04x24 - Stage Door Bub

[bunniefuu]

My son, starring Fred McMurray,
and as far as I can remember, my son,

starring Fred McMurray.

And as Bob.

From TV Land, it's Donna Reed, followed by.

My.

My pal.

Wait a minute.

Where are you going?

I came over here looking for Thelma Wilson.

Keep your voice down.

This person's on stage.

Now, wait a minute.

I was the headliner in this business while they
were still measuring you for square underwear.

Keep your voice down.

Hey, what's going on here?

All right, all right, I'll go.

Oh, don't worry about this.

This is just a stage prop.

What's going on here?

I was just telling him I came over here to
see Thelma Wilson.

But hey, aren't you Charlie Flex, kid?

Well, yeah, but how'd you know?

I knew it.

You're a dead ringer for him.

And you look a little bit like your mom, too.

Although, uh, she had a little bit better shape.

You knew my folks?

Sure.

I was there the day you were born,
backstage in Proctor's Newark.

Oh, Proctor's Newark.

What's your name?

Bill O'Casey.

Joe Flex.

Good.

You hear that, Pop?

You give this gentleman anything he wants.

Hey, we got a lot of talk.

But first I gotta go and get some blanks on his p*stol,
or we're gonna have a pretty lively corpse in the third act.

You be nice to him, Pop.

See you later.

You heard him, Pop.

I see whom that is, madame.

How are you, beautiful bag of bones?

What in the world are you doing here?

Wouldn't you know there'd be no letter from Uncle Fred?

I'll be right back.

Hey, you're in the business.

Do me a favor, will you?

Would you mind blowing this whistle, huh?

When Thelma crosses around the other side of the desk.

It'll be a pleasure.

Perhaps that is the postman returning with
a letter from Uncle Fred.

What are you doing?

Here, Bill.

This is my town.

I live here.

You lucky dog.

I'm afraid it was only postage, too, madame.

Hey, Bill, when the old lady stands up at
the desk, press that first button, will you?

Right, right.

Can't be the postman this time, heaven knows.

Soon they sh**t the old lady.

Oh.

That's it, let's go.

So we moved here to Bryant Park.

And Stan, what's he do?

Steve, I guess you mean.

Well, he horses around with airplanes.

Sit down, don't take your hat off.

Thanks.

Thelma, you sure have got a good.

Sure, sure.

You mean to tell me all you do
is cook for the boys and Steve

and live in a house and go to market every once in a while?

Yeah, it's m*rder.

But how about you?

Oh, I've been doing stock mostly, like now.

Every once in a while I get a shot on TV.

I did a movie a couple of years ago.

Wait a minute, it was five.

Anyway, you know the life.

That was my lunch.

That was my breakfast.

You want some?

It'll coat your stomach and keep you awake
for a week, but it's free.

I'll tell you, we're going out and get a bite
of supper, and I'm going to grab both checks.

That's the best offer I've had since the
banquet scene in Kovac.

Oh, that is.

Get out of here so I can get dressed.

All right, now.

Hurry up, will you?

Well, my dad was stuck in the floor every
time at rehearsal like it was supposed to.

But come opening night, it bounced clear off the stage, and
the whole orchestra was looking for it under their seats.

How about the time Lola McConnell took the wrong train?

You cooked this yourself?

Sure.

Right.

Right out of the box.

Tell them about Lola McConnell.

You got your own room and everything, Bub?

Sure, right there.

Hey, how about when the Rathbone sisters fell on the drum?

You boys got your own room?

Well, Chip and I sure went together.

Your dad and I and Chip and Rob have the
upstairs, and Bub has the downstairs.

That's nice.

Big deal.

Yes, sir.

You've really... Really got it good.

Come on, let's sit in the other room.

Boys, strike the dishes, will you?

I think that means clear the table.

Gee, those are great kids.

Yeah, sometimes.

Does that company you're with pay good?

Scale, you got a market close by?

Yeah, a couple of blocks.

Do you suppose they could use an extra stagehand?

Sure, only they can't afford it.

What time you get up?

Early.

Early, I got to get those kids off to school.

Do you realize what a setup like this
would mean to a woman?

Three boys, a dog, a man to see to,
a home, neighbors, gossip, it's heaven.

Are you kidding?

You've got the setup.

Applause, grease paint, laughter, I'd give
anything to... Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Like?

A mind-reading act.

Switch, what do you mean, switch?

Just what we said.

Bill will stay with the company and I'll be
gossipy old Ann Thelma over at his house.

Oh, no, Thelma, it wouldn't work.

We've got to run another week here.

And besides, who's going to play the maid?

Me.

I don't think you're built for it.

Make it a Butler.

You won't have to change a line.

No, no, Thelma.

And another thing.

In next week's show, Axe in the Wilderness,
you have to play the part of a frontier mother.

Make it a frontier father.

Father.

Swell, you got to give birth to twins in the first act.

That ain't easy.

You're the part of Marsha, and Bill can be
the colonel and Bella the South.

Come on, Joe.

It's not like you're hiring some young kid who
doesn't know anything about show business.

Well, you're hiring a guy that's
practically your godfather.

It pays equity scale.

And no drinking.

Right.

On time and no parties in the dressing room.

And everybody does everything in this company.

He knows all that jazz.

When's he starting?

Tonight.

Tonight's performance.

Why not?

Yeah, why not?

I shall see whom that is, madame.

Please don't misunderstand, Miss Wilson.

It isn't that we're not pleased that you're
here, but, uh, well, it's kind of a surprise, that's all.

I mean, why didn't Bub tell us himself?

There wasn't time.

He's in the middle of act one right now.

I know just what to do.

I played the old family retainer in A Mother's Dilemma.

Now, uh, Miss Wilson, it isn't necessary to serve us.

Oh, it's my half of it.

It's a deal.

Bill takes over my dressing room and my hotel room.

I'm supposed to sleep in there.

You give me a shopping allowance every Monday.

Oh, no, thanks.

What's the matter?

Don't you drink coffee?

Well, yes, but, uh, we usually have it after the meal.

Look, uh, Miss Wilson.

Just call me Thelma.

Kid, you can call me Aunt Thelma.

I didn't have time to cook, so I picked up
some box lunches at the Delicatessen.

I took beef sandwiches, a hard-boiled egg,
potato chips, and a slice of, uh,

a slice of, uh, rhubarb pie for dessert.

What nice manners.

You're all dying to get at those chip beef
sandwiches, and here you sit waiting for me.

Well, fellas, I guess we can get started now.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Hi, Rob.

You still up?

I'm waiting for Bub.

He's dropping by to pick up some of his clothes.

Oh.

Where's, uh, Aunt Thelma?

Yeah, I guess she wanted to see what it feels like
to get to bed before the midnight news, for a change.

You know, it's a, it's kind of a weird deal, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a weird deal.

It's going to be corrected.

Uh, Rob, you have a little, uh,
strawberry ice cream or something?

Dad, uh, don't be too rough on Bub.

Show business can really get to a guy.

I remember how it was with me when I
played Cyrano for the drama club.

Well, I can understand his wanting to get back on the stage,
Rob, but, uh, what I can't understand is his arranging.

You have a complete stranger come here
without even telling us about it.

Yeah, I guess it's kind of like Chip
moving out and sticking us with Ernie, huh?

Well, yeah, kind of.

Hey!

Hi, Bub!

Hello, Bub.

Oh, I didn't miss a cue.

And you should have heard the laugh I got
before the g*nsh*t, best of all.

Now, Bub.

They really laughed, huh, Bub?

Why, like I was at the palace.

You know what you've done, Bub?

Did you take any balance?

Well, sure, with the rest of the cast.

Oh, you've, uh, put a time of your life.

Can I come down and see you sometime?

Anytime, Robbie, anytime.

Time now, and just tell Pop I sent you.

Oh, good.

Uh, Rob, I think you'd better get to bed.

It's late.

Okay, good night.

That's great, Bub.

Good night, son.

Bub, I, uh, wish you'd talk this thing over with us.

I mean, uh, how did you know we were going to like Thelma?

And you do like her.

Well, of course we like her, don't we, Dad?

Uh, good night, Rob.

Bub, I'm sure she's a very nice woman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She is.

Steve, I never really knew just how much I'd missed it.

I can understand that, Bub.

But swapping places with... Well, I just
wish you'd talked it over with us first, that's all.

I mean, you went out and got a job,
and that's fine, Bub, if that's what you want.

We're all proud of you, but, uh...

Well, sending someone here to take your
place, someone we don't even know...

It was just like I'd never been away, Steve.

It was, huh?

Those lights, the audience, the smell of
grease paint, the laughs.

Just like the old days, huh?

Yeah.

Just like the old days, Steve.

Okay, Bub.

You're closer here in the closet.

I'll go for you.

Thanks.

I.

Had to use the burner to make the hot chocolate.

Uh, I'm Mike.

Yeah, fine, Mike.

Oh, why didn't you use the stove?

Too complicated.

Those round black things are pancakes,
and the square black stuff is toast.

Thelma cooked it all in the electric hot plate.

You know, Chip, it's impossible to cook
coffee and hot chocolate at the same time.

Oh, well, that's all right.

I'm Mike.

Fine.

Eat your pancakes, Chip.

I'm Chip.

Sorry.

Eat your pancakes, Mike.

No.

No.

Oh, my.

Explain it to her when she's awake.

You boys have enough to eat?

Oh, no more, thank you.

Good.

I'll go back to bed.

My eyes are swelling up from all this life.

Have, Thelma?

Yeah.

Where's my lunch?

Lunch?

You haven't finished breakfast.

I need my lunch for school.

Bub always makes them.

These are by the door so we don't forget it.

Wait.

You're eating a diner.

Oh, I don't need anything.

You boys shouldn't be up this early.

It's very bad for the health.

Hey, Bill, before you leave tonight, will you see
what's wrong with the door in that bedroom set?

It sticks.

Oh, and see if you can fix that squeak in
the easy chair, huh?

You want all that done tonight?

Well, sure.

It'll only take you a couple hours.

That beats sitting alone in a hotel room, doesn't it?

You got a deal.

Okay, good night.

Good night.

How many you want?

Say two.

Two.

How many you want?

Say none.

Okay, I'll stay with these.

Don't have to let him say none.

None?

What do you mean, none?

You got to draw.

This is draw poker.

You ever hear of the beer bottle bit?

What's that one?

Oh, a fella saying, sitting on a curb,
drinking one bottle of beer after the

other, and a cop comes up and says, what are you doing?

He says, I'm a lawyer.

I'm working on a case.

Oh, I don't get it.

You don't have to worry about it.

Thanks, Delma.

Thanks for all the love.

Working on a case.

You better go to bed, too, Chipper.

Okay.

Want me to put the cards away?

Oh.

Night, Aunt Delma.

Night, Dad.

Night, Dad.

Good night, Chipper.

I've got a little homework to do myself.

Night, Aunt Delma.

Night, Dad.

Good night, Chipper.

I've got a little homework to do myself.

Steve, is everything okay?

Am I doing all right?

You're doing just fine.

You don't mind the frozen dinners and everything, do you?

I still can't get the hang of four burners
all coming to a head at the same time.

You'll get on to it.

The main thing is, uh, we all like you very much.

You couldn't have said anything I wanted to hear more.

Good night, Tom.

Good night, Steve.

Hi.

My name is Robbie Douglas.

My grandfather is Bill O'Casey.

Oh, yeah.

Go on in and wait for him.

Give me a minute.

Give me a minute.

It can't be the postman this time, heaven knows.

Hi, Rob.

Heaven knows.

What a line for a red-blooded actor.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Hey, is this your dressing room, Bub?

Yeah.

Boy, this is really neat.

It's all right.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Oh, Stan, I want you to meet my grandson, Robbie.

Hi, kid.

How you doing?

Horrible.

This is my grandson, Robbie.

Hi, Rob.

Hi.

Boy, I don't see why you'd want to be an actor, Bub.

Yeah.

This stuff must really get to a guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How are things at home?

Oh, it's well.

Is Salma cooking things up for you all right?

Well, she's not the greatest cook in the
world, but we have a lot of laughs.

I'll bet you do.

Hey, Bub, when you get back from your
tour, could you give me some acting lessons?

Sure.

What does your dad think about me going on tour?

Well, he thinks it's swell, Bub, if that's what you want.

That's what I want, all right.

Well, boy, I sure don't blame you.

Oh, well, what's a good time for the party?

What party?

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

Yeah, we're giving you a going-away party.

You're giving me a going-away party?

Yeah.

Well, maybe we could hold a party right here.

Bub, we figured this would be our last
chance to say goodbye and good luck.

You'll be so busy after the show.

Yep, we just pack and get on the bus.

Here you are, Bill, pineapple and grapefruit.

The only thing I don't burn.

But I'm getting better, right, Steve?

You're doing fine, Bubba.

Here's to Bill O'Casey.

And a great time on the road.

Yeah, I'll drink to that.

Hey, speech.

And make it funny.

No speeches till I get the cake.

You can relax.

I didn't bake it.

I bought it.

I'll go and help Thelma.

Well, here's to the cake that Thelma didn't bake.

I thought maybe I could give you a hand.

What's the matter, Thelma?

You better take this cake before I salt the icing.

You, uh, wish you were starting on the tour, don't you?

No.

Oh, Mrs. Sherman.

I'm going to tell Thelma.

See, he's not one word to Bill.

This is something he wants.

He's earned it.

He's good at it.

And I wouldn't take that satisfaction away
from him for a front page write-up in Variety.

Okay, Thelma.

Besides, the girl would be a sap not to like it here.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Give me the cake.

Open the door.

Sure.

For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good
fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny.

Now, peace, Bub.

Yeah, peace.

Thanks, g*ng.

You know, there's something about going on the road.


almost everything a dyed-in-the-wool actor wants.

And that's exactly why I'm not going.

You're not going?

What do you mean you're not going?

Some of this is not for me.

I love my family too much.

Oh, that's great, Bub.

That's the best farewell speech I ever heard.

Hey, I got a pack.

Chip, will you get my trunk down from the attic?

Mike, will you bring my suitcase?

Robbie, will you cut that cake in half and
put it in a shoebox?

I can feed the g*ng on the bus.

Well, Bub, welcome home.

Thanks.

Steve?

Oh, Garnet.

What's the matter?

I think she even burned the pot.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Lunch.

Lunch.