01x04 - Purchase

[bunniefuu]

Curtis: They can't be that hard
to find.

They're throwing stars
but they're made of wood.

We're in an attic, sir. There's
a lot of wood. [ Device beeps ]

But, like,
George Washington wood.

Cherry. Like his teeth
and left nipple.

Sorry. His left what?

There were some things
he could tell a lie about.

But he could also carve
a throwing star more lethal

than most g*ns,

which is a perfect point
to make at this seminar

for at-risk youth.

Do at-risk youth
attend a lot of seminars?

Less problematizing,
more robot-eyes'ing.

I thought I'd find
you guys here...

because I surveilled
you entering.

Are those hot wings?

For me, yes. You, no.
Excuse me?

I'm your boss
and the g*dd*mn president.

Executive order, b*tch.
f*cking Christ! O'Doyle!

These would k*ll you, sir.
[ Straining ]

My half-leprechaun stomach
can digest molten metals.

My male brain can only hear
that as a challenge!

I understand what you mean,
but it doesn't apply to this.

It's actual poison.
Must... eat...

lethal... chicken.

[ Straining ]
Garbage. See?

It's garbage now.
[ Sighs ] That's true.

I can't eat out of the garbage.

That would be less alpha.
Whoa.

$15 million from Jefferson
to Napoleon for...

Louisiana? Damn, Banks.

You found the receipt
for the Louisiana Purchase?

People have been asking to see
this for 200 years.

All French people, but still.

Wait, we bought Louisiana
from France?

Oh!

I just now got the accent.

[ French accent ]
Huh-huh-huh!

[ Normal voice ]
So I didn't go to college.

Or grade school?

Is that where you learned
to be mean?!

Not just Louisiana, O'Doyle.

It was the whole territory.

How big, Banks?
Like half of America?


Damn!

Those are
state-sized states, too.

They may have invented sex,

but that's the day
France got royally...

You almost sound proud of it.

I can't root for the home team?

You know what Jefferson said...

"Desperate times make
for great deals."

What's this part down here?

Looks like Napoleon scribbled
a little somethin'-somethin'.

"Oh, and one more thing...

You are forbidden
from entering the cave

in the third Rocky Mountain."

It's initialed by Jefferson.

Third from the left?
Third rockiest?

Third mountainest?
Good thing we'll never know.

It's forbidden.
[ Scoffs ]

So you root for the home team,

but you're okay being told
by a foreign dictator

there's a part of your country
you're not allowed in?

I'm not allowed in a lot
of the country, Banks.

Pilot lounges. The actual horse
part of the horse track.

Everyone's home.

My job is to leave the stuff
that's working alone.

It's called respecting
the legacy of...

[ Gasps ] George Washington's
throwing stars!

Ooh! There's one
for each original colony!

Delaware! Virginia!
Rhode Island! Damn.

The only thing those youths are
at risk of is losing their sh*t.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Device beeps ]

[ Notes play ]

What's up, guys?
I'm Amil Bhattam.

And today
we're getting to the bottom

of Lincoln's hat.

More specifically,
the groundswell of support

to add a top hat to Lincoln's
head on Mount Rushmore.

First up,
we got Senator Hapkins,

primary sponsor
of the 4-score bill,

as well as Martin Popple,

leader of the Hats Off movement.

Sarah, why exactly do you want
to add

a 20-story granite hat
to Lincoln's head?

Sarah: Well, it was Lincoln
who once said,

"Give me a hat
with such strength of brim,

the whole world can rest
peacefully and dine."

Which is, of course,
why we're adding

a rotating restaurant
to the brim.

Martin: Oh-kayy.
Sarah is clearly

just spouting Hatter
propaganda. Ha!

Oh, so we should pretend
Lincoln didn't have a hat?

You're defacing
a national monument

to sell hat merch and
beard-shaped beignets!

Lincoln would hate you!

He would hate yo...

Another moment alone with my
thoughts successfully avoided.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

Alright, Banks.
Be on alert. Head on a swivel.

It's up to you, and only you,

to figure out
what the French are hid...

Oh, come on, guys!
What the f*ck?

-Oh, hey, Banks.
-Your stealth game is weak.

What the hell are
you guys doing here?

I thought you wanted
to leave this alone!

And I thought you'd listen to
me, but, of course, you didn't.

O'Doyle saw you putting on
the squirrel suit

in the locker room.

You ratted on me?!

We did a whole thing
about that last week.

We resolved it.

Yeah,
but I still owed you a rat-out.

Now we're even. He's the one
who keeps cutting the doughnuts

into pieces in the break room.

You d*ck! Back to not even!
O'Doyle!

Either eat it or don't.

Stop trying to turn
a doughnut into a pizza.

Besides, Banks, look around.

There's nothing here

but etchings
of shoulders and ankles.

It was probably just
Napoleon's jerk-off cave.

Look out!

[ Laughs ]

C'est moi, Napoleon.

What in the hell?

I guess Napoleon was
into One-Eyed Willy tech?

"It's me, Napoleon.

You thought you screwed us,
but we screwed you.

You broke our agreement, so I
am declaring Frontier Forfeit."

What's Frontier Forfeit?
"A well-known law"

that allows the seller
to reclaim their land

after a contract breach.

That's right, Jefferson.

I am taking back
the Louisiana Territory.

And you can't stop me,
because you'll be dead.

"Syphilis b*mb!"

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs loudly ]

Anti-syphilis pill?
Anti-syphilis pill?

So Napoleon tried
to k*ll Jefferson

and take back the territory?

Wow, the guy
who conquered all of Europe

tried to reclaim land
and k*ll a guy.

Move over, Watergate!

Should we destroy the evidence,
sir?

What? No. That would actually
make it feel like Watergate.

I don't know what that is.

Okay, big deal. So I didn't see
one Kevin Costner movie.

You mean "Waterworld"?
Whatever. Let's bail.

And, O'Doyle, pack up one

of those ankle etchings
for my, uh...

personal collection.

[ Record scratching ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Bell clangs ]

♪♪

[ Pigeons cooing ]

♪♪

[ expl*si*n ]

♪♪

[ Pigeon squawks ]

♪♪

[ Bell clanging ]

[ Thunder rumbling ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Commandant Dulac straining ]

♪♪

[ Straining continues ]

♪♪

[ Bell tolling ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Speaking French ]

[ Guards gasp ]

[ Guards shouting in French ]

Sir, I know I can be an even
better Secret Service agent

now that I'm a werewolf.

I've got the tech,
I've got the drive.

We tried
to make you a part of the team

and you ate a guy's leg!
But not his head!

That has to count for
something! [ Knock on door ]

Sir, I have Marc Luc de Bergeron
on the line.

He's the head of France's Real
Estate Acquisitions Department.

Real Estate Acquisitions?
[ Door closes ]

This is President Curtis.

What can I do for you, Marc Luc?

A great question, Mr. President.
What can you do for us?

I just wanted to notify you
that France is...

interested in American land.

In case we should need
legal... documentation...

Sorry. Connection bad.
What the hell?

"To legally initiate
Frontier Forfeit,

a representative
of the former seller

must notify
the current landholder..."

f*cking English!

They know we broke
the agreement!

Oh, God damn it!
Wait, Napoleon's dead.

How can he still have
a claim to that land?

His p*nis.
Together: What?

According to


all you needed to be
a French citizen was a d*ck,

so technically,
Napoleon's p*nis is Napoleon.

It was actually
America's law, too,

until they realized
women live longer than men

and, thus, pay more taxes.

-That tracks.
-Wait, they can reclaim

the entire Louisiana Territory
with his p*nis?

If they bring it
to a U.S. court

and certify it as a citizen,
yeah.

What the f*ck, man?

The good news...
His p*nis is still in the wind.

It passed through black market
art circles in New Orleans

a few years back,
and no one has seen it since.

If it's in the shadows
of Louisiana,

I know a guy who can find it.

Banks, get the chopper.

O'Doyle, get the cooler.

And, Chomps, don't even ask.

Sir. Let me be a werewolf
for good.

Why? So you can eat
my innocent legs next?

Hell no.
You two, let's roll!

[ Door slams open ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

God, I'd hate to
actually be able to see in here.

Shh!

[ Hisses ]
Vampire! Stand back!

I'm gonna eat you
like the cattle you are.

I'll make you pray for sunrise,
you bloodsucking b*stard.

[ Both grunting ]

[ Both laugh ]

Well, we got 'em!

We got them so good!

What the hell?
[ Hissing ]

Don't worry, guys.
This is Salem Montgomery.

These guys have helped
every American president

since Washington.
Be honest.

Did you believe
we were gonna fight?

He texted me to make
sure we got it right.

He texted you about this?

Monty, we're in a hurry,
so I'll cut to the chase.

We're looking
for Napoleon's p*nis.

Black market deal, bought
by a very wealthy collector.

Why do you want it?
None of your business, leech.

O'Doyle, don't be a d*ck.
Just show him the stuff.

[ Vampires hiss ]
Elsie.

An off-grid atheistic sex cult
died in a freak avalanche.

The snow preserved their blood
at a perfect 28 degrees.

We're talking rare,
nondenominational O-negative.

[ Hisses, moans ]

Half now, half after
you help us secure the p*nis.

You've got yourself a deal,
Andre.

Eat up, boys!

[ Vampires hiss, moan ]

So, they have straws
in their teeth? What?

I thought they drank blood
with their mouths,

but they're like snakes
with straw teeth?

I was more distracted by their
weird orgasm noises, but yes.

Straw teeth.

sh**t me.
Come on, dummy.

Bet you can't hit me.
You bet me?

With what money?
I bet you'll miss.

[ expl*si*n ]
Chomps: Dr. Finch?

Alan Chomps!
Hey, how's the moon collar?

Eh, not great.

I ate
a construction worker's legs.

No sh*t. We were
fighting these pod people

and the wolf in me just...

well, lost track
of who was on our side.

Aw! Assertive Attack Mode.

My old nemesis.

See, when a werewolf
senses danger,

its sole drive becomes
protecting the pack,

innocent bystanders be damned.

Lie down, pal.

I just want to be
a werewolf for good.

Hey, with Finch, you're gonna
be a werewolf for great.

There's your p*nis,
Mr. President...

inside the private collection
of Armand Russo.

Napoleon's p*nis is
in his Famous Organs Wing,

next to Tutankhamun's brain
and Bette Davis' eyes.

Why are the lights off?
Are we breaking in?

Oh, of course we are.
Why am I asking?

Because you're a narc
at heart, Banks.

Now hack in and bring
down their security system.

What? Just have
the vampires run in there fast.

Ugh, fine. Monty?

You up for a quick
smash-and-grab?

Sorry,
but we need to be invited in.

Oh, my God.

[ Rumbling ]

Who the hell is that?!

♪♪

Vive Napoleon!
Au pénis!

She yelled
"to the p*nis."

Thanks so much, Banks.

[ Yelling ]

Aaaahh!

[ Glass shattering ]

See? They don't have a problem
breaking in!

They're working together!
What is this?

Get off my property...

Aghh!

Vive Napoleon!

You three, go get the p*nis!

Monty and I will hold them off!

But, sir, she's a hemogoblin!

I can hear you, d*ck!

Just do it!

Elsie, do you want
to come inside? Let's go.

[ Alarm blaring ]

There it is!

Huh-huh! Vive Napoleon!

[ Hisses ]

Ha! [ Grunts ]

Aah!

Guard: Allez!

Ha ha ha ha.
Huh-huh-huh-huh.

[ Hisses ]

Elsie! Damn, girl.

I got it! I got the p*nis!

Correction...

J'ai le pénis.

[ Gasps, clears throat ]

[ Screams ]

Mauvaise conception!
Mauvaise conception!

[ Guard screams ]

Pretty quick reflexes
for a piece of sh*t.

[ Yelling ]

L'Amérique va plier le genou!

I don't speak French,
but I assume you're saying

I have a small d*ck!

Aah!

[ Screaming ]

We got it!
We got the p*nis!

It's over.
The p*nis is ours.

And so is the damn territory.

Tie her up, O'Doyle.

And, Monty, classy, as always.

Really earned the payment
this time.

Indeed, we have.

[ Vampires hissing ]

What's that hiss?

That's the only language
you Americans speak...

laser dots and money!

The hell are you talking about?

Jefferson promised us
free reign in Louisiana

if we helped him secure
the territory.

And then he Zuckerberg'd us!

Split the land into states

and squished Louisiana
down into this g*dd*mn boot!

We can't even leave
without being invited in

to other states.

Thankfully, Commandant Dulac
made us a better deal.

Un plaisir, Montgomery.

Oh, this is great.

They're also working
with the French?!

We help get this p*nis
certified in court,

and they'll give us free reign

when Louisiana reverts back
to full size.

We'll eat the tourists
like cattle

and we can finally see Nebraska!

Monty, I was counting on you!

Desperate times
make for great deals.

Ugh.
[ Smooches ]

À la victoire!

Ha ha!

♪♪

Dishonest moon-tanning sluts!

That is the last time
I text a vampire.

You're right about that.

[ Vampires hissing ]

Before you say anything, I had
no idea about the double cross.

Those guys don't tell me sh*t.

Oh, good. The vampire
who's not in the group chat.

Lucky us.

Dr. Finch: Alright.
That should do it.

I modified your collar with a
short-range Innocence Detector.

What's that?

It's kinda right there
in the name, but okay.

If you try to attack
an innocent being,

the collar will auto-flush
with this werewolf suppressant.

And fun bonus...
It's chicken-and-rice-flavored.

[ Cellphone buzzes ]
Hold on, I'm getting a call.

It's probably my wife, Nina.
Oh, scratch that.

Second best.
It's the president.

Go for Chomps.

Curtis: The French got the p*nis
and vampires betrayed us.

What?! Jefferson screwed
us. It's a whole thing.

America needs you
to be a werewolf for good.

I will not let you down, sir.

Great!
Because we're pretty f*cked.

Banks, do you have a hairpin
and three pennies?

[ Gulps ]

What the hell are you doing?

Curtis: His leprechaun stomach
is like a furnace or something!

It can digest metal
and make cool sh*t.

[ Stomach gurgling ]
[ Straining ]

Mm...

Brass alloy.

So I can make wood-tipped
b*ll*ts for your friends.

Is he always this weird?
Usually.

You betrayed your own people.

To save your ungrateful a*s.

Twice, by the way.

Saved your a*s twice,
but who's counting?

You, obviously.

Listen,
if they can throw away loyalties

that easily,
they aren't my people.

[ Sighs ]

I appreciate...

saving...

Just give me the blood.
Please take it.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Electricity buzzing ]

Hey.
Can I help you guys?

Please, invite us in.

Do you want to come in?

It doesn't work like that.

You need to invite us in
so we can see the judge.

You... You want the judge
to invite you in?

I mean, sure.

Why would he come out here?

That's weird.
You're the one who pitched it.

Look, we just need
the judge to slam down his gavel

and declare this p*nis a citizen
capable of owning land.

Yep, the gavel slam can do that.

Sorry. Did you want me
to do something?

I'm still confused.

[ Hisses ]

I think you'll find clarity
on your neck.

H-How am I supposed
to look at my own neck?

Huh. Hang on.
No clarity yet.

Alright, ya meat-muncher.

You are good to go.

Ooh, a scratching post!

Oh, also, Dribble has this show

that just streams raw meat.

Go nuts, big boy.

[ Howling ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

Oh, man.
Why did you k*ll the guard?

He brought me outside. I
thought that's what you wanted.

[ Helicopter approaching ]

Oh, God, who is that?

People with even less patience
than us.

Ha!
Okay, okay. Geez.

Just give me
the subject in question!

Uh, right.

The court hereby
declares this p*nis a citizen,

fully capable of holding land.

In accordance
with outdoor judge rules,

I simply need to bang down
this gavel

on the hood of a car.

[ g*nsh*t ]
Aah!

Gavel's down.

Alright, everyone!
Move, move, move!

Aim for their hearts!

[ Vampires screaming ]
God damn it.

Protéger le pénis!

Okay, definitely bringing these
to the seminar.

See? It's motivational.

[ Vampires screaming ]

Ha! Ha ha!

Uhh!

[ Hisses ]

Ah-aah-aah! Aah-aah!

[ Screaming ]

Ha! [ Grunts ]

Tony: Well, well, well.

f*ck off, Tony.
You think I'm scared?

You can't turn me
and you can't bite me.

Oh, but I can do
a little stakey-stakey.

[ Vampires screaming ]

Perks of being on my good side.

Dr. Finch: Oh, man! Someone
cut them all up into pieces.

And you know
their fingers touched it.

Michael in Accounting!
Whatchu watchin', bro-ham?

I'll tell you what
I'm not watching...

ads!

Ever since I upgraded
to Dribble Pro.

No ads, no problems.

Ruh-oh.

Uh, why'd you just say "ruh-oh"?

Because I put on a show
with raw meat for a werewolf

and it might play ads.

Ruh-oh.

Man on TV:
Is your puppy cold in the snow?

Try Puppy Pals' Paw Booties.

Because innocent paws deserve
to be pampered.

[ Collar beeping ]

[ Growls ]

Oh, oh, oh! Oh, gee.

Oh, oh, man! Whoa!

Frappez votre marteau de juge
sur le capot de la voiture.

Idiot! He can't slam
his gavel on that. Huh?

It needs to be on a car.

Outdoor judge rules.
[ Gasps ]

Espèce d'enfoiré, tu l'as cassé!

What are you gonna do, Monty?
Huh?

Turn me into a vampire?

Yeah, you wish.

You'd be the lamest,
tackiest vampire...

sparkling in the sun-level sh*t.

I'd be cringing.

Oh, but these guys are cool?

If this is the crew

you chose to turn, yikes.

You couldn't pull off the
frilly shirts and you know it!

You have no idea
what I could pull off.

Why are you smiling?

Release the wolf.

[ Chomps screaming ]

Jesus Christ.

Was that supposed
to be a demonstration

of how ruthless you are?

Yes. Did it work?

Montgomery: See?
This is exactly why you'd suck

at being a vampire.

Of all the presidents I've seen,

you have to be the worst!

Coming from your lying,
cheating, Anne Rice-looking a*s,

I take that as a compliment.

I'd rather eat turds
than be like you.

I'll show you turds!

[ Yells ]

[ Groans ]

Put a cross into a crossbow.

Thankfully there was
a church right here.

I'm surprised you didn't use
that element more in the fight.

Chomps, holy sh*t!
You survived!

Well, I did actually die,
but I focused

my werewolf regeneration
into my arm bones.

[ Rooster crows ]

[ Sighs ]

If you two are ever
in New Orleans again,

drop me a line.

I'll be alive...
kinda forever.

And, uh, if you ever want
to see D.C...

you're invited in.

To every part
that isn't the White House.

Or my townhouse.
Or Banks' apartment.

Actually, maybe just call first.

See you when I see you.

Non. [ Gasps ]

[ Sobs ]

Non. Napoleon.

Hey. I, uh...
I think that's how

he would've wanted to go out...

torn and trampled
on the b*ttlefield.

Also, all of you
are under arrest

and banned
from this country forever.

Julia, get me the files on that
new Marseille real estate deal.

[ Telephone rings ]

This is Marc Luc de Burgeron.

Curtis: Hey.
It's President Curtis.

Just wanted to let you know,
your interest in American land

has been noted and rejected.

But there is still a piece of
American land France can have.

Yeah?
Yeah.

My a*s.
You can eat it.

[ Scoffs ] As long
as my people are cooking,

your a*s will be
a culinary treat.

Yeah, right.
My a*s is 10 times tougher

than anything you've ever eaten.

Well, I intend to soak it
in butter.

That'll just make it slippery.

And you can't slip your way out
of a mouth full of me.

Ooh-kay, sir!

Selling past the close!

There he is!
The man of the hour.

How you feeling, Chomps?

Well, I mean, I died,
so I'm in that club now.

It's an adjustment
for all of us, Chomps.

-Post-battle hot wing, anyone?
-You sure?

I thought
we couldn't handle them.

Well, sir,
today I learned it's wrong

to make assumptions
about people.

So I made enough wings
for everyone.

Yes!
Hell yeah!

Janice: Alrighty.

[ Spits ]

Oh, my God.
These are terrible.

Yeah, maybe stop trying
to make the wings a symbol

of how far you've come
and just add less cayenne.

[ Laughter ]

I have a heavy pour.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ]
There goes my GERD.

[ Laughter ]

Janice: Oh, we have fun!

♪ How much for Louisiana? ♪

♪ Just name your price ♪

♪ Vampires
tryin' to be invited ♪

♪ Stole a p*nis from a jar ♪

♪ Voulez Voo Doo ♪

♪ Je m'appelle soapy ba*ls ♪

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

♪♪

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

♪♪

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

[ Cellphone whooshes ]