02x08 - Fraudcast News

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ My words are lazy ♪
♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one thing ♪
♪ I'm sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

[♪♪♪]

-Oh, I can't believe

my boys are
high school graduates now.

-Yep. And all without openin'
a single book

or applyin' ourselves
in any way.

-g*n to my head,
I couldn't find Europe on a map.

Is it the one
shaped like a hand?

-I got through two years
of French

just knowing five words.

Baguette.

Déjà vu.

Gérard. Depardieu.

-Boys, the world is
your oyster now.

-No, it ain't.

From here on out,

there's no more gravy train.

All right?
You're an adult now, Johnny.

That means responsibility.

-Don't you worry, Dad.

You have my word.

I am gonna take adulthood

and grab it by the a*s.

-Speaking of,
I gotta take a dump.

That was a long
f*cking ceremony.

-Jesus, we don't all need
to hear about it.

-Have a good stool, Matty.

And, Johnny, did you do
your doo-doos yet today?

-Oh, Ma, I'm 18 now.

Mine is stools too.

-Oh, good heavens,
you're right.

You're right.

Oh!

How time flies.

[♪♪♪]

-You said someone's
tokin' some reefer.

-[chuckles] No,
I may have said something

about smelling some pot.

You know,
it’s just an observation.

-Oh, an observation, huh?

-Well, who the hell are you,
man, Isaac f*ck' Newton?

-It's kind of hard
for me to buy that

this guy has Isaac Newton
on the tip of his tongue.

-Yeah, and he really seemed
to have it locked and loaded.

Like, "I hope
a situation arises today

where I can mention
my favorite scientist."

-Oh, look, they're gonna fight.

-Why don't you observe
while I punch your teeth

down your f*cking throat.
-Come on!

-Why do guys always take
their shirts off

when they're about to fight?

-'Cause guys will
always look at n*pples.

-Really?
-Oh, yeah.

If they're out,
a guy's lookin'.

And while he's lost
in your n*pples,

you punch him in the face.
-Wow.

-Yeah. Ask Evander Holyfield.

-Hey, buddy,
my fists are up here.

-Exactly.

If JFK had been
in the car shirtless,

he'd be alive today.

Susan: Boys! Dinner's ready!

-To be continued.

[John grunts]

-By the way,
there's a surprise

in the salad.

Sun-dried tomatoes.

I got turned around
at the Stop and Shop,

and I ended up
in the ethnic aisle.

-Sun-dried is just
a fancy word for old.

It's a wop scam.
-Italian scam.

Wait. No.

-Save 'em and give 'em out

to the kids with the mustaches
on Halloween.

-Jesus Christ,
you are such a f*ck' bigot.

It's like I'm living
with Mark Fuhrman.

-Oh, Christ. Not this again.

-Oh, what?
Because you still can't admit

he is a crooked,
lying sack of--

-O.J. did it! All right?

If-if the cops
planted evidence,

it was just to make up
for O.J. un-planting it.

-That doesn't make any sense.

-John, how'd your
interview go today?

-What?
-At my buddy Tommy's tire shop.

Hey, it wasn't easy
gettin' you in there.

Luckily, there was an opening
because Bob Donahue

got crushed under a truck.

-Right. The interview.

Um... it went great.

I looked him right in the eye,
and I gave him

a firm handshake and everything.

-Tommy doesn't have a hand.

-Oh.
-Lost it

in a tire balancer last year.

-This sounds like a uniquely
dangerous workplace.

-I shook his nub.
-He doesn't have a nub.

It goes all the way
up to the shoulder!

-I shook his shoulder.

-He's a head on a torso!

-How is this guy a mechanic?

-Okay, Dad--
-You didn't f*ck' go, did you?

-No, but--
-Goddammit!

I can't f*cking believe it!

-If he takes his shirt off,

don't get distracted
by his n*pples.

-See, the thing is--
-No!

I'm sick
of your f*cking excuses.

Y-you didn't get into college.
You ain't got a job.

You ain't done nothin'
but sit on your a*s since June.

-Matty, he's a late bloomer.

-He's a boy, Susan.

Don't talk about him bloomin'.

-But it's wonderful
when a boy blooms.

-I said stop it!
You know what?

The two of you are kicked
out of this f*cking house!

-Matty!
-No more free rides!

-Matty, no!

-No. It's for
his own good, Susan.

My kid ain't gonna
f*ck' wind up

like a f*ck' welfare queen.

-And more racism.

-How the f*ck is that r*cist?

-You just said welfare queen.
-So?

-So that is a r*cist
black stereotype.

-I never said she was black.

-Oh, so it's automatically
a woman?

-Well, a man's not poppin'
out babies just to get rich,

and don't change
the f*ck' subject.

I am tired
of comin' home every day

to a house
full of freeloaders who...

[groans] f*ck!

-Matty?
-Dad, are you okay?

-Ah, it's f*cking indigestion.

[groans] Feels like...

Dom DeLuise
is sitting on my chest.

-Honey, you want some Mylanta?

-Oh, sh*t.

-[thuds]
-[screams]

[♪♪♪]

-Doctor,
is he gonna be okay?

-He's stable, but there are
blockages in his arteries,

so another cardiac event
is likely.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, Doc.

Explain it to me
in sewage terms.

Is it just a clogged sink,
or is the main line blocked

and the sh*t comin' up
through the shower drain?

-I guess it's closer
to the second one.

I'll need your consent
to insert a stent

into each blocked artery.

-Well, who's gonna do it?

-I'll be performing
the procedure.

-Oh, yeah?

What about this guy?

-He's a nurse.

-A guy?

-Yes.
-What the f*ck's goin' on?

Did you give me
the drugs already?

-Will you stop being
a f*ck' as*h*le

and let him save your life?

[sighs]

-All right. Fine.

-I'm so sorry.

-I'm a doctor in Massachusetts.

If I didn't save r*cist lives,
I would do nothing.

-Susan, I'm scared.

-Everything's gonna be
all right, honey.

I love you so much.

-I love you too.

A-and, son.

-Yeah, Dad?

-I-I-I don't say this
enough, but...

you really need
a f*ck' haircut.

-I know, Dad.

-Hey, Johnny, look,
I'm the kid in the wheelchair

at the school dance
who's also havin' a good time.

[♪♪♪]

[sighs softly]

-Hey.

-Di--

Did you just put
a breast cancer

self-exam pamphlet
in your pocket?

-It's for when I get home.

-I'm ju-- I'm just curious.

In the fantasy,
does she find a lump?

-Yeah. In my pants.

-Not your best work, but you're
under a lot of stress.

It's not even
a photo on there.

You're just gonna jerk off
to a line drawing?

-Doctor, how is he?
Is he gonna be okay?

-Also, the vending machine ate
one of my quarters.

Is there a form
I can fill out or...

-The procedure went
very smoothly, Mrs. Bennett.

-Oh. Thank God.

I'm so relieved.

-So Matty's gonna be okay?

-Well, he's not out
of the woods yet.

His condition is
very delicate,

especially for
the next few weeks.

-W-what does that mean?

-He needs to remain calm.

If he gets overly agitated
or angry,

it could trigger
another heart attack.

Possibly be fatal.

-We'll say our goodbyes now.

[pop music playing on TV]

-♪ It's too hot ♪
-♪ Too hot ♪

♪ Too hot... ♪

-I think the best part of
The Grind is all the grindin'.

-We're blessed to live in a time
when dancing is just girls

rubbin' their butts against
the d*ck area of guys' jeans.

-The patient is
resting comfortably.

-He's not pissed about having
to eat egg whites from now on?

-Oh, I disguise them
with yellow food coloring.

And tonight,
I'm gonna use red dye

to make the ground turkey
look like ground beef.

This must be what
it feels like to be a spy.

[hip-hop music playing]

Oh, Johnny,
please change the channel.

I don't want your father
to hear this.

He calls it burglary music.

-Delightful.

Judge Ito [on TV]: All right,
Mr. Simpson, would you

please stand
and face the jury?

-Oh, my God, I think they're
about to announce the verdict.

jury foreman: We, the jury
in the above-entitled action,

find the defendant,
Orenthal James Simpson,

not guilty of the crime
of m*rder.

-Holy sh*t. He got away with it.

-Well, that was a year
and a half of our lives.

-Oh, this is very, very bad.

-Well, at least
it might finally teach

the LAPD a lesson.

-Matty's always talkin'
about how guilty O.J. is.

If he finds out about this,
he'll get so angry

it could k*ll him.

-Making him O.J.'s third victim.

[♪♪♪]

-Matty will be up soon.
How do we tell him about O.J.?

-Oh, let's tell him
Johnny's g*y.

When he finds out it's not true,
he'll be so relieved

he won't even care about O.J.

-That's a stupid plan.

-Well, it's worth a try.

Now, we're gonna need
rollerblades,

bicycle shorts,
and some ice cream

to get angry at.

-What does that mean?

-Well, because
the ice cream

wants you to eat it,

but you gotta keep
your body lean

for shenanigans.

-What if we don't tell him?

-What?
-He's stuck in bed.

He'll never know.

-Yes, he will.

There's a TV up there.

-It's a Zenith.

-We can cut the wires
and tell him the cable's out.

-What, forever?
-No. Not forever.

Just till he's better
and he can handle the news.

-That could work.
-Are you serious?

-Blaire, you heard the doctor.

If he gets pissed off,
it'll k*ll him.

-Oh, I can't lose my Matty.
What would I do without him?

-Thrive.

-I feel like this is
all my fault.

Dad would have never had
that heart attack

if he hadn't been so upset
about me bein' lazy.

Blaire, we gotta do this.

-[sighs] Fine.

-It's not all
your fault, Johnny.

I've seen him put a scoop
of Crisco on an ice cream cone.

-He does love
his Cris-cones. [chuckles]

Mm.

[♪♪♪]

[inhales]

[groans, sighs]

[crackling]

-Goddammit!

Susan!

-Matty, what's the matter?

-Something wrong with the TV.
I can't get sh*t.

-Oh, yeah. The, uh,
the cable company called.

They said it's gonna be out
for at least a week.

-Why don't you read a book?

-What am I, a woman?

-Uh...
-Guys are nurses,

men reading books.

Janet Reno.

What the f*ck is goin' on
with the world?

-Matty, don't get upset.

Remember,
the doctor said to keep calm.

-I wanna watch the news.

The O.J. verdict's gotta be
out by now.

You know what?
I'll call Trammel's.

Maybe somebody's
heard something.

-He's guilty!

-What?
-Yeah, Dad.

O.J. was found guilty,
just like you were hopin'.

So there's no reason
to be upset.

-Why the hell didn't
you guys tell me?

-I was... gonna tell you
after you filled your bedpan.

As a reward.

-Oh! [laughs] Oh, man.

Oh, I...
I wish I could have seen

the look on O.J.'s face

when they read that verdict.

See, Blaire,
even your black jury agrees

with me about the cops.
[chuckles]

You gotta feel pretty
f*cking stupid right now.

-Oh, I... feel stupid.

-Man, I can't wait to read
about this in tomorrow's paper.

-What?
-Yeah.

Bring it to me first thing
in the mornin'.

-You know what? They,
they might not even cover it.

-Of course they're
gonna cover it.

It's the biggest news story
of the year.

-Right. There's no gettin'
around that.

-In the meantime, I can just
listen to the news on the radio.

[stammering]

[clatters]

-Oops.
-Oh, butterfingers.

It's like he-he's got butter

on, all over your fingers,

with what just happened.

Right?

Go wash your fingers. Huh?

Go wash your fingers.

[♪♪♪]

-Well, we're already back
in f*ck' school.

That didn't take long.
-Yeah.

I can't believe how easy it was
to break into this place.

-Yeah, probably be easy
to come in,

set a bunch of expl*sives,
k*ll everybody.

-Jesus f*ck' Christ, Teddy!

-What? I'm sayin' it's a flaw.

I'm-I'm pointin' it out.
I'm helping.

-Seriously,
what the f*ck is--

-Oh, come on, Johnny,
you know I'm a good guy.

You've seen my manifesto.

[door creaks]

-Ah, sweet.
They got everything we need.

-We sure we can pull this off?
-Oh, totally.

How hard could it be
to make a fake newspaper?

I mean, it's just a big headline
that says "O.J. Guilty"

and then a bunch of bullshit
about how justice was served.

-Johnny, there's more
to a paper

than one article.

Real papers have sports sections

and restaurant reviews
and comics and Jumble,

that scrambled word game
that's no fun

and way harder
than you think it'll be.

-sh*t. You're right.

We got a lot of work to do.
-Exactly.

Now, we got
a long night ahead of us.

I want 500 words on the Big Dig.

And where's the girl
with my egg salad sandwich?

-Right away, Queef.

[both laughing]

All right.
Let's keep my dad from dying.

[♪♪♪]

-Hey, Dad.
How you doin'?

-Bored as sh*t.

-Well, get ready to cheer up,

'cause here's today's paper.

-A little thinner than usual.

-Oh, uh...

well, the newspaper people
were probably so focused

on the main part that they ran
out of time for the other stuff.

-Or maybe someone
was goofin' off,

accidentally unplugged
the computer,

and they lost hours of work.

-Well, maybe that person needed
to blow off some steam

because his editor
was ridin' him so hard.

-Maybe the editor resents having
to hire the owner's nephew.

-Well, maybe that writer hasn't
seen his kid in f*ck' weeks

because the editor is such
a g*dd*mn sl*ve driver!

-Maybe this city's full
of promising young journalists

who'd be happy to take
his f*ck' seat in a second!

Maybe suck a d*ck
or two along the way.

[Matty laughs]

Look at this, huh? Ha ha!

"Simpson was found guilty
of murdering

"a blonde lady and another guy
because he totally did it,

"and anyone that thinks
different is an idiot."

Just like I've been sayin'.

-Yeah, almost word for word.

-See what else
is happenin', huh?

"Sox Win Makes
Yankees Fans Cry."

"UN Declares America
Did Win Vietnam."

Finally, a good news day.
And look at this.

"Jane Fonda Admits
'I'm a piece of sh*t.'"

-If you're lookin'
for a chuckle,

maybe check out
the comic strip.

-Comic strip?

The Galumphs. What's this?

-Uh, it's new, but I've been
hearing good things.

Apparently it's about a family
called the Galumphs

who get into all sorts
of mischief

but love each other
at the end of the day.

-It's not drawn too good.

-Yeah, it's not supposed
to be slick.

That's part of the charm.

[laughing]

-He, he brought a...
He brought a beach chair

to the DMV.

[laughing]

He knows he's gonna
be there all day.

-Classic Galumphs.

All right,
we'll leave you to it.

Enjoy that article
about Clinton's hemorrhoids.

-Hey, don't forget to bring me
tomorrow's newspaper too.

-Tomorrow?

-Yeah, I'm sure they'll have

all the sections by then.

I wanna know what these
Galumphs get up to next.

-Yeah, me too.

-[whispers]
We're gonna need some help.

[♪♪♪]

-All right, here's the headline
for tomorrow's paper.

-"Forty Minutes on Toilet

Equal to Running Two Miles."
Oh, this is terrific.

Blaire, how's
the business section coming?

-I just finished a piece
on gender-based pay discrepancy.

-Are you f*ck' crazy?
I can't print this.

-It's all true. Women make


-I don't give a sh*t
about the truth.

We're tryin'
to keep Matty alive.

-So we're just gonna create
a bubble around him

where all he ever hears is news

that reinforces
his warped worldview?

-Pretty much.
-Give me something I can use.

Like "Scientists Prove Women
Worse Drivers"

or "Tipping With Change
is More than Enough."

-[sighs] Why can't one
of you guys do it?

-No. I'm working
on a huge story.

"There's No Reason
to Turn the Heat On."

-And I still gotta figure out
tomorrow's Galumphs.

Okay, how about this?

Gary Galumph tells his wife

to get all gussied up
for a fancy dinner,

and then he takes her
to the grocery store

to fill up on free samples.

-I'm smiling,
but I'm not laughing yet.

-Okay. Uh, is this anything?

Gary Galumph
is on the treadmill,

and then we cut wider to reveal
that he's on roller skates.

-Yeah, they did
something similar

in yesterday's Wizard of Id.

-All right. Uh...

Gladys Galumph becomes
a health inspector for the city,

and she finds a c*ck
in the kitchen

at one of the restaurants.

And before she can
shut the place down,

the c*ck says, "Excuse me,
ma'am, I'm the owner."

-Yes, yes, yes.
Draw, draw, draw.

f*ck, draw.

[♪♪♪]

-Well, someone's feelin' better.

-Look at this. Look at this.

"Hillary Clinton
Spotted at Urinal."

I f*ck' knew it!

-Hey, Dad, did you see
today's Galumphs?

-Oh, the best one so far.

I-I'll tell you, any time
a dog wears sunglasses,

you got my attention.

-I don't think
I've ever seen you smile,

but not quite laugh, so much.

-Well, the world finally
makes sense, Susan.

O.J. got what he deserved.
The Sox are on a winning streak.

You know, the only,
the only problem is

the damn cable's still out.

f*ck it.

I'm gonna call,

see what's taking 'em so long.

-Uh, oh, wait,
uh, no, actually

you don't have to
do that because...

they're coming by tomorrow.

-Finally.

-John, if we fix the cable,
he's gonna find out about O.J.

-Well, what if we
make our own news?

-Huh?
-We got all that

video equipment at school.

We just need to find an actor.

-[sighs] Sadly, we know one.

[knock on door]

-Come in.

What do you two want?

-Here's something
you probably never heard before.

We'd like to hire you again.

[♪♪♪]

-Well, look,
I'd love to help you out,

but I have a strict rule
against sequels.

-Oh, do you?
-Yeah, I do.

I hate seeing actors
like Harrison Ford, Pacino,

guys not without talent,

throwing it all away
for a quick buck.

-This is not a... level.
-Yeah. No.

-This is something much simpler.
-It's not like that.

It's a, it's a new role.
-Yeah.

-It's a newscaster.

-Go on.

-That's sorta it.
-Yeah, that's it.

-Yeah.
-Yeah. That's the role.

-Uh, could this newscaster
have a son, uh, in the hospital?

-Uh, yeah. Sure.
-Uh... I mean, I guess.

-That's why his job
means so much to him.

Watching the news
is the only way

his bedridden son
can feel connected

to the outside world.

With the comforting face
of his father

as a beacon in the dark.

-Yeah, we don't
really need, uh--

-You know what?

I could play the son
in a flash forward.

-Yeah, we're not
makin' a movie here.

-And I feel like
we need to be daring.

This-this newscaster's grappling
with his own sexuality,

and as a result,
he's never been able

to have an authentic moment
with his son.

-And now it might be too late.

-Right.

-Because of the cancer.

-[chuckles] Oh, my God.

I mean, this is
how people win Oscars.

-Bingo.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.

The f*ck are you doing?

-What?
-Don't encourage this.

-And the sex scene
should be, uh, ambiguous.

I mean, sex to him is a rubicon.

I want the sex scenes
to raise questions,

but provide no answers.
-Yeah, this is getting kinda--

-I'm willing to have sex
on camera.

-Okay, look, there's also
another role

we need you to play.

-Dual roles?

Oh, wow. I'm loving this.

[chuckles]
What's the other part?

-It's a cable guy who comes
to the house to fix the cable.

-Could I, uh, could I
pitch you something?

-Sure.

-You ready?
-Yeah.

-He's Ret*rded.
-No.

-Oh, yeah.
-No.

-He's full-blown,
one wheel in the sand.

-Doesn't help us at all.

Okay, now remember,
just put the tape in the VCR

and pretend to fix the cable.

-[in English accent]
Sure thing, guv'nor.

I just moved here
from old Blighty,

lookin' to start a new life.

-No, no. No, no, no.
We talked about this.

Just get in the f*ck' house.

And no limps!

-Hey, Dad.

Look who we just ran into
out on the steps.

It's the cable guy.

-Oh, about g*dd*mn time.
Can you fix the cable?

-Yeah, blood,
I can fix the cable.

-No, no. Get the f*ck to work.

-Anythin', uh,
good in the paper today?

-Kangaroos are fake. [chuckles]

f*ck' called it.

-What? No, they're not.

-Olivia Newton-John admitted it.

Educate yourself, Blaire.

[sighs] f*ck' A.

The world's
finally gettin' good,

and I'm stuck at home. [sighs]

Maybe I should go for a walk.

-Oh, no, no.
-No! No, no. Home is better.

-Okay. All finished.

-Wow, that was fast.

-Guess I'll go, uh,
turn on the TV.

-Good evening.

I'm Chad Farnsworth,

and this is your world.

-Who the hell is this?

I've never seen this guy before.

-He seems complicated.

-Our top story, O.J. Simpson
is still behind bars,

where reportedly...

-[mouthing along]
...he cries himself

to sleep each night.

-f*ck' yes!

-Asked if reopening Alcatraz

is a little extreme,

the California governor said,

"Not for this monster."

-Amen.

-And now let's check in

with our weather girl,
Haley Snowden.

Haley, uh,
what's the weather forecast

for the weekend look like?

-Oh, not so good, Chad...
[laughs]

...unless you're a duck.
[chuckles]

-[laughing] Good one, Haley.

Uh, we're sleeping together.
I can't keep my hands off her.

[inhales] Not even at work.

Oh, yeah.

[moans] Oh, my gosh.

I haven't felt like this
since my wife died.

Mm! Ohh!

-Okay, that's enough of that.
-[turns off TV]

[♪♪♪]

-We're f*cked.

Dad's gonna be expecting
another newscast tomorrow.

-Well, that's our life now,
Johnny.

Preparing a daily paper
and nightly news.

We are a two-man media empire.

Oh, and by the way,
I fired Blaire.

She's suing us.

-Have you boys seen Matty?

He's not in the bedroom,
and I can't find him anywhere.

-No.

-He-he's not in the garage
or the basement.

-His coat's gone,
but the car is still here.

-He-he must have
gone for a walk.

-Oh, sh*t.
He's out in the world.

He could learn the truth
and have another heart attack.

-Hey, how about those
f*ck' fake kangaroos, huh?

-What?

[♪♪♪]

reporter: Excuse me, sir?
-Yeah?

-Sir, we're doing
a man-on-the-street interview

for Channel Six News.

Would you be willing
to give your opinion?

-Always.

-We're wondering how you feel
about the O.J. verdict.

-Oh, I love it.

Makes me proud
to be an American.

-Really?
-Absolutely.

I-I would have done
the exact same thing

if I was on that jury.

-What about those who say

the verdict
was racially motivated?

-Bullshit.

As far as I'm concerned,

O.J. is getting exactly
what he deserves.

-Okay, well,
thank you for your time.

-Hey, can you believe
your weather lady's

f*ck' the anchor?

[♪♪♪]

-Hey, Matty.
Ain't seen you in a few days.

What you been up to?
-Uh, I had a heart attack. Yeah.

They had to put
a f*ck' stent in my artery.

-Oh, yeah? I got one of those.

-Yeah, I'm mostly
stent at this point.

They give you last rites?
-No.

-Oh, then don't f*ck' bore me.

-Hey, how about
that O.J. verdict, huh?

-Oh, don't remind me.
I'm still pissed off about it.

-Why? For once
they got it right.

-Are you shittin' me?

The whole thing was rigged.

-Well, maybe a little.

But, you know, sometimes
you gotta put your thumb

on the scales of justice just to
make sure things turn out fair.

-Justice? You don't know what
you're f*ck' talkin' about.

-The hell I don't.

-Hey, hey.

I got other customers here, huh?

-Yeah, you're right.
We shouldn't be bickering.

We, we sound like

Gary and Gladys Galumph.
[chuckles]

-Who?

-From the comic strip.

-Never heard of it.

-It's in the paper every day.

-I think they put that stent
in your f*ck' brain.

-The... the f*ck' Galumphs!
Jesus Christ.

You know, "Oh, Gladys,
my achin' back." The Galumphs!

-I don't know what the f*ck
you're talkin' about!

-They're making a movie
with Rosie O'Donnell.

-Oh, Matty, thank God.
There you are.

-Dad, we were lookin'
all over for you.

-Honey, you gotta come home.
You need your rest.

-I don't wanna go.
I just got my beer.

-You gotta get him
outta here, Susan.

He's talkin' f*ck' crazy.

-Come on, Matty.
-I'm talking...

-Let's go.
-He's f*ck' crazy!

He's never heard
of the f*ck' Galumphs!

-There ain't
no Galumphs, as*h*le!

-You wouldn't know! You don't
f*ck' read, you dumb f*ck!

-I read Garfield like a regular
f*ck' human being, f*ck!

-f*ck Garfield and f*ck you!

-You should have been
a f*ck' blowjob, as*h*le!

-Why don't you go sh*t in
another urinal, you drunk f*ck?

-Get him outta here.

[patrons speak indistinctly]

-Glad you're doin' better,
though.

[door closes]

[♪♪♪]

-He's asleep.

-Well, that was
a close f*ck' call.

-You guys, this is insane.
We have to tell him the truth.

-It's too risky.

Plus, I already started
working on tomorrow's Galumphs.

Gary goes as himself for
Halloween 'cause of inflation.

-Ha!

-Maybe we should wait

a little while longer

until he gets his strength back.

-No, this is f*cking crazy!

He walked to Trammel's.

That's the most exercise
he's gotten in years.

He's fine.

He almost got in a fistfight

over f*cking Garfield
and survived.

-But he's enjoying his new life.

Please, Blaire, all we have
to do is lie to him forever

and he'll be happy.

[♪♪♪]

Matty: Hello?

I-I'm supposed
to meet somebody here.

Hello?

-I have some information
you might want.

-Blaire?

-[sighs] Yes.

-What the f*ck
are we doin' here?

-Do they know you're gone?

-No. I-I climbed out
the bathroom window

like the note said.

What the f*ck is goin' on?

-The rest of the family
doesn't want you to see this,

but... I can't keep
living a lie.

-[sighs] What's this?
Some kinda joke paper?

-No, Matty,
it's the real newspaper.

O.J. is a free man.

-What?
-Read the rest.

It's... it says
Cleveland swept the Red Sox

out of the playoffs.

-Of course they lost.
They're the Red Sox.

-You are f*ck' with me!
-Look at the funnies.

-Wha...

The Galumphs!
Where are the f*cking Galumphs?

-There are no Galumphs, Matty.

-But...

But Hillary Clinton,
her d*ck was real, right?

[sighs]

-No, she has a vag*na.

[gasps]

[suspenseful music playing]

[Matty gasps]

[whimpers]

Oh, my...

[dramatic music playing]

-Hey, look,
that's the guy from the news.

Hey! Thanks for
stickin' up for O.J.

-Wh-what?

-You're the blackest white man
in Boston!

[heavy breathing]

[music intensifies]

[heart thumping]

[thumping stops]

[panting]

-Oh, my God. Um...
I-I-I'll call an ambulance.

-No. [panting continues]

Let me die.

[♪♪♪]

-Oh, Matty.

Thank God you're okay.

I was so scared.
-I'm fine.

I'm actually starting to
get used to these heart attacks.

Next one should be a breeze.
Susan: Aw.

Oh, you're not allowed
to have any more heart attacks.

We're gonna have
a, a long life together.

[monitor beeping]

I love you, Matty Bennett.

-I love you too, Susan.

-I'm sorry, Uncle Matty.

I thought telling you the truth
was the right thing to do.

I-I didn't realize
you were so... entrenched.

Anyways, yeah, I'm-I'm sorry.

-No, it's all my fault.

This whole thing started
'cause I'm a freeloadin' f*ck,

and I f*cked it up even worse
by tricking ya.

I don't blame you
for being pissed.

-Are you kiddin'?

I'm not pissed.
I'm f*ck' impressed.

-What?
-Yeah.

You made a whole newspaper
every day for a week.

sh*t, it was some
of the best sports writing

I've read in years.

And, and the news.

Johnny, you created
an entire world.

A world I wanna live in.

Where the Red Sox don't suck.

Where Madonna is dead.

And where a white guy in America
can finally get a fair shake.

-Could I get some morphine?

-Sure. I'll join you.

-Yeah, it was a lie, but...

it gave me
somethin' to believe in.

And if you can do all that...

I know you can do anything
you set your mind to.

-It was kind of
a two-man operation.

-So you don't think
I'm a f*ck?

-You got potential, Johnny.

I'm proud of you.

-Thanks, Dad.

[gentle music playing]

[inhales deeply]

Oh, man,
it's just startin' to hit me

that high school's really over.

-Yeah, there's no denyin' it.

You and I are now responsible
adult members of society.

Hand me that bong.

-We'll probably end up
getting our own place soon.

You think Mom
will still come over to, like,

do our laundry
and clean up and sh*t?

-Abso-f*cking-lutely not.

-She's right, Johnny.

We're grown-ups now.

We'll bring the laundry
to Susan.

-I say we become
industrial bigwigs

with an office
in the World Trade Center.

-Two offices, one in each tower.

-And a satellite office
in the Pentagon

for all those
fat government contracts.

-And a summer home
for vacations.

I hear they got some
great open land in Pennsylvania.

Oh, nothin' will stop us.

-I think you guys
might need to

lower your expectations
a little bit.

-Oh, nuh-uh. You heard my dad.

I can do anything
I set my mind to.

I can go to college,
invent something.

-The sky's the limit.

-So, what are you gonna do?

[inspiring music playing]

-You sure this is what you want?

-Never been more sure
of anything in my life.

I'm gonna get totally ripped.

-You mean like a normal level
of in-shape?

-No. Like, really ripped.

Like, so muscular that people
who love me are concerned.

-I support you in this endeavor.

-Let's go.

narrator: And John did indeed
get massively swole.

There was a seven-year period

where he never once
wore a shirt.

Eventually he married
a really cool girl,

but they got divorced
and he met another cool girl.

You know what?
There are two movies about it.

Just watch them.

Well, the first one,

the second one
has funny moments,

most of them in the first half,

but even I can't sit still
for the whole thing.

Anyway, here's the end credits.

[♪♪♪]

["Everybody Needs a Best Friend"
by Norah Jones playing]

♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪
♪ Of someone dreadful ♪

♪ And yet, alas ♪
♪ That someone adores you ♪

♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

♪ I'm just a clown ♪

♪ And I'll bring you down ♪

♪ But you just don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause your ♪

♪ Best friend is me ♪

[♪♪♪]