03x22 - The Clunky Kid

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Hank, come here, quick, look at this.

What is it, Rock?

Look.

Look at that.

Hey, great.

A guy never knows when he's going to need
a pre-w*r solenoid.

Yeah.

Hey, Joanie, will you hurry up?

I'm coming.

Hey, what do you think of this clutch disc?

Oh, that's beautiful.

You think we should buy it?

I don't know, we've already got an awful lot of stuff.

Buy it, maybe I can carry it between my teeth.

Okay.

Hey, that heap looks like she's loaded.

So is this heap.

Oh, what a beauty.

Boy, I'd like to rip out this dash.

Didn't I tell you this was a great place?

You told me, but I don't think I like it as well as
Otto's Auto Records or Hennepin's Super Salvage.

What's the matter, Joanie?

All of a sudden you sound kind of sore.

You and I are supposed to be on a date.

Well, aren't we?

Well, somehow I get the feeling we're in a
junkyard with Robbie Douglas as a chaperone.

I'm sorry, Joanie.

I tried to make it doubles, but none of
the girls I know are interested in salvage.

Well, neither am I.

I'm leaving, and don't you try to call me, Hank Ferguson.

I don't ever want to speak to you again.

What?

Joanie, I... You don't need me.

Why don't you try going steady with a wheelbarrow?

What did that boy say?

Hi.

Hello, Robbie.

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for being
the cause of the trouble between you and Hank.

Come in.

Joanie, I don't blame you for being sore.

Sit down.

Thank you.

I guess I just keep forgetting that not everybody
feels the same way about junkyards as I do.

You like some candy?

No, thank you.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you that it was
all my fault and it won't ever happen again.

So, really, there's no reason to stay mad at Hank.

Honest.

You're a very admirable person, Robbie.

I am?

Well, I just thought at least I could do it.

Isn't it funny the way people can be together a lot and
never really see one another until a moment like this?

Yeah.

Well, I think I'd better be going.

I'll tell Hank that everything's okay.

Hank and I are through.

Through?

But, Joanie... I don't know what I ever saw in him.

And after tonight, after the
courageous, unselfish thing you

did, Hank Ferguson looks so
small alongside someone like you.

Well, Hank's not small.

Hank's better than I am, Joanie.

You would be loyal.

But, Joanie, Hank's really a terrific guy.

Would you like some of Mother's Dutch chocolate cake?

No, thank you.

Now, Joanie, I... With mint ripple ice cream?

Okay.

You know, I was feeling so sorry for
myself until you came over, Robbie,

and now I think this is going to be one of
the happiest days of my life.

Come over.

To my house for Robbie and that dumb Hank
Ferguson hog the basketball.

I can't.

How come?

You got social dancing or something this afternoon?

Uh-uh, that's Wednesday.

Well, let's play here, then.

We're full up.

Full up with what?

Kids to play with.

Come on, Sudsy, I got the racetrack all connected.

Hello, Douglas.

Hi, Dixon.

Come on, those two little old racing cars are all set.

You can have the red one.

You got racing cars?

There he brought them over.

So long.

Who wants to play at the racing cars anyway?

We do that too, Douglas.

Okay for you, Pfeiffer.

Well, that was a good dinner.

Excuse me.

I'm going up to my room.

Chip, come here.

You don't need very much.

Do you feel all right?

Yes, sir.

Well, it's nothing.

What's wrong with Chip?

Anybody know?

No, no, no.

He came in broken hearted.

Sudsy gave him the key call for Barry and
a couple of racing cars.

Well, who's Barry?

Barry's the new kid in the neighborhood, Dad.

Seems Sudsy kind of shut Chip off.

Well?

That's perfectly natural.

Chip feels alienated.

What do they call it?

A sibling rejection.

Yeah.

Well, Mike just means that Chip feels
rejected because he's lost his best friend.

It's not a nice feeling.

Well, I had a best friend once.

His name was Bernard Tornquist.

He lived over the grocery store.

He didn't want to play with me one afternoon, so in order
to prove it, he hit me over the head with a snow shovel.

Boy, did I feel rejected.

Well, what did you do?

I busted him in the mouth.

That's what you call applied psychology.

Well, I'm sure this is just a temporary
situation, but I think we all ought to do

what we can to compensate for Chip's losing his friend.

I agree.

Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

Hey, Rob, he can pal around with you.

Well, thanks.

But when I start working for you, I'll let you know.

Robbie, I think you can spare some of your
time for your little brother.

Well, sure, Dad, but I've got to patch
things up between Hank and Johnny first.

Well, Chip could go out with me, but I never go anyplace.

Now, listen to me.

We're all going to help Chip, just the way you'd
like to be helped if you were in the same spot.

Is that understood?

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Okay.

Rush, rush, rush.

That's all we do around here.

Yeah, boy, I overslept this morning.

How about breakfast?

Oh, I haven't got time, Bub.

I'm due at the airbase right now.

Well, morning, Chip.

You're not dressed, huh?

Have you heard from Sudsy?

No.

He's probably playing with Barry.

Who cares?

Where are Mike and Rob?

Robbie's over at Hank's.

Mike had a date.

I asked him if I could go along,
except he said two and a half's a crowd.

Well, I'll see you, Bub.

All right.

So long, Chip.

Dad?

Yeah?

Gonna be gone long?

Oh, a couple of hours, maybe a little longer.

Say, uh, what have you planned for today?

Nothing.

How would you like to go out to the airbase with me?

Airbase?

No kidding?

Yeah.

Come on, get your clothes on.

And hurry it up, because I'm late.

Help me, help!

Come on, you've got time for a cup of coffee.

Come on.

We're going to have to talk to Mike and Rob.

Douglas, I am working on 202 over at 696.

Mm-hmm.

Do you, uh, suppose it would be all right
if I took this young fellow in with me?

You, uh, got some identification?

Do I, Dad?

Well, you just called me Dad.

That means he's my son.

Some of these little fellas fool you.

I could be 40 years old and an international spy.

Driver's license or a social security card?

Uh-uh.

Well, don't you have a name, tag, or anything, Chip?

Oh, this is Robbie.

Well, sometimes I get hand-me-downs.

Identification is standard procedure.

No exceptions.

Well, I guess maybe we'll just have to
leave him here at the gate with you, huh?

Here's my last week's arithmetic paper.

Chip Douglas.

Ninety-six.

I'll accept that.

This is for you, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, fine.

Well, Chip, we'll just stick this on your
pocket here, and you'll be all set, hmm?

Who needs Sudsy?

Thanks very much.

Eaters.

Available for the ready-to-wear price of
$1.99 each with any value mail.

Madonna.

The signs of aging number one by dermatologists.

The signs of aging number one by dermatologists.

Honest, Hank, I only went to see her to
try and patch things up.

So you eat half a chocolate cake,
a pint of mid-ripple ice cream,

and then end the whole thing up by asking
Joanie to go out with you tonight.

Well, I don't know how it happened.

Well, her mother does make awfully good chocolate cake.

Where are you going to take her, Rob?

I'm not going to take her anyplace.

I'm going to get out of the date somehow.

What's the matter?

Don't you like Joanie?

Isn't she good enough for you?

Well, sure I like her, but she's your girl
and we're friends.

Oh.

Hey, wait a minute, Rob.

Listen, I want you to date her.

Well, you do.

How come?

Don't you like her anymore?

Sure I like her.

Well, then what do you want me to take her out for?

I know Joanie.

Every time we have a fight, she has to
show me by dating some other guy.

It's supposed to worry me, you know, get me back in line.

Well, this time she's picked the wrong guy.

Me.

Well, look, if she's got to date somebody,
who could be better than my best buddy?

Well, yeah, but Hank's supposed
to... Look, Rob, a couple of dates

with you giving her the evil eye,
she'll come running back to old Hank.

It couldn't be better if I planned it.

Hank, I just got an idea.

One date with me may be enough.

Poor Joanie.

That's the spurt, Rob.

See if we can get this wheel.

Oh, yes.

Boy, I don't get it.

All of a sudden, I'm included in everything.

Well, what's there to get?

I've got a date with Joanie, you've got a date with Joanie.

Yeah, but does Joanie know I've got a date with Joanie?

Well, not exactly.

But heck, if a guy can't take his own
brother along on a date, well...

His nine-year-old brother has a 16-year-old date?

Well, so what, Chip?

Well, I mean, you talk very materially about baseball
and geography and comic strips and all that jazz.

Yeah, but what if she gets sore?

Joanie gets sore?

Forget it, Chip.

She'll be delighted.

It's gonna be a ball.

You can rate her icebox and play her TV.

And you and Joanie can even practice social dancing.

Social dancing?

Well, or goof off.

Anything you want.

Boy, I'll bet you Sudsy Pfeiffer never
went out with a girl over 10 years old.

Well, I'm not sure he wanted to.

Wait till Sudsy hears you went out on a date.

And stayed out till all hours of the morning.

Like, uh, 10.30 P.M.?



Yep.

Gosh, does Dad know I'll be out that late?

Well, sure.

Listen, Chip, this whole family's on this kick.

We're gonna do everything we can to make
you forget about Sudsy.



Who's Sudsy?

Come on.

Boy, this is really great.

I don't get to go out much on Saturday nights ever.

Oh, that's okay.

And you don't have to be polite and all
that stuff with Joanie.

Just be yourself.

Hello, Robbie.

Hi, Joanie.

I brought my little brother.

Your what?

My little brother.

Chip, this is Joanie Cloth.

Hi.

Hi.

Come on in.

Chip, would you like something?

Maybe a soda pop?

Boy, that'd be great.

You can get it out of the icebox.

Thanks.

Do you always take him on dates with you?

Well, you see, he got in a fight with his best friend.

That's Sudsy Pfeiffer.

And he was supposed to stay overnight with him.

And, well, somebody had to be nice to the kid.

I'll bet you think I'm really a knucklehead.

Boy, I bet your good old Hank wouldn't do
a dumb thing like this.

He certainly wouldn't.

No.

I'll bet you wish Hank was here and I was
lost or something.

I think what you're doing is the sweetest,
most unselfish thing I ever heard of.

Yeah, I'll bet you even...

You mean, you think just because
I brought Chip over here that... Yes.

I feel it's something that Albert Schweitzer would do.

Hi, Chip.

Sorry, we're all full up.

Want to play spaceman?

You can get to the moon first.

I can't.

I've got too much stuff to do.

We can play traffic, and you can run over
me with your wagon.

Why?

I don't want anybody to hear your clunky voice.

But I'm your best friend.

I'll even come in and stay for dinner.

I'm too busy, Pfeiffer.

I got home at 23.

Minutes after 10 last night.

Pfeiffer, where were you?

At a chick's house with Robbie.

You were gone all afternoon, too.

I came by.

Yeah.

I went to this place where you had to have
a badge with your name on it to get in.

God.

Top secret m*ssile base.

And I was in a wind tunnel.

That's all I'm allowed to tell you.

Man.

All kinds of neat things have been happening to me
ever since you threw me out of your house the other day.

Yeah, well.

Want me to take you to see a dead cat?

Where?

I'll show you.

I can't.

I'm going to the doubleheader.

How about tomorrow?

I'm going to Mike's fraternity house out at the college.

Well, how about the day after tomorrow?

I've got too much important stuff to do.

Who is it, Chip?

Just some kids trying to sell something.

We don't want any.

See if Barry Dixon wants to buy some.

Oh, how you coming?

Pretty wild.

Well, it's fine.

About finished?

Just about.

Dad, when a girl turns into a woman,
is she as goofy as when she was a girl?

Well, that's a question no man dares to answer.

Why do you ask?

Well, it's Joanie.

Joanie?

Yeah, you know, Hank's girl.

Oh, yeah.

She's a real feather head.

Well, now.

Steve, where's Chip?

He's in the house.

Why, Douglas?

We're going to have a family conference minus one.

What's he done?

He's been playing us for a bunch of patsies.

We're going to teach him a lesson,
but not with psychology, Charlie.

We're going to be a little sneaky.

He's been giving Sudsy the brush off,
telling us one thing and doing another.

Cute little fella makes up stories.

You're getting two, two episodes in a row
of your parka, sold separately.

A junk.

Honey.

Flavors.

Did you know you're almost done?

Pain.

Take it for life.

Oh, hey.

I didn't act.

I know, Chip did.

Oh, yeah.

Knock it out.

Come on, stand up.

What's the matter, Chip?

We're going home soon.

Oh, we'll be here for a while, yeah, Chipper.

I want to check this stress problem on the
air for a while here.

Interesting problem, isn't it?

Sure.

You're a very lucky fellow, Chip, to be able to
do all these grown-up things at your age, hmm?

And how.

Learning how to cook, going to the college library
with Mike, playing basketball with Robbie and Hank.

I don't play the same roles as Sudsy and me.

Oh?

How is Sudsy, by the way?

I don't know.

I guess we really haven't given you much
time to think about him, have we?

I guess not.

Well, you've really got a busy week ahead of you.

Going to the biology lab with Mike,
playing touch football with Hank and Robbie?

Bub says he might even show you how to make glazed carrots.

How about that?

Yeah, how about that?

Now you're really living, aren't you?

Yeah.

Say, I have to go and check out something downstairs.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

Yeah, there's Chip.

You know, Chip.

Chip Douglas.

Yeah, well, it's okay with me if you want
to horse around or do something later.

Sure.

See ya.

If I say something stupid, I'm remarkable.

If I try to be boring, I'm Albert Schweitzer.

Well, you never met with a girl like Joanie, right?

Well, I keep telling her how great you are, Hank.

And what does she say?

Well, so far, you're the only thing we disagree on.

Hey, would you mind keeping that stuff in
your locker for a day or so?

Yeah.

Open my locker for me.

Well, maybe you're using the wrong approach, Rob.

What do you mean?

Force Joanie to defend me.

How could I do that?

Well, instead of telling her what a great guy I
am, tell her how lucky she is to get rid of me.

Oh, Hank, I couldn't do a thing like that.

Sure you can.

Make up a bunch of stuff.

And tell her how I'm always talking too
much and too loud, never on time,

and always have to have things my own way.

Laugh at my own jokes, you know, stuff like that.

But, Hank, you're my best friend.

Prove it.

Make me sound like the world's worst heel.

Robbie Douglas, I don't know how you can
say such awful things about Hank.

Well, they're true.

And don't you believe that if something's true,
even though it's unpleasant, you ought to face it?

But where's your loyalty?

I thought you were Hank's best friend.

Well, I am.

I'm Hank's best friend in spite of all his faults.

I like Hank even though he is a
loud-mouthed, self-centered rat-fink.

That's enough.

I won't listen to another word.

Hank Ferguson isn't perfect, but he'd
never betray a friend.

He's not too loud at all, and suppose he
does laugh at his own jokes.

They're funny.

You haven't said anything funny in days.

If you think Hank's so great, why don't
you call him and tell him so?

Maybe I will.

And the next time you're facing the truth, why don't
you take a good look at yourself, you Benedict Arnold?

Hey, where are you two going?

We're going to use the bathtub as a spaceship.

Have you been in my cookie jar?

Provision.

Well, give my regards to Venus as you pass by.

Hello, Mr. O'Casey.

Hello, Hank.

Come in.

Mr. Douglas, how are you, sir?

Good.

Could I see outside a minute, Rob?

Sure.

You Benedict Arnold.

What are you talking about?

I trusted you like a brother, and what did you do?

What did I do?

You turned my girl against me, that's all.

Telling her I was a loud-mouthed,
self-centered rat-fink that laughed at my own jokes.

Well, you told me to tell her that, and I did.

And she got sore of me and said all those things.

All those things I said about you weren't true.

And you keep your grubby, six-foot-three hands off of me.

Okay.

I went fine at first, and all of a sudden I
noticed you're staring at me kind of funny-like.

What's the matter?

Ronnie was right.

You're impossible, Hank Ferguson.

I don't want to see you again.

What are you going to blame me for?

Who else am I going to blame?

It was your fault.

It was your idea.

You know, Bob, friendship is a wonderful thing.

There's nothing like it.

Stay tuned for another episode of My Three Sons as
this twice as nice morning continues here on TV Land.