03x36 - Evening with a Star

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray,
and as Bub, William Frawley.

I guess I don't have to ask where the pickles are.

Okay, little man, I'll give you half of my sandwich.

Well, Sudsy and Freddy have handbrakes on their bikes.

Oh, and you have to get along with the foot brake.

Rough.

You guys get to drive a car.

Why don't you like to drive a car with foot brakes?

Hey, look at this.

What?

Somebody won a date with Kim Novak.

What's so great about him?

Him?

Boy, that's as far from a him as you can get.

Boy, winning a date with a gal like Kim Novak.

She must come on after 8.30.

I've never seen her.

She's a big movie star, Chip.

So what?

Well, to get a date with a big star when
you're just a plain person is pretty lucky.

It wouldn't mean anything to me if I won her.

Well, maybe not, but to most people it would.

Yeah?

How do you win a star?

Oh, they just raffle them off like turkeys.

This guy bought a ticket for a charity or a worthy cause.

And he won, so first prize, he gets to
have dinner and a date with Kim Novak.

Are you guys home?

Yeah, we're in here, Bub.

Well, get in here and help me clean this place up.

Uh, Rob, why don't you go help, Bub?

It wouldn't be healthy for me to do heavy
work while I'm digesting.

Uh, yeah, Chip, you better give Bub a hand.

I'm gonna start studying in a minute.

Boy, you guys just wait a couple of years.

I'm gonna eat a bunch of starches and
potatoes, and I'm gonna get muscles,

and then I'm gonna study judo, and next time you guys
tell me to do something, I'm gonna throw you out the window.

Yeah, well, in the meantime, get in there
and help, Bub, huh?

Hi, Bub.

Oh, just you, huh?

Not much of a turnout for my cleanup committee, huh?

Mike can't work while he's adjusting,
and Robbie's gonna do homework any minute.

Well, there's a couple of phony excuses if I ever hurt him.

Grab some of those books and put them over
there on the bed and help me out here a little bit.

Someday I'm gonna learn judo, and I'm gonna
throw Mike and Robbie right out the window.

Why don't you learn magic so you can turn them into frogs?

Hey, what's all this junk?

Junk?

That's one of my scrapbooks.

Your grandfather was a star back in those
days, young fella.

Jeepers, Bub.

I knew about when you were in Vaudeville,
but I didn't know you were a star.

Oh, you didn't?

Well, just check the notices on the next page.

Jeepers.

Jeepers, Bub, you really were a big star.

Well, there were people around at that
time that seemed to think so, yeah.

What's the palace?

Do you know some kings or something?

Well, I probably bumped into a little royalty along the
way, like Al Jolson, Al Jolson, Sophie Tucker, Ed Wynn.

What's the office?

Oh, that was a grand old house.

What a grand old house.

What's Scranton?

Scranton's a big city.

Gee, Bub, you must have been famous.

Modesty won't let me say it.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, Chip.

What's on your mind?

Oh, nothing.

I was just wondering.

Oh?

What about?

Well, just suppose there was this kid who
wanted to earn some money.

Mm-hmm.

He wanted to buy handbrakes for his bike, but his
father didn't think he could put them on his old bike.

But this kid thought he could figure out a way,
and then his father wouldn't give him the money.

So would it be okay if this kid earned the
money by selling tickets to something?

Well, Chip, I'd say that would depend on
what the tickets are for.

Sure.

I mean, you just have to be sure the people
who buy them are going to get their money's worth.

Why don't you let your conscience be your
guide on this, Chip?

That usually works out pretty well for you.

Okay.

Dad?

Yeah, Chip?

How'd you know it was me?

Oh, we call that fatherly intuition.

It took me five.

Dollars to have someone else do this.

Giant star raffle.

Win an evening with a famous big star that
you can boss around.

Only one thin quarter.

Boy, I'm sure a neat printer, huh, Chip?

Yeah, but your printing press sure isn't a neat speller.

What do you mean?

There's no K in quarter.

I can't help it if I couldn't find a C.

How come you didn't put down the name of the big star?

It's gonna be a surprise.

Is he a friend of your dad's?

Sort of.

Does your dad know you're selling tickets on his friend?

Well, quit talking and start printing the tickets.

Hi, Dad.

Let's see, 17, 8, 25.

Hi, Sudsy.

Dad, I want to ask you something.

Yeah, go ahead.

Well, what if this kid had a printing press?

That leaves me 75 more in column B.

Go on, son.

And this kid was printing raffle tickets
for this other kid for a contest.

Where's the column C?

I want to see.

I had 75.

I want to see 75 more in column B.

Is it okay if this kid printed 20 or 30
more raffle tickets for himself?

Yeah, that sounds fine.

And then is it okay if the kid snuck the raffle
tickets in the fishbowl that belonged to the other kid?

Sudsy, can't you see I'm busy?

Yeah, Dad, but is it okay?

Is what okay?

The stuff I was telling you about the printing press.

Printing press?

Oh, yeah, sure, son.

Thanks, Dad.

I'll lift the corner down a little bit now.

Level it off the bottom.

Top's all right.

Boy, Bub, you sure got a flaky grandson.

Well, now, don't you worry about it, Robbie.

You'll snap out of it all right.

No, I mean Chip.

Chip, look.

Come on, Rob.

We're trying to get some work done.

Yes.

Okay, if you don't care what he's doing.

Well, what is he doing?

He's raffling somebody off.

Raffling somebody off?

Yeah, look at this.

All right for you.

What are you doing, Robbie?

Giant star raffle.

What are you up to, Chip?

What are you trying to do?

What do you mean?

You know darn good and well what he means.

Yeah, who's the star you're raffling off?

Boy, I knew you couldn't wait to go and snitch.

Come on now, who's this big star?

Well, he's right here in this room.

Oh, gee, Chip, just because I made a couple of
touchdowns the final game last year doesn't make him a star.

It's not you.

Oh.

Come on, Chip, I guess you better spell it.

Yeah, who's the big star?

Well, it's... It's Bub.

Me.

You mean you made all that money selling tickets on Bub?

Chip, sometimes I think you're taking
pills to cure being bright.

Look, Chip, if you wanted to sell tickets on
somebody... Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's the matter with spending the evening with me?

Well, nothing really, Bub, but you're not exactly a star.

We didn't mean it that way, Bub.

It was just a... Haven't you ever seen Bub's old scrapbook?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, what's that got to do with it?

Yeah.

He'll show you what it's got to do with it.

Put it up there.

Bub was a star in a palace, and he knew
Sophie Tucker and everyone.

Not Soapy Tucker, Sophie.

And he was in a man's theaters,
and he had his name in the newspaper,

and he was, too, a star.

But, Chip, that was ancient history.

Oh, yeah?

That a boy, Chip.

Thank you very much, and go right ahead with your rap.

Okay, you guys, we're going to start for the round.

Last time, we waited long enough.

Hiya, hiya, hiya.

I'm all right.

Okay, you guys, keep quiet.

Hey, Chip, Faye says if she wins,
you're supposed to call her right away.

Okay.

Where is she?

A bunch of kids in her had to stay after
school because they giggle when Greg

Jacobson was saying his poem about the fourth primeval.

She won't win anyway.

How come?

On nothing.

Hey, let's mix up these tickets and think
out the lucky person.

You better let someone else do it so you won't cheat.

Boy, says he's our best friend.

You sure say some creepy things.

I'll do it, Chip.

Okay.

The winner is...

Fuzzy Fife.

Maybe I better do it again.

Boy, am I lucky.

Hey, Chip, who's the big star he gets to go out with?

A cowboy or something?

No.

If it's...

someone like that, tell her I gotta be home at 9 O'clock.

Frankenstein.

No, it's not those guys.

It's Bub.

Bub!

Was I lucky to lose?

He's worse than Frankenstein.

Chip, you big cheater.

Bub's just an old grandfather.

Yeah, and he's a star, too.

Yeah, well, I ain't gonna spend an evening
with your grandfather.

All he does is yell.

He doesn't yell when he's supposed to be a star.

I can't even stand to see him when it's after school even.

Well, listen, you won and you're gone.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, and if you don't, I'm gonna hit you in the stomach.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Sudsy Pfeiffer.

Yeah.

Sudsy Pfeiffer.

You'll go, won't you, Bub?

I will not.

You will not?

I know I promised to make a personal
appearance, but this is ridiculous.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Well, you wouldn't even expect tr*mp to do
a thing like this.

No, Bub.

I guess it was a clunky idea, and I'll
give the money back to the kids.

How do you think I'd feel taking a lot of lift from Sudsy?

Okay, Bub.

Wait a minute.

I guess if I could stand him underfoot all
day long, I could stand him a few hours extra.

Gee, thanks, Bub.

But don't do it again.

Okay.

Hi, Mike.

Hi, Dad.

Well, sorry I'm late.

Tell Bub I'll be right down as soon as they get washed up.

Bub left our dinner in the oven.

Well, tonight isn't a large night, is it?

No, he went to eat with Sudsy.

With Sudsy Pfeiffer?

Willingly?

Well, yeah, sort of.

You see, Chip raffled Bub off,
and Sudsy had the winning ticket.

Would you mind repeating that again, slowly?

Well, Dad, it's one of those deals where
you raffle off, an evening with a star.

Chip thinks Bub's a big star.

Yeah, like Kim Novak.

What's Bub supposed to do?

Entertain Sudsy for a whole evening.

And do anything Sudsy tells him to.

Where's all this taking place?

Oh, Bub's old hangout, Mooney's Restaurant.

Bub wanted to do it upright to make Chip look good.

Boy, there's a neat grandfather.

Spending money on a little monster just to please Chip.

I don't understand why Bub lets Chip take
advantage of him like this.

I wish I'd known about it.

It wouldn't have happened.

Well, that isn't even the worst part.

Sudsy expected to win some big star.

Now he feels he's been cheated.

Well, I imagine he does if he expected Kim Novak.

I really give Bub a bad time.

Look, Robbie, go in Bub's room and get
that old scrapbook of his, will you?

Okay.

Where's the phone book?

It's right here, Dad.

Oh.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to call Mooney's restaurant.

I did a whole bunch of printing to get this book.

Get those dumb old raffle tickets,
and you won't even get bossed around.

The ticket didn't say anything about me being a sl*ve.

My dad's a lawyer, and I hear him talk a lot of times
about people not doing what they're supposed to do.

And I'm going to sue you for breach of contract.

Yeah?

Well, I'll sue you for printing without a license.

Sure.

Yeah, he's here.

He came in with a kid.

No, they can't hear me.

Go ahead.

And so the cat opened an umbrella and walked out.

I don't think I understand olden day jokes.

Well, if you don't like my jokes, what do you like?

It makes me laugh when people get hit in
the face with a pie.

There's no pie on the dinner, just cookies and sherpas.

So you see, Mr. Mooney, Bub was really
quite a performer in Vaudeville.

Well, I guess you're right.

Mr. Douglas.

Now, he followed Fink's mules at the palace.

That's right.

Now, he had fourth billing in Scranton,
but in Peoria, he came on next to closing.

That's pretty good.

Mr. Douglas, isn't he going to think it's a little peculiar
that all of a sudden I remember him in Vaudeville?

He's been coming here for 11 years, you know.

Yeah, that's right, isn't it?

Well, look, isn't there somebody else
there that might be able to help us out?

Oh.

Wait a minute.

I'll draft Riley.

He's our new piano player.

He cooperates or he's back on the sidewalk.

Leave it to me, Mr. Douglas.

Goodbye.

See,

you're not doing anything the ticket says.

You can boss me, but you can't hit me in
the face with a pie.

How about if I eat you in the Adam's apple?

You can't hit me anywhere with anything.

Not even a good...

Like a real tender one.

You got a deal.

So it won't be a total loss.

How about us going home and you taking out the trash?

How about me giving you a clout in the ear, Wyatt?

Excuse me, sir.

Well, now what can I do for you, my friend?

Could it be?

No.

The eyes are the same, but he was taller, I think.

Are you figuring on painting my picture?

Sitting there playing the piano, and I
look over here, and it's like I'm in a movie.

It's like a flash of lightning.

Well, just say your piece and take off.

I've got plenty of trouble.

Sir, if you're the fellow I think you are, well, praise be.

What's he talking about, Mr. O'Casey?

O'Casey?

It is O'Casey!

Bill O'Casey!

Scranton, the old palace.

You wouldn't remember me.

I was a piano player in the fifth.

You mean you played for me?

And an honor it was.

Son, are you aware you're dining with one
of the great stars of the American theater?

Him?

Chip's old grandfather?

Mr. Mooney!

Mr. Mooney!

Anything wrong, Mr. Riley?

Wrong?

Do you know the true identity of this here gentleman?

Sure, Bub O'Casey, a very old friend of
mine, long time customer.

Hello, Mooney.

He's merely one of the all-time greats,
one of the really big stars.

Bub O'Casey?

All the time he's been coming in here,
he never even mentioned it.

Oh, I don't know, it wasn't so much.

Besides, that's a long time ago.

Mr. O'Casey, would you do us the honor of... One number?

What are you guys doing, trying to rib me?

Ah, come on, Bub.

Show us how you wowed him in the old days.

Oh, I don't know, I... I might give it a try.

Do you know, uh, Carolina in the Morning?

You betcha.

The same tempo we used at the palace.

Yes, sir, and the same key, B-flat.

B-flat.

Right.

Great.

Thank you.

Guy.

Ladies and gentlemen!

May I have your attention, please?

Quiet in the back now.

Thank you.

Now, tonight I have a real treat for you.

It is my great pleasure to introduce to
you that famous star of Vaudeville,

Mr. Bill O'Casey!

Nothing could be finer than to be...

Nothing could be finer than to be... And
when I went into this step, it really dazzled him.

I tell you, they flipped.

You knocked him in the aisle.

Did I?

Did you hold off the dazzling for an hour, sir?

Yeah, we're starving.

Well, you'd have thought I was Bojangles.

That's how well I like this.

You see, Chipper, you really had nothing
to worry about, did you?

Yeah, but what's Susie saying?

Hey, Chip!

Hi, Dutch, come in!

Hi, Susie.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Hi, you guys.

Hi, Sus.

Hi, Mr. O'Casey, sir.

Hi, Susie.

Tell them how you liked your night out at Mooney's.

Really swell, sir.

You were worth more than 25 cents, even.

Chip, I still want you to return the money
from the raffle to your friends.

Hold it, Howard.

I went over pretty big, you know.

I said I can't do that.

I got the money to buy handbrakes for my bike.

I saved it and everything.

I didn't even buy a Sunday or a slingshot.

I'm sorry, Chip, but it's the right thing to do.

You know that.

And I think we'll be able to work out some
way for you to get the handbrakes for your bike.

Well, okay.

Okay.

Mr. Douglas?

Yeah, Sudsy?

I got something I gotta tell you.

Oh, what's that?

It's about the raffle.

I was printing the tickets.

Yes?

And I thought how hard I was working.

And all of a sudden, I printed some extra
tickets, so maybe I could win better.

Gosh, Sudsy, you sure are a clunky little crook.

How do you like that?

I was just a pawn in the hands of the junior mafia.

I don't care what anybody says.

We gave them their money's worth.

And Bub's the biggest star in the world.

You don't even have to hit me in the stomach, Chip.

I think so, too.

You know something, Steve?

I could still round myself up an agent and
do a few one-nighters.

Well, give us first chance, will you, Bub?

We'd like to offer you a solid booking right here.

Oh, yes.

Okay, I'll have my agent call you,
and maybe we can work out a deal.

Sudsy, sit down.

We'll have some fun.

Stay tuned for another episode of My Three Sons as
this twice as nice morning continues here on TV Land.