honest.

I came down here because I wanted to check you out.

All right.

Go ahead.

Is this the part where I get the pat on
the head and the lollipop?

Listen, if you have a few minutes to wait, I
think I can get this thing all straightened out.

Oh, sure.

I got nowhere else to go.

That's the spirit.

So, look, make yourself at home, read a magazine.

Hiya, Chachi.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Walter called me.

He was worried about you.

Oh, isn't he sweet?

Yeah, he is sweet, Chachi.

Come on.

Now, you be honest.

You met him and you talked to him.

What do you think?

Oh, he's not ugly.

He's not short.

He's not stupid.

Mm-hmm.

I guess he's a fairly decent guy.

Okay.

I hate him!

Chachi, there's no reason for you to hate him.

I'm entitled to an opinion, all right?

Or are you going to yell at me again like you
did at the Cunninghams for giving an opinion?

I yelled at you for humiliating me.

Oh, really?

Well, what do you call what you did to my friend Al, huh?

I didn't know he was coming over.

And I didn't know you were going out with this Walter guy.

You know, if somebody walked in here,
they'd never know we loved each other.

Oh.

Chachi, look.

You're right about one thing.

I should have told you about Walter when
he first asked me out.

But I was afraid I was going to make an unpleasant scene.

And instead, I made things worse.

Chachi.

It would be nice if you liked Walter.

But the important thing is that I like Walter.

Chachi, you're not a little boy.

You're a big boy.

You're a grown-up.

Pretty soon, you're going to start having
a life of your own.

I need a life.

Don't you think I'm entitled to one?

Oh.

Mom, I want you to be happy.

It's just that I picture you with this guy.

He's not dead.

I know.

That was hard for me to accept also.

Chachi took me a lot of years.

But I finally had to do it.

You got to do it too.

It's not going to be easy for me.

You try?

Yeah.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Look at that face.

Whoa, is that a face.

Come on.

I'll take you.

I'll make you some ravioli.

Did I spend money on you, Ma?

What do you want?

Seats.

Ask me about my dates.

You don't tell me.

You'll make me raviolis, right?

Not cheese.

Of course, me raviolis.

What kind of mother do you think I am?

A great one, Ma.

Now there's a new way to help give your
baby every advantage.

Introducing Good Start Supreme DHA and ARA.

The only formula designed for baby's brain
and eye development.

And with comfort proteins that are broken
down to be easy to digest.

No other formula does more.

New Nestle Good Start Supreme DHA and ARA.

It's the good start that'll last a lifetime.

For more information and a free gift,
visit very best baby.com slash gift.

It's the JCPenney Last Big Saturday Sale.

Saturday only, save 20 to 60% off great gifts
store-wide, plus incredible door busters starting at 7 A.M.

Or give JCPenney gift cards the perfect last-minute gift.

It's all the inside.

JCPenney.

JCPenney.

What's the hot new thing in active wear?

The Bengay Pain Relieving Patch.

It's what everyone's wearing to get deep-heating
relief in a patch that lasts up to eight hours.

Try on the new Bengay Pain Relieving Patch.

It's what's hot in pain relief.

And the trick, of course, is in the marinade.

Bum wrap.

Foiled again.

Yoo-hoo, Mario.

Have you tried new Glad Press and Seal Wrap?

It's a whole new way to store food.

Just pull, place, and press.

Oh.

New Glad Press and Seal Wrap helps prevent freezer burn.

Even makes custom bags.

And creates a spill-proof seal on just about anything.

Kibwono.

Motobono.

Don't get mad.

Get new Glad Press and Seal Wrap.

I can assure you the bank's closing costs
are very competitive.

I'll just open these blinds to let in a little extra life.

Save big money on lender closing costs with the $395.

$395 Dytek One Fee.

That's impossible.

The $395 Dytek One Fee.

Why pay more?

Lost another loan to Dytek.

Log on to Dytek.com or call 1-800-DIYTEK-1.

Do you ever hear this from your child?

I'm not reading anymore.

I don't want to read.

I don't like to read.

Then it's time to help your child become a
more confident reader.

I felt terrible for her.

I was frustrated.

She was frustrated.

Hooked on Phonics can help with reading
solutions for children of any age.

With Hooked on Phonics, your child's
confidence will grow, and you'll be giving

them every chance to succeed in the future.

I was so overwhelmed at the difference in her reading.

I was almost, not to be dramatic, but
brought to tears at how well she improved.

Call 1-800-ABC-DEFG today.

In four weeks, your child will be a better
reader, guaranteed.

And get proven results with programs for kids.

From preschool to high school.

And help your child achieve their full potential.

Have your credit card ready and call 1-800-ABC-DEFG
in the next 10 minutes to get your child started for $59.95.

And find out about free shipping.

Don't delay.

Call now.

All right, I'll take care of that.

Anything more to drink?

No, thanks very much.

So, Dottie, didn't you have a great time, huh?

Yes, this is the best birthday I've ever had.

But it was so fast.

Yeah, but I'm going to see you real soon, huh?

Next year, if not sooner, huh?

You know, you're going to look so strange
walking in the street with this, aren't you, huh?

Oh, but, Fonz, I really wanted something
to remember this night by.

Well, then, take this home.

And good night to you, Dottie.

All right, as we say, happy birthday to you.

All right, great to see you.

Okay, great.

You say you're very proud.

All right.

Here she comes, ready?

Right.

All right.

How are you?

Yes, indeed.

Welcome to your little special birthday table.

Pat, so nice to see you.

You look very pretty on your birthday.

You're all aglow.

There you go.

Oh, you're so cute, huh?

Huh?

Here we go.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday.

Dear Samantha, happy birthday to you.

Next on The Brady Bunch, the family
resemblances are astounding.

Carol looks exactly like her grandmother,
and Mike just like his grandfather.

You've really got to see it to believe it.

Stay tuned for episode 93.

You're never too old.