03x17 - How to Impress a Woman

[bunniefuu]

You see, Laurie, Grimm's department stores decided
to do this big advertising spread on college fashion.

Now, somebody got the brilliant idea to
use real college girls as the models.

Our school paper has a tie-up, so I'm in charge.

Well, why did you have to choose Ginny Stewart?

Well, we need several models, the
prettiest girls in school.

Well, Ginny's always trying to make
everyone think you're chasing her.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Just because she has red hair is curvy,
beautiful, and drives a convertible.

So, you know, she sounds pretty good at that.

None of these days.

Excuse me.

Is this the campus editorial office?

Oh, uh, Miss Hopkins from, uh, Grimm's?

Right.

I'm Mike Douglas.

I'm in charge of the project.

How do you do?

Uh, here's our first model, Laurie Burns.

How do you do?

Very attractive.

Yes.

Thank you.

I mean, you're going to be perfect for our
jumper with our twinkle-team blouse.

Well, where are the other girls, Douglas?

Oh, uh, they'll be here.

I've, uh, scheduled them at 15-minute intervals.

Good thinking.

Now, where can I work?

Right here.

Ah, fine.

Well, now, I don't think we'll need you
anymore today, Miss Burns.

We'll call you for fitting.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Bye, Mike.

Bye.

I've lined up five co-eds all together.

Two blondes, two brunettes, one redhead.

From 5'2 to 5'7, sizes 10 through 12, no
weights over 118, and all with a B-plus average.

Let that last for the Dean of women.

You are on the ball, Douglas.

Thanks, Miss Hopkins.

Call me Sue.

All right.

Sue?

Hi, Mike.

Hi, Ginny.

Uh, Sue, this is Ginny Stewart.

Ginny, Miss Hopkins from Grimms.

How do you do?

Hello.

Well, now, let's see.

I think you're the tailored type.

Uh, why don't we put you in our little
gold traveling suit, hmm?

Fine.

Good.

Now, let's see you walk.

Walk?

Walk?

Uh, well... Oh, no, dear.

Not quite.

Watch me.

Each foot in front of the other.

Hmm?

Yes, very good.

We won't need you anymore today.

We'll call you for fitness.

Gee, thanks.

Bye now.

Bye.

Bye, Mike.

Goodbye, Karen.

Cute, huh?

Yes.

She's a nice kid.

Hey!

Hey, it's quarter after twelve.

Let me buy you lunch.

No!

I couldn't let a girl buy me lunch.

Don't think of me as a girl.

Well, it's not easy thinking of you as a boy.

Think of me as an expense accountant.

Come on.

It was my idea to have the girls going to an art museum
and then pose each one in front of a modern painting.

Hey, that's a pretty good idea.

Yeah.

Like, uh, Karen with Picasso.

Or, uh, Laurie.

With Renoir.

Or, uh, Ginny with Modigliani.

Mike, did you stay out of school a few
years between high school and college?

No.

Why?

You just seem more mature than the other college boys.

Oh, well, uh, I do, uh, feel older.

As a matter of fact, I wouldn't hesitate
to marry an older man.

Say, uh, Steinbeck or a Jose Martinez.

Jose Martinez.

Funny you should mention a guitarist.

Why, do you play?

I just happen to be building a guitar.

Building a guitar?

Well, now, that's what I call dedication.

You must play very well.

Oh, no, actually, I'm, uh, I'm awful.

Oh, now, don't be modest, Mike.

I want to hear you.

I have an absolute passion for guitar music.

You do?

How about that?

Hey, that's great.

And I remember when you had trouble with Blue Tail Fly.

Well, I still do.

Well, uh, how'd you pick this up?

I didn't.

I just have an adequate, uh, knowledge of the
fingering, and a brother upstairs with a record player.

See?

He puts the record on, and I just merely
go through the motions.

Yeah, but watch this.

Well, that's fantastic, I tell you.

See, it works on the same principle as a ventriloquist.

And it's the first time I've ever seen it
done with two dummies.

You know, Mike, it's awful risky.

Wouldn't you be better off struggling
through Blue Tail Fly?

Rob, I want to impress this girl, not make her sick.

All I have to do is plug in, find a
window, drop the cord out to you.

Okay, now, suppose you get that far.

How do I know when to start playing?

Well, um, I'll work up an electrical signal.

Like, uh, putting a button on the guitar
and then a light on the record player.

See, I'll put it right here.

And when it, uh, when it flashes, you'll
count to four and then put the record on.

Oh, boy, I don't know.

It still sounds pretty far out.

Yeah, maybe so.

But she's really hip, and I don't know any
other way to impress her.

When you get to be my age, you'll
understand about older women.

Okay.

Well, hi, Mike.

Hi.

What a pleasant surprise.

I was expecting someone else.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's all right.

Come on in.

Those two girlfriends, I've told them about you.

Oh, I'm glad you brought your guitar.

Would you excuse me for a second while I put on a dress?

Sure.

This thing's electric.

I have to hook it up and drop a ground wire outside.

Okay.

Okay, now see if the signal works.

Okay, perfect.

All set, Mike?

All set.

Oh, hi.

Sue, how are you?

Come in.

Take a seat.

I want you to meet someone.

This is Mike Douglas.

This is Gretchen Ryan.

This is Sally and Maria Phillips.

Hello, Mike.

Hi.

Mike's going to play his guitar for us.

Oh, I love guitar.

Well, he built this instrument.

Oh, that's what I call a real music lover.

What are you going to play, Mike?

Well, for our first number, I...

For my first number, I thought I'd play,
well, something unusual for...

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

You can't quit now.

That was just the beginning.

Oh, well, uh, I wouldn't want to over...

Don't be silly.

Well, okay, maybe just one more number.

But, uh, just one more.

Mike, do you know something really wild?

Really wild?

Uh...

How about, uh, uh, flamenco fantasy?

Anything wrong, Mike?

Uh, probably just the wiring.

Oh, uh, nothing at all.

It, uh, happens all the time.

You know, those, uh, Spanish, uh,
Spanish numbers are dynamite.

What is it?

Even eczema or psoriasis.

Try Cortisone 10+.

Oh, hi, Mike.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Steve.

Hey, you better brace yourself.

Brace myself?

Yeah.

For what?

Here, read this much that Mike's been reading in that book.

You'll see what I mean.

Lines to an older love.

Lines to an older love.

What fools they are who say there can be
no Ember, no flame between young May.

Who's May?

Mike is May.

Mike is May?

And an older woman is December.

And I think she has him trapped.

She's what?

She's tricked him into a promise of marriage.

He's leaving school and everything.

Who is this older woman?

Why, she's got to be an adventurist.

Oh, come on.

Bub, don't make it sound like something out of the g*y 90s.

Well, in my day, women like that used to make up to men
of well-to-do families and then have the father buy her off.

Well, we better go and have a look at her
just to make sure.

And you better bring your checkbook along.

Just in case.

Hi, Mike.

Well, here's your jumper and a twinkle-team glove.

Ah, good.

That's the last one.

Come on.

Laurie, I'm sure we'll work together again someday.

Well, you sound like you're going to the moon.

Well, you girls have worked hard, and
Sue and I want you to know we appreciate it.

Oh, Sue and you.

Yeah.

Oh, my eyes.

Hi.

Hi.

What's the matter with Laurie?

Oh, just an adolescent crisis.

I thought you two were going steady.

Oh, no, I'm, uh, I'm just sort of a big brother to her.

Of course, I, uh, I won't be seeing much of
Laurie or any of the rest of these kids from now on.

What do you mean?

Well, I've, uh, I've decided to leave school.

It's time I got a job.

Oh.

Well, the clothes are all back.

I guess that puts finish on the job.

Well, that's fine, Mike.

I've loved working with you.

I hate to say goodbye.

Goodbye?

Why, it's just the beginning.

The beginning?

Sure.

In fact, I was thinking about dropping by tonight.

Something pretty important.

Oh, well, um, certainly, Mike.

Um, how about, uh, eight O'clock?

Swell.

Right here.

Let me help you out the car with these.

Oh, thank you.

You're, uh, sure this is the building, huh?

Yeah, I got the address from Robbie.

Yeah, well, uh, look, Bob, why don't you
stay here and let me handle it?

No, no, no, you'll foul up the whole thing.

Did you bring your checkbook along?

Yeah, I mean, of course not.

But you sound like a chorus girl and a millionaire playboy.

Now, stop it, will you?

Now, don't...

Miss Hopkins?

Yes?

I'm Steve Douglas.

Mike's father.

How do you do?

This is his grandfather, Bub O'Casey.

How do you do?

I wonder if we could talk to you.

Oh, yes, of course.

Come in.

Thank you.

I was expecting Mike.

Yes, we know.

That's what we want to talk to you about.

Oh.

Well, won't you sit down?

Miss Hopkins, Mike doesn't know we're here.

We figured he's a little too young for this kind of talk.

I'm his grandfather, and I've been around a little, honey.

Don't bother.

Oh, I see.

You think that Mike is in the clutches of
a designing woman.

Sounds crazy, doesn't it?

Not to me.

Marlene Dietrich did the same thing to
Jimmy Stewart, and Destry rides again.

Mr. Douglas, Mike is handsome, charming, and thoughtful.

I realized he was a very nice boy the first day we met.

But he isn't anymore, is that it?

Or Bub?

Mr. Douglas, I almost phoned you today for help.

I suddenly realized that a casual
relationship is getting out of hand.

Casual relationship?

Yes.

I have a terrible feeling that Mike is
coming here tonight to propose.

What did I tell you?

He's hooked.

Wait a minute, Bub.

Miss Hopkins, what is your answer going to be?

Yeah, what are you going to say?

I'm going to say no.

Gently, reluctantly, but positively.

Oh.

Oh.

Miss Hopkins, I'm sure you understand why
we were concerned.

But now that I've met you, I just want to say
that I can understand why Mike is attracted to you.

So can I.

Thank you both.

I'm afraid this whole thing is my fault.

I just didn't take him seriously enough.

It won't be easy to tell him the truth.

But I'm sure you'll do it gently,
reluctantly, and positively.

We'd better go before Mike gets here.

All right.

I hope you'll forgive us, Miss Hopkins.

That must be Mike.

Let me answer the door, will you, Miss Hopkins?

I just want to get the look on his face.

Then we'll both bail out.

Is there a back way out, Miss Hopkins?

Oh, yes, the kitchen.

Come on, Bob.

Just one up, come on.

Goodbye.

You're getting two.

Two episodes.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, what I have to say can be said better
with background music.

Oh, come in.

I have a few things to say to you, too.

Make yourself at home.

Oh.

You, uh, have to ground the wires or
you'll get an awful shock.

Robbie?

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Bob.

What are you doing here?

He's the ventriloquist.

Mike's the dummy.

You mean you play records down
here and Mike... And Mike takes the bath.

Come on, Robbie.

You can go home with us.

The concert's canceled.

Why, Bub?

Well, Rob, I have a feeling that Mike is
just about to give up the guitar.

Oh.

Well, if you don't mind, I think I'll wait here for him.

He might need me.

Oh, fine.

Oh, I'll tell you what you might do.

Why don't you give him about eight bars of
good snappy exit music?

Bub, I thought Miss Hopkins was really very nice.

Poor and adventurous.

You know something, Steve?

They're sure making older women a lot younger these days.

I don't understand.

I'll always be proud you asked me, Mike.

Of course, you didn't actually ask me.

Well, how did you know I was about to?

Oh, there was a certain chemistry between us.

I was aware of it, too.

Yeah.

Chemistry is right.

But how do you think I'd feel if you quit college over me?

Well, school is for kids.

College is the difference
between a fine future for a bright

young boy and a long, empty nothing for a miserable couple.

Couple?

Us?

Well, good night, Mike.

But I just got here.

Well, I want you to go now while I still
have the courage to give you up.

I could play one number.

Oh, no, no.

I'd really rather remember that song you
played the first night.

I was really grounded.

Go to.

School and get a part-time job.

Look, up in the sky, it's a bird,
it's a plane, it's not Superman,

it's My Favorite Martian.

Stay tuned for two episodes of My Favorite
Martian during this twice as nice morning on TV Land.