04x09 - The Toupee

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons.

Morning, Bob.

Morning.

Morning.

Thanks.

Oh, here's a package for you.

Thanks.

Thanks very much.

Thanks.

Lettuce, when we meet one month from now,
I'm going to have hair.

Bob, what's that?

What's what?

That smell.

Huh?

Yeah, I smell it way over here.

It smells like...

It smells like medicine.

What?

It smells terrible.

The stuff doctors always tell you is
supposed to be good for you.

I don't smell anything.

Hey, it's stronger over here.

Yeah, on the side of the room.

Mike, Mike, it's, uh, Bub's head.

Bub, you're trying to grow hair again.

Whatever gave you a nutty idea like that?

It's the 82nd or 83rd time Bub's tried to grow hair.

It's the 84th, you're forgetting the witch doctor.

He was a pharmacist, he just lost his license.

Is that stuff he sold you, liquid tar and yogurt?

On top of old Baldy, all covered with tar.

What's the matter with a guy trying to
grow a head of hair, you funny fellows?

Mike, you remember that time he wrapped
walrus blubber all over his head?

Yes, and the cats followed him home from the supermarket.

Very funny, very funny.

Hey, Bob, whose picture is this?

She's pretty.

Let's see.

Hey, something's burning.

Many there.

And you keep your hands off things that
don't belong to you.

Oh.

Oh, you're not just trying to grow hair to grow hair.

You're trying to grow hair to impress somebody.

Who is she, Bob?

You know Harry Ferguson down at the cigar store?

Well, this is his sister, Gladys.

She's coming to visit.

Oh, did Harry tell her you had hair?

No, but he didn't say I didn't.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hi, Chipper.

What's up?

Nothing special.

Anything wrong?

No.

I was just wondering.

About what, Chipper?

About hair.

Oh.

Bub's trying to grow it again.

I know.

I smelled it.

How come it's so important to Bub to have hair?

Oh, there are probably a lot of reasons, Chipper.

I imagine mainly it's because Bub thinks
it'll make him look younger.

But it won't, really.

Well, yes and no.

If Bub thinks he looks younger, then he'll
be younger, if you understand what I mean.

You mean like the time Mike grew a mustache?

He thought he looked older, but he really didn't.

Because, actually, I don't think anybody's
as conscious of Bub being bald as Bub is.

Most people accept a man for what he is, hair or no hair.

Do you think I'll ever be bald?

With that mop of hair you've got, Chip?

I don't think so.

She never can tell.

How come people get bald?

Well, there are a lot of theories on that, Chip.

Like what?

Well, some people think it's hereditary.

Like some people even think that if your
mother's father was bald, why, you'll be bald.

If you're a boy, of course.

Was Bub's mother's father bald?

As a matter of fact, I think he was, Chip.

Well, isn't Bub my mother's father?

Yeah, I'm afraid he is, Chip.

There it goes.

So long, Baldy.

Hi.

Hi.

What's that goofy grandpa?

My father has all over his head.

Some stuff he bought to grow hair with.

Boy, he sure looked funny.

It smells like the stuff people use when
they want to grow grass.

You think he looks funny now?

One time last summer, he soaked his head
in goat smoke for two hours a day.

That kind of makes sense.

I never saw a bald goat.

Didn't help Bub.

Why does he keep trying to grow it?

Why doesn't he just buy some?

Where do you buy hair?

You send away for it.

You know, those toupee things.

I saw an ad in a magazine.

No kidding.

Real hair?

That's what it said.

You still got that magazine?

Sure.

Come on over and I'll show it to you.

See, I told you.

Real hair.

Boy, wouldn't working for them be a neat job?

Working for them?

Yeah.

You could get paid for just sitting around
letting your hair grow.

Yeah, that would be neat.

Nobody yelling at you all the time to go get a haircut.

Yeah, but they might yell at you to sit
around and make your hair grow faster.

Boy, a hair shirt costs a lot, though.

$14.95.

Yeah, and I only have a little over $3.

That's not enough.

I can lend you 32 cents.

Thanks, Ernie.

I wonder if I can get enough money to get
it for Bub's girl gets here next month.

You could try.

It says only one week for delivery.

Yeah, I'll do it in surprise, Bub.

The cord keeps getting in the way.

Gee, Bub, you look like one of those women
who cross the plains in a covered wagon.

What is that thing, anyway?

Well, it keeps the pores of my scalp open
after I put on the goop.

I mean, the special preparation.

Hey, Bub, you better be careful with that thing.

It's liable to shrink your head.

Very funny.

You're uproarious.

Well, Bub, you do look a little like
Whistler's mother without your rocking chair.

Come on, now, Steve, not you too.

Good night, all.

Good night, Mike.

What do you call that bottle anyway, Bub?

It's called a scalper-delper.

It releases the hair follicles so they can
fight their way to the surface.

Oh, I see.

Bub, I think they're fighting a losing battle.

Everybody's a wise guy tonight.

I'd like to know how we had so many dirty shirts this week.

If I didn't know better, I'd swear we were taken in wash.

Two.

Three.

That's $3, and here's 50 cents, and 14 cents more for tax.

That's $3.64 altogether.

Thanks.

I told my mother I took them to a new
place, and she said she liked the work so

much, she wants me to take them there again next week.

Boy, too bad we can't tell Bub what a nice job he's doing.

Tweety is a pretty bird.

Tweety is a pretty bird.

Tweety is a pretty bird.

Tweety is a pretty bird.

Tweety is a pretty bird.

I've been listening to that for two days now.

How much longer is this stuff going on?

Well, I promised Miss Davis I'd teach him to talk.

She's going to pay me $4.

Take the bird back and forget the money.

But I promise.

Tweety is a birdie bird.

Tweety is a birdie bird.

Ouch!

You dirty, miserable little...

Dirty, miserable little... Hey, Bobby!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, you got him to say something!

I did, huh?

Well, if I'd have burnt myself on that steam,
you'd be washing his beak out with soap!

Blocking layers to help keep germs where they belong.

You.

Sound asleep.

Come on.

I think we have some paper bags down there.

You get one while I get the grease.

Looks like Bub's out of salad, huh?

You know what else we can use?

How about margarine?

That's greasy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's too hard.

Hey, how about bacon grease?

Bacon grease?

Gee, I don't know.

Well, it's as good as any other grease.

Maybe greasier.

Okay.

Mmm.

Boy, where'd you get this, Chip?

I found it up in the attic.

That's where Bub keeps a lot of his old stuff.

I didn't even know they took pictures back in those days.

Well, here's your grandfather's head.

I hope you cut it out exactly.

Otherwise, you'll have hair flopping over his ears.

It's okay.

I only cut around where it was greasy.

Well, just in case.

We'll send along this picture to show how
we want the toupee to look.

Instructions say you have to send a sample
of Bub's hair so they can match the color.

He doesn't have enough to get a sample.

In the picture, his hair looks kind of yellow.

No, that's just because the picture's old.

You think his hair was like yours when he was young?

Uh-uh.

Once I heard him say his hair was sort of light brown.

Light brown.

Hey, you mean like him?

Don't forget the mail.

They're on your way home.

Okay.

And remember, the toupee's coming to your house.

So call me the minute it comes.

Uh-oh.

Hey, shut that out, you silly bee.

What are you trying to do, eat the top of my head off?

Well, that dog's trying to lick the top of my head off.

That's what that is.

What's the matter?

I guess I'd better go home.

Yeah, I'll walk you to the door.

Hey, Chip.

Yeah?

Do you smell anything?

Hmm, no, I don't.

Everything smells like breakfast around here.

Give me a second.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Ernie?

Great, and Kim?

Good.

I'll be right over.

Bub, that was Ernie.

He wants to see me right away.

See you later.

Well, now, don't stay too long.

OK.

Oh, my God.

Come on, tr*mp.

Quick.

Well, where's Chip off to, Bub?

Well, he's gone to Ernie's.

I think we'd better buy him a new set of
clothes and leave him over to Ernie's.

He spent practically the last week over there.

Well, next week, it'll be Ernie's turn to camp over here.

Steve.

Steve, look.

The scoffer duffer worked.

Look.

Feel that fuzz.

There's fuzz up there.

Feel it.

Feel it, feel it.

Bub, that isn't fuzz.

What is it?

It's just lint.

It blows right off.

Just lint.

I guess I have this scoffer duffer too close to the wash.

While there for a minute, I thought I had
some new hair to show Gladys tomorrow.

Well, Bub, you're just going to have to
win her over with straight charm.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I know.

But if I had a little more hair up there,
I wouldn't have to use so much charm.

Well, I can hardly wait to see it.

I can hardly wait to see it.

It's beautiful.

Just like in the picture.

Quiet, tr*mp.

I am.

tr*mp.

tr*mp.

tr*mp, be quiet.

tr*mp's as anxious as I am to give it to Bub.

No, tr*mp.

How's it come, Bub?

Well, no barber's gonna get rich off me,
I'll tell you that.

What do you got there?

Oh, it's something for you.

Something for me?

Yeah, it's a present.

A present for me?

Well, yeah.

Aren't you gonna open it?

Well, yeah.

How do you like it?

Well, I don't know what to say.

Well, on Christmas, when I always don't know
what to say, you always tell me to say thanks.

Well, thanks, Chip.

Thanks.

You got this for me?

Yeah, all by myself, too.

How do you like the color?

Well, it's perfect.

It even has the same kind of style like in
your old pictures.

Yep.

I was keeping it as a surprise in case your hair
didn't grow in time for when Miss Ferguson got here.

You gonna try it on?

Of course I am.

And I'll tell you something.

You're gonna be the first one to see it, too.

Oh, why don't you, hyenas, cut it out?

It's not that funny.

I thought you ought to see it from here.

I wonder what it was when it was alive.

Come on now, don't... Hold it down.

I'm gonna give you one more warning.

Knock it off.

Okay, but... You hear me?

Oh, God.

Oh, no, no.

Shut up, tr*mp.

Shut up, tr*mp.

tr*mp, quiet.

Yeah, you shut up, too.

Hey, no wonder he's acting up.

tr*mp's the same color as the toupee.

He probably thinks it's irrelevant.

Bub, if you want us to stop laughing, I really think
you ought to take that out and Bury it somewhere.

Take it out and Bury it?

You guys don't seem to understand.

I'm going to wear this thing.

Oh, come on now, Bub.

You don't really mean to say you're going
to wear that thing outside the house.

Well, heck I'm not.

I'm going to trim it up a little.

But when Gladys comes through that door tomorrow, it's not
going to be sitting in a drawer or on a shelf or in a box.

It's going to be sitting on my head.

Now, Bub, I think you're carrying this
thing just a little too far.

Now, if you're wearing this thing, you're
worried about hurting Chip's feelings.

I'll talk to him.

I'll make him understand.

Steve, I don't want you to say one word to that boy.

Chip spent his savings, earned a lot of
extra money because he thought that hair

was important to me on account of Gladys
being something special.

If this thing were made out of mattress
stuffing, I'd wear it.

Well, Bub, I'm not too sure it isn't made
out of mattress stuffing.

Mike, Bub, as long as you insist on wearing this
thing, I think you ought to warn Gladys ahead of time.

You really think so?

You really should, Bub.

I mean, if she sees you this way, Bub,
she'll think you're going to a masquerade.

Well, how would you like to know that I'm going to wear it?

Because Chip is more special than any Gladys could ever be.

Well, Chip, how do I look?

Okay, I guess.

Just okay?

I thought you were going to tell me I look great.

That's what I meant to say.

Well, that's better.

You've noticed I've...

trimmed this up a little bit.

Yeah.

Well, no matter how much you fool
around with it, it's still not like it was real hair.

Get that door, somebody!

Chip, hand me my jacket, will you?

Attaboy.

Boy, it sure makes you look younger.

Well, that was the idea of the whole thing, wasn't it?

Yeah, but even younger than I thought.

I thought.

Maybe even younger than Miss Ferguson.

You think it makes me look that much younger?

Wouldn't it be embarrassing if people
thought she was your mother?

Gee, that would be embarrassing.

Bub, you don't have to wear it if you don't want to.

I know I don't have to wear it, but I want to.

I think Miss Ferguson ought to have a chance to like
you the way you are, because that's how we all like you.

Do you really think so?

Yeah.

And then if you want to wear it,
well, it wouldn't make any difference.

And, uh, Rob graduates from high school this year, we hope.

That'll be nice.

Uh, Mike, why don't you see what's holding Bub up?

Oh, all right.

Hi, everybody.

I'd have been out sooner, only I had to
wait for last-minute instructions from Chip.

Well, hey, Bub, you're not wearing your mask.

This is Gladys.

Oh, hi, Gladys.

Hello.

You don't look one bit different from your picture.

And you're just the way Harry said you would be.

Well, thank you.

Well, let's... Let's not stand here looking at each other.

If we're going to do the town,
we better get an early start.

Oh, I'm all for that.

Me too.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, uh, don't wait up for me.

Have a good time.

Thanks.

See you, Bub.

Hey, look.

tr*mp.

What's your name?

Looks like it's you.

It's okay.

You spent 15 bucks on that thing.

Bub doesn't need it.

He's doing okay without it.

Stay tuned for another episode of My Three Sons, as
this twice as nice morning continues here on TV Land.