04x30 - The Substitute Teacher

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons Starring Fred McMurray And
as Bub, William Frawley And of course,

one of the most important dates of all,
I have failed to put down.

One more paper airplane out of view,
Mr. Pepitone, and you'll have a one-way,

all-expense-paid trip to the principal's office.

Now, in the year 1066, what battle occurred?

Yes, Miss Lewis?

The Battle of Hastings?

Correct.

This, then, was the beginning of the fusion of
French and English into the language we know today.

For if we were to use English as it was
spoken before the French influence,

it would be a much more guttural and less
expressive language.

Now, there are many everyday words that
come to us from the French.

One more minute to go.

If we can keep her talking, we won't have any homework.

These are a few words that have origins other than French.

Mr. Clay, I think Mr. Douglas would
appreciate it if your foot was elsewhere.

Foot is definitely not French.

Man, she must have a mirror up there.

Never mind that.

Keep her talking.

Uh, Miss Proctor?

Is it okay if we take notes on some of these words?

Why, yes, Mr. Robinson.

I think that would be an excellent idea.

You'll find as you grow older that the
study of word derivations is fascinating.

You will also find that Latin is
far from a dead language, for

it spawned many of the other
languages that are in use today.

Your assignment for tomorrow is on page 29 and 30.

We'll write a short essay on what you have read.

And, uh, please, give me some opinions of
your own, not those of your parents.

Class dismissed.

I don't think it'll be too tough to write the essay, Rob.

I think the derivation of words is very interesting.

Yeah, well, uh, she said when we got old
we'd get to like him.

No, no, no, sir.

I think Mrs. Proctor's a leprechaun or something.

Well, it's just that she's been around so
long she knows all the tricks of the trade.

No, really, Dad, when I was in her class
we used to call her the Cyclops.

She sounds pretty formidable.

Chip, uh, you haven't eaten your dinner tonight, Dad.

Something wrong?

Something happened down at school?

How come everybody always asks me if something happened down
at school every time I don't eat something or something?

Maybe he's in love.

I am not.

Can't a new girl come to school without
everybody acting so dumb about it?

She's in trouble for me.

Unless it's Chip's new girlfriend.

Oh!

Boy, when I get older and get my muscles,
I'm gonna tie his feet around his head.

Bob, this is, uh, good pudding.

Thanks.

I slammed it together with some mods and
I'm gonna I found her out here.

Woo-hoo!

Well, he's either delighted about something
or he's choked himself with the phone cord.

I don't care if you ask about her anyway
because I hate her.

You, uh, hate who, Chip?

Sally Lou Emerson.

See the new girl?

Yeah.

She sits two seats away from me and I get sick
to my stomach every time I look at her clunky face.

She sounds terrible.

She's got this long yellow hair that hangs
down like a movie star.

She's got these goofy green eyes.

Hey, guess who just broke her leg?

Who?

Old lady Proctor.

Well, Rob, I don't like your being happy
about a thing like this.

I don't think it's very funny.

Well, it's just a simple fracture, Dad.

Anyway, she won't be able to see school for a little while.

Well, she probably needs the rest.

Now go around there and sit down.

We were just talking about a young lady
with goofy green eyes.

I don't want to talk to her.

Chip, come here.

Rob.

Let her go.

Yep.

Well, don't look so happy.

It might be a man.

Who cares?

Anything's better than witch doctor Proctor.

You know, he used to be a history teacher.

No problem.

He's a pretty good guy.

Hey,

she's going up to the desk.

You mean that's the new teacher?

You're right.

I'm going to be taking Mrs. Proctor's
place for the next few weeks.

My name is Mark...

is Mrs... Miss Tinsley.

Man, her diploma isn't even dry yet.

I have a list of your names here, but while that...

that seems so impersonal, I'd like to ask you to put
your names down on slips of paper and pass them forward.

Please.

Oh, uh...

along with your names, why don't you put
down your interests and your...

your hobbies so that I can get you to know
you a little better.

Is that line or plain paper, Miss Tinkley?

Tinsley, either will do.

Mr. uh... Mr. Finn, Mr. Mickey Finn?

Is Mr. Finn here?

I wrote down his name, Miss Tinkley.

Tinsley.

Yes, ma'am.

Um, uh, Mike Finn won't be here today.

His mother told me to tell you that he
just can't keep anything in his stomach.

Oh.

Thank you.

Hey, Mike.

You want to hear about a loose skull?

Who's that?

This was her first assignment.

A real nothing, huh?

Yeah.

We played that Mickey Finn gag on her.

She never did catch on.

Oh, no.

Honest?

Nobody could be that stupid.

This one is.

Victor Peppleton.

Hiya, Squirt.

How's your sweetheart Little May Beauregard?

Why don't you Why don't you Why don't you
Hey, what's got into you, Chip?

Chip?

All right, all right.

Break it up, you wigs.

Get out.

Get that out.

Do you hear me?

Now, listen, you two guys.

The next time I catch you fighting with this little
fella, I'm going to clamp a hammer lock on you.

Do you hear me?

Chip, you come on with me.

What do you mean fighting with your big brother?

Beating him over the head with books?

Don't you know books cost money?

Don't you use your feet?

I understand Mrs. Proctor allowed one of
the class officers to take the role every

day, so if the president will do that,
I'll proceed with yesterday's assignment.

Now, reviewing chapter 17... Miss Dinsley, Gil
always gets to do everything because he's the president.

What Mrs. Proctor didn't know is, well, a
vice president feels kind of like he's left out.

Oh?

Well, Robbie would have said something,
but he's too kind of self-conscious.

Well, it's all right with me, Miss
Dinsley, if Robbie wants to take the role.

Well, I'm sure it's fine if Robbie wants
to take the role, but which one is Robbie?

He's right there.

Oh, Robbie Douglas.

Would you like to take the role, Robbie?

Well, yeah, I guess I'd be all right.

Sure, go ahead, Robbie.

Gil won't mind.

Of course I won't.

I mean, if I ever get sick or anything,
you ought to know how to do it.

Gee, do I get to take the attendance sheet
to the office and everything?

Of course you may.

Now, class, if you'll open your books to chapter 17.

See, Rob, you start right here where it says Alice Brandon,
and then you end up here where it says Harold Wadsley.

I see.

Well, what happens if somebody's absent?

I mean, I don't get it.

You put an X in right here in this little square.

I think that's enough discussion about the Roll Boys.

Now, Gil, will you please...

Please take your seat.

Class, will you please turn to Chapter 17?

Uh, Miss Tinsley?

Yes, Gil?

This is a wonderful thing you're doing for Robbie.

Thank you.

Chapter 17, The Norman Invasion.

Excuse me, I wonder, is Alice Brandon present today?

Robbie, do you think you could do that
without disturbing us?

As I was saying, page 187.

And if Harold Bingland hadn't had to split his forces, then
William the Conqueror probably would have got wiped out.

Thank you, Michael.

Now, class... Oh, and another thing, if
William didn't have to wait for these, uh, favorable

winds, then he'd have probably got there earlier
and Harold would have wiped him out for sure.

Excellent, Michael.

Now, class, as... Oh, I got more if
you'd like to hear it, Miss Tinsley.

I know, and I'm very pleased, but we only
have a short time before the bell,

and I'd like to give you tomorrow's assignment.

Now.

Gosh, I studied awfully hard.

Uh, I'd like to hear it.

Well, please tell it as quickly as you can.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, anyhow, William had to stay over in Normandy
a couple months waiting for these favorable winds.

We tried a couple of times to get out,
but the storm was really murderous.

Class, just... just a minute, please.

Class.

Now, now.

Here, I brought you some soup.

Oh, no thanks, Mrs. Drake.

Oh, now, nothing's worth getting that upset about.

Come on, have some soup.

Why are they doing this to me?

What have I done to them?

Well, you never told me exactly what the
children have been doing.

What?

Oh, I feel, I feel I can't go to that school anymore.

I, I feel like quitting.

Well, good.

Maybe you should go and find yourself a
job where they'll really appreciate you.

No, I'm not, I'm not going to let those
boys get that satisfaction.

I don't care if they laugh.

I don't care if they tell jokes.

I don't care if they make a fool of me.

You mean, after two weeks, you guys are
still getting away with that jazz?

Yeah.

And she hasn't figured it out yet.

Back in my time, we used to reroute the
trolley tracks so they came right into the girl's gym.

Rob, uh, what were you saying a minute ago
about your teacher?

And she doesn't know which end is up.

So?

Today, Jay made out like he fended because
she gave him an F on his test.

So we had to take him to the nurse's office.

Did it ever occur to you fellas that this
woman might have feelings?

Yeah, what's the matter with you guys?

Oh, now, wait a minute, Bub.

You were just telling us about trolley tracks, remember?

That was 40 years ago when everybody was stupid.

No, Dad, we didn't mean anything.

Rin Tin Tinsley doesn't know what's going on, honest.

Tinsley?

Not Martha Tinsley?

Yeah, Martha Tinsley.

Well, she was a senior when I was a freshman in college.

And she's a darn nice girl.

Well, Mark, I didn't say she wasn't.

Listen, if you g*ons have nothing better
to do than to pick on a nice girl like

Martha Tinsley, you're nothing but a rack pack.

Mike, what's gotten into you?

We didn't do anything.

Dad, honest, not one of us got sent down
to the boys' vice principal.

Rob, do you remember the time you went to
spend a week with Uncle Lester?

Yeah.

And how the kids in the neighborhood gave you a bad time?

Yeah, they ganged up on me a little.

Yeah.

They left you out of everything,
picked on you, made fun of you,

simply because they were already a group
and you were the outsider?

If I remember correctly, you didn't like it much.

I'll say you didn't like it much.

It, he bawled himself to sleep every night.

But I was a lot younger then.

How many of you are there in the class?

Uh-huh.



Well, that makes a nice fair fight out of it.

The odds against you are only about 30 to 1.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Rob.

Why don't you put yourself in her place
and see how you'd feel?

Yeah, poor Martha.

Talk about crying yourself to sleep.

All right, okay.

You don't have to rub it in.

I just hope you're beginning to get the picture.

I think I am, Dad.

I'm sorry.

You know, you got to me, too, Steve.

I'm sorry about the streetcars and the
girls' gym and the firecrackers and the boiler.

And then there was a time when we had a hygiene teacher
and a barrel of... Bob, could I have a little more soup?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Coming right up.

What's wrong with that, Rob?

Come on, Douglas, when you get right down
to it, what have we actually done wrong?

Yeah, I know, but... Well, look, Mike
says she's not much older than he is.

As far as I'm concerned, he's an old man.

Why don't you try putting yourself at her place?

From now on, you can just count me out of the deal.

I.

Think the president should do it like he's supposed to.

Very well.

Dad.

Yeah, Chip, where are you?

Over here.

Oh.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Well, sure, Chip.

In here?

All right.

What's on your mind?

You want to sit down?

What is it, Chip?

Well, would it be dumb if a kid that I know that
was my age didn't mind if a girl started to talk to him?

Well, let me get this straight, Chip.

You're trying to tell me that you, uh, you have a
friend who, uh, doesn't mind if girls talk to him?

Well, not girls.

One girl.

I see.

And, uh, he sort of likes this girl and, uh, he
wonders if maybe something's wrong with him, huh?

Yeah.

This kid told me he feels sort of goofy about it.

And he wonders if he should go see one of those
doctors that just talked to you like they have on TV.

Uh, psychiatrists.

Well, Chip, I don't think that'll be necessary.

You see, this feeling your friend has is
quite common in fellas your age.

Uh, his age.

Yes?

Oh, sure.

Tell me, does he feel sort of let down if
she doesn't show up for school one day?

I mean, if she's absent?

Yeah.

He sort of likes it when she picks him to
be on her spelling bee team.

Junk like that.

That could be it.

But, uh, I'll tell you, Chip, tell your
friend there's really nothing to worry

about because, as I say, this sort of
thing happens all the time.

Oh, swell.

I mean, I'll tell him.

Thanks, Dan.

Chip, where's Dad?

In there.

Oh, Dad.

Oh, hi, Rob.

Um, do you suppose I could talk to you for a minute?

Oh, sure, sure.

In here, do you think?

Okay.

Now, uh, what's on your mind?

Uh, Dad, have a seat.

Dad, uh, I did a real sort of a Benedict Arnold thing.

And you want to You want me to be the
voice of your conscience, hmm?

Oh, yeah.

Of course.

Well, I, I got to thinking of what you said.

But the guys just wouldn't go along with it.

I didn't really think they would, Rob.

Anyway, that's when I did this thing.

Dad, if the guys ever find out, I'm, I'm washed out.

What did you do?

I got to feeling sorry for Rin Tin,
for Miss Tin's and so I went over to Mrs.

Proctor's house.

Oh?

Why'd you go over there?

I thought maybe she might have some ideas
on how to help her.

Well, did she have any ideas?

Well, yeah.

But now I, I feel kind of creepy about it.

Well, Rob, I wouldn't feel creepy about it.

I think trying to help Miss Tin's is a
very nice thing for you to do.

You do that?

Yes, and stop worrying about it.

Okay.

Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm looking for a Miss Tinsley.

I'm Martha Tinsley.

Oh, no wonder those little demons.

You're much younger than I expected.

May I come in?

I'm Mrs. Proctor.

Yes, I am, dear.

And tonight I'm going to teach you a few tricks
that have took me 40 years of teaching to acquire.

Tricks?

Magic tricks.

Ledger domain on the care and handling of
high-spirited students.

You don't call me witch Dr. Proctor for nothing.

Sit down, my dear.

This is going to take a little longer than you think.

Now, lesson number one.

So 1492 has become just numbers.

Few people realize that a whole new world was opening up.

Can anybody tell me what continental
coastline Columbus approached in 1498?

Yes, Miss Lewis?

Venezuela.

Correct.

As far as we know, Columbus had no idea of
the vastness of the territory he was discovering.

Mr. Reed, you can pick that up and we'll
deposit your gum in the way of his

waste basket because he was searching for a
way to be in this.

Hey, what's with her?

Many others tried to find a shortcut to
India, including Henry Hudson,

who thought he had found a way which led
through what is now called Hudson's Bay,

which has some resemblance to Gilclay's
Big Feet, which belong on the floor.

I'm sure the people of Columbus's day were just as excited
about their new world as we are about going to the planets.

Yes, Victor?

I have an uncle in the Air Force who says
we're going to be on Mars in 10 years.

That's very interesting.



Let's keep her talking.

Yes, there's nothing I'd like more than to
see our future in the hands of young people.

We're going to bring in an essay tomorrow
on Columbus's first and second journeys,

chapter 22, page 212.

Well, I'll see you all tomorrow.

Hello, Chipper.

Well, did you have a good time?

Great.

Monsters and cowboys.

Sally Lugo.

I got scared of the monsters, so I had to hold her hand.

Then we ran out of popcorn and I went up
there to get some more and I met Ernie.

Then me and Ernie went running up and down the
aisles and yelling and sh**ting back at the cowboys.

Then we met Porky Marcus and we chased him for a while.

Then the show was over and we came home.

Oh, my gosh.

What's the matter?

I love Sally Lugo at the theater.

Well, I guess I won't have to fight him
for the phone for a while.

Coming up later, we'll award you an Oscar and a
Tony in an Emmy-winning show, The Odd Couple.

Catch back-to-back episodes starting at
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