03x26 - High on the Hog

[bunniefuu]

You can tell Mrs. McDermott that I've
seen her husband, and he looks more to me like a beagle.

Come on, Mr. McDermott.

Tell her and tell her husband.

Can I have one of her puppies?

One little word.

No.

I bummed in real neat, and they smell brand new even.

What do I care how they smell?

tr*mp smelled brand new when we got him.

Look at him now.

He's like one great big round ball of dirty yarn.

Yeah, but... No, yeah, buts.

And don't try bringing one of Tarantula's puppies
over here to melt my heart, because it won't work.

Her name's Tarantella, not Tarantula.

Okay, Bub.

That was too easy.

And don't have Mrs. McDermott calling and
working on your dad.

When I say no more animals, I mean no more animals.

Yeah, but where are we going to get a pig?

Well, I'll give you one.

You fatten him up, and we'll be partners on the profits.

Well, how come?

Well, look.

I'm not trying to high pressure you guys.

You both keep saying how broke you are.

Farming's the only way I know how to make money.

Well, it sure looks like you make plenty of profit.

Oh, I'm 50-50 with my dad on this.

I'm just trying to save up enough to haul
myself through college.

Boy, wouldn't it be great if we could
build up one pig into a checking account?

Why not?

Hey, maybe you could even join our 4-H club.

Do you have time to ride out to the farm?

Yeah, sure.

Well, let's go.

And that's why I'm never going over to
Sudsy Pfeiffer's house as long as I'm there.

Or at least not this afternoon.

Hi, Bub.

Hi, Mr. Pigg.

Hi, Bub.

Hank, don't!

I hate to say it, fellas, but that's the
ugliest looking mutt I ever saw.

Mutt?

Mason, do you want durock, bub?

I don't care if it's an Airedale.

That's a pig!

Yeah!

What is it?

What are you doing in the house with that animal?

Oh, it's not going to be in the house all
the time, Mr. O'Casey.

We're going to keep it in the backyard.

Yeah.

Whose backyard?

Yours.

My mother's kind of peculiar about animals.

Oh, so it's Robbie's pig, is it?

Boy, this is neater than having one of
Tarantella's puppies.

Now, who are you going to call?

Sudsy, wait till he hears we got a pig.

Now, listen, Francis, you get that pork chop out of here.

We're keeping three pigs now, and that's enough.

Now, listen, you're very welcome.

Okay, Sarge, I'll be right over.

Hi, Dad, look what we got.

A pig?

Yeah.

He's ours, I presume.

Well, Bub will just make it sound like it's
dumb to have a pig around the house, Dad.

And I also think it's dumb to keep your a*s in the house.

Hank and I are going into the pig business.

We're going to fatten him up and make a lot of money.

Oh, swell, a do-it-yourself stockyard.

Well, Rob, the city's hardly the place to raise a pig.

He's just a pig now, Dad, but wait till he's a hog.

George Van Busick says that they're worth a lot of money.

Steve, last month it was hamsters,
and before that, field mice.

I know that.

Rob, are you really serious about this project?

Yeah, Dad, honest.

Hank and I are going to raise them in the backyard.

We'll build a pen for them and everything.

You know, Dad, it might not be too bad an idea.

I hear those 4-H kids do pretty well for themselves.

Thanks, Emily.

I'll do something for you sometime.

Robbie, you've started projects before and
you've never finished one of them.

I don't want that to happen again.

It won't, Dad.

This is the beginning of a great family fortune.

Now, Steve, don't weaken.

It's up to Robbie.

I want his word that he'll accept full responsibility.

Feed him properly, give him the care he
needs, and not neglect him.

I'll stick with this pig all the way, Dad.

They all bet their laws about keeping the pig in the city.

I know there are, Mr. O'Casey.

We already checked.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what about the noise?

Remember that purple duck we bought for Chip one Easter?

He had a mighty nasty quack.

Well, pigs don't make any noise, Bub.

Well, they don't, huh?

How about that oink?

We'll go along with Rob one more time.

You can keep the pig, Rob.

Thanks, Dad.

Well, you fellas better go on and start
building a pen for him, huh?

Okay.

Come on, Hank.

Those are my sentiments, exactly.

You're a.

Lucky pig.

He never had it so good.

You know, we can't keep calling this pig, pig.

We ought to give it a name.

Yeah, something kind of fancy, you know, with snob appeal.

Yeah.

You know, most pig groups have English names.

You know, like Yorkshire, Hampshire, Tamworth.

How about Shakespeare?

Well, my mother said that most of Shakespeare's
stuff was written by a fellow named Bacon.

Bacon?

Now, what could be a better pig name?

Too quiet.

Corny.

Hey, how about Hamlet?

You get it?

Pig, ham, Hamlet?

You don't have to spell it out for me, Robbie.

I've got to see him basic comprehension.

Hey, what are you doing, Hank?

Well, he's a pig, isn't he?

He's got to have some mud to slop around in.

No, George Van Busick says that's the old-fashioned way.

A pig would rather be clean.

Oh, okay.

I think we ought to feed him.

Yeah, let's go.

Some good garbage.

Oh, the modern pig eats milk and lots of corn.

So do I.

Come on, let's go look in the refrigerator.

Okay.

How you doing, Bub?

Good afternoon, Mr. O'Casey.

What do you two pork clusters want?

How about some milk?

Here you are.

Help yourself.

Well, we'll need about a gallon.

And, Mr. O'Casey, where do you keep your corn?

Is this for that fat friend of yours outside?

Yeah, but we're going to eat some of it, too.

Give me that.

That pig is your problem.

But Bub, he's hungry.

That's his problem.

We settled for some nice, clean garbage, Mr. O'Casey.

Not one lean banana skin.

Get out of here.

Pig cowboys.

What we need is some high-class leftovers.

Hey, how about Betty's house?

They eat pretty good over there.

Yeah, her mother sets fires of pancakes
and all kinds of fancy jams.

Yeah, well, let's go.

We'll be right back, Hamlet.

You'll have a dinner fit for a pig.

Protected in the Presto.

Zone's out.

I've more natural approach.

Prevent gas with Bino.

Good evening.

Good evening, officer.

Is this the Douglas residence?

That's right.

I'm Stephen Douglas.

We have a complaint.

A complaint?

About what?

Mrs. Carlson called.

Something about a pig.

Pig?

I've been afraid of this.

We're keeping one out in the backyard.

You mind if I take a look at it, sir?

Well, no, no.

It's right around this way.

Here he is.

He is making quite a bit of noise, isn't he?

Sure, he's hungry.

There's no food, no water.

When was the last time he was fed?

I don't know, officer.

My son is supposed to be taking care of it.

He's a fine looking pig.

I used to raise those when I was a kid in
the 4-H club back in Missouri.

Hi, Dad.

Getting rested?

What's going on here?

Is the joint raided?

No, but it looks like we have a genuine
public nuisance on our hands.

Chip, when was the last time he was fed?

At the pig party this afternoon.

He had lots of good junk.

Like what?

Six or seven jelly beans in a chocolate
bar with nuts and four or five raisins.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, officer.

What's happening?

Where have you been all day long?

Hank and I were over at Betty's working on a feed deal.

What time did you go to Betty's?

He left before the pig party.

It started at two o'clock.

Then you've been gone over seven hours.

I'm sorry, officer.

This won't happen again.

Well, you'll have to keep them quiet or get rid of them.

There's no law against pigs, but I'm sure you understand.

I understand.

Good night.

Good night.

It's the hamster story all over again.

I still say a couple of them got lost and
they're having kids in our attic.

Come on, Chip, let's get out of here.

I think your dad wants to have a few words with Robbie.

I shouldn't have let Hank and Betty talk
me into that barbecued steak, huh?

Rob, I think maybe you'd better take the pig back tomorrow.

It won't happen again, Dad, honest.

He's going to eat a lot of food, and food costs money.

Now, how do you plan it?

Well, Hank and I will work.

We'll support Hamlet until he can support us.

He's not a toy, you know.

He's an animal, and animals require care.

Now, if you aren't old enough
to live up to your responsibilities,

I'm going to have to start treating you like I do Chip.

I'll start on it first thing in the morning, Dad.

You'll start right now.

There must be something in the house he can eat
tonight, maybe some canned corn or some milk or some bread.

You stay with him, though, until you're
sure he's not hungry anymore.

Okay.

Sorry dinner's so late tonight, Hamlet.

How about some milk and some corn and some bread?

Sounds pretty good.

I might have some myself.

Hold, hold, hold.

You know, Robbie, I'm losing more fat than
Hamlet's gaining.

And I can't afford it.

Look, I promised my dad would stick to it, no matter what.

Now, come on.

Saw.

Well, I bet he invited me over for the
afternoon, and, well, I'm going to go.

How about Hamlet?

Yeah, how about Hamlet?

Look, Rob, how'd you like to buy out my share?

You're kidding.

Well, Hank, we're in the home stretch.

Yeah, I know, but I'm beat.

This pig's wearing me out.

Look, you let me out of the deal now, and
when you sell them, you can give me my share.

Well, how do we know how much is your share?

I'll leave that to you.

I mean, you may be a lot of things,
Rob, but you're no crook.

Well, Hank, are you sure you want out?

Boy, am I sure.

Well, so long, Hamlet.

See you around.

Right now, your name is Hamlet Douglas.

He sure is a giant.

Boy, I bet you if he had horns,
he could beat up a rhinoceros.

Can't he sit up yet?

No, he wants to, but my dad said he can't, on
account his center of gravity is in the wrong place.

Hey, you guys, don't make him nervous.

We weren't.

We were just saying nice things about him.

How much does he weigh now, Robbie?

Well, I don't know for sure.

But I'd say for a duroc, he's getting
pretty close to market weight.

What's that mean?

Well, it means he has about 20 pounds of
ham on him and 500 strips of bacon and I'd

say maybe 50 pork chops and a whole lot of sausages.

What's he talking about?

I don't know.

What are you talking about?

Well, I mean it's about time that I sell
him and get my money back.

You mean they're going to make Hamlet into
bacon and pork chops and stuff?

Well, yeah.

Where do you think that stuff comes from?

I mean, they don't have bacon bushes and
pork chop trees, you know.

Why can't we just keep them?

Well, because we can't, that's all.

That isn't the reason I fattened him up.

And quit looking at me like that.

You know something, Chip?

You got a brother that's a cannibal.

Dad, we got trouble.

Trouble?

What kind of trouble, Mike?

Chip is moving out.

Moving out?

Moving out of where?

Out of the house, I guess.

He won't stay under the same roof as Robbie.

Oh, he didn't say it exactly that way,
but that's what he means.

I thought he was kind of down tonight.

Thought maybe he had another fight with Sudsy or something.

Dad, you better do something about that goofy kid.

I was minding my own business today,
and all of a sudden he came up right

behind me and hit me over the head with a book.

What's the matter with him?

It's about that pig, Dad.

Dad, I think you ought to belt him one.

Well, Chip, what are you doing?

Now run away, Dad.

I'm just moving to the attic.

Dad, tell him that brothers aren't
supposed to go on hitting other brothers

on top of their head with books while they're studying.

I'm not going to lie, Chip.

I'd like an explanation of all this.

I'm waiting, Chip.

Well, Robbie's going to sell Hamlet,
and they're going to make him into bacon.

Will you quit being such a little baby?

Robbie.

Well, I'd like to keep Hamlet, too, but life is full of
all kind of raw deals, and you just got to get used to it.

Besides, I'm in partners with George Van Busick and Hank.

What do you want me to do, go run into them and tell
them my little kid brother wants to keep a pig for a pet?

Yeah, well, I'd rather have him than you.

Would you fellas leave us alone?

But Daddy's been buzzing off.

Just go out and shut the door.

Sit down, Chip.

Chip, I guess in a way this is my fault.

I should have told you why Robbie wanted to raise the pig.

Chip, certain animals are put on this
earth to, well, to sustain others.

There's nothing wrong with it.

It's the way it was meant to be.

Yeah.

Sure is a raw deal.

Yeah.

This ordinary looking bed is.

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Well, the same pasta anytime new from Classico.

That sure has been in there a long enough time.

How would you like to have to explain it to Chip?

Yeah.

Boy, being her father, she has some awful
things connected with it.

I think the excitement's over for tonight.

I'm going to hit the sack.

Good night.

Good night, Mike.

Dad?

Well, he's not too happy about it,
Rob, but I guess he understands.

I think it's safe for you to go back in there.

Good night.

Dad?

Do you suppose it'd be okay that we might
keep handling around here, sort of like tr*mp?

Well, you know better.

Isn't that right?

Hamlet had his destiny right from the start.

You're old enough to understand that.

Yeah, but I'm not old enough to like it.

Neither am I, Rob.

Good night.

Good night.

It's the best looking city pig I've ever seen.

Yeah, I tried to take good care of him.

Boy, he's really a beaut.

George?

Yeah?

Do you think that maybe there's some place
on your farm where you could keep Hamlet?

I mean, suppose I gave up my percentage.

Well, then, do you think you could just, well, keep him?

What for?

Well, maybe you could show him off because he's a city pig.

That doesn't make much sense.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I'm really proud of you, Robbie.

Hey, I tell you what we're going to do with your pig.

We'll enter him in a swine show.

Swine show?

Swine show.

Swine show.

Swine show.

We have a Durock raised in the city.

By this young man right here, Robert Douglas.

Now, Mr. George Van Busschelann,
Douglas told us all the trouble he went

through and how he dug dishes for money to buy corn.

And not to mention the hundreds of cartons
of skim milk he purchased at the supermarket.

But the committee decided to present a special
award to Robert Douglas for raising a pig the hard way.

Stay tuned for another episode of My Three Sons.

As this twice as nice morning continues here on TV Land.