04x12 - Steve and the Viking

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray,
and as Bub, William Frawley.

Good morning, Mr. Douglas.

Good morning, Helen.

Would you like some coffee?

I'm having some coffee.

Thanks very much.

You're about 6'3", aren't you, Mr. Douglas?



Height.

About 6'21⁄2 ", or 3", right?

Oh, yeah.

If I stand up straight, I think I'll make it.

Why?

Just idle curiosity.

My dad would give anything to be your height.

He's 5'2".

Well, he was kind of short, isn't he?

You're not busy this weekend, are you, Mr. Douglas?

No, I'm not.

Helen, just what is going on?

Going on?

Nothing.

Why should anything be going on?

Oh, uh, hi, Steve.

Oh, hi, Joe.

Helen, did you find out yet?

Oh, look, if I'm going to be Mata Hari,
you'll have to give me a little more time.

So far, all good.

All I know is he's 6'3", if he stands up straight,
and he's got a clear calendar for the weekend.

Uh, Steve, the boss has picked you for a
pretty important assignment.

You remember Eric Williamson of Dansk?

Dansk Airlines, sure.

Tell me, uh, what did he think about my
design for the TF-2300?

Well, he loved it.

Anyway, he's here, and he wants to meet you.

He's here at the plant?

Yes.

Well, fine.

Let's, uh, go.

I'd like to meet him.

Well, now, wait a minute.

He's not alone.

He certainly isn't.

Miss Hamilton, why don't you go change a
typewriter ribbon or something?

Joe, um... Now, you know how
important the Willimson account is to us.

Well, the boss has picked you to sort of take over part
of the Willimson deal while they're in town this weekend.

I see.

Joe, why are you so nervous?

Uh, because I'm beating around the bush a little.

No, because I'm beating around the bush a lot.

Then the boss didn't pick me, uh, for
this whatever it is because of the TF-2300.

No.

Why did he pick me, Joe?

Um, because you're tall.

That doesn't make much sense.

Hmm.

Well, you see, Mr. Willimson has a...

Come on, I better show you.

Here.

Straighten up.

Joe, come on.

You're sure, y'all?

Quite comfortable, Mrs. Willimson.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's good of you to let us compete with
Milan and Tokyo on this jet cruiser deal, Eric.

Yeah, yeah.

In the meanwhile, Mama and Ivy have a good time.

Excuse me.

I said no phone calls, please, Betty.

Big one.

Count who?

Oh.

Oh, it's for you, Eric.

The, uh, Danish consul.

Oh.

Hello in there.

Oh, how do you got?

Well, then I did it, my man.

Mr. Gordon make us very comfortable.

Yeah.

Even more than my land.

Mm-hmm.

Well, we wait and see you compare with Tokyo, yeah?

It was good of you to call in there.

Oh, this is, uh, with Helga's masquerade ball, yeah?

Yeah.

Goodbye.

Oh, here he is, Mr. Gordon.

I told him.

I mean, he knows us.

As much as... Ah, thank you, Joe.

Come in, Steve.

May I present one of our top designers,
Mr. Stephen Douglas, Mr. and Mrs.

Eric Willemson.

Mrs. Willemson?

How do you do?

How do you do, sir?

How do you do?

Douglas, you did some good work on TF2300, no?

Yes, I, uh, I worked on the designs.

Um, what do you think, Mama?

Yeah.

Yes, big boy.

You're a single person?

Single?

Well, yes.

That is, uh...

Good.

Helga.

Our daughter, Helga.

Hello.

Hello.

How do you do?

How do you do?

How do you do?

How come Dad's not here?

He's upstairs getting dressed to take a
girl out for dinner.

Oh, what girl?

A Great Dane.

Huh?

Not a real one.

Dad got stuck with a Viking.

What are you talking about?

Why, listen to those cutouts.

Sounds like about 500 horses.

Go see who it is.

All right.

Nobody ever did explain to me about the
Great Dane and the Viking.

That's for me.

I'll be down in a few minutes.

Okay, Dad.

All right.

What time did Dad get in last night?

Oh, it must have been after one.

The DJ festival had already signed off and
he wasn't home yet.

Boy, I don't like it.

Come on, give me a little help here, will you, Rob?

All right.

Look at this thing up on top there.

For your information, it was after four.

After four?

After four, yes.

And he looked pretty good to me.

Nobody brought him home.

You better go upstairs till afternoon.

Why?

I walked past Dad's room just now.

He's trying to get some sleep.

And he hollered at me to quit shaking the house.

I didn't even have my shoes on.

That anybody that wakes him up before
noon is going to get into some terrible trouble.

It'll make the acquisition look like parlor games.

Inquisition?

He talked real terrible, like he had a
sore throat or something.

I'll get him.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I just can't call him to the phone right now.

Who's calling, please?

Oh, Mr. Gordon.

Uh, well, let me see if I can't locate him.

All right.

Bub, doorbell.

I heard it.

Hello.

Hello.

I mean, hi.

Hi.

Hi.

I bet you're Helga.

Yeah.

Stephen is ready to go hiking, no?

Hiking?

Did Stephen promise to go hiking with you today?

No.

I surprised him, yeah?

Yeah.

Uh, just a minute, Mr. Gordon.

He's on his way.

Oh.

Thank you, Mike.

Good morning, Mr. Gordon.

Steve, congratulations.

Congratulations for what?

I just talked to Eric.

He says that Helga is ecstatic about last night.

You're the first man she's found who can
dance all night without folding.

Now, I know this isn't exactly your cup of tea.

That's why I appreciate it so.

Steve, guess who's here?

Tess of the Storm Country.

She just dropped me off.

All ready for a hike.

A hike.

Eric says that Helga's planning something
special for today.

Keep up the good work, Steve.

Look, Mr. Gordon, I'm very sorry, but... Oh, I know.

You want to get ready.

Well, I won't keep you.

And thanks again, Steve.

Believe me, I won't forget this.

What?

I was...

A hike?

It's going to be one of those typical
Danish days, she says.

So I'll get your alpenstock and a towel.

Towel?

Yeah, you're going to wind up in one of
those Scandinavian scrub and steam joints.

You have fun, yeah?

Bob, go down and tell her that I...

Well, I think I've had about enough of this steam.

All right, over to the table.

Where?

Table.

That's right, now get up.

Turn over on your stomach.

What?

Oh, that's... Unrelaxed you are in
Copenhagen now, not in Bryant Park.

We scrub all your worries away.

Why, you do have strong hands.

Oh, very strong.

Certainly ought to rub the troubles away.

Anybody home?

Oh, the picnic.

You ready, Mike?

Well, you see, Sally, it's just that...
Dad went out with that Viking girl again.

We all have to sit here and worry.

Now tell me, Mike, doesn't it sound a
little silly to you the way Chip puts it?

Well, sure, the way he puts it,
but that's not what we're doing.

Well, good, then let's go on the picnic.

Well, couldn't we have it here?

Like, out in the backyard, maybe?

Honey.

I don't want to sound like a fishwife or
anything, but, well, I just can't get over

the whole family sitting here in one room waiting for
a perfectly capable man to come home from a date.

I mean, what's so terrible about this girl?

What are you all afraid of?

Sally, she's got too much Zoom for Dad.

It's like she's racing her motor while he's idling.

I finally saw this tomato.

She could strangle Steve with a half Nelson.

By accident.

They're afraid she'll get to be our mother.

But I think it'd be neat to get that car in the family.

Well, how about it, Mike?

You're right, it's silly.

Sally and I are going on a picnic.

You guys will just have to worry without me.

I'll call you about every 20 minutes.

Not too hard on the leg.

You must forgive us now, Steve.

Well, forgive you for what?

Well, if we must use your elm branches
instead of our Danish birch.

Elm branches?

What do you do with those?

We whip you.

Then Carol went out and bought some gray paint,
and you'd never know it used to be a kerosene stove.

Have another piece of chicken, Mike.

Mike?

Hmm?

Oh, thanks.

You know, I think anybody with imagination
can furnish a house for practically nothing.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Francine Marcus describes it in one of
those home decorating magazines,

and practically everything she does comes out of them.

For instance, she took one of those old roll-top
desks and made it into a break-front sort of thing.

Tony uses it for all sorts of things.

It has so many pigeonholes in it that...

all the sparrows come to nest in it during the winter.

And Humpty Dumpty comes to visit every so often.

So do some of the king's men.

Good.

Sometimes a simple Simon falls asleep in
front of his television set.

So Mother Goose comes along and puts one of
those sweet little homemade bombs into his pocket.

What?

What's the matter?

Where are we going?

Home.

Don't worry about your father.

Well, that's enough of that.

Yeah, yes.

I think... I think so.

You know, in Denmark, we always run out
and roll in the snow after summer.

Is that so?

I'm glad it's summertime.

That's all right.

We'll use the next best thing.

The next best thing?

What's that?

Crushed ice.

Crushed ice?

Is that as effective as snow?

Hey, anybody here?

Shh.

What's the matter?

Dad's upstairs in bed.

In bed?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's a wreck.

What happened?

Shh.

Hilda called for him and took him on a 15-mile hike.

Then they took him to one of those steam joints.

When they tried to beat him to death with sticks,
then they unloaded half a ton of ice cubes on him.

What?

Sounds like a sauna bath.

Shh.

This is no good.

It's like going out one weekend and playing 20
cents of tennis if you haven't done anything for years.

He's probably just a little tired.

A little tired?

Did you ever see a wash rag try to crawl upstairs?

I could have taken Phil to the gym.

He doesn't dance after all.

Does he?

My dad said he's going to sleep for a whole week.

Sure.

And the first one that tries to wake him
gets a knuckle sandwich.

See?

Gosh, I don't know, Mr. Walters.

Mike, I wouldn't ask it if it wasn't important.

If you're going to wake him up, you can't do it from here.

It'll take about three sticks of dynamite.

Dad.

Dad.

That's not the way.

Come on, Sam.

Hit the deck.

See, Mr. Walters, I've got to talk to you.

Oh, Joe.

Did you forget about the costume ball?

Costume ball?

You're taking Helga to a costume affair at
the Danish consulate.

Helga will be here any minute for you, Steve.

Nice.

Mr. Walters, I don't know.

I don't think Dad should do any more.

He hasn't had enough rest.

Oh.

Hi, Joe.

What are you doing here?

Well, Gordon sent me over.

I brought your costume for the ball.

Oh.

Well, Joe, I'm not going to the ball.

But you've got to go.

Williamson is so happy, and Gordon's practically
counting the money in that jet cruiser deal.

No, Joe.

You can only run a machine so long,
and then the gaskets start to blow.

Now, that isn't it.

Helga's a very energetic young woman,
and I'll admit I'm poop.

But that isn't why I'm backing out of this, Joe.

It's that I've lost my self-respect.

I mean, I can't teach the boys independence on
one hand and do something like this on the other.

Well, maybe not, but just this once?

I don't need the job that badly, Joe.

Well, I must say I admire you.

If you'd asked me to do it out of
friendship, that would have been one thing.

But I won't do it to sell airplanes.

Right.

The airplanes ought to sell on their own merit.

It's true.

In fact, I think Gordon's got a lot of
nerve to even ask you.

Bill, somebody ought to give that Gordon a fat lip.

Bub, let's not get carried away with this, huh?

Joe, will you just tell Mr. Gordon that any work I do for
the company from now on, I'll do on the drawing board, okay?

Right, Steve.

And I'll dump this right in his lap.

And I'll tell him that any time a man
forces an employee to practically play

nursemaid just to get a fat contract,
I've lost all respect for him.

Sure.

And not only that, I'll tell him... Dad?

Mr. Gordon wants to know if the costume fits all right.

He's on the phone.

I'll handle this, Steve.

I want him to know just how we all feel.

Thanks, Gerald.

Where's the phone?

Right there in the hall.

You're doing the right thing, Dad.

He sure is.

You know, I played Altoona, Pennsylvania
once, and the owner of this two-bit joint

told me to keep the seals wet on account of
the owner of the act was laid up with the mumps.

You know, you gotta keep seals wet or
they'll get chapped flippers.

What, did you do it?

Do what?

Keep the seals wet.

Sure.

Bub, what's the point of the story?

Do you know something?

That was the first time I ever noticed that I was chicken.

Steve, do me a favor, will you?

What is it, Joe?

Take Helga to the ball tonight.

I count it as a great favor.

I thought you were gonna tell them all what happened.

Well, let's just say I was persuaded otherwise.

I'll tell them what I think one of these days.

Steve, honest.

Just as soon as the kids graduate from
college and the house is paid for.

Okay, Joe.

Okay.

Thanks, Steve.

I guess sometime, one way or another,
all of us have to wet down the seals.

What?

What was just something he read in a fortune cookie once.

Hello.

Hi.

You want in?

Your papa ready to go to ball?

Yes.

Score your poker music.

You have a machine?

Yeah, sure, right here.

Oh, I have to teach your papa a few steps
before we go to ball.

Otherwise, he'll feel foolish.

Hey, she looks like the amazing Amazon from outer space.

Well, that's a neat compliment if I ever heard one.

Would any of you wish to try to score your
poker while we wait for Steve-O?

Some other time, Ms. Williamson.

I've got to go home and get changed for the ball.

No, thanks.

I gave up the poker and the blank paper.

But I'm at just about the same time.

Oh, the poker.

Sure.

Well, come on.

We'll try it.

Yeah.

Go.

So, one, two, three.

Hey, Steve-O.

Yeah.

You look good.

You look fine.

Boy, does that look boss.

Yeah, Dad.

I look ridiculous and you all know it.

Oh, no, Steve-O.

Now, Helga.

Steve.

There's a little scorch spot here on the
cuff of your shirt.

All right, all right.

Where's the rest of this buffalo?

The helmet may be a little small,
but I think Dad looks fine.

Now, cut it out, Mike.

Well, if you go out in public looking like that,
they're liable to haul you in for a hoof and mouth.

A hoof disease.

Joe Walters or no Joe Walters, I'm
just not going to go through with this.

Helga, I'm sorry, but I can't take you to the ball.

But you must.

We'll get you another hat without horns.

That has nothing to do with it, Helga.

It's just that I made up my mind to do
something before, and I didn't follow through with it.

But I must have a partner.

The ball tonight is to celebrate my birthday.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Your birthday?

Yeah.

Tomorrow I am 70.

If she's 70, I'm 312.

I'm not 70.



Oh, 17.

You mean I've been going out with a 17-year-old child?

Boy, if she's a child, I ought to be in
kindergarten or something.

Nobody likes a wise guy, Chip.

What am I going to do, Stephen?

Well, now, Helga, I'm sorry, I... Dad,
are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I believe so, Mike.

I was just wondering how to handle it.

Uh, diplomatically.

Well, maybe we won't have to.

Helga?

Yeah?

I, uh, I have a son just your age, 17.

Yeah?

He has a driver's license and he, and he
gets to use the good car once in a while?

Especially tonight.

I go barefoot.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm not self-conscious about that tall and short jazz.

He's very good with skomas or polka.

Wonderful.

You'll be my Viking chief tonight, yeah?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, Dad?

Oh, sure, Rob.

Just be careful, that's all.

Oh, come on, let's get you in costume.

Yeah.

Be right back, Helga.

Well, here he comes.

Oh, hello.

Oh, he's beautiful.

We go now, yeah?

Yeah.

Come on.

Well, have a good time.

Well, goodbye, everybody, and thank you very much.

Goodbye, Helga.

Goodbye.

Good time.

I'll see you later, Dad, then, Bub, and then... Yes.

Gosh, it's hard to believe she's only going to be 17.

Yeah.

Boy, she sure is tough for her age.

You've got to admit, she's a lot of girls.

She sure is.

Well, if you fellas will excuse me,
I think I'll stagger back up to bed.

Look, up in the sky, it's a bird,
it's a plane, it's not Superman,

it's My Favorite Martian.

Stay tuned for two episodes of My Favorite
Martian during this twice as nice morning on TV Land.